middle east mittens

Mitt Romney’s Slaphappy Israel Party: A Roundup

Hello Mr. Friend WallMitt Romney had mondo problems winning over the British on the first leg of his diplomatic photo-op vacation, so you know what? Screw the “Special Relationship.” Israel is now more special-er to the United States Empire than England ever was, harumph, so that’s where Mitt Romney spent his last couple of days before jetting off to Poland. Oh, he saw the Western Wall, and some Israeli leaders, and stuff, and oh man, it’s so much better than… it’s just that England… grrr… England is stupid. What did Mitt Romney love the most about Israel?

  • Was Mittens able to get Palestinian leaders to instantly call him a racist? Point: pointed.

    GDANSK, Poland – A top Palestinian aide accused Mitt Romney today of making a “racist statement” when comparing the economic vitality of the Israelis and the Palestinians, but the Romney campaign said his remarks were “grossly mischaracterized.”

    Romney’s statement, the Palestinian said, appeared to credit Israel’s higher income to cultural differences.

    “It is a racist statement and this man doesn’t realize that the Palestinian economy cannot reach its potential because there is an Israeli occupation,” Saeb Erekat, a senior aide to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, told the Associated Press. […]

    The Romney campaign said the candidate’s remarks were “grossly mischaracterized,” pointing to previous statements by the presumptive nominee in which he has discussed nearby nations with vastly different economies. The campaign also circulated a transcript of Romney’s remarks at the private fundraiser, a move they usually reserve for public events only.

  • And why not just give Israel the green light to obliterate the Islamic Republic of Iran whenever it feels like, while on a candidate tour? “The governor” has no objections.

    “If Israel has to take action on its own,” Mr. Senor said in a briefing before the speech, “the governor would respect that decision.”

  • Romney really loves Israel’s socialized health care system. We have to figure out a solution to our health care costs, just like Israel did! (BUT IT MUST NOT BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ISRAEL’S SUCCESSFUL SYSTEM):

    “When our health care costs are completely out of control. Do you realize what health care spending is as a percentage of the GDP in Israel? 8 percent. You spend 8 percent of GDP on health care. And you’re a pretty healthy nation,” Romney told donors at a fundraiser at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem, speaking of a health care system that is compulsory for Israelis and funded by the government. “We spend 18 percent of our GDP on health care. 10 percentage points more. That gap, that 10 percent cost, let me compare that with the size of our military. Our military budget is 4 percent. Our gap with Israel is 10 points of GDP. We have to find ways, not just to provide health care to more people, but to find ways to finally manage our health care costs.”

Now Romney is in Poland. Will he take it over? If not, the American people will judge him as too weak to be president.

[ABC News, NYT, Buzzfeed]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. vasty_derp

      My understanding is that he was completely isolated from anyone who might ask an inconvenient question, much less an embarrassing one.

    1. chicken_thief

      Where all the girls supporting sick mothers and paying for their college tuition learn to dance, amirite?

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Does he know the Lech Walensa (sp?–gimme a break–it's Polish) led Solidarity, a LABOR union to overthrow the Soviets?

        1. MittBorg

          When Solidarnosc was in the process of freeing the country, American newsreaders confronted with that unfamiliar character transformed it into an 'n.'

          1. sullivanst

            Apparently also BBC newsreaders. Also too, whoever wrote wikipedia's page for IPA for Polish. (Actually, the BBC newsreaders went a little overboard and turned that W into a "b" sound instead of a "v", if I recall my late 80s newscasts correctly)

      1. miss_grundy

        Who cares? Walesa is supporting Romney, which makes him a rat bastard in my book. How can anyone who led a labor union support Romney. Lech Walesa is a screwed up idiot bastard!

    1. Chichikovovich

      Romney's a goyim who always remembers to pack a few extra clean schandes when he travels.

      You never know when you'll use up more than you expect.

  1. bumfug

    I liked the part where he went to the Western Wall and kept asking where the whales were.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      He didn't mention that his wife's family was from Wales? Well, part of the software patch worked.

    2. Antispandex

      And did they try to photoshop out his yarmulke? Because, Mormen aren't supposed to pray with their heads covered…I wonder if he was faking it? Also, too, don't start with the jokes about Ann faking it, OK? This is a serious discussion!

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I thought he baptized it before heading out that way so he wouldn't be touching a gentile's holy wall with his delicate and pasty Mormon hands.

