twit

Idiots On Aurora: Pt. Trois(t)

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He looks niceWe are almost perfectly sure Wall Street Journal resident douchebag James Taranto didn’t mean to call down the Vengeance of the Internet last night, when he tweeted about the three women whose boyfriends died shielding them from the fusillade in Aurora, “I hope the girls whose boyfriends died to save them were worthy of the sacrifice.”

Let us repeat that, in case you were skimming that first graf: “I hope the girls whose boyfriends died to save them were worthy of the sacrifice.”

In fact, for serious, we can pretty much see his turgid thought process rolling around his echoing, cavernous skull. His intention, we think, was to sound a wise and somber note; we believe he thought it would be a tender and sensitive tweet for the ages, a noble “tribute” to the heroes who died, the kind of vacuous, pious, pompous thing that everyone says about “heroes” and “the troops,” on the same thought-free but sadly uncontroversial order as a twitchily hand-scrawled Independence Day yard sign we once saw that said “Your freedom belongs to THE TROOPS,” as though our freedoms had not been handed down as inalienable rights from God but instead had been beneficently bestowed by a generous Pinochet or something. My, that rankled!

The fact that Taranto devotes about 40 acres of WSJ column space per year to the perils of feminism and sexual harrassment law, (and like the greatest minds of the 1950s even has a hard-on for The Pill, as if he’s never even heard Loretta Lynn explaining it) makes his tweet more, er, problematic. (WHAT WE ARE SAYING IS THAT JAMES TARANTO DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN.)

A follow-up tweet, mid-shitstorm, tried to plead that he says the same thing every Memorial Day about the nation and its troops — as if calling on a nation to be worthy is the same as calling out three specific women whose boyfriends were quite recently, oh, murdered on top of them.

Well we say, “good on you, James Taranto!” A pre-shaming is probably just what those women needed, before we commit them immediately for like a month of intensive meds and therapy to help work through the feelings of inadequacy and the guilt they would be feeling even without the mitzvah that is James Taranto reminding them! Maybe now they will be able to properly consecrate themselves to their boyfriends’ memory, Miss Havisham style, and, as is only right and proper, never feel joy or comfort again.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb_

    Is that the asshole from Twitter last night? This guy outdid Ann Coulter when she said of the 9-11 widows: "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

    • Mojopo

      He's a terrible writer, but thank goodness he can fall back on his skills as a blowhard.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        So long as sailors still visit NYC, Taranto will be gainfully employed.

      • Barb_

        Rebecca wasn't taking shit off him on Twitter last night either. You are right about the "blowhard" part.

        • Mojopo

          Did she? Is it still on Twitter? Good work, Rebecca!

          • HistoriCat

            If you use Twitter, you NEED to follow Rebecca – it's like getting bonus Wonkette material.

          • Mojopo

            Done – I'm all in.

      • Callyson

        How is he not on FOX yet?

        Or maybe he is…it's not as if I keep up with those assholes…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Trois(t) is pronounced with a twa sound, I take it?

    • glasspusher

      Garage á trois

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Or Helen à Trois.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Troiswaffle, obvs.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      Part Twat.

  • Woodshedding

    If anyone thought it didn't seem to make a difference that Murdoch owns the Wall Street Journal, it's on THEM that this happened to make them open their eyes.

  • sbj1964

    Those guys were not shielding they're girlfriends.They're girlfriends were wearing them like Kevlar jackets.

    • sbj1964

      This is just the same Titanic argument I had with my wife."Would you let yourself drown to save me?"I told her hell no, I would ride her bloated dead body to shore like a surfboard.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "Titanic" presumably now having more than one meaning here.

      • AbandonHope

        That seems rather dishonorable given your avatar; don't you want to get into Sto-Vo-Kor?

        • sbj1964

          I thought that was a Mitsubishi logo?Ka-blah.

          • AbandonHope

            Oh man, you are totally on Fek'lhr's shit list now. (Yes, I am a gigantic nerd.)

    • OneDollarJuana

      Their

  • Hera Sent Me

    Tragedy is a great asshole magnet.

    • commiegirl99

      Rules for Commenting Radicals, Mrpuma. Please try another take.

      • mrpuma2u

        Wise and benevolent Editrix,Please accept my humble apologies.Contritely,Loyal and humbled operative mrpuma2u

  • le petit mort

    Translation: "backdoor beauty?"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey, wait! This is a perfect new trope!

