twinkle twinkle

Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert Casts Aspersions On Potency Of John McCain’s Scrotum

Look, his head is like a dick!Yes, you are the newest supernova in the Wonket Cavalcade of Stars, Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, but are you burning too bright? Having just in the past week joined in Michelle Bachmann’s search for Arabs under the bed, and then gotten it just right with his explanation that Aurora was caused by Jealous Jeebus, Louie Gohmert is now calling out John McCain for not hating Muslins enough, and questioning the fullness of his sac full of swimmers. But at least he has not called for McCain to take “a final dirt nap” — you know, a dirt nap OF VOTES!

From Raw Story:

“Well, it’s obvious that John McCain didn’t even read the letter because of what he said in accusing Michele and us of making these horrible accusations,” Gohmert told conservative radio host Dennis Miller on Tuesday.

“And I wish some of these numbnuts would go out and read the letter before they make these horrible allegations about the horrible accusations we’re making.”

“Numbnuts.” So gauche. What should Louie Gohmert have called John McCain instead?

* Coffin-dodger.

* Godzilla Arms.

* Miss Mavis.

* That trollop.

* That cunt.

[RawStory]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Numbnuts, no. Walnuts, yes.

    • SmutBoffin

      HEY JOHN MCCAIN GOT THOSE NUMB NUTS IN THE 'NAM GOMER

  • nounverb911

    Well, Gohmert would know.

  • sbj1964

    I would never buy a used car from this guy.WTF Look at him! Ped-O-phile written all over him.What a Douche.Texas I should have known.

  • mrpuma2u

    Gohmert-pyle of shit is a shithead.

  • ChernobylSoup

    "John McCain is as yellow as the margins on Wonkette."

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I had to adjust the brightness of my screen but I think the damage to my eyes had already been done. By Gohmert's pic, I mean.

  • tbogg

    Palin Picker

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Harsh.

  • nounverb911

    What does Gohmert call Marcus?

    • Beowoof

      A date.

    • Geminisunmars

      Aurelius?

    • Radiotherapy

      A fag.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Mom.

    • CleverSobriquet

      Frequently. Oh Sorry, that's when not what.

    • Callyson

      Easy.

    • va_real

      Darling.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

      Marky Mark and his Funky Buttmunch

      • emmelemm

        I like this. Also, I am 12.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

          That's strange. I was going to add something to the effect of "sometimes I channel a twelve-year-old's sense of humor" to that post but didn't. I'm glad I was old when I was young–no goddamn fun. Now I get to be a kid again! Buttmunch and farts and the basest of humorz!

    • Not_So_Much

      Faaaaabulous!

    • Boojum

      Oh God!

    • RedneckMuslin

      A lot.

    • emmelemm

      A good time?

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Hot lips?

    • tessiee

      "Mistress Bachman"?

    • OKthennext

      A bottom.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Natalie?

  • Beowoof

    Louie, people who live in glass houses should not be using an Uzi, firing out the windows.Calling other people numbnuts, when you are their king is just pushing the boundaries of bad taste. And as I sure McCain would say, "fuck off chrome dome".

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    George Jefferson, but without the stabilizing Weezie influence.

    • nounverb911

      George moved up to that big apartment in the sky today.

    • ph7
  • commiegirl99

    Rules for Commenting Radicals, BARB.

    • Barb_

      I sincerely apologize and shall delete.

      • commiegirl99

        Bummer, now I can't spank you. :(

        • Barb_

          I can find other reasons to get you to pull down my white cotton panties, exposing my lightly freckled behind as I lay across your lap…..

          Fed Ex man is here! Sorry that I can't finish this.

          • tessiee

            "my lightly freckled behind"

            If your tushie has freckles, it can only be because you have bared it to the noonday sun, so you ARE a naughty Barb.

          • Barb_

            Tessie, I live in the desert and in high altitude. You freckle easily, lol.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

          Whoa– is Barb on notice?

          • Barb_

            I got me a time out and only half a root beer flavored Popsicle.
            The good news is that I watched Becca Lou eat the other half. It's all good.

            What I said was really pathetic and she was right.

          • RedneckMuslin

            Pathetic posts are the best posts.

          • emmelemm

            I *love* rootbeer popsicles. Haven't had one in a while…

          • Nostrildamus

            root beer flavored popsicle

            The aforementioned Fed Ex guy?

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

            Brown can do a lot, apparently. Wait–that's UPS. nevermind.

          • Barb_

            The Fed Ex guy thinks that he "absolutely, positively has to be here overnight." Wait, did I get that right?

