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Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating. Hooray!

Bring it, Tampa Bay Times:

Brown was arrested on charges of conspiring to kidnap a child and possession of child pornography and booked into the Pinellas County Jail. U.S. Department of Homeland Security agents who searched his home found lewd images of children bound and gagged, a flier for a missing child and “images of children that appear to be deceased.”

According to the affidavit supporting the criminal complaint, Brown told agents that he and Kansas resident Michael Arnett, another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast, “did discuss killing, dismembering and eating” a specific boy at Gulf Coast Church. However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”

[…]

Using online monikers that investigators traced to their computers, Brown and Arnett discussed killing — what they called “snuffing” — children as young as 2. Arnett described what different human body parts tasted like, roasted or cooked in a skillet, according to the complaint.

In one chat cited in the complaint, Arnett described drowning a little girl, and in another, he and Brown excitedly talked about a photo, shared by Arnett, of a 3-year-old girl being strangled.

“That’s how I would enjoy doing” the unidentified boy from Gulf Coast Church, Brown said.

Lock up your children, everybody. There are Christians around.

[TampaBayTimes]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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Comments

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  • Steverino247

    Some people take both the Bible and Jonathan Swift too literally.

  • Troubledog

    Deity worshipers seem to have a lot of dietary restrictions.

    • vasty_derp

      Or not enough of them.

  • memzilla

    I know, I know… "tastes like chicken."

    • Slim_Pickins

      the Polynesians called it long pig not chicken.

      • Gurkman

        When first presented with pork by Cortés, Montezuma said "it tastes just like human!"

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    Child-Fil-A?

    • RadioBowels

      Yeah, but he wouldn't kill a child on Sunday.

    • user-of-towels

      Remember, the Santorum kids love that sauce on everything!

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

        EAT MOR CHILDRIN

    • mayor_quimby

      You, sir, are the winner!

    • Steverino247

      Comment of the week? That's HEDLEY'S!

    • ThankYouJeebus

      As long as there's nothing queer about it.

    • Negropolis

      I don't know, seems like "Chick-Fil-A" would be just as approriate in this situation, too.

  • Steverino247

    A new song for the prison hymnal: "What a Fiend We Have in Jesus."

    • GemlikeFlame

      Lord, bless and keep your followers….

      …far away from me.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Fuck this. I'm going back to bed.

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      Seriously. Holy fucking shit.

      It's not often I get a chance to quote Jayne Cobb, but "eating people alive? Where does that get fun?"

      • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

        Actually, I just watched the video of that guy and his creepy doll talking about dirty pictures, and now I realize the real question here is how nobody ever figured out that he wanted to kill and eat children.

        "I have a doll and I try to fool kids into thinking it is talking by hiding the fact that I am the one talking. I have made a career out of this. It is my passion. Can I have access to your children now, please?"

  • Woodshedding

    Mind-numbing.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Would that it were soul-numbing.

  • One_Man_Band

    Straight from the Karl Rove playbook: Accuse Your Opponent of What He/She is Going to Accuse You Of.
    http://whyevolutionistrue.files.wordpress.com/201

    • Isyaignert

      BINGO!!!!

  • OkieDokieDog

    Either teh gays or Obama is to blame. Probably both.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ahem. Muzlinz!

    • kittensdontlie

      Don't forget your run-of-the-mill liberal fornicators….they and their sexin' are the worst.

  • RadioBowels

    At least he wasn't eating fetus.

    • kittensdontlie

      Hey, don't we have a god-given right to cannilbalism in this country, or has Nobama taken that away too…

  • not that Dewey

    Sautee the little children, with onion and brie, for such is the kingdom of Heaven.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Horrible combination. Garlic would be better. Unless you caramelized the onion and added a little, I dunno, something crunchy like toasted nuts, maybe? Cholesterol city?

      • not that Dewey

        Well, duh. Of course you'd carmelize the onion first.

        I know the pangs of guilt I get every time I go to wolf down some sauteed child with carmelized onions, and I ask myself "is there too much cholesterol in these pine nuts?"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Child meat might be high in cholesterol too. (wistfully)

          • HistoriCat

            Given that it's on-topic this time, I'll give you a pass on the cannibalism. This time.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I just heard of another book … nah, you don't wanna know.

