A SERIES OF TUBES  12:58 pm July 24, 2012

Breitbart Wants Comcast To Block His Website, Apparently

by Kris E. Benson

Private Internet Business TubesToday there seems to be some sort of joke on Breitbart.com, which would be a nice change — after all, we like politics, and we like jokes, so this should be a real treat! So anyway, the joke goes like this: “once, I knew a leftist that was SO DUMB — (how dumb was he?) –- well he was SO DUMB that he thought he could build a business using LEFTIST principles which would never work because of the unregulated nature of the world wide web which currently makes it attractive to private investment in a way that net neutrality will not which is why there are no leftists in the private internet business! And also, Marxism!” Get it? Get it?? That’s ok, neither does your Wonkette, on account of the fact that it might not actually be a “joke” in the way that one would normally conceive of a “joke.” And also because Seton Motley, the author of this joke article essay? doesn’t seem to understand how the Internet came about or how it works, not to mention what the Internet has to do with his lede, which concerns Obama poking his head into executive boardrooms across the country and screaming “YOU DIDN’T BUILD THAT!”

Via Breitbart.com:

Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works, which is remarkable, considering their enormous disdain for it.

Note: hey! This is kind of like how conservatives think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted public sector works, which is remarkable,” considering their enormous disdain for it. Anyway, moving on!

…Let’s look at but one business sector, the World Wide Web – currently under government assault from a myriad directions – and envision what a Leftist Internet would look like. The Web has been wisely, virtually (no pun intended) tax and regulation-free since its private inception.  As a result, it has rapidly become a free speech, free market Xanadu…

Uh…well.  The thing is, Seton, the internet Is not a product of private industry but rather came from a a government project. TCP/IP, for example, was developed on a government contract. Ethernet was developed at a public university and funded by ARPA, which also was a government project. And as the Internet was privatized in 1995, we’ve had a “private Internet” for quite some time now. But getting back to Leftists and how they ruin everything:

So Leftists ask: “How do we make it as difficult as possible for continued private Internet investment?  So it will dry up and leave government as the nation’s sole Internet provider?”

And their answer is “Network Neutrality.”  Robert McChesney, one of the founding fathers of the Media Marxist movement, explains it thus:

At the moment, the battle over network neutrality is not to completely eliminate the telephone and cable companies. We are not at that point yet. But the ultimate goal is to get rid of the media capitalists in the phone and cable companies and to divest them from control….

A government-provided Internet will look like the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), only slower, and with bandwidth rationing – where Leftists will be connected, and we Neanderthals will not.

The real reason Leftists don’t go into the private Internet business is that they don’t want there to be a private Internet.

It will probably not surprise you to learn that Robert McChesney didn’t say EXACTLY that he wanted only Leftists to get the Internet. But it was kind of close, sort of! Well, a little bit. Or actually the opposite. What he said was that “all like Internet content must be treated alike and move at the same speed over the network…All of the intelligence and control is held by producers and users, not the networks that connect them.” And also, what is a “private internet business” because we do not know! And if we did know, maybe more and more of us leftists would be getting one of them!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 176 comments }

nounverb911 July 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

And here all along I thought Al Gore invented the internet.

Lascauxcaveman July 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Al Gore was quoted out of context! Besides, everyone knows Ted Stevens built the internet, out of a series of tubes left behind by contractors when the remodeled his house, for free. Ted got in trouble for that, which is why he crashed his airplane into the whole kaboodle and my internet connection has been running very slow ever since.

superdave July 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

You and your so called "facts". They don't conform to what I feel to be true, so I'm going to completely disregard them.

kittensdontlie July 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Stevens' lost control of his Tubular Internet Machine(the so called Tiny TIM) with news breaking of suspicians about his first wife's death in an airplane crash and him being Tripp's father. The 'facts' will bear me out on these allegations…

BoatOfVelociraptors July 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm
IncenseDebate July 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Can we use the r word for this moran?

nounverb911 July 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"Roasting" in hell?

Jus_Wonderin July 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Reprobate

va_real July 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Research- challenged?

Butch_Wagstaff July 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Also "rewrite-challenged".

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:56 pm

[Domain] Registry?

bikerlaureate July 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Republican ?

redarmyzombie July 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

<REDACTED>?

tihond July 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Everyone knows the leftist internet would just look like suicidegirls

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

and porn.

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

(Um, you do know that suicidegirls is porn, right? Just porn with a bunch of articles for retention, and mostly showing women with tons of metal and ink covering their bodies)

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

It is? Ummm… excuse me, I'll be right back.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I meant the non-pink hair and tattoo and piercing porn.

