Dear Barack: WND Has Exposed Our Secret Marriage And I Can No Longer Stay Silent

  epistolary romance

One Ring to dupe them all!My Dearest Barry-Bear: I know you told me we could never speak of our love. I know I signed that confidentiality agreement when you ran for the Senate, and, yes, I remember the Secret Service’s little “visits” to my luxurious penthouse apartment when you thought I might show up at the Inauguration. I know about the drones that follow me day and night.

But I can no longer hold my tongue! (Remember how you used to like that?) WorldNet Daily KNOWS, baby. They are on to the truth at last, and I have to say that, difficult though I know the coming days are going to be for both of us, I for one feel a sense of relief. I won’t have to live this lie anymore, won’t have to live in denial about our secret gay marriage in Pakistan in 1988. You were so cute in your burqa, babe! But now, as I used to quip in a totally non-racist way when you had morning wood, “the jig is up”! WND’s Jerome Corsi has been asking some very inconvenient questions about all the many gaps in your supposed history, and now he wants to know why photographs show you wearing a ring on your wedding-ring finger before your 1992 sham marriage to Michelle (Hi, Michelle! No offense, darling, but you know your role in this little charade, and I think it’s high time we all start being Real, you know?)

And now WND has dug up that old parody issue of the Harvard Law Revue with the incriminating “joke” about how one of your “recent accomplishments” was “Deflecting Persistent Questioning About Ring on Left Hand.” As we knew at the time, hiding out in our love nest on the commune, those little grad school jokes were hitting just a little too close to home, weren’t they, lover? I guess I blame myself–after all, I was the one who encouraged you to become editor at the Law Review, and I said nothing when your pals wrote that little fake review article that was full of inside jokes about the mystery of your origins and the arcana of law school. Jerome Corsi knows that, even though the piece is packed with sophomoric humor-like passages, law school students would never stoop to a cheesy pun unless it had far greater significance:

One line of the “self-tribute” said: “I invited my underlings to join me for a ‘pot luck’ dinner at my understated and mature apartment.” The line suggests Obama continued to smoke marijuana through his law school days, despite repeated assertions by his 2008 presidential campaign that he stopped using the drug either after attending Occidental College or after graduating from Columbia in 1982.

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I tell you, Bare-Bear, this organization is good. Corsi has clearly been taking lessons from his colleage Jack Cashill, whose close-reading skills rival those of the average 19-year old Comp Lit major. There is no line of text too dense for him to unpack, and I fear that therre is no longer any use in your even trying to hide from the crew of postmodern critics that is WorldNet Daily. They have even sussed out that the ring on your finger cannot possibly be your high school ring! If it is not a high school ring, then what can it be? People do not simply wear rings on their wedding-ring fingers if they are not married! Such a thing is never done, and WND knows this.

Sweet-hunks, it’s clear that WND is on the trail of the truth, now, and it’s time for all of us to come clean. I can no longer live this lie, my ebony Hawaiian treasure, and so I must let you know that I will be sending Jerome Corsi all of the college junk you were storing in my spare room, as well as Michelle’s “whitey” tape. I know the timing is not exactly right. I know that our plan all along was for you to be re-elected and to seize all the guns and declare yourself Emperor of Ice Cream, after I revealed my true identity when my “Donald Trump” character accepted the GOP nomination (it really would have been the realization of my greatest prank ever!) But events have, as they so often do, outpaced our dreams. I wish you well, my love, and remember, we’ll always have Jakarta.

Tenderly,
Your “Little Doughboy,”
Andy
(Location Undisclosed)

Little Doughboy

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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281 comments

  1. Nostrildamus

    Persistent Questioning About Ring on Left Hand

    Like about Scotty's missing finger?

    1. Barrelhse

      Corsi has a missing finger, too. Well, it's not exactly missing- it's where you can't see it.

      1. Sparky McGruff

        I'm wondering how this all relates to Rahm's missing finger. That's got to be part of the conspiracy.

        1. MittBorg

          Well, James Doohan was on that beach on Normandy on D-Day, see, and Rahm's Dad … oh, never mind. I just can't work up a good head of lying after hearing Mitt in action.

  2. coolhandnuke

    Everyone knows the ring on Barry's finger was Latka Gravas's/Vic Ferrari's cock ring.

  3. StealthMuslin

    WorldNet Daily is like the Bible for … schizos? Assclowns? Chronic self-abusers? Oh, fuck it, it's like the Bible.