          • not that Dewey

            Isn't it wonderful? Pristine and I can finally have our cannibalism fantasy adventure without interrupting the flow of the comment thread.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Just FYI, I'm about to get my hands on a book that dicusses the legal justifications, such as they might be, for cannibalism. Dee de dee doo da doo da.

  • mavenmaven

    I have not seen a horror movie scarier than what that freak is saying in that video, particularly given that we now know what kind of "pictures" entertain this monster.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I've always maintained that horror movies are a way to take our minds off the truly scary shit out there. And he's far from the first, or has everyone forgotten Albert Fish?

      • emmelemm

        That's why *I* like horror movies. It's hard to explain to people sometimes, but honestly, it distracts me from how horrible the world REALLY is.

        • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

          Stephen King nailed it 30 years ago

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Me too. Friday the 13th? Hmph. The guy next door beating his little daughter within an inch of her life? Now that's scary.

  • johnmburt

    They seem to be conflating two texts: "What you do to the least of these your brothers, you do to me" and "Eat, this is my body". Hardly the first time the splendid words of Christ have been let down by self-proclaimed Christians….

    • anniegetyerfun

      As Rick Perry might say, "Oops."

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Food for thought.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        ^^ COTD.

    • Isyaignert

      I like your Christ, but not your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. — M. Gandhi

  • PubOption

    He looks to be a lousy ventriloquist. I can clearly see his jaw moving in the video, and I think he turns sideways because his lips are moving as well. Also his voice and the dummy's are identical.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yes, that's it exactly! He is completely inadequate in the ventriloquary arts.

      I knew there was something I didn't like about the guy.

    • Beowoof

      Well it does beg the question, which one is the dummy?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        I think I've seen a couple of versions of that movie, one of them on MST3K.

    • savethispatient

      The bar for ventriloquism apparently used to be a lot lower – when my Dad was growing up, the BBC had a ventriloquist act on the radio.

      • Geminisunmars

        Charlie MacCarthy (Candace Bergen's brother) was also a radio dummy.

  • bflrtsplk

    He was going to use the dead children for puppets in a religious morality play.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Or a reboot of the feeding of the five thousand.

  • Goonemeritus

    This might have a negative impact on his birthday party bookings.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That depends. Is he in Florida?

      Jesus fucking Christ, it IS Florida. I didn't even read the goddamn thing.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        When I read a headline about some craziness I say to myself "Must be Florida". I'm right about 5 or 6 times out of 10.

        • viennawoods13

          And originally from Alabama. What were the odds?

    • CthuNHu

      Any day that you wind up defending yourself by mentioning that you fantasize about murdering and dining upon your target audience's demographic is pretty much bound to be a loss in the old PR column, I always say.

  • Woodshedding

    Oh! I just saw the video. Despite the channel ID being grayed-out, you can see it's that hideous religious cable channel – what's that called! Haw! the big-haired lady host on that channel was always as sickening as this guy. Well, almost.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Children are horrible. I know from personal experience.

    • kittensdontlie

      Of course they are horrible. Look at what nutritionless food they eat. With a varied whole grain and natural food diet, their livers will be regain their true lovliness, and with some fava beans and a nice chianti….now there's a meal–H. Lector

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Actually, children, being young and tender, should be eaten as close to raw as possible. Perhaps a tartare of the fillets? And a quick broil of the fattier parts. Or a saute, with fresh herbs, white wine, and pepper.

        Now you've made me hungry.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, you have to let the meat mature/age a bit more before it's really good.

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        Grass-fed free-range organic children are spendy, but well worth it

  • MonkeyMotion

    Clearly the fault of a god-hating, prayer-hating, freedom-hating, secular society.

    Please pass the ketchup.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Looks like Rmoney will have to take Brown off his short list for Education Secretary. So hard to find true puppets for the Cabinet.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "…child cannibalism enthusiast." Wow, FB has a group for everyone!

  • mavenmaven

    OT: Here's a picture of Romney re-baptizing the now ancient Mormon Temple of Jerusalem. http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/29/rom

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      You're finally home, Mitt, after your people's long journey. Now consider staying there.

      • Geminisunmars

        You can't hate Israel that much, can you?

        • redarmyzombie

          Not even they deserve that, Gemini. Much as I dislike them, not even they deserve that!

    • viennawoods13

      AND he has declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        A stroke of diplomatic genius. Or perhaps I meant "stroke-inducing undiplomatic genius."

