Here is a man who calls himself the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” and “Co Prophet of the End Times” in front of a green screen, playing a beautiful song on his keyboard called “Mitt Romney, A Hero In My Mind.” You should all listen to it, if you care about anything culture-related.

A little bit more about our mysterious siren here from his YouTube bio, “About Third Eagle’s Prophecies and Warnings”:

My title “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” came to me when I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”. Now, I should explain, I do not hear voices, but sometimes God gives prophecy to me by a revelation which I know comes not from my own thoughts but outside my mind. My title “Co Prophet of the End Times” means that I complete the end times prophecies of Daniel, Ezekiel, Esther, John and even of our Lord in the Olivet Discourse (Matthew 24-25).

So… parody? Yea or nay?

[JoeMyGod via Andrew Sullivan]

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  • SmutBoffin

    Isn't it more traditional for Harbingers of the Apocalypse to play trumpets and not keyboards?

    • Generation[redacted]

      I think for the modern age, harbingers of the apocalypse will be playing keytars.

    • He's the Vegas edition

    • I believe that keyboard can reproduce the sound of tinny trumpets.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Tambourines could have made it a bit more Jesusy.

      • va_real

        Linda McCartney was Jesus?

        • Oblios_Cap

          Needs more cowbell.

          • bobbert

            Upside the head.

        • tessiee

          "Linda McCartney was Jesus?"

          Judging by the pictures of Jesus I've seen, he was a lot prettier than Linda.

    • Also, I think the double thumbs up at the end might be a giveaway

    • HateMachine

      Originally, yeah, but he's 3rd wave.

    • Chichikovovich

      Later chroniclers changed it to trumpets for a bit more dramatic punch, but in the original manuscripts the Apocalypse was announced by four overweight old ladies in sweat pants, alternating between "Blame it on the Bossa Nova" and "Chicken Dance" on a Hammond organ.

      • bobbert

        B-3 Libel!!!!

    • tessiee

      Panflute or GTFO.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "I do not hear voices,"

    That's good to know.

    "He told me…”

    Now wait a minute. "I don't hear voices" and "he told me" are kind of that mutually contradictory thing-y the young people are all talking about these days.

    • bumfug

      His God passes messages to him on an old chalkboard, no voices necessary.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        So, that's what that screeching noise is?

      • WhatTheHeck

        Glenn Beck is his god?

    • chicken_thief

      Jeebus got a sweet deal on one of those sky writing planes.

  • emmelemm


    Needs More Cowbell.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Doesn't he look a little bit like weejee?

      • That's not him?

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          That man is a genius!

      • savethispatient

        Haha… On first glance I thought that, but I was not going to say it here. There is such thing as libel, you know!

        Also, I want another meetup to happen.

      • emmelemm

        Naw, man! Weejee Libel!

    • You can never have enough bongo during the apocalypse.

  • memzilla

    I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”.

    He's confusing being bald, with being a bald eagle.

  • bumfug

    What have we learned today? Mostly that batshit crazy people are getting more tech savvy every week.

    • Wadisay

      He also bluescreened this in front of a babbling brook someplace in Momon-istan.

    • HistoriCat

      Bah – the real batshit crazy people don't rely on third parties like Youtube. This guy is about 0.1 to 0.15 Timecubes on the crazy scale.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Well, he does have a better voice than Mittens.

    • The_Lucky_Wife

      And he has a more pleasant facial expression. He really seems to be enjoying himself. Mittens looks like he's getting an enema when he has to pretend to interact with "you people."

    • A sack of rabid kittens has a better voice than Mittens

      • tessiee

        You made a pome!

  • sbj1964

    Evolution is true.Diversity within a species. You have Einstein on one end ,and this guy/Sarah Palin/Michell bachmann/the RNC/Mittens,and ABBA fans on the other end.The shallow end of the gene pool.

  • ChernobylSoup

    What do you know… Nostradamus was right.

