No Really -- Radical Mennonite Fundamentalists!

Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus

Can't argue with logic like this!Here’s a strange indicator that The Gays are moving closer to full marriage equality: In a New York Times story, we learn that gay couples are now able to attain levels of relationship misery that had hitherto been reserved for straights. It is a dubious achievement, to be sure, but now some gay couples who break up can look forward to their children being caught up in one of the more tragic fringes of family law, international child abduction. And like so many other stories involving gay families, the issue is complicated because a number of the people involved are thoroughly convinced that Jesus is terribly angry about genitalia.

Welcome to the horrible sad story of Lisa A. Miller and Janet Jenkins, who met in at an AA meeting in 1997, entered into a civil union in Vermont in 2000, and had a daughter, Isabella, by in vitro fertilization in 2002:

they picked a donor with Ms. Jenkins’s green eyes. Isabella Ruth Miller-Jenkins was born in Virginia on April 16, 2002. Ms. Jenkins cut the umbilical cord as her own mother, Ruth, stood in the room….

Isabella learned to call Ms. Jenkins “Mama” and Ms. Miller “Mommy.” In these apparently happier days, Ms. Miller made an Easter card for Ms. Jenkins with Isabella’s handprints and the words, “Mamma I love you.”

Only Ms. Miller decided, on reflection, that she wasn’t gay after all, because she became a born-again Christian, and obviously born-again Christians can’t be lesbians, silly! So in 2003, when Isabella was 17 months old, Miller dissolved the civil union, moved to Virginia and taught at a Christian school affiliated with Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, and then, since she had hit the Reset Button on her life, she also redefined the woman with whom she’d had a child, and who Vermont law said was Isabella’s other parent, as just an unfortunate side-effect of her “addiction to the gay lifestyle,” and so she could be wished out of existence, or at least out of their daughter’s life.

Miller ultimately refused to let Jenkins have court-ordered visits with Isabella (citing a visit during which Jenkins “traumatized” the child by taking a bath with her and also read the book “Heather Has Two Mommies” to her), so in 2009 a Vermont judge, tired of Miller’s failure to comply with visitation orders, granted primary custody to Jenkins. Miller slipped Isabella across the border to Canada, caught a plane to Mexico, and they are now in hiding out in Nicaragua with the help of radical Mennonite fundamentalists, which is a three-word combination we had not imagined ourselves ever typing. Miller is being sought by the FBI and Interpol on charges of international child kidnapping, and one of the ministers who helped her leave the country, Kenneth L. Miller (who is not related to Lisa Miller), will go on trial in August in Vermont for his role in abetting the abduction.

The case has become a cause celebre for some fundamentalists, who portray it not as a custody case, but as the unwarranted persecution of a Christian woman who simply wanted to protect her daughter from the crazed homosexual with whom she used to also be a crazed homosexual before she got cured of that nonsense. The nice Christians at LifeSiteNews described the case in 2011 as a joint attempt by “homosexualists” and federal prosecutors “to take Isabella Miller away from her mother and give her to an unrelated lesbian.” They also warn that recognizing the rights of gay parents

enables homosexual activists to oppress and persecute people who renounce homosexual perversion, with assistance of the FBI, which has effectively become — at least in the Jenkins-Miller case — a Gaystapo.

Zing! Before fleeing the country, Lisa Miller filed an appeal of the custody decision, echoing similar themes:

“What is at stake is the health and well-being of an intelligent, delightful, beautiful, 7-year-old Christian girl,” she wrote. Isabella “knows from her own reading of the Bible that marriage is between a man and a woman,” she wrote, “that she cannot have two mommies, that when I lived the homosexual lifestyle I sinned against God, and that unless Janet accepts Christ as her personal savior, she will not go to heaven.”

Religion sure does promote healthy families! The moral of this story may be, gay or straight, you should really think twice before having children with somebody you met at a 12-step meeting! We sincerely hope that young Isabella somehow manages to turn out even slightly normal after all she has been through.

[NYT]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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182 comments

  1. Beowoof

    Oh no, the Gay Agenda of indoctrination is on full display in the imaginations of the funde mentals once again.

