Wacky British Floppybums Clearly Unprepared for Olympics, Murder Bells Flying Everywhere

Drat, the bell! Did no one think of securing the bells? Hells bells, drat drat drat bollocks, splat. Here is Tiddlywinks McNinnypants, the UK’s “Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport,” trying to ring a bell, like all British people are required to do during their lunch breaks, and whoops, there goes the bell, breaking apart, flying into a lady, who is now dead. No, she is fine. She has flown off with her umbrella to defeat the Dragons of the North. Where is a glib American management consultant to bring some bloody order to this pippy helltown?

What music do all you Wonketteers want to see at the Londontowne Open-inge Ceremoneye tonight? Let’s have a dance party, right here, on the Internet.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. satyricrash

    The Damned! When are they going to get around to making Captain Sensible Sir Captain Sensible??

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Boo Radley is a Rmoney supporter? Put that dude back in the basement and don't let him come out again.

  2. fartknocker

    That bell was made by a former US bell manufacturer that has since moved to India after being purchased by Bain Capitol.

  3. Barb_

    He was just warning the British that Mitt Romney wasn't going to be taking away our caffeinated sodas, by ringing those bells and making sure as Ann was riding her prancing horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free of jobs here soon.

      1. Barb_

        Nah, I am okay now and Palin is out of my head.
        I just found the Amazon.com ad here and I've figured out that if I use that ad to get to Amazon to make my orders it helps Wonkette. Heck, you could get lost for days looking at the Kindle downloads. I wonder what this "Fifty Shades of Grey" is about?
        Does anyone know?

        1. HistoriCat

          Sounds like some sort of photography book for people who eschew color photography. Probably dry and academic.

        2. Jus_Wonderin

          Is that a study of new trends in Interior Design? With a reproduction of the monochromatic palette by Sherwin-Williams.

        3. natoslug

          I think it's an adventure book. My wife bought it, and apparently it came with 200 feet of rope, a bullwhip, and a pair of small clamps.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Barb, a doctor would advise that using this type of wording for an extended length of time will result in brain damage. IE: Sarah Palin.

  4. CrunchyKnee

    I bet that bell was made in China by a company that Mittens outsourced. Job creation at its best.

  5. JustPixelz

    I had sorta the same thing happen while I was dancing a jig in bell-bottom pants. Let's just say I really put my foot in my mouth that day.

  6. SorosBot

    Am I the only one who doesn't give a shit about the Olympics, and plan on watching absolutely none of it?

      1. MissTaken

        A blind Korean man broke an archery record. How does that work? A little Korean can't possibly be strong enough to pull a bow back. Weird.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Yes, Commie Elitist.

      (I don't really know what those words mean. But that clearly isn't necessary these days.)

    2. MissTaken

      I like to watch the opening ceremonies because it's nice to see athletes from small, developing countries that you rarely hear about otherwise proudly walk into the stadium showing themselves off to the rest of the world.

      But the events themselves, and the GO USA! bullshit, I couldn't give a rat's backside.

      1. SorosBot

        Oh the NBC coverage is just awful; it's all jingoism and stupid heartwarming stories. Really, why are we supposed to cheer for people just because they happen to have been born in the same country as us?

    3. SexySmurf

      I'm going to watch all the loser events: speed walking, canoeing, and I think they added LARPing this year.

    4. SheriffRoscoe

      I only watch the men's gymanstics. And maybe a little of the men's swimming, because I don't need to understand the rules for those events to enjoy them.

    5. mull_man

      No, you are not. I never could give a fuck-all about the Olympics, apart from it coming to my home city so I could AirBnB my house for a mint. Unfortunately, the rest of my household luvs these shitsoganzas, and so I've spent the last few evenings crawling under by house to position cable for the "telly".

    6. HistoriCat

      There are parts I find fascinating – human beings pushing themselves to their limits can do astonishing things. Sadly, you will not hear or see 95% of them because they a) are not USA Americans and/or b) have not beaten cancer/survived a tragic car wreck which killed 15 other members of their family/overcome a childhood of crime and poor parenting.

    7. DustBowlBlues

      I'll probably watch the opening ceremonies, as they're called. That's it. I hate the Olympics and agree with my wonkeratti friends that the human interest stories are bull shit. The only mega event I watch is the World Cup.

      Now that I think about it, will someone let me know when synchronized swimming in on? Just so I can watch it for a minute to make fun of it.

