WWJD?  12:26 pm July 29, 2012

Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating. Hooray!

Bring it, Tampa Bay Times:

Brown was arrested on charges of conspiring to kidnap a child and possession of child pornography and booked into the Pinellas County Jail. U.S. Department of Homeland Security agents who searched his home found lewd images of children bound and gagged, a flier for a missing child and “images of children that appear to be deceased.”

According to the affidavit supporting the criminal complaint, Brown told agents that he and Kansas resident Michael Arnett, another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast, “did discuss killing, dismembering and eating” a specific boy at Gulf Coast Church. However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”

[...]

Using online monikers that investigators traced to their computers, Brown and Arnett discussed killing — what they called “snuffing” — children as young as 2. Arnett described what different human body parts tasted like, roasted or cooked in a skillet, according to the complaint.

In one chat cited in the complaint, Arnett described drowning a little girl, and in another, he and Brown excitedly talked about a photo, shared by Arnett, of a 3-year-old girl being strangled.

“That’s how I would enjoy doing” the unidentified boy from Gulf Coast Church, Brown said.

Lock up your children, everybody. There are Christians around.

[TampaBayTimes]

 

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{ 248 comments }

Steverino247 July 29, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Some people take both the Bible and Jonathan Swift too literally.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 29, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Aww yeah. Them Psalms. http://bible.cc/psalms/137-9.htm

bibliotequetress July 29, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Total win for Swift reference.

Troubledog July 29, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Deity worshipers seem to have a lot of dietary restrictions.

vasty_derp July 29, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Or not enough of them.

memzilla July 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I know, I know… "tastes like chicken."

Slim_Pickins July 29, 2012 at 6:48 pm

the Polynesians called it long pig not chicken.

Gurkman July 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

When first presented with pork by Cortés, Montezuma said "it tastes just like human!"

Hedley_Lamarr July 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Child-Fil-A?

RadioBowels July 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Yeah, but he wouldn't kill a child on Sunday.

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Remember, the Santorum kids love that sauce on everything!

smokefilledroomba July 30, 2012 at 2:47 am

EAT MOR CHILDRIN

mayor_quimby July 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

You, sir, are the winner!

Steverino247 July 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Comment of the week? That's HEDLEY'S!

ThankYouJeebus July 29, 2012 at 8:00 pm

As long as there's nothing queer about it.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:16 am

I don't know, seems like "Chick-Fil-A" would be just as approriate in this situation, too.

Steverino247 July 29, 2012 at 12:33 pm

A new song for the prison hymnal: "What a Fiend We Have in Jesus."

GemlikeFlame July 30, 2012 at 12:06 am

Lord, bless and keep your followers….

…far away from me.

anniegetyerfun July 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Fuck this. I'm going back to bed.

MaxUdargo July 29, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Seriously. Holy fucking shit.

It's not often I get a chance to quote Jayne Cobb, but "eating people alive? Where does that get fun?"

MaxUdargo July 29, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Actually, I just watched the video of that guy and his creepy doll talking about dirty pictures, and now I realize the real question here is how nobody ever figured out that he wanted to kill and eat children.

"I have a doll and I try to fool kids into thinking it is talking by hiding the fact that I am the one talking. I have made a career out of this. It is my passion. Can I have access to your children now, please?"

Woodshedding July 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Mind-numbing.

Nothingisamiss July 29, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Would that it were soul-numbing.

One_Man_Band July 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Straight from the Karl Rove playbook: Accuse Your Opponent of What He/She is Going to Accuse You Of.
http://whyevolutionistrue.files.wordpress.com/201

Isyaignert July 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm

BINGO!!!!

OkieDokieDog July 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Either teh gays or Obama is to blame. Probably both.

starfanglednut July 29, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Ahem. Muzlinz!

kittensdontlie July 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Don't forget your run-of-the-mill liberal fornicators….they and their sexin' are the worst.

RadioBowels July 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm

At least he wasn't eating fetus.

kittensdontlie July 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Hey, don't we have a god-given right to cannilbalism in this country, or has Nobama taken that away too…

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Sautee the little children, with onion and brie, for such is the kingdom of Heaven.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Horrible combination. Garlic would be better. Unless you caramelized the onion and added a little, I dunno, something crunchy like toasted nuts, maybe? Cholesterol city?

