the horsey set

Why Won’t Mitt Romney Root For His Wife’s Dumb Horse?

That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?Mitt Romney has taken a look at how they do things over there in old England-Land, and has quickly come to the well-justified conclusion that their Olympics are just a hot metric tonne of garbage compared to the awesome USA American Olympics he ran in Salt Lake City. But you’d think that he’d at least take some time out of hating the 2012 Olympics in general to show a little love for America’s greatest Olympian! We’re of course talking about Rafalca, the dressage horse partly owned by Mitt’s wife Ann. Why is he pretending that he hasn’t spent long evenings out in the stables, feeding Rafalca carrots and pouring out his soul?

We’ve been a bit harsh on Ann Romney of late, what with her growing contempt for people who don’t have nine-figure net worth, but apparently she’s never really wanted Mitt to run for President, and now that he’s doing it he should probably be nicer to her? Like, you know, he’s in London for the Olympics where her horse is going to be dancing and all, the least he could do is show up and cheer or something! But instead, he said this:

It’s a big, exciting experience for my wife. I have to tell you, this is Ann’s sport. I’m not even sure which day the sport goes on. She will get the chance to see it, I will not be watching the event. I hope her horse does well.

Nice try distancing yourself from Rafalca, Mitt. Everyone knows that three months ago you were super-excited about the Dressage World Cup and personally picked out the music Rafalca danced to, so don’t try to claim you are not 100% gay for that horse. [ABC]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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237 comments

    1. ph7

      In fact, Mitt is bundling Raflac futures, selling them to investors, and then heavily shorting those same derivatives.

    1. Boojum

      I bet I know which part of the horse she owns.

      But why does she only own part? What, is she a Poor, and couldn't afford her own horse?

    2. Ruhe

      But Mitt could just stand on the same footstool he uses when he's tying the dog onto the car.

  1. JudasPeckerwood

    The relationship has been strained ever since Mitt tried to tie Rafalca to the top of the family car.

  2. actor212

    Everyone knows that three months ago you were super-excited about the Dressage World Cup and personally picked out the music Rafalca danced to

    Hey, Mitt? Everyone knows, you call the tune, you pay the piper.

    Get your ass in the seat, bitch!

    1. elgin_pelican

      See, he is one of us! Unlike the rest of the 1%, who hire horse-music picker-outers.

  3. Baconzgood

    Jesus man. His wife is into this but he doesn't give a flying fuck? Dude's trying to lose her vote too. Honestly, I don't like to watch Drag Race with RuPaul but I still sit there and read while the lil' lady watches it. This guy won't even go to the Olympics with his wife. It's called being in a relationship douch hat.

      1. SorosBot

        Well he shouldn't be getting them, at least according to a hilarious Mormon sex blog google brought up:

        " Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord. All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."

        1. Baconzgood

          There's a really good "that blows for mormans, NOT!" joke in there but I just can't flush it out.

        2. ph7

          The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.

          So is riding a bicycle with a necktie on.

        3. SayItWithWookies

          "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."

          Well then — Mormons who engage in oral sex should, if they practice something troubling, resolve it in the most sensible way — by leaving the damn church.

        4. bibliotequetress

          I like that out: "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it…" So if getting a hummer BOTHERS you, and you ask your godperson, THEN you should stop. Of course, if it doesn't bother you and you repent each time you enter the temple, you're kosher! Or whatever Mormon "kosher" is.

      1. emmelemm

        Also also also, apparently if a husband kills himself (suicide being a ginormous sin), the wife also goes to hell, because she's joined forever (FOREVER) with her husband. And no amount of good deeds or right livin' can save her from that fate.

        (I know someone whose next door neighbors were Mormon, husband committed suicide, wife would come over to their house and cry and cry about going to hell; no one else she could talk to, because everyone else she knew was Mormon.)

        1. IonaTrailer

          And when a good Mormon dies, he gets his own planet. And this planet is populated by all his spiritual wives. And THEIR idea of heaven is that they are perpetually pregnant!

          (This religion was so made up by a horny 16 year old boy.)

  4. SayItWithWookies

    C'mon, Mitt can't pour out his soul — as a teetotaler, he wouldn't have a shot glass to put it in.

        1. MissTaken

          The horse is a girl, so we would've given you shit either way. That's how we show Wonkett love!

    1. Ruhe

      So it's not really a dressage horse so much as a frottage horse? And that's an Olympic event? And Mitt's not interested? All very strange.