      1. MissTaken

        What?! You're going to miss out on the Wonkette Live Blog of future First Horse Refalco prancing and dancing around in the Horse Ballet Competition? For shame!

    8. Callyson

      Well, I do get into track and field, and swimming. I like to watch the athletes who get very little attention otherwise (which means fuck the Dream Team: whoever decided NBA players should be Olympians is an asshole.) But yeah, the endless commercialization is irritating…

  7. Callyson

    What music do all you Wonketteers want to see at the Londontowne Open-inge Ceremoneye tonight?

    "God Save the Queen" or GTFO.

          1. Isyaignert

            Ha! I spelled "you" "youe" as if in olde Englande. I went to London for the first time in 2007 and luved it! In fact, I've got a pint or two of Brit blood in meself. Have a great weekende!!

  8. SayItWithWookies

    I didn't expect the Brits to top the Beijing Olympics' opening ceremonies, but having a guy in a suit ring a handbell? That's just giving up, mates.

  9. Goonemeritus

    I’m somewhat confused as to why it took the world so long to get out from under the boot of the UK. I hasten to add that the Queen’s picture still appears on Canada’s money even now.

      1. Goonemeritus

        As a historian I would be interested in your opinion of how long it will take for America to have this same issue?

        1. HistoriCat

          I'm not a historian, just a feline with a long view perspective. That being said, I fear the country will collapse before we reach the point of inbreeding destroying the upper class. As long as it's acceptable for rich men to acquire beautiful women, regardless of their background, there will be enough genetic churn to keep the upper class going.

    1. savethispatient

      There was a lot of paperwork to fill out to extract yourself from the British Empire – it was the finest bureaucracy known to man.

  10. MissTaken

    That's just Paul Revere ringing his bells warning them silly Britishfolk that we will run all races freely and with arms.

    1. mrblifil

      TONS of great UK acts suffered similar fates…The Vibrators, The Damned, The Sundays, The Las, The Saints (Australian but London-based when they were ignored), Echo & Bunnymen, The SMITHS!!!, The Undertones (Northern Ireland was part of England), Elastica, The UK Subs… that's an eighties-heavy list but best I could do off top of my head.

      Let's add to the dance list this old chestnut: http://youtu.be/Mj3HBwp3cps

      1. sullivanst

        I thought Elastica had a degree of success stateside… at least, I recall the rumor that it put a strain on Damon Albarn's relationship with Justine Frischman that they were outselling Blur in the US.

        You can add Pulp to the list too.

        BTW, Pearl Jam did a pretty decent cover of Timeless Melody in Manchester a few years back.

    1. vasty_derp

      By now the Brits are probably bored with 'I'm so bored with the USA'. At least I would be if I played it every time Americans were obnoxious…

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    Dis-ah-ster Ah-vurh-ted. Aw. I'm totally saying that from now on when I fuck up but nobody dies because of it.

  12. coolhandnuke

    Waterboys "Old England."

    A man looks up on a yellow sky
    And the rain turns to rust in his eye
    Rumors of his health are lies
    Old England is dying

    His clothes are a dirty shade of blue
    And his ancient shoes, worn through
    He steals from me and he lies to you
    Old England is dying

    Still he sings an Empire's song
    Still he keeps his navy strong
    And he sticks his flag where it all belongs
    Old England is dying

    You're asking what makes me sigh now
    What it is makes me shudder so
    Well, I just freeze in the wind
    And I'm numb from the pummeling of the snow

    That falls from high in yellow skies
    Where the well loved flag of England flies
    Where the homes are warm and the mothers sigh
    Where comedians laugh and babies cry

    Where criminals are televised, politicians fraternized
    Journalists are dignified and everyone is civilized
    And children stare with heroin eyes, heroin eyes, heroin eyes
    Old England, old England, old England is dying, dying

    Evening has fallen, swans are singing
    The last of Sunday's bells is ringing
    The wind in the trees is sighing
    And old England is dying

    1. HempDogbane

      Or "Strange Boat."

      We're sailing on a strange boat
      heading for a strange shore
      We're sailing on a strange boat
      heading for a strange shore
      Carrying the strangest cargo
      that was ever hauled aboard

      We're sailing on a strange sea
      blown by a strange wind
      We're sailing on a strange sea
      blown by a strange wind
      Carrying the strangest crew
      that ever sinned

      We're riding in a strange car
      we're followin' a strange star
      We're climbing on the strangest ladder
      that was ever there to climb

      We're living in a strange time
      working for a strange goal
      We're living in a strange time
      working for a strange goal
      We're turning flesh and body
      into soul

        1. HempDogbane

          I thought about that one too. Wanted to suggest "A Man Is In Love" but that would have been too OT.