  • user-of-towels

    Am I wrong to find that he is a puppeteer to be the creepiest thing about this whole story?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Eating children…meh, but puppet's eyes never close –creeeepy!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Myself, I'm finding 'creepy' to be only thing emanating from this story.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, it's definitely hitting all my "creepdar" alarms.

    • HistoriCat

      He's just doing for puppetry what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns – provide the solid proof of creepiness we always suspected.

  • bumfug

    The Devil made him do it.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Leave Dick Cheney out of this. He's busy telling Sarah Palin what a miserable loser bitch she is.

      (He hates Sarah Palin AND he's in favor of same-sex marriage? I could learn to like this man if he weren't a walking hellpit of Stygian evil.)

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      It was speaking to him through the puppet.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Our interest in this guy is strictly (and very highly) professional.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dude, you can't go straight to being Pope, you have to become a Cardinal first.

    • anniegetyerfun

      A thousand up-thumbs for you!

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Or a coach at Penn State.

    • freddymcmurray

      ba – ziiiiing.

  • sharethegrief

    The dummy never closes his eyes. I think he's on to something.

    • Beowoof

      Self preservation, the unmentioned part of the plan was to use the dummy to fire up the grill.

    • Geminisunmars

      Or on something?

  • smashedinhat

    At least he wasn't a mime. As well.

    • UW8316154

      T

  • CivicHoliday

    The only thing that could make this guy any creepier is if he had a side gig as a birthday clown.

    • UW8316154

      Birthday clown mime?

  • user-of-towels

    I'm sure Breitbart.com already has a story up that Brown was registered as a Democrat.

    • not that Dewey

      He's obviously a liberal plant, designed to make Christian cannibal puppeteers look bad.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Difficult though that might seem.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Oh they'll accuse him of being gay, which is the true source of his evil. Nevermind that his fantasy to literally eat baby flesh is a lot more akin to what they claim to do every week in their sicko church services.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        That part of Christianity has always sickened me. Not because I think humans should avoiding eating each other, since we're gonna end up doing that anyway and real soon if we don't stop the breeding; but because I'm not about to make cannibalism the centerpiece of all that represents morality and advancement and spiritual balance and well-being to me. Geez.

  • SexySmurf

    Police first became suspicious of Ronald William Brown when they learned he lived in Florida.

    • kittensdontlie

      Indeed, and puppeteer is above crazy-freakin-arab on the FBI's watchlist.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Not nearly as disheartening as learning some years ago Bernie Ward, radio personality with a flair for hamming up the Christ-Judaic mystique (among his mockups were 'sacraments' of irreverence i.e. regularly listeners called in such that on their behalf he'd sprinkle coffee and intone "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Donut I baptize you") had been found collecting and peddling child porn. But you choose your battles I guess over which rotten egg of a warped mind is gonna stink more when it's exposed. I tend to be more bitterly disappointed with the ones I thought were solid than those with sketchy setups to begin with.

  • valmach

    There is really really something wrong with the south, Midwest and Christians. ..

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Well — at least he's the first Christian whose reasons for being anti-abortion make sense.

    • vasty_derp

      How is babby formed?

    • Dashboard Buddha
      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Most excellent!

        • viennawoods13

          Yeah, well, he had that on his Facebook page. I shit you not.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I visited. Puts it in a whole different context, doesn't it?

  • Lynne

    And that's one scary looking puppet…maybe related to Chucky?

    • kittensdontlie

      Yea, that Chucky Cheese is one scary mouse dude, only his pizza is even scarier.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Funny you should say that …

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      I think it's Chucky's doppelganger, 'Fucky'.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Anybody else reminded of that Batman villain, the Ventriloquist w/ his dummy, crime-boss Scarface?
    Brown may be a bad guy, but I wouldn't take my eyes off that dummy for a minute.

  • Callyson

    Oh, for Christ's sake.

  • eggsacklywright

    Forget it, Jake, it's Tampa.

    • jakegittes

      Thanks. I needed that.

    • Negropolis

      This is Comment of the Week.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Jesus, the creepy is strong in that video.

  • calliecallie

    Jesus! This will be an episode of Criminal Minds one day.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Paging K-Lo. Paging K-Lo.
    Beelzebub on line 2.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Yet another reason why all children should be armed.