Biff July 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

And thank Dog for that!

GunToting[Redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I'll be in my bunk.

Angry_Marmot July 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I find this easy to type one-handed to.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

A "private internet" is one that's owned by a multi-billionaire, who then charges whatever the hell he can get away with for access.

And if he decides not to carry "leftist" content, well, that's his right, and certainly OK with Motley and his crew of neanderthals.

weejee July 24, 2012 at 1:07 pm

And it is filled with private parts (i.e., porn).

Maman July 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

A private internet would be like our electrical grid. Built by the government then turned over to corporate interests that do nothing but drain every penny out of it while reinvesting the barest minimum for improvements until the system is about to collapse and then demanding cash from the public to pay for the upgrades.

ChillBill July 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"The internetz, how the fuck does it work?"

How long until Breitbart.com runs out of money?

va_real July 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Might depend on who is running it from his trust fund & how much trust remains?

Not_So_Much July 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I believe it runs on the currency of 'Stupid', so never?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

An infinite supply of power … but highly polluting. No surprise that the Republicans are willing to drill it.

Butch_Wagstaff July 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Not soon enough.
But I'm sure something just as awful (no way it could possibly be worse) would come along and replace it.

SayItWithWookies July 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Hey, wasn't Xanadu a big government project too?

nounverb911 July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Wasn't Olivia Newton John in charge of that?

Biff July 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Which would make it an Aussie gummint project, unless she's related to that other Newton, the one who resigned from his House Speakership.
Also too: Murdoch=Australian. I just blew my own mind.

SayItWithWookies July 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

She was in charge of the private enterprise flop, not the big-government success wherein Kubla Khan did a stately pleasure dome decree. But then Ms. Newton-John didn't wear a dowdy green-and-white below-the-knee skirt assemblage, so of course her project was a failure.

CapeClod July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

But then the Gays turned it around and made it into a boffo Broadway musical success.

kittensdontlie July 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

And her husband got wise to the her ruse, and now he is wearing cement shoes under the R. Reagan International Aquatic Marine Preserve/Oil Factory Zone.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It came very close to being the Internet.

ElPinche July 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Yeah, the thing filled up an entire side two of Farewell to Kings, and it had NOTHING to with fuckin kings. Geddy Lee=Marxist Gestapo !!

Nostrildamus July 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Xanadu was "the longest running vaporware story in the history of the computer industry" according to Wired.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 2:22 pm

It sure was. It beat the more well known Duke Nukem Forever by a long shot. But…. it could have been the greatest thing ever!

imissopus July 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Yeah, and then no one could find that damn sled. Stupid inefficient government bureaucrats.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm

The decision to put it in the middle of New Jersey swampland, and to make it as ugly as humanly possible, could only have come from government bureaucrats, so you must be right.

sewollef July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

…. and then there's Tim Berners-Lee [who basically invented the web as we know it], was working at Cern at the time he developed the concept…. which is funded by European governments too. Also.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I emailed that guy once – and he actually responded. I about shit myself.

TribecaMike July 24, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Cool. I know whatcha mean. I once wrote to Murray Gell-Mann asking him how he decided to name the quark after a word from Finnegans Wake, and he replied in a short funny letter that it was his Joyceophile wife's idea. I just about shited myself.

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I find this very difficult to do my private Internet business to.

BaldarTFlagass July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Strawmen, how do they work?

Fairtackle July 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

In this case they are the most legitimate part of the argument.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You set them up, you knock them down.

Oblios_Cap July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

How about a little fire, scarecrow?

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Right wing nutz and humor are a solid combination – like chocolate covered pickels.

Writing about net neutrality, they never seem to get around to mentioning that the issue which started the debate was a poor guy trying to download copy of the Bible.

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

"Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works, which is remarkable, considering their enormous disdain for it."

It's not remarkable at all; in fact it's pretty much impossible not to have enormous disdain for the private economy if you actually understand how it works.

Naked_Bunny July 24, 2012 at 2:46 pm

He's a conservative. He assumes that "disdain for" automatically translates into "ignorance of" because that's how it works on his side of the fence.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

So, if "any regulation" equals " Marxist government ownership of everything," then maybe we just acknowledge that existing regulations mean that the Revolution has already happened, we ARE a socialist economy, and so the wingers have already lost, YAY!