  4. Beowoof

    Oh Barry, another woman or man when you have a hottie like Michelle at home. Say it isn't so. Or you could say Jerome Corsi, it an ignorant buffoon paid by guys like T. Boone Pickens to go after John Kerry and yourself. And that Corsi regularly supplements his income working the Glory Hole at the Adult Video Palace and Porn Shop in Laredo.

  5. chascates

    Suggested new questions for form 4473, the Firearm Transaction Record, that is required before a purchaser can acquire a gun:
    Do you believe President Obama is an American citizen who was born in Hawaii? Y__N__
    Do you believe dangerous forces have infiltrated the federal government and are about to take over this country? Y__N__
    Do you ever receive instructions from your dog or your neighbor's dog regarding who you should shoot? Y__N__

  6. Limeylizzie

    Who in their right mind would cheat on Michelle? Who in their right mind would believe any fucking word that came out of Jerome Corsi's cakehole?

    1. PsycWench

      True dat. If I heard Jerome Corsi say that it was sunny when I was getting ready for the day, first I would call the police because no way he was invited. Then I would get my umbrella.

    2. TavariousChinaSmith

      I don't know who would cheat on Michelle, but I would gladly cheat with Michelle.

  7. weejee

    WND is almost to the level of graffiti found on the stall walls of small Greyhound terminal restrooms. Almost! Keep working at it WND, keep working.

    1. rmjagg

      Enter text right here!" graffiti found on the stall walls of small Greyhound terminal restrooms. " … that is their gold standard

  8. Arken

    Wouldn't it be easier for Corsi to just tell us the aspects of Obama's life that aren't a conspiracy?

  9. SmutBoffin

    Hey, don't make fun, everybody. It's little things like this that give the WND folks something to do.

    Can you imagine what they would be up to if they weren't investigating the trivia of Barry's life? (Turner Diaries fan-fiction.)

  10. emmelemm

    Dearest Zoom,

    I'mma let you finish, but Sara Benincasa was the best Barack Obama pretend lovah of all time. OF ALL TIME!

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Is there a requirement that all of Wonkette writers secretly be having the sex with Obama? Is that why Reilly left Wonkette? Did Brietbart know about this? Is that why he had to die?

      1. emmelemm

        It's a requirement that all Wonkette writers WANT (not so secretly) to have sex with Barry.

    1. smokefilledroomba

      I hate the new Impalas. Those fucking tailights drive me nuts but that's beside the point. I love Vlad's cause–will do what I can. Dammit, my 110k Protege needs a timing belt! (why the hell aren't more engines freewheelin'?)

    2. chascates

      Is that the original paint? Damn, doc, you've got a nice ride. I'd contribute but I can't even get my own truck running. Someone else send him a fiver for me please?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        My mom repainted it in about 1982; it's deteriorated some since that 2001 photo. I'm thinking of going with primer gray, which announces to the world "I am totally going to do a real restoration someday, man, soon as I get that next big paycheck."

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          After you get it all sorted out in the primer gray, make sure to pick up a couple cans of Krylon in orange and yellow and "flame it out."

    3. AbandonHope

      See now, for a sweet car like that, you can get away with asking for donations… replacing the dying CV joint in my 2000 Golf, not so much. :)

      Good luck there — I'd chip in, but I'm broke as usual until the biweekly payday rolls around again.

  11. Wadisay

    Come on, WND, there's a perfectly good explanation for this and you know it: all Kenyan nationals wear one.

  12. valthemus

    Well, that's it. I'm convinced. I'm totally, absolutely, unquestionably convinced. Every single person at WND is a brain-damaged crack baby hooked up to an IV that pumps mescaline directly into their bloodstreams 24/7.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, law students may have smoked pot and yet be successful? Who ever heard of such a thing? I mean, like, the law, is like, really, really and, you know, stuff, and…, what was I talking about?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Married to Elayne Boosler, one of the funniest women who ever lived. We saw her at The Punch Line in San Francisco, back in the day. She'd come up from LA to try out her new act.

      The crowd demanded an enchore. She said "I'm not a musician. I don't have an encore."

      The crowd yelled and applauded and carried on, screaming for more.

      She said "Well, I could just do my old act…"

      And for the next forty-five or so minutes she did.

  14. Joshua Norton

    Well, if Wing Nut Daily says it’s true. It must be gathered from only the finest collected delusions of white supremacists and “I heard it from a guy at a bar once” losers.

