Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating. Hooray!

Bring it, Tampa Bay Times:

Brown was arrested on charges of conspiring to kidnap a child and possession of child pornography and booked into the Pinellas County Jail. U.S. Department of Homeland Security agents who searched his home found lewd images of children bound and gagged, a flier for a missing child and “images of children that appear to be deceased.”

According to the affidavit supporting the criminal complaint, Brown told agents that he and Kansas resident Michael Arnett, another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast, “did discuss killing, dismembering and eating” a specific boy at Gulf Coast Church. However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”


Using online monikers that investigators traced to their computers, Brown and Arnett discussed killing — what they called “snuffing” — children as young as 2. Arnett described what different human body parts tasted like, roasted or cooked in a skillet, according to the complaint.

In one chat cited in the complaint, Arnett described drowning a little girl, and in another, he and Brown excitedly talked about a photo, shared by Arnett, of a 3-year-old girl being strangled.

“That’s how I would enjoy doing” the unidentified boy from Gulf Coast Church, Brown said.

Lock up your children, everybody. There are Christians around.


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      1. Gurkman

        When first presented with pork by Cortés, Montezuma said "it tastes just like human!"

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know, seems like "Chick-Fil-A" would be just as approriate in this situation, too.

      1. MaxUdargo

        Actually, I just watched the video of that guy and his creepy doll talking about dirty pictures, and now I realize the real question here is how nobody ever figured out that he wanted to kill and eat children.

        "I have a doll and I try to fool kids into thinking it is talking by hiding the fact that I am the one talking. I have made a career out of this. It is my passion. Can I have access to your children now, please?"

    1. kittensdontlie

      Don't forget your run-of-the-mill liberal fornicators….they and their sexin' are the worst.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Hey, don't we have a god-given right to cannilbalism in this country, or has Nobama taken that away too…

  1. not that Dewey

    Sautee the little children, with onion and brie, for such is the kingdom of Heaven.

    1. MittBorg

      Horrible combination. Garlic would be better. Unless you caramelized the onion and added a little, I dunno, something crunchy like toasted nuts, maybe? Cholesterol city?

      1. not that Dewey

        Well, duh. Of course you'd carmelize the onion first.

        I know the pangs of guilt I get every time I go to wolf down some sauteed child with carmelized onions, and I ask myself "is there too much cholesterol in these pine nuts?"

          1. HistoriCat

            Given that it's on-topic this time, I'll give you a pass on the cannibalism. This time.

          2. not that Dewey

            Isn't it wonderful? Pristine and I can finally have our cannibalism fantasy adventure without interrupting the flow of the comment thread.

          3. MittBorg

            Just FYI, I'm about to get my hands on a book that dicusses the legal justifications, such as they might be, for cannibalism. Dee de dee doo da doo da.

  2. mavenmaven

    I have not seen a horror movie scarier than what that freak is saying in that video, particularly given that we now know what kind of "pictures" entertain this monster.

    1. MittBorg

      I've always maintained that horror movies are a way to take our minds off the truly scary shit out there. And he's far from the first, or has everyone forgotten Albert Fish?

      1. emmelemm

        That's why *I* like horror movies. It's hard to explain to people sometimes, but honestly, it distracts me from how horrible the world REALLY is.

  3. johnmburt

    They seem to be conflating two texts: "What you do to the least of these your brothers, you do to me" and "Eat, this is my body". Hardly the first time the splendid words of Christ have been let down by self-proclaimed Christians….

    1. Isyaignert

      I like your Christ, but not your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. — M. Gandhi

  4. PubOption

    He looks to be a lousy ventriloquist. I can clearly see his jaw moving in the video, and I think he turns sideways because his lips are moving as well. Also his voice and the dummy's are identical.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yes, that's it exactly! He is completely inadequate in the ventriloquary arts.

      I knew there was something I didn't like about the guy.

    2. savethispatient

      The bar for ventriloquism apparently used to be a lot lower – when my Dad was growing up, the BBC had a ventriloquist act on the radio.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      That depends. Is he in Florida?

