EPISTOLARY ROMANCE  6:30 pm July 24, 2012

Dear Barack: WND Has Exposed Our Secret Marriage And I Can No Longer Stay Silent

by Doktor Zoom

One Ring to dupe them all!My Dearest Barry-Bear: I know you told me we could never speak of our love. I know I signed that confidentiality agreement when you ran for the Senate, and, yes, I remember the Secret Service’s little “visits” to my luxurious penthouse apartment when you thought I might show up at the Inauguration. I know about the drones that follow me day and night.

But I can no longer hold my tongue! (Remember how you used to like that?) WorldNet Daily KNOWS, baby. They are on to the truth at last, and I have to say that, difficult though I know the coming days are going to be for both of us, I for one feel a sense of relief. I won’t have to live this lie anymore, won’t have to live in denial about our secret gay marriage in Pakistan in 1988. You were so cute in your burqa, babe! But now, as I used to quip in a totally non-racist way when you had morning wood, “the jig is up”! WND’s Jerome Corsi has been asking some very inconvenient questions about all the many gaps in your supposed history, and now he wants to know why photographs show you wearing a ring on your wedding-ring finger before your 1992 sham marriage to Michelle (Hi, Michelle! No offense, darling, but you know your role in this little charade, and I think it’s high time we all start being Real, you know?)

And now WND has dug up that old parody issue of the Harvard Law Revue with the incriminating “joke” about how one of your “recent accomplishments” was “Deflecting Persistent Questioning About Ring on Left Hand.” As we knew at the time, hiding out in our love nest on the commune, those little grad school jokes were hitting just a little too close to home, weren’t they, lover? I guess I blame myself–after all, I was the one who encouraged you to become editor at the Law Review, and I said nothing when your pals wrote that little fake review article that was full of inside jokes about the mystery of your origins and the arcana of law school. Jerome Corsi knows that, even though the piece is packed with sophomoric humor-like passages, law school students would never stoop to a cheesy pun unless it had far greater significance:

One line of the “self-tribute” said: “I invited my underlings to join me for a ‘pot luck’ dinner at my understated and mature apartment.” The line suggests Obama continued to smoke marijuana through his law school days, despite repeated assertions by his 2008 presidential campaign that he stopped using the drug either after attending Occidental College or after graduating from Columbia in 1982.

I tell you, Bare-Bear, this organization is good. Corsi has clearly been taking lessons from his colleage Jack Cashill, whose close-reading skills rival those of the average 19-year old Comp Lit major. There is no line of text too dense for him to unpack, and I fear that therre is no longer any use in your even trying to hide from the crew of postmodern critics that is WorldNet Daily. They have even sussed out that the ring on your finger cannot possibly be your high school ring! If it is not a high school ring, then what can it be? People do not simply wear rings on their wedding-ring fingers if they are not married! Such a thing is never done, and WND knows this.

Sweet-hunks, it’s clear that WND is on the trail of the truth, now, and it’s time for all of us to come clean. I can no longer live this lie, my ebony Hawaiian treasure, and so I must let you know that I will be sending Jerome Corsi all of the college junk you were storing in my spare room, as well as Michelle’s “whitey” tape. I know the timing is not exactly right. I know that our plan all along was for you to be re-elected and to seize all the guns and declare yourself Emperor of Ice Cream, after I revealed my true identity when my “Donald Trump” character accepted the GOP nomination (it really would have been the realization of my greatest prank ever!) But events have, as they so often do, outpaced our dreams. I wish you well, my love, and remember, we’ll always have Jakarta.

Tenderly,
Your “Little Doughboy,”
Andy
(Location Undisclosed)

Little Doughboy

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 281 comments }

Thurman Munster IV July 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Is "college junk you were storing in my spare room" some kind of gay code?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Let's face it, didn't we all experiment with storing some junk in a spare room during college?

rmjagg July 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

jockstraps

Nostrildamus July 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Persistent Questioning About Ring on Left Hand

Like about Scotty's missing finger?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Skull and Bones? No, wait, that was the last one.

Mondo_Cane July 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Frodo?

Barrelhse July 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Corsi has a missing finger, too. Well, it's not exactly missing- it's where you can't see it.

Sparky McGruff July 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I'm wondering how this all relates to Rahm's missing finger. That's got to be part of the conspiracy.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Well, James Doohan was on that beach on Normandy on D-Day, see, and Rahm's Dad … oh, never mind. I just can't work up a good head of lying after hearing Mitt in action.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 10:32 pm

You mean Mitt Romney, the French speaking candidate that avoided service in Vietnam?

Hammiepants July 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

These guys seriously need a hobby. Hopefully one that involves immolation.

Geminisunmars July 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

With votives?

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I could go for duck-fat basting, also.

tessiee July 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Or one of those "extreme" thingies like bungie jumping, gator 'rasslin', etc.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 10:03 pm

or maybe wrasslin' women. Worked for Andy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Flaming shots for all!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Oh, that is not what you meant.

rmjagg July 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

more specifically , self-immolation

BoatOfVelociraptors July 25, 2012 at 6:01 am

They don't need hobbies, they need hobbits!

coolhandnuke July 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Everyone knows the ring on Barry's finger was Latka Gravas's/Vic Ferrari's cock ring.

sbj1964 July 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

My baby daddy.The President next on The Murry show! "Barry, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

Come here a minute July 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

THE KISS CAM WAS AN INSIDE JOB,!

SexySmurf July 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Obama liked smoking weed so much he put a ring on it.

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Good one, Clifton!

