a series of tubes

Breitbart Wants Comcast To Block His Website, Apparently

Private Internet Business TubesToday there seems to be some sort of joke on Breitbart.com, which would be a nice change — after all, we like politics, and we like jokes, so this should be a real treat! So anyway, the joke goes like this: “once, I knew a leftist that was SO DUMB — (how dumb was he?) –- well he was SO DUMB that he thought he could build a business using LEFTIST principles which would never work because of the unregulated nature of the world wide web which currently makes it attractive to private investment in a way that net neutrality will not which is why there are no leftists in the private internet business! And also, Marxism!” Get it? Get it?? That’s ok, neither does your Wonkette, on account of the fact that it might not actually be a “joke” in the way that one would normally conceive of a “joke.” And also because Seton Motley, the author of this joke article essay? doesn’t seem to understand how the Internet came about or how it works, not to mention what the Internet has to do with his lede, which concerns Obama poking his head into executive boardrooms across the country and screaming “YOU DIDN’T BUILD THAT!”

Via Breitbart.com:

Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works, which is remarkable, considering their enormous disdain for it.

Note: hey! This is kind of like how conservatives think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted public sector works, which is remarkable,” considering their enormous disdain for it. Anyway, moving on!

…Let’s look at but one business sector, the World Wide Web – currently under government assault from a myriad directions – and envision what a Leftist Internet would look like. The Web has been wisely, virtually (no pun intended) tax and regulation-free since its private inception.  As a result, it has rapidly become a free speech, free market Xanadu…

Uh…well.  The thing is, Seton, the internet Is not a product of private industry but rather came from a a government project. TCP/IP, for example, was developed on a government contract. Ethernet was developed at a public university and funded by ARPA, which also was a government project. And as the Internet was privatized in 1995, we’ve had a “private Internet” for quite some time now. But getting back to Leftists and how they ruin everything:

So Leftists ask: “How do we make it as difficult as possible for continued private Internet investment?  So it will dry up and leave government as the nation’s sole Internet provider?”

And their answer is “Network Neutrality.”  Robert McChesney, one of the founding fathers of the Media Marxist movement, explains it thus:

At the moment, the battle over network neutrality is not to completely eliminate the telephone and cable companies. We are not at that point yet. But the ultimate goal is to get rid of the media capitalists in the phone and cable companies and to divest them from control….

A government-provided Internet will look like the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), only slower, and with bandwidth rationing – where Leftists will be connected, and we Neanderthals will not.

The real reason Leftists don’t go into the private Internet business is that they don’t want there to be a private Internet.

It will probably not surprise you to learn that Robert McChesney didn’t say EXACTLY that he wanted only Leftists to get the Internet. But it was kind of close, sort of! Well, a little bit. Or actually the opposite. What he said was that “all like Internet content must be treated alike and move at the same speed over the network…All of the intelligence and control is held by producers and users, not the networks that connect them.” And also, what is a “private internet business” because we do not know! And if we did know, maybe more and more of us leftists would be getting one of them!

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Al Gore was quoted out of context! Besides, everyone knows Ted Stevens built the internet, out of a series of tubes left behind by contractors when the remodeled his house, for free. Ted got in trouble for that, which is why he crashed his airplane into the whole kaboodle and my internet connection has been running very slow ever since.

      1. superdave

        You and your so called "facts". They don't conform to what I feel to be true, so I'm going to completely disregard them.

        1. kittensdontlie

          Stevens' lost control of his Tubular Internet Machine(the so called Tiny TIM) with news breaking of suspicians about his first wife's death in an airplane crash and him being Tripp's father. The 'facts' will bear me out on these allegations…

      1. SorosBot

        (Um, you do know that suicidegirls is porn, right? Just porn with a bunch of articles for retention, and mostly showing women with tons of metal and ink covering their bodies)

  1. Biel_ze_Bubba

    A "private internet" is one that's owned by a multi-billionaire, who then charges whatever the hell he can get away with for access.

    And if he decides not to carry "leftist" content, well, that's his right, and certainly OK with Motley and his crew of neanderthals.