  • noodlesalad

    I think this is the antithesis of the double rainbow guy. The double rainbow antichrist, as it were.

  • LastGasp

    … I asked God who was the “Eagle” as found in Revelation 8:13. He told me: “you are”

    Whoa, that's the sign to stop paying attention to this delusional man right now.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Wait, which God told him that he was the Eagle? His Jesus' daddy, or the one in whom Mitt's people believe? Who's saving whom here in this song? FACTS in your Patrio-Jesus-Anthems – that's all I am asking for. (shut up I know)

    Also, are you supposed to say "what a crock" when warbling on terribly about Jesus? I thought that's what people thought we were so tacky for here.

    • prommie

      Crocks are so out now.

      • FakaktaSouth

        You have to have such beautifully outstanding legs to be able to end them with a pair of rubber shoes, people just can't keep up. Of course, I still wear the ORIGINAL rubber shoe jellies I had in 1983.

        • emmelemm

          Saltwater Sandal libel!

    • Boojum

      No, for us it is "what a cock".

      • FakaktaSouth

        Wait, so the Passion of the Christ is a porno? Maybe I DO want to see that after all.

        • prommie

          Seriously, Last Temptation is the one Jeebus movie to watch if ya gotta watch a jeebus movie.

    • maybe it's just me, but i would think any self-respecting eagle of the apocalypse would have more 'talons of death' and less 'golf shirt'.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Very nice. Did he write that song in a van down by the river?

    • Come here a minute

      The camera's "tripod" is a chair in the van.

    • Wilburgton

      After doing a lot of doobie-rolling I hope!

  • bumfug

    When his cataracts get worse he can be "Third Eagle Blind".

  • Schmannnity

    Who cares about the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse?" I want to know who is the third jackass.

  • ibwilliamsi

    It's a little heavy on the whackadoodle.

  • ElPinche

    I love Tim and Eric!

  • Alright, which one of you fuckers is Third Eagle of the Apocalypse?!

    • noodlesalad

      Sorry, I'm the second eagle. I do soundboard mixing and upload the videos. And also I will throw the whore of Babylon into a lake of sulfur, when the time comes. I think we're looking for a fourth, if you're interested.

      • HEY!

        I am NOT going back to work with Dave Mason!

        • noodlesalad

          It's not you, it's the first eagle. He got an offer to be one of the jaguars of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and couldn't turn it down.

          • Fucking Frey…great, he's breaking up the band again!

        • Finnigan – is that you?

    • Whoa! Don't look at me! I'm only Eagle Number Four…you know, Randy Meissner

      • ChernobylSoup

        So basically you cause one plague and then split? Taking it to the limit, indeed.

        • She told me she had been cured!

    • coolhandnuke

      As a roadie for "Up With People" I can speak of the horror.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Sorry…I'm just a session dude on bass.

    • CapeClod

      Not me. I've already got dibs on Seventh Wombat of the Armegeddon.

    • Me, I'm actually the Fifth Eagle- Pete Best.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey, I'm just trying to keep my wick trimmed….but I think this guy is in my exercise gym, watching Faux while he hums to himself on the cross-trainer….

    • No one has said it yet? Today, we are all the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse!

    • Today, we all are.

    • tessiee

      I thought it was Don Henley.

    • bobbert

      This is why I don't do the goatee thing anymore.

  • IncenseDebate

    If you play this backwards it gives you a very good recipe for plum pudding.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      I played it backwards and it said "Paul is dead. This song killed him."

    • WhatTheHeck

      please sir, can I have no more pudding. Its chock full o nuts.

      • va_real

        Olivet libel!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mitt, a Nero in My Hiney

    • va_real

      I wondered what that fiddling noise was.

  • coolhandnuke

    Needz Phyliss Schlafley strumming a harp and Ashcroft yodelling for this to be a true apocalyptic eagle forum.

