NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

  the exorcist

Kathryn Jean Lopez
Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time:

Idiots on Aurora: Pt. All of Them

Here is the work of Fr. Dwight Longenecker, which K-Lo finds “interesting”:

Some say the demonic Joker drove Heath Ledger to kill himself.

Now it’s getting spooky. There was a weird phone message with bizarre guttural voices and moans. Was he demon possessed? Maybe. It happens.

Demonic infestation is a rare, strange and terrible psycho-spiritual affliction. In simple terms, a malevolent, separate intelligence infests the mind and spirit of a person. It takes over the rational faculties and dominates the personality. The phenomenon is real, but anyone who has ever dealt with the problem realizes that the demonic realm is complex. The human person is an intricate organism in which the physical, mental and spiritual aspects are totally interwoven. Therefore, in most cases, trying to diagnose the possibility of demonic influence is extremely difficult. [...]

Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis. Even then, it is a slippery question. We are dealing with a reality that is rubbery. In many ways this is the wrong question. Better to ask, “Was James Holmes taken over by Evil?”

Yes. Something happened to the mild mannered science geek. He turned into a monster. Something twisted in his mind and heart, and Evil made an entry. Evil infested his life. It took him over. Whether the twist was through mental illness, some inner wound or some terrible dark intelligence, we cannot say. The fact that we can’t say what went wrong and don’t have a neat and tidy answer is the key to understanding the terrible conundrum of evil.

What else might have happened to the mild mannered science geek, besides turning into a monster? Well, we’re just spitballing here, since we are not a psychiatrist or even a Catholic priest so we can’t speak to the “evil” that he was possessed by, but we would assume “young man develops schizophrenia at textbook-classic age for developing schizophrenia” was rather more likely than “young man possessed by Beelzebub.” Sort of an Occam’s Razor kind of situation.

Probably not very interesting, though. Or, for K-Lo, enough brimfire, judgment, and adherence to medieval fanatic versions of sometimes-modern religions. We will try better next time.

[NRO, via Wonkette operative "Maggie"]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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361 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Based on the assholes we've elected the last few years it's obvious that it's not bullets that kill, it's ballots.

    2. Nibbler of Niblonia

      and it's the Kathryn Jean Lopezes of history who wrote the Bible. sure would explain a lot, no?

    3. JohnnyQuick

      Allowing demons to buy automatic weapons with 100 round clips is just the price we pay for Freedumb! Wait… Are these demons white?

  1. Jus_Wonderin

    "…..but we would assume “young man develops schizophrenia at textbook-classic age for developing schizophrenia” was rather more likely than “young man possessed by Beelzebub.”

    Excellent!

    I live in a bit of fear that I get my daughter her 30th year without this awful affliction falling on her. But, I live in fear most days.

    1. commiegirl99

      We had an older brother who was schizophrenic; getting past the "textbook age" was an absolute weight off all us younger kids. We never knew if it was going to happen. Hmm, that's not very funny, is it? Oh well.

    2. Fraudulently_Joe

      Youch, that's a tough hand to be dealt. Especially since the prevailing theory holds that the stress of dreading the onset of symptoms can help contribute to the onset of…

      I definitely wish you and yours the best of luck, and a stress-free early-adulthood, to boot.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Thanks for that. Well, it's not that we have a definite history, but I remember her Mom (who was having "anger issues" stemming from her upbringing) recounting a time she saw someone in the campus parking lot leaning back into their car…and the ex/wife wanted to go and slam the door on her. Maybe I share too much. That should have forshadowed our marriage, right? Face palm!!

        The daughter is fine and a prize to be proud of, but I do "pray" that she won't get overwhelmed as she begins her career. (Stop worrying JW!!)

        1. MittBorg

          Stop worrying JW! Most kids turn out just fine. I know it's not much of a consolation to you, but trust me. I grew up with a totally fucking insane bitch who specialized in throwing sharp objects and heavy furniture at her kids. None of us is schizophrenic. Depressed? Yes. Understandably. But you worked hard to raise your girl right, and she'll be just fine.

          My partner adopted a little girl with FAS. It's a relatively mild case, but raising her has been a huge challenge. She just graduated high school, something we never thought she could do. So, don't worry. It'll be fine.