    1. Maman

      A private internet would be like our electrical grid. Built by the government then turned over to corporate interests that do nothing but drain every penny out of it while reinvesting the barest minimum for improvements until the system is about to collapse and then demanding cash from the public to pay for the upgrades.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        An infinite supply of power … but highly polluting. No surprise that the Republicans are willing to drill it.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Not soon enough.
      But I'm sure something just as awful (no way it could possibly be worse) would come along and replace it.

      1. Biff

        Which would make it an Aussie gummint project, unless she's related to that other Newton, the one who resigned from his House Speakership.
        Also too: Murdoch=Australian. I just blew my own mind.

      2. SayItWithWookies

        She was in charge of the private enterprise flop, not the big-government success wherein Kubla Khan did a stately pleasure dome decree. But then Ms. Newton-John didn't wear a dowdy green-and-white below-the-knee skirt assemblage, so of course her project was a failure.

        1. CapeClod

          But then the Gays turned it around and made it into a boffo Broadway musical success.

      3. kittensdontlie

        And her husband got wise to the her ruse, and now he is wearing cement shoes under the R. Reagan International Aquatic Marine Preserve/Oil Factory Zone.

    1. ElPinche

      Yeah, the thing filled up an entire side two of Farewell to Kings, and it had NOTHING to with fuckin kings. Geddy Lee=Marxist Gestapo !!

      1. Generation[redacted]

        It sure was. It beat the more well known Duke Nukem Forever by a long shot. But…. it could have been the greatest thing ever!

  2. sewollef

    …. and then there's Tim Berners-Lee [who basically invented the web as we know it], was working at Cern at the time he developed the concept…. which is funded by European governments too. Also.

      1. TribecaMike

        Cool. I know whatcha mean. I once wrote to Murray Gell-Mann asking him how he decided to name the quark after a word from Finnegans Wake, and he replied in a short funny letter that it was his Joyceophile wife's idea. I just about shited myself.

  3. Tundra Grifter

    Right wing nutz and humor are a solid combination – like chocolate covered pickels.

    Writing about net neutrality, they never seem to get around to mentioning that the issue which started the debate was a poor guy trying to download copy of the Bible.

  4. SorosBot

    "Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works, which is remarkable, considering their enormous disdain for it."

    It's not remarkable at all; in fact it's pretty much impossible not to have enormous disdain for the private economy if you actually understand how it works.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      He's a conservative. He assumes that "disdain for" automatically translates into "ignorance of" because that's how it works on his side of the fence.

  5. Doktor Zoom

    So, if "any regulation" equals " Marxist government ownership of everything," then maybe we just acknowledge that existing regulations mean that the Revolution has already happened, we ARE a socialist economy, and so the wingers have already lost, YAY!

  6. weejee

    Regards the Intertubes, what is important is that they meet the Corpse of Engineers' definition of pipularity, that is the outside diameter of any intertube must exceed its inside diameter. Clearly, the NotsoBreitfarters are trying for the opposite.

  7. Goonemeritus

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Breitbart who?
    Breitbart who is still dead.

    Edited to be more Knock Knocky.

  8. MissTaken

    What I watch on YouPorn is my own 'private internet business' and no concern of yours!

        1. Extemporanus

          COMMENT SYNCHRONICTY! (Spoooooky…)

          By the way, your 2 looks pretty lame on those crutches, MissT.

      1. Extemporanus

        For the next 24 minutes, lucky Wonketteers will note that the above four comments' posting times also are a palindrome (or whatever math nerds call that sorta thing.)

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Damn you Extemp. I am *trying* to swear off ScreenCap' addiction! Fighting.. urge… to screencap'… this phenomenon…

          ETA: I think it may be 1 minute off.
          I am so busted if my boss walks by again

          1. Extemporanus

            Torah code ain't got nothin' on us, bitchez!

            (Thank you, Peg — that is a very beautiful thing that you made, and totally worth getting canned over.)

            [ADDING: For those late to the party, I left my own Private Idaho comment at the exact same instant that MissT left her "Extemporanus won't read my comments" comment, and then I left my "COMMENT SYCHRONICTY" comment at the exact same instant that M-Peg left her time referencing "Palindrome" comment, and then we all dry humped each other and took a nap, The End.]

          2. Extemporanus

            Oh, it happened.

            Pop the pimples at the end of Mumbletypeg's comment above, or – for a peek behind the private Internet curtain – follow me.