    2. rmjagg

      if he had tried to do that , the wailing wall would have fallen on him , squashing him like a bug , like the British did ….

    1. OurDailyBread

      I'm going lay 10K on him saying something about how pro-business the National Socialists were.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Both…and he also asked for carried interest to be tax free and for the corporate tax to suddenly become 0. It was at this point Mittens (by his definition as the other wishes were economic policies that benefit himself at most people's expenses like any good Republican crafts policies) he asked to own his very own slave. Mormon god heard after demanding he baptize Simon Weisenthal and bequeathed unto him the biggest quisling on Earth Sean Hannity…and lo Mittens was but saddened in his robot heart for God didn't take into account that while Hannity is slavishly devoted to the GOP, he's also pasty, soft and a moron who can't even clip a lawn. Mittens now wishes he'd beg god for a slave brown….

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, after embarrassing himself in England and Israel, Mitt Romney is looking forward to Poland. He has a great joke to tell the polls about the Polish terrorist who was sent ot blow up a car.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I am actually cringing — re: this man I don't give a damn about, mind you — at the possiblity of Mitt attempting humor while there… then say, something in his wiring misfires and he blurts utmost nonsense-salad out. If so, may it be through his nose so I can at least laugh and not cry.

    2. Isyaignert

      Is this the same Polish terrorist who burned his lips trying to blow up a car?

      I'm Polish and have heard them all!

      1. sullivanst

        In England, that's an Irish joke, made "funnier" by the actual existence (during my childhood) of actual Irish terrorists, very few of whom had burnt lips.

  3. Goonemeritus

    I don’t suppose Mitt has gotten around to posthumously baptizing John Paul II yet.

  4. Mittens Howell, III

    Romney installs glory hole in wailing wall, offers 'diplomatic briefing' to Netanyahu.

  5. nounverb911

    So when Israel attacks Iran, who will Mittens blame for the doubling? tripling? of the price of oil it will cause.

    1. qwerty42

      Is the Mittster authorizing a war against Iran? This will have all our allies on board. From Balloon Juice:

      Now, here is the thing. This basically moves the goalposts significantly. It moves the issue from preventing the acquisition of nuclear weapons to the existence of a nuclear program at all. This isn’t actually current USG policy. And what’s more, it is a goal that is virtually impossible to get support for internationally since under international law, Iran has an absolute right to peaceful nuclear energy, and that includes enrichment activities consistent with that.

      The issue with Iran is that the UN Security Council has asked Iran to stop enrichment until a proper transparency regime can be establish, not as a permanent constraint. There is a difference between trying to ensure that Iran does not use legitimate nuclear activities as a cover for weapons development versus the notion that any Iranian nuclear activity is, in itself, unacceptable. The Senor position, if truly accepted by Romney, is a huge gift for Iran since it means that the Iranians can be confident that a Romney administration, now out of step with international law, would be unable to tighten the screws with more sanctions.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Same as ever: overregulation (even though there wd. be none under this dipshit and the dipshit Rs in congress) and America's pussiness about drilling in Anwar, Yellowstone and fracing (another spelling challenge for moi) under Manhattan.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "Romney’s statement appeared to credit Israel’s higher income to cultural differences."

    Well, cultural differences maybe, or maybe the fact that Israel is one of the largest recipients of US foreign aid when compared to how much Palestine gets?

    1. sullivanst

      Well, Israel's occupation of the Palestinian territories has become ingrained into their culture.

    2. MiniMencken

      No, it's them yehudis just got a knack for piling up the long green. Kinda like the colored and dancing.

    3. DustBowlBlues

      No one ever mentions that Israel gets more American "aid" money than any other country. My view of Israel is that, if we say "jump" there should be only one answer from them and it sure as hell isn't "no."

  7. gullywompr

    Mitt, quick, what's the difference between GDP and government spending?

    Yeah, I thought so….

    1. sullivanst

      One's useful for making things look smaller when you want to diminish them, the other's useful for making things look bigger when you want to emphasize them, and neither is sufficiently familiar to most Americans for them to notice the obscene deception you just attempted.

    1. widestanceromance

      Prolly with the video of Ann wearing a glory hole sheet and Willard wearing a smile-like formation.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      No, but evidently, they have enough rich bankers there to give him a fundraiser. Like the assholes responsible for LIBOR rigging in London.

    1. sewollef

      Now he's left Israel, he's probably going to visit the Treblinka death camp to put his foot in his mouth. That'd make a trifecta of shit-storms in one visit to Europe.