        2. sullivanst

          I'm sure there's more to it than just that one anecdote, but anger issues, even a lack of impulse control, do not contribute to a diagnosis of schizophrenia. As a result of an episode our eldest had a couple of years back, I researched the DSM criteria for most of the psychiatric disorders backwards and inside-out. Fortunately for us, a day or two after the Doctor had told us he'd been out of it too long for to have been chemically induced and therefore we needed to prepare for the long haul, he started a rapid and full recovery, and has been fine ever since.

          1. sullivanst

            Sure was a bad couple of weeks, for all of us. Now we just moan about all the parties he throws while he's back from college ;)

    3. MittBorg

      It's tough being a parent. Having kids is like giving hostages to fortune. You never know what you'll end up with. However, if it's any consolation, young men are more susceptible than young women.

      I sincerely hope that your daughter is not so unfortunate as to suffer from this terrible mental illness, and that she reaches her 30th birthday safe and sound, J_W. You're a good Dad to your little girl.

        1. MittBorg

          Great, Booj. I try to make J_W happy, I end up making you miserable.

          FWIW, I raised two boys to adulthood (STEP-parent), and they haven't killed anyone yet. They'll be just fine.

    4. pinkocommi

      I sincerely wish you the best. A close family member of mine was just diagnosed as bipolar with manic and psychotic episodes at 36. I read the reports about Hughes and my heart goes out not only to the gun violence victims but also Hughes himself (yes I do) and his family. There but for the grace of god/ chance go I.

        1. Boojum

          On the minus, the medications are hit or miss, usually cause weight gain, and can cause various forms of organ damage.

          1. Boojum

            Again, no worries. I'm just being a demon possessed hateful fuckstick, because I love the Lord. :-)

    1. Boojum

      You know, Bobby, demons live in volcanos, which are direct gates to Hell. Who was it again wanting to stop all of the gummint volcano (Hell demon) monitoring, hmmmm???

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Seriously. Have you seen the way she mangles the English language? The devil's getting rusty in his old age.

    1. MittBorg

      Something she ought to know PLENTY about. That's all that bunch of idiots do, attempt to convince their mouthbreathing followers that liberals are the real Hitlers Among Us, yada yada.

  2. Goonemeritus

    I believe in demonic possession what else explains what happened to the Republican Party.

  3. sbj1964

    Really,she's going to go with the devil made him do it?Maybe he did it to impress Jody Foster?

  4. elviouslyqueer

    I would say that K-Lo is possessed by Jonah Goldberg's tumescent penis, but that would be assuming that J-Glo actually has a penis.

    1. OldWhiteLies

      Though it does assume facts not in evidence, let us assume that J-Glo does have said penis.

      What we are then left with is that he has seemingly long been confused about exactly what he should do with it (said penis). And K-Lo isn't helping him with said confusion.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "Demonic infestation is a rare, strange and terrible psycho-spiritual affliction. "

    Actually, this should read "Belief in demonic infestation is a rare, strange and terrible psycho-spiritual affliction."

    1. Oblios_Cap

      o/t, but Actor apparently had surgery (according to his website) and has a hole in his head back. That's gotta hurt!

      1. HistoriCat

        I know that skull-fucking is frowned upon but do we have any rules on other kinds of fucking?

          1. HistoriCat

            Sorry dude – that sounds … uncomfortable? Frightening? Something I don't want to think about too much? Yeah, one of those.

        1. MittBorg

          I'm so sorry, dude. I wish there was something I could do to help, but I got rid of all my heavy-duty pain meds. I could tell you a story.

          1. actor212

            Actually, I'm fine. It was superficial surgery, basal cell carcinoma and I barely need tylenol. And not even the cool Canadian "three" kind. I was a little concerned because of where it was (below the water line, if you catch my drift, and I don't sunbathe, especially not nude)

            In fact, if anything, the fucking stitches itch like a motherfucker. But thanks!

            The facial ones, those I needed the Vicodin for, and got it.

          2. MittBorg

            Glad to hear that. I might tease you sometimes, but I care about you just as much as I care about all our other good Wonketteers.

