When Life Gives you Lemons Burn Life's House Down

Fox & Friends: Why Is History’s Greatest Monster Barack Obama Picking On These Little Girls?

Ever on the cutting edge of political thought, Fox & Friends has a simple, commonsense reply to Pres. Obama’s insane notion that a modern economy depends on a combination of public and private investment: Oh, yeah? Mr. Big Government? What about little kids’ lemonade stands, which are a perfect metaphor for capitalism? Here is Brian Kilmeade interviewing two adorable little girls, Clara and Eliza Sutton, aged 7 and 4, who have clearly not been prepped at all by their Fox-viewing parents. Asked to “tell us about your lemonade business,” Clara replies, “Well, our lemonade is actually homemade but I can’t tell you our recipe because it’s proprietary…the investors actually sign a confidentiality agreement.” Proprietary ingredients, huh? Is it people? We bet it is people.

But let us get on to the meat of the interview, in which young Clara defends liberty:

Kilmeade: Clara, how do you feel about the President saying that you needed help to start this business. And just speak from — speak from within…

Clara: I would say that’s rude because we worked very hard to build this business. But we did have help.

Kilmeade: And your help came from?

Clara: Our help came from our investors, our dad and stepmom, along with other friends and family.

If only those Washington Politicians would just look at the world with such level-headed common sense, huh? Because, really, these girls didn’t need Government to build their lemonade business, they just needed their dad and stepmom to go to the store and buy ingredients which didn’t travel on public highways or have to meet any safety standards, and then mix up their lemonade using water from a privately developed water system, and then set up next to a privately built road in a community kept safe by private security guards, to sell to the public! (To be fair, maybe they do live in some hellish exurban development governed by a dictatorial Homeowner’s Association, and they have a lemon tree in their backyard, and a sugar plantation on the back 40, so yay freedom.)

Leaving aside the ethical quibbles about using 4 and 7 year olds to push political talking points, or the usual Fox News recycling of a “story” generated within the Fox News organization, or even the story’s eerie resemblance to the plot of one of the worst children’s books ever published, we have to ask if any of the Fox producers involved have actually helped children run a “lemonade business,” which usually involves parents spending a small chunk of money for ingredients and children having fun for an afternoon or two, pocketing a few dollars but never coming close to earning back the original “investment,” let alone turning a profit. Most lemonade stands are maybe more like Solyndra, we would say, HA HA! Then again, considering the failure rate of small enterprises over the long term, perhaps it is an apt metaphor.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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          1. Gleem McShineys

            "And then, I turned the empty lemon skins into bootstraps, and also satellite equipment, and then started FOX News!"

            -Rupert Murdoch, probably

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      as soon as Clara and Eliza have built up enough equity in their assets that Bain can leverage the lemonade stand for an 18 million dollar loan at prime + 5% interest, rolling in an additional 6 million for Bain's management fee. Oh and probably also they would take mom and dad's house and BMW as collateral

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Mitt Romney will attend their board meetings, scrunching down onto one of the tiny chairs of their backyard tea set, for the next two years. Mr. Teddy H. Fuzzy is the C.O.O.

  1. bumfug

    Don't need government assistance to suck balls – Fox & Friends does that all on their own.

    1. BornInATrailer

      I wonder what brought their customers? Was it passing motorists on a socialist public road?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      When the president does something, it's political. When FoxNews does something, it's information. Duh, why do you hate America?

      EDIT: Clearly, Obama should have simply flown over Aurora at 5,000 feet in Air Force One.

  2. Not_So_Much

    Wonder if their folks are getting their investment back by pimping them out to Fox?

  3. nounverb911

    Do they have liability insurance? Do we sue the kids or their parents when we get poisoned?

    1. emmelemm

      I know! What if people who drink their lemonade get E. coli or hepatitis or something?

      S. U. E. !!!

    1. Calapine

      It's that haircut. Is it common in USistan?

      Only place I have seen that so far is american TV shows.

  4. SorosBot

    Come on now, "it’s proprietary…the investors actually sign a confidentiality agreement" is totally a statement a seven-year-old would come up with on her own.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I occasionally popped off with long words, but they were generally mispronounced and or incomprehensible to those around me. Which led to a lot of mocking.