  • It should be titled “Mitt Romney, A Hero In His Own Mind.”

  • Come here a minute

    Barney the Dinosaur flashbacks.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Peter got away with denying Jesus 3 times. I reckon this fella could deny Him, like, 1000s of times and Jesus would be cool with it.

    • And this guy would do it just for the cock.

    • tessiee

      I think Jesus denied *him* 3 times.

  • VaWyo

    Is there a grammy category for most ridiculous wingnut song? If so, he is going to win.

  • WhiteyMcFlyover

    White Horse Prophesy libel!! 1!1!!

    • LastGasp

      White Horse Prophesy — that's a great name for my extremist Christian Bible-lecturing pseudo-pop band I'm putting together. And this guy will be playing the keyboards.

    • WhiteyMcFlyover
  • I can haz a prophesy and revelation from my doG, thus transforming my bizarro vomitous utterings into earth-shattering pronouncements?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Only if you have a keyboard and a green screen.

      • Will a monstrous drum kit and a mauve king-sized flat sheet suffice, mebbe?

  • This kind of lurches between 2/4 and 3/4 in a confused way. That's pretty avant-garde for a fundie wingnut.

    • prommie

      White guys have no rythm.

    • James Michael Curley

      Wait till he rocks out playing only the black keys.

      • tessiee

        Is that Ocracoke Lighthouse in your new pic?

        • James Michael Curley

          It’s Great Beds Lighthouse in the Raratin Bay. It’s visible from my front door. Although that’s my picture, I haven’t modified it to fit the avatar format so it looks out of proportion. Hey, some like ‘em longer and some like ‘em thicker. I’m thinking taking Ms. Curley on an afternoon cruise later next month where the NY/NJ Baykeeper will tour about a dozen off shore and on shore light houses in the NY/NJ ‘Gateway Area’.

    • Sounds like a retard trying to play "Take Five."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He's actually Brian Eno, but he got hit on the head by a big river rock.

  • dijetlo

    There is only one punishment for being a false prophet and one test.

    3rd eagle….where did my wife leave her car keys?

    Gentlemen…stones at the ready if you please…..

    • tessiee

      Right, who threw that?
      NO one is to stone ANY one until I blow this whistle, even if — and I want to make this *absolutely clear* — even if they DO say "Jehovah"!

      • bobbert

        Sudo throw those stones.

  • gullywompr

    Third eagle of the apocalypse? More like Sméagol from the third book of Lord Of The Rings…

  • to be fair to Third Eagle, this is better than anything the Romney campaign has put out

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's exactly the kind of musical talent and political/eschatological viewpoint I would expect from a guy who looks like a failed child molester.

    On the other hand, maybe I'm underestimating his technical abilities — it has to take some sort of skill to make a moderately costly keyboard sound worse than one of those dreadful hallmark cards with the musical chip inside it.

    • CrunchyKnee

      PedoBear Libel!!

    • CapeClod

      How do you know that he's a failed child molester?

  • At 1:49 is that Bigfoot peaking through the trees?

    • SayItWithWookies

      No — absolutely nothing is peaking in that video.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Sorry weejee! (see above)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

    • IncenseDebate

      They were better without Joe Walsh.

    • prommie

      Careful, I have a beverage here.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Get the fuck out of my cab.
      (I really really really hate the Eagles in real life, cept Joe Walsh, he can stay)

      • prommie

        Don Henley must die, don't let him get back together, with Glenn Fry, Don Henly must die! So sayeth Mojo Nixon in my favorite Mojo Nixon song.

        • tessiee

          What, better than "Elvis is Everywhere"?

          • prommie

            Oh yes, any song which refers to jabbing Don Henley in the eye with a shark stick, thats a quality song there.

    • tessiee

      BaldarTFlagass: I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man.
      Me: I'm pretty sure that guy isn't in the Eagles.
      Baldar: Yeah, I know he isn't; I was just making a general observation.