            I take it this means the facial ones were in the past, and you're all recovered from those? Here's hoping none of them recur, and you live a long and healthy life annoying the shit out of conservatives and Republicans.

  6. Hera Sent Me

    K-Lo has been driven mad by being possessed by Frigidius – demon lord of not getting any.

  7. el_donaldo

    Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis. Even then, it is a slippery question. We are dealing with a reality that is rubbery.

    Slippery? Rubbery? Evil? Ten to one, someone finds Father Longenecker lubed and dildoed up in a latex gimp suit before next year is out.

    1. SorosBot

      He's a Catholic priest; his likely sexual activities are much more vile and harmful than that.

      1. bobbert

        He's a Catholic priest who started out as an Anglican priest, but apparently was pining for the OG crazy.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      And just who is qualified to give this "detailed diagnosis"? Oh, I know! Let's ask the pedophile crime syndicate in Vatican City!!

    3. OldWhiteLies

      Wait, this Longnecker is a Friar. Don't they have different rules than Priests and Monks? Mebbe Slippery Rubbery Evil is cool if one is a Friar.

      EeDit: And if that isn't one of the best names for a group of middle-aging, girth-enlargened, [moderately-demonically-themed] bubblegum-rock revivalist guys, whom have chosen spandex for stage wear, I'm at a loss to find better. Slippery Rubbery Evil

        1. SorosBot

          With that? Fuck no. Besides, I've got a girlfriend and I don't think she's appreciate that.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Reminds me of the journalistic integrity portrayed on the Simpsons by Kent Brockman when he says " I'm not saying the cat burgler is a supernatural monster, like the wolfman. But he could be"

    2. MittBorg

      Oh, Mumblety! There isn't enough ROOM for a demon in KLo's head! It's full of flapping pink butterflies and little glittery hearts dotted on i's.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I'm fisting this up to "5." Above you are replies with 6,6, 6 pee's in turn. Beware, the Beast draws near! Somebody out there, plz *thwack* MB once more making it 4 six's, so we can negate the fateful outcome portended by this numerological voodoo spell!

      1. sullivanst

        Aren't those homophones? Homonyms have the same spelling.

        Sorry for making an ad homonym attack.

          1. MittBorg

            I was hoping for more of a reaction. Ya work SO hard to get people's panties in a bunch, and … Wonketz, I expected more of ya!

          2. sullivanst

            Yeah, you might have more luck getting Wonk panties bunched using a sockpuppet, you're just too loveable otherwise.

      1. RadioBowels

        And she would have no problem with that label as she is not PC and would take offense at "satiety impaired."

  8. ChernobylSoup

    I blame Satan for neckties, wind chimes, girls who wear shoes with chunky heals, golfers, and the Star Wars prequels. But to blame him for the violence in this world is just silly.

    1. emmelemm

      Some short girls just really like to wear chunky heels. (Cause we can't walk on the pointy ones.)

      What's yer damage?

      1. DemmeFatale

        I don't get that.
        I know, at 5'8," I don't understand, cause short girls in chunky high heels don't look taller to me. They just look like they are TRYING to be taller (and their ankles look too thick).

        1. bobbert

          Tokyo. Thousands of nearly-identical-height Japanese girls in four-inch platforms. Which makes them all 5'5".

          Actually, it's kinda cute, as I recall.

  9. SheriffRoscoe

    Yesterday it was all a part of a government conspiracy to take away our guns. Today it's Beelzebub. Damn mutherfuckers are crazy, y'all.

  10. Goonemeritus

    I can’t see any harm in classifying mental illness as demonic possession, what could possibly be the downside?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    The saddest thing here is that there are people out there who actually follow this woman's twitter account.

  12. Fraudulently_Joe

    That depends, the one definitive piece of evidence is this: did he make the homosex? Everyone knows that demons enter through the anus, via the P.E.N.I.S, and its wrigglings, that is simply a medical fact.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    We are dealing with a reality that is rubbery.

    When did priests begin using rubbers?

  14. SmutBoffin

    As long as Wonket is accepting stupid theories:

    Did CIA mind-control lasers drive Holmes to shoot people? Maybe!
    Was it because of Twinkies? Delicious, golden cakes with creme filling? Maybe!
    Could it be Holmes was from the future and was attempting to warn us about something (aliens)? Maybe!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I think your last one is it. James Holmes is Kyle Reese, and he was shooting up the theater to try and stop the Terminator. He failed, and it's still out here somewhere, and it will not be stopped.

