not enough bongo

This Old Man By The River Has the Perfect Mitt Romney Theme Song

Here is a man who calls himself the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” and “Co Prophet of the End Times” in front of a green screen, playing a beautiful song on his keyboard called “Mitt Romney, A Hero In My Mind.” You should all listen to it, if you care about anything culture-related.

A little bit more about our mysterious siren here from his YouTube bio, “About Third Eagle’s Prophecies and Warnings”:

My title “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” came to me when I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”. Now, I should explain, I do not hear voices, but sometimes God gives prophecy to me by a revelation which I know comes not from my own thoughts but outside my mind. My title “Co Prophet of the End Times” means that I complete the end times prophecies of Daniel, Ezekiel, Esther, John and even of our Lord in the Olivet Discourse (Matthew 24-25).

So… parody? Yea or nay?

[JoeMyGod via Andrew Sullivan]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. SmutBoffin

    Isn't it more traditional for Harbingers of the Apocalypse to play trumpets and not keyboards?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I think for the modern age, harbingers of the apocalypse will be playing keytars.

        1. tessiee

          "Linda McCartney was Jesus?"

          Judging by the pictures of Jesus I've seen, he was a lot prettier than Linda.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Later chroniclers changed it to trumpets for a bit more dramatic punch, but in the original manuscripts the Apocalypse was announced by four overweight old ladies in sweat pants, alternating between "Blame it on the Bossa Nova" and "Chicken Dance" on a Hammond organ.

  2. Dashboard Buddha

    "I do not hear voices,"

    That's good to know.

    "He told me…”

    Now wait a minute. "I don't hear voices" and "he told me" are kind of that mutually contradictory thing-y the young people are all talking about these days.

      1. savethispatient

        Haha… On first glance I thought that, but I was not going to say it here. There is such thing as libel, you know!

        Also, I want another meetup to happen.

  3. memzilla

    I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”.

    He's confusing being bald, with being a bald eagle.

  4. bumfug

    What have we learned today? Mostly that batshit crazy people are getting more tech savvy every week.

    1. HistoriCat

      Bah – the real batshit crazy people don't rely on third parties like Youtube. This guy is about 0.1 to 0.15 Timecubes on the crazy scale.

    1. The_Lucky_Wife

      And he has a more pleasant facial expression. He really seems to be enjoying himself. Mittens looks like he's getting an enema when he has to pretend to interact with "you people."

  5. sbj1964

    Evolution is true.Diversity within a species. You have Einstein on one end ,and this guy/Sarah Palin/Michell bachmann/the RNC/Mittens,and ABBA fans on the other end.The shallow end of the gene pool.

  6. noodlesalad

    I think this is the antithesis of the double rainbow guy. The double rainbow antichrist, as it were.

  7. LastGasp

    … I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”

    Whoa, that's the sign to stop paying attention to this delusional man right now.

  8. FakaktaSouth

    Wait, which God told him that he was the Eagle? His Jesus' daddy, or the one in whom Mitt's people believe? Who's saving whom here in this song? FACTS in your Patrio-Jesus-Anthems – that's all I am asking for. (shut up I know)

    Also, are you supposed to say "what a crock" when warbling on terribly about Jesus? I thought that's what people thought we were so tacky for here.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You have to have such beautifully outstanding legs to be able to end them with a pair of rubber shoes, people just can't keep up. Of course, I still wear the ORIGINAL rubber shoe jellies I had in 1983.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Wait, so the Passion of the Christ is a porno? Maybe I DO want to see that after all.

        1. prommie

          Seriously, Last Temptation is the one Jeebus movie to watch if ya gotta watch a jeebus movie.

    1. fuflans

      maybe it's just me, but i would think any self-respecting eagle of the apocalypse would have more 'talons of death' and less 'golf shirt'.

  9. Schmannnity

    Who cares about the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse?" I want to know who is the third jackass.

    1. noodlesalad

      Sorry, I'm the second eagle. I do soundboard mixing and upload the videos. And also I will throw the whore of Babylon into a lake of sulfur, when the time comes. I think we're looking for a fourth, if you're interested.

        1. noodlesalad

          It's not you, it's the first eagle. He got an offer to be one of the jaguars of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and couldn't turn it down.

      1. ChernobylSoup

        So basically you cause one plague and then split? Taking it to the limit, indeed.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Hey, I'm just trying to keep my wick trimmed….but I think this guy is in my exercise gym, watching Faux while he hums to himself on the cross-trainer….

  10. coolhandnuke

    Needz Phyliss Schlafley strumming a harp and Ashcroft yodelling for this to be a true apocalyptic eagle forum.