      2. ChurchofRealism

        Ha, my buddies six year old son was talking to me the other day about what a hot woman Cat Woman is and that they are going on a date. When I asked him what a "hot woman" meant, he looked at me and said I have no idea. His little brother than piped up and said his clone of Cat Woman he was dating was merely warm.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "Pro-pri-e-tary" is on the second grade spelling list which was sent home for part of their summer homework from Harvard University. There'll be a test next September.

    2. Thurman Munster IV

      My first multisyllabic word was probably "motherfuckers". Which, ironically, describes the assholes on Fox and Friends.

  5. noodlesalad

    And did mommy and daddy pour the concrete for the sidewalk where your stand is located?

    Edit – Trannysurprise got there first. Still, I wonder if these kids learned about math in public school. And if their parents are homeschooling them – where did they learn math?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      My inner voice regards Brian Kilmeade as a shit-eating waste of oxygen. But then again, so too does my outer voice.

  6. ChernobylSoup

    I think what Clara (her parents) meant was "I would say that's rude because the president is black."

  7. coolhandnuke

    …Kilmeade: Clara, how do you feel about the President saying that you needed help to start this business. And just speak from — speak from within…

    Something Kilmeade knows nothing about due to Ailes' microphone in his ear.

  8. Fairtackle

    Little girls think they know exactly how every little facet of the giant, endlessly faceted private economy works, which is remarkable, considering their enormous disdain for it.

        1. GhostBuggy

          But that's only because they haven't been properly informed by the Poors about how great and elite they are.

  9. va_real

    If you live in a gated community, the concept of public anything is not allowed to intrude into their private fantasy land. 'Public' is an even ruder word than 'pubic' to these folks.

    1. Antispandex

      Yes, I'm fairly sure they wouldn't sell their lemonaide from a public sidewalk, or to people who got to their business on a public street, or post signs directing people to their stand on public property. That would just be wrong.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Wait until she turns 19 and falls for that cute bicurious communist boy in her women's studies class.

    2. bureaucrap

      Actually, I'm guessing that they're both actors on script. And of course, both SAG/AFTRA.

  10. MLHencken

    Proprietary Freedumb!!! Lemonade recipe:

    1 part bullshit Ayn Rand Objectivist philosophy
    1 part hyper-attentive hovering parents
    1 part artificial lemon flavored corn-syrup concentrate supplied by Koch Industries
    1 part complete lack of irony and self-awareness
    a sprinkle of hate!

    just add water, then sell to assholes!

    By the way, what third world labor have these little girls hired to run the stand while they make their media appearance?

      1. Sparky McGruff

        Mint, hell… They add a baggie full of meth. That's how you drive repeat business.

  11. mrpuma2u

    Well I hope they got mom and dad's accounting firm to fill out their 1099's correctly cuz guess what little punkettes? You just made top spot on the IRS audit list.

  12. Antispandex

    Probably a front for a medical marijuana business. All the kids know that's where the real money is.

  13. va_real

    Ah, but government regulations require ingredient disclosure so that I can decide if I really want to take a chance on consuming their 'proprietary formula' with child urine as the secret ingredient.

    ETA: go ahead & substitute 'pee pee' for 'child urine'. Smokefilled is a lot funnier than me…

  14. FNMA

    Nice of dad and step-mom to loan them the $20,000 to start up their business.

    Sometimes, I have a hard time telling Fox & Friends from the Onion News Network.

      1. FNMA

        Actually, the way to tell the difference is the Onion News Network has Brooke Alvarez, the world's greatest news anchor.

  15. Billmatic

    My gang of Leftist Hooligans will not rest until every lemonade stand is kicked over and the cheeks of all the adorable white children of the suburbs (where I guess motherfuckers still have lemonade stands) are stained with tears. And lemonade.

    1. AbandonHope

      To have lemonade stands you really need walkable neighborhoods, something which is sorely lacking in mostly-Republican-leaning exurban sprawls around the nation. But, hell, walking is for communists.

      1. Billmatic

        Well that – and if my experience growing up and the hbo television program "the wire" are any judge – if you're in economically underprivileged neighborhoods and you're 10 and can do basic math, you might as well get into slinging dope and skip the dorky lemonade stand altogether.