  • imobannon

    Not at all crazy. To quote OJ: Absolutely, 100% not" … sane.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wasn't this guy the keyboardist for Stryper?

  • SmutBoffin

    Reached for comment, Romney YouTube advisor SkoalRebel had this to say regarding the new campaign anthem:

    "That's fuckin' gaigh."

  • Goonemeritus

    I think it would be funkier on a Hammond B3

    • Finnigan, is that you?

    • James Michael Curley

      Or being hammered by a Boeing B2.

    • WhatTheHeck

      There’s nothing like a big organ to get the congregation up on their feet.

  • AncienReggie

    Dude can use a green screen? Now that's tech-savvy.

  • prommie

    Let the Third Eagle Soar! I say he is sincere, remember, if we know anything, its that the right wing fundies can outdo the most outlandish parodies.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Okay, but does he not honestly look like that guy with the Teeter or Tit-tays or some kind of boobies sounding name that hangs upside down on that thing he sells on TV? You have no idea what I am talking about, do you? He's a real person though, not another character from my flashbacks, I am sure of it.

      • prommie

        I am utterly clueless here. Not that Earnest fellow, I suppose?

        Wouldn't it be funny if we found out that Andy Kaufman actually faked his own death, and has been performing as whatsisname from Westboro Baptist ever since?

        • FakaktaSouth

          Okay, look here, I ain't kidding. And his name is ROGER TEETER, that make me laugh anyway. And If Andy Kaufman were the Westboro Baptist guy it would give me the tiniest bit of hope for humanity.

  • Billmatic

    Man I was gonna say that the House that Heaven Built was song of the year but this guy blew it out of the WATER!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "NEWS ITEM: You Tube blocks Romney campaign advertisement for copyright infringement."

    Stupid songwriters, wanting money from people for using their songs.

    • Chichikovovich

      I knew it would turn out that Romney's love of Free Enterprise is a bit flaccid.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY I am watching that. NO WAY.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Good choice!

    • anniegetyerfun

      I got ten seconds in before I cringed my face off.

      • viennawoods13

        50 seconds. When he started singing I bailed.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, the lyrics were inane, but it had a good beat, and it was easy to dance to. I give it an 85.

    • tessiee

      That's still a pretty damn fine compliment to pay any song.

  • hagajim

    Mittens might be a hero in that guys mind, but I think that's about the only thing in his mind, because that song was terrible, offal, horrible…and I do mean offal.

  • An_Outhouse

    "Third Eagle of the Apocalypse" is what I call my dick.

    • tessiee

      I thought you called it "Reagan".

  • Estproph

    Here's a song for him:

    This old man
    He played dumb
    He thinks Romney's Number One!
    With a knick-knack paddy-whack give your dog a bone
    This old man needs a thorazine drip STAT.

  • I know why, hate you like I do
    All the tyranny you put me through!
    Take my taxes, rifles and guns
    Negro Anti-Christ, you are the one!!

    I wanna know, Lord please help me,
    Get on my knees and praaaay…

    Take me to the river,
    Save me from Obama,
    Take me to the river,
    Save me from Obama,
    Takin' my guns, takin' my GUNS!!

    (Keyboard solo)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Needs more Bernie Worrell.

    • WinterOuthouse

      I can picture the Penn State cheer squad yelling the stanzas while showing their cute bloomers/thongs.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, that Eagle can soar!!

  • BloviateMe

    "World War three, that's Obama's plan for you and me" is so very sinister and ominous with the Casio standard beat, and a guy who enunciates so heavily "friend" becomes a two syllable word.

    All in all, awesome.

    • PubOption

      I thought that Mittens was in favor of bombing Iran.

  • PuckStopsHere

    "Keyboards don't kill people…"
    Wait, we can't say that anymore.

    • rickmaci

      I listened to about 10 seconds of that shitz. 10 seconds of my mortal life lost and gone forever. As recompense, Swiss Mitt owes me a public disclosure of 20 years of tax returns.

