america's greatest pundits

The Proper Conservative Patriot’s Take On The Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Not even kiddingPoor Jennifer Rubin, the unofficial public voice of the Romney campaign who continues to have a job at the Washington Post. Why doesn’t your Wonkette make fun of her more often? Maybe it’s too easy, but it’s not like that consideration has ever stopped us. Jen Rubin is sad today. Just a few days ago she was crowing, “The Obama campaign can’t bear the thought that the well-traveled Mitt Romney will make a nice impression on his overseas tour” — that the foreigns would instantly fall in love with Romney, a born diplomat. Unfortunately, within his first day or two of his arrival in our Special Friend country of England, Romney managed to insult the nation badly enough to earn a public rebuke from the conservative Prime Minister, the Mayor of London, and every newspaper and television station in the United Kingdom. What’s a Rubin to say now? How about… the Olympics opening ceremony is dumb, anyway, sorta like David Cameron is dumb.

We’d been wondering when conservatives would begin to bitch about the Olympics opening ceremony, what with its atmosphere of inclusiveness and camaraderie among competitors from across the globe, who tonight shall all stand together to watch a militia of Mary Poppinses fend of Voldemort in the Shire. Sort of like how conservatives will all call the World Cup collectivist (and gay) whenever it rears its quadrennial Trotskyist head. Where is the American exceptionalism at the London 2012 games, anyway? Take it away, Rubin:

The canard that if we just shot put together we’ll have a more peaceful world grows more cloying, if not galling, every four years. It perpetuates the patently false notions that there is a “global community” and that our problems are the result of misunderstanding or “fear of the ‘other.’” Sorry, but a Pepsi commercial featuring teams from the Syrian, Iranian, North Korean and Cuban regimes as representatives of simply three more frolicking countries in good standing with the “family of nations” is false advertising…

However, especially in turbulent and chaotic times, when nations are choosing whether to pursue freedom or religious zealotry, civil war or reconciliation and respect for human rights or inhumanity, I wish we’d stop perpetrating the idea that all you have to do to be part of the “international community” is to show up. No, to be part of the “global community” and to encourage “common humanity and universal ideals” countries must foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights. We shouldn’t blur the distinction between those who uphold those values and those who threaten them.

Umm… okay… here we have a classic case of someone not even bothering to separate the views of a government from those of its people. But what we really enjoy in this Rubin column is the dig she takes against David Cameron, whom she hates now mostly because he made fun of Mitt Romney in public yesterday:

(By the way, British Prime Minister David Cameron’s apology for the flag mix-up to the Great Leader’s gulag should give the American press a clue about this guy’s view of the world.)

Romney should be proud of having that guy insult him yesterday! Have we seen that spin yet? Andrew Sullivan has the most accurate take so far on what Republican hacks are hoping for in the coming days: “Next up: the entire right-wing noise machine will now be praying for Olympic failure almost as fervently as they are praying for a new recession.”

[Washington Post, photo via Deadspin]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Barb_

    "….. that the foreigns would instantly fall in love with Romney, a born diplomat."
    He wasn't a "diplomat" he was a "diplowMitt", which is the complete opposite.

    1. rickmaci

      Ask her what Twitt intends to do about what BarryO did with the bust of Churchill and watch her face turn red as the blood vessels in her forehead start to burst and her eyes bulge out of her head. LMAO

    1. Terry

      It's the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Maybe they'll recreate the burning of the White House.

  2. prommie

    Whats so funny about war hate and prejudice? The conservative, or at least neocon, lament, why can't we live in a world free from the scourges of peace, love, and understanding?

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Fuck that shit, I want bombs and hate, fire and destruction, chaos and blood.
      Or maybe shrimp and grits. Either way.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          AAAARG FOR THE LAST TIME, grits ARE dent corn, Polenta is Spanish Flint. I swear you will never learn.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            I thought the varieties were "Instant Grits", "Quick Grits" and "Old-Fashioned Grits." But I am only a descendant of Southerners, natural-born into Northern Citizenship.