      1. emmelemm

        No pity, no remorse… can't be reasoned with, can't be bargained with…

        Wait, am I talking about Republicans? Yes. Yes I am.

      2. Boojum

        No, no! He shot at the Terminator as IT was shooting up the theater! It's a government frame up!

        1. MittBorg

          You *do* realize that *that's* the latest conspiracy theory, right? I've had to boot several people I used to follow on Twitter because they're having multiple orgasms over every little detail of the case.

  15. SorosBot

    Maybe he was possessed by demons; or maybe a Death Eater compelled him to commit the massacre using the Cruciatus Curse.

    1. HistoriCat

      You don't use a Cruciatus Curse to compel someone. An Imperius Curse is much better for controlling someone.

      1. SorosBot

        Dammit, you're right; I should have looked that up first. Now I'm hanging my geek head in shame.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Some people say that religion's last bit of usefulness to society is that it can provide a vague, if transient, bit of comfort in times of incomprehensible crisis in peoples' personal lives.

    Thus it comes as a relief to see K-Lo and Mr. Longneck disabuse everyone of this sordid and freakish notion.

    1. tessiee

      OT, but I have even more poor quality cell phone photos of that flycatcher bird (at one point, there were TWO of them perched on my bird feeder!). If you send an email address to my email address, or post a modified email address here, I will gladly send the pictures to you from my phone.

        1. tessiee

          But my dear Cat in the Cat Hat, as nice as those were, none of them had an email. Is there any other way I can send pictures from my phone, or somehow send them to your flickr page?
          Sorry to be so un-tech-savvy.

    2. chicken_thief

      It's the root beer barrels that don't taste like Stewart's and scrape the roof of my mouth that really causes me concern.

      1. DemmeFatale

        And what is red color supposed to taste like?
        Cherry? Strawberry? Raspberry? Huh?
        At least yellow (blech!) sorta tastes like lemon (or lemon floor cleaner).

      1. FlownOver

        Worse yet, the ubiquitous replacement of lime with "sour apple," a "flavor" previously created only by mistake with an A.C. Gilbert chemistry set.

  17. Callyson

    Is Kathryn Jean Lopez demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis. Even then, it is a slippery question. We are dealing with a reality that is rubbery. In many ways this is the wrong question. Better to ask, “Was Kathryn Jean Lopez taken over by Evil?”

    Yes.

  18. Ducksworthy

    Hmm. So now K-Lo is suggesting Aurora was her uncle at work? I suspect some underlying child abuse issues.

  19. TribecaMike

    Grand Inquisitor Tomas de Torquemada may have been a batshitcrazy mass murderer, but at least he didn't write like a fan boy.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    I came for the cool Batmotorcycle, Bain mumbling, guns and explosions. And all I got was a lousy demonic possession.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Definitely schizophrenic, delusional, and bat-shit crazy.

      Oh wait … were you asking about Holmes?

      1. Boojum

        Hey, can I sell you my soul? See, I'm not using it, and I thought you might have some interest.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          It's not like there's a shortage … but if your put it up on eBay I'll be happy to bid.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Private placements are managed through Faustian Negociants LLC, a wholly-owned susidiary.

  21. widestanceromance

    Snarky: I have nothing but fond memories of my youthful schizophrenia. It was classic and timely!

    Snark-free: I lived with a self-medicating (alcohol) schizophrenic for too many years and have stories you would not believe. I'm glad I got to live, but to this day wonder if he is waiting around a corner ready to kill me.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Either that or the pig in the basement where all the blood is on the walls. What the heck, is it really stupid fucking asshole people day? Just everywhere all over?

  22. ElPinche

    Ug….she needs to stop eating 4 tiers of Oreos before she writes these pieces of shit.

  23. jodyleek

    Or, maybe he was raped by a priest as a child and that's what caused him to perpetrate such evil? Just asking questions. It would be irresponsible not to.

  24. BoatOfVelociraptors

    What else might have happened to the mild mannered science geek?