      Jesus fucking Christ, it IS Florida. I didn't even read the goddamn thing.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        When I read a headline about some craziness I say to myself "Must be Florida". I'm right about 5 or 6 times out of 10.

    2. CthuNHu

      Any day that you wind up defending yourself by mentioning that you fantasize about murdering and dining upon your target audience's demographic is pretty much bound to be a loss in the old PR column, I always say.

  5. Woodshedding

    Oh! I just saw the video. Despite the channel ID being grayed-out, you can see it's that hideous religious cable channel – what's that called! Haw! the big-haired lady host on that channel was always as sickening as this guy. Well, almost.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Of course they are horrible. Look at what nutritionless food they eat. With a varied whole grain and natural food diet, their livers will be regain their true lovliness, and with some fava beans and a nice chianti….now there's a meal–H. Lector

      1. MittBorg

        Actually, children, being young and tender, should be eaten as close to raw as possible. Perhaps a tartare of the fillets? And a quick broil of the fattier parts. Or a saute, with fresh herbs, white wine, and pepper.

        Now you've made me hungry.

  6. MonkeyMotion

    Clearly the fault of a god-hating, prayer-hating, freedom-hating, secular society.

    Please pass the ketchup.

  7. weejee

    Looks like Rmoney will have to take Brown off his short list for Education Secretary. So hard to find true puppets for the Cabinet.

        1. redarmyzombie

          Not even they deserve that, Gemini. Much as I dislike them, not even they deserve that!

  8. user-of-towels

    Am I wrong to find that he is a puppeteer to be the creepiest thing about this whole story?

    1. HistoriCat

      He's just doing for puppetry what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns – provide the solid proof of creepiness we always suspected.

    1. valthemus

      Leave Dick Cheney out of this. He's busy telling Sarah Palin what a miserable loser bitch she is.

      (He hates Sarah Palin AND he's in favor of same-sex marriage? I could learn to like this man if he weren't a walking hellpit of Stygian evil.)

    1. Beowoof

      Self preservation, the unmentioned part of the plan was to use the dummy to fire up the grill.

  9. CivicHoliday

    The only thing that could make this guy any creepier is if he had a side gig as a birthday clown.

  10. user-of-towels

    I'm sure Breitbart.com already has a story up that Brown was registered as a Democrat.

    1. not that Dewey

      He's obviously a liberal plant, designed to make Christian cannibal puppeteers look bad.

    2. SheriffRoscoe

      Oh they'll accuse him of being gay, which is the true source of his evil. Nevermind that his fantasy to literally eat baby flesh is a lot more akin to what they claim to do every week in their sicko church services.

      1. MittBorg

        That part of Christianity has always sickened me. Not because I think humans should avoiding eating each other, since we're gonna end up doing that anyway and real soon if we don't stop the breeding; but because I'm not about to make cannibalism the centerpiece of all that represents morality and advancement and spiritual balance and well-being to me. Geez.

  11. SexySmurf

    Police first became suspicious of Ronald William Brown when they learned he lived in Florida.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    Not nearly as disheartening as learning some years ago Bernie Ward, radio personality with a flair for hamming up the Christ-Judaic mystique (among his mockups were 'sacraments' of irreverence i.e. regularly listeners called in such that on their behalf he'd sprinkle coffee and intone "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Donut I baptize you") had been found collecting and peddling child porn. But you choose your battles I guess over which rotten egg of a warped mind is gonna stink more when it's exposed. I tend to be more bitterly disappointed with the ones I thought were solid than those with sketchy setups to begin with.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Yea, that Chucky Cheese is one scary mouse dude, only his pizza is even scarier.

  13. Swampgas_Man

    Anybody else reminded of that Batman villain, the Ventriloquist w/ his dummy, crime-boss Scarface?
    Brown may be a bad guy, but I wouldn't take my eyes off that dummy for a minute.

      1. not that Dewey

        Element of repetition, too. The fact that there is more than one child cannibalism enthusiast.