    So anytime an army goes off to fight, it can decide which citizens it will defend!

    "Dude, man, today's battle is for Arkansas. No way man, I'm calling in sick."

  • x111e7thst

    What? Those women might have been total sluts and unworthy of the sacrifice. We all know that so many (most, all) women are.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Except for Taranto, which is what pisses him off

    • hagajim

      I wish.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Christ, what an asshole.

  • The_Lucky_Wife

    Douche bags serve a useful purpose, but James Taranto serves no useful purpose. There is no slur bad enough to describe him.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Enema nozzle?

      Chigger?

      • nounverb911

        Fox Correspondent?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He seems less a douche bag than a colostomy bag.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      The first grub in line to be a meat shield?

      Explanation here: http://gearsofwar.wikia.com/wiki/Meat_Shield

  • tihond

    My favorite conspiracy: Alkaline Trio predicted this with their song "Fuck You Aurora."

  • Allmighty_Manos

    (WHAT WE ARE SAYING IS THAT JAMES TARANTO DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN.)

    Really? Because with a mug like that – not to mention a winning, sensitive personality – you'd think he'd be drowning in trim.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Looks to me like he could have shielded the entire theatre audience all by himself.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus Fucking Christ. What an asshole.

    He is not worthy of the air he breathes.

    Fuck.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    James Taranto isn't worthy of anything other than scorn and herpes.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      If he doesn't get laid, how does he get herpes?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Doorknob?

        Toilet seat?

        • eggsacklywright

          Toilet seat is correct. Those things can jump up to 4 feet, y'know.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        From Scraping the bottom of the barrel with his tongue?

      • SorosBot

        He probably gets laid; he just needs to hire professionals to do so.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Fraudulently_Joe

    Honestly, when people are talking about America, and The Troops, it's still somewhat obnoxious, since an America "worthy" of its troops probably wouldn't deploy so many to die so needlessly in the first place.

    • Tundra Grifter

      FJ: That, my friend, is deep! Deep. Very well said!

  • RadioBowels

    And this will also teach them not to go out without carrying a gun.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Judge-y much?

  • FakaktaSouth

    What exactly is the method one uses to prove oneself to the wretched, judgmental, evil-wrong, dick-bag, cocktarded, women hater James Taranto? I bet he means they should never have sex, not that they should have anyway, since these guys were just their boyfriends, but it's sex isn't it? Your boyfriend died saving you at the movies, don't have sex. EVER AGAIN.

    Miss Havisham is my favorite favorite character ever. I don't like this association here none at all.

    • prommie

      You got it, they should all become Brides of Christ and not just eschew sex themselves, but dedicate their lives to shaming and scolding any women who do have healthy and nomal sex lives.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I wonder if there's a camp for that?

        • prommie

          A madrasssa

      • viennawoods13

        Over to you, K-Lo

    • rickmaci

      LMAO

      Cocktarded=misogynisit ? Winner. Please add to permanent Wonkie lexicon.

  • Goonemeritus

    I don’t attribute my wife’s stated reluctance to take a bullet for me to anything other than my Douchiness.

  • nounverb911

    I bet $10,000 Taranto wouldn't take a bullet for his wife.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey, you know, libertarianism: bitch is on her own in a shootout.

      • KeepFnThatOwl

        Why can christians be opportunistic libertarians about markets and competition and "only the strong survive", but not understand evolution?

    • miss_grundy

      Wait….he HAS a WIFE??????????

    • horsedreamer_1

      "Wife"

  • SorosBot

    What would make one of these women "worthy" in this asshole's eyes? She probably should be completely subservient, with no opinions of her own, always doing all the work of cleaning and cooking, and have been a virgin before and never enjoy the dirty sex herself but just try to please her man. She also should look like a supermodel without ever putting effort into it.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Chaste virgins would be the first thing that would pop into his seedy brain

    • calliecallie

      She should be able to make a good sammich.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “I hope the girls whose boyfriends died to save them were worthy of the sacrifice.”

    Damn straight they were. Them babes could suck the chrome off a trailer-hitch ball.

    • MozakiBlocks

      I've always been partial to the "nails out of a floorboard" phrase.

      And yes this guy is a right fucking asshole.

  • RadioBowels

    At least their uteri are safe.

  • Estproph

    Well, I bet for that tweet his right hand is going to make him sleep in the doghouse!