SmutBoffin July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Time for a party! A communist party!

weejee July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Regards the Intertubes, what is important is that they meet the Corpse of Engineers' definition of pipularity, that is the outside diameter of any intertube must exceed its inside diameter. Clearly, the NotsoBreitfarters are trying for the opposite.

Goonemeritus July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Breitbart.
Breitbart who?
Breitbart who is still dead.

Edited to be more Knock Knocky.

MissTaken July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

What I watch on YouPorn is my own 'private internet business' and no concern of yours!

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

And congrats, your p-ness has gotten bigger; and it's all symmetrical now.

MissTaken July 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Thank goodness there are no 7's or Extemporanus would refuse to read my comments.

Mumbletypeg July 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

The 7s, I don't get. The palindrome, I do. Enjoy it for its duration!~

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

COMMENT SYNCHRONICTY! (Spoooooky…)

By the way, your 2 looks pretty lame on those crutches, MissT.

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Is that the one with River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves?

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

For the next 24 minutes, lucky Wonketteers will note that the above four comments' posting times also are a palindrome (or whatever math nerds call that sorta thing.)

MissTaken July 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

So cool. I'm so buying a lottery ticket now.

Mumbletypeg July 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Genius.
Damn you Extemp. I am *trying* to swear off ScreenCap' addiction! Fighting.. urge… to screencap'… this phenomenon…

ETA: I think it may be 1 minute off.
I am so busted if my boss walks by again

Extemporanus July 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Torah code ain't got nothin' on us, bitchez!

(Thank you, Peg — that is a very beautiful thing that you made, and totally worth getting canned over.)

[ADDING: For those late to the party, I left my own Private Idaho comment at the exact same instant that MissT left her "Extemporanus won't read my comments" comment, and then I left my "COMMENT SYCHRONICTY" comment at the exact same instant that M-Peg left her time referencing "Palindrome" comment, and then we all dry humped each other and took a nap, The End.]

SayItWithWookies July 25, 2012 at 12:10 am

Dammit — screencap or it didn't happen.

BarackMyWorld July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Now that its almost common knowledge the "you didn't build that" quote was talking about infrastructure, the new talking point when confronted with this information seems to be that the private sector DID build it…with their tax dollars (thus somehow disagreeing with the point while simultaneously making it).

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Seton: And those microchips that run the computer you are using? And the transistors before them? And photostatic copy machines before them?

Government-funded inventions.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

That CD and DVD you burn your porn and music on…government funded inventions.

sbj1964 July 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

All across America GOP governors are trying to tax sales on the Internet as a source of revenue.So much for no new taxes on business.Such Hypocrites.

Tundra Grifter July 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Save the small bookstores! Make Amazon charge sales tax!

Ignore the fact that Amazon's retail price is as low or lower than the discounted price publishers offer those independent bookstores. And Amazon has to inventory the books, pack and ship them to its customers.

va_real July 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Save what small bookstores? How can they compete with a business that gets substantially deeper discounts than they do? You will not see me shedding crocodile tears for po widdle Amazon…

Biff July 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Totally off-topic, but wtf, the guy's name is Denby, after all…

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

It's ironic that the Breiturd decries the possibility of "bandwidth rationing", which is exactly what net neutrality is designed to prevent; just like they claim government healthcare would lead to medical rationing, when in fact private healthcare kills people through rationing all the time and government controls are needed to prevent that.

Fucking morans.

Maman July 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

The problem that I have with idiots is that they are always convinced that they are really clever mostly because they supposedly read something. Reading is nice. Understanding it is even better.

elviouslyqueer July 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Elitist!

Maman July 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Yes. I am a reality-based-American and proud of it!

Designer_Rants July 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Like when CNN and Fox News read all the way to the 2nd page of the ObamaCare ruling and got FIRSTIES on the TeeVee? Now THAT was clever.

Callyson July 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Just tried clicking on that Breitbart link–seems the Internet has a mind of its own regarding this crap:

Error 400 Bad Request
Bad Request
The web server is responding too slowly to service your request. Please try again later.

BaldarTFlagass July 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

No, it's just critiquing your choice as to where you want to navigate. Bad Request!!

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

It wants to save her from the insane hate-filled racist comments.

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm

So much for Net Neutrality.

You know, the news media are run by private companies, yet the Right is constantly complaining about "librul bise" from all the Jooze. Just imagine what we could do if we could control content on the Interwebs!

Biff July 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

DIE, BREITBART, DIE!

HistoriCat July 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I didn't know you spoke German.

Biff July 24, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Ja!