  16. Radiotherapy

    My kids want to start-up an Abortionplex. They could also out-source fetus as a secret ingredient for this lemonade.

  17. nonbeliever7

    Aack! Everything is lemonade yellow. Is wonkette now matching its background color to the topic? What happens with the next Santorum posting?

    1. va_real

      My browser is also having trouble with that background ad & several times has loaded just a solid yellow screen with no text at all… Not even any Solid Gold dancers…

  18. Trannysurprise

    If these kids follow the Bain Capital model they could make a bundle. Simply take the lemons, sugar, table, tablecloth, chairs, pitcher, spoon, cups and ice that the investors bought and sell it off separately. Fire your brother before he takes his cut and BAM! FUCKING PROFITS BABY!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      For a real lesson in modern jerb-creatin' capitalism, they'd need to have Bain take over their business, borrow a pile of money using the lemons, table, etc. as collateral, and pocket 1/3 of the proceeds for "fees". Then the girls watch their pension plan get pillaged, then their lemon and sugar suppliers refuse to deliver because Bain breached the contracts, then they get laid off and the whole thing is put into bankruptcy, and after years of litigation their parents/investors get five cents on the dollar. Then a Chinese importer of powdered lemonade mix does a reverse-merger into the remaining shell corporation (advised by Bain Capital.)
      And finally, Faux News will most assuredly not want to interview them, which is fine, because they'll be very happy to make an adorable ad for the Obama campaign.

  19. Estproph

    Does it scare anyone else that our economy is apparently powered by 7-year-old girls?

  20. chascates

    The cute little rascals didn't build the sidewalk, the school they go to, and the other infrastructure that allows them to become successful entrepreneurs. Which is what the President was talking about. But like Al Gore and the internet all that matters is what the sound bite is edited to imply.
    Dashboard Buddha is right, this country is fucked.

  21. IncenseDebate

    It's wrong to exploit people with second grade educations to make political points. So, leave Fox & Friends out of this please.

  22. Baconzgood

    But if they were a big bank they could lost 9 Billion and get big bonuses! FREE MARKETZ!!!!!!!!!

  23. bureaucrap

    If their stand took only gold coins (and they had an assay kit on hand because you can't take the government's word about the purity of the gold), their schtick might have had some internal coherence — no reason for them to accept "fiat money" after all. But since they didn't, they should just STFO.

  24. BornInATrailer

    Two outspoken, independent young women running a business? And wearing comfortable clothes and no make-up?

    I think we should just be happy Fox didn't make some subtle dyke jokes.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Obama should take advice from these young Republican entrepreneurs, especially the one with the strawberry and créme top.

    2. smokefilledroomba

      Yeah, Kilmeade–where's the goddamn misogyny I've come to expect? Have you been fucking that pignosed rat-hole Gretchen? You need to bring your woman-hating 'A' game when you're on air, pal. I'm going to forward a bunch of gooblegobble copypasta to my friends on aol and tell 'em you ain't a fucking woman-hater after all. Librul!!

  25. bureaucrap

    Also, by their age, these kids should be completely self-sufficient, the way orphans in Calcutta are. Now THAT'S Capitalism!!!

  26. BarackMyWorld

    They have private sector business experience and are therefore more qualified to talk about the economy than rude ole Obama. If one of them can read a spreadsheet, I think Mitten's just found his running mate.

  27. Baconzgood

    "That's a nice lemonaid stand you got there….Be a shame if somthing 'Happened' to it"

    -Big Lemon Union Thug-

  28. SorosBot

    OT but now the Wonkette is covered with cancer; that's even worse than when Siemens was all over the place.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Here, take one of mine. I have an endless supply. Got some extra "Jesus H Christ, these people!"'s hanging around too.

    2. va_real

      If you were a forward-thinking entrepreneur, you would have laid in sufficient supplies, now wouldn't you?

  29. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, the segment is called "Lemonade lessons from little entrepreneurs" — which makes it fitting that Kilmeade interviewed them, since he could probably learn something from most five-year-olds.

  30. weejee

    Don't try and snitch a cup lemonade either, they girls have a 40 cal Glock with a 30 round magazine behind their stand.