  15. TribecaMike

    Obama is a klu kluxxin' lesbian spider mutant. Wake up libraltards and pass the chicken tenders!

  16. Goonemeritus

    So Barry was so hot he needed to wear a fake wedding band just to keep the ladies down to a manageable number.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      That was my first thought, too. But Rebecca was all, "write it from the POV of the secret first wife" and I was all "the first GAY wife!" and it just sort of went from there.

      1. Goonemeritus

        It’s clear Rebecca just can’t relate to the challenges and heartbreak of being a super-hot guy.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        So you guys have a writer's room like on Dick Van Dyke, where you sit around bouncing zingers off each other and practicing musical bits like that "We Are 3 Fine Musicians" number? "My tuba, my tuba, I like to play my tuba…"

        1. Barb_

          Dear Chet, I hope that you will look back and read this.
          I appreciate your kind words. I looked at your website and couldn't find a clickable contact link.
          You are a real man and I wish more people were like you. Thanks!

          1. MittBorg

            Yes he is. A fine man who spoke up on behalf of someone who wasn't even around to hear him at the time. It's the best kind of courage that doesn't need or want an audience.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            You are quite welcome, Barb! Just trying to be one of the grown ups around here. I'm glad it's resolved and the juveniles have moved on — and happy you didn't stay away too long. Sorry you missed the clue-box among the jazz laffs!

  17. Slim_Pickins

    Wow, all these years and no one, NO ONE, guessed that Michele was actually Andy in drag! Those "crazy eyes" should have been the tip off….

        1. weejee

          Libtards need things to make *sense*
          Conservetards need things to make *cents*
          Wingnutz, if the dog gets the sent, they loose all *sense*

          / PolySci 351

          1. TribecaMike

            Wonkette is like Edward R. Murrow when he exposed Joseph McCarthy, just without the waiting until McCarthy all his damage part.

  18. el_donaldo

    I knew he was still alive!

    But I thought he was pretending to be a former senator from Pennsylvania by the name of Rick Santorum – I mean, that's gotta be a performance art gag, right?

  19. TribecaMike

    Thanks WND for finally exposing the Islamic terrorist Pakistani Great Neck Long Islanders who've been so silently and oh so slyly passing as Jews for lo these many generations. I've long suspected that Fanny Brice's nose could hold at least five dirty bombs.

    Other traitorous Great Neck fifth columnist faux Saudis:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Neck,_New_York

  20. IceCreamEmpress

    There can be only one supreme ruler of ice cream, and I think we know who that is.

    1. TribecaMike

      Lots of yellowcake for me to eat,
      Lots of nitro for me to heat
      Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
      Oow, wouldn't it be loverly?

      Death to the infidel 'enry 'iggins!

          1. MittBorg

            Could I have an amusing song, then, please? Because Mitt RMONEY is busy telling people in the UK that they should help him get elected because that furrin' Barack dood is too furrin' to understand that Anglo-Saxon comity that can only occur when two white men love each other very much. And I am feeling very nauseated.

            Thanks.

          2. MittBorg

            I'm sorry. It really is disgusting hearing him go on about the "Anglo-Saxon" understanding that he, unlike the President, hopes to enjoy with the white people ruling the UK.

            If it's any consolation, hearing it made me so sick I have taken to my bed in despair. I may never leave.

          3. redarmyzombie

            You know, if *I* were a floundering presidential hopeful, the last thing I'd want is to have my opponent running ads about foreign money funding my campaign, especially if they show me touting my skin color as a basis for foreign policy.

            But then, in order for Willard to understand that, he'd first need to be capable of human emotion…

          4. MittBorg

            I'm wondering if we should take up a collection to get an empathy chip for Willard. He lied about what the Australian FM said to him, now he's playing the race card in the UK, what next? He's an idiot. He's been running for POTUS for 12 years, and his own house is still a mess, with tax returns and Swiss bank accounts everywhere. I despair.

    2. va_real

      I keep getting the yellow screen of death. Or French's mustard. I blame Lance Armstrong.

          1. MittBorg

            Thank you very much. You're too kind.

            I love folk music of any nation, so hillbilly/bluegrass really appeals to me, especially given its links to Irish and Scottish folk music. The use of the fiddle in American country music is a topic for an entire book.