  14. Hera Sent Me

    Amateurs. All experienced baby eaters know they have to be seasoned underground to achieve maximum savoriness.

    They're like winter kimchee.

  15. Geminisunmars

    Oh man, that video ended just when it was getting good. Now I'll never know what a wishy-washy machine is.

    1. user-of-towels

      That was just an early prototype anyway. They perfected the wishey-washey machine with the MittBot 3000 model.

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    Gross. Disgusting. Miniature, baby *anything* as food turns my stomach. Don't get me started on veal. Cute, innocent, defenseless little baby veals.

    1. doloras

      What grossed me out about that one place in Vietnam where the local delicacy is cat was that by "cat" they meant "six-week-old kitten". For some reason, slaughtering and currying a grown-up cat didn't seem like an outrage.

  17. Isyaignert

    Does that sick fuk have a child puppet that he pratices his hideous hobby on? That dood belongs in dirt cell six feet underground.

    1. Beowoof

      Unfortunately child molestation is rampant in various religions. This guy takes even that to the extreme.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      I was busy being disgusted and haunted by Mitt Romney two days ago.

      I know this story is worse and that Romney would never eat a child, unless he thought it would help him with his base … uh oh.

    1. MittBorg

      Nah, it's more like one-to-one, really. These kinds of stories start making you think/feel every human being out there is a threat to your kids, and that ends up wounding you and them without fixing the problem. In fact, these extreme sickos are very few. And don't feel bad that they freak you out, either. I spent at least a decade with my gut in a knot about certain short humans.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    It must be awful for religious parents of small children. Church is a minefield. Who needs that.

  19. MilwaukeeKent

    Call John Wayne Gacey what you will — clown, child killer, pillar of the community — at least he never stooped to cannibalism…

    …Okay, I'm done vomiting for now. Seriously, you'd think the people around him, professionally, socially, religiously, would get a hint over the years. Obviously, the sheltered are easy to fool.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I saw this guy in the TBN years ago. He creeped me out and I'm never wrong about those kind of feelings.

    2. MittBorg

      Religion teaches people to turn over control of their lives and their bodies, and their children's bodies, to an outside authority. Once you're willing to accept subservience to the will of another, what limits can you set on that subservience? Are there any? I'm not saying the parents had any idea he was planning to roast the fruit of their loins. Obviously, they didn't. But you have to wonder, in light of all the foofaraw about "stranger danger" (far less likely than incestuous/familial assault) that people allowed their children to go riding in a van with a man who had NO adult friends, with no other adult supervision.

          1. MittBorg

            Oh, hell to the no, I've never had a pedicure and as god is my witness I'll go to my grave with the same fuckin' toes he gave me. Or something.

  20. fartknocker

    Is this another fine product of a home school education?

    You got to work really hard to develop this level of lust for another person's death. Conversely, if he had access to mental health care, maybe he could have been treated for the disease he's suffering.

    1. MittBorg

      Reagan cut funding for mental health services, and this is the result. In a country that cared about its people, this guy would have been on medication long before he got around to chatting about a crime.

      1. MosesInvests

        Interestingly, the blood libel was originally leveled by the pagan Romans against Christians-they turned it on us in the Middle Ages.

  21. viennawoods13

    "However, Brown said “it was just a fantasy and he could never and would never hurt anyone.”

    Because what is wrong with having a fantasy like that??

    What the fuck.

    1. redarmyzombie

      You know, this reminds me of Ghost World (the comic, not the movie) with the pedophile priest indulging himself with digital child pornography, all the while maintaining that it was just a fantasy and he would *NEVER* hurt a child!

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      But he doesn't have a criminal record, 'member?

      Like that makes what sort of fuckin' difference?
      People like him NEVER think they could hurt children. It's because their minds are ill. Hell, he'd probably think that a kid would enjoy being tortured.

      I will be more snarky in today's newer post, I promise.