    1. ThundercatHo

      If you aren't confused you are doing it wrong. I mean, doesn't it seem like the folks who are always so sure that they are doing things the only right way make the suckiest parents?

  2. Jus_Wonderin

    Wouldn't that graphic have worked better if it used Andy Warhol's Campbell's Soup can?

  3. SorosBot

    So the daughter is a "7-year-old Christian girl"; that surprises me, as most seven-year-olds do not really have the ability to consider different religions and choose which one they believe.

      1. GhostBuggy

        You know what they say: they'll take you as soon as you're warm.

        It's not just for Catholics anymore.

      1. ThundercatHo

        My son laughed at our attempts to get him to believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy even though there was proof in the form of gifts and cash. I'd hate to see what nitwits we'd be if we tried to get him to believe in a deity.

  4. Preferred Customer

    You know how sometimes you see a heart-warming story, and it makes you feel generally warm and happy and pleasantly upbeat about the future of humanity?

    This is the opposite of that.

  5. IncenseDebate

    Matthew 10:34. "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.

    "For I have come to 'set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law'; a former lesbian mama against a lesbian mommy; and 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household. And all you desperate loners keep your hands out out of your pants!' – Jesus

  6. GhostBuggy

    “What is at stake is the health and well-being of an intelligent, delightful, beautiful, 7-year-old Christian girl"

    And what could ensure the health and well-being of an innocent 7-year-old girl better than being spirited away to Central America to live with some cultists?

      1. Steverino247

        Let's not forget some exciting rape and forced marriage to one of the tribal elders…

    1. pdiddycornchips

      This is a real dilemma for wingnuts. Do you love Jesus or you do you love America? Choose !!!

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      When is the last time somebody rang your doorbell and tried to convert you to gehy?

  7. noodlesalad

    Render unto me the little children, so I can turn them into bigots and homophobes and eventually Republican congresscritters who will break most of the ten commandments on a daily basis.

  8. JustPixelz

    Isabella “knows from her own reading of the Bible that marriage is between a man and a woman,”

    Isabella may also know from her own reading of the Bible that children are begatted through the process of "knowing" someone instead of that sciencey in vitro bidness.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I can't wait to hear Isabella's conversation about babby Jeebus, whose own virgin mother was knocked up by invisible Skydaddy sperm.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "invisible Skydaddy sperm"

        That's why I always carry a can of Black Flag with me.

  9. DaSandman

    Religion is a ruling class construct created to control the working class.

    Who said that. I did. Maybe Lenin did too. But I said it snappier.

    You'll get your reward in another life? Fuck that noise.

    1. succalina

      You are Wonkette are totally spot on. People in AA are over-zealots (because they now know a higher power that can save YOU too!) that remind me of Glenn Beck. Rebel with crazy shit doing down, but now he's sober and a Mormon and now he's totally normal. Uh, no.

  10. Terry

    "…with assistance of the FBI, which has effectively become — at least in the Jenkins-Miller case — a Gaystapo"

    I can't wait to tell a friend who works for the FBI that he's part of the Gaystapo. That should make his day!

      1. Terry

        Good point, but certain uptight, proud individuals don't like to hear that their organization has an awesome new nickname.

      1. HistoriCat

        "When you were tired of hauling that belly around, those were my footprints in the sand."

  11. thatsitfortheother1

    "you should really think twice before having children with somebody you met at a 12-step meeting"

    Where else can you meet them?

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        I knew single, childless guys who would do anything to get into Parents Without Partners meetings.

        The pigs. ;-)

  12. BTWBFDIMHO

    And the delightful, beautiful, baby Jesus didn't cry, trying to prove he's not gay.

  13. Chow Yun Flat

    homosexualists

    Those must be the homosexuals who are so good at it that they can turn anyone into a Gay with just a look. I knew a guy…

    But that was a long time ago and I was probably drunk.