  5. smitallica

    Seriously, if you were casting for "RICH ASSHOLE AND STEPFORD WIFE" characters in a play, could you do any better than these twits?

  6. lunchbox360

    I bet it was awful when Rafalca got the squirts while riding on top of the plane to London. That's how the Romney's roll, yo!

  7. GunToting[Redacted]

    I'm looking forward to hearing Pat Boone's Greatest Hits during the dressage coverage.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Without a doubt. After all, Ann did go and tell the world about how Mitt is "not stiff" if you "unzip him."

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    That horse and Mitt probably have the same kind of relationship that Kent "Flounder" Dorfman had with Doug Niedermeyer's horse.

    1. Harrison Wintergreen

      Maybe he'd prefer to have the kind of relationship Lt. Harris had with the police horse in the first "Police Academy" movie… or the relationship Don Corleone's boys had with movie magnate Jack Woltz's horse in the first "Godfather" movie.

      1. MittBorg

        Or the relationship Marlon Brando had with his horse — and his ass — in Missouri Breaks. And you can take that any way you want to.

  9. Eve8Apples

    Rafalca sounds very Muzlin, Messican, Socialist Kenyan to me. I DEMAND TO SEE RAFALCA'S BIRF CERTIFICATE!!111!11

    1. An_Outhouse

      Rafalca is an anagram for ala FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, a Marxist–Leninist revolutionary guerrilla organization.

      Coincidence? I doubt it.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Given that WASPs and Mormons are all about breeding, it shouldn't take long for at least ten generations to show up. Baptized.

  10. Goonemeritus

    That’s no way to be a supportive husband, I am always there to support my wife in whatever ridiculous estrogen poisoned nonsense she wastes our time and money on.

    1. actor212

      Yes, but for you and me, that would be like planting a garden or going to the opera. I can sort of sympathize with Mitt here. It must be awful embarrassing trying to feign interest in hours of dancing horses. No emotion chip could possibly last that long without a meltdown

  11. i_AM_ready

    Mitt Romney flip-flopped on supporting the only thing his wife has ever done? That's unpossible!

    1. rickmaci

      Mitt thinks there is a reason that God gave man a mouth with two sides and that he should use them as the Lord intended to talk out of both sides.

  12. Generation[redacted]

    Look you know how it is. You're watching late night TV and you see an infomercial about how great it is to be a rafalca farmer. Next thing you know you got a bunch of obnoxious rafalcas in your back yard and you couldn't sell crafts made of their itchy wool even if you wanted to go to the trouble of sheering them.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      This almost happened to my dad who, no joke, somehow got the impression that rafalca are roughly the size of jackrabbits.

  13. SorosBot

    Which is the least legitimate "sport"; dressage, rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming, or ice dancing?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't skeet shooting still in the lineup? They might as well make Call of Duty: Black Ops an olympic sport.

    2. fartknocker

      I''m not a fan of curling, unless it involves a 12 ounce glass filled with some ice and Jack Daniels.

          1. actor212

            100m dash?

            Well, I mean, the keg would be incentive, sure…but I meant one you could actually drink out of during the event.

    3. Jennyjen798

      SRS RESPONSE INCOMING:

      Least Legitimate = Ice dancing. It's fucking figure skating (which is already in the Olympics) without the requirement of jumps and lifts (i.e. axels, loops, lutz, you know the exciting parts where you wonder if they are about to bust their ass on ice) and less emphasis on formal techniques because you're doing ballroom dancing on ice. Its like oh yeah you couldn't cut it as a figure skater? Oh I know you can go out there and "dance". Run along child, we can all be winners!

      The others I could see being a pain in the ass. Horses have to be broken and trained. If they break something you have to kill them. All that time and money down the drain. Sorry, horse off to the alpo factory. Start all over with a new horse. While the "owner" might not be doing anything, someone is training that damn horse to perform. My ex's mother and sister run a horse ranch in MT. Breaking just 1 horse can take hours depending on the horses attitude (legit breaking not drugging it up so its in a stupor like some people do). Training is a bajillion hours more. I'd say this is the second least legit because the owners usually arent doing the work.