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Well, duh. Of course you'd carmelize the onion first.

I know the pangs of guilt I get every time I go to wolf down some sauteed child with carmelized onions, and I ask myself "is there too much cholesterol in these pine nuts?"

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Child meat might be high in cholesterol too. (wistfully)

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Given that it's on-topic this time, I'll give you a pass on the cannibalism. This time.

mavenmaven July 29, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I have not seen a horror movie scarier than what that freak is saying in that video, particularly given that we now know what kind of "pictures" entertain this monster.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I've always maintained that horror movies are a way to take our minds off the truly scary shit out there. And he's far from the first, or has everyone forgotten Albert Fish?

emmelemm July 30, 2012 at 4:43 am

That's why *I* like horror movies. It's hard to explain to people sometimes, but honestly, it distracts me from how horrible the world REALLY is.

Doktor Zoom July 30, 2012 at 8:57 am

Stephen King nailed it 30 years ago

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Me too. Friday the 13th? Hmph. The guy next door beating his little daughter within an inch of her life? Now that's scary.

johnmburt July 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm

They seem to be conflating two texts: "What you do to the least of these your brothers, you do to me" and "Eat, this is my body". Hardly the first time the splendid words of Christ have been let down by self-proclaimed Christians….

anniegetyerfun July 29, 2012 at 12:59 pm

As Rick Perry might say, "Oops."

weejee July 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Food for thought.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 6:57 pm

^^ COTD.

Isyaignert July 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I like your Christ, but not your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. — M. Gandhi

PubOption July 29, 2012 at 12:42 pm

He looks to be a lousy ventriloquist. I can clearly see his jaw moving in the video, and I think he turns sideways because his lips are moving as well. Also his voice and the dummy's are identical.

Chichikovovich July 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Yes, that's it exactly! He is completely inadequate in the ventriloquary arts.

I knew there was something I didn't like about the guy.

Beowoof July 29, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Well it does beg the question, which one is the dummy?

Chet Kincaid July 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I think I've seen a couple of versions of that movie, one of them on MST3K.

savethispatient July 29, 2012 at 3:37 pm

The bar for ventriloquism apparently used to be a lot lower – when my Dad was growing up, the BBC had a ventriloquist act on the radio.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Charlie MacCarthy (Candace Bergen's brother) was also a radio dummy.

bflrtsplk July 29, 2012 at 12:42 pm

He was going to use the dead children for puppets in a religious morality play.

Fukui-sanYesOta July 29, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Or a reboot of the feeding of the five thousand.

Goonemeritus July 29, 2012 at 12:43 pm

This might have a negative impact on his birthday party bookings.

anniegetyerfun July 29, 2012 at 12:59 pm

That depends. Is he in Florida?

Jesus fucking Christ, it IS Florida. I didn't even read the goddamn thing.

Butch_Wagstaff July 29, 2012 at 6:39 pm

When I read a headline about some craziness I say to myself "Must be Florida". I'm right about 5 or 6 times out of 10.

viennawoods13 July 29, 2012 at 8:56 pm

And originally from Alabama. What were the odds?

CthuNHu July 30, 2012 at 12:46 am

Any day that you wind up defending yourself by mentioning that you fantasize about murdering and dining upon your target audience's demographic is pretty much bound to be a loss in the old PR column, I always say.

Woodshedding July 29, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Oh! I just saw the video. Despite the channel ID being grayed-out, you can see it's that hideous religious cable channel – what's that called! Haw! the big-haired lady host on that channel was always as sickening as this guy. Well, almost.

mrblifil July 29, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Children are horrible. I know from personal experience.

kittensdontlie July 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Of course they are horrible. Look at what nutritionless food they eat. With a varied whole grain and natural food diet, their livers will be regain their true lovliness, and with some fava beans and a nice chianti….now there's a meal–H. Lector

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Actually, children, being young and tender, should be eaten as close to raw as possible. Perhaps a tartare of the fillets? And a quick broil of the fattier parts. Or a saute, with fresh herbs, white wine, and pepper.

Now you've made me hungry.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:19 am

Yeah, you have to let the meat mature/age a bit more before it's really good.