          2. prommie

            She is the world's foremost expert on the difference between grits and polenta. She knows the DNA sequence of the dent-corn variety which made its way to Italy via Spanish ships returning from the Caribean in the 17th century. And don't get her going about the effects of the northern italian corn-intensive diet, particular the topic of pellagra.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            To Italy as a way to transport GOLD you know, til they got so starved they had to eat what they used for packing materials. Pirates will eat anything, it's one of their best qualities. And, I see now, I am a very boring person.

        1. prommie

          I used shallots, horseradish-cheddar cheese, and prosciutto. I am a fancy lad, you see, and like my fancy things. When we do the northeast wonkette-together (TM) I would gladly cater the affair, nay, even host it. I be hoping you are close enough to make it. If, when, Becky should deign to trickle this down on us.

          1. prommie

            I just can't get past that word "vittles," it so brings to mind Jed Clampett (a fellow Gator).

          2. FakaktaSouth

            WHY? WHY would you do that to me? I had no idea – oh wait, you said Jed. I was thinking my beloved Jethro. You can have Jed. That's fine, he's dead, yes?

          3. prommie

            Yes, long dead, I believe he was in the class of 1920-something, the mists of antiquity.

  3. actor212

    The canard that if we just shot put together we’ll have a more peaceful world grows more cloying, if not galling, every four years.

    TRANSLATION: What do you mean the US soccer team didn't qualify for that pussy sport????

  4. memzilla

    I'm sure that Mitt is still shocked that Britons didn't strew rose petals in his path, and greet his entourage as liberators. Maybe he should try pulling down a statue or three, and draping an American flag over the carcass?

    1. widestanceromance

      Tradition dictates that we must kill some children first. with fatal exceptionalism.

    1. JustPixelz

      Plus they have socialized medicine which is ramming two more years of life down the throats of their citizens versus U.S.A.

  5. actor212

    No, to be part of the “global community” and to encourage “common humanity and universal ideals” countries must foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights. We shouldn’t blur the distinction between those who uphold those values and those who threaten them.

    Hey, Jen?

    Lemme know when America gets those, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmK?

      1. NellCote71

        Abhor violence? Practice tolerance? Defend human rights? Are you fucking kidding me?

    1. JustPixelz

      Mitt gets it. If it he can figure out when his wife's "pet" project is under way. Then he puts it in a London safe deposit box. Wouldn't wanna bring that "foreign" gold back to the USA. He's running for President, for Pete's sake.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Yes. The OWNER always gets the prize. Except in hockey. Tip o' the hat to Lord Stanley who designed an egalitarian award because he knew those damn Canadians are Commies.

          1. janicket

            The rider and the owner (if different, and at that level they usually are) get the medal — the rider gets it draped on at the podium and then s/he and the owner[s] can duke it out afterwards over who gets to hang it on the wall back home, or flaunt it at parties, or hock it in Vegas after a bad night at the tables.

            The horse gets a nice warm bran mash with carrots and peppermints in it, and is happy.

          2. viennawoods13

            Well, the official Olympic records of medal winners don't mention the owner, just the rider. So in terms of the "winner", it's the human being on the horse. And what do they do if there is more than one owner, if the owner gets the medal?

          3. janicket

            Oh, certainly, the official winner is the actual athlete who was on the horse; but judging by a number of the sport horse owners I've observed, where the actual medal winds up isn't necessarily beholden to the record books but rather to the deepest pockets, and to the ability to take the horse away from the rider who spent years and untold sweating effort getting it to world-class status, and to bestow future rides upon a new trainer.

  6. metamarcisf

    If the U.S. Basketball Team had any sense of patriotism, they'd throw Sunday's opener against communist France.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey now, that was really the Canadians; that's why the burning was so polite and soft-spoken.

      1. viennawoods13

        Nope, we were too busy defending Upper Canada and Lower Canada from Yankee invasion. It was British regular troops.

  7. angerbear

    Contrary to Republican belief, there is more to diplomacy than executive hair and a well-tailored suit.

      1. Rotundo_

        Or you can always yell at them in english; it helps those foreign types understand what you're saying if you over-enunciate and bellow really loudly. They appreciate the extra effort on your part.

  8. SmutBoffin

    "However, especially in turbulent and chaotic times, when nations are choosing whether to pursue freedom or religious zealotry, civil war or reconciliation and respect for human rights or inhumanity…

    …cats or dogs, donuts or bagels, butter or Icantbelieveitsnotbutter…"

  9. SayItWithWookies

    That's quite a stinging criticism, coming from a woman who can't count to four.