  14. SorosBot

    Oppression, the Christians do not know what it is; they think having to obey neutral laws is somehow oppression when applied to them, usually it occurs when Christians are prevented from oppressing non-Christians, but now we see that even being prosecuted for fucking kidnapping is "oppression" in their eyes.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      From this and other comments, I'm guessing that the pic up top is a lot more interesting than the red 'x' I am seeing…

  15. MacRaith

    So let me get this straight (if you'll pardon the expression.) It's the Christian, allegedly former lesbian parent who repeatedly broke the law and then abducted the child – but it's actually all the fault of the other parent, the one who obeyed the law.

  16. Chow Yun Flat

    "they are now in hiding out in Nicaragua with the help of radical Mennonite fundamentalists, which is a three-word combination we had not imagined ourselves ever typing.

    No kidding–that is the most WTF part of this whole sad story.

    1. under_score

      These are not your great-grandfather's Mennonites.

      "Peters remembers riding in a horse-drawn buggy while growing up in Mennonite Mexico. Today he drives a car and even watches DirectTV." http://lubbockonline.com/faith/2010-11-07/mennoni

      Saw a family of 'em shopping at Home Depot yesterday/ Always weirds me out.

      So no, I have no problem making the step from "car-driving Mennonite" to "radical fundamentalist Mennonite". I think the intersection of the groups is zero, though.

      1. viennawoods13

        There are lots of Mennonites who don't dress differently at all. However, it's hard to be a Mennonite without also being a pacifist, so not sure how they are demonstrating their radicalism.

        1. under_score

          I did not know about the pacifist part. I suppose they must be hiding without guns, then

          (oops, stupid comment arrows…! Scroll down before reply should be in the comment box)

        2. BaldarTFlagass

          You know why the leg hair on Mennonite women grows straight out? To help keep their stockings up.

        3. actor212

          The most fundamental Mennonites are the Amish (even tho technically they aren't Mennonites at all). Mennonites have tended to become more and more mainstream, and those sects seem to be dying off as they assimilate into secular society.

          However, the most conservative (hence radical) sects are actually growing, in large part because they've set up sanctuaries in countries like Mexico and Belize, which have granted them non-interference agreements…basically, we'll leave you freaks alone, just don't proselityze among our peoples.

          1. tessiee

            "The most fundamental Mennonites are the Amish (even tho technically they aren't Mennonites at all)"

            "You know what the Amish are like, right? Well, Mennonites are like Amish with a shitty attitude." — Rev. Billy C. Wirtz, spoken intro to song "Mennonite Surf Party"

        4. Doktor Zoom

          I had a friend in grad school who was a Mennonite of the librul pacifist variety; he said that his family in PA "proudly own all the major appliances."

          1. viennawoods13

            I teach many reform, "assimilated" Mennonites. They are indistinguishable from the rest of the kids. We also have a large population of old-order Mennonites (they don't call themselves Amish up here) in the area. Of course they are supposed to be, among other things, non-drinking. Just the other night our neighbour was chuckling because the old-order (buggy riders) were a little unsteady when they left his place where they were doing some work. Apparently they were indulging in some spirituous refreshment.

          2. YasserArraFeck

            I'm sorry – that's not correct. If you don't have an AR-15, you don't have all of the major appliances. This is Amercia, dammit!!

  17. prommie

    I have it on good authority that Jesus will send you to be tortured with fire for eternity if you put your tingly parts next to, alongside, over, under, on, inside of or adjacent to, a non-approved person's tingly parts. And hey, that makes such perfect sense, for the supreme being and creator of the universe to be completely obsessed with that and that alone, the illicit adjacentness of people's tingly parts, instead of, you know, justice and peace and happiness existing in a little greater quantities in the world.

    Makes perfect sense once you understand that its because some chick let a snake talk her into eating an apple.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "Makes perfect sense once you understand that its because some chick let a snake talk her into eating an apple."

      I wonder what pickup line he used 'cuz Dude Snake is a master.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Always remember that in these cases, man's law is most important, and it's only State Sanctioned marriages that count, because we know God cares more about historical legal property ownership anyway. All you gotta do is make sure your naked parts don't match and know who holds the deed to that land, otherwise, if you do the person with the same nakedness and a different house, you will go to hell. See? Makes perfect sense.