  • Nostrildamus

    What's that giant sucking sound?

  • This Friday, in the Armada room at the Holiday Inn, it's Third Eagle and the Apocolypse! One night only!

  • CapeClod

    I hope that God encourages him to give up on his musical career.

  • rickmaci

    Jeebuzcripes. Sounds like something they sang at Berchtesgaden.

  • Am I the only one who cannot wait to see the great cultural flowering this country will under go under Mitt Romney's Mormon regency?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um,,, I can wait….

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Seriously though, I wish I could observe both potential timelines. If Romney wins can you IMAGINE all the warpspeed backpeddling regarding spending, foreign affairs, or any other fucking thing they criticize BO for????

      Romney/Republicans: "Osterity? Fuck that. Let's all spend like GWB!!!"

    • Thomas Kinkade, you left us too soon.

    • bobbert

      Third Eye Skullfucked

  • YasserArraFeck

    Gramps should be more concerned about the tumor in his brain……..

  • pdiddycornchips

    Does he say something about trimming your wig if you want to go to heaven? (1:09 or thereabouts) WTF? Is this some sort of Jesus loves landing strips reference? My bible is silent on the bald vs bush debate.

    • PubOption

      There was that business with the burning bush.

    • BitterKlingon

      I think he's referring to "trimming your wicks" from the parable of the wise and foolish virgins in Matthew 25, which is followed by the parable of the sheep and the goats, in which Jesus tells the Republicans he's sending them all to hell.

  • YasserArraFeck

    And that would be the Economy, trickling down in the background?

  • Dick Clark, you left us too soon.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This would have been a bit more sufferable if he had played it on Augie Meyer's Vox organ.

  • Nostrildamus

    America's got talent !!!

  • Skim Milk Rain
    Eagles dip their wings and cry in shame
    SKIM Milk Raaaain…
    Fed'ral reg-ulations are to blame…

  • Boojum

    Modern Lovers with Mr. Rogers.

  • The only theme Romney ever needs is the national anthem of the Cayman Islands.

    • anniegetyerfun

      God Save the Queen? That's really more of a Lindsey Graham thing.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn. Chris Elliot really needs to find some steady work.

  • CthuNHu

    Ol' Man River,
    Dat Ol' Man (by the) River
    He mus' sing sumpin'
    But don't know nuthin',
    He jes' keeps derpin'
    He keeps on derpin' along.

    He don' like Satan,
    He don't like Kenyans,
    An' dem dat likes 'em
    is doom'd to hellfahr,
    But Ol' Man (by the) River,
    He jes keeps derpin' along.

    You an' me, we sweat an' strain,
    Body all achin' an' racket wid pain,
    Fist dat post!
    Click' dat link!
    Git a little drunk
    An' weep at the fail.

    Ah gits weary
    An' sick of trollin'
    Ah'm tired of Bachmann
    An' skeered of Adelson,
    But Ol' Man (by the) River,
    He jes' keeps derpin' along.

  • cheetojeebus

    Lady Gaga has really pushed the envelope with this one.

    • anniegetyerfun

      OK, that shuts down the thread for me.

  • James Michael Curley

    With background by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir this could hit #96 on the Billboard 50.

  • OMG, the comments on YouTube! THE COMMENTS!!! They are the finest in epic shithouse rat cray-cray! This, for example: If Mr. Romney wins in Nov, and takes office in Jan, this means that WW3 as prophecized can still occure, because the "leopard", the "king of the south" can still lose to the "bear", the "king of the north", before January 2013.

    Someone's been taking "Game of Thrones" too seriously again…

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It was always irreversible on Star Trek. Any event, however trivial, would have disasterous effects in the future.

      Though, the hobo that toasted himself with Bones' phaser in "The City on the Edge of Forever" didn't change the outcome our history after the untimely "death" of Edith Keeler set our future back to "all is as was before. Time has resumed its shape".