Doktor Zoom July 30, 2012 at 12:20 am

Grass-fed free-range organic children are spendy, but well worth it

MonkeyMotion July 29, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Clearly the fault of a god-hating, prayer-hating, freedom-hating, secular society.

Please pass the ketchup.

weejee July 29, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Looks like Rmoney will have to take Brown off his short list for Education Secretary. So hard to find true puppets for the Cabinet.

Texan_Bulldog July 29, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"…child cannibalism enthusiast." Wow, FB has a group for everyone!

mavenmaven July 29, 2012 at 12:46 pm

OT: Here's a picture of Romney re-baptizing the now ancient Mormon Temple of Jerusalem. http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/29/rom

SayItWithWookies July 29, 2012 at 1:03 pm

You're finally home, Mitt, after your people's long journey. Now consider staying there.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 1:24 pm

You can't hate Israel that much, can you?

redarmyzombie July 29, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Not even they deserve that, Gemini. Much as I dislike them, not even they deserve that!

viennawoods13 July 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

AND he has declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm

A stroke of diplomatic genius. Or perhaps I meant "stroke-inducing undiplomatic genius."

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Am I wrong to find that he is a puppeteer to be the creepiest thing about this whole story?

Texan_Bulldog July 29, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Eating children…meh, but puppet's eyes never close –creeeepy!

Mumbletypeg July 29, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Myself, I'm finding 'creepy' to be only thing emanating from this story.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

No, it's definitely hitting all my "creepdar" alarms.

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 9:10 pm

He's just doing for puppetry what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns – provide the solid proof of creepiness we always suspected.

bumfug July 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The Devil made him do it.

valthemus July 29, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Leave Dick Cheney out of this. He's busy telling Sarah Palin what a miserable loser bitch she is.

(He hates Sarah Palin AND he's in favor of same-sex marriage? I could learn to like this man if he weren't a walking hellpit of Stygian evil.)

Butch_Wagstaff July 29, 2012 at 6:45 pm

It was speaking to him through the puppet.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 30, 2012 at 1:55 am

Our interest in this guy is strictly (and very highly) professional.

ChernobylSoup July 29, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Dude, you can't go straight to being Pope, you have to become a Cardinal first.

anniegetyerfun July 29, 2012 at 1:01 pm

A thousand up-thumbs for you!

Texan_Bulldog July 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Or a coach at Penn State.

freddymcmurray July 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

ba – ziiiiing.

sharethegrief July 29, 2012 at 12:50 pm

The dummy never closes his eyes. I think he's on to something.

Beowoof July 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Self preservation, the unmentioned part of the plan was to use the dummy to fire up the grill.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Or on something?

smashedinhat July 29, 2012 at 12:53 pm

At least he wasn't a mime. As well.

UW8316154 July 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

T

CivicHoliday July 29, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The only thing that could make this guy any creepier is if he had a side gig as a birthday clown.

UW8316154 July 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Birthday clown mime?

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I'm sure Breitbart.com already has a story up that Brown was registered as a Democrat.

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 12:57 pm

He's obviously a liberal plant, designed to make Christian cannibal puppeteers look bad.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Difficult though that might seem.

SheriffRoscoe July 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Oh they'll accuse him of being gay, which is the true source of his evil. Nevermind that his fantasy to literally eat baby flesh is a lot more akin to what they claim to do every week in their sicko church services.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:07 pm

That part of Christianity has always sickened me. Not because I think humans should avoiding eating each other, since we're gonna end up doing that anyway and real soon if we don't stop the breeding; but because I'm not about to make cannibalism the centerpiece of all that represents morality and advancement and spiritual balance and well-being to me. Geez.

SexySmurf July 29, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Police first became suspicious of Ronald William Brown when they learned he lived in Florida.

kittensdontlie July 29, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Indeed, and puppeteer is above crazy-freakin-arab on the FBI's watchlist.

Mumbletypeg July 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Not nearly as disheartening as learning some years ago Bernie Ward, radio personality with a flair for hamming up the Christ-Judaic mystique (among his mockups were 'sacraments' of irreverence i.e. regularly listeners called in such that on their behalf he'd sprinkle coffee and intone "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Donut I baptize you") had been found collecting and peddling child porn. But you choose your battles I guess over which rotten egg of a warped mind is gonna stink more when it's exposed. I tend to be more bitterly disappointed with the ones I thought were solid than those with sketchy setups to begin with.

valmach July 29, 2012 at 1:01 pm

There is really really something wrong with the south, Midwest and Christians. ..