      1. prommie

        So what you're saying is that a marriage certificate is really just a fucking license? Why, it all makes sense now, of course God would want to torture you with fire forever, for fucking without a license.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Millions and millions of oh so superior, fully licensed, never-fail, incredibly happy married people can't be wrong.

          1. thatsitfortheother1

            Can I just get a learner's permit?

            And if I flunk, can I renew it over and over and over and…

          2. prommie

            Well now I know why it would be so wrong to let homosexualists get married! If you issue a fucking license to homosexualists, you are sanctioning the adjacentness of improper tingly parts.

          3. doloras

            They have those in Shi'ite Islam. The Ayatollahs come up with some interesting rulings – like, it's okay to be transsexual if you're straight afterwards.

    3. Preferred Customer

      I've always thought that story would make more sense if it was an apple talking a chick into eating a snake. Maybe just a transcription error.

    4. tessiee

      "I have it on good authority that Jesus will send you to be tortured with fire for eternity if you put your tingly parts next to, alongside, over, under, on, inside of or adjacent to, a non-approved person's tingly parts."

      Well, god has to find *some* way to punish the queerz for having sex, since they can't accidentally get pragnit.

  18. annettaj

    Ms. Miller will decide she wants to be a nun next–then she'll hand the kid over to the church. And thats never a good thing.

  19. pinkocommi

    Not long ago I was gladdened by an NPR story about how changes in views on gay marriage really only move one way-from bigotry to tolerance. So thank you Wonkette for ruining that theory.

  20. Goonemeritus

    I will be making my wife a nice dinner tonight to thank her for not running off to Nicaragua with the help of radical Mennonite fundamentalists.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I will be doing the opposite. If only I had a child to encourage her to take off….hmm.

  21. Steverino247

    International child abductions are really messy, but usually get worked out. Here's your happy ending, based on the fact that the State of Vermont and the FBI are not amused: Eventually, the local authorities in Central America will be induced by the FBI (which agency is expert at this sort of thing–really) to raid the compound and rescue the child who will be returned to the sane parent. After some therapy with a really good clinician, she will lead a normal life, whatever that will be in twelve years, so long as she avoids People Magazine and the tabloids.

    1. actor212

      Not sure I agree. There was that kid that was kidnapped to Brazil and it took like six years for the dad to get him back. And that was just one family holding him, albeit rich. A compound full of folks? A lot harder.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      To complicate matters, the mom isn't even hiding out with the fundie folks she was originally being hidden by, partly because US Marshalls have been looking for her, but also because she apparently managed to get snippy with THEM over matters of doctrine, too.

      The group from Managua returned home within a day or two. But personal relations with Ms. Miller, who tends to see things “in black and white,” Timo Miller said, were getting strained. Within weeks after the party, she and her daughter moved back to Jinotega, renting a house on their own in town.

      (Timo Miller–again, not related–is a missionary in Nicaragua who was arrested for his role in the plot; he's testifying against the US minister in exchange for immunity)

    3. Steverino247

      The operant word was "eventually." It will end eventually. This woman is wearing out her welcome quickly (guess why!) so it won't take too long. She's playing the Christian angle to find help hiding out and financing it, but the word about what a bitch she is seems to be getting around. There's nothing like the Brazil case going on here and having to keep changing locations might complicate things, but also makes it easier to snatch the child back. All they have to do is get hold of the child, get back to the embassy and it's all over.

  22. helefink

    Look at all them homosexualist worms! Anyway, the lesson is clear: a dangerous, immoral, and insidious minority poses a grave threat to children's safety. And it ain't the homosexualists.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Oh, so that is what those true christians are afraid of–GAY WORMS!! Yikes…and with worms being hermaphrodatic, they will overrun the country in no time. Run for your lives!

  23. chascates

    I think the threat from Muslims taking over America is pretty ridiculous. The danger from evangelical Christians however is obvious.

  24. mavenmaven

    Growing up in a cult in Mexico? Looks like we have a republican presidential candidate in the making!

  25. not that Dewey

    Isabella is lucky that she ended up with Radical Mennonite Fundamentalists, and not, for example, puppeteers.

  26. An_Outhouse

    I blame this on AA and the fact that it took three women to make the child. Who knew two chicks could replace one guy.