I_P July 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

WHAR MARRIG CERTIFUKAT WHAR!!!11!!!!!

/wash, rinse, repeat…

StealthMuslin July 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

WorldNet Daily is like the Bible for … schizos? Assclowns? Chronic self-abusers? Oh, fuck it, it's like the Bible.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

You know that's where the Men in Black get their info – right?

Beowoof July 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Oh Barry, another woman or man when you have a hottie like Michelle at home. Say it isn't so. Or you could say Jerome Corsi, it an ignorant buffoon paid by guys like T. Boone Pickens to go after John Kerry and yourself. And that Corsi regularly supplements his income working the Glory Hole at the Adult Video Palace and Porn Shop in Laredo.

Nostrildamus July 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

My favorite link at WND:
WHO READS US?

I'm afraid to click on "WND SCOOPS".

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Is WND Scoops where they just fling shit at the wall and wait for something to stick?

Dudleydidwrong July 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

WND SCOOPS is the want-ad section for local dog walkers.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I hate to be that kind of Wonketteer, but your picture is of mixed nuts, and WND is not that diverse.

Steverino247 July 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

The scoops are on the way!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABBQw6Ffbb8

chascates July 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Suggested new questions for form 4473, the Firearm Transaction Record, that is required before a purchaser can acquire a gun:
Do you believe President Obama is an American citizen who was born in Hawaii? Y__N__
Do you believe dangerous forces have infiltrated the federal government and are about to take over this country? Y__N__
Do you ever receive instructions from your dog or your neighbor's dog regarding who you should shoot? Y__N__

PubOption July 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I assume the form will be examined by Joe Arpaio.

Limeylizzie July 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Who in their right mind would cheat on Michelle? Who in their right mind would believe any fucking word that came out of Jerome Corsi's cakehole?

PsycWench July 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

True dat. If I heard Jerome Corsi say that it was sunny when I was getting ready for the day, first I would call the police because no way he was invited. Then I would get my umbrella.

TavariousChinaSmith July 25, 2012 at 8:57 am

I don't know who would cheat on Michelle, but I would gladly cheat with Michelle.

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

How is Jerome Corsi not in a mental institution anyway?

chascates July 24, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Isn't that what World Nut Daily is?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

That gives WND way too much credit.

doloras July 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Because he is very useful to very rich men.

Steverino247 July 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Because his hero closed them all.

DemmeFatale July 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Wow!
That's some powerful snark, Dok!

gullywompr July 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Hey, they're just asking questions…

ManchuCandidate July 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I can't wait for WND's inevitable "Bat Boy had Gay SEX WITH OBAMER!!!" issue.

smokefilledroomba July 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I liked WND's exclusive on the 'shopped "Barry and His Grandparents" photo.

Radiotherapy July 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Where is the long form marriage certificate?

weejee July 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

WND is almost to the level of graffiti found on the stall walls of small Greyhound terminal restrooms. Almost! Keep working at it WND, keep working.

rmjagg July 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Enter text right here!" graffiti found on the stall walls of small Greyhound terminal restrooms. " … that is their gold standard

Arken July 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Wouldn't it be easier for Corsi to just tell us the aspects of Obama's life that aren't a conspiracy?

Jukesgrrl July 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm

But that would decimate his payments from FOX for "story ideas."

SmutBoffin July 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Hey, don't make fun, everybody. It's little things like this that give the WND folks something to do.

Can you imagine what they would be up to if they weren't investigating the trivia of Barry's life? (Turner Diaries fan-fiction.)

emmelemm July 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Dearest Zoom,

I'mma let you finish, but Sara Benincasa was the best Barack Obama pretend lovah of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Is there a requirement that all of Wonkette writers secretly be having the sex with Obama? Is that why Reilly left Wonkette? Did Brietbart know about this? Is that why he had to die?

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Lionel, man, you just be givin' away ALL the damn secrets, today!

emmelemm July 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

It's a requirement that all Wonkette writers WANT (not so secretly) to have sex with Barry.

smokefilledroomba July 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Barry is the Lord of the Ring.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

So Corsi = Gollum?

smokefilledroomba July 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Yeah. WND = Gollum.

Redgyal July 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm

So who stole Mittens' love letter to the Kochs and changed the names?

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 7:07 pm

This, it makes me weep, for the children.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I would also like to remind the Wonkette Community that my tip jar for Wonkette-meetup-related car repairs is still very much open. Now with an updated photo of the REAL Vlad the Impala, not just a stock 73 Impala image from the Web.

Undignified? A little. But that sucker's gonna be expensive to fix. Thanks!

smokefilledroomba July 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I hate the new Impalas. Those fucking tailights drive me nuts but that's beside the point. I love Vlad's cause–will do what I can. Dammit, my 110k Protege needs a timing belt! (why the hell aren't more engines freewheelin'?)

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I know the begging site includes semi-bling for bigger donations, but really, I'm hoping for a bunch of little chip-ins.

chascates July 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Is that the original paint? Damn, doc, you've got a nice ride. I'd contribute but I can't even get my own truck running. Someone else send him a fiver for me please?

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

My mom repainted it in about 1982; it's deteriorated some since that 2001 photo. I'm thinking of going with primer gray, which announces to the world "I am totally going to do a real restoration someday, man, soon as I get that next big paycheck."

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Big thanks to the anonymous awesome person who just donated $25! Dang, you people are nice!

BaldarTFlagass July 25, 2012 at 8:29 am

After you get it all sorted out in the primer gray, make sure to pick up a couple cans of Krylon in orange and yellow and "flame it out."

emmelemm July 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Dignity is overrated compared to functioning transportation.

