pass the popcorn

Romney, Cheney and McCain All Busy Interventioning Each Other Over Impending Presidential Loss

Does your family throw great interventions? Catered, maybe, with a really soothing jazz band noodling in the background to provide that little oomph? Don’t worry, it comes with practice. Soon you’ll have it down to the point where you no longer even need to assign roles like “stop and get the deli platter,” and “don’t forget a nice malbec, maybe.” And what is true for you is true for the GOP (haha, no it isn’t), as they are getting so much practice in with their interventions that soon they’ll be really tops at it too! For now, though, they are still at the stage where they just walk around screaming “INTERVENTION!” at each other and then punching themselves with tire irons, like the Fawcett/O’Neals. But they’ll be Downey Juniors and Sheens in no time, maybe. We can only hope.

A losing campaign is an orphan or something, and all the GOP is swearing to Maury that the baby ain’t theirs. And so you have Dick Cheney sneering at John McCain’s Sarah Palin pick — from four years ago — and John McCain smiling that smile where he tries not to murder you while reminding the world that Dick Cheney is a torturer, and everybody leaking to Howard Kurtz that they’ve “interventioned” Mitt Romney, for being so bad at running for president.

When Mitt Romney declared, during a Republican primary debate in Tampa, that he would pressure illegal immigrants to “self-deport” back to their home countries, John McCain was downright disturbed. Worried that his former rival was grievously wounding himself with Hispanic voters, the Arizona senator staged an intervention. He and fellow senator Lindsey Graham placed a joint call to Romney in January, urging him to tone down his rhetoric. Romney listened politely, sources say, and did not use the phrase again.

The rest of that story is about how everyone hates John McCain.

Sponsored Video

But let’s watch John McCain call Dick Cheney a torturer, at about 3:30 in:

We got a fin says it’s McCain who ends up throwing the chair that breaks Geraldo’s nose.

[Mediaite/Howard Kurtz via PoliticalWire]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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205 comments

      1. Terry

        Can you imagine the pharmaceutical cocktail it must take to prevent his body from rejecting that heart?

    1. Hera Sent Me

      The Undead don't get sick. But they can succumb to starvation if their supply of babies' brains runs out.

      Unfortunately, Cheney has a ranch where he raises them. And you can bet it's not free range.

      1. annettaj

        But isn't he afraid he'll be caught as he has no reflection
        and can't see if there are little bits of grey baby matter in his
        teeth?

    2. prommie

      You know there is a kinda alternate version of the golden rule that you can find in the old testament, its not as snappy as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," (or "from each according to their ability"), but it is somehow especially appropriate here, talking about Dick Cheney. This old admonition, and I am paraphrasing, says "conduct yourself such that noone ever has to pray to god to smite your ass for being a prick." You know, like, be nice, so other people won't go around wishing you were dead. Its Dick Cheney's own fucking fault that people actively wish for him to be sick, hurting, and dead. Fuck him.

    3. Gorillionaire

      The first year after a transplant is usually pretty rough. I got two new lungs on Jan 30th. I'm doing alot better than Darth Cheney tho. I'm suprised they even listed him considering his age and prior health history. Who ya know and who ya blow I guess.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        If I had known that lung transplants were possible, I might not have been in such a hurry to quit smoking.

      2. JustPixelz

        Are you saying you got two new lungs transplanted into your chest? Or are you saying you have a couple of lungs in your freezer from someone who, um, suddenly stopped using them (wink, wink)?

        1. Gorillionaire

          Two pre-owned lungs in my chest, working just like regular. Had an illness called Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. Never smoked. Never worked in an asbestos mine. Nobody knows the cause, hence the "idiopathic" deal. I had to quit my job and go on oxygen 24 hours a day and my doctor told my wife to make arrangements with Hospice. That was two years ago. Yesterday I washed my dog and we took a long walk in the summer sun to the market and came home and it was the greatest day ever.