    • Geminisunmars

      Brown would prefer that they be disarmed. (I am now booing myself.)

      • user-of-towels

        Whatever you do, decline if Brown offers to serve finger sandwiches.

        • not that Dewey

          What can Brown stew for you?

          • user-of-towels

            And, heavens, avoid the kiddie cocktails!

          • nirrti_rachelle

            The kiddie meal is actually a kiddie meal…

          • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

            To the tune of "Sunrise, Sunset":

            "Is this the little boy I curried…?"

          • not that Dewey

            Brown's Fried Children — "It tastes better!"

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    I'm sorry, but this is funny how?

    • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

      Through the juxtaposition of incongruous elements, of course. Did you sleep through Humor 101?

      • not that Dewey

        Element of repetition, too. The fact that there is more than one child cannibalism enthusiast.

  • lulzmonger

    Wingnut Jesus:

    "Take, eat, this is my next-door neighbours' kid."

  • Hera Sent Me

    Amateurs. All experienced baby eaters know they have to be seasoned underground to achieve maximum savoriness.

    They're like winter kimchee.

    • mavenmaven

      이겼다!

  • Geminisunmars

    Oh man, that video ended just when it was getting good. Now I'll never know what a wishy-washy machine is.

    • user-of-towels

      That was just an early prototype anyway. They perfected the wishey-washey machine with the MittBot 3000 model.

      • emmelemm

        Good one.

  • potterchik

    Jesus.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Gross. Disgusting. Miniature, baby *anything* as food turns my stomach. Don't get me started on veal. Cute, innocent, defenseless little baby veals.

    • doloras

      What grossed me out about that one place in Vietnam where the local delicacy is cat was that by "cat" they meant "six-week-old kitten". For some reason, slaughtering and currying a grown-up cat didn't seem like an outrage.

    • HistoriCat

      But baby carrots are so crunchy and delicious!

    • Negropolis

      Baby carrots libel!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Hey, come on, I'm eating Arby's here.

  • Isyaignert

    Does that sick fuk have a child puppet that he pratices his hideous hobby on? That dood belongs in dirt cell six feet underground.

  • daemonfc

    And I thought the Catholic Priests were bad…..

    • Beowoof

      Unfortunately child molestation is rampant in various religions. This guy takes even that to the extreme.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    If you guys were reading Wonkville you could have started being disgusted and haunted by this two days ago.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      I was busy being disgusted and haunted by Mitt Romney two days ago.

      I know this story is worse and that Romney would never eat a child, unless he thought it would help him with his base … uh oh.

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        "Uhm, yeah, I eat babies all the time, it was my idea to start eating babies."

  • StealthMuslin

    I'll bet for every Jim Henson or Sherrie Lewis there's like ten of these guys.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Nah, it's more like one-to-one, really. These kinds of stories start making you think/feel every human being out there is a threat to your kids, and that ends up wounding you and them without fixing the problem. In fact, these extreme sickos are very few. And don't feel bad that they freak you out, either. I spent at least a decade with my gut in a knot about certain short humans.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    It must be awful for religious parents of small children. Church is a minefield. Who needs that.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      And man-boy love is a battlefield.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    Call John Wayne Gacey what you will — clown, child killer, pillar of the community — at least he never stooped to cannibalism…

    …Okay, I'm done vomiting for now. Seriously, you'd think the people around him, professionally, socially, religiously, would get a hint over the years. Obviously, the sheltered are easy to fool.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I saw this guy in the TBN years ago. He creeped me out and I'm never wrong about those kind of feelings.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Religion teaches people to turn over control of their lives and their bodies, and their children's bodies, to an outside authority. Once you're willing to accept subservience to the will of another, what limits can you set on that subservience? Are there any? I'm not saying the parents had any idea he was planning to roast the fruit of their loins. Obviously, they didn't. But you have to wonder, in light of all the foofaraw about "stranger danger" (far less likely than incestuous/familial assault) that people allowed their children to go riding in a van with a man who had NO adult friends, with no other adult supervision.

      • HistoriCat

        a man who had NO adult friends

        we're getting into dangerous territory here …

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I thought you were MY friend, HistoriCat. (wipes tear)

          • HistoriCat

            Well, it's not like we've ever gone for pedicures together, amirite?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, hell to the no, I've never had a pedicure and as god is my witness I'll go to my grave with the same fuckin' toes he gave me. Or something.