AbandonHope July 25, 2012 at 10:19 am

See now, for a sweet car like that, you can get away with asking for donations… replacing the dying CV joint in my 2000 Golf, not so much. :)

Good luck there — I'd chip in, but I'm broke as usual until the biweekly payday rolls around again.

Schmannnity July 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

WND DISCOVERS SECRET KENYAN BRIDE!

Ayn Rand Paul Tard July 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

BEST. WONKETTE. EVARRRRR!!!11!!1!

Wadisay July 24, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Come on, WND, there's a perfectly good explanation for this and you know it: all Kenyan nationals wear one.

NellCote71 July 24, 2012 at 11:11 pm

All Kenyan nationals have more than wife. But so do Mormons. Mmmm.

valthemus July 24, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Well, that's it. I'm convinced. I'm totally, absolutely, unquestionably convinced. Every single person at WND is a brain-damaged crack baby hooked up to an IV that pumps mescaline directly into their bloodstreams 24/7.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Dammit. (looks around nervously, drops voice to a whisper) Who told you?

Chow Yun Flat July 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

A coincidence that his whiskey of choice is White Label? I think not.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Dok, *anybody* can tell you, Barack is no bear.

Also, too, now you've given the wingnuts i-deerz.

M. Bouffant July 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I am not at all sure about the new baby-poop orangey-brown background here.

I am sure that Lance Armstrong can stick it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Wait, law students may have smoked pot and yet be successful? Who ever heard of such a thing? I mean, like, the law, is like, really, really and, you know, stuff, and…, what was I talking about?

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I don't know, man, pass the spliff.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Dude, it's all good.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

(Hands back the spliff, nods, chokes)

BerkeleyBear July 25, 2012 at 1:14 am

Interception! (puff, puff).

Tequila Mockingbird July 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I won't believe it's you, Andy, until you read The Great Gatsby to us.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Heeeere I come, to save the DAAAAY!

va_real July 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I thought that was Mighty Mouse? That's FSF?

ETA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL3Dp6Oh3Fw

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Fitzgerald was a very talented writer. His work is animation never gets the respect it deserves.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

How the hell had I never seen that before? Genius. Kaufman's playin' em like a violin.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I laughed out loud after the record started. Yes, he was a genius, no question.

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Married to Elayne Boosler, one of the funniest women who ever lived. We saw her at The Punch Line in San Francisco, back in the day. She'd come up from LA to try out her new act.

The crowd demanded an enchore. She said "I'm not a musician. I don't have an encore."

The crowd yelled and applauded and carried on, screaming for more.

She said "Well, I could just do my old act…"

And for the next forty-five or so minutes she did.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I really like that lady!

Joshua Norton July 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Well, if Wing Nut Daily says it’s true. It must be gathered from only the finest collected delusions of white supremacists and “I heard it from a guy at a bar once” losers.

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Obama is a klu kluxxin' lesbian spider mutant. Wake up libraltards and pass the chicken tenders!

emmelemm July 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I think you mean Chick-Fil-A sandwiches.

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Mmmm, synthetic yeast… drool… heart attack….Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep… DOA

Goonemeritus July 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

So Barry was so hot he needed to wear a fake wedding band just to keep the ladies down to a manageable number.

Geminisunmars July 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm

This, at least, is plausible.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm

That was my first thought, too. But Rebecca was all, "write it from the POV of the secret first wife" and I was all "the first GAY wife!" and it just sort of went from there.

Goonemeritus July 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

It’s clear Rebecca just can’t relate to the challenges and heartbreak of being a super-hot guy.

Chet Kincaid July 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

So you guys have a writer's room like on Dick Van Dyke, where you sit around bouncing zingers off each other and practicing musical bits like that "We Are 3 Fine Musicians" number? "My tuba, my tuba, I like to play my tuba…"

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Pretty much, except for all those ring-bolts embedded in one wall. No one will tell me what those are for.

Barb_ July 24, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Dear Chet, I hope that you will look back and read this.
I appreciate your kind words. I looked at your website and couldn't find a clickable contact link.
You are a real man and I wish more people were like you. Thanks!

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Yes he is. A fine man who spoke up on behalf of someone who wasn't even around to hear him at the time. It's the best kind of courage that doesn't need or want an audience.

Chet Kincaid July 25, 2012 at 1:51 am

You are quite welcome, Barb! Just trying to be one of the grown ups around here. I'm glad it's resolved and the juveniles have moved on — and happy you didn't stay away too long. Sorry you missed the clue-box among the jazz laffs!

HistoriCat July 24, 2012 at 11:58 pm

When you get one of those moments of inspiration you just have to go with it.

Slim_Pickins July 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Wow, all these years and no one, NO ONE, guessed that Michele was actually Andy in drag! Those "crazy eyes" should have been the tip off….

Callyson July 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

weejee July 24, 2012 at 7:38 pm

WND:
 1. Wombats Needlessly Demented
 2. Worthless Nattering Dipshits
 3. Wonketteer Needs Differential
 4.  ??

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Wonkette reports, we retort.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Nobody said it had to make *sense.*

weejee July 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Libtards need things to make *sense*
Conservetards need things to make *cents*
Wingnutz, if the dog gets the sent, they loose all *sense*

/ PolySci 351

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm

So, weej, have you ever considered an alternative career as a poliSci lecturer?

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Wonkette is like Edward R. Murrow when he exposed Joseph McCarthy, just without the waiting until McCarthy all his damage part.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Andy Kaufman was Pakistani? Damn! The things you learn…

el_donaldo July 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I knew he was still alive!