        • Tundra Grifter

          Can I watch? Quietly from the corner, of course.

      • ElPinche

        Barb is a bad girl.

        • Barb_

          Yes I am, El Pinche. Luckily, the Fed Ex man delivered a book on party manners for me and I am going to read it.

          • ElPinche

            Sure…my wife calls 50 Shades of Grey a "party manners" book , too. ;)

          • TonytheFeline

            Hopefully he can send you another one about humility.

          • Barb_

            No TonytheFeline, I don't need a book on humility. Rebecca pointed it out to me, I deleted the post, I apologized, I admitted that she was right and that is good enough.

          • TonytheFeline

            I'm sorry, Barb! You are my favorite commenter anyway :):):):):):):):):):):):):) tell me about your day and life and stuff?

          • commiegirl99

            Hi there! Leaving this up so people can see what kind of shithead-for-no-reason comments will get a person banned.

            Oh, and by the way: You're banned.

            If you don't like someone talking about personal stuff, don't click their threads. Everybody else enjoys it. You're out.

          • Guppy

            I would have figured the name alone would merit a scorched earth policy…

          • AbandonHope

            I really, really, really like the ruthless you. Please keep this up.

          • Boojum

            Speaking only for myself, and a large majority of the commenters, we would greatly appreciate the continuation of story time, so rudely interrupted by the FedEx man from Porlock.

            To reprise, Barb, you were saying something about "lightly freckled behind" and ACTION!

        • SmutBoffin

          I made this same joke (desperate wish?) back in the Ken Layne days (and about Dick Cheney). I am bad too I guess.

          • HistoriCat

            You're just trying to get the Editrix to spank you retroactively.

        • RedneckMuslin

          Bad girls are the best girls.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Are we allowed to skullfuck Louie Gohmert full OF VOTES? or is that still against the rules?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

    And I wish some of these numbnuts would go out and read the letter

    Yeah, a "letter" equivalent to a chain email forwarded to a bunch of aol subscribers.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Haven't heard Palin's take on this kerfuffle; she's stuck between a numbnuts and a crazy place.

  • ph7

    Gohmert told conservative radio host Dennis Miller .

    Well, finally some good news. Dennis Miller is no longer a comedian.

    • nounverb911

      Was he ever?

      • Radiotherapy

        Not since the Peloponessian War.

      • SorosBot

        He was good back on the Saturday Night Live golden age, before he went nuts – and most of his material was written by Al Franken.

        • glasspusher

          Kind of like Chevy Chase, but with less talent and self awareness…and that's saying something.

    • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

      Was he ever? I know one thing for sure. He almost made me hate MNF. Almost.

  • CrunchyKnee

    People actually vote for idiots like this guy. It staggers the mind.

    • Estproph

      Gohmert's IQ of 90 makes him the smartest guy in the room full of people with IQs of 85.

    • va_real

      I don't think they voted for HIM, they voted for the (R) after his name.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

        He's a registered trademark of the GOP.

        • glasspusher

          Idiots vote for people like this guy

    • Beowoof

      Well he is from Texas, where critical thinking is now out of the curriculum. Does it show?

      • Jennyjen798

        He's from East Texas. You don't want to know what goes on out there…

        • glasspusher

          Subtraction: addition's tricky pal.

        • HistoriCat

          West Louisiana or South Arkansas?

          • Jennyjen798

            West Louisiana.

            When I was a youngin' I was offered a college scholarship to a dance team in that area. I went to visit the school and promptly headed right back to Dallas. I'd rather be in the barrio then spend several years in the Texas pines with ass-backwards shit for brains. Plus I probably would have been raped then drug behind a truck; because you know, uppity brown liburul whore always prancing around in short dance skirts. Totally asking for it, ya know.

          • HistoriCat

            One of the big benefits of having kids is that now we stay at home for the holidays instead of visiting my wife's relatives in East Texas.

            I'm thinking you made the right call about that scholarship – at Wonkette we prefer our uppity brown liburul whores always prancing around in short dance skirts to be unraped.

          • Jennyjen798

            And still in one piece might be pretty swell too. :P

          • HistoriCat

            I thought about going with “intact” but didn't want to sound like James Taranto.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It buggers the imagination.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Blech … Louie Gohmert and Dennis Miller together, there's a pair of low-hanging crusty ball sacks swinging in the breeze.

    • va_real

      Ewwwww- I just threw up a little in my mouth.

    • rickmaci

      They must have been Tea Bag'n each other?