  • smitallica

    If you went to Hollywood to shop a screenplay that had characters in it EXACTLY like this guy and Gohmert and Bachmann and all the other nutjobs, they would tell you to rewrite it because no one is that comically evil and clueless and callous and stupid in real life.

    Yet here we are.

  • ElPinche

    wow…I sense some MAJOR mommy issues. I'm guessing the only vagina in he's ever seen in his 50 yrs was the one that pooped his douchey ass out.

    • thebeatgoeson

      OMG. I have a love/hate relationship with your avatar! Not sure whether to laugh, cry or vomit…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "(WHAT WE ARE SAYING IS THAT JAMES TARANTO DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN.) "

    Well, look at the guy. You think some woman has ever done for him? Not bloody likely.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    It's not too late (I guess it's conceptually impossible for it ever to be too late) for this puddle of runny poop to resign retroactively; then the WSJ will never have published this grotesque travesty of opinion in the first place.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Fraudulently_Joe

    I assume by "worthy", he means that he hopes they are already pragnant with their boyfriends' babbys, and thus fulfilling their sole purposes in life as women.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    He must really hate his mother. I know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but I'm thinking Oedipus here has some major (and I mean MAJOR) issues with mommy.

  • freakishlywrong

    Dear conservative "media", please stop pretend you're capable of anything other than utter sociopathic responses to any situation that would require a human one. (See: the President). You dickbags.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Taranto to Tarantula: Volume CXIII of An Encyclopedia of Creepy Crawlies."

  • Extemporanus

    Spoken like a man who's never had a girlfriend to save.

    And now, rightfully, never will.

  • Mojopo

    Coffee really gets me moving. But Wonkette can send me from zero to Irate in 3 seconds flat, because they know better than anyone what pisses me off. Taranto is right up there with Gohmert and Hucky. Those guys are more of a "standing on my fingers pain", while this is more of a "crap on my mother" sensation.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    I have a theory that the human race has always had a limited number of IQ points and as the population has increased there are fewer to go around. Mine is 101 and Mr Twat is 1.

  • SorosBot

    I suspect Taranto is one of those men who, were he on the Titanic, would have dressed as a woman to get a spot on the lifeboats.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      How would you tell the difference?

  • Trannysurprise

    “I hope the girls whose boyfriends died to save them were worthy of the sacrifice.”

    Translation: 'I hope these girls were blowing their boyfriends as I am such a tragic piece of shit/puss hole women vomit at the sight of my car."

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I must apologize for the "Just, WOW!" quality of my response to his comment.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I wish I had been on last night, because my only reply would have been "Does your wife know you kiss her with a mouth like that?"

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Guessing Taranto ain't gonna be getting lucky for a couple of millennia. Jimmy Boy, may El Flácido seize your tiny thing forever and ever as it has Rushbo's modest munchkin.

    • Not_So_Much

      Well, probably not with females. Or human females. But that might be just fine with him.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Adipshitsayswhat?

  • Come here a minute

    To be fair, Wall Street Journal resident douchebag James Taranto wants every woman to never feel joy or comfort.

  • barto

    Putz.

  • IncenseDebate

    Now that's a face just begging for a Louisville Slugger.

  • Poindexter718

    Yes Jimbo, let us track these (presumably) ungrateful termagants in a judgmental and highly-public longtitudinal study as they seek to move on with their lives. At their every human stumble or moral failing, let us remind them of their rebirthright until they are cajoled into doing the right thing by throwing themselves onto the bier of the heroes who died for them.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well I just hope James Taranto is worthy of the sacrifice of anyone who sacrificed themselves for — what? You're saying nobody ever sacrificed themselves for James Taranto? Well whaddya know.

  • chicken_thief

    Will it ever occur to that stupid fuck that the boyfriends thought the girl's lives were worth saving and that is all that counts?

  • Not_So_Much

    James Taranto has a confused. Probably been watching "Saving Ryan's Privates" a bit too often.

    • Dildeaux

      Shaving or Saving?

  • eggsacklywright

    This fellow is barf. The end.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Such a dashing, well turned out man should have no trouble with women.
    http://www.alarmingnews.com/archives/James%20Tara

    • TansyJo

      Gah! I didn't know hobbits could leer !

  • Blueb4sinrise
  • IncenseDebate

    Taranto is another great argument for retroactive abortion.

  • mavenmaven

    "girls"

  • Callyson

    I occasionally get solicitations from the WSJ to subscribe. Yeah, maybe I'll send them a copy of this tweet and tell them where they can stick their newspaper.