          3. Mumbletypeg

            I was gonna step in and correct Mr. Wookies.. until it occurred to me his disappointment was registering that there wasn't a screencap available of the above-described threesome in action.
            Probably just a matter of time 'til the technology is available for online tools to relive those salient moments that escaped notice as they ticked past..

          4. SayItWithWookies

            Ha — I didn't even notice your embedded link — of course it was late and I was sleepy, and I'd just gotten my ass kicked in Scrabble and chess so was probably a little out of sorts. Anyway, that's my list of excuses and I'm stickin' to 'em.

  9. BarackMyWorld

    Now that its almost common knowledge the "you didn't build that" quote was talking about infrastructure, the new talking point when confronted with this information seems to be that the private sector DID build it…with their tax dollars (thus somehow disagreeing with the point while simultaneously making it).

  10. Tundra Grifter

    Seton: And those microchips that run the computer you are using? And the transistors before them? And photostatic copy machines before them?

    Government-funded inventions.

  11. sbj1964

    All across America GOP governors are trying to tax sales on the Internet as a source of revenue.So much for no new taxes on business.Such Hypocrites.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Save the small bookstores! Make Amazon charge sales tax!

      Ignore the fact that Amazon's retail price is as low or lower than the discounted price publishers offer those independent bookstores. And Amazon has to inventory the books, pack and ship them to its customers.

      1. va_real

        Save what small bookstores? How can they compete with a business that gets substantially deeper discounts than they do? You will not see me shedding crocodile tears for po widdle Amazon…

  12. SorosBot

    It's ironic that the Breiturd decries the possibility of "bandwidth rationing", which is exactly what net neutrality is designed to prevent; just like they claim government healthcare would lead to medical rationing, when in fact private healthcare kills people through rationing all the time and government controls are needed to prevent that.

    Fucking morans.

  13. Maman

    The problem that I have with idiots is that they are always convinced that they are really clever mostly because they supposedly read something. Reading is nice. Understanding it is even better.

  14. Callyson

    Just tried clicking on that Breitbart link–seems the Internet has a mind of its own regarding this crap:

    Error 400 Bad Request
    Bad Request
    The web server is responding too slowly to service your request. Please try again later.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      No, it's just critiquing your choice as to where you want to navigate. Bad Request!!

    2. Boojum

      So much for Net Neutrality.

      You know, the news media are run by private companies, yet the Right is constantly complaining about "librul bise" from all the Jooze. Just imagine what we could do if we could control content on the Interwebs!

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    "government assault from a myriad directions"

    Maybe the government will make you use a fucking editor. As a leftist, I'm all for that.

    1. Boojum

      His head spins in a myriad directions. And a lot directions. And a bunch directions. And any number directions.

  16. bumfug

    He must be right – everyone knows it's damn near impossible to find a conservative voice on the leftist, government-controlled internet.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, we know what a Rightist Internet looks like, all full of misspellings and bad grammar and innappropriate capitalizations.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      And U.S. flags, angels, weeping eagles, rainbows and unicorns … there never was a bright, shiny thing that they don't love throwing in a post for some demented reason or other.

  18. Beowoof

    Give over control to big corporations, as a matter of fact they should let those financial guys on Wall Street control the whole thing, After all who knows more about giving America the business than those guys.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Of course, government regulating ISPs so they can't sell bandwidth subscriptions to the highest bidder is a form of tyranny. The free market would, in its entirely unregulated wisdom, let your service provider act like Enron did with energy in California, which is everyone's ideal. Except maybe for the regular folks who got all snitty when they had $5,000 electric bills because they don't understand freedom.

    1. SorosBot

      But I thought the California electric crisis was all Grey Davis' fault, that's why the Californians in all their wisdom turned to the musclebound Austrian movie star to save them!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Yeah, all Ahnold had to do was step in and diddle with the maids — I mean fiddle with the knobs.

      2. GeorgiaBurning

        Ahhnold campaigned on a platform of cutting the car registration fees to balance the state budget, and blaming the energy crunch on people who voted against the deregulation in the first place. He also said that California schools were not teaching proper math and logic skills; which was proven by his vote total. That recall was another reason to thank Darrell Issa.