    4. new_pic_for_NEWTer

      I saw Cheney's face on a monitor at the gym this morning- it made me feel strangely weak, as if I was having all my live orgone energy sucked out and replaced by dead bullshit. I'm positive that at that moment I was totally impotent.

      It wasn't till after I watched the Turkish Women's volleyball team for 30 min or so that I started to feel better.

    1. Puffperney

      W. clinched the cowardly lion role with his: "Bring it on!", "Bring it on!" comment on Iraqi insurgents. (Can't you just see W. windmilling his fists in the air like Bert Lahr?).

  1. Baconzgood

    The best intervention was the one for Frank Reynolds in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

      1. FNMA

        True story: Some friends had an intervention for another friend who was having some serious issues and one of our other friends showed up with a six-pack. That was terrible form. I mean, he should have brought a case at the very least.

        1. prommie

          The only useful thing I ever learned in grade school is that if your gonna bring treats, bring enough for everybody.

      2. FakaktaSouth

        This is how I got out of the intervention with my folks, everyone was too high to remember which one we were gunning for.

        1. prommie

          One of the better Mojo Nixon songs might as well be my family motto: "Beer Ain't Drinking." When I was growing up, I only ever saw adults drink two things, coffee, and beer. Coffee in the morning, until noon, or when the sun was warm, or when it was declared that it was "noon somewhere." Thereafter, beer only. I never saw an adult drink water, soda, milk (ha, that makes me laugh even) or anything else. Except for 7 and 7s or rye and ginger ale, thats what aunts drank. In my mind, all aunts smell like cheap canadian whiskey.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Poor, poor actor212. You come on down to Atlanta and we'll fix you up. Dinner and an intervention! Just not an intervention for addiction.

    2. Boojum

      For God's sake, nobody say anything about meth! Or about those proud knights of the open road!

      Ttommy, love you, man. Joking, as always.

  2. weejee

    Cheney and McWalnutz trying to help Rmoney with the prune-juicers? As an olde I'm offended.

    / tosses some Post™ 100% Bran at screen and speedz away on HoverRound

  3. James Michael Curley

    I do not want to see any GOPer, specially Cheney, going through the four great rituals of intervention.

    Cajole
    Scream
    Cry
    Gloat.

    1. GemlikeFlame

      I do not want to see any GOPer, period. And it'd be really nice if I couldn't hear them, too.

      Honestly, there must have been a moderate in that party at some point, but I have the feeling that if so, Cheney killed them and is using their tanned hide as a bathroom mat.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    I call bullshit. I think Mittwit is running a brilliant campaign. He hasn't mentioned George W. Bush a single time, not once. Do you think that is by accident? Hell, no it's not. That there is some strategery.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I agree and slowly the lie is spreading that Obama caused the bank failures, Obama authored the Bail Out, Obama Bailed Out GM and Chrysler and the Stimulus did not work. Bull shit all. What is considered the current recession started in 2007, the bank failures and Bank Bail Out were implemented before Obama's inauguration, the GM & Chrysler Bail Out was introduced to Congress before Obama's inauguration and the Stimulus Plan was passed to self terminate all spending in 2011.

      Furthermore, when Bush and the Republican controlled Congress (including a Republican majority in the Senate up to 2002 when Jim Jeffords switched from republican to independant) authored and passed the 'extraordinary appropriations' for the Afghanistan War in 2001 and the Iraq War in 2003 they were passed and signed to be off the budget until December 31, 2008. Obama took office with an additional $1.3 trillion in deficits that the Republicans and John McCain never mentioned for the whole campaign cycle in 2004 to 2008.

      Many political pundits and the CBO suggested the 'hidden deficit' could have remained off budget because it was inappropriately created and the legislation which allowed the concept to exist continued after the expiration of the off budget term. However, Obama's administration manned up, accepted it and worked to try to provide for the US under extremely onerous budgetary demands.