        1. Designer_Rants

          Yes, but 54% of what? If you use Standard Israelis, that comes to about 90 lbs. If you use Americanized Israelis, it comes to about 400 pounds, plus or minus a Chick-fil-A sammich.

  8. bureaucrap

    Hey Mitt, no reason to wait until you're president to start WW III! Why not just fly to Tehran right now and give a solid kidney punch to Ahmedinijad? that'll show him who's boss!

    1. chicken_thief

      Ahmedinijad is a little bitty fucker. Mittens could pin him down and cut his faggy hair.

  9. SexySmurf

    Looking at that picture I can't tell, which one is the crumbling chunk of rock with zero personality and which one is the Western Wall?

    1. kittensdontlie

      The tell is that The Wall is warm from the touch and wet with tears of humanity…not so for the Mittless.

  10. MacRaith

    Bah. If you're going to let a little thing like an Israeli occupation disrupt your economy, you just aren't hard-working enough.

    Of course, it would be terribly wrong for the Palestinians to work hard to end that occupation. Musn't get uppity.

    1. chicken_thief

      That Israel is high on the list of US largess prolly has nothing to do with it either. Also. Too.

  11. Goonemeritus

    Snark aside the whole Palestinian Israel prosperity comparison is a standard right wing meme. So this was less a mistake and more a shout out to the more racist components of his Party.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      "And what's with those Native Americans?! Reservations are full of suicide and alcoholism, while adjacent America is the greatest country in the world! They just don't have the same cultural values we have!"

  12. qwerty42

    Time is running out! Can the Mittster get the Poles and the USSR to go to war? (Actually, it has run out since the USSR hasn't been around since 1991, but, heck, details, details!)

  13. Dr_Zoidberg

    Look at that picture of Mittens at the Western Wall….does he ever not look smug?

  14. Dr_Zoidberg

    "And you’re a pretty healthy nation,” Mittens said, then went on to suggest that the Jews would be great at all kind of building projects, like pyramids.

    1. MiniMencken

      Healthy, you say? You should be so healthy, Mitteleh! Do you know what the doctor told us just yesterday?

      1. sullivanst

        Unforced errors are his specialty.

        Actually, no, they're more of a minor. His major is of course blatant lies.

      2. miss_grundy

        Because he is an ARSEHOLE!!!!!! Most civilized countries have better health care systems than we do, yet this bonehead will turn around and make disparaging remarks about companies that he has helped make millions, if not, billions of $$$. I'm sure quite a lot of health care companies were able to make money off his vulture capitalist company!

      3. MittBorg

        Can't help himself. I'm beginning to think (1) Shelly Adelson *really* hates Mitt (didn't tell him he was flying into, and scheduling a DINNER on, Tisha B'av); and (2) Mitt REALLY doesn't want to win this thing. He just basically handed Barack a big stick to beat him with.

    2. MittBorg

      At least he didn't blarbgarbl on about how Jerusalem was like a Mecca for the Jews and congratulate them on their crusade against disease.

  15. edgydrifter

    Weird underclothes, dietary restrictions, a "cultural" aptitude for amassing wealth–Romney must feel right at home. Maybe he'll decide to run for President of Isreal.

  16. SorosBot

    But have Mitt and Bibi become good friends again, like they used to be in Mitt's imagination?

    1. MittBorg

      Do you get the feeling that both Bibi and Shelly were hoping a different candidate would win, and they both don't like Mitty very much? I mean, how fucking rude is that for Bibi to totally diss Mittens and act like he barely remembers him?

    1. Angry_Marmot

      "A leveraged buyout means this jam factory will run more efficiently, and help the economy, too."

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    "Romney’s statement, the Palestinian said, appeared to credit Israel’s higher income to cultural differences."

    Yo, Palestinian dude, it wasn't cultural differences he was crediting. Check out your skin tone against that of Bibi.

  18. FakaktaSouth

    Why didn't he tell them all about the jobs they were killing by saving all those people? Why didn't he try to help these Jews die faster? Doesn't he want them all to die so he can save their souls?

    I HATE this guy.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      He is not substantial enough to hate, sweetheart. BTW, I was going to tell Mrs. Puck about the Fuck, Marry, or Kill thing, but I'm worried that she might decide that that's the kind of Trifecta she'd like to hit, so, you know…

  19. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Well, you have to understand the uncertainties that the Job Creators face. In the US, you have to think about a 3% adjustment of the tax rate for the second and third quarter million dollars you pay yourself.