But I thought he was pretending to be a former senator from Pennsylvania by the name of Rick Santorum – I mean, that's gotta be a performance art gag, right?

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Andy is all of them, Katie

NellCote71 July 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm

El_donado, that would be so cool.

mosjef July 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Somebody be snorting Koch.

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Thanks WND for finally exposing the Islamic terrorist Pakistani Great Neck Long Islanders who've been so silently and oh so slyly passing as Jews for lo these many generations. I've long suspected that Fanny Brice's nose could hold at least five dirty bombs.

Other traitorous Great Neck fifth columnist faux Saudis:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Neck,_New_York

IceCreamEmpress July 24, 2012 at 8:00 pm

There can be only one supreme ruler of ice cream, and I think we know who that is.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Er … let me see now, I would guess, uh, Stravinsky …

tessiee July 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Not sure if you mean Ben, or Jerry.

eggsacklywright July 25, 2012 at 8:43 am

If you mean emperor of ice cream, then it's Wallace Stevens, of course.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

WTH? ID has lost threading. Lervely.

Radiotherapy July 24, 2012 at 8:14 pm

It's the ring!!1!

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

One ring to rule them all …

NellCote71 July 24, 2012 at 11:21 pm

And take our guns away. He will use the ring to take our guns.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting about our guns.

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Lots of yellowcake for me to eat,
Lots of nitro for me to heat
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Oow, wouldn't it be loverly?

Death to the infidel 'enry 'iggins!

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

You got a songwriting gig for WND now? How art thou fallen, O Lucifer, son of the morning!

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Yes, I'm the Hoagy Carmichael of the paranoid sociopath set.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Could I have an amusing song, then, please? Because Mitt RMONEY is busy telling people in the UK that they should help him get elected because that furrin' Barack dood is too furrin' to understand that Anglo-Saxon comity that can only occur when two white men love each other very much. And I am feeling very nauseated.

Thanks.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I keep getting the yellow screen of death. Or French's mustard. I blame Lance Armstrong.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Lance Armstrong is always good for a healthy round of blaming.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Lance Crackers, on the other hand, are tasty snack foods…

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

What, pray tell, are Lance Crackers?

docterry6973 July 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

The simplest explanation is the best one. The 'ring' is his Soros time machine. Occam's razor, people!

BlueStateLibel July 24, 2012 at 8:15 pm

For God's sake, what's next, Bo Obama is a secret Muslim spy?

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Weird! I just read that too!

va_real July 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I had heard that he was a jihadist in 1980's Afghanistan, then was working to bring down al-Qaeda in the 90's until his CIA bosses pulled him out saying that there was no real threat there…

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

And then he made all those cheap-o oaters with Gabby Hayes and torpedoed any chance for a political career.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I thought that was @RafalcaRomney, Mittens' little horsie, who did that.

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Dear Penthouse:

I really never thought that it could happen to me. I met this guy…

WinterOuthouse July 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm

He stole the ring from John McCain and then McCain's nuts went numb. True Story.

mavenmaven July 24, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Look, WND reveals that the birther story is false: "A photograph of Obama with his Grandmother Sarah from his first trip to Kenya in 1987".
It wouldn't have been his first trip to Kenya had he been born there!
Gotcha moment, WND!

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Can I tweet that?

johnnyzhivago July 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Not so… Consider this more likely chain of events:

Obama was plucked from the birth canal directly into the time portal for his indoctrination by Stalin and Hitler. His mother was then rushed by UFO back to Hawaii to submit the false birth announcements and submit forged papers for the "birth certificate"

HistoriCat July 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

Needz moar chalkboard.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Ah, but you are thinking that logic matters to someone over at WND.

tessiee July 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

"my luxurious penthouse apartment"

Are you trying to tell us that you have…
a dee-luxe apartment in the sky?

weejee July 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Jeffersonian, as it were?

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

He's dead, poor guy.

tessiee July 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

What a tragedy that Andy Kaufman died before he could star in a film biography of David Berkowitz.

beezie687 July 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Wait, what's all this about Barry's Koch ring? I demand pictures! many, many pictures…

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

You better SHARE, too.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Whoa! Obama was born in Oslo? And his mother was a back-up singer for Abba?

I just don't know what to believe anymore…

weejee July 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Well that explains the ghey.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

True dat.

I'm adding the link to remind myself why I posted the above… http://www.flickr.com/photos/7290773@N02/41811032

dennis1943 July 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Throwing manure at the wall to see if it sticks has become a career for some……….especially since there is such a surplus of it………….

Fraudulently_Joe July 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Wouldn't being secretly married have put a damper on his burgeoning CIA career, though?

I hear that Barry fellow was a big up-and-comer in the CIA division of Assassinating White People and Giving Their Land to Negroes, after all. I'm not sure why he would have put that all on line to get secretly (and, let's not beat around the bush, here: almost certainly gay-)married.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Secretly married and wearing a ring … two activities that always go well together.

I have to imagine people at WND sitting around, laughing hysterically and trying to top one another, wondering if there's anything they could possibly publish that would decrease sales to their brain-damaged readership.

Madam Killjoy July 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Jesus Christ. Don't these people have anything better to do?

OT: Sadface because I can no longer even lurk at work due to new super sonic web filter that hates my Wonkette because you are some sort of nefarious newslistgroupthingy :(

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Well, that totally fucking sucks.

Oh, and to answer your question, No, they do not.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Being able to read Wonkette at work is what Steve Jobs invented the iPhone for. True story.