SayItWithWookies July 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Well — at least he's the first Christian whose reasons for being anti-abortion make sense.

vasty_derp July 29, 2012 at 5:06 pm

How is babby formed?

Dashboard Buddha July 29, 2012 at 5:57 pm
MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Most excellent!

viennawoods13 July 29, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Yeah, well, he had that on his Facebook page. I shit you not.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I visited. Puts it in a whole different context, doesn't it?

Lynne July 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

And that's one scary looking puppet…maybe related to Chucky?

kittensdontlie July 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Yea, that Chucky Cheese is one scary mouse dude, only his pizza is even scarier.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Funny you should say that …

smokefilledroomba July 30, 2012 at 2:51 am

I think it's Chucky's doppelganger, 'Fucky'.

Swampgas_Man July 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Anybody else reminded of that Batman villain, the Ventriloquist w/ his dummy, crime-boss Scarface?
Brown may be a bad guy, but I wouldn't take my eyes off that dummy for a minute.

Callyson July 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Oh, for Christ's sake.

eggsacklywright July 29, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Forget it, Jake, it's Tampa.

jakegittes July 29, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Thanks. I needed that.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:22 am

This is Comment of the Week.

Nopantsmcgee July 29, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Jesus, the creepy is strong in that video.

calliecallie July 29, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Jesus! This will be an episode of Criminal Minds one day.

Blueb4sinrise July 29, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Paging K-Lo. Paging K-Lo.
Beelzebub on line 2.

Fukui-sanYesOta July 29, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yet another reason why all children should be armed.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Brown would prefer that they be disarmed. (I am now booing myself.)

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Whatever you do, decline if Brown offers to serve finger sandwiches.

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm

What can Brown stew for you?

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 1:47 pm

And, heavens, avoid the kiddie cocktails!

starfanglednut July 29, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I'm sorry, but this is funny how?

Fred_Wertham_Jr July 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Through the juxtaposition of incongruous elements, of course. Did you sleep through Humor 101?

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Element of repetition, too. The fact that there is more than one child cannibalism enthusiast.

lulzmonger July 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Wingnut Jesus:

"Take, eat, this is my next-door neighbours' kid."

Hera Sent Me July 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Amateurs. All experienced baby eaters know they have to be seasoned underground to achieve maximum savoriness.

They're like winter kimchee.

mavenmaven July 29, 2012 at 2:31 pm

이겼다!

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Oh man, that video ended just when it was getting good. Now I'll never know what a wishy-washy machine is.

user-of-towels July 29, 2012 at 1:36 pm

That was just an early prototype anyway. They perfected the wishey-washey machine with the MittBot 3000 model.

emmelemm July 29, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Good one.

potterchik July 29, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Jesus.

SheriffRoscoe July 29, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Gross. Disgusting. Miniature, baby *anything* as food turns my stomach. Don't get me started on veal. Cute, innocent, defenseless little baby veals.

doloras July 29, 2012 at 6:16 pm

What grossed me out about that one place in Vietnam where the local delicacy is cat was that by "cat" they meant "six-week-old kitten". For some reason, slaughtering and currying a grown-up cat didn't seem like an outrage.

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 9:14 pm

But baby carrots are so crunchy and delicious!

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:24 am

Baby carrots libel!

deanbooth July 29, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Hey, come on, I'm eating Arby's here.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Well then, you have a lot more to worry about than a few wonkcommentarians.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 7:15 am

Downtown Arby's?

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

Downton Arby's?

James Michael Curley July 30, 2012 at 10:26 am

"Downton Abbey is a British television series set on the fictional estate of Downton Abbey in the North Riding of Yorkshire, England"
Roast Beef on a fresh Kaiser Roll with Special Sauce and a serving of Curley Fries.

Isyaignert July 29, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Does that sick fuk have a child puppet that he pratices his hideous hobby on? That dood belongs in dirt cell six feet underground.

daemonfc July 29, 2012 at 1:35 pm

And I thought the Catholic Priests were bad…..

Beowoof July 29, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Unfortunately child molestation is rampant in various religions. This guy takes even that to the extreme.

iburl July 29, 2012 at 1:38 pm

If you guys were reading Wonkville you could have started being disgusted and haunted by this two days ago.