    Palestinian Job Creators only have to worry about men with Uzis showing up, shooting people, taking property, that sort of thing.

  20. Hera Sent Me

    Memo to Mitt Romney:

    Regardless of what you've been told –

    The fly isn't Poland's national bird.

    Polish submarines don't have screen doors.

    Poles do not put their initials on their shirt sleeves so they can have monogrammed handkerchiefs.

    A Polish firing squad does not form a circle around its target.

    The most successful Polish kamakaze pilot did not fly thirty missions.

    1. TavariousChinaSmith

      And the long hard thing a Polish bride gets on her wedding night is not a new last name. Ok, that one might be true.

  21. eggsacklywright

    So Romney's a bishop in the Moron Church of Plates. Guess that makes him a bishop-prick.

  22. widestanceromance

    Let's see Mr. Strong on Strength take his Mock Bus Tour for a spin around the disputed Gaza. I bet he'd get a real warm reception from the less-well-off-so-obviously-inferior Palestinians as he taunts them with the honking and jeering.

  23. Chichikovovich

    [From earlier thread, but now on-topic]
    In the movie "Breaker Morant" there's a terrific moment when an eager-beaver ass-kissing young King-and-Country aide is discussing the delicate situation in South Africa with Lord Kitchener. Kitchener is describing how the Germans are just dying to have an excuse to enter the conflict, ostensibly to protect the Boers from English mistreatment. Kitcher then says that of course, the Germans have no concern at all for the welfare of the Boers, they are just interested in the gold and diamonds of South Africa.

    The aide says keenly: "They lack our altruism, sir!"

    Kitcher looks at the eager-beaver aide in disbelief that anyone could be so naive, then satisfied that the aide was not being a smartass, says dryly, with a still vaguely disbelieving air: "Yes. Quite".

    I imagine the 40 wealthy donors all had that Kitchener look on their faces when eager-beaver Romney came out with those pearls of analysis.

    1. miss_grundy

      No, they probably ate that shit up with a shovel. Because the doofus now wants to get the U.S. involved in a war with Iran to help the Israelis. Of course, you won't see Mitt's sons joining the fight 'cause they are too busy making money at their vulture capitalist firm. But they will push all the poors, blue-collar and lower-middles to join up, don't cha know.

  24. coolhandnuke

    Mitt's speech to the Polish Business Association: "As a job creator and successful leader of many corporations, I stand before you today to commend Poland and its' creativity in the pursuit of new and innovative products, like the inflatable dart board, helicopter ejector seats and solar powered flashlights.

  25. Billmatic

    I love that Mitt is doing this to show off his credibility in the department of international relations and he's instead demonstrating without a doubt that he has none.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    Did he distribute copies of The Watchtower to the attendees? Oh, sorry, wrong magazine/wrong cult.

  27. johnnyzhivago

    If Israel is superior to Palestine because of it's higher incomes, then I guess Saudi trump the Jews?

    And New York culture is superior to Arkansas culture.

    Romney is truly a twit.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's strategy for dealing with the constant litany of stupid, selfish, offensive and narrow-minded bullshit that he keeps saying — cut off the press from finding out about them and there'll be less bad publicity. Hell, it was either that or alter his behavior and maybe try being smarter and more considerate — and if that was the solution it would be like admitting he wasn't one of the Elect, so that was clearly the wrong choice.

    1. chicken_thief

      As long as he can keep lying about what Obummer sez, and attacking those phony quotes, he'll have plenty to stump on and rally the base. To the extent that Mittens is capable of "rallying" anyone.

      1. miss_grundy

        Why? He needs to go and visit his daddy's ancestral home and see what kind of welcome he gets from the nom-Mormons. That would be a hoot!

  29. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Jeez, who elected him president?

    Seriously, Mitt needs to shut up. The situation in the Middle East is hotter than a three pecker billy goat and we don’t need some self-elected pseudo-diplomat in training to screw things up worse

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Yes, but the worse it gets, the higher oil prices go, which they can blame on Obama. See? Karl Rove is behind this whole fucked up trip.

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        Colloquialisms often don't make sense. For example, when things went wrong my Uncle Dester used to say “The cat's in the applesuace again!”. Uncle Dester was kind of slow.