      Rhythmic gymnastics, ok do some flips and shit with things in your hand, don't fall and break your neck kid. It's almost at the ice dancing level of oh you couldn't cut it at the floor work, here's a sport for you category. However, running around with shit that might poke out your eye if you land wrong kind of makes up for it. The fact that its mostly growth stunted malnourished kids/teenage girls in this sport makes this one farther up the legit scale because that takes serious dedication and/ or crazy parents to treat yourself this way.

      Synchronized swimming is probably the most legit imo. First of all you have to be able to not die in 5 ft of water. You have to have be able to follow directions, have some rhythm, stamina, and flexibility. Plus getting 20-30 catty girls doing the same thing at once and smile about it? That's serious work.

      1. IonaTrailer

        Could we have rhythmic gymnastics on ice? With no panties on under those little skirts?

        1. Jennyjen798

          Wouldn't it be more effective on the trampoline? Since that's an event now or something?

    4. anniegetyerfun

      While I totally understand why people would mock it, I rode dressage in high school and I can testify that any sport involving horses, other than eating them, is not a walk in the park.

      Unless, of course, your fucking horse decides, mid-course, that it wants to simply leave the stadium and take a walk through and orchard and into the city park, like mine did.

  14. veritass

    While Romney is indeed listed as the CEO of the dancing horse team, he isn't involved in their day-to-day prances.

  15. emmelemm

    Horsey libel! The horse may be dumb, but it's smarter than Mittens.

    ETA: And it can dance.

  16. MissTaken

    If SorosBot had a dog that was competing in the 'jump through a hoop, lick your foot, and then take a nap' competition of the Greater Philadelphia Dog Show I would get my ass on a plane and cheer louder than any other fool at that show.

    Way to show support for the lady you love, Mitt.

    1. Baconzgood

      That's because you're a "person" that has "concern" about "supporting" people you "love".

    2. SorosBot

      Aw, thanks hon. And my parents' dog would do great at the foot-licking and napping part of the contest.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I guess those dog shows don't have "butt sniffing" as part of the scored competition.

    3. Guppy

      I'm going to show an uncharacteristic amount of decorum and decline to make certain comments in response to this.

    4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Jump through a hoop? I'm offended. Dogs have way too much dignity to do that. Foot licking and napping sounds good though. Maybe with a role around on the dead squirrel competition.

  17. coolhandnuke

    We've been hearing the lies flow from the back end of this horse for the past year.
    Now it's England's turn to savor the manure.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    If he attended, he'd probably just end up criticizing the fuck out of the equestrian centre anyway.

  19. Ducksworthy

    I was somewhat disturbed to learn of the importance of massaging the peni of show horses, cleaning the "sheath" they call it, to prevent unsightly drips when performing. I suppose Mitt has "people" to perform this duty. But he may like doing it himself, just from time to time, you know.

  20. sbj1964

    Mitt's parents named him Mittens.What did they name the Cat "Chuck"? Now he named a horse Ralfalca?WTF is wrong with this family?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Tripp was taken and, it wouldn't have been a good name for a Dressage horse anyway.

  21. kittensdontlie

    Sounds like his Mittenship has a case of sour apples….(horses don't like grapes).

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I never understood the whole sidesaddle thing. If anything, men should ride sidesaddle. Trust me, that saddlehorn is a fuckin' bitch when you have to stop hard.

      Edit: Stop short, I meant stop short.

  22. randomsausage

    As we say back in merry-olde-Brit-land, Mitt is a Horse's Arse. Not Rafalca's arse of course….he's in no way associated with that horse, no sireeee!

  23. Eve8Apples

    Mitt picked out Rafalca's dance music?

    Let me guess. Was it "Raining Men?" or "YMCA?" or "I'm Coming Out?" or "Supermodel?"

    Any other suggestions?

  24. user-of-towels

    HEY, KIDS! What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Mitt Romney?

    One pissed his wife off with a blue dress; the other pissed his wife off by thinking dressage blew!

    AYUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUK!!!

      1. tessiee

        Mitt-con-cep-tion [n]: An accurate description or verbatim quote for which there is ample evidence, but which is inconvenient to Mitt at any given moment.

  25. widestanceromance

    Willard has rejected and denounced both his wife and the horse she rode in on. Retroactively, so only the liberal lamestream media will claim he even has a horse or a wife.

  26. ShreditorsDesk

    "O-o-o-h W-i-i-l-bu-u-u-u-r, you s-h-o-o-u-ld have let m-e-e-e d-o-o the Ta-a-a-a-alk-ing."