  • fartknocker

    Is this another fine product of a home school education?

    You got to work really hard to develop this level of lust for another person's death. Conversely, if he had access to mental health care, maybe he could have been treated for the disease he's suffering.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Reagan cut funding for mental health services, and this is the result. In a country that cared about its people, this guy would have been on medication long before he got around to chatting about a crime.

  • Guppy
  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    I thought all Christians ate children? Or is that Chik-fil-A?

    • CleverSobriquet
      • MosesInvests

        Interestingly, the blood libel was originally leveled by the pagan Romans against Christians-they turned it on us in the Middle Ages.

  • viennawoods13

    "However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”

    Because what is wrong with having a fantasy like that??

    What the fuck.

    • redarmyzombie

      You know, this reminds me of Ghost World (the comic, not the movie) with the pedophile priest indulging himself with digital child pornography, all the while maintaining that it was just a fantasy and he would *NEVER* hurt a child!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      But he doesn't have a criminal record, 'member?

      Like that makes what sort of fuckin' difference?
      People like him NEVER think they could hurt children. It's because their minds are ill. Hell, he'd probably think that a kid would enjoy being tortured.

      I will be more snarky in today's newer post, I promise.

  • Guppy

    Well, it wasn't Arizona!

    • vasty_derp

      Yet.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      If he lived in Arizona he'd be searching for recipes for jerky.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      For once.

  • miss_grundy

    Don't blame Jesus for crazy people who attend some "Christian" church that wouldn't know Jesus if it hit them. Only sickos would dream of killing and eating a child. And that's the problem with the so-called "Christians" who attend extremist churches in this country. Which is why I so happily attend an Episcopalian church because the parishoners are normal people and not wackos.

    • Swampgas_Man

      As far as you know.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Seriously…I went to a "normal" Lutheran church and the pastor had extramarital sex with about 20 women. Normal is not a vaccination against sexual predation.

        • Negropolis

          This.

          BTW, as with almost all these cases, people bring up religion because of the hypocrisy. Religion would be far better off if it was more humble, if it didn't claim to have all or the only answers.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I thought these guys had their cannibalism problem relatively under control these days.

    • Angry_Marmot

      You're thinking of the British Navy.

  • Antispandex

    Wait, wait, wait…I thought only Jews ate christian kids. There was supposed to be some Elders of Zion book that proved it conclusively. Huh, now that I think of it though, Elders of Zion could mean Mormons, which would mean…

    • Blueb4sinrise

      I had ALMOST commented that that was why Mittens didn't want the press at the Israel fundraiser. Good thing I didn't .

  • Mahousu

    child cannibalism enthusiast

    Least. Necessary. Euphemism. Ever.

  • Geminisunmars

    Do you think Colbert will cover this in one of his "Thought for Food" segments?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    And goooooood morning to you too, Becka.

  • Pragmatist2

    A good day for the small children of Florida, perhaps, but THe Worst Day Ever for Ronald William Brown.

  • StarsUponThars

    There's nothing in the bible against cannibalism, right? At least he wasn't gay married.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Look, it you let people marinate children, the next thing you know, they'll be marinating dogs.

    • not that Dewey

      It's supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam's Braised Shoulder with demiglace.

    • Guppy

      Actually, it's less kosher than pork; not enough legs, and no hooves.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oy! This is not a real issue! Religious Jews will not be lining up to order!

  • docterry6973

    That dummy looks creepy. The puppet too.

  • BarackMyWorld

    But think about all the Christians given charge of children who AREN'T trying to do terrible things to them…

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Some might argue that a lot of these evangelical folk are doing terrible things to the kidz by preaching to them, or sending them to bible camp or whatev.

      • Negropolis

        I think he was snarking, my friend.

  • Lazy Media

    I'm pretty sure the puppet is the one behind all this. The ventriloquist is the innocent victim.

    • doloras

      Yeah, I saw that episode of Buffy as well.

  • rickmaci

    Not that I am one to engage in profiling but what's up with the sociopath weirdos and their three name ID's? Fer cysssakes, even Hitler only had two.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I thought friday was fish day.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Children as food. McCannibal's dollar menu?

  • UW8316154

    Ventriloquists, puppets, marionettes, mimes, clowns, jesters – all freak me the fuck out.

