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This Episode Of Aaron Sorkin’s Newsroom Will Rank With The M*A*S*H* Finale, We Are Sure

Pretty sure Bill Maher is Jack McCoyTurn on the Benny Hill music! Our noble newscast is bumbling and flailing like it is not the greatest newscast in the history of Edward R. Murrow! Everything is going wrong! Their dude in Egypt — the Rachel Maddow/Stephen Colbert whom Keith Olbermann/Jon Stewart has helped to get his or her own newscast following KO/JS’s — reports from in front of his minibar instead of from down in Tahrir Square! Yes, it is the time in 2010 when Tahrir Square is rocking like the Ghost of Dick Clark is leading the Bandstand, and also Wisconsin! And Valentine’s Day! And when we said that we actually liked last week’s episode, we did not know we would be putting up an apology so very soon! Because Episode Whatever (five? Let’s say “five”) was sickeningly bad and crazymaking, Aaron Sorkin’s much-noted misogyny boiling over into a level of woman-hating that had been till now undiscovered by Science, the Higgs Boson of misogyny, as every woman in the show makes totally clear what a needy, histrionic, dim-bulb freaking idjit all women are, especially the ones who are supposed to be professionally capable. Professionally capable? With a bagina? Haw haw haw. Don’t worry, li’l lady, big daddy Sorkin will ride to your crumbling, whining rescue, yeehaw.

Blah blah blah Egypt. Everyone is embarrassed that Rachel Maddow/Stephen Colbert/Lara Logan won’t report from the street, so she/he/she does, and gets beat up with a rock! Whew, she/he/she is okay, though, and not raped. Talk talk talk so much talk about the Koch brothers, because Mousy/Maggie is a News Psychic and knows the 25 teachers protesting Wisconsin Hotness Scott Walker will be 30,000 by tomorrow, and 15 minutes on the Koch brothers that are unintelligible even to people who follow the Koch brothers for a living (sort of).

Our Funny Interludes are courtesy of Mousy/Maggie constantly hitting her soulmate/boss in the face with a door — women, the reason we keep having to turn the “workplace accident” chart back to zero, hope nobody ever lets them drive! — and then freaking out on him super-appropriately for a place of business, demanding in no uncertain terms that he take out her roommate on Valentine’s Day, and bring her these pre-bought Romantic Gifts, and get himself in a relationship with her, so Mousy can go spend the night in a hotel without having to keep said roommate company during “Hope Floats.”

Oh hai, Avian Bones, have you been putting your boyfriend, FBI Special Agent Fritz Howard, on your show like five times in six weeks? Well as long as you didn’t know he was running for Congress in Anthony Wiener’s Penis Seat, we think we can assure you that absolutely no one would have a problem with that!

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Also, we finally figured out why Olivia Munn is there: she’s Paul Krugman of course, and Avian Bones asks her to explain “economics” to her in five seconds or less, while she sobs into her wine and moans about her lost love for Aaron Sorkin. Which Aaron Sorkin ex has the honor of being the basis for this dithering pile of PMS? Is it Maureen Dowd? We hope it is Maureen Dowd, and that she is finally happy, somewhere.

Oh, we almost forgot: Dev Patel gets to do something in this show besides being the idiot who wants to marry the Loch Ness Monster/Bigfoot/leprechauns. Yes, he was on the train on 7/7, which means he can emote. And then he finds some 18-year-old hotness to replace Maddow/Colbert/Logan after she/he/she doesn’t get raped in Tahrir Square, and it never occurs to anyone that making him unmask and report with his face right out there when anyone could see it might put him in danger of some kind. So then he’s disappeared, and after 36 hours, Dev Patel whispers, like, pardon me, you guys, but our dude has been missing for 36 hours now? And then he too is a histrionic mess — he must also be in love with Aaron Sorkin, that’s how overwrought he is — but then they find him because Aaron Sorkin paid the ransom that Jane Fonda/Jane Fonda’s son were too busy blowing the Koch brothers to pay, since he was only a freelancer and also wasn’t white.