    1. SorosBot

      But the rules make no sense! The way the scoring works, whoever gets the Golden Snitch will always win; the other points, and players, are completely superfluous!

      1. chascates

        How about combing quidditch with skeet shooting? Just blow the little bugger out of the sky!

  10. Boojum

    Willard Mittens Romney, Duke of Nothingham, Earl of Worstcandidateshire, Esquire of Moroni and Dressage, Diplomate of the College of Cocksfart.

    Born fucking diplomat. And I'm the Queen of fucking England.

    1. deanbooth

      Bugs Bunny: Mittens, in gratitude for your faithful service, I shall knight thee.
      Mittens: Your most gracious Majesty.
      Bugs Bunny: In the name of my most royal Majesty, I knight thee.
      Bugs Bunny: [Conks Mittens on the head with his scepter] Arise, Sir Loin of Beef.
      Bugs Bunny: [Conks him again] Arise, Earl of Cloves.
      Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Duke of Brittingham.
      Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Baron of Munchausen.
      Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Essence of Myrrh…
      Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Milk of Magnesia…
      Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Quarter of Ten.
      Mittens: [extremely dazed] You are too kind, Your Majesty.
      Bugs Bunny: [aside to audience] Got lots of stamina!

  11. coolhandnuke

    That is one bang-up not-so miniature golf course they built there. Mitt's mug agape as the 18th hole would be the perfect replacement for the clown's mouth.

  12. user-of-towels

    Rubin knows that Olympic athletes are chumps; I mean, she and Mitt didn't have to go through all that hard work, discipline, and sportsmanship to get their gold.

  13. Goonemeritus

    Fuck her; it is only because of the regular neighborhood Bocce tournament that we have avoided becoming two roaming bands armed with machetes.

  14. SorosBot

    "when nations are choosing whether to pursue freedom or religious zealotry"

    Whoa, do we have a conservative willing to go after the fundamentalist Christians trying to destroy freedom in America?

  15. angerbear

    How shocking that someone whose entire outlook on life is built on a foundation of zealotry, division and intolerance would find an aspirational ceremony depicting harmony and coexistence galling. In Rubin's world, you're not moving up unless you're pushing someone else down.

  16. Chow Yun Flat

    No, to be part of the “global community” and to encourage “common humanity and universal ideals” countries must foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights.

    Bitch is kidding, right? Amerikkka is extremely violent, both at home and abroad, defends human rights when if suits foreign policy (never at home, of course) ; tolerates anyone who is a straight white male and fosters the liberty of corporations to run the country.

  17. worrytron

    Before meltdown: Romney has proven experience managing the Olympics, a complex and diplomatically significant international event.

    After meltdown: Whatever the Olympics are bullshit.

  18. GunToting[Redacted]

    "…nations are choosing whether to pursue freedom or religious zealotry,"

    She is talking about us, right?

  19. SorosBot

    London is a really fucked up place; why when I was there, I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's, and his hair was perfect.

    1. viennawoods13

      I totally hate that Kid Rock song that fakes me into thinking that it's going to be Werewolves of London.

  20. coolhandnuke

    At the opening ceremony, Mitt should be the lone "athlete" representing the Cayman Islands, holding their flag/logo with a huge $ sign.

  21. CheeseBro69

    Maybe conservatives would be friendlier to the Olympics if the following events were included:

    Abortion Slut Shaming
    Fellating The Free Market's Cock n' Balls
    Who Can Hold The Longest NRA-Induced Erection

  22. actor212

    HOLY SHIT! They do a tribute to the National Health Service in the opening ceremony!

    Watch wingnuts go crazy this weekend! WOOHOO!!!!

  23. OneYieldRegular

    We abhor violence so much here in the United States that we perpetuate violence just so that we can abhor it some more.

  24. el_donaldo

    So if the countries that don't foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights don't get to show up, who will show up? Will the USA be allowed to send a partial contingent, or is the ban absolute?

  25. anniegetyerfun

    Since Wonkville is still borked, I would like to submit Fox News's explanation as to why that rightwing Greek athlete should NOT have been banned from the Olympics:

    To be fair, at least they had ONE analyst on who thought the ban was fair, but they gave her two seconds of airtime to the pro-racist fuckwit's MILLIONS OF MINUTES of airtime.