    Furries not so much.

    • emmelemm

      I agree with you 100%.

  • MinAgain

    All the nuts roll down to Florida.

  • Misty Malarky

    Dipped in delicious Chick-Fil-A Polynesian sauce, no doubt.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    WWJE Who Would Jesus Eat

    • not that Dewey

      INRI: Infused Newborn Ragu Italiano

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Nae! he cooldnae be a christian. if he was, he wooldnae chase efter wee bairns. nae true christian woods dae sic' a hin'.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Wait, now *what's* that called again? Something about a Scotsman … dee de dee de dee …

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Hmmmm, a dude who enjoys putting his hand up the ass of a child-sized object and working with Children in a Christian environment. What could go wrong?

  • tallmutha

    Who are the 10 readers who found that Tampa Bay Times story "inspiring"???

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Bath Salts is a hell of a drug

  • SolitaireRose

    How long until he has a political talk show on Clear Channel? Or Fox News?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey, his website is still up and there is a cartoon about creepy ventriloquists!
    http://www.facebook.com/ronald.w.brown.39

    • Geminisunmars

      Maybe he has reached that point. Whadya think?

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    New drinking game: Watch Jesus Christ TV or TBN and take a shot every time you spot someone from the sex crimes registry! Fun at parties!

    I'm still allowed to lust after Gospel Bill, right? I'd hate to think he was a pedophiliac cannibal wannabe too.

  • Rotundo_

    I wonder if his ventriloquism career will work out in prison? The ability to recite poetry while giving a deep throat beej might keep him alive for a while longer in the ironbar hotel. Locking this one up will be a good thing, and I am thinking that a normal Florida jury will put him up for a lengthy stay. If the dude can sing "God Bless America" and be understood while being spitroasted by his cellmates, they could be watching a legend of ventriloquism.

    • HistoriCat

      You think he'll last as long inside as Jeffrey Dahmer?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    How To Cook For Children

    • doloras

      How To Cook Forty Children

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

        And if you act now, you'll receive How To Cook Forty Children plus Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans at no extra charge. If you are not completely satisfied with How To Cook Forty Children, simply send it back for a full refund and keep Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans as our gift to you.

      • CapnFatowls

        Okay, I'll do it:

        "There's still some more puppeteer dust on this book."

        *PFFFFFFFWEEEEH*

        How To Cook For Forty Children

  • http://dandalionsworld.blogspot.com/ dandalion

    Just looking at the still of the video I don't want to watch the video…

  • Barrelhse

    Poor bastard thinks he's a lion.

  • chascates

    Whosoever eats my flesh, and drinks my blood, has eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.
    John 6:54

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

    Smuppets? You know he wanted to make and use 'Snuffets', but that would be too brazen.

  • a_pink_poodle

    I bet the Trinity Broadcasting Network is embarrassed!

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      They are far beyond embarrassment. Or shame.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Shit, they'll probably start a fundraising and pray-away-the-cannibalism-telethon for him. Just remember to send in those "love gifts", "faith gifts", or whatever the hell they're calling them now.

  • ttommyunger

    …and some still wonder why I prefer the company of dogs.

  • jakegittes

    Yeah. But all this wisdom is coming from a guy who's got his hand up a puppet's ass. That's not much of a role model.

  • Guppy

    I want my baby back baby back baby back…

    • doloras

      Mmm, baby back ribs.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      ♫♪ Children's Baby Back Ribs.. (Barbecue Sauce) ♪♫

  • not that Dewey

    Somebody needs to Christianize this savage.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'd settle for savaging that Christian, but YMMV.

  • Negropolis

    another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast

    Ummm….WTF? First, "another" and then "child cannibalism enthusiast."? Wha?!

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      I can only imagine their screen names:

      sauteedbabytoes24837: Hey, wanna eat some kids today?

      i_eat_children4958: Sure.

  • AddHomonym

    There is no cannibalism in the Royal Navy. And when I say none, I mean of course, there is a certain amount…

  • Negropolis

    My god! The Bible…it's…it's…a….cookbook!

    I'd not at all be surprised to see how we're supposed to prepare children somewhere in Leviticus.

  • miked420

    who saw this one coming??

  • Gorillionaire

    Man, beating off to regular straight porn just seems downright quaint these days.

  • bolognawallet

    I prefer Boehner-esque jerky myself