  27. Self-Uploader

    "Why is he pretending that he hasn’t spent long evenings out in the stables, feeding Rafalca carrots and pouring out his soul?"

    Hey Wonkette, don't think that subtile reference to the Soprano's and Tony's relationship with Pie-O-My went unnoticed. But comparing Tony to Mitt? C'mon!

    One's a low-life, greedy sociopath whose only concern is gaining more power and money, and the other's a fictional character on a television show.

  28. Eve8Apples

    This overseas trip is really helping Mittens' campaign. I think he should stay overseas for the next four months. The average American worker earning minimum wage and working two full time jobs can really relate to a multi-millionaire attending the Olympics debating whether or not he should attend the dressage competition with his wife.

      1. Eve8Apples

        There are plenty of opportunities to make an ass of himself. Next he's going to Israel so he empathize with their plight, "Hey, you people are like Mormons. We both wandered around the desert looking for our promised land." And then off to Poland to tell some "dumb Pollock" jokes. Mitt to his Polish host, "Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days? He was scheduled to take a urine test."

  29. savethispatient

    "100% gay for that horse"
    Careful: I think that's what got Catherine the Great into trouble.

  30. Blunderthing

    Jesus said to Peter, "You will deny me thrice before the cock crows." Mitt will put this pony out to pasture in more ways than one if it gets in the way of his ruthless race to be President of the Rich.

  31. poorgradstudent

    Spouse or no, I'd find it too boring to even pretend to watch too. Hell, wake me up when the Olympics add Ultimate Fighting, competitive male stripping, and "Mortal Kombat" to the list of events.

  32. mrblifil

    He hopes her horse does well? Does Mitt realize that Rafalca is competing FOR AMERICA!!!11! These colors will not be shat upon.

    He's either the world's dumbest husband or this is part of a very intricate Teacher/Student or Mommy/Son role playing ritual.

  33. rickmaci

    Man can't even enjoy his tax deductions for all the secret 1040 envy and Ra$alca libel !!!

    Just because he gets more in TAX DEDUCTIONS per year ($77K) for his horse than the median ANNUAL INCOME for an American family of four ($51,413). Let them eat carrot cake!!!

  34. Generation[redacted]

    Wait, so he gets to skip out on his wife's dressage horse, but I still have to sit through all the women's gymnastics, including the ridiculous looking one with the ribbon?

  35. va_real

    Y'all, this is just what he's saying TODAY. When he gets negative feedback on not supporting his wife, he'll be reprogrammed. I can't wait to see him yelling, "Come On Rafalca! Move Yer Bloomin' Arse!"

  36. sati_demise

    Even horse fanciers fall asleep during the dressage competitions. they only wake up when the 3 day Eventing competition starts. Or show jumping, depending on the weather.

  37. thewarmingsun

    Shouldn't the headline read, "Why Won't Mitt Romney Root for his DUMB Wife's Horse?

    I suspect Rafalca is much smarter than YOU people.

  38. DemmeFatale

    Oh Mitt!
    You just don't get it, do you?
    You try to distance yourself from a stupid, elitist, sport, and just just come off more stupid and elitist, than ever.

    (Plus, there's the bonus of acting like a douchebag and being a shitty husband!)

  39. Robman2

    The final scene in Luck, was actually shot with Mitt's stable's complicity, Adobe After Effects provided the Dustin Hoffman placement animation overlay…

  40. viennawoods13

    Everyone knows that three months ago you were super-excited about the Dressage World Cup and personally picked out the music Rafalca danced to,.

    Of course.

    1. emmelemm

      Or: I'll concern myself with Rafalca when it's time to dismantle him and sell his assets for dog food and glue.

  41. 12X34X

    A. Romney does not have a soul.
    B. Rafalca is not a dumb horse. Rafalca is a poor horse who very well may be injured, under pressure to perform, and doped way up into the stratosphere.

  42. docterry6973

    The horse is worth what, 500K? That is like expecting Romney to care about his used Kleenex.

  43. Schmegeg

    Mittens just lies like he means it. Sometimes he is truly scary. If the wife was in a bowling tournament, maybe you can blow it off, but the Olympics? Why did he go to England this week, it is not like they have the time to entertain him.

    On to Poland! Perhaps a nice lunch at Oschweim? I hear some German tourists built a nice camp there.

  44. ttommyunger

    This poor guy is just tone-deaf; politically, socially and personally. That must come from a life of total privilege.

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