the boys on the bus

GQ Has All The Mitt Romney’s Penis News

Excellent, gentlesSome ‘Wells Tower’ character — if that even is his real name — has apparently spent the last five months following Mitt Romney around Oklahoma and Michigan and auditioning for Wonkette. Herewith are some of the things that he has learned:

• Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base. Good idea.

• Romney’s mother was a Hollywood hopeful until George Romney successfully pressured her to quash those hopes to make more time for whelping.

• Romney is partly named for Mormon scrillionaire J. Willard Marriott.

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• Mitt was a mediocre student and a dismal athlete.

• I knew that Mitt had some relatives in Mexico. I did not know that they were the offspring of Mitt’s great-grandfather Miles P. Romney, who fled to Mexico during the great polygamy crackdown following the Civil War. It was not Miles’s idea but a direct order from church leaders, who thought it important that Miles live in a place where he could ball a full harem with impunity.

• Mitt has said this about polygamy: “I must admit, I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.” This is a failure of imagination. I can, in a split second, imagine lots of things more awful than polygamy. One, two, three, go! The Holocaust, guzzling a bucket of pus, a baboon fucking a human baby. I could quite easily go on but shall not.

• Detroit, where George ultimately moved, was once home to a polygamists’ prison where Miles Romney would have been incarcerated if he’d been brought to justice for that scene he had going down Mexico way.

• Five was the number of Miles Romney’s wives.

• Following the pus-and-baboon motif: An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as “a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard,” in addition to recommending his hanging.

• In college, Mitt kept a picture of his father on his desk, and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank.

• Mitt once did the moonwalk.

• In 2005, Romney rather cynically effaced his identity as a pro-choice, gay-friendly centrist and became a social conservative. One of the more appalling elements of the transformation: He reversed an earlier avowal that he hoped stem cells might cure Ann’s multiple sclerosis.

Also? Evidence suggests Mitt dresses “to the left.”

[GQ]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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190 comments

      1. Preferred Customer

        She rode in the back of a couple of Cadillacs. If you know what I mean. AND I THINK YOU DO.

  1. FakaktaSouth

    "and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank."

    So he was completely sober and swear-free when he pounced upon anyone he deemed gay and in need of forced-personal-grooming? Well that IS nice.

    1. prommie

      Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, what good is he? Probably ain't never stripped for anyone either. Worthless.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          Ah, the old high school cheer, "We don't drink! We don't smoke! Norfolk! Norfolk!"

          Lies, all of it, of course.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            I don't really mind showing my age when I say our class cheer was "We smoke pot! We drink wine! We are the class of '79!"

            As if we ever had to tell anybody…

          2. Geminisunmars

            Just think how much fun we of the class of '69 actually had. Our class moniker was "The Epicureans".

          3. tessiee

            Sex is great, booze is fine, we're the class of 69*

            *Every class had this poem; 69 had to be underlined several times to be sure everybody got it.

      1. vtxmcrider

        Be grateful. A naked vulture capitalist is not attractive. He stares into your eyes while smiling, while his hardening penis works its way into your wallet.

  2. prommie

    "Ball a full harem with impunity." That phrase is just beautiful. Thats just something you know noone ever said ever in all history before. Its like walking on the moon, saying something so wonderfully odd.

  3. noodlesalad

    I call bullshit. Mitt Romney has never moonwalked. He's just friends with the people who own the moon.

  4. GlowneyHouse

    Brigham Young tends to disagree with you, Mitt… "Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned," (Journal of Discourses, vol. 3, p. 266). Also, "The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy," (Journal of Discourses, vol. 11, p. 269).
    http://carm.org/brigham-young-quotes

    1. AbandonHope

      That's okay, though, because God changed His mind about it, because He does these things. He's fickle that way, dont'cha know.

  5. iburl

    "An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as “a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard,” in addition to recommending his hanging."

    I guess they endorsed Santorum.

    1. kittensdontlie

      "Butter melts to the base" ??? Mitt is not too familiar with the art of muffinry or the culinary arts in general.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        If you believe in golden plates with a magic language and having your own planet when you die, it's not much of a stretch to imagine melting butter seeping to the bottom, even if that doesn't actually happen.

      2. Geminisunmars

        Dayum! No wonder I've been gaining weight. I've been eating the muffin bottoms, thinking that the butter bubbled to the top while baking.

        1. kittensdontlie

          You People need to pay better attention…..Trickle Down is not only a theory for economics but for Life,…and Afterlife.

  6. SorosBot

    My muffin top is all that.
    Whole-grain, low-fat.
    I know you wanna piece of that,
    But I just wanna dance.