  13. SorosBot

    Can't we get some music from some of Britain's biggest celebrities, like Madonna and Gwenneth Paltrow?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      I suppose we should be grateful that he wasn't in charge of shooting off the guns on that ship, thus causing a farewell to arms.

      1. kittensdontlie

        What could be a more fitting addition to the pastoral sheep scene, than with the grave of the lone bell-fiasco fatality. May she rest in peace.

  14. ChernobylSoup

    Too bad nobody respects the Beatles anymore, now that John Lennon and George Harrison are Mormons.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      It explains why the lyrics for "I Am the Walrus" changed to "I am the eggman, I am the Mormon Koo koo ka choo."

      I really do hope the Mormons will let the idea of converting Paul into one live and let die.

  15. BlueStateLibel

    Will the Limeys also crown Mitt Rmoney official Court Fool on this special occasion? It seems fitting. He could then say something like, "‘It is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes.’”

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    OT: I have no snark in me today. First office emails of the day titled, "Problem" and "Drama".

    Why is there always one individual………………………………………….?

    1. HistoriCat

      Ew – is that one of those "one person is a problem so everyone in the office gets an email, so we're not singling anyone out"?

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Yes, in a way. I had one of those queued up, then deleted it. Its more "one person wants the entire organization to bend to his wishes and can't for the lfe of him understand why that won't happen". Some individuals have talent, but not tact. I can't "retrain" for social interaction.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            I thank God every day that my boss (the owner) is sharp, understanding, tactful and appreciative of hard work. I honestly have never worked in an organization this well run. Then there is my "carton of crazy" (aforementioned individual) that must spend every night planning out how to disrupt a perfectly well-oiled environment.

            I am whining and venting. I will stop. It is good noone knows where I work.

            (Boss, if you are reading this….how about a raise?_

  17. mrblifil

    Since the UK have decided to fuck up the Olympics presumably ending in some nightmare terrorism scenario out of Valdemort's attack on Hogwarts, might I submit for your consideration Buzzcocks "Everybody's Happy Nowadays?" Or Pete Shelley's "Homo Sapien" which will be the theme song when London hosts the Gay Olympics.

    And how could I forget (repeated upthread apologies): Streets of London http://youtu.be/Mj3HBwp3cps

      1. savethispatient

        Oh, I hadn't heard that track before, thanks. And I'm not a champagne socialist, I'm just a socialist who enjoys champagne from time to time!

  18. SorosBot

    What about playing some true classic English music?

    Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
    So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
    I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
    I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah

    If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
    (Gotta get with my friends)
    Make it last forever, friendship never ends
    If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
    (You've got to give)
    Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

  19. SexySmurf

    The saddest thing about the Olympics is that all the gold medalists are going to end up looking like this in 40 years.

    (Sorry about posting that picture before lunch.)

  20. Mumbletypeg

    I'm wary of clicking on the "HOW SADDINGTON" tag.
    Although: Nooningtonshire doth evince the perils of her fancy best when she's stirring the no-more-tears solution into her ablution.

  21. ChernobylSoup

    I understand there's been a real clampdown in London. The police are on everyone's back. The army's in complete control. This is England, where they tell you to know your rights, but somebody got murdered and now I'm not sure if I should stay or go. It would be nice to just get back to my safe European home before all of London's burning.

    1. vasty_derp

      You're frettin', you're sweatin'
      But did you notice you ain't gettin'?
      You're frettin', you're sweatin'
      But did you notice you ain't gettin' anywhere?

  22. ttommyunger

    Never-was Candidate visits has-been Country for who-gives-a-fuck-event. Sorry, Lizzie.

    1. vasty_derp

      I'm thinking "Start" would be appropriate for Romney's quest to communicate:
      "It's not important for you to know my name –
      Nor I to know yours
      If we communicate for two minutes only
      It will be enough
      For knowing that someone in this world
      Feels as desperate as me –
      And what you give is what you get."

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I like The Jam, even though their rhythms are too uptight and all the Tamla/Motown and Curtis Mayfield covers in the world haven't been able to take the stick out of Paul Weller's butt.