    • hagajim

      Truck Nutz?

  • sudsmckenzie

    "Martina Heeengis"

  • anniegetyerfun

    Didn't someone take a look at that headshot and say, "No, no. Mr. Gohmert, we really need to reshoot this."?

    • Guppy

      with votes!

      Oh, you mean the other kind of "shoot."

    • Tundra Grifter

      Apparently grass doesn't grow on a busy street.

      Or – in Louie Gomer's case – a dead end one.

    • hagajim

      That's prolly the best your gonna get from a dickhead like Louie.

    • tessiee

      It's even worse than you suspect; that was the best picture of the photo session.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroomba

    His 'professional' photos always look like head shots for a Hee-Haw audition.

    • va_real

      Minnie Pearl's hat would vastly improve the look.

    • tessiee

      That's because he conjures up that creepy/doofy smile by thinking about Santorum without his sweater vest.

  • Ducksworthy

    Well Gol-lee!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Remember the episode where his buddies made fun of the female marine?

      "Why – I bet she has a TATOO!"

      How times have changed…

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Tell us more about reading the whole thing and context and stuff Louie.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    It's a pity Gohmert went into politics, he could have made a fortune as a Dunce Cap Supermodel.

  • SayItWithWookies

    John McCain's a lot of things, but tolerant of abuse is not one of them — I wouldn't be surprised if he goes all Don Corleone and Gohmert wakes up with a horse's ass in his bed some morning real soon. And I'm not just talking about the one he sees in the mirror every morning.

    • Beowoof

      Wow, he would put Sarah in bed with Louie. Well it is every right wing dudes fantasy so enjoy Gomer.

  • mavenmaven

    numbwalnuts, or walnumbnuts? Better than gohmerthead.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I can't believe I'm defending Walnuts, but he spent five FIVE FIVE FIVE!!!!! FUCKING YEARS in the Hanoi Hilton.

    What have you done Louie?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6nR7mgjfmE

    • commiegirl99

      FIVE AND A HALF YEARS MANCHU.

      • Thurman Munster IV

        FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN, Commiegirl

    • Beowoof

      Well aside from regular fapping to pics of Sarah and Ayn Rand, not much.

  • BarryWDC

    Oh, sweet Jeebus…John McCain's scrotum is just a mental image that I cannot tolerate!!

    • nounverb911

      Better get used to it if you're going to hang around here.

    • Beowoof

      I have personally found Rex Goliath Cabernet is an effective brain bleach.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Geezer McWeezer?

  • Nostrildamus

    Gohmert thinks he'll silence criticism this way because reading is really hard.
    Only for you, Louis.

  • fartknocker

    The stupid is strong in Louie Gohmert's world.

  • SmutBoffin

    "…conservative radio host Dennis Miller…"

    [shiver]

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Notice no one calls him "comedian" anymore.

    • Beowoof

      Yes, Dennis has now crossed over completely to the dark side. I watched about 5 minutes of his HBO special the big speech and I think he really misses his writers.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dude looks like a Southern Baptist preacher with Catholic priest tendencies.

  • Nostrildamus

    Gohmert – what a musical name. I could say it all day.
    Gohmert, Gohmert, Gohmert, Gohmert !!!

    • tessiee

      Say it soft and there's weasels playing,
      Say it loud and it's almost like spraying,
      Gohmert, I just met a jackass named Gohmert…

      • viennawoods13

        Ok, that made me snort.

  • Schmannnity

    All my asses live in Texas.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      That's why I live in Tennessee? Wait. Uhm, Alaska? Shoot. How about Arizona? Don't have the papers for that. Well, Florida it is!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Numbnuts, you say? It's another proud moment in the history of political discourse in the greatest democracy on earth. Thanks, Louie!

  • Callyson

    What should Louie Gohmert have called John McCain instead?
    * Coffin-dodger.
    * Godzilla Arms.
    * Miss Mavis.
    * That trollop.
    * That cunt.

    Um, am I really first with this…AOTK!

    (I don't care if AOTK is out of style, it's a classic…)

    • Not_So_Much

      "Anal Only, Thanks Kunt"?

    • SorosBot

      Plane-crasher?

    • Barrelhse

      His college fraternity?

  • SorosBot

    Unfortunately, while normally a geriatric like McCain would be a numb-nuts, today we have the horror of Viagra and other medicines which overturn the natural order and allow gross old men to get it up.

    • MissTaken

      Sure, he can get his penis up. But his arms, they stay limp.