    Ch-checkin' out my sweet hips,
    My sugar-coated berry lips.
    I know you wanna get with this,
    But I'm just here to dance.

      1. SorosBot

        Hey Mitt gives good money to charity – charity in his case being the required donations to his church, and absolutely nothing else, certainly no organization that actually helps people.

  7. fuflans

    An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as “a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard,” in addition to recommending his hanging.

    today they just make them sheriff.

  8. prommie

    I don't understand this hatred for polygamy; I mean seriously, can't we be honest, who among us hasn't been tempted, or at least curious? I myself have only narrowly avoided bigamy, which is the gateway -igamy to polygamy.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I'm willing to keep an open mind on being one of multiple husbands until I see the contract spelling out the precise division of labor.

          1. tessiee

            if you're still married to your one and only wife, you're allowed to eat at Chick-Fil-A.

      2. viennawoods13

        I could do it, as long one of the other wives got assigned the dealing with him when he can't find his fucking reading glasses.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        My mom, 40 years ago, reaching for the soap, after I said Damn. Zest doesn't taste very good.

        Of course, now, she has a plethora of cuss/curse words she uses (to effect).

    1. prommie

      This is not snark at all, it just is, rich people often use terms from dog-breeding and horse-breeding when talking about people. They speak of "blood" and "good stock" and good parentage and good people. They use terms speak of things which reflect their belief in some kind of inherited moral superiority. You know, nobility, like they are gentry and just born better than the commoners. Its a real thing. Its creepy when you hear it in person.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          President Bush, in his cute little flight suit, across the deck of the USS Lincoln.

          1. tessiee

            Mr. Burns: Too much dancing, and not enough prancing!
            Smithers: A little more mincing would be nice.

          2. prommie

            That was amongst the best ever scenes. I do love me some Simpsons. My nightly re-runs now are from just 3 or 4 years ago, which is shit, I want first 6 or 7 seasons, all the time, forever.

      1. tessiee

        "rich people often use terms from dog-breeding and horse-breeding when talking about people. They speak of "blood" and "good stock" and good parentage and good people. They use terms speak of things which reflect their belief in some kind of inherited moral superiority."

        "She wasn't ever happy unless horses or humans were breeding right in her face" — Grandma Fontaine, referring to Mrs. Tarleton, in "Gone with the Wind"

    2. vtxmcrider

      Dog breeders use it to refer to the female birthing her pups. In common parlance one could say, "That bitch Ann Romney whelped five military-avoiding trust fund males."

  9. iburl

    Ann, I know you'd like to not have MS, but think of the bigger picture… I need to appeal to these anti-science cretins that are in the GOP if I want to win. Sorry, dear.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I hate it when medical facts make me feel kinda sorry for a lady attached to a quarter-billion dollar fortune. I'm pretty sure she's not someone I'd like to have a beer with.

  10. SorosBot

    “I must admit, I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.”

    I can think of something much more awful than polygamy: a form of polygamy wherein families force their young daughters, at around only 13 or 14 years old, to marry old men against their will and be repeatedly raped by their "husbands" alongside the other unwilling wives.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Mittens once had an awkward moment to see if it felt like all of the other awkward moments in his life.

  11. CapeClod

    Is this guy related to the former Governor of Massachusetts? If so, they don't agree on anything.

  12. elburritodeluxe

    The gay-loving, health-care providing abortionist is the anti-Mitt. The anti-Mitt has white hair with a black stripe above his ears, wears white pinstripe suits all the time and lives in Taxachusetts. He and the Mitt Romney from this Universe are locked in an eternal Liberal-Conservative struggle. If one of them ever manages to beat the other the GOP is doomed!

    1. TootsStansbury

      OT but two muffins were sitting in the oven and the one muffin says "Hey it"s getting hot in here.". And the other muffin says "AHHH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

  13. Goonemeritus

    He reminds me of those sell your house shows that recommend baking cookies before a showing to set the stage. Except for the Republican electorate hate and greed is their equivalent to a nice warm chocolate chip cookie.

  14. hagajim

    The only reason Mittens can't think of anything worse than polygamy is because he has no damned imagination….either that or his $1,000 dollar blouse wearing wife has him beat down so bad he can only think how much worse his life would be with another pair of Manolo's on his nutsack.

  15. SoBeach

    In college, Mitt kept a picture of his father on his desk, and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank.

    If my father ever saw a picture of himself on my desk in college he would have gone fishing through the mini-fridge looking for beer and said "Shit SoBeach, how do you expect to get laid like this?"