Madam Killjoy July 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

But I can't read the comments on my iPhone!! (No offense to those who slave here for wages, or page views, or whatever they feed those who toil in the tubes; but I want me some comments)
/ 1st world problem to the extreme

emmelemm July 25, 2012 at 3:31 am

When I go to the Wonkies on my (Android) phone, which I seldom do, the mobile site loads automatically, but if you scroll down to the bottom, there's links for "Mobile | Original". If you click on Original, you can get to the comments. But of course, it then loads slower than all get-out.

Your mileage may vary.

Madam Killjoy July 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Thank you (and Biff and HistoriCat, too) for being so servicey! I tried the "original" option but it doesn't show the comments. Must be the iPhone's problem. However! Good news – my Wonkette was mysteriously allowed through the web filters today, so huzzah!

Biff July 25, 2012 at 10:23 am

Try this: http://wonkette.com/?nomobile=1
Works on my Android, big thanks to neoyorquino for the link.

HistoriCat July 25, 2012 at 10:50 am

Ad emmelemm and Biff pointed out, the nomobile version may be your best bet … it can be painful to expand all those comment threads though. Good luck!

C_R_Eature July 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

This could only make sense If you believed they put a man on the moon, man on the moon
If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Here's a little agit for the never-believer.
Here's a little ghost for the offering.
Here's a truck stop instead of Saint Peter's.
Mister Andy Kaufman's gone wrestling.

C_R_Eature July 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Now Andy did you hear about this one
Tell me, are you locked in the punch
Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis, hey baby, are we losing touch

va_real July 24, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I do like that song a lot. Did you ever see the biopic or mockumentary (or whatever it was) of the same name?

Doktor Zoom July 25, 2012 at 1:22 am

I have not, though I keep meaning to. I thought that the (opening? closing?) credits are over The Bobs' "Andy Always Dreamed of Wrestling", or maybe that was just something the Bobs said at a concert before the movie came out…it doesn't appear to be in the soundtrack…

coolhandnuke July 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Way to shop the "White Label" hooch in there WND. Wouldn't a 40oz fit your binary narrative?

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Actually, that was pasted in there by the Harvard Law students in their "Revue." So witty, those law students.

fuflans July 24, 2012 at 9:34 pm

hey you guys this is totally OT but you are all dear to me so i tell you anyway.

i came home today and found that my beautiful black and white gay (male) supermodel had left us. as he was technically supposed to have left us in about april of 2011 (and we lost his cage brother – my avatar – in 2008) this shouldn't have been a surprise. however, thru a happy combination of opiates, daily fluids and other assorted pharmacopoeia we had convinced ourselves that he was invincible.

in fact, he was merely determined to be The Most Svelte.

his name was harry and we will miss him. (here are pictures if you are so inclined):
http://fuflans.blogspot.com/

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I'm so sorry, fuflans. (Hugs fuflans)

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 10:32 pm

fuflans:

I'm very sorry to read this. On Mother's Day we lost our beloved Bandit, a wonderful golden retriver (mostly – a little German shephard). He was an orphan we picked up from the mean streets of Oakland, and for seven years he lit up our life.

Flat out he was just the best dog in the world – all he ever wanted was to be loved and petted and walked and be part of our family. He was named Bandit because he made out like a bandit when we found him – and because he stole our hearts from the very first day.

It just broke our hearts when we had to put him to sleep…

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Now I have to give YOU a hug, too, TG. I'm so sorry about Bandit. It was so good of you to rescue him from the streets!

Tundra Grifter July 25, 2012 at 10:08 am

MB:

Thank you!

Biff July 25, 2012 at 8:48 am

So sorry to read this, TG…

Tundra Grifter July 25, 2012 at 10:08 am

Biff:

Thank you!

Madam Killjoy July 24, 2012 at 10:33 pm

So very sorry. Those pictures are lovely.

C_R_Eature July 24, 2012 at 10:34 pm

I'll raise a glass in Harry's honour.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Oh, damn–what a gorgeous cat!

Edit– also, visitors to fuflans' Harry pics really need to click on the pics to embiggen them, and appreciate just what a handsome fellow he was. I'm cat-sitting my ex's furry doofus, Snickers, and will give him extra ear-scritches in Harry's memory.

trampndirtdown July 24, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Sorry about your friend.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, fluflans. I hope that sharing your memories like this will help you to grieve & heal.

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 12:05 am

I'm sorry to hear that, Fuflans. It's always hard, losing a critter.

Angry_Marmot July 25, 2012 at 12:15 am

So sorry. What a handsome fellow he was.

DemmeFatale July 25, 2012 at 1:10 am

So sad to lose a beloved animal. Sorry.
When she was little, my daughter asked me why we had a dog, since we knew it would be gone before all of us. I told her that was the dilemma of pet owners. You have to weigh the heartbreak of losing them with the joy of knowing them. I believe we win in the end. I have three dogs, and their ages are staggered, (2,7,14), so (hopefully), I'l never be without their company.

Chet Kincaid July 25, 2012 at 1:45 am

Sorry to hear this. I hope he had a happy life!

emmelemm July 25, 2012 at 3:26 am

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is the hardest thing (especially because it is inevitable that they die first).

Jennyjen798 July 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

My earlier comment was eaten by Mike Huckabee or something…
Anyways. Marriage records are public records. If they were so damned concerned about it they could, you know, go searching REAL STATE RECORDS for it. Who knows they might even find them online, maybe.

Epic investigative journalist fail.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm

This is WND, after all. They might start looking at stuff like that, but after finding nothing, they'd "discover" that some minor bureaucrat who worked with marriage records died in a car crash in 2009 that "was officially ruled to be an 'accident' by the police after a hasty investigation."

