Excellent, gentlesSome ‘Wells Tower’ character — if that even is his real name — has apparently spent the last five months following Mitt Romney around Oklahoma and Michigan and auditioning for Wonkette. Herewith are some of the things that he has learned:

• Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base. Good idea.

• Romney’s mother was a Hollywood hopeful until George Romney successfully pressured her to quash those hopes to make more time for whelping.

• Romney is partly named for Mormon scrillionaire J. Willard Marriott.

• Mitt was a mediocre student and a dismal athlete.

• I knew that Mitt had some relatives in Mexico. I did not know that they were the offspring of Mitt’s great-grandfather Miles P. Romney, who fled to Mexico during the great polygamy crackdown following the Civil War. It was not Miles’s idea but a direct order from church leaders, who thought it important that Miles live in a place where he could ball a full harem with impunity.

• Mitt has said this about polygamy: “I must admit, I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.” This is a failure of imagination. I can, in a split second, imagine lots of things more awful than polygamy. One, two, three, go! The Holocaust, guzzling a bucket of pus, a baboon fucking a human baby. I could quite easily go on but shall not.

• Detroit, where George ultimately moved, was once home to a polygamists’ prison where Miles Romney would have been incarcerated if he’d been brought to justice for that scene he had going down Mexico way.

• Five was the number of Miles Romney’s wives.

• Following the pus-and-baboon motif: An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as “a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard,” in addition to recommending his hanging.

• In college, Mitt kept a picture of his father on his desk, and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank.

• Mitt once did the moonwalk.

• In 2005, Romney rather cynically effaced his identity as a pro-choice, gay-friendly centrist and became a social conservative. One of the more appalling elements of the transformation: He reversed an earlier avowal that he hoped stem cells might cure Ann’s multiple sclerosis.

Also? Evidence suggests Mitt dresses “to the left.”


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