    Asshole.

  • hagajim

    Delivery for James Taranto….one bag of salted dicks – stat!

  • user-of-towels

    Worse yet, those ladies could have been worthly Wokette skum.

  • rickmaci

    It takes an incredibly high level of dumbass douchbaggery to leave me speechless. Taranto managed to do what even Looney Gohmert couldn't. SMH.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    "… JAMES TARANTO DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN."

    The interesting thing I've discovered about racists is that many of them don't hate black people, what they hate is when black people don't "know their place" and have the temerity to go out and get high-paying jobs and move to nice suburbs and earn PhD's and stuff. Similarly, Taranto probably only hates ambitious women who don't cook and clean for him or give him blow jobs on demand. I'm sure pliant, lobotomized June Cleaver-ish Stepford whores with large breasts, excellent pot roast recipes and low expectations are A-okay with him!

    • BornInATrailer

      I'm pretty darn happy with Mrs. Trailer. But I've got to be honest and say the woman described in your last sentence is not without appeal.

  • UnholyMoses

    Hateful and misogynistic assface is hateful and misogynistic.

    There really isn't a hell horrific enough for these people. There just isn't.

  • Dildeaux

    A recent photo of Taranto revels the reason behind his aversion to wimmens.

    Hint: think doughy pantload

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think we have a winner of the Douche of the Universe award!

    Taranto is an idiot, even by the low standards of the WSJ editorial board. Hell, by the standards of the NRO editorial board. He would like to think he has some knowledge, and tries to be funny, but it is that same sort of labored attempt of humor to an idiot crowd that plagued FOX News vain attempt to rip off the Daily Show a few years back.

    Please, Conservatives, just shut the hell up when you are dealing with peoples lives, and stop trying to be funny, it doesn't work for you. Just keep railing for tax cuts for the rich and telling us that government can't do anything right.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And, really, isn't the question "Is Taranto worthy of this nation?"

    I think the answer is an unequivocal "no".

  • TansyJo

    K-Lo seems to hate women and sex too. May be she and Jimbo can hook up and make hateful, wrong headed, balloon shaped, hairy babies.

  • dennis1943

    One thing is for sure…..HE's not worth it………..

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    that stipple portrait flatters him.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Holy fuck…I wouldn't piss on this dude if he was on fire.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I hope these women, once they recover from the grief of this tragedy, go on to live happy, productive lives.

    This, in itself, would cause such distress to this Taranto idiot.

  • http://thesecondcomingofjeri.blogspot.com Jeri 2.0

    Not to be insensitive or anything, but if they hadn't been such wussies wouldn't these guys shielding their girlfriends have been rushing the gunman to save all of the sluts in the theater? That was what I read yesterday.

    Sorry. I've really had it with these dickwads and their fucking Rambo/Jesus/Jack-the-Ripper mentalities.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Taranto has always been the unwiped asshole of the Wall Street Journal editorial page. When things like Aurora happen, and he opines about it, you tend to wish he had been there – you know – to be the hero I'm sure he would be and take a bullet for a woman.

  • Billmatic

    That guy looks like Patton Oswalt's fat guy voice.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Buh bub buh bahmes buhrahntobe. ~Patton Oswalt's fat guy say his name

  • Guppy

    I'm sure that his habit of making sure he's willing to "make the ultimate sacrifice" for a woman before going on the staple "dinner/movie/make-out" date is what's keeping him single.

  • HippieEsq

    Undeniable truth: If women universally think someone is a loser, said loser will blame women.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Thank you, Josh, for the Ms. Havisham reference. All these years later 10th grade English has paid off.

    oh, and also, Fuck You WSJ douchebag. I'm glad that I had never heard of you before today and hopefully will forget you by tomorrow.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Yes! Somebody was paying attention in high school.

      To the book.

  • BeccaGo
  • TribecaMike

    An hour later he tweeted, "I apologize if my remark was misconstrued by the elites. I only meant that if all the boyfriends in the theater had been armed they could have shot their girlfriends themselves like real men would."

  • anniegetyerfun

    What a dumb suggestion. Women are never worth the sacrifice.

  • docterry6973

    I have avoided the 24/7 'analysis' of the Aurora tragedy, but I understand that there were many people, both genders and all ages, who risked their own safety to help or protect others. So I wish this guy a hearty 'fuck you and the horse you danced in on'.