  31. ChernobylSoup

    Meanwhile my kid is at home playing with the toys I gave him just because I felt like it. Suck it, capitalist slaves.

  32. fartknocker

    Did they pull a permit to building that stand? Probably not, because mom and dad said permits are for pussies.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    These are some really special "investors." They own the property, the process, the stock, the tools, the delivery system, and they write their own advertising. Yet they have given away ownership of the business to laborers who could be hired for wages paid to illegals (underage). Kind of like Mitt saying he isn't "involved" in Solamere Capital because "all he did" as pony up a $10 million investment, pull together the other partners, then turn the keys over to his son Tagg.

  34. richmx2

    Um, could they have a stand without a public sidewalk? Or police to keep bad boys from beating them up and stealing their lemons? Or… oh… money backed by the federal reserve or…?????

  35. UnholyMoses

    Are we supposed to be surprised that Fox — and conservatives in general — have a childlike understanding of economics?

    1. HistoriCat

      It's OK (hugs) it will all be OK.

      (Damn this is harder than it looks. How does Mittborg do it?)

  36. Radiotherapy

    110 days until we take our country back and rescind those burdensome, over-regulatory child-labor laws.

  37. Jus_Wonderin

    I hope these tykes know that before they count all that sweet, sweet IPO cash they should be aware that they will then be beholden to the stockholders and the pressures will increase to drive up the profits and the shareprice.

    They will have to open more stores, uh, stands and hire more staff.

    They will have to make the hard decisions of balancing family and work.

    Though, they seem very smart and I suppose they have already thought about these issues.

  38. howifeltersnach

    I am confused. Are they paying some taxes on sales of lemonade, and don't want to pay a higher percentage of sales in taxes, or are they currently paying no taxes on sales of lemonade?

  39. Tundra Grifter

    Inexpensive lemonade because the Federal government subsidizes the sugar industry.


    Inexpensive lemons due to NAFTA.


    Lemons relatively safe to eat – thanks to the FDA.


    Nope. No gov't involvement here.

    Meanwhile, rather than watch this crap I'd prefer to listen to " Let Me Squeeze Your Lemon" by Charlie Pickett.

  40. BornInATrailer

    The real failure here is that the feminists have so brain washed these women about what is "important" that they put career before family. I bet they don't have kids. Heck, I doubt they are even married.

  41. poorgradstudent

    My God. That has to be the dumbest response to anything in the 15 billion year history of the universe…no, wait, the infinite history of every single multiverse in the omniverse, even the universe where the Ron Paul cult take over the world.

  42. Wilcoxyz

    Do they have illegal Mexican children cleaning the cups or hauling garbage for this food service biz? Don't tell me their business plan calls for fair wages for that.

  43. An_Outhouse

    Some jack booted thugs need to get over there and shake down those little cretins for some tax receipts. That side walk didn't build itself, you know.

  44. thefrontpage

    In the unedited version, the girls continue to express their opinions about abortion, gun rights, the NRA, the sanctity of the traditional nuclear family as defined by Chick-fil-A, why so many ardent far-right nutcase conservative women are named Michelle (Bachmann and Malkin), about how Ann Coulter is a role model, why Barbie dolls are propaganda for the left, how we should increase the Defense Department budget by $500 billion, why government is bad, and why all immigrants should be expelled from the Unites States immediately. At the end, they wave their hands and shout, "Thank you, 'Fox and Friends'!!!!" as confetti rains down and balloons are released. End card: Sponsored by Chick-fil-A.

  45. Schmegeg

    With luck this 7 YO will go off to one of the Seven Sisters in 11 years and come home at Thanksgiving with a Marxist girlfriend/.

  46. finette_

    Well personally, my childhood lemonade stands owed their success to the proximity of a public park. True story!

  47. mavenmaven

    Wait till someone gets a tummy ache and their parents sue these kids' parents. We'll see about "free markets" then, or will it be another gun control discussion at that point?

  48. An_Outhouse

    okay, I broke down and watched it. What a couple of incredibly annoying children. And those kids were poorly staged managed and ugly too

  49. TavariousChinaSmith

    Give these kids a break. They are motivated entrepreneurs because if they don't turn a profit for their investors, they will be forced into a life of indentured servitude and prostitution, so yay capitalism, right?