Jennyjen798 July 25, 2012 at 7:48 am

Oh right! The little old lady who stamped the certificate suddenly died of a heart attack (CIA DRONES?!?!?!?!) taking Obummer's secret kenyan muslin marriage to the GRAVE!

I mean I could think of a bunch of reasons off the top of my head as to why he would wear a wedding ring

1) It was a cutesy joke between him and a girlfriend (maybe him and Michelle, like I really care who he was dating back then)

2) He had a crazy girlfriend who wanted him to put a ring on it ala Levi and Bristol. THAT'S HER MAN YOU GUYS!

3) Wedding rings are total pussy magnets. Seriously some women just love that challenge. Although I doubt he really had a problem in that area.

4) It was his mom's ring that she wore when she married his dad. He put it on for the rumors and lolz. Who knew it would work decades later? Trolololol! Obama =Grand Master Sensei of Trolling.

trampndirtdown July 24, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I'm pretty sure the Huckabee's plan one singlehandedly saving Chik Fil A

va_real July 25, 2012 at 12:02 am

I agree- Chris Christie seems a far likelier culprit.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

"A publication produced by Harvard law students in 1990 confirms Barack Obama wore a ring on his wedding-ring finger before he married Michelle in 1992."

Tomato, tomahto, law review, law revue. Because you always wear a ring when you want to hide it. See how he's hiding his left hand in the photo? And he took the ring off every time his left hand was photographed. EVERY TIME!!! More positive proof than this, could not be imagined!

I do hope Michelle gets to see this copy of WingNut Daily, because I like the thought of her dragging Bamz to bed with a big grin and 'forcing' him to tell her all about it. (I think about this in a very respectful and abstract way, of course.)

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:51 pm

How *could* you?

Now I'll spend my whole fucking night dreaming about Michelle "questioning" Barack, and forcing unmentionable cruelties upon him. Uh, gotta go, time to sleep.

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 12:07 am

Uh, yeah, "sleep".

Now where's that Moisturizer when I need it?

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:38 am

Hint: Lube's better. Moisturizer gets dry too fast. (settles in for a long fap)

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 1:41 am

I know. Problem is, the nearest drugstore has a little old Chinese lady who runs the cashier. I go in, grab the KY, get in the line, and I just…I just can't do it, every time I see that little old lady, I just can't…

Vecchiojohn July 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Extra points for the Wallace Stevens reference.

Ms_Anthrope July 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm

True story: Our local "newspaper"( its like a website but its made out of paper! Weird right?) prints Jerome Corsi columns as if they were real news.But only when they don't get enough jesus-y letters to the editor to fill the empty spaces.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I suppose there's no point starting up some kinda wacky counterinsurgency Letters To The Editor campaign from, I dunno, the First Church Of The Last Laugh?

Ms_Anthrope July 25, 2012 at 12:28 am

Not without outing myself as a commie lie-brul.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:34 am

Dang.

Ms_Anthrope July 25, 2012 at 12:41 am

Only my closest friends know I'm a lefty. I live in the very reddest part of a blue state.

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Wing Nutz Daily and its readers were just surprised Barry Obama wasn't wearing the ring in his nose.

Mittens Howell, III July 24, 2012 at 10:38 pm

The only emperor is the emperor of Zoom.

user-of-towels July 25, 2012 at 1:11 am

Kneel before Zoom!

Radiotherapy July 25, 2012 at 1:20 am

I'm trying to absorb the staggering loss.

user-of-towels July 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

I seem to remember you grimacing before.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

What happened, dude? You were RadioTherapy six minutes ago, and now you're RadioBowels.

RadioBowels July 25, 2012 at 8:55 am

From the master quick change artist that is a compliment.

iburl July 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm

This is funny sh*t :)

DerrickWildcat July 25, 2012 at 12:57 am

Books not invented until 1994…TWO YEARS AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS SUPPOSEDLY TAKEN!

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:08 am

That's what you say NOW, Derrick.

Last time it was "Books not invented until 1949." I remember these things.

DerrickWildcat July 25, 2012 at 1:23 am

My facts change depending on new evidence provided to me.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:24 am

Flip-flopper!

va_real July 25, 2012 at 1:16 am
MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:29 am

Lovely! Thanks.

va_real July 25, 2012 at 3:06 am

Glad you like!

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 3:13 am

It's very sweet of you to share such beautiful things with us all. I can't thank you enough.

Troubledog July 25, 2012 at 1:21 am

wharrgarbl.jpg

BerkeleyBear July 25, 2012 at 1:41 am

I'm stunned the HLR folks managed to crank out a parody volume. Law Review is a giant time suck, the top review is a double time suck and pack it on to being Harvard and you might understand why half the jokes are about the people who basically live in their offices. And the footnotes are a properly Bluebooked laugh riot (at least the ones I got).

dopper0189 July 25, 2012 at 5:20 am

Selling snake oil is so 20th century, the greatest con game in the 21st century is selling fake information to conservative conspiracy freaks. I have a guy in Nigeria that will sell you "real copies of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate" for only $19.99. Beats the hell out of 419 scams.

Lest you think this is a joke Orly Tiaz paid a guy in Kenya $10,000 who then produced a fake "real" Obama birth certificate. Of course this was after he cashed the check, and sent her a " ha ha ha sucker" email!