            OTH, America and FOOD, I have a little trouble with. I will say that Italian Americans, thank goodness, did not let go of their fine culinary traditions, even if this country has tried to reduce them to greasy pizza and horrible fat-laden pastas. But everything else — even the Chinese food here — horrible. Utterly horrible.

          2. va_real

            Different areas of the country have foodways that I find fascinating. The upper Midwest & its Eastern European & Scandinavian traditions, TexMex, Louisiana with it's French/Cajun flavors…

            I grew up in the SC Lowcountry with a mishmash of culinary influences… Scotch/Irish/English, Huguenot French & Afro-Caribbean- it's all there- with rice & seafood playing the starring roles. An old joke asks how Charlestonians are like the Chinese? (They both eat rice & worship their ancestors.)

          3. MittBorg

            French and Afro-Caribbean, I could get it up for. After traveling through England and Ireland, I respectfully beg to disagree with anyone who labels their comestibles "food."

            Of course, I should add that I grew up in a country with all kinds of incredibly tasty, inexpensive food, with influences ranging from Indian through Persian, Arabic, Chinese, Thai, Indonesian, Portuguese, Burmese, and Kampuchean, and when I was growing up, there were no bottled or packaged foods. Everybody made everything fresh from scratch.

            However, I'm always willing to be educated out of my prejudices, so please, feel free to point me to anything that will expand my knowledge of food in these heah parts.

            I will say that I do like Cajun food, largely because of the clever use of French techniques, although it tends to be heavier on flour and oil and fats and processed meats than I care for in general. But I'm good at adapting recipes, so fire away.

          4. va_real

            Lowcountry & Louisiana foodways have much in common, but I think LC recipes tend to be more vegetable-centric, less spicy & less dependent on a roux for flavor. Veggies were traditionally cooked with a bit of pork or beef for flavor, but most recipes can survive that omission. Summer squash, okra, tomatoes, eggplant, sweet corn, sweet peppers, peas & beans are what we're eating now. When the weather is cooler, more lettuces, greens, winter squash, dried peas & beans, root vegetables, etc. whatever you may have 'put up' from the summer crops. Most non-dessert items start with an onion sauteed in butter or some other fat.
            http://www.saveur.com/article/Travels/Looking-for
            http://www.hoppinjohns.com/cgi-bin/screenbld.asp?…
            http://www.chefrick.com/low-country-recipes/
            http://ansonmills.com/recipes/518
            http://charlestongrit.com/food-recipes

          5. MittBorg

            I certainly plan to experiment! Cooking is one thing I can still do, although not as easily as I used to. But it's still something enjoyable, and I plan to do it till they drag me off to the boneyard. Thank you for your contribution to my culinary experiments.

          6. redarmyzombie

            MittBorg, have you ever been to the California Bay Area? 'Cause we've got some DAMN good cuisine here, what with all the Brownz an' Furrinerz we got!

            (Seriously, you gotta love a town that has more Tandoori spots than churches.)

          7. MittBorg

            Yes, darling, I have. And I will say that California has, bar none, the best food in the USA. (Of course, I've only ever been to Utah, Arizona, New York, Connecticut, New Mexico, Georgia (ATL only), Oregon, and Washington, so maybe I'll have to do an updated culinary tour of the missing states?)

          8. BerkeleyBear

            One of the most delightfully odd classes I took in college was historical archeology. The professor (whose name I never knew) was really big on colonial work, espeically slave dwellings. But his other passion was the Hillbilly and true country music (his people were North Carolina Hillfolk). He spent a whole 2 hour lecture demonstrating the fiddle, mandolin, and dulcimer and talking about their similarities, differences and roles in country life. It was just mindblowing, especially since it was one of only 4 or 5 lectures I managed to drag myself to in the class, and it has stuck with me for more than a decade.

          9. MittBorg

            Fascinating. And congrats on going back to grad school! It's going to be tough, but I feel a mite reassured at the thought that you'll be one of our Public Health Policy movers and shakers someday soon.

          10. MittBorg

            I wish I'd been rich enough to go to all the classes I ever wanted to. That would have been a fun class. There's a local busker who plays the hammer dulcimer. It's beautiful.

  21. docterry6973

    The simplest explanation is the best one. The 'ring' is his Soros time machine. Occam's razor, people!

      1. va_real

        I had heard that he was a jihadist in 1980's Afghanistan, then was working to bring down al-Qaeda in the 90's until his CIA bosses pulled him out saying that there was no real threat there…

        1. TribecaMike

          And then he made all those cheap-o oaters with Gabby Hayes and torpedoed any chance for a political career.