  11. ChernobylSoup

    Peter got away with denying Jesus 3 times. I reckon this fella could deny Him, like, 1000s of times and Jesus would be cool with it.

    1. LastGasp

      White Horse Prophesy — that's a great name for my extremist Christian Bible-lecturing pseudo-pop band I'm putting together. And this guy will be playing the keyboards.

        1. James Michael Curley

          It’s Great Beds Lighthouse in the Raratin Bay. It’s visible from my front door. Although that’s my picture, I haven’t modified it to fit the avatar format so it looks out of proportion. Hey, some like ‘em longer and some like ‘em thicker. I’m thinking taking Ms. Curley on an afternoon cruise later next month where the NY/NJ Baykeeper will tour about a dozen off shore and on shore light houses in the NY/NJ ‘Gateway Area’.

  12. dijetlo

    There is only one punishment for being a false prophet and one test.

    3rd eagle….where did my wife leave her car keys?

    Gentlemen…stones at the ready if you please…..

    1. tessiee

      Right, who threw that?
      NO one is to stone ANY one until I blow this whistle, even if — and I want to make this *absolutely clear* — even if they DO say "Jehovah"!

  13. gullywompr

    Third eagle of the apocalypse? More like Sméagol from the third book of Lord Of The Rings…

  14. SayItWithWookies

    That's exactly the kind of musical talent and political/eschatological viewpoint I would expect from a guy who looks like a failed child molester.

    On the other hand, maybe I'm underestimating his technical abilities — it has to take some sort of skill to make a moderately costly keyboard sound worse than one of those dreadful hallmark cards with the musical chip inside it.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Get the fuck out of my cab.
      (I really really really hate the Eagles in real life, cept Joe Walsh, he can stay)

      1. prommie

        Don Henley must die, don't let him get back together, with Glenn Fry, Don Henly must die! So sayeth Mojo Nixon in my favorite Mojo Nixon song.

          1. prommie

            Oh yes, any song which refers to jabbing Don Henley in the eye with a shark stick, thats a quality song there.

    2. tessiee

      BaldarTFlagass: I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man.
      Me: I'm pretty sure that guy isn't in the Eagles.
      Baldar: Yeah, I know he isn't; I was just making a general observation.

  15. SmutBoffin

    Reached for comment, Romney YouTube advisor SkoalRebel had this to say regarding the new campaign anthem:

    "That's fuckin' gaigh."

  16. prommie

    Let the Third Eagle Soar! I say he is sincere, remember, if we know anything, its that the right wing fundies can outdo the most outlandish parodies.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Okay, but does he not honestly look like that guy with the Teeter or Tit-tays or some kind of boobies sounding name that hangs upside down on that thing he sells on TV? You have no idea what I am talking about, do you? He's a real person though, not another character from my flashbacks, I am sure of it.

      1. prommie

        I am utterly clueless here. Not that Earnest fellow, I suppose?

        Wouldn't it be funny if we found out that Andy Kaufman actually faked his own death, and has been performing as whatsisname from Westboro Baptist ever since?

  17. Billmatic

    Man I was gonna say that the House that Heaven Built was song of the year but this guy blew it out of the WATER!

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "NEWS ITEM: You Tube blocks Romney campaign advertisement for copyright infringement."

    Stupid songwriters, wanting money from people for using their songs.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I knew it would turn out that Romney's love of Free Enterprise is a bit flaccid.

  19. hagajim

    Mittens might be a hero in that guys mind, but I think that's about the only thing in his mind, because that song was terrible, offal, horrible…and I do mean offal.

  20. Estproph

    Here's a song for him:

    This old man
    He played dumb
    He thinks Romney's Number One!
    With a knick-knack paddy-whack give your dog a bone
    This old man needs a thorazine drip STAT.

  21. Chet Kincaid

    I know why, hate you like I do
    All the tyranny you put me through!
    Take my taxes, rifles and guns
    Negro Anti-Christ, you are the one!!

    I wanna know, Lord please help me,
    Get on my knees and praaaay…

    Take me to the river,
    Save me from Obama,
    Take me to the river,
    Save me from Obama,
    Takin' my guns, takin' my GUNS!!

    (Keyboard solo)

    1. WinterOuthouse

      I can picture the Penn State cheer squad yelling the stanzas while showing their cute bloomers/thongs.

  22. BloviateMe

    "World War three, that's Obama's plan for you and me" is so very sinister and ominous with the Casio standard beat, and a guy who enunciates so heavily "friend" becomes a two syllable word.

    All in all, awesome.