    The football team.

  25. ph7

    Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis

    Are you fucking kidding me?

    1. LesBontemps

      I'd love to see this guy's differential diagnosis:

      "Hmm, could be schizophrenia, antisocial/histrionic personality disorder, delusional disorder, drug-induced psychosis, organic brain disease, or demonic possession. I'm gonna have to go with demonic possession as most likely."

  26. Blueb4sinrise

    Geez, I've been waiting to post this
    From
    Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter
    By Mario Vargas Llosa, translated by Helen R. Lane

    One night a peasant had frightened another peasant half to death by disguising himself as a "pishtaco"- a devil- and leaping out at him from the middle of a canebrake. The victim of the joke had been so scared out of his wits that he'd attacked the "pishtaco" with his machete, dispatching him to the next world with a skull split in two., and taken to the hills. Shortly thereafter, a group of peasants leaving a fiesta had come upon a "pishtaco" prowling around the village and beaten him to death. The dead man turned out to be the murderer of the first "pishtaco," who was in the habit of disguising himself at might in the guise of devils to visit the community, where two of them had already been hacked to death with machetes by the terror-stricken villagers, who in turn, et cetera….

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Sigh, for once I try to raise the level of discourse and add some CULTCHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this is what I get.

      wiki–

      According to folklore, it is an evil monster-like man, often a stranger and often a white man, who seeks out unsuspecting Indians, to kill them and abuse their bodies in disgusting ways, primarily by stealing their body fat for various nefarious cannibalistic purposes or cutting them up and selling their flesh as fried chicharrones. Pishtaco is derived from the local language Quechua word: "pishtay" which mean to "behead, cut the throat or cut into slices"

  27. SorosBot

    Father Longenecker's next piece: Every Catholic Priest who ever molested a child, and every member of the hierarchy that covered it up, were possessed by demons at the time and so none of them were responsible and you can't hold any of them or the Church legally or morally culpable.

    1. mavenmaven

      no, they prefer to blame the sixties and the liberals for that. And all those hippies.

    2. mrpuma2u

      That does mean they have to be ritually purified though. I think a cross shaped brand will stop any further demonic intrusions.

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    You'd think that if Satan was going to possess someone in order to wreak some havoc, he'd just go balls-out and possess a world leader that had a nuclear arsenal at his disposal.

  29. SmutBoffin

    We now take you LIVE to the 9th circle of Hell, where Beelzebub denies allegations that he was involved in the Aurora shooting…

    [Q]
    "…No…I wasn't supposed to possess anyone on that date, though I'll have to check with my scheduler. Asmodeus was on call that day…could be him?

    [Q]
    I know what Ms. Lopez said. Look, I spend most of my time these days modeling for metal album covers. Not as big a take as it used to be, but I need to get by. NRO is just paying GOTCHA here.

    [Q]
    No, look, those photos were taken by paparazzi and willfully misinterpreted since it makes a good story in OK magazine. Lindsey [Lohan] and I are just friends, got it.

  30. Fraudulently_Joe

    Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis.

    NO IT'S NOT. IT IS EXTREMELY EASY TO SAY, BECAUSE DEMONS ARE NOT REAL.

  31. OldWhiteLies

    Hey, it is really simple.

    If my doG didn't do it, then that other horned dood in the red jumpsuit did. Cuz there are really only two options, amirite?

    And of course Eeevyl is spelled with a capitol E, excepting if it is the last word in the last sentence of my exposé – because Eeevyl confuses me like that, cuz, well, cuz reality is rubbery, so just shut up.

    1. chicken_thief

      You know how else you can spell evil? That's right – B-A-R-A-C-K H-U-S-S-E-I-N O-B-A-M-A, that's fucking how.

    2. Iam_Who_Iam

      Yeah, but I'm confused. I thought the other day they were saying God did it because of us killing all the innocent babies. Who keeps the score card on smites vs. evils?