C_R_Eature July 25, 2012 at 5:32 am

If there's anyone else out there who needs a break from the latest man-made catastrophe in the news or this seemingly unending parade of political Kardashian equivalents, you should go and look at This Photo.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

(Hugs the C_R_Eature) You sure do know how to take one's mind off Teh Ugleh.

That was wonderful. Thanks, CRE.

DahBoner July 25, 2012 at 7:02 am

Andy?

No, the ring came from Lilly Thomlin!

One ringy dingy…

Dildeaux July 25, 2012 at 8:06 am

"WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!1!"

ttommyunger July 25, 2012 at 8:30 am

Well, that does it; I'm voting for Romney.

Estproph July 25, 2012 at 9:05 am

Imagine a world where these nuts are actually correct:

-All technology actually works by angels and God's will. Internal combustion engines, electronics, computers, everything. All powered by faith and the actions of supernatural beings.

-All of history has happened because of conspiracies. WWII wasn't a bunch of nations fighting each other, and the Yalta conference really had nothing to do with anything because 3 guys in a back alley in Omaha planned out the entire war.

-Everyone is an alien. Especially you.

-Cheetos are a food group.

Geminisunmars July 25, 2012 at 10:44 am

Ketchup and catsup too are food group.

Estproph July 25, 2012 at 10:55 am

Good point.

randcoolcatdaddy July 25, 2012 at 9:11 am

Wow … these wingnuts are textbooks cases in psychological projection.

Dr_pangloss July 25, 2012 at 9:23 am

Not long ago a friend of mine posted some blather from WND or some similar site about some bullshit. I admonished her not to trust anything on those sites and she got testy with me. Exhibit A.

Nesnora July 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

I've lost at least ten years of my life to secret marriages to sexy drugs.

TribecaMike July 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Having to look at photos of a black man for four years is enough to drive even the toughest Anglo-Saxon over the edge.

gogogodzilla July 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm

That's Dr. Corsi, PhD. Show some respect, people!

va_real July 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

http://www.lance.com/products/

For some reason this reminds me of visiting some folks in Georgia who served us cheese with Georgia Crackers. Georgia Crackers was the actual brand name, but I can find no mention of them on teh Google.

And since you're not from these parts, here's the wikilink on GA Crackers: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_cracker

And some hillbilly music from North GA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFPt7HKqK7A

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Thank you very much. You're too kind.

I love folk music of any nation, so hillbilly/bluegrass really appeals to me, especially given its links to Irish and Scottish folk music. The use of the fiddle in American country music is a topic for an entire book.

OTH, America and FOOD, I have a little trouble with. I will say that Italian Americans, thank goodness, did not let go of their fine culinary traditions, even if this country has tried to reduce them to greasy pizza and horrible fat-laden pastas. But everything else — even the Chinese food here — horrible. Utterly horrible.

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Yeah. That windsurfer, or jetskier, or whatever hugely expensive sport he indulges in with his fat and snobbish Lady Wife.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Different areas of the country have foodways that I find fascinating. The upper Midwest & its Eastern European & Scandinavian traditions, TexMex, Louisiana with it's French/Cajun flavors…

I grew up in the SC Lowcountry with a mishmash of culinary influences… Scotch/Irish/English, Huguenot French & Afro-Caribbean- it's all there- with rice & seafood playing the starring roles. An old joke asks how Charlestonians are like the Chinese? (They both eat rice & worship their ancestors.)

redarmyzombie July 24, 2012 at 11:51 pm

MittBorg, have you ever been to the California Bay Area? 'Cause we've got some DAMN good cuisine here, what with all the Brownz an' Furrinerz we got!

(Seriously, you gotta love a town that has more Tandoori spots than churches.)

BerkeleyBear July 25, 2012 at 1:39 am

One of the most delightfully odd classes I took in college was historical archeology. The professor (whose name I never knew) was really big on colonial work, espeically slave dwellings. But his other passion was the Hillbilly and true country music (his people were North Carolina Hillfolk). He spent a whole 2 hour lecture demonstrating the fiddle, mandolin, and dulcimer and talking about their similarities, differences and roles in country life. It was just mindblowing, especially since it was one of only 4 or 5 lectures I managed to drag myself to in the class, and it has stuck with me for more than a decade.

redarmyzombie July 24, 2012 at 11:47 pm

MittBorg, I JUST ate! Now I need to get my stomach pumped, thank you very much…

MittBorg July 24, 2012 at 11:59 pm

I'm sorry. It really is disgusting hearing him go on about the "Anglo-Saxon" understanding that he, unlike the President, hopes to enjoy with the white people ruling the UK.

If it's any consolation, hearing it made me so sick I have taken to my bed in despair. I may never leave.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:05 am

French and Afro-Caribbean, I could get it up for. After traveling through England and Ireland, I respectfully beg to disagree with anyone who labels their comestibles "food."

Of course, I should add that I grew up in a country with all kinds of incredibly tasty, inexpensive food, with influences ranging from Indian through Persian, Arabic, Chinese, Thai, Indonesian, Portuguese, Burmese, and Kampuchean, and when I was growing up, there were no bottled or packaged foods. Everybody made everything fresh from scratch.

However, I'm always willing to be educated out of my prejudices, so please, feel free to point me to anything that will expand my knowledge of food in these heah parts.

I will say that I do like Cajun food, largely because of the clever use of French techniques, although it tends to be heavier on flour and oil and fats and processed meats than I care for in general. But I'm good at adapting recipes, so fire away.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:10 am

Yes, darling, I have. And I will say that California has, bar none, the best food in the USA. (Of course, I've only ever been to Utah, Arizona, New York, Connecticut, New Mexico, Georgia (ATL only), Oregon, and Washington, so maybe I'll have to do an updated culinary tour of the missing states?)