BaldarTFlagass July 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"government assault from a myriad directions"

Maybe the government will make you use a fucking editor. As a leftist, I'm all for that.

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

His head spins in a myriad directions. And a lot directions. And a bunch directions. And any number directions.

Butch_Wagstaff July 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

All at once and one at a time.

bumfug July 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He must be right – everyone knows it's damn near impossible to find a conservative voice on the leftist, government-controlled internet.

BaldarTFlagass July 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Well, we know what a Rightist Internet looks like, all full of misspellings and bad grammar and innappropriate capitalizations.

ManchuCandidate July 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Also a lot of ads for anal plugs and viagra.

BlueStateLibel July 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And U.S. flags, angels, weeping eagles, rainbows and unicorns … there never was a bright, shiny thing that they don't love throwing in a post for some demented reason or other.

OurHoboSenator July 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Basically just one big Chuck Grassley Tweet

Baconzgood July 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Knock knock
Who's there?
Not A. Breitbart cause he's fucking dead!

(rim shot)

didgen July 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Dead but unfortunately not gone away.

Beowoof July 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Give over control to big corporations, as a matter of fact they should let those financial guys on Wall Street control the whole thing, After all who knows more about giving America the business than those guys.

Designer_Rants July 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Just email me my fuckin' welfare check, fascist. Momma needs a new Cadillac.

SayItWithWookies July 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Of course, government regulating ISPs so they can't sell bandwidth subscriptions to the highest bidder is a form of tyranny. The free market would, in its entirely unregulated wisdom, let your service provider act like Enron did with energy in California, which is everyone's ideal. Except maybe for the regular folks who got all snitty when they had $5,000 electric bills because they don't understand freedom.

SorosBot July 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

But I thought the California electric crisis was all Grey Davis' fault, that's why the Californians in all their wisdom turned to the musclebound Austrian movie star to save them!

SayItWithWookies July 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Yeah, all Ahnold had to do was step in and diddle with the maids — I mean fiddle with the knobs.

GeorgiaBurning July 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Ahhnold campaigned on a platform of cutting the car registration fees to balance the state budget, and blaming the energy crunch on people who voted against the deregulation in the first place. He also said that California schools were not teaching proper math and logic skills; which was proven by his vote total. That recall was another reason to thank Darrell Issa.

HistoriCat July 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

The only bright spot in all of the recall was that Darrell didn't get to be governor after spending megabucks and got all teary on television.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I still think we would have been better off with Gary Coleman.

ManchuCandidate July 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Brainless right-tard tries to akt intallaktuel. Mocked endlessly (and deservedly so.)

I'm surprised he didn't use tubes and valves to describe the intertubes.

sbj1964 July 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

BartBots have never been funny,just sad little troll white guys bitching about how the blackman has taken everything from them.OBAMA 2012 ! Let's give them 4 more years to bitch.

hagajim July 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

How does Breitbart stay afloat without a Breitbart?

Designer_Rants July 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

They're dying for a new cock pic.

ph7 July 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Ask Anna Marie Cox!

ElPinche July 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Dead bloated fart bags have excellent buoyancy.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

He left a floater before he died?

Baconzgood July 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)"

I'm soooooo glad he put that "DMV" there or else I would've been completely lost at what the "DMV" was.

UnholyMoses July 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

In Missouri, the idiot son (Matt Blunt) of the most corrupt member of Congress (Roy Blunt) privatized the DMV offices.

That included throwing out perfectly good and nearly brand new computers and other equipment — literally thrown into dumpsters — so the private company could charge a bundle to get even newer stuff.

Oddly, despite privatization being the bestest thing ever, we don't get any more service or speed from those who work there than we used to — in fact, there are fewer locations and staff so they company can increase its profits.

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Any chance you were able to get some of those sweet dumpster computers? I want to start a Private Internet and need investment.

prommie July 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Unneccesary acronym redundancy, sure sign of a lawyer. That and the fucking shitty in general writing.

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Hey! I would object to that if it weren't true!

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Sigh… I miss the good old days when the Leftists were connected to the Internet, and the Neanderthals were not.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Hay Zeus fucktwit McChrist, is this guy ignorant. The whole point of the OSI Model is to protect against failure of transmission by abstracting away traffic control.

Anyone against net neutrality is explicitly for injecting failure into the planet's internet for personal profit, like China, North Korea, Australia, and Iran.

Seriously, these toadys are just sucking up to rich people, and not even considering the downstream effects of their actions.

weejee July 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

To the barricades routers citizens!