Did we mention that Supervillain TMZ reporter Hope Davis is now shaking Aaron Sorkin down for $50 big so as to stop writing mean things about Avian Bones’ utter and complete lack of journalistic ethics? Aaron Sorkin almost pays it, because he loves rescuing sad little women, but then Hope Davis calls herself a journalist, so Aaron Sorkin rips up the check he has just written. Haha, no he doesn’t. In maybe the funniest (unintentionally) part of the show, he very carefully draws a line through the check, like, “VOID.” What a little priss Aaron Sorkin is. Um, we mean, what a macho, manly BOSS!

Is that a thing, that Page Sixers and TMZers shake you down for protection money? It doesn’t seem like a thing. It doesn’t seem like Harvey Levin would let his editorial team do that? (Page Six, probably, yeah.)

And so all the men in the workplace are walking around with bandages, just in time for Valentine’s Day, because women will tear your hearts out and balls off and smash doors on you, and then it is a scene from Rudy where everybody calls Aaron Sorkin “coach” to help him pay the hotty’s ransom, because there was a long scene earlier about how much Aaron Sorkin loves the movie Rudy, which was gross and manipulative and awful, like, worst movie ever but not worse than this, and good job firing your whole writing staff, Aaron Sorkin, we’re sure they were the problem.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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140 comments

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Oh, this is about a TV show. I was lost for a while there.

      OK, still am lost, but ever so slightly less.

  1. Come here a minute

    Is that a thing, that Page Sixers and TMZers shake you down for protection money?

    Because our Wonkette would enthusiastically embrace a new revenue stream.

  2. Goonemeritus

    My wife is making me watch this, I suspect he sole motivation is that there might be a Sam Waterston naked sex scene.

    1. tessiee

      "there might be a Sam Waterston naked sex scene."

      OOH!!
      *flutters*
      Oh, wait.
      Sam Waterston, not Sam Elliott?
      Never mind.

  3. pinkocommi

    Are the Kardashians on this show? Because that would do a lot to explain why I have no interest in it.

  4. worrytron

    It looks like MoDo is preparing to feed on some man-flesh tonight. Sweet, emasculated liberal man-flesh.

  5. actor212

    And so all the men in the workplace are walking around with bandages, just in time for Valentine’s Day

    I know every Valentine's Day, I walk around with my heart on…

  6. SorosBot

    Yes, but who's sleeping with whom? That seems to be what Sorkin thinks it the important part of the show.

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm gonna get busy watching this as soon as I am done watching the last five seasons of Wipeout and that one reality show with all of the spoiled, unrepentant assholes.

  8. fredbell

    The "Benny Hill Music" is officially titled "Yakkity Sax"…In other news, the "Everybody look whats goin' down" song is "For What It's Worth", and the "What if I Were Romeo is Black Jeans" song is "No Myth"…

  9. sbj1964

    Like my dad alway told me."Never marry a fine looking woman,when she leaves it will rip your heart out.Marry a fat ugly woman that way if she leaves you don't even care." I'm like dad Mom is standing right there,he said "See what I mean?I can't make her leave."

  10. Estproph

    I haven't caught this show yet. Whenever it's on I usually look at The Weather Channel or the public access screen.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    I'm confused. When did Maureen Dowd become the cheese in a Potsie Weber and Ralph Malph sandwich?

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "Because Episode Whatever (five? Let’s say “five”)"

    Given the number of words that have been dedicated to this program here, it feels like Episode Five Hundred at this point.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Have you heard the number of words in each damn episode? You take a piss and miss three new plot points. Reviewers are just keepin up

    2. shelwood46

      No, see, as the episode taught us, women have trouble with those number things. Economics, basic subtraction, all too difficult for our flighty little heads. You can't expect Rebecca to count; she's a girl.

    1. tessiee

      Is the Bait Car *filled* with bait, or *covered* with bait?
      Because either way would be pretty stinky, I'm guessing.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Crown of Whores. Fake media as inane as real media. (See:Chuck Todd).

    Game of whores, stupid. Jeesusy grits I hate Monday.

    1. viennawoods13

      I'm watching that on DVD right now, again. I can't be bothered to watch this new one.

  14. Chow Yun Flat

    Is this the show about six single people in Manhattan who sit on couches and say things to each other that are supposed to be funny?