        The 3 pecker Billy Goat is not a common phrase but you can google it. The insinuation is that the more penises (peckers) one has the hornier (hotter) one gets.

  30. Antispandex

    You have to understand, when you are pandering, it is hard to pander to more than one group at a time. I'm sure if Mitt wanted to be around the Palestinians, he would have pandered to them too. Now, it's on to Poland to meet with more of his kind of people (meaning, whoever is in front of him at the time).

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I'm jealous. The UMs didn't do that at Gen. Conf, as far as I know.

      ps PCUSA? Would that be the real Presbyterian church?

  31. sullivanst

    And the preemption of final status talks (didn't he whine loudly about that when Obama didn't do it but Mitt said he did?) doesn't even get a mention…

  32. chicken_thief

    Mitt is thanking all the gods that if Israel takes his words to heart and starts WWIII, he will be so old he won't have to actively avoid the draft this time.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Because he's way too old to ride a bike around Bordeaux and try to talk them into converting to an anti-wine religion–strike that–cult, even if he slept in a castle like the old days.

  33. Terry

    "“We spend 18 percent of our GDP on health care. 10 percentage points more. That gap, that 10 percent cost, let me compare that with the size of our military. Our military budget is 4 percent. "

    Mitt is playing with the numbers here. Overall DoD spending has been increasing. You want GDP to rise over time, but presenting the DoD budget as a percentage of it is disingenuous. I do agree with him, though, that our health care spending should be more in line with Israel's. Let's put in single payer, socialized medicine immediately.

    1. sullivanst

      He's also quoting a Federal budget line as a percentage GDP, not of, say, total Federal expenditures, and excluding state-level Guard expenditures. Then he compounds the deceit by comparing it against total healthcare expenditures, only about half of which are government expenditures, but that half does include state-level Medicaid, S-CHIP and other expenditures so still wouldn't be apples-to-apples.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      As a wise man once said, he just states facts he pulls out of his magic underwear.

  34. PuckStopsHere

    It is apparent to me, based on Mr. Romney's comments regarding Israel's health care system, that the United States is not spending NEARLY enough on defense. Spending less on war than on keeping our people healthy is madness. And Socialist, too. Or Marxist. I keep forgetting. Could somebody help me out on that?

  35. barto

    Is the Pope Polish? Maybe Rmoney can mormon-stype-baptize him as a sort of act of good faith.

  36. under_score

    I did not know, but should have realized, that GDP per capita is a measure of cultural worthiness. So when is Rmoney visiting Qatar?

  37. shiningmathpath

    "Netanyahu embraced Romney as no Israeli prime minister has ever before embraced a candidate running against an incumbent U.S. president." (Barak Ravid, Haaretz)

    "Be Gentile with me, Bibi …"

  38. rickmaci

    Some foreign policy genius this Twitt guy is. He has threatened war with China and Iran and blasted Russia, calling that nation America’s “number one geopolitical foe,” and a danger to Czechoslovakia, a country that no longer exists. Then he went to Europe and so far has managed to piss all over the two week party being thrown by our long time allies in the UK and throw gasoline on the fire between Israel and Palestine. Given a bit more time he could start WWIII, with everybody against us. What a maroon.

  39. James Michael Curley

    I have seen the picture above in several venues today. It's the only one I have seen and the question is yarmulke?

  40. arihaya

    Mittens held his fundraiser in King David Hotel where dozens of Brits were killed by radical Jewish bombers.

    He REALLY hate them Brits for calling him Mitt the Twit, apparently

  41. DahBoner

    This is like saying American Indians haven't reached their full potential building shopping malls, creating air pollution and poisoning the water table with fracking chemicals, because….values of White People.

  42. MRjonz

    Mitt’s in Poland now, meeting with Prime Minister Donald Tusk. My guess is they will not talk about the CIA Black Site near village of Stare Kiejkuty.

  43. arihaya

    Mitt is going to Poland because if he go to Germany instead, he cannot stop mentioning the war.

  44. rocktonsam

    as long as he is in the neighborhood, Mittard should stop in Russia to see Putin and fix things there too.

  45. ttommyunger

    Mittens was overheard snarking to Ann about how:"These poor fuckers can't even afford propellers for their Beanies.".

  46. lulzmonger

    The joke's on Romney: touching Teh Big Wailer makes you instantly Jewish, no backsies.

  47. x111e7thst

    World tour over Mitt-man can go back to his more usual pastime of saying stupid, annoying things to his fellow Americans.

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