HistoriCat July 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

The downstream effects of their actions are a feature not a bug.

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Don't mention the OSI model! For them the Internet operates on a platform of Patriot blood and Constimatutions.

pdiddycornchips July 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

"Leftists think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works,"

WARNING!! STRAWMAN APPROACHING!!!

AncienReggie July 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That's the part i agreed with. It's those bozos on the right who don't seem to understand economics. Us lefties are pretty clear on the basics of both the private and public sectors. What's not to understand? Money works by circulating; people circulate money by having jobs. It's a fucking miracle!

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

No! Fiat money works through TRICKERY and GOVERNMENT! Real (gold) money works by collecting it in a pile and running your hands through it while cackling out quotes from Atlas Shrugged.

Ducksworthy July 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Hmmm. Opposing net neutrality on the intertubes? How quaint.

EatsBabyDingos July 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I tried to consult the Oracle at Breitbart, but was told the third stall at the men's room in the Topeka Greyhound Station was closed until they could get a Limbaugh plunger, whatever that is.

ElPinche July 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Al Gore is a genius for inventing this thing we call the "Internet" with it vast series of tubes and ancient alien technolologies.

Mumbletypeg July 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Upon beholding your new avatard, Pinche… I have now earned my neighboring co-worker's full contempt, she just asked me if I was "o.k."
Thanks for enabling that. Yes.

ElPinche July 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

BWAHAHA! You are very welcome sir!

BoatOfVelociraptors July 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm
MissTaken July 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Net Neutrality killed Breitbart!

sbj1964 July 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I heard he faked his death to get away from all the Ass monkeys at Big Gov.Rumor has it he's working in a Transvestite review in Key West Fla,Living his real dream.

SayItWithWookies July 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

We need more of it then — but faster.

CapeClod July 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I'm wondering if this guy can dress himself without help.

OneYieldRegular July 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I'll bet the IT folks are at his desk 10 times a day to respond to some complaint about how his "computer isn't working right."

CapeClod July 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

To which the IT guys first ask, "Have you tried turning it on?"

Butch_Wagstaff July 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

"Here's the problem, Seton, it's infected with viruses you got from visiting all those hentai sites."

Oblios_Cap July 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Projection – it's not just for breakfast anymore!

BoatOfVelociraptors July 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Error 400 Bad Request

Bad Request

XID: 857986275

O: web

GN: ch-sc-bb-shield1

The web server is responding too slowly to service your request. Please try again later.

BAHAHA!!!

ElPinche July 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

LMFAO!!! Damn you leftist internets!!!

Estproph July 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Every morning I begin my day by vomiting up all the whiskey and jizz cocktails from the night before, sparking up a fatty, brushing my teeth with the blood of a fetus, and then I look myself square in the mirror and say

“How do I make it as difficult as possible for continued private Internet investment? So it will dry up and leave government as the nation’s sole Internet provider?”

I love my life!

Boojum July 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

So, that makes you a center right voter?

iburl July 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Do you like toll roads? You'll love the free enterprise internet.

valthemus July 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Conservative bloggers are supposed to actually *understand* what their writing about? Since when? I figured they just strung random words together as long as the result was rabid right-wingers quaking with anger, pounding their desks and shouting "DAMN LEFTY MARXISTS!!!"

SmutBoffin July 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

The Gov't funds basic/curiosity-based research exactly for the reason that it is unlikely to yield short-term dividends. If you were to approach a corporation a few decades ago with the idea of developing an system of networked computers based around a text hyperlinking scheme, they would laugh in your face and say "Why would we do that? That won't make any MONEY."

Today, corporations are making gigadollars off of (what was years ago) basic research, done by academics, paid for by tax dollars. And idiots at Breitbart dot com have a platform for misinforming people about the basic research — applied research — product development progression.

Now that is funny.

MonkeyMotion July 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"Seton Motley, the author of this joke article essay? doesn’t seem to understand how the Internet came about or how it works."

And he — like most conservatives — understands even less about humor.

smashedinhat July 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I don't mind being called a "Leftist" as a pe·jo·ra·tive because it generally comes from a Fascist! So fu breitbarts ghost!

prommie July 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Keep the dadburned socialist government out of my internet and my medicare. And my roads and power lines and sewer and water systems and my student financial aid and my food and drug regulations, too.

qwerty42 July 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Being a "conservative" means you don't actually have to know anything about anything. You can just make it up. If you don't like SMTP, the free market lets you make up a totally different standard. Freedum!!!