  22. Tundra Grifter

    Dear Penthouse:

    I really never thought that it could happen to me. I met this guy…

  23. WinterOuthouse

    He stole the ring from John McCain and then McCain's nuts went numb. True Story.

  24. mavenmaven

    Look, WND reveals that the birther story is false: "A photograph of Obama with his Grandmother Sarah from his first trip to Kenya in 1987".
    It wouldn't have been his first trip to Kenya had he been born there!
    Gotcha moment, WND!

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Not so… Consider this more likely chain of events:

      Obama was plucked from the birth canal directly into the time portal for his indoctrination by Stalin and Hitler. His mother was then rushed by UFO back to Hawaii to submit the false birth announcements and submit forged papers for the "birth certificate"

  25. tessiee

    "my luxurious penthouse apartment"

    Are you trying to tell us that you have…
    a dee-luxe apartment in the sky?

  26. tessiee

    What a tragedy that Andy Kaufman died before he could star in a film biography of David Berkowitz.

  27. beezie687

    Wait, what's all this about Barry's Koch ring? I demand pictures! many, many pictures…

  28. va_real

    Whoa! Obama was born in Oslo? And his mother was a back-up singer for Abba?

    I just don't know what to believe anymore…

  29. dennis1943

    Throwing manure at the wall to see if it sticks has become a career for some……….especially since there is such a surplus of it………….

  30. Fraudulently_Joe

    Wouldn't being secretly married have put a damper on his burgeoning CIA career, though?

    I hear that Barry fellow was a big up-and-comer in the CIA division of Assassinating White People and Giving Their Land to Negroes, after all. I'm not sure why he would have put that all on line to get secretly (and, let's not beat around the bush, here: almost certainly gay-)married.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Secretly married and wearing a ring … two activities that always go well together.

      I have to imagine people at WND sitting around, laughing hysterically and trying to top one another, wondering if there's anything they could possibly publish that would decrease sales to their brain-damaged readership.

  31. Madam Killjoy

    Jesus Christ. Don't these people have anything better to do?

    OT: Sadface because I can no longer even lurk at work due to new super sonic web filter that hates my Wonkette because you are some sort of nefarious newslistgroupthingy :(

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Being able to read Wonkette at work is what Steve Jobs invented the iPhone for. True story.

      1. Madam Killjoy

        But I can't read the comments on my iPhone!! (No offense to those who slave here for wages, or page views, or whatever they feed those who toil in the tubes; but I want me some comments)
        / 1st world problem to the extreme

        1. emmelemm

          When I go to the Wonkies on my (Android) phone, which I seldom do, the mobile site loads automatically, but if you scroll down to the bottom, there's links for "Mobile | Original". If you click on Original, you can get to the comments. But of course, it then loads slower than all get-out.

          Your mileage may vary.

          1. Madam Killjoy

            Thank you (and Biff and HistoriCat, too) for being so servicey! I tried the "original" option but it doesn't show the comments. Must be the iPhone's problem. However! Good news – my Wonkette was mysteriously allowed through the web filters today, so huzzah!

        2. HistoriCat

          Ad emmelemm and Biff pointed out, the nomobile version may be your best bet … it can be painful to expand all those comment threads though. Good luck!

  32. C_R_Eature

    This could only make sense If you believed they put a man on the moon, man on the moon
    If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool.

    1. va_real

      Here's a little agit for the never-believer.
      Here's a little ghost for the offering.
      Here's a truck stop instead of Saint Peter's.
      Mister Andy Kaufman's gone wrestling.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Now Andy did you hear about this one
        Tell me, are you locked in the punch
        Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis, hey baby, are we losing touch

        1. va_real

          I do like that song a lot. Did you ever see the biopic or mockumentary (or whatever it was) of the same name?

          1. va_real

            It's been a little while since I saw the movie, so the fact that I don't remember the Bobs song doesn't mean much. That's cool, though…

            I'm pretty sure REM provided at least 2 songs, but that's all I recall of the soundtrack.

  33. coolhandnuke

    Way to shop the "White Label" hooch in there WND. Wouldn't a 40oz fit your binary narrative?