        1. HistoriCat

          The only bright spot in all of the recall was that Darrell didn't get to be governor after spending megabucks and got all teary on television.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Brainless right-tard tries to akt intallaktuel. Mocked endlessly (and deservedly so.)

    I'm surprised he didn't use tubes and valves to describe the intertubes.

  21. sbj1964

    BartBots have never been funny,just sad little troll white guys bitching about how the blackman has taken everything from them.OBAMA 2012 ! Let's give them 4 more years to bitch.

  22. Baconzgood

    "Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)"

    I'm soooooo glad he put that "DMV" there or else I would've been completely lost at what the "DMV" was.

    1. UnholyMoses

      In Missouri, the idiot son (Matt Blunt) of the most corrupt member of Congress (Roy Blunt) privatized the DMV offices.

      That included throwing out perfectly good and nearly brand new computers and other equipment — literally thrown into dumpsters — so the private company could charge a bundle to get even newer stuff.

      Oddly, despite privatization being the bestest thing ever, we don't get any more service or speed from those who work there than we used to — in fact, there are fewer locations and staff so they company can increase its profits.

      1. AbandonHope

        Any chance you were able to get some of those sweet dumpster computers? I want to start a Private Internet and need investment.

    2. prommie

      Unneccesary acronym redundancy, sure sign of a lawyer. That and the fucking shitty in general writing.

  23. Generation[redacted]

    Sigh… I miss the good old days when the Leftists were connected to the Internet, and the Neanderthals were not.

  24. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Hay Zeus fucktwit McChrist, is this guy ignorant. The whole point of the OSI Model is to protect against failure of transmission by abstracting away traffic control.

    Anyone against net neutrality is explicitly for injecting failure into the planet's internet for personal profit, like China, North Korea, Australia, and Iran.

    Seriously, these toadys are just sucking up to rich people, and not even considering the downstream effects of their actions.

    1. AbandonHope

      Don't mention the OSI model! For them the Internet operates on a platform of Patriot blood and Constimatutions.

  25. pdiddycornchips

    "Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works,"


    1. AncienReggie

      That's the part i agreed with. It's those bozos on the right who don't seem to understand economics. Us lefties are pretty clear on the basics of both the private and public sectors. What's not to understand? Money works by circulating; people circulate money by having jobs. It's a fucking miracle!

      1. Boojum

        No! Fiat money works through TRICKERY and GOVERNMENT! Real (gold) money works by collecting it in a pile and running your hands through it while cackling out quotes from Atlas Shrugged.

  26. EatsBabyDingos

    I tried to consult the Oracle at Breitbart, but was told the third stall at the men's room in the Topeka Greyhound Station was closed until they could get a Limbaugh plunger, whatever that is.

  27. ElPinche

    Al Gore is a genius for inventing this thing we call the "Internet" with it vast series of tubes and ancient alien technolologies.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Upon beholding your new avatard, Pinche… I have now earned my neighboring co-worker's full contempt, she just asked me if I was "o.k."
      Thanks for enabling that. Yes.

    1. sbj1964

      I heard he faked his death to get away from all the Ass monkeys at Big Gov.Rumor has it he's working in a Transvestite review in Key West Fla,Living his real dream.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      I'll bet the IT folks are at his desk 10 times a day to respond to some complaint about how his "computer isn't working right."

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          "Here's the problem, Seton, it's infected with viruses you got from visiting all those hentai sites."

  28. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Error 400 Bad Request

    Bad Request

    XID: 857986275

    O: web

    GN: ch-sc-bb-shield1

    The web server is responding too slowly to service your request. Please try again later.


  29. Estproph

    Every morning I begin my day by vomiting up all the whiskey and jizz cocktails from the night before, sparking up a fatty, brushing my teeth with the blood of a fetus, and then I look myself square in the mirror and say

    “How do I make it as difficult as possible for continued private Internet investment? So it will dry up and leave government as the nation’s sole Internet provider?”

    I love my life!

  30. valthemus

    Conservative bloggers are supposed to actually *understand* what their writing about? Since when? I figured they just strung random words together as long as the result was rabid right-wingers quaking with anger, pounding their desks and shouting "DAMN LEFTY MARXISTS!!!"