      • SorosBot

        The same goes for Bob Dole.

  • Callyson

    “Numbnuts” is derogatory slang term that mostly likely originated in the U.S. military. It is often used to to describe an ignorant person, but it can also imply cowardice, sterility or impotence.

    Ah, so I can't use "numbnuts" interchangably with "wingnuts," since the latter seem to proliferate like rabbits, at least within the Republican Party. Good to know…

  • gullywompr

    Michele sure knows how to pick 'em, don't she?

  • Nostrildamus

    McCain could crush Gohmert using only his nuts.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Crushed nuts?That happens when you crash planes.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I see you are imagining the effect of the g forces from multiple ejections.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Remember when Rush said that he'd rather vote for Hillary than McCain? Thems peoples hate his guts already (because he's a veteran like John Kerry, Jimmy Carter etc. so he can't be a true conservative like Reagan and G. Dubya)

  • SorosBot

    And so, as was the case when Walnuts was nearly excommunicated for not hating on Mexicans enough, the greatest sin in wingnut land is not being a horrible racist bigot.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Popping popcorn, waiting for Walnuts explosion…

  • Not_So_Much

    What's happening with Louie's hair up top? I assume it's all heading back 'South of the Border'?

  • qwerty42

    Rebecca, really! The information used came from Frank Gaffney and if you can't trust that guy with the truth, well, just who can you trust?

  • sullivanst

    Looks like someone just admitted to making horrible accusations, no?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I noticed that too.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, but it's the horrible allegations about the horrible accusations that Gomer is upset about. Stop trying to change the subject!

  • smitallica

    Why do people keep accusing me of saying something by quoting the exact words I said?

  • ChernobylSoup

    McCain hasn't spent 118 years in the Senate for nothing. I reckon the Gohmert fellow is in for a bit of a rough spell.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      As long as McCain can remember that he doesn't like him.

  • subsum

    Louie makes Texas look so Texan it's not even funny.

  • va_real

    They shouldn't have taken his picture while he was practicing talking out of both sides of his mouth.

  • Guppy

    That's funny, he looks nothing like a cunt in that picture…

    • tessiee

      You must not be looking at the same picture as the rest of us.

      • Guppy

        I see a dickhead.

        Is it possible to be both a dickhead and a cunt? Would that then qualify him as transgender?

        • eggsacklywright

          More like hermaphroditism, methinks.

  • Goonemeritus

    If I bore such a striking resemblance to an erect penis I would probably refrain from those allusions.

    • tessiee

      You know how God got revenge on Jeb Bush and Karl Rove for *being* such pigs by making them *look* exactly like pigs?
      I'm thinking it's something similar for Louie, only replace "pig" with "dickhead".

  • LesBontemps

    Will no one think of the Trucknutz?

  • arihaya

    That facial expression is forcing me to think that the honourable congressman is suffering from lack of brain development.

    (see, that's how to avoid the R-word)

  • arihaya

    also Louie Gohmert (R-TX 01) apprently means that he is the first winner of Who Got the Stupidest Head in Texas? competition.

    • tessiee

      Not while Rick Perry is technically alive.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    That head is totally asking for a dog-turd toupee.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Gohmert Pile, S.H.I.T.

    cue the theme: http://youtu.be/_JAA2Unb0B4

  • rickmaci

    As long as he is in D.C., there is a village in Texas that is missing its idiot.

  • Come here a minute

    A surveyor's dirt nap, of course!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    “And I wish some of these numbnuts would go out and read the letter before they make these horrible allegations about the horrible accusations we’re making.”

    If I were Mitt Romney, I would just cut out this sentence and run it over and over again and say "SEE?! SEE?! He ADMITS it !!!!".

  • chascates

    He's the new Joe Barton.

    • MosesInvests

      Oily Joe Barton isn't stupid, merely corrupt to the core.

  • chascates

    Frank Bruni has an article on Michele Bachmann which also fits Gohmert to a tee:
    It’s to wonder why we accept her descriptions of herself, and in turn describe her, as a deeply religious woman. That grants too much credence to her particular, peculiar and highly selective definition of piety. And it offends the many admirable people of faith whose understanding and practice of religion aren’t, like hers, confrontational and small-minded.
    Bachmann is an evangelical, and has spoken rhapsodically about the experience of being born again. After that moment, she said, “I absolutely understood sin, and I wanted no part of it.” She plunged into politics nonetheless.
    We routinely place her in the “religious right,” a phrase that frustrates me, tidily linking a certain set of political beliefs with profound devotion. We talk much less frequently of any “religious left,” and that disparity implies that a seriously faithful person is most likely to land on just one end of the political spectrum.
    Bachmann’s on to something: dangerous fundamentalists have indeed set up camp deep inside the capital. She can find one in her office. She need only look in the mirror.
    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/24/opinion/bruni-t

  • glamourdammerung

    What should Louie Gohmert have called John McCain instead?