        1. vasty_derp

          PW had the right look & voice for the Jam, but his post-Jam career has been kinda dull & AOR. They did the 'angry young man' thing pretty well & I reckon the uptight rhythms were appropriate for that.

          I have to admit that 'Tales from the Riverbank' is my favorite song of theirs- I like the way the hopeful lyrics contrast with the slow & somewhat ominous arrangement. A nice contrast to 'Town Called Malice' which is sugary pop on the outside with bitter lyrics to contrast…

          1. Chet Kincaid

            I love "Setting Sons". It's the most comparable to their heroes, The Who. The closing song, "Wasteland" (at least in the U.S. vinyl version I owned) gave me the same melancholy feeling as "Riverbank" probably gave you. (I just checked iTunes and wiki, and the running orders for the UK and Canada and digital are completely different from what I remember!)

          2. Chet Kincaid

            Oh, if you care, I figured it out. The vinyl versions of "Setting Sons" had their sides reversed between the UK and US/Canadian versions. Which is really strange, because the "original" US running order is perfect to my ears, and reversing it puts some of the weaker songs first and deprives the album of a perfect closer.

  23. thefrontpage



    Blumburg Financial and Economical Newswire (BFEN) is reporting that that bell was manufactured by Bain Capital!

    —Sir Winchester McFuddles Willingtonshire
    Financial and Economical Reporter
    Blumburg Financial and Economical Newswire (BFEN)

  24. vasty_derp

    I think this whole thing with the bell was planned as a message to terrorists who might be plotting to disrupt the Olympics.

    "You thought that bell thing was dangerous? Just wait to see what other booby traps are lying in store for you if you try to fuck with us."

  25. Chet Kincaid

    I have always thought this Clash was an excellent poem:


    They say the immigrants steal the hubcaps
    Of respected gentlemen.
    They say it would be wine and roses
    If England were for Englishmen again.

    Well I saw a dirty overcoat
    At the foot of the pillar of the road.
    Propped inside was an old man
    Whom time could not erode.
    The night was snapped by sirens,
    Those blue lights circled past,
    The dancehall called for an ambulance,
    The bars all closed up fast.

    My silence gazing at the ceiling
    While roaming the single room —
    I thought the old man could help me
    If he could explain the gloom.
    "You really think it's all new,
    You really think about it too"
    The old man scoffed as he spoke to me,
    "I'll tell you a thing or two…

    "I missed the fourteen-eighteen war,
    But not the sorrow afterwards,
    With my father dead an' my mother ran off
    My brothers took the pay of hoods.
    The twenties turned, the north was dead,
    The hunger strike came marching south —
    At the garden party not a word was said,
    The ladies lifted cake to their mouths.

    "The next war began and my ship sailed
    With battle orders writ in red.
    In five long years of bullets and shells
    We left ten million dead.
    The few returned to old Piccadily,
    We limped around Leicester Square.
    The world was busy rebuilding itself —
    The architects could not care.

    "But how could we know when I was young
    All the changes that were to come?
    All the photos in the wallets on the battlefield
    And now the terror of the scientific sun.
    There was masters an' servants an' servants an' dogs.
    They taught you how to touch your cap.
    Through strikes an' famine an' war an' peace
    England never closed this gap.

    "So leave me now, the moon is up
    But remember the tales I tell.
    The memories that you have dredged up
    Are on letters forwarded from hell."

    The streets were now deserted.
    The gangs had trudged off home.
    The lights clicked off in the bedsits.
    Old England was all alone.

  26. Blunderthing

    Why haven't we invaded and conquered this crumbspeck of an island? The crumpet is a beastly type of food and treacle oozes from their ears. That "stiff upper lip", well we know what makes the upper crust crusty.

  27. Antispandex

    "What music do all you Wonketteers want to see at the Londontowne Open-inge Ceremoneye tonight?"

    The Sex Pistols? They are the only one's I can think of who have a song about the Queen. Which, by the way, if we watch, will we be forced to put up with a parade of the royal inbreds?

  28. sbj1964

    I have been busy getting my shots & passport today the company is sending me to some 3rd world shit hole where they have dirt floors no electricity,more than likely talk some click,click language in the middle of nowhere.I don't know, some place called Oklahoma.I hope they have indoor plumbing.I guess the Internet will be to much to dream.Later Wonkette see you when I get back to civilization,

  29. shelwood46

    Shouldn't Billy Bragg be all up in this Wonkette post? I vote "No Power without Accountability".

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