      Dubya was given a surplus. He burned that up with $1.1 trillion in tax breaks for himself and Mitt Romney and left most of us twisting in the wind after 2005. He left Obama $600 billion deficit with the additional $1.1 trillion off budget. The fact that Obama's economic steering has reduced $1.8 trillion to $1.3 with two wars and continued tax gifts of over 20% to the richest 4% of the population is a herculean feat with an obstructionist House that continually follows a philosophy of "I want more. We can't afford it so take it from them."

  5. prommie

    I know this great little Argentinian malbec for just $11 a bottle, I think I am gonna pick up a couple of bottles.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Hey, trashing 50 years of Mid East diplomacy on his first day in Isreal ain't easy.

      1. Isyaignert

        He has a pulse now that the taxpayers paid for the heart of some poor dead person to be implanted in his evilness.

        Cheney The Dick should have been dead long ago, but noooooo, the taxpayers had to fix him after every heart attack so he could live to destroy them.

  6. Estproph

    The country is the most in need of an intervention since it keeps giving these assholes attention.

    1. kittensdontlie

      With that surprise heart transplant, you gotta believe he is cannibalizing child parts. His must picked up his brain from a five year old.

    1. prommie

      Would it be cheating to fuck one of them to death with the other two, then marry those two to each other?

      1. FakaktaSouth

        As long as it's Mitt who's dead first, them other two CAN'T hang around MUCH longer, can they? McCain looks even worse than Cheney and I think Dick died for the first time when Nixon resigned.

  7. SorosBot

    Aren't they supposed to try and turn the campaign around, and wait until after the election is hopelessly lost to start the finger-pointing?

    1. MissTaken

      It's the 2012 version of 'preemptive strike'. I'm eagerly awaiting the smoking gun in the form of a mushroom tip ($10,000 it will be Lindsey Graham).

      1. SorosBot

        It's like the Republicans have already decided they're going to lost; it's great to watch, really.

  8. BarackMyWorld

    "Fawcett/O'Neals"

    Wow…I actually got that reference. I don't feel old at all. I'm like Capt. America patting himself on the back for remembering seeing "the Wizard of Oz" right now.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I still long for the days of Farrah Fawcett-Majors. I loved the 6million Dollar Man the most. Ass cancer is a terrible thing.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          She made me proud to be a girl. A girl with a lot of – teeth? Big hair? and from her I learned the value of being cold in a bathing suit. Them things are power.

          1. prommie

            Oh fucking holy hell, what the fuck was I thinking? Pamela Anderson, Anne-Margaret? Of course, Farah! my forehead, it is being smacked now.

  9. Schmannnity

    Maybe the top 1% would rather contribute their sons and daughters to the armed forces instead of paying 5% more income taxes.

    1. jakegittes

      Let's make a deal with the 1%. Keep the tax rates where they are, but give us your children to be sacrificed at the altar of Mars.

  10. Doktor Zoom

    John McCain smiling that smile where he tries not to murder you

    I know exactly what that smile is. (*shudder!*) From anyone other than John McCain, it would be scary. With him, it's just sort of sickmaking.

  11. Mittens Howell, III

    The new 3 Stooges: Romney, Walnuts and Curly Dick.

    "Woo-Wooo-Wooo-Wooo Wooo!" Thunk.

    "Oh a WISE GUY huh?"

    Slap-Slap-Slap-Slap-Slap-Slap Nyah nyah nyah nyah POKE!!

    "Why, I oughta …" fappa fappa fappa fappa SMACK!!

    1. jqheywood

      "Why, I oughta …" fappa fappa fappa fappa SMACK!!

      Ahhh, the soundtrack of our Wonkette…

    2. Isyaignert

      Pick two, pick two!!! Poke!!

      Hahaha – Also, too, I can do that Curly finger-snappin' hand clappin' thingy pretty well, but ti's hard to illustrate in qwerty.

    1. eggsacklywright

      Right. Between that, voter suppression, and voting machine fuckery, I am not confident.

    2. rickmaci

      Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is a Dem trademark. Will hold my breath until November 7.