  27. not that Dewey

    Hush now baby, baby don't you cry
    Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
    Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Even now in their late 70s, my dad still rags his sister about doing this very thing to my cousins.

  28. Guppy

    You forgot the part where Liberty University is now teaching potential lawyers it's totally OK and ethical to help a client kidnap a child because God's law is superior to man's.

  29. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    As a member of the Gaystopo I have the right to detain and strip search whomever I deem suspicious at any time. Also, my uniform is snazzy!

  30. Chet Kincaid

    I know a lesbian couple who went through the same thing: got married, one of them carried a baby, and then the other decided she was in love with some guy and sued for custody. The woman who carried the baby was heartbroken. Seems like you would want to be pretty fucking sure of your orientation before putting other people through that. Or maybe women's orientations are just more malleable than men's? (I ask an ignorant question to advance human knowledge.)

    1. TavariousChinaSmith

      Divorce always sucks, and it always sucks for the children. Now imagine Heather had two mommies who eventually divorced and married other women. When Heather grows up and gets married herself, her husband (or wife!) will now have 4 mother-in-laws.

      But that would still be far better than what Isabella's mommy did, or what your switch-hitter above did.

      1. HistoriCat

        When Heather grows up and gets married herself, her husband (or wife!) will now have 4 mother-in-laws.

        This is why it's always best to marry an orphan – no crazy in-laws to deal with.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      "Seems like you would want to be pretty fucking sure of your orientation before putting other people through that."

      What difference does sexual orientation make? People hook up and make babies and then figure out it is a mistake all the time. She'd be just as heartbroken if the man she's seeing knocked her up and left her. Just sayin'

  31. Chet Kincaid

    All the Weird Sects are running off below the border to create their heavens on earth, now and historically! Anybody want to start a Compound in Costa Rica based around cocktails, buttocks-worship and snark?

  32. user-of-towels

    You should see the radical Mennonite fundamentalists' version of Witness. Harrison Ford is the frail.*
    _________________
    * Yes, I realize that Witness was technically about an Amish community, not a Mennonite one. So sorry, English.

  33. CivicHoliday

    As a mom, I really have no snark here. This story is crazy enough as it is. I just feel really really really bad for that little girl. And also really really really bad for the other mom who isn't allowed to see the child she loves. :(

  34. Guppy

    radical Mennonite fundamentalists

    And I`ve been milkin` and plowin` so long that
    Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.

  35. TavariousChinaSmith

    And then little Isabella grew up to become a radical Menonita Fundimentalista Sandinista.

  36. tessiee

    "radical Mennonite fundamentalists"

    *sound effect of shotgun pumping*
    "Step-eth away from that butter churn."

  37. Redhead

    "a joint attempt by “homosexualists” and federal prosecutors “to take Isabella Miller away from her mother and give her to an unrelated lesbian.”"

    What are their feelings on adoption then?

  38. pdiddycornchips

    Do these fundamentalist Mennonites have an address? Because I would airlift a case of MD 20/20 and a couple of 8 balls down there ASAP. The only hope this child has is getting mommy on the sauce again.

  39. a_pink_poodle

    Homosexualist has way too many syllables. A catchy term should have, at most, 3 syllables (ie. Islamist, Feminist, Extremist) so you don't fall over yourself trying to pronounce it. Why do you think you only hear Antidisestablishmentarianist in Black Adder and obscure forums no one visits?

  40. unclejeems

    Yes. the gay agenda. The great gay conspiracy. Never before has so little been perpetrated on so many by so few.

  41. Doloras

    Why have they illustrated a cartoon on the gay agenda with the Transgender Pride symbol?

  42. littlebigdaddy

    Some questions here…which mom got the cats? which one the Subaru? Which one the autographed Sally Ride memoir (too soon?)?

  43. whatupirondog

    Was that cartoon drawn by Stan Kelly, the political cartoonist from "The Onion"? It's just missing a crying Statue of Liberty in the corner.

  44. lulzmonger

    Today we are all anthropomorphic purple worms partying in the GAY CONFUSION STEW can atop the HISTORY hill.

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