Mittens Howell, III July 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I was busy being disgusted and haunted by Mitt Romney two days ago.

I know this story is worse and that Romney would never eat a child, unless he thought it would help him with his base … uh oh.

iburl July 29, 2012 at 8:14 pm

"Uhm, yeah, I eat babies all the time, it was my idea to start eating babies."

StealthMuslin July 29, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I'll bet for every Jim Henson or Sherrie Lewis there's like ten of these guys.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Nah, it's more like one-to-one, really. These kinds of stories start making you think/feel every human being out there is a threat to your kids, and that ends up wounding you and them without fixing the problem. In fact, these extreme sickos are very few. And don't feel bad that they freak you out, either. I spent at least a decade with my gut in a knot about certain short humans.

SheriffRoscoe July 29, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It must be awful for religious parents of small children. Church is a minefield. Who needs that.

smokefilledroomba July 29, 2012 at 7:01 pm

And man-boy love is a battlefield.

MilwaukeeKent July 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Call John Wayne Gacey what you will — clown, child killer, pillar of the community — at least he never stooped to cannibalism…

…Okay, I'm done vomiting for now. Seriously, you'd think the people around him, professionally, socially, religiously, would get a hint over the years. Obviously, the sheltered are easy to fool.

Butch_Wagstaff July 29, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I saw this guy in the TBN years ago. He creeped me out and I'm never wrong about those kind of feelings.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Religion teaches people to turn over control of their lives and their bodies, and their children's bodies, to an outside authority. Once you're willing to accept subservience to the will of another, what limits can you set on that subservience? Are there any? I'm not saying the parents had any idea he was planning to roast the fruit of their loins. Obviously, they didn't. But you have to wonder, in light of all the foofaraw about "stranger danger" (far less likely than incestuous/familial assault) that people allowed their children to go riding in a van with a man who had NO adult friends, with no other adult supervision.

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 9:17 pm

a man who had NO adult friends

we're getting into dangerous territory here …

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I thought you were MY friend, HistoriCat. (wipes tear)

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Well, it's not like we've ever gone for pedicures together, amirite?

fartknocker July 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Is this another fine product of a home school education?

You got to work really hard to develop this level of lust for another person's death. Conversely, if he had access to mental health care, maybe he could have been treated for the disease he's suffering.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Reagan cut funding for mental health services, and this is the result. In a country that cared about its people, this guy would have been on medication long before he got around to chatting about a crime.

Guppy July 29, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Designer_Rants July 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I thought all Christians ate children? Or is that Chik-fil-A?

CleverSobriquet July 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Nah bro, that them jews. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_libel

MosesInvests July 30, 2012 at 3:07 am

Interestingly, the blood libel was originally leveled by the pagan Romans against Christians-they turned it on us in the Middle Ages.

viennawoods13 July 29, 2012 at 2:07 pm

"However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”

Because what is wrong with having a fantasy like that??

What the fuck.

redarmyzombie July 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

You know, this reminds me of Ghost World (the comic, not the movie) with the pedophile priest indulging himself with digital child pornography, all the while maintaining that it was just a fantasy and he would *NEVER* hurt a child!

Butch_Wagstaff July 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

But he doesn't have a criminal record, 'member?

Like that makes what sort of fuckin' difference?
People like him NEVER think they could hurt children. It's because their minds are ill. Hell, he'd probably think that a kid would enjoy being tortured.

I will be more snarky in today's newer post, I promise.

Guppy July 29, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Well, it wasn't Arizona!

vasty_derp July 29, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yet.

GunToting[Redacted] July 29, 2012 at 5:59 pm

If he lived in Arizona he'd be searching for recipes for jerky.

smokefilledroomba July 29, 2012 at 8:10 pm

For once.

miss_grundy July 29, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Don't blame Jesus for crazy people who attend some "Christian" church that wouldn't know Jesus if it hit them. Only sickos would dream of killing and eating a child. And that's the problem with the so-called "Christians" who attend extremist churches in this country. Which is why I so happily attend an Episcopalian church because the parishoners are normal people and not wackos.

Swampgas_Man July 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

As far as you know.