  12. Goonemeritus

    When Romney loses the narrative will overwhelmingly be that he was just too darn liberal. Both Lindsey Graham and John McCain’s opinion will be as welcome as a raging dose of the clap with mainstream Republicans.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Yeah, really. How are you going to get a high-visibility quick comment in if you actually stop to read the post?

          1. Guppy

            That's why I get my pee by just stalking the high-performers and slapping a "me too" response onto them.

            Me too.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            You're doing it wrong! If you read the post and catch the author in an error, hasty judgement or Dumb Thing Everybody Knows, you get to be Mother Morally Superior for the day! I live for that shit.

  13. randcoolcatdaddy

    Kind of early to be throwing around blame for loosing the election, don't you think?

  14. Chow Yun Flat

    I respect the Vice President. He and I had strong disagreements as to whether we should torture people or not. I don’t think we should have

    Fucking McCain. He occasionally says something that makes sense and is morally legitimate. But since he is a whining lickspittle and lackey it doesn't count.

    1. bikerlaureate

      He was consistent, once.
      But this is from a 28-Jul-2008 Newsweek interview:

      But we have made it very clear that there is nothing [the CIA] can do that would violate the Geneva Conventions, the Detainee Treatment Act, which prohibits torture. We could never torture anyone, but some people misconstrue that who don't understand what the Detainee Treatment Act and the Geneva Conventions are all about.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Remember back in the Reagan-Bush era when Pat Buchanan (who was actually paid attention to back then for some reason) said we were in a war for the very heart and soul of America? Well he did, so stop rolling your eyes.

    Anyway, we're now in a war for the very heart and sould of the Republican Party. Which means their awful corporate revolution has imploded and they're now fighting over the remains — which is so much fun, even though there's still shitloads of work to do to get back on the tracks, but it's worth it if they keep bickering amongst themselves for a few more years.

    1. RadioBowels

      Four things they will never bicker about:
      1. No 3-4% marginal tax "hikes."
      2. Eliminating the "Death Tax."
      3. Hating Obama 365, 24/7, all the time.
      4. Cutting the Military-Idustrial-Socialist Complex.

    2. Isyaignert

      "…the sould of the Repuiblican party." I always knew they didn't have a soul and wondered what they did have and now I know. Thx.!

  16. Dumbedup

    Sometimes, I really wish Hunter S. Thompson were alive, to see this cage of rats turn on each other, Cheney practically from the grave.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I wish he was alive all of the time. It makes me mad that he thought it was acceptable to bail on me before W was even out and he could point out exactly how shitty it was.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          He's been dead since before I was alive – all I have left in the here and now is Matt Taibbi, and he's WAY too sane and reasonable.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          If I had had that access, I'd've stalked, become, shot some things and imbibed everything to be in his presence til he wanted to die too. And shut up Johnny Depp is even creepier-hot than Taibbi. I likes em wEIrd.

          1. prommie

            This Depp guy is only a year and a half younger than me, you likes em old, too, you wheelchair-robber.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Yes I suppose I do. Like my hero and personal prophet Crash Davis said, ""I'm not interested in a woman who's interested in that boy"

  17. Jus_Wonderin

    Wait! Didn't McCain torture the American public with Sarah Palin. Oh, and its the torture gift that keeps on giving.

  18. JustPixelz

    When Cheney said Obama would be a one-term President, I knew we (Demoncrats) had the election in the bag. Because Dick Cheney has never been right about anything.

    1. Isyaignert

      'cept he was real good at turning Haliburton from a near bankrupt company to one making billions from no-bid contracts. What a guy!

  19. James Michael Curley

    SurveyUSA gave Obama Florida 48% to 43% today. In July 2008 Florida was still heavy in for McCain.

    Is it important or significant? SurveyUSA is not the only pollster but the first in recent months to cross so heavily into Obama territory. The James Michael Curley analysis of the importance of Florida is that if Obama gets Florida Romney CAN'T win. If Romney get Florida he still has a big fight.