  22. miss_grundy

    Don't blame Jesus for crazy people who attend some "Christian" church that wouldn't know Jesus if it hit them. Only sickos would dream of killing and eating a child. And that's the problem with the so-called "Christians" who attend extremist churches in this country. Which is why I so happily attend an Episcopalian church because the parishoners are normal people and not wackos.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Seriously…I went to a "normal" Lutheran church and the pastor had extramarital sex with about 20 women. Normal is not a vaccination against sexual predation.

        1. Negropolis


          BTW, as with almost all these cases, people bring up religion because of the hypocrisy. Religion would be far better off if it was more humble, if it didn't claim to have all or the only answers.

  23. Antispandex

    Wait, wait, wait…I thought only Jews ate christian kids. There was supposed to be some Elders of Zion book that proved it conclusively. Huh, now that I think of it though, Elders of Zion could mean Mormons, which would mean…

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      I had ALMOST commented that that was why Mittens didn't want the press at the Israel fundraiser. Good thing I didn't .

  24. Pragmatist2

    A good day for the small children of Florida, perhaps, but THe Worst Day Ever for Ronald William Brown.

  25. StarsUponThars

    There's nothing in the bible against cannibalism, right? At least he wasn't gay married.

  26. BarackMyWorld

    But think about all the Christians given charge of children who AREN'T trying to do terrible things to them…

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Some might argue that a lot of these evangelical folk are doing terrible things to the kidz by preaching to them, or sending them to bible camp or whatev.

  27. Lazy Media

    I'm pretty sure the puppet is the one behind all this. The ventriloquist is the innocent victim.

  28. rickmaci

    Not that I am one to engage in profiling but what's up with the sociopath weirdos and their three name ID's? Fer cysssakes, even Hitler only had two.

  29. UW8316154

    Ventriloquists, puppets, marionettes, mimes, clowns, jesters – all freak me the fuck out.

    Furries not so much.

  30. Dashboard Buddha

    Nae! he cooldnae be a christian. if he was, he wooldnae chase efter wee bairns. nae true christian woods dae sic' a hin'.

  31. Dashboard Buddha

    Hmmmm, a dude who enjoys putting his hand up the ass of a child-sized object and working with Children in a Christian environment. What could go wrong?

  32. valthemus

    New drinking game: Watch Jesus Christ TV or TBN and take a shot every time you spot someone from the sex crimes registry! Fun at parties!

    I'm still allowed to lust after Gospel Bill, right? I'd hate to think he was a pedophiliac cannibal wannabe too.

  33. Rotundo_

    I wonder if his ventriloquism career will work out in prison? The ability to recite poetry while giving a deep throat beej might keep him alive for a while longer in the ironbar hotel. Locking this one up will be a good thing, and I am thinking that a normal Florida jury will put him up for a lengthy stay. If the dude can sing "God Bless America" and be understood while being spitroasted by his cellmates, they could be watching a legend of ventriloquism.

      1. smokefilledroomba

        And if you act now, you'll receive How To Cook Forty Children plus Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans at no extra charge. If you are not completely satisfied with How To Cook Forty Children, simply send it back for a full refund and keep Delicious Healthy Sides Like Fava Beans as our gift to you.

      2. CapnFatowls

        Okay, I'll do it:

        "There's still some more puppeteer dust on this book."


        How To Cook For Forty Children

  34. chascates

    Whosoever eats my flesh, and drinks my blood, has eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.
    John 6:54

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Shit, they'll probably start a fundraising and pray-away-the-cannibalism-telethon for him. Just remember to send in those "love gifts", "faith gifts", or whatever the hell they're calling them now.

  35. jakegittes

    Yeah. But all this wisdom is coming from a guy who's got his hand up a puppet's ass. That's not much of a role model.

  36. Negropolis

    another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast

    Ummm….WTF? First, "another" and then "child cannibalism enthusiast."? Wha?!

  37. AddHomonym

    There is no cannibalism in the Royal Navy. And when I say none, I mean of course, there is a certain amount…

  38. Negropolis

    My god! The Bible…it's…it's…a….cookbook!

    I'd not at all be surprised to see how we're supposed to prepare children somewhere in Leviticus.

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