  16. prommie

    Hey, Mitt and I are left-dressing brothers! Maybe I can get a job in the administration, of he wins!

  17. SexySmurf

    Up-fist for the Arizona newspaper editor. That's how people used to snark before they invented the bag of lightly salted rat dicks.

    It was a simpler time.

  18. mrpuma2u

    The polygamist ancestor stuff is mildly intriguing, but I am mostly really looking forward to when this fucktard loses to Barry O, and we no longer need to hear from or about him. Come O sweet obscurity, to Willard on Nov 9th, and save us all from further thought processes wasted upon him.

  19. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. couldn't make out the part about Mitt's goober; it was, fittingly, printed in such a tiny font.

  20. CapeClod

    “I must admit, I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.”

    This, coming from a man who willingly ate cheezy grits just to gain favor with the locals.

  21. Estproph

    Is this J.Willard Marriott THE Marriott, of the hotel chain? I will never stay in one again if so. No more reward points for me.

    1. James Michael Curley

      And the J. Willlard Marriot who, as a member of Nixon's inner circle, compiled the "Enemies List."

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Yepper, the last time I stayed in a Marriott, there was a big old Mormon book, like whatever they call that thing, The Book of Mormon in the Bible drawer. Like I said, that was the LAST time.

  22. ThundercatHo

    "…the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base." Yep, that about sums up the long range GOP strategy.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Given that the "base" consists mainly of large bipedal or Hoveround-propelled blobs of lipid, Mitt is indeed correct in his assessment.
      Of course, "igniting the base" could result in losing your eyebrows in the worlds largest ever cooking fat fire. Still worth it, though.

    2. vtxmcrider

      Chris Christie is pissed that Mitt didn't save those greasy, butter-filled muffin bottoms for him.

  23. AbandonHope

    the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base

    Are you seriously kidding me, Romney?

    Fucking homogeneous mixtures, how do they work?

  24. ibwilliamsi

    "Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base."

    Has no knowledge of basic science, including that of viscosity. Oh, and NEVER COOKED A THING IN HIS LIFE.

  25. Barb_

    He wasn't doing the moonwalk, he was just walking back something that he said previously. And for those who didn't think Mitt was a good athlete, the man runs with flip flops now like an Olympic champion.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Reminds me of a character from Discworld. His nickname was mayonnaise because he was rich, oily, and thick.

  26. Dudleydidwrong

    you can eat muffin tops if you want to,
    you can leave your friends behind.
    'cause if your friends eat all
    then you think "they're really small
    and they're no friends of mine."

    you can eat muffin tops if you want to
    leave the buttery stuff in the pan,
    and you think you're great
    but you hardly rate
    a zero from your one fan.

    you can run for prez if you want to,
    disavow all you said before.
    you can kiss the asses,
    suck the cocks of the masses;
    you're nothing but a whore.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    "In college, Mitt kept a picture of his father on his desk, and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank."

    I see a commercial — a montage with pirates, low-flying helicopters, a scene from an earthquake, relief workers, a forest fire, and then Mitt saying something about not drinking or maybe just saying "varmint." The voice over says "In these uncertain times, can America really afford to elect its first sissy president?"

    Then a clip of President Obama announcing bin Laden's death, and "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message."

    1. HistoriCat

      He doesn't even need to the bin Laden death announcement – just that strong-walk approval message from the "Mitt sings" ad would do it.

    2. tessiee

      The only way this could possibly be better is if President Obama took out his dick and repeatedly slapped Romney across the face with it.

  28. chascates

    I get the feeling Mitt would be better as President of Mexico than of the United States.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    "Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins…"

    I just can't trust a man who takes his life lessons from old episodes of Seinfeld.

  30. deanbooth

    I can’t imagine anything…

    A failure of imagination is the right's core flaw. It makes it possible for them to believe their own bullshit.

  31. Dashboard Buddha

    "the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base "

    If this is his logic, and he's elected president, we might as well shut down the big American science thing. "Will the last scientist turn off the light as he locks the door?"

  32. Mumbletypeg

    From the GQ piece:

    I have been forewarned that, on the stump, Romney's humanity is rarely manifest

    I'm really starting to think Mitt never met a pastry that didn't puzzle him.

  33. Dashboard Buddha

    "Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins"

    At the alternative school where I taught many of the young ladies had difficulty reconciling the love of beer, the love of tight jeans, and the love of midriff shirts. We had more muffin tops than Dunkin' Doughnuts at 5AM.