  • anniegetyerfun

    You would think that the Osmonds could have taken care of the need for "new and original" music for Romney already.

    • I think they already did:

      It's got your dressage horses, your White Horse Prophesy, your horsey dance moves…

      • viennawoods13

        That was truly atrocious.

        • Yeah, I stumbled across this a while ago while idly surfing the Osmonds to figure out what their claim to fame was other than "One Bad Apple." That was unexpectedly horrible.

  • YouBetcha

    Your move, Willard.

  • Walked away from my computer for a few minutes and found that that damn song is stuck in my head. Now I'm off to find a piano wire I can jab through my eyeball into my brain.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      If you are very careful, know one will even notice the entry hole.

    • HistoriCat

      Skull-fucking yourself? There's such a thing as taking a Wonkette meme too seriously you know.

  • Barrelhse

    More bass.

  • MonkeyMotion

    Did someone once suggest the human species was worth saving?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Haha, no, I mean, outside of Battlestar Galactica, and even then, it was questioned a great deal.

  • fishwharf

    This guy is not serious. It's a parody, a joke, designed to make supporters of Mittens look like no talent morons. I suspect Jon Stewart is behind this.

  • nice shirt though.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    That sounds like something JS Bach might have written, had he gone mad. Minuet Lunatique.

  • TribecaMike

    Jesus Christ had a fine tenor voice, but he had the good sense to off himself at age 33.

  • DahBoner

    //holds up lighter

    FREE BIRD!!!

  • Buckminster

    There should be a law against publishing videos of really shitty music. Somebody get Homeland Security on that. Otherwise, the Muslins have won.

  • "I do not hear voices, but sometimes God gives prophecy to me by a revelation which I know comes not from my own thoughts but outside my mind."*

    Don't tell anyone. It's only when you "know" it comes from "outside" your mind, that those pesky mental health professionals have cause to lock you up.

    (*emphasis added)

  • Blunderthing

    The cruel irony is that he probably learned music in a public school system.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I have a sudden craving for an Eagle-Fil-A sammich.

  • TeaNuts

    Could this be the infamous 5th Beatle?

    • va_real


  • Third Eagle of the Apocalypse is tone deaf… who knew?

  • Poindexter718

    Deft circumcision reference at 1:09.

  • Make it stop!

  • homotownrecords

    this is awesome… really, i actually like this kind of music. reminds me of r. stevie moore.

  • BZ1

    Quite a ditty if he wasn't positively insane …

  • Jennyjen798


  • WinterOuthouse


  • C_R_Eature

    Not Enough Bongo Fury.

  • tessiee

    So, does he live in a van by the river, or what?

  • tessiee

    Meh, still better than Nickelback.

  • ttommyunger

    "I will now read from the Book of Matthew, Mark, Luke and DUCK!"

  • decay500

    "If you keep your wick trim.."

    I was trimming it nicely until I heard his clip, and now wicky all gone.
    Possibly forever, or at least till the memory of his voice fades…

  • tessiee

    I can hardly wait for his duet with Yoko Ono.

  • Buckminster

    God revealed to me that I should not listen to false prophets, especially ones that write such crappy music. I've heard better work from 5th grade students who never had a day of music lessons.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Mitt Romney, a Hero in a Crazy Person's mind.

    A hero in his car elevator.

  • Left_Leftie

    Thank you Editrix! I have not laughed so much in weeks.
    The thumbs up at the end makes me think the old man by the river is also in on the joke.

    Ok, after watching 1 minute of the Co Prophet of the End Times' next video entitled "Daniel, Zombies and World War 3" I see he is just another religious wacko.

  • mcrummett

    Hard to be truly apocalyptic with a shirt like that. Also, needs more brimstone.

  • rmontcal23

    This guy just straight up loves to embarrass his grandchildren.

  • nowave

    That really trimmed my wick.

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