    1. rickmaci

      I listened to about 10 seconds of that shitz. 10 seconds of my mortal life lost and gone forever. As recompense, Swiss Mitt owes me a public disclosure of 20 years of tax returns.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Seriously though, I wish I could observe both potential timelines. If Romney wins can you IMAGINE all the warpspeed backpeddling regarding spending, foreign affairs, or any other fucking thing they criticize BO for????

      Romney/Republicans: "Osterity? Fuck that. Let's all spend like GWB!!!"

  23. pdiddycornchips

    Does he say something about trimming your wig if you want to go to heaven? (1:09 or thereabouts) WTF? Is this some sort of Jesus loves landing strips reference? My bible is silent on the bald vs bush debate.

    1. BitterKlingon

      I think he's referring to "trimming your wicks" from the parable of the wise and foolish virgins in Matthew 25, which is followed by the parable of the sheep and the goats, in which Jesus tells the Republicans he's sending them all to hell.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    This would have been a bit more sufferable if he had played it on Augie Meyer's Vox organ.

  25. CthuNHu

    Ol' Man River,
    Dat Ol' Man (by the) River
    He mus' sing sumpin'
    But don't know nuthin',
    He jes' keeps derpin'
    He keeps on derpin' along.

    He don' like Satan,
    He don't like Kenyans,
    An' dem dat likes 'em
    is doom'd to hellfahr,
    But Ol' Man (by the) River,
    He jes keeps derpin' along.

    You an' me, we sweat an' strain,
    Body all achin' an' racket wid pain,
    Fist dat post!
    Click' dat link!
    Git a little drunk
    An' weep at the fail.

    Ah gits weary
    An' sick of trollin'
    Ah'm tired of Bachmann
    An' skeered of Adelson,
    But Ol' Man (by the) River,
    He jes' keeps derpin' along.

  26. James Michael Curley

    With background by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir this could hit #96 on the Billboard 50.

  27. Hammiepants

    OMG, the comments on YouTube! THE COMMENTS!!! They are the finest in epic shithouse rat cray-cray! This, for example: If Mr. Romney wins in Nov, and takes office in Jan, this means that WW3 as prophecized can still occure, because the "leopard", the "king of the south" can still lose to the "bear", the "king of the north", before January 2013.

    Someone's been taking "Game of Thrones" too seriously again…

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      It was always irreversible on Star Trek. Any event, however trivial, would have disasterous effects in the future.

      Though, the hobo that toasted himself with Bones' phaser in "The City on the Edge of Forever" didn't change the outcome our history after the untimely "death" of Edith Keeler set our future back to "all is as was before. Time has resumed its shape".

  28. anniegetyerfun

    You would think that the Osmonds could have taken care of the need for "new and original" music for Romney already.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Yeah, I stumbled across this a while ago while idly surfing the Osmonds to figure out what their claim to fame was other than "One Bad Apple." That was unexpectedly horrible.

  29. imissopus

    Walked away from my computer for a few minutes and found that that damn song is stuck in my head. Now I'm off to find a piano wire I can jab through my eyeball into my brain.

    1. HistoriCat

      Skull-fucking yourself? There's such a thing as taking a Wonkette meme too seriously you know.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Haha, no, I mean, outside of Battlestar Galactica, and even then, it was questioned a great deal.

  30. fishwharf

    This guy is not serious. It's a parody, a joke, designed to make supporters of Mittens look like no talent morons. I suspect Jon Stewart is behind this.

  31. SheriffRoscoe

    That sounds like something JS Bach might have written, had he gone mad. Minuet Lunatique.

  32. TribecaMike

    Jesus Christ had a fine tenor voice, but he had the good sense to off himself at age 33.

  33. Buckminster

    There should be a law against publishing videos of really shitty music. Somebody get Homeland Security on that. Otherwise, the Muslins have won.

  34. Self-Uploader

    "I do not hear voices, but sometimes God gives prophecy to me by a revelation which I know comes not from my own thoughts but outside my mind."*

    Don't tell anyone. It's only when you "know" it comes from "outside" your mind, that those pesky mental health professionals have cause to lock you up.

    (*emphasis added)

  35. decay500

    "If you keep your wick trim.."

    I was trimming it nicely until I heard his clip, and now wicky all gone.
    Possibly forever, or at least till the memory of his voice fades…

  36. Buckminster

    God revealed to me that I should not listen to false prophets, especially ones that write such crappy music. I've heard better work from 5th grade students who never had a day of music lessons.

  37. Left_Leftie

    Thank you Editrix! I have not laughed so much in weeks.
    The thumbs up at the end makes me think the old man by the river is also in on the joke.

    Ok, after watching 1 minute of the Co Prophet of the End Times' next video entitled "Daniel, Zombies and World War 3" I see he is just another religious wacko.

Comments are closed.