    However, given the randiness, and in some cases sexual predation of the boys, I can only imagine what happened to the muffin bottoms.

  34. Fraudulently_Joe

    Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base. Good idea.

    Truly spoken like someone who has never cooked his own food for himself, ever, in his entire life.

  35. el_donaldo

    That's some pretty meager penis information. This does not bode well for a rich and exciting Cocktober.

  36. JustPixelz

    “I believe the people should have the right to bear arms, but I don’t believe that we have to have assault weapons as part of our personal arsenal,” [Romney] said on Fox News in 2004

    He's wrong. The Second Amendment was about bearing arms for a well regulated militia. The Founders were not concerned about hunting and target practice and self-defense. They wanted a citizen army in case of invasion or insurrection. In today's terms that would mean having an assault rifle (and a tank and a drone) in your home.

    He's right. (I just flip-flopped for him.) A modern assault rifle is a remarkably lethal weapon. Nineteenth and most of the twentieth century wars were fought by massed armies with tens of thousands of soldiers. Today's urbanized warfare is largely fought by fire teams of a dozen soldiers. The difference is the firepower of automatic weapons. Now available in a store near you.

  37. MissTaken

    Detroit, where George ultimately moved, was once home to a polygamists’ prison

    Trust me, avoid the polygamist prison on Conjugal Visit Day. So many sister wives, so little time.

  38. Blueb4sinrise

    More by the Arizona editor who was anti-Mormon. If alive today, would have been banned by R.S., and maybe elected Governor of Az.

    How did Missouri and Illinois get rid of the Mormons? By the use of the shotgun and rope. Apache County can rid herself of them also. In a year from now the Mormons will have the power here and Gentiles had better leave. Don't let them get it.

    Desperate diseases need desperate remedies. The Mormon disease is a desperate one and the rope and the shotgun are the only cure. The government refuses to do anything, and the people of Apache County must do something or the Mormons will soon drive them out. Take the needed steps while there is yet time. Don't let them settle on any more of our lands; don't let them stop in Apache County; hang a few of their polygamist leaders such as Jesse N. Smith, Udall, Romney, Hunt and others of their nature, and a stop will be put to it.

    http://familytreemaker.genealogy.com/users/a/u/l/

  39. lunchbox360

    A baboon fucking a human baby? What kind of warped, twisted, sadistic person even thinks that up? Also, I'm super pissed didn't think of it first.

  40. UnholyMoses

    The words "penis" and "Mitt Romney" should only be used if the words "is a giant" are in between them.

    1. Harrison Wintergreen

      "My penis is a giant Mitt Romney".

      I'm finding it difficult to masturbate to this.

  41. HistoriCat

    “I must admit, I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.”

    That seems to say an awful lot about Ann Romney.

  42. Chichikovovich

    • Mitt was a mediocre student and a dismal athlete.

    And yet he got into Harvard Law School without benefit of Affirmative Action. It's good to know that a white man who merely has a father who is incredibly wealthy, the governor of a state, a future cabinet member and future presidential candidate can get a break sometimes.

  43. rickmaci

    "An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as “a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard,” in addition to recommending his hanging."

    No f*ing shit. I think I would have liked Miles Romney. Too bad the personality genes got mutated out of the family. If only stem cells could fix that.

  44. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base."

    An analogy for his general outlook on life, I suppose.

  45. An_Outhouse

    "Evidence suggests Mitt dresses “to the left.” "
    Really? based on evidence to date I assumed MittBot was as anatomically correct as a Ken doll.

  46. tessiee

    "Evidence suggests Mitt dresses “to the left.”"

    OK, the pus filled baboon was a mental picture everybody was OK with, BUT THEN YOU HAD TO GO TOO FAR!!!

  47. tessiee

    "Mitt once did the moonwalk"

    And is therefore a kickass regular guy who Joe the Plumber could have a few beers with, and totally not an out-of-touch, ramrod-up-his-ass, billionaire wimp.

  48. tessiee

    "Mitt once did the moonwalk"

    That must have been a nice change of pace from his day in day out existence of doing the Robot.

  49. SigDeFlyinMonky

    This man has never set foot in the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. We must not allow this ignorance of research methodology to infest our executive branch… again!

  50. Abernathy

    Of course Mittens won't touch anything that trickles down, even if it is delicious, delicious butter. Lord Romney trickles; he does not receive trickles!

  51. Abernathy

    If he tosses the topless muffin to a street urchin, can he write that off as charity?

  52. tessiee

    If he ever gets tired of muffins, I'm sure the help would be delighted to bake him a special chocolate pie.

Comments are closed.