  • BeccaGo

    Not sure if anyone has seen his "apology" column yet: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443

  • owhatever

    He has problems, the first of which is being dumb as a booger on a doorknob. Kinda looks that way, too.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Save for the comic heroines or hungry birds, Twitter is a blight upon the Internet. Even 4chan is a more valuable fixture.

  • JustPixelz

    Fuck me but if I was in that theatre sans partner and found myself sitting next to an unarmed(!?) Michele Bachmann, I would have stopped strangling her and stood my ground between her and the bullets. (I'm assume she would be doing the same for Marcus.) So fuck me.

  • sati_demise

    He is just begging to be spanked.

  • TribecaMike

    In a perfect world, all Wonkette articles would have at least one Loretta Lynn reference.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Go back to making movies with senseless violence!

  • chascates

    "Worthy of the sacrifice" should only apply to things like the invasion of Iraq and the continued occupation of Afghanistan.

  • KeepFnThatOwl

    Yes, Joe, their boyfriends' blood is on their hands… and faces, and torsos, and legs, and clothing. You're an asshole, asshole. Asshole.

  • GregComlish

    So, yeah, guys, listen, I just got laid last night and again this morning and now I'm chilling in my hotel room. I'm definitely in a good frame of mind to answer this question

    Call me old fashioned, but when I have sex with a woman, I want to do things like protect her and make her happy. Even if she's a bit slutty, I still want to protect her. It's an instinct I've had to learn to moderate in the modern day and age; I don't want to be paying the rent to support some random hookup. But still, if real violence broke out, I would do what I could to protect my partner/girlfriend/hookup from a hail of bullets. If she's worth sticking my cock into, then she's worth defending. That's just the kind of man that I am.

    What kind of "man" is James Taranto? Apparently he's a spiteful inveterate masturbator, the kind of self-hating POS who spends his nights in front of his computer swilling Maalox, grumbling about "unworthy sluts", and angrily jerking off to the fantasy world of internet porn in which he lives vicariously.

  • joobajooba

    Or the widows could spare themselves the burden and jump on their husbands' pyres, as in India.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    pure unadulterated a-hole!

  • KennyCB

    A porcine, myopic slob who has a problem with the ladies? What a surprise.

  • ttommyunger

    Normally, one can't put too much emphasis on physical appearance, but in this case he is actually as douchebaggy as he looks.

  • mosjef

    No comment yet from Taranto's inflatable girlfriend.
    .

  • docteur_giraud

    Is shitzvah a word? Cause that's what Taranto done did.

  • Veritas78

    What's disturbing is that he probably meant this as a supportive, sensitive, upbeat post—trying to find some good in all the bad, giving those lucky women something to strive for in their coming days of emptiness, working to make sure they were worth the sacrifice… Okay, I can't project anymore of this—the guy's mentally ill.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Props on the Havisham reference. In high school, my good friend-still, who finds it a point of pride that he's never read an entire book, wanted me to tell him what happened in … [can't remember name of Dickens book right now…edit: Great Expectations, yeah]. Anyway, I told him that the main character's name is "Pimp" instead of Pip. He didn't believe me at first, but he didn't read the book, so he had to take my word for it. Then I told him about how Pimp was a child molester, and other sordid details. The next week, when we all got our essays back except my friend, he went and asked the teacher where his paper was. She glared him down and back to his seat.

  • Barrelhse

    I used a Sharpie to black out his front tooth in the pic. It was really funny until I scrolled down.

  • Neko_Onna

    Everything about this reeks of sexism.

    This all happened in a matter of moments, with bullets flying, in a darkened movie theater. How do we know that the women killed or injured in the attack weren't protecting someone? Because we know some of the men died trying to protect people, we can assume none of the women did? Or the other men? And as I recall, one of the men died protecting a woman AND her brother. That really shatters the whole chivalry theme, doesn't it? And of course, if you were taken out before you knew what was happening, or if you didn't have someone to protect, or couldn't protect them, or if the whole thing was too much and you just sat there unsure of what to do, or hit the floor, that makes you some sort of spineless wimp. According to this self-appointed Mouthpiece of the Patriarchy, that is.

  • Fluffy_Kitties

    Want to know a quick way to survey the internet for coverage of this story? Simply type "James Taranto asshole" into your web browser and let Google do the work…

  • thetimchannel

    It would be imprudent to rush to the defense of the women until after the results of their vaginal ultrasounds comes in. Enjoy.