  31. SmutBoffin

    The Gov't funds basic/curiosity-based research exactly for the reason that it is unlikely to yield short-term dividends. If you were to approach a corporation a few decades ago with the idea of developing an system of networked computers based around a text hyperlinking scheme, they would laugh in your face and say "Why would we do that? That won't make any MONEY."

    Today, corporations are making gigadollars off of (what was years ago) basic research, done by academics, paid for by tax dollars. And idiots at Breitbart dot com have a platform for misinforming people about the basic research — applied research — product development progression.

    Now that is funny.

  32. MonkeyMotion

    "Seton Motley, the author of this joke article essay? doesn’t seem to understand how the Internet came about or how it works."

    And he — like most conservatives — understands even less about humor.

  33. smashedinhat

    I don't mind being called a "Leftist" as a pe·jo·ra·tive because it generally comes from a Fascist! So fu breitbarts ghost!

  34. prommie

    Keep the dadburned socialist government out of my internet and my medicare. And my roads and power lines and sewer and water systems and my student financial aid and my food and drug regulations, too.

  35. qwerty42

    Being a "conservative" means you don't actually have to know anything about anything. You can just make it up. If you don't like SMTP, the free market lets you make up a totally different standard. Freedum!!!

  36. OneYieldRegular

    That's Seton Alexander Baxter Charles Milton Motley Jr. III Esquire to you, rabble!

  37. Naked_Bunny

    A government-provided Internet will look like the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), only slower

    I have to assume people who still flog this meme are driving without licenses. Have they been to a DMV in the last 20 years? Compare it to how long it takes to see a doctor, without having to make an appointment at the DMV.

    and with bandwidth rationing

    Yeah, private industry would never do that. They let you use the internet at full speed as much as you want! And they don't charge you taxes! Just, uh, an expensive subscription, where they also force you to get cable TV and/or telephone service. Also, enjoy your unlimited, unthrottled mobile plan.

    1. AbandonHope

      No kidding — our DMV is run by an evil Socialist Marxist Democrat and it's as smooth as butter. Never once had a problem there.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      I've always had a good experience at DMV. The people are friendly and efficient and appreciate a friendly and patient attitude in return. Of course, the only thing I remember is the one time I showed up without an appointment right after lunch and there was a long line and the bathrooms were out of order. DAMN YOU DMV!!!!11!

  38. Billmatic

    If it says anything about the producers controlling the production it's MARXISM and ERGO, TOTALLY EVIL!!!!

  39. AbandonHope

    where Leftists will be connected, and we Neanderthals will not

    Wait, I thought this guy was supposed to be proposing something scary.

      1. AbandonHope

        More like the pre-AOL days. Back when it took a fair amount of technical knowledge to connect to the Net, the Neanderthals were automatically filtered out.

  40. AbandonHope

    Breitbart.com should be ashamed of itself, using the World Wide Web (developed by a socialist Brit) and a graphical browser (developed by the evil socialist Swiss folks at CERN). They ought to shut that filthy foreign "web" site down and start a proper American Gopher server.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Gopher? Bah! That was built at a leftists University. Real capitalists stick to the private Internets of Compuserv and Prodigy. Their proprietary content channels were built entirely by the private sector and are therefore far superior to anything done on the marxist communication protocols like HTTP or Gopher.

      1. AbandonHope

        Actually, I have to stop for a second and admit that Prodigy was pretty frickin' cool. I remember seeing it at a friend's house on his 386, amazed at the idea of a graphical online system navigable with a mouse. In a world populated solely by ASCII graphics, it was definitely a Big Deal.

  41. owhatever

    The Wonkette and Ms. HuffingtonPost should take this guy out for a drinkee and make him yelp like a little doggie.

  42. Isyaignert

    Thanks for reminding us that them thair Internets is a series of tubes, not trucks. I repeat…tubes, not trucks. Klass dismissed.

  43. arihaya

    “private internet business” is very clearly fapping, unless you're K-Lo which means you don't know what "fap" or "sex" are.

  44. ttommyunger

    These dickwads can write all they want, the far Right doesn't read. If it isn't spoon fed to them by chain emails and Faux Snooze, the so far as they're concerned it just didn't happen.

Comments are closed.