  32. Serolf_Divad

    So is K-Lo saying that he's not responsible for his actions? Because that's going to go over….. oh, so well in right-wing nutjob land.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Someone should tell her that in this situation, possession is not 9/10 of the law.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Congrats, you guys both just added a week to your stay in purgatory with those puns. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

  33. BoatOfVelociraptors

    See, this is what happens when god casts out the devil. He could have just sent a card "Dear Lucifer, I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Please come back", attached to some flowers and BOOM! Everything's good.
    But NOOOOO, He has to go pal around with the devil and ruin Job's life, granting the devil exclusive rights to the souls of all non-raptured-americans.

  34. tessiee

    "Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis."

    No, it is not impossible to say.
    It is extremely easy to say.
    No, James Holmes is not demon possessed.
    Demons do not exist.
    Anyone who believes otherwise is a very stupid and/or mentally ill person.
    That is all.

    *brushes palms together to indicate a fait accompli*

    1. Generation[redacted]

      …without a detailed diagnosis

      Christ on a fucking fuck, what kind of detailed diagnosis do they have in mind? Drill holes in his head to see if the demon escapes?

  35. tessiee

    I noticed that there are no comments in this thread from Biel ze Bubba.
    Coincidence?
    I think perhaps not.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I have an office on K street. We'll be pretty busy, up until the first week of November.

  36. user-of-towels

    The term "Interesting Piece" should never be juxtaposed with "Kathryn Jean Lopez." Never.

    Now I'm ill.

  37. Self-Uploader

    Schizophrenia versus demonic possession?
    How is that any different from say evolution versus create design?
    I mean who can say why the tides rise? Teach the controversy.
    Oh yeah, and second amendment as holy writ.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Well, it is a religion that reveres a man that hears voices in his head, drags his kid up a mountain to slit his throat, changes his mind, comes back to the tribe, and forces everyone to whip out their dick, while he whips out his knife.

      Chop Chop!

  38. tessiee

    With all due modesty, this is a cliche unworthy of my/our intellect/s…

    but Ms. Lopez really, *really*, needs to get down to the adult novelty store and buy one of the fanciest, most state of the art, vibratin'-est, vibrators they sell.

  39. Terry

    "Some say the demonic Joker drove Heath Ledger to kill himself."

    Some say that you can find a fool to say most anything.

    1. SorosBot

      So in Catholic-land, I guess the Joker is actually real and a demon instead of a disfigured homicidal maniac, and I guess he must have appeared to Bill Finger and Jerry Robinson in a dream or vision or something like that.

  40. chicken_thief

    "…Even then, it is a slippery question."

    And we all know how them priests love it when it's slippery…

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Occam's Razzer? Is that like a Bronx cheer, for when somebody picks the most complicated, preposterous and unlikely explanation?

  41. iburl

    "The human person is an intricate organism in which the physical, mental and spiritual aspects are totally interwoven."

    As opposed to the corporate person? They are infallable.

    I would agree that the "physical, mental and spiritual aspects are totally interwoven" insofar as the physical brain is where fantasies about evil spirits, demons, angels and ghosts are created.

  42. Mittens Howell, III

    Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as Demons.

    Holmes was acting under orders from a pack of deranged unicorn puppet-masters.

    Next time you see a glitter encrusted rainbow, be scared. Be fucking scared.

  43. littlebigdaddy

    Do Mormons believe in demons? Just wonderin' Need to keep my wingtards straight.

  44. BlueStateLibel

    The devil is clearly too busy taking over bankers' souls to be bothered with some wackjob in Colorado.

  45. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I bet she thinks those "Paranormal Activity" movies actually happened, too.

  46. bravo_sierra

    I hope the defense goes with "Satanic possession." Religious conservatives would work themselves into a frothy lather having to choose between admitting there's no such thing as Satan and losing out on the opportunity to send the guy to the gas chamber.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Umm … if history teaches anything, it's that religious types don't see this as an "either-or" proposition.

  47. Antispandex

    I don't know, I look at Malkin, Bachmann, Palin, Limbaugh…it's hard to NOT believe in demon possession.

  48. MittBorg

    Fuck these people. The rest of the world is preparing to move into the 22nd century, and they're still clinging to superstitious shit that a CHILD can see through. Just fuck 'em. I'm almost pissed off enough to wish something unfortunate on 'em. Like, if there IS a god, I hope it manifests its presence and godliness by dumping giant buckets of poop all over these assholes.