    In other words that long dangly thing at the bottom of the east coast can cock block Romney.

    1. prommie

      Have they developed a means to correct for registration purges and onerous new ID requirements that will have the olds all confuzed?

      1. James Michael Curley

        Yes, all voter purges prior to election day are premature ejections of valid voters and thus a stain on the fabric of life where all sperm gets an equal chance to become a voter.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      JMC:

      I've been following Real Clear Politics, and they have Mr. Obama with 231 electoral votes; (r)Money 191.

      18 votes from Ohio (Mr. Obama up by 5.0); 6 from Nevada (5.3) and 16 from Michigan (4.2) puts our man at 271. They have Mr. Obama's lead in Florida at 0.6.

      One of the more interesting trends is (r)Money up in North Carolina by 0.4 – that's a dead heat.

    3. HistoriCat

      But are those numbers adjusted for voter suppression?

      edit – that will teach me to refresh before commenting. I yield to prommie.

  20. James Michael Curley

    Still can't take him ANYWHERE.

    "As you come here and you see the GDP per capita, for instance, in Israel which is about $21,000 dollars, and compare that with the GDP per capita just across the areas managed by the Palestinian Authority, which is more like $10,000 per capita, you notice such a dramatically stark difference in economic vitality," the Republican presidential candidate told about 40 wealthy donors who ate breakfast at the luxurious King David Hotel."
    Did he just say Palestinians are the Welfare Queens of the Middle East?

    1. BoroPrimorac

      "It seems to me this man lacks information, knowledge, vision and understanding of this region and its people"

      I doubt this is the last time we'll here someone say this about the American Borat.

      1. MosesInvests

        That wing of the King David was being used as a headquarters by the British Army, who were warned beforehand that there were bombs there. Not a fan of Begin, but let's set the record straight.

        1. James Michael Curley

          In the documents which make up the body of documents produced for the Senate Joint Multinational Hearings in 1973 there are documents that show Saramco (a Saudi/Aramco oil partnership of the time) was aware of the plot but did not feel an urgency to inform British government but sent copies of the telex's to BP and RDS.

    2. Chichikovovich

      In the movie "Breaker Morant" there's a terrific moment when an eager-beaver young King-and-Country aide is discussing the delicate situation in South Africa with Lord Kitchener. Kitchener is describing how the Germans are just dying to have an excuse to enter the conflict, ostensibly to protect the Boers from English mistreatment. Kitcher then says that of course, the Germans have no concern at all for the welfare of the Boers, they are just interested in the gold and diamonds of South Africa.

      The aide says keenly: "They lack our altruism, sir!"

      Kitcher looks at the eager-beaver aide in disbelief that anyone could be so naive, then satisfied that the aide was not being a smartass, says dryly, with a still vaguely disbelieving air: "Yes. Quite".

      I imagine the 40 wealthy donors all had that Kitchener look on their faces when eager-beaver Romney came out with those pearls of analysis.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I vaguely remember that. In my opinion Rowan Atkinson did it much better in "The Black Adder Goes to War."

        1. doloras

          "George, the British Empire covers a quarter of the globe. The German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be excused on the empire-building front."

  21. BTWBFDIMHO

    Fawcett/O’Neals..
    Oh, I remember when Tatum was a delightful, beautiful, 7-year-old Christian girl.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Wine out of a soda can. That is so lame.

      You use a hypo to inject vodka into an orange. Didn't that young lady (and Frank) go to high school?

      1. metamarcisf

        Yeah, lame. Like telling the therapist to being a gun to an intervention. At a bar.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          I don't know about that. I think they were just looking out for the therapist – wanted her to be ready and stuff.

  22. Chet Kincaid

    Cool, Cheney vs. Walnuts, it'll be one of the great Undead Battles, flying through the air at each other in the middle of a full moon, fangs and claws bared, while their hissing Brides knock babies out of each other's frigid fingers!