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 12:23 am

You know, if *I* were a floundering presidential hopeful, the last thing I'd want is to have my opponent running ads about foreign money funding my campaign, especially if they show me touting my skin color as a basis for foreign policy.

But then, in order for Willard to understand that, he'd first need to be capable of human emotion…

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:36 am

I'm wondering if we should take up a collection to get an empathy chip for Willard. He lied about what the Australian FM said to him, now he's playing the race card in the UK, what next? He's an idiot. He's been running for POTUS for 12 years, and his own house is still a mess, with tax returns and Swiss bank accounts everywhere. I despair.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 12:48 am

You need a hug. (Hugs you) That is awful.

Elect me God and I promise I'll change it ALL! ALL OF IT! YAAARGH!!!

The commenter known as MittBorg has suffered a minor electronic disturbance and will return as soon as repairs have been effected.

Ms_Anthrope July 25, 2012 at 12:58 am

You got my vote!

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:08 am

Repairs have been effected.

Yay! I'm gonna be god and smite them all with a MIGHTY SMOTING! Give me your list of peeps you want smoted, or smitten, or whatever it is you want me to do wiv 'em.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:29 am

Don't be bogartin' that, dood.

I know all about you Boalt Hall guys.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:56 am

(blush) (twitch)

Right. I can MAIL you some. Or, you know, break down and get a charge account at Good Vibrations, dude. I think they mail you that stuff in a plain brown wrapper.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 25, 2012 at 2:00 am

You could buy a whole pile of crap, and sort of casually toss in the K-Y.

Then she yells out to her husband in the back of the store, "HOW MUCH IS THE K-Y?" "WHAT?" "THE K-Y LUBE!" (Waves it around over her head.) "HOW MUCH?"

Might as well get the large family size.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:57 am

Fascinating. And congrats on going back to grad school! It's going to be tough, but I feel a mite reassured at the thought that you'll be one of our Public Health Policy movers and shakers someday soon.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:59 am

I wish I'd been rich enough to go to all the classes I ever wanted to. That would have been a fun class. There's a local busker who plays the hammer dulcimer. It's beautiful.

Barb_ July 25, 2012 at 2:40 am

I will look again, my friend.

va_real July 25, 2012 at 2:45 am

Lowcountry & Louisiana foodways have much in common, but I think LC recipes tend to be more vegetable-centric, less spicy & less dependent on a roux for flavor. Veggies were traditionally cooked with a bit of pork or beef for flavor, but most recipes can survive that omission. Summer squash, okra, tomatoes, eggplant, sweet corn, sweet peppers, peas & beans are what we're eating now. When the weather is cooler, more lettuces, greens, winter squash, dried peas & beans, root vegetables, etc. whatever you may have 'put up' from the summer crops. Most non-dessert items start with an onion sauteed in butter or some other fat.
http://www.saveur.com/article/Travels/Looking-for
http://www.hoppinjohns.com/cgi-bin/screenbld.asp?…
http://www.chefrick.com/low-country-recipes/
http://ansonmills.com/recipes/518
http://charlestongrit.com/food-recipes

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 2:56 am

Thank you so much, my dear. You are really very sweet and kind. I appreciate this.

va_real July 25, 2012 at 3:05 am

It's been a little while since I saw the movie, so the fact that I don't remember the Bobs song doesn't mean much. That's cool, though…

I'm pretty sure REM provided at least 2 songs, but that's all I recall of the soundtrack.

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 3:15 am

Thanks, but I'll manage on my own somehow. Number one, I live with my parents still, and second, the day I take lubricant and/or sex toys as charity will be the day I consider myself a failure. Granted, not nearly as much of a failure as Louie Gofuckhimself, but it will be a very depressing day nonetheless.

And, ah, Good Vibrations you say? *makes mental note*

Biff July 25, 2012 at 8:52 am

Good Vibrations has now supplanted Amazon in my bookmarks folder, thank you.

redarmyzombie July 25, 2012 at 3:18 am

"No, you don't understand! I need it for, ah…for…ah, fuck it, do you carry the twelve-pack?"

Biff July 25, 2012 at 8:59 am

It's like me buying condoms. I go to the store I never go to (walmart) and pick the youngest, prettiest cashier's line. Their flustered embarrassment is just precious. Hey, at my age, I'll take my entertainment wherever I can.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 25, 2012 at 11:29 am
va_real July 25, 2012 at 3:21 am

I hope you find something new that will suit you.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 3:22 am

True, I hadn't thought of that, sweetie.

Yes, Good Vibrations. Back when I still worked in the Valley some of those terrible WIMMINZ in the offices organized an expedition just so they could terrorize the rest of us. You never heard so many embarrassed giggles in your life. Grown people! Hell, OLD people. Snickering like teenagers at teh giant purple silicon dildos.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 3:27 am

I certainly plan to experiment! Cooking is one thing I can still do, although not as easily as I used to. But it's still something enjoyable, and I plan to do it till they drag me off to the boneyard. Thank you for your contribution to my culinary experiments.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Like you needed it, Biffster, you slut.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I never saw that movie. The things we miss!

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

ZING! (Removes dart from behind, stares sorrowfully at RadioBowels)

That was NOT nice, dude. NOT nice at all.

Biff July 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

A slut in my own mind, for sure!

RadioBowels July 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Um, that wasn't a dart.
BTW, Cupid was known to throw darts.

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Yowza!

MittBorg July 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Best place, dude. They cain't arrest you for nuthin'. (Leers)

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