Dashboard Buddha July 29, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Seriously…I went to a "normal" Lutheran church and the pastor had extramarital sex with about 20 women. Normal is not a vaccination against sexual predation.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:31 am

This.

BTW, as with almost all these cases, people bring up religion because of the hypocrisy. Religion would be far better off if it was more humble, if it didn't claim to have all or the only answers.

johnnyzhivago July 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I thought these guys had their cannibalism problem relatively under control these days.

Angry_Marmot July 30, 2012 at 12:35 am

You're thinking of the British Navy.

Antispandex July 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Wait, wait, wait…I thought only Jews ate christian kids. There was supposed to be some Elders of Zion book that proved it conclusively. Huh, now that I think of it though, Elders of Zion could mean Mormons, which would mean…

Blueb4sinrise July 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I had ALMOST commented that that was why Mittens didn't want the press at the Israel fundraiser. Good thing I didn't .

Mahousu July 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

child cannibalism enthusiast

Least. Necessary. Euphemism. Ever.

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Do you think Colbert will cover this in one of his "Thought for Food" segments?

imissopus July 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm

And goooooood morning to you too, Becka.

Pragmatist2 July 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm

A good day for the small children of Florida, perhaps, but THe Worst Day Ever for Ronald William Brown.

StarsUponThars July 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm

There's nothing in the bible against cannibalism, right? At least he wasn't gay married.

deanbooth July 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Look, it you let people marinate children, the next thing you know, they'll be marinating dogs.

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

It's supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam's Braised Shoulder with demiglace.

Guppy July 29, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Actually, it's less kosher than pork; not enough legs, and no hooves.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Oy! This is not a real issue! Religious Jews will not be lining up to order!

docterry6973 July 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

That dummy looks creepy. The puppet too.

BarackMyWorld July 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

But think about all the Christians given charge of children who AREN'T trying to do terrible things to them…

Fukui-sanYesOta July 29, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Some might argue that a lot of these evangelical folk are doing terrible things to the kidz by preaching to them, or sending them to bible camp or whatev.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:35 am

I think he was snarking, my friend.

Lazy Media July 29, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I'm pretty sure the puppet is the one behind all this. The ventriloquist is the innocent victim.

doloras July 29, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Yeah, I saw that episode of Buffy as well.

rickmaci July 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Not that I am one to engage in profiling but what's up with the sociopath weirdos and their three name ID's? Fer cysssakes, even Hitler only had two.

Mittens Howell, III July 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I thought friday was fish day.

Mittens Howell, III July 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Children as food. McCannibal's dollar menu?

UW8316154 July 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Ventriloquists, puppets, marionettes, mimes, clowns, jesters – all freak me the fuck out.

Furries not so much.

emmelemm July 30, 2012 at 4:45 am

I agree with you 100%.

MinAgain July 29, 2012 at 3:30 pm

All the nuts roll down to Florida.

Misty Malarky July 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Dipped in delicious Chick-Fil-A Polynesian sauce, no doubt.

Maman July 29, 2012 at 3:53 pm

WWJE Who Would Jesus Eat

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 9:12 pm

INRI: Infused Newborn Ragu Italiano

Dashboard Buddha July 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Nae! he cooldnae be a christian. if he was, he wooldnae chase efter wee bairns. nae true christian woods dae sic' a hin'.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Wait, now *what's* that called again? Something about a Scotsman … dee de dee de dee …

Dashboard Buddha July 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Hmmmm, a dude who enjoys putting his hand up the ass of a child-sized object and working with Children in a Christian environment. What could go wrong?

tallmutha July 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Who are the 10 readers who found that Tampa Bay Times story "inspiring"???

iburl July 29, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Bath Salts is a hell of a drug

SolitaireRose July 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

How long until he has a political talk show on Clear Channel? Or Fox News?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Hey, his website is still up and there is a cartoon about creepy ventriloquists!
http://www.facebook.com/ronald.w.brown.39

Geminisunmars July 29, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Maybe he has reached that point. Whadya think?

valthemus July 29, 2012 at 5:03 pm

New drinking game: Watch Jesus Christ TV or TBN and take a shot every time you spot someone from the sex crimes registry! Fun at parties!

I'm still allowed to lust after Gospel Bill, right? I'd hate to think he was a pedophiliac cannibal wannabe too.