    Oh,yeah, and SOMEbody PLEASE buy that silly bitch a Hitachi Magic Wand, or wutever those things are. Girl hasn't had any in so long, her brain's starting to turn, like cheese.

  49. Doktor Zoom

    I read Mark Vonnegut's The Eden Express years ago, all about the author's experiences with schizophrenia in his 20's (among other things, his conclusion that we are all at the mercy of brain chemistry led his dad, Kurt, to write Breakfast of Champions). I don't remember a lot of it, except that one of his hallucinations involved "Nixon fucking chickens."

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I tried to read it when a friend loaned me a copy — at the time, '93 or something it had gone out of print — and found I couldn't take to the prose style. But it deepened my appreciation for Papa Vonnegut and what the parent's experience of contending w/ one's child's struggle with this must involve.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I read that book over 30 years ago, and I can't for the life of me remember if it was "Nixon-fucking chickens" or "Nixon, fucking chickens."

  50. larrykat

    If that's the case, with the 100s of thousands dead in Iraq and Afghanistan, GW Bush must have had Satan himself fucking him right up the ass.

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Nah, when a real American does it, it's ANGELS fucking them …..errrrrrrrrrr……….wait………, must consult Teh Bibble, I'll get back to ya.

    2. MittBorg

      Over 1 million. The Lancet/Johns Hopkins study of 2006 showed over 600,000 had lost their lives as a result of our little war, and you'll note that the killing, while slacking off some, hasn't really ended since then.

  51. Generation[redacted]

    Clearly our gun control laws need to be updated. We require a background check, why can't we require a check for demonic possession?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Don't forget the html code that pops up a message when you click on "Yes":

        "Are you sure? Federal regulations require you to answer NO before we can ship your grenades, body armor, assault rifle, and 6,000 rounds."
        ____Yes, I am nuts
        ____No, I just want my guns

    1. emmelemm

      Throw holy water on a potential gun-buyer and see if they burst into flames.

      Sounds reasonable to me.

  52. KeepFnThatOwl

    Is James Holmes demon possessed? It is impossible to say without a detailed diagnosis.

    I'm not an expert, but I can say.

    NO HE FUCKING WELL IS NOT.

  53. poorgradstudent

    To be fair, demonic possession would explain his unfortunate hairstyle choices…

  54. rickmaci

    Wouldn't that mean that everyone who buys a gun is a target of Satan and if that is the case, wouldn't it be ok to have everyone who buys a gun go through an exorcism before they can leave with their weapons? Guns don't kill people, people possessed by Satan kill people. Got to take a break. My brain is on K-Lo overload. Hahahahaha.

  55. glamourdammerung

    I am not sure why Lopez would suggest this as there has been nothing to indicate he was a Republican.

  56. Typodong3

    Ah please that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard. Holmes didn't kill those people because he was possessed by the devil. He killed those people because he was mind-controlled by the Illuminati/Cabal. Sheesh.

  57. cultjampro

    Don't scoff. There's a new short film about the Bobby Jindal exorcism at Brown University titled Ivy League Exorcist: The Bobby Jindal Story and you can view it at http://cultjampro.com/ Like Bluto said, "Don't cost nuthin'"

  58. smitallica

    "Was he demon possessed? Maybe. It happens."

    No, you superstitious nonsense-believing nitwit. It doesn't.

  59. barto

    Writing like this just confirms that crazy comes in many forms. Nicely done, Kajello, or whatever your nickname is.

  60. Thedongsofwar

    "Whether the twist was through mental illness, some inner wound or some terrible dark intelligence, we cannot say."

    Nah, I'm pretty sure we can say it was not the last one, genius.

  61. Caelan Aegana

    I'm used to grousing about all the confusion about demonic posession and shit, but…

    this mild mannered science geek

    Apparently, studying science automatically makes you a geek, even if you were about to flunk out. This is not even to mention how many science geeks (and not-geeks) I have met who are borderline psycho and/or NOT mild-mannered.

    Mass murderer is not like Spider-man, dudes.

  62. ttommyunger

    Doubt it. Lord Beez has been in the misery business long enough to have advised using an AK instead of an AR, and #4 Buckshot instead of Birdshot. Results would have been much more spectacular.

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