    1. thefrontpage

      This is not funny or snarky. This is a humor site! And mostly a liberal, left, progressive, forward-thinking site. No one here watches Faux News, or gives a dern about Faux News. They're all morons and idiots. And so are people who watch Faux News!! They're brainwashed, and wildly ignorant and biased.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Honestly, go fuck yourself. I'm tired of you. This comment is also snark-free, as it is 100% sincere.

    1. actor212

      Shit just got real. The Poppinses just landed…and there's Voldemort!

      And she pulls out a spoon! And there's white crytals on it!

      And she snorts them!

      Wait. That's Bristol Palin, sorry.

  26. MissTaken

    Did we just take a collective Viagra because my comments are now 8 and a half inches long?

    and I'm a girl

  27. anniegetyerfun

    "No, to be part of the “global community” and to encourage “common humanity and universal ideals” countries must foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights."

    That's why we opened and refused to close Gitmo, people. FOSTERING!

  28. DerrickWildcat

    They should just show the Chinese Opening Ceremony again for the London Opening Ceremony, because nobody is going to be able to top that for awhile. My God, did you see the Bird Nest Stadium? Gaudi would have been impressed.

    1. HistoriCat

      Yeah but that shit was "digitally enhanced" … the Brits should have gone full CGI. Sure it would suck for people at the stadium but who cares about them?

  29. chascates

    Will U.S. Dip American Flag at Olympic Ceremony?
    A controversy is brewing over whether the United States might break tradition and dip the American flag at the opening ceremony for the London Olympics. However, the American Legion said to do so would not only violate the U.S. Flag Code, but would also be un-American.

    We dip to NO ONE!

    1. docterry6973

      How 'bout we only dip Old Glory to the UN flag, and only on May 1. That would be a good compromise.

  30. UnholyMoses

    Shorter Rubin: "The Olympics are stupid because they do all the thing I will later say only good nations do, like foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance, and defend human rights."

    The lack of self awareness possessed by those on the right really is quite amazing.

  31. MacRaith

    "Sorry, but a Pepsi commercial featuring teams from the Syrian, Iranian, North Korean and Cuban regimes as representatives of simply three more frolicking countries in good standing with the “family of nations” is false advertising…"

    So which of the above four countries doesn't count as a country in Rubin's "three more frolicking countries" standard? Or is this another case where math is a liberal thing?

    1. MissTaken

      North Korea counts as only 1/10 a country because they only eat what 1/10 of a country their size would eat.

  32. chascates
    Should American flag be dipped at London Olympics opening ceremony?
    ____Never. Americans have fought and died defending the flag, for which it stands.
    ____Yes. It's time for America to get in line with the rest of the world.
    ____Undecided. Is it really that important an issue?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Should Americans dip at the Olympics?
      ____ Never. Chaw is a filthy, disgusting habit that would offend foreigners.
      ____ Optional. Y'all should try them little "Snus" packets from Sweden. They're like a teabag of snuff!
      ____ Carefully. Always use your commemorative 2012 Olympics Spittoon.
      ____ Always!! Give them Limeys an eye-full! USA! USA!

      1. horsedreamer_1

        To this, Kobe responded, "I put my hand up on her hip. When I dip, she dips, we dip". Then, he put IT to Kara Goucher — doggystyle.

  33. rickmaci

    Wait, wait. The Monty Python Romoney tour gets better and better.

    Isn't one of the big pluses on Twitt's presidential resume that he successfully put on one of these "Pepsi commercial" “global community” thingys, albeit in the middle of nowhere? Does she realize she is now saying the bosses big party was nothing but a jock fest waste of time anyway? LMAO.

  34. Antispandex

    There used to be a time way back, oh, four years or so, when people who went overseas and embarrassed the U.S. of Amerians were sort of looked down upon. Everything is different with a Bush as President. Will we return to those halcyon days under a Willard Romney Presidency? Who knows. Who cares?

  35. elviouslyqueer

    Man, when my toddler niece throws a hissy fit not unlike that of La Rubin, it usually means that her diaper needs changing.