  50. fuflans

    you know what else would be funny? if those beautiful blonder girls down the street opened a competing lemonade stand but ALSO offered sugar free orange pop for a cut-rate price and then waged an aggressive marketing campaign tacitly implying clara's lemonade was made with – well WHO KNOWS?!?! – and then no one bought clara and eliza's lemonade and the stock went bad and their glassware was repossessed and in order to reimburse their disgruntled investors clara and eliza had to sell all the barbie dolls and their painted bedroom furniture and forfeit their allowance with interest until december of 2014.

    that would be funny.

  51. Beowoof

    Wow are the parents of these kids dumb fucks. Look kids without medicare Grammy and Grampy would have gone and died just like your gold fish and they wouldn't be able to come over and give you tons of money for your lemonade. Also, they wouldn't be able to drive their government regulated reasonably safe car, down those socialist roads to get to you.

  52. Beowoof

    Jeebus, if this doesn't make Fox standout as the bullshit network to anyone with a functioning brain cell, then we are truly doomed.

  53. Gleem McShineys

    Didn't the "investment" in the lemonade stand cut into the family's Survival Seed Bank and GoldLine fund?

    They are putting their futures at risk!

  54. Jennyjen798

    Gather round ya'll let me tell you how MY lemonade stands worked as a kid.

    You see, my "lazy assed welfare mother" would always encourage my siblings and I to get out and earn our daily bread cuz it's what she did as a kid (somehow she forgot what that was like as an adult). So if we wanted something go out and get it and gtfo of her house because Donahue was on.

    Well, what we usually wanted was 7-11 nachos and slurpees and you can't buy those with food stamps, at least not at the legit 7-11's. So we usually had some sort of financial plan running. Sometimes we collected bottles and cans at the lake to sell, other times we mowed lawns, watched other bratty kids, cleaned houses, painted homes, and of course the infamous lemonade stand.

    Setting up the stand was no problem, living in the ghetto there was plenty of shitty materials to build a shitty stand. It was supplying the actual product. Who the hell wants to buy lemon flavor aid? NOBODY! So we did what any enterprising capitalist would do. We ran our asses to the grocery store and stole a bunch of lemons and bags of ice (huzzah hammerpants). Things really took off when a neighbor kid stole a bottle of cheap vodka from his dad's cabinet. Living on the busiest street in town, bordering the ghetto had its benefits sometimes.

    Seriously fuck these spoiled kids on Fox! What do they know about REAL capitalism! Lie. Steal. Cheat. Then get a hand out. Rinse. Repeat.

  55. valthemus

    I'm either tickled or horrified by the fact that there are people who actually fell for this "Isn't the president a dummyhead?" stunt.

  56. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Pretty sure it's the government that makes sure the water in that lemonade isn't riddled with giardia.

  57. DahBoner

    "When life gives you lemons, spit into the pitcher and make LemonAIDS"

    Adorable little disease carriers!!!

  58. rocktonsam

    "our help came from our investors, our dad and stepmom , along with other friends and family."

    "the ones who won't be financing our college education because our mom is poor and we can get lots of grants cuz she poor"

    was this produced by $arah Palin's production company?

  59. GeorgiaBurning

    If your lemonade has "proprietary ingredients" in it, I'm not drinking the stuff. And you'd better have an MSDS for the OSHA inspector.

  60. NotMother

    "We wanted to do a start-uppity but my dad said Obama and his thugs wouldn't let us….did I say it right, daddy?"

  61. TribecaMike

    I'm all for letting it all hang out freedom fries-wise, but Obama forcing these children into a life of liberal lesbotude is beyond the pale-skinned. Let the free market decide their fates selling Chiclets and bj's to the turistas on the streets of Tijuana.

  62. ttommyunger

    At last everybody on both sides of the screen at Faux was operating on the same intellectual level. Nice.

  63. Katydid

    What the fuck is wrong with these people, brainwashing their kids, teaching them to be illogical, and teaching them to deliberately misunderstand what words mean.

    They're going to grow up to be capitalistic asshole just like their parents. (I don't even know how the people at Fox come
    up with this shit.)

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