Rotundo_ July 29, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I wonder if his ventriloquism career will work out in prison? The ability to recite poetry while giving a deep throat beej might keep him alive for a while longer in the ironbar hotel. Locking this one up will be a good thing, and I am thinking that a normal Florida jury will put him up for a lengthy stay. If the dude can sing "God Bless America" and be understood while being spitroasted by his cellmates, they could be watching a legend of ventriloquism.

HistoriCat July 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You think he'll last as long inside as Jeffrey Dahmer?

SheriffRoscoe July 29, 2012 at 6:28 pm

How To Cook For Children

doloras July 30, 2012 at 12:32 am

How To Cook Forty Children

smokefilledroomba July 30, 2012 at 2:27 am

And if you act now, you'll receive How To Cook Forty Children plus Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans at no extra charge. If you are not completely satisfied with How To Cook Forty Children, simply send it back for a full refund and keep Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans as our gift to you.

CapnFatowls August 1, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Okay, I'll do it:

"There's still some more puppeteer dust on this book."

*PFFFFFFFWEEEEH*

How To Cook For Forty Children

dandalion July 29, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Just looking at the still of the video I don't want to watch the video…

Barrelhse July 29, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Poor bastard thinks he's a lion.

chascates July 29, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Whosoever eats my flesh, and drinks my blood, has eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.
John 6:54

smokefilledroomba July 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Smuppets? You know he wanted to make and use 'Snuffets', but that would be too brazen.

a_pink_poodle July 29, 2012 at 7:13 pm

I bet the Trinity Broadcasting Network is embarrassed!

M. Bouffant July 29, 2012 at 7:58 pm

They are far beyond embarrassment. Or shame.

Butch_Wagstaff July 29, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Shit, they'll probably start a fundraising and pray-away-the-cannibalism-telethon for him. Just remember to send in those "love gifts", "faith gifts", or whatever the hell they're calling them now.

ttommyunger July 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

…and some still wonder why I prefer the company of dogs.

jakegittes July 29, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Yeah. But all this wisdom is coming from a guy who's got his hand up a puppet's ass. That's not much of a role model.

Guppy July 29, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I want my baby back baby back baby back…

doloras July 30, 2012 at 12:31 am

Mmm, baby back ribs.

smokefilledroomba July 30, 2012 at 2:43 am

♫♪ Children's Baby Back Ribs.. (Barbecue Sauce) ♪♫

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Somebody needs to Christianize this savage.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I'd settle for savaging that Christian, but YMMV.

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:15 am

another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast

Ummm….WTF? First, "another" and then "child cannibalism enthusiast."? Wha?!

smokefilledroomba July 30, 2012 at 2:37 am

I can only imagine their screen names:

sauteedbabytoes24837: Hey, wanna eat some kids today?

i_eat_children4958: Sure.

AddHomonym July 30, 2012 at 12:37 am

There is no cannibalism in the Royal Navy. And when I say none, I mean of course, there is a certain amount…

Negropolis July 30, 2012 at 12:39 am

My god! The Bible…it's…it's…a….cookbook!

I'd not at all be surprised to see how we're supposed to prepare children somewhere in Leviticus.

miked420 July 30, 2012 at 12:53 am

who saw this one coming??

Gorillionaire July 30, 2012 at 10:56 am

Man, beating off to regular straight porn just seems downright quaint these days.

bolognawallet July 30, 2012 at 11:21 am

I prefer Boehner-esque jerky myself

nirrti_rachelle July 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm

The kiddie meal is actually a kiddie meal…

Doktor Zoom July 29, 2012 at 6:39 pm

To the tune of "Sunrise, Sunset":

"Is this the little boy I curried…?"

not that Dewey July 29, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Brown's Fried Children — "It tastes better!"

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I just heard of another book … nah, you don't wanna know.

not that Dewey July 30, 2012 at 10:26 am

Isn't it wonderful? Pristine and I can finally have our cannibalism fantasy adventure without interrupting the flow of the comment thread.

MittBorg July 29, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Oh, hell to the no, I've never had a pedicure and as god is my witness I'll go to my grave with the same fuckin' toes he gave me. Or something.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Just FYI, I'm about to get my hands on a book that dicusses the legal justifications, such as they might be, for cannibalism. Dee de dee doo da doo da.

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