  34. fuflans

    hey you guys this is totally OT but you are all dear to me so i tell you anyway.

    i came home today and found that my beautiful black and white gay (male) supermodel had left us. as he was technically supposed to have left us in about april of 2011 (and we lost his cage brother – my avatar – in 2008) this shouldn't have been a surprise. however, thru a happy combination of opiates, daily fluids and other assorted pharmacopoeia we had convinced ourselves that he was invincible.

    in fact, he was merely determined to be The Most Svelte.

    his name was harry and we will miss him. (here are pictures if you are so inclined):
    http://fuflans.blogspot.com/

    1. Tundra Grifter

      fuflans:

      I'm very sorry to read this. On Mother's Day we lost our beloved Bandit, a wonderful golden retriver (mostly – a little German shephard). He was an orphan we picked up from the mean streets of Oakland, and for seven years he lit up our life.

      Flat out he was just the best dog in the world – all he ever wanted was to be loved and petted and walked and be part of our family. He was named Bandit because he made out like a bandit when we found him – and because he stole our hearts from the very first day.

      It just broke our hearts when we had to put him to sleep…

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, damn–what a gorgeous cat!

      Edit– also, visitors to fuflans' Harry pics really need to click on the pics to embiggen them, and appreciate just what a handsome fellow he was. I'm cat-sitting my ex's furry doofus, Snickers, and will give him extra ear-scritches in Harry's memory.

    3. va_real

      I'm so sorry for your loss, fluflans. I hope that sharing your memories like this will help you to grieve & heal.

    4. DemmeFatale

      So sad to lose a beloved animal. Sorry.
      When she was little, my daughter asked me why we had a dog, since we knew it would be gone before all of us. I told her that was the dilemma of pet owners. You have to weigh the heartbreak of losing them with the joy of knowing them. I believe we win in the end. I have three dogs, and their ages are staggered, (2,7,14), so (hopefully), I'l never be without their company.

    5. emmelemm

      I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is the hardest thing (especially because it is inevitable that they die first).

  35. Jennyjen798

    My earlier comment was eaten by Mike Huckabee or something…
    Anyways. Marriage records are public records. If they were so damned concerned about it they could, you know, go searching REAL STATE RECORDS for it. Who knows they might even find them online, maybe.

    Epic investigative journalist fail.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      This is WND, after all. They might start looking at stuff like that, but after finding nothing, they'd "discover" that some minor bureaucrat who worked with marriage records died in a car crash in 2009 that "was officially ruled to be an 'accident' by the police after a hasty investigation."

      1. Jennyjen798

        Oh right! The little old lady who stamped the certificate suddenly died of a heart attack (CIA DRONES?!?!?!?!) taking Obummer's secret kenyan muslin marriage to the GRAVE!

        I mean I could think of a bunch of reasons off the top of my head as to why he would wear a wedding ring

        1) It was a cutesy joke between him and a girlfriend (maybe him and Michelle, like I really care who he was dating back then)

        2) He had a crazy girlfriend who wanted him to put a ring on it ala Levi and Bristol. THAT'S HER MAN YOU GUYS!

        3) Wedding rings are total pussy magnets. Seriously some women just love that challenge. Although I doubt he really had a problem in that area.

        4) It was his mom's ring that she wore when she married his dad. He put it on for the rumors and lolz. Who knew it would work decades later? Trolololol! Obama =Grand Master Sensei of Trolling.

  36. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "A publication produced by Harvard law students in 1990 confirms Barack Obama wore a ring on his wedding-ring finger before he married Michelle in 1992."

    Tomato, tomahto, law review, law revue. Because you always wear a ring when you want to hide it. See how he's hiding his left hand in the photo? And he took the ring off every time his left hand was photographed. EVERY TIME!!! More positive proof than this, could not be imagined!

    I do hope Michelle gets to see this copy of WingNut Daily, because I like the thought of her dragging Bamz to bed with a big grin and 'forcing' him to tell her all about it. (I think about this in a very respectful and abstract way, of course.)

    1. MittBorg

      How *could* you?

      Now I'll spend my whole fucking night dreaming about Michelle "questioning" Barack, and forcing unmentionable cruelties upon him. Uh, gotta go, time to sleep.

          1. redarmyzombie

            I know. Problem is, the nearest drugstore has a little old Chinese lady who runs the cashier. I go in, grab the KY, get in the line, and I just…I just can't do it, every time I see that little old lady, I just can't…

          2. MittBorg

            (blush) (twitch)

            Right. I can MAIL you some. Or, you know, break down and get a charge account at Good Vibrations, dude. I think they mail you that stuff in a plain brown wrapper.