OneYieldRegular July 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That's Seton Alexander Baxter Charles Milton Motley Jr. III Esquire to you, rabble!

Fraudulently_Joe July 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Derpanet.

Naked_Bunny July 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

A government-provided Internet will look like the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), only slower

I have to assume people who still flog this meme are driving without licenses. Have they been to a DMV in the last 20 years? Compare it to how long it takes to see a doctor, without having to make an appointment at the DMV.

and with bandwidth rationing

Yeah, private industry would never do that. They let you use the internet at full speed as much as you want! And they don't charge you taxes! Just, uh, an expensive subscription, where they also force you to get cable TV and/or telephone service. Also, enjoy your unlimited, unthrottled mobile plan.

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

No kidding — our DMV is run by an evil Socialist Marxist Democrat and it's as smooth as butter. Never once had a problem there.

Naked_Bunny July 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I usually spend more time waiting to get my hair cut.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I've always had a good experience at DMV. The people are friendly and efficient and appreciate a friendly and patient attitude in return. Of course, the only thing I remember is the one time I showed up without an appointment right after lunch and there was a long line and the bathrooms were out of order. DAMN YOU DMV!!!!11!

Billmatic July 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If it says anything about the producers controlling the production it's MARXISM and ERGO, TOTALLY EVIL!!!!

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm

where Leftists will be connected, and we Neanderthals will not

Wait, I thought this guy was supposed to be proposing something scary.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Sounds like he's proposing a return to the pre-Facebook days.

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:29 pm

More like the pre-AOL days. Back when it took a fair amount of technical knowledge to connect to the Net, the Neanderthals were automatically filtered out.

Guppy July 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

The private internet.

And for you people running IE at work, nostalgia!

Naked_Bunny July 24, 2012 at 2:21 pm

50 thumbs up

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Breitbart.com should be ashamed of itself, using the World Wide Web (developed by a socialist Brit) and a graphical browser (developed by the evil socialist Swiss folks at CERN). They ought to shut that filthy foreign "web" site down and start a proper American Gopher server.

Generation[redacted] July 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Gopher? Bah! That was built at a leftists University. Real capitalists stick to the private Internets of Compuserv and Prodigy. Their proprietary content channels were built entirely by the private sector and are therefore far superior to anything done on the marxist communication protocols like HTTP or Gopher.

AbandonHope July 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Actually, I have to stop for a second and admit that Prodigy was pretty frickin' cool. I remember seeing it at a friend's house on his 386, amazed at the idea of a graphical online system navigable with a mouse. In a world populated solely by ASCII graphics, it was definitely a Big Deal.

Naked_Bunny July 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm

That's why The Microsoft Network did so well before they spoiled it by connecting it to the socialist Internet.

owhatever July 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The Wonkette and Ms. HuffingtonPost should take this guy out for a drinkee and make him yelp like a little doggie.

mavenmaven July 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Internet, hoverounds, what's the difference?

Isyaignert July 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

We were promised jet packs, damn it!! I want a gd jet pack!!

Isyaignert July 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Thanks for reminding us that them thair Internets is a series of tubes, not trucks. I repeat…tubes, not trucks. Klass dismissed.

arihaya July 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

“private internet business” is very clearly fapping, unless you're K-Lo which means you don't know what "fap" or "sex" are.

Fraudulently_Joe July 25, 2012 at 7:47 am

Breitbart? Not understanding how the Internet works?? That's un-possible!

ttommyunger July 25, 2012 at 8:03 am

These dickwads can write all they want, the far Right doesn't read. If it isn't spoon fed to them by chain emails and Faux Snooze, the so far as they're concerned it just didn't happen.

HistoriCat July 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Just imagine if Arianna Huffington had won – no HuffPo!

Extemporanus July 25, 2012 at 3:19 am

Oh, it happened.

Pop the pimples at the end of Mumbletypeg's comment above, or – for a peek behind the private Internet curtain – follow me.

Mumbletypeg July 25, 2012 at 9:02 am

I was gonna step in and correct Mr. Wookies.. until it occurred to me his disappointment was registering that there wasn't a screencap available of the above-described threesome in action.
Probably just a matter of time 'til the technology is available for online tools to relive those salient moments that escaped notice as they ticked past..

SayItWithWookies July 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

Ha — I didn't even notice your embedded link — of course it was late and I was sleepy, and I'd just gotten my ass kicked in Scrabble and chess so was probably a little out of sorts. Anyway, that's my list of excuses and I'm stickin' to 'em.

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