  36. Wilcoxyz

    Please tell me Spinal Tap is playing the ceremony and there's an 18" Stonehenge for dwarves to trample.

  37. pdiddycornchips

    Jenny isn't about to tolerate any international gathering not designed to enrich Haliburton and/or kill brown people.

  38. ibwilliamsi

    "The canard"? She needs to use more anglo-saxon words if she wants Mitt's fans to understand what the hell she's talking about without thinking that "they" are all uppity.

  39. TribecaMike

    When was Pepsi nationalized? I must have been out of town when that was announced.

  40. caieva

    Can't wait for the new season of Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Mitt Romney. Though I have to say these reruns are slightly different than I remember them.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I love that show! Especially the episode where he sticks his head out the backside of 10 Downing St.

  41. barto

    "countries must foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights"

    Soooo, not the USA then, amirite Ms. Rubin?

  42. Doktor Zoom

    Rubin also announced her disgust at the plaque left on the Moon by the Apollo 11 mission. "'We came in peace for all mankind'? What a lot of pie in the sky claptrap! It should have said, 'USA: Don't fuck with us or we'll light you up, motherfucker.'"

    1. savethispatient

      Or perhaps just "This moon, its minerals and its likeness are property of America Inc, an Antigua-registered Corporation. All rights reserved."

  43. TootsStansbury

    This person is as hack even by WAPO standards.
    "Right Turn" feh where's our left turn WAPO librul media?!

  44. b[redact]opple

    "…foster liberty, abhor violence, practice tolerance and defend human rights." I suppose she's thinking of her favorite country, which is Israel.

    What an asshole.

  45. owhatever

    So Jennifer, please explain then why the Olympics in Utah were so important when the Mittbot was in charge, but are no longer and never were important except when held in America. Jen just misses her boyhood idols, those plus-sized East German women weightlifters, who are no longer involved.

  46. Biel_ze_Bubba

    The "patently false notion" that there is a global community? Patently false, I guess, if you believe in Kobol and other planets full of zombie Mormons … but that just makes you an imbecile.

    Personally, I'm pretty damned sure we're one species, and that we're all together on this one planet.

  47. Fare la Volpe

    nations are choosing whether to pursue freedom or religious zealotry, civil war or reconciliation, and respect for human rights or inhumanity

    But enough about the U.S.

  48. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Blimey. I just watched the opening ceremony. I'm expecting it to be utterly incomprehensible to most of the world.

    The body-popping Abraham Lincolns were pretty nifty though, especially when they arrived in the horse-drawn hearse.

  49. DustBowlBlues

    What a bummer that the Mayor of London is a Conservative. Should have left it the Lord High Mayor of London, which sounded way cooler, if they're going to elect a Tory anyway.

    I thought the Queen was a good sport and that was a cool sequence. I so wish they would end all the noise and the games would begin with the queen announcing, "I declare these Olympic games well and truly open." Then all the 15,000 cast members would yell in unison, "There will always be an England."

    BTW–Has anyone heard if the press in England has done any quoting from the shit Rmoney said about Merrye Olde England in his book? Never read it, but know it's shitty because the ghost writer was working with a robot.

  50. Typodong3

    No snark here. Just some flucking ranting. That was the most gawdawful opening ceremony in the history of the world. Dark, depressing, completely fucked up in every way. The only good part was the queen parachuting in (I called that before she did it), and ok Mr. Bean wasnt too bad either. What the hell were they thinking putting teens texting each other for 20 freaking minutes in the fucking Olympic ceremony? How about something related to… oh I dont fucking know.. SPORTS maybe? And what was with celebrating the dark, depressing, soulless industrial revolution? You really think its a good idea to showcase rich filthy fuck bankers lording it over the dirty, desperate poors for 1 half hour.. in our age of the 99% vs the 1% Was this a veiled pushback against occupy wall street? My whole family watching this was like.. what the hell is this crap?

    /rant off

  51. CivicHoliday

    So…in a historic olympics where, for the first time in history, every nation is being represented by at least a few women athletes, while at the same time here in 'Murrikah the GOP is pushing to send women's rights back to the 50s, his rep is going to bitch about inclusiveness and gender equity lacking in foreign nations? Ray Charles sees the world better than these asshats.

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