    Songbird.

  • hagajim

    As much as I hate to say it, Louie is probably correct, in that Walnuts has numbnuts. After all, he'd old and has been around that frigid Cindy for sooooo long now….brrrr.

    • BerkeleyBear

      And oh so blue, since actually fapping is pretty tough when you can barely move your arms.

  • nowave

    Why is Phil Collins so mad at Walnuts?

  • nowave

    Why is Nicolas Cage so mad at Walnuts?

  • AutomaticPilot

    OT, but why do I get the impression that someone is trying to divert attention from a certain blood doping scandal? Hmmm….

  • ElPinche

    His smooth round brainless head is strangely mesmerizing .

    • tessiee

      "It's his skull; it's hypnotic" — Ned Flanders (about Homer Simpson)

  • mosjef

    Dennis Miller never heard any of this, having his head buried up his own ass.

  • tessiee

    "Louie Gohmert is now calling out John McCain for not hating Muslins enough"

    So, Gohmert Pyle thinks Sen. McCain should be more inclined to cast aspersions on Persians?

  • MosesInvests

    Shu-zayum!

  • tessiee

    I confess that I sort of like "Miss Mavis" as a generic nickname for anybody.

  • tessiee

    These people are about two weeks and a bad hair day away from literally eating their young.

  • tessiee

    Knowing absolutely nothing about Louie Louie Gomer, I have only to look at his picture and glance at the article to know that John McCain could crush Louie in one hand like a marshmallow Peep, eat him for breakfast, and shit him out before 10:30 am.

  • TribecaMike

    Nothing five years in a North Vietnamese tiger cage can't cure.

  • Jennyjen798

    Is there a photographer that specializes in dumbass politician poses? Seriously, why would ANY handler say "Oh yes, this one, this photo right here is the one! You look like you've just released that dump you've been holding for the past 30 minutes. This is the one we want your constituents to see!" Picture after picture of dump taking grins. It's sad to think that this is the best that they could get.

  • docterry6973

    McCain is such a good sport about things like this.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Dennis Miller? The Dennis Miller…the Dennis Miller that use to be, you know, Dennis Miller?

    He was funny once and I enjoyed his sub-referencing style of humor. That was, of course, before he dove to the right faster than Brooks Robinson.

    Edit: Ok…maybe he wasn't that funny. Here's a DM reference generator.
    http://wiki.joshuajamesslone.name/tiki-index.php?…

    • HistoriCat

      Upfist for the Brooks Robinson reference.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    From the picture… Doesn't he look like the douchebag that just told someone he was foreclosing on their home?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    See, there are many reasons to hate Gomer Pile of Shit…I think I hate him the most when I feel compelled to defend Walnuts.

    • redarmyzombie

      Truly, it is a sad state of affairs indeed…

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    The only time McCain has felt less respected was that time Cindy pulled a train at the Miss Buffalo Chip contest.

  • CheeseBro69

    Old yeller is the most appropriate nickname for John McCain

  • ttommyunger

    Gomert, Miller and McCain: idiocy just hit a triple-play.

  • Ruhe

    Getting the "Re-Call McCain" bandwagon rolling, Arizona lead teabagger Wes Harris notes that if Huma Abedin is a Muslim then that's all you have to know, Duh! libtards!

    "According to the (Arizona Capital) Times, Harris believes Muslims are incapable of being loyal to the U.S., because he claims that their faith in Islam and the Quran trumps any other allegiance. He also apparently believes Muslims shouldn't be able to serve in the State Department at all."

    “Have you ever read the Quran? I suggest you do so, because anyone that is a Muslim is a threat to this country, and that’s a fact,” Harris told the Times. “There is no such thing as a moderate Muslim. If they are Muslim they have to follow the Quran. That’s their religion and that’s their doctrine.”

    Apparently like many a good Christian Mr. Harris must have skipped right over that part in Luke where Jesus inveighs his followers to turn their backs on everything, family included, in order to follow him. The word" hate" is used in my translation. Pretty strong stuff. If you're supposed to "hate" your family so that you can love Jesus that would pretty much rule out loyalty to any sort of nation/state, right?