          3. redarmyzombie

            Thanks, but I'll manage on my own somehow. Number one, I live with my parents still, and second, the day I take lubricant and/or sex toys as charity will be the day I consider myself a failure. Granted, not nearly as much of a failure as Louie Gofuckhimself, but it will be a very depressing day nonetheless.

            And, ah, Good Vibrations you say? *makes mental note*

          4. MittBorg

            True, I hadn't thought of that, sweetie.

            Yes, Good Vibrations. Back when I still worked in the Valley some of those terrible WIMMINZ in the offices organized an expedition just so they could terrorize the rest of us. You never heard so many embarrassed giggles in your life. Grown people! Hell, OLD people. Snickering like teenagers at teh giant purple silicon dildos.

          5. Biel_ze_Bubba

            You could buy a whole pile of crap, and sort of casually toss in the K-Y.

            Then she yells out to her husband in the back of the store, "HOW MUCH IS THE K-Y?" "WHAT?" "THE K-Y LUBE!" (Waves it around over her head.) "HOW MUCH?"

            Might as well get the large family size.

          6. redarmyzombie

            "No, you don't understand! I need it for, ah…for…ah, fuck it, do you carry the twelve-pack?"

          7. Biff

            It's like me buying condoms. I go to the store I never go to (walmart) and pick the youngest, prettiest cashier's line. Their flustered embarrassment is just precious. Hey, at my age, I'll take my entertainment wherever I can.

  37. Ms_Anthrope

    True story: Our local "newspaper"( its like a website but its made out of paper! Weird right?) prints Jerome Corsi columns as if they were real news.But only when they don't get enough jesus-y letters to the editor to fill the empty spaces.

    1. MittBorg

      I suppose there's no point starting up some kinda wacky counterinsurgency Letters To The Editor campaign from, I dunno, the First Church Of The Last Laugh?

          1. Ms_Anthrope

            Only my closest friends know I'm a lefty. I live in the very reddest part of a blue state.

          2. MittBorg

            You need a hug. (Hugs you) That is awful.

            Elect me God and I promise I'll change it ALL! ALL OF IT! YAAARGH!!!

            The commenter known as MittBorg has suffered a minor electronic disturbance and will return as soon as repairs have been effected.

          3. MittBorg

            Repairs have been effected.

            Yay! I'm gonna be god and smite them all with a MIGHTY SMOTING! Give me your list of peeps you want smoted, or smitten, or whatever it is you want me to do wiv 'em.

  38. Tundra Grifter

    Wing Nutz Daily and its readers were just surprised Barry Obama wasn't wearing the ring in his nose.

  39. BerkeleyBear

    I'm stunned the HLR folks managed to crank out a parody volume. Law Review is a giant time suck, the top review is a double time suck and pack it on to being Harvard and you might understand why half the jokes are about the people who basically live in their offices. And the footnotes are a properly Bluebooked laugh riot (at least the ones I got).

  40. dopper0189

    Selling snake oil is so 20th century, the greatest con game in the 21st century is selling fake information to conservative conspiracy freaks. I have a guy in Nigeria that will sell you "real copies of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate" for only $19.99. Beats the hell out of 419 scams.

    Lest you think this is a joke Orly Tiaz paid a guy in Kenya $10,000 who then produced a fake "real" Obama birth certificate. Of course this was after he cashed the check, and sent her a " ha ha ha sucker" email!

  41. C_R_Eature

    If there's anyone else out there who needs a break from the latest man-made catastrophe in the news or this seemingly unending parade of political Kardashian equivalents, you should go and look at This Photo.

  42. Estproph

    Imagine a world where these nuts are actually correct:

    -All technology actually works by angels and God's will. Internal combustion engines, electronics, computers, everything. All powered by faith and the actions of supernatural beings.

    -All of history has happened because of conspiracies. WWII wasn't a bunch of nations fighting each other, and the Yalta conference really had nothing to do with anything because 3 guys in a back alley in Omaha planned out the entire war.

    -Everyone is an alien. Especially you.

    -Cheetos are a food group.

  43. Dr_pangloss

    Not long ago a friend of mine posted some blather from WND or some similar site about some bullshit. I admonished her not to trust anything on those sites and she got testy with me. Exhibit A.

  44. TribecaMike

    Having to look at photos of a black man for four years is enough to drive even the toughest Anglo-Saxon over the edge.

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