  23. chicken_thief

    Sucks to be Lindsay – two essentially dead guys battling it out and he barely gets a mention.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    Over the weekend Dick Cheney said Sarah Palin wasn't qualified to be President (duh).

    Karl Rover said pretty much the same thing in 2010.

    While I agree with both of them, it demonstrates an astonishing lack of integrity – and disregard for the best interests of America – to state that years after the 2008 election.

    1. Isyaignert

      The problem, however, is that like mentally ill people, idiots think they're just fine and YOU are the one with the problem.

  25. Designer_Rants

    Beccs, much appreciated that you called out almost the exact second-mark to watch for that fun nugget. Or do you just now know that we're not going to watch any Fox clips without express assurances of what we're in for?

  26. Chichikovovich

    The fact that Cheney and those like him pass through life in a generally un-smote state does seem to me pretty compelling evidence that there is either no God, or there is a God but He/She doesn't intervene in the normal course of nature in response to prayers, or there is a God and He/She does intervene in the normal course of nature in response to prayers, but He/She has no interest in moral questions, only those related to sporting events with substantial revenue potential in major media markets, …. etc.

    But maybe I've been getting it wrong. Perhaps God does intervene in the ordinary course of nature in response to prayer, but there is some red tape you have to go through, as characterised in the Providential Standards and Best Practices Manual. No lightning bolt zapping without the proper form of request. But he is just itching to introduce Cheney to an enormous potential difference. He's just waiting for someone to say "Dear God. I know I don't talk to you often, blah, blah, anyway, bottom line: the PIN code is 5523H25J. Please smite Dick Cheney. You know the one I mean." And then immediately, before the "You" is pronounced in the final sentence, ZAP! Pile of ashes large enough to fill a man-sized safe and the world hears a contented sigh of Divine Relief. A Divine Itch was finally scratched.

    Now the 5523H25J PIN number doesn't work – I just tried it, and no dice. But maybe something like that will do the job. Perhaps it's not numbers, but old song lyrics: "Dear God, Some enchanted evening you may meet a stranger. Please smite Dick C[Rest of prayer drowned out by sound of loud ZAP, plus Divine Sigh, etc.]

    So look, if everyone in the world will just try a couple of prayers like this every night – I mean, that's billions of people, even allowing for a few thousand people who don't do it because they think it's silly. We're bound to get lucky sooner rather than later. Spread the word!

    1. prommie

      I was talking about this on the other post, God is just too busy policing the penises and vaginas, on account of apples and snakes, to be concerned with trivia such as suffering and injustice.

    2. Isyaignert

      Whenever I accidentially see one of those televangalist crooks on TV, I am reminded that they obviously don't believe in God and the bullchit they're spouting, because if they did, they'd know their blasphemist scam would damn them to Hell and they wouldn't do it.

    3. Nostrildamus

      Now the 5523H25J PIN number doesn't work – I just tried it, and no dice.

      Silly, you can only get angel heads on a PIN.

  27. thefrontpage

    This is an actual transcript from a recent meeting between Romney, Cheney and McCain, as obtained by The Washington Herald-Courier-Journal:

    Cheney: Picking that Palin moron was stupid.

    McCain: I didn't ask for your opinion.

    Cheney: That's the problem.

    McCain: Well, who would you have chosen in 2008?

    Cheney: Either Michelle Bachmann, or Michelle Malkin, Voters love the name Michelle in politicis.

    McCain: That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard.

    Romney: Who should I pick, fellas?

    Cheney: Don't call me "fella," Mormon.

    McCain: There's this young, beautiful, insightful, wildly experienced political prodigy in New York, Mindy Meyer. I think you should choose her.

    Romney: Johnny boy, that's a nifty idea! Thanks, son!

    McCain: Don't call me Johnny, don't say anything I do is "nifty," and don't call me son, Mormon.

    Tape ends at this point, with sounds of struggling, fighting, and dishes breaking.

    # # #

  28. DahBoner

    I haven't seen this much interventioning since that Shirley McClaine New Age seminar back in the 80's…

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