    I didn't watch that one either.

    1. Fraudulently_Joe

      I thought this was that show about four 20 something white liberal arts educated women living in a certain part of Brooklyn which is also the voice of a generation (of white liberal-arts educated women living in a certain part of Brooklyn).

      1. actor212

        The show I'm thinking about, they live on the Upper West Side. And there's three men and one woman. One guy keeps getting fired, the chick works for the most overrated men's store in Manhattan, there's one guy who's completely fucking loony, and the lead character "makes a living" doing comedy.

        As if…

      1. Fraudulently_Joe

        No, I'm pretty sure Fox and Friends is about the six children of one of the oldest families in Westeros, as they get swept up in a torrent of rebellion and conspiracy, also with lots and lots of sex.

  15. Chet Kincaid

    Now that the writer's room is cleared out, here are some possible fixes for the second season:

    "Newsroom vs. Predator"
    "Tyler Perry's Madea's Newsroom"
    "The Dark Anchor: Newsroom Begins" (reboot)
    "Newsroom: Turn Off The News" with original songs by Coldplay
    "That '70s Newsroom"
    "Curb You Enthusiasm, Internet Girl!" – the misadventures of an obnoxious television writer who manages to offend everyone behind the camera as well as his audience while producing a failing TV show about a fictitious newsroom

      1. bonghitforjesus

        Petticoat Newsroom, My Mother the Newsroom, Buffy the Newsroom Slayer, Freaks & Newsrooms, Dr. Newsroom, Newsroom Trek the Next Generation, Deep Space Newsroom, BJ & the Newsroom, The Newsroom Files.

        1. Geminisunmars

          My Favorite Newsroom; Soupy Newsroom; Bullwinkle and His Newsrooms; Newsroom Impossible; My Three Newsrooms; Hill Street Newsroom.

  16. prommie

    TV show recaps, how revoltingly Gawkerish. I'm just gonna go off on my own tangent, thank you very much. Hey, anyone see that great episode of House Hunters on last weekend?

          1. FakaktaSouth

            I saw something this weekend on the FOOD network for crying out loud, with Bobby Flay and people spraying each other with Ketchup and Mustard in some kind of porno-copea of grossness. TV is so whacked out these days. I just wanted to see how to make a torte or something.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            No, not sure. I mean, I am pretty sure hallucinogens were not a part of my weekend this time, but I did see some crazy shit and one hell of a rainbow, so I suppose anything is possible.

          3. eggsacklywright

            And to top it off, Flay is married to the tall blonde asst DA beauty on L&O. Christ.

          4. prommie

            Flay is exactly what is wrong with this fucking country. Fine cuisine is a fucking art, like painting or poetry, and the most ephemeral of arts, and its also love, lovingly creating something pleasing and beautiful that will make people happy and will also be consumed, destroyed, while it does so. And this fucking arrogant shitwad turns it into a fucking "slam," "throwdown" competition with all the fist-pumping "USA USA" aggro beliigerence that defines this fucking country. He's the Vince McMahon of food, professional wrestling cuisine. Fuck him till dead, thats my recipe for Bobby Flay. I swear its like watching a cage-match death fight between Van Gogh and Renoir, these fucking shows, Flay and his fucking "throw-downs." The original Iron Chef was a fucking JOKE motherfucker. Fuck Cat Cora, too.

          5. redarmyzombie

            I once took a summer culinary course with an actual chef, who actually worked with Bobby Flay and a few others, like Emeril and Mario Batali.

            Just to confirm, yes, Bobby Flay is a total douchewad.

      1. MissNancyPriss

        Or as I like to call it "House Hunters International: Diminished Expectations".

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I am still mourning Richard Lawson, you be sweet, Real Housewives of anywhere has never been the same. Plus, if this is good therapy for Rebecca, to sit around and talk about a tv show she's watched, why would you mind? Also, did you see Will Ferrell on the Saturday Night Live repeats this weekend? hilarious.

      1. prommie

        I was wrong in my criticism, anyway. I should have said this is so Jezebel-ish.

        This Rebecca cannot possibly be as old as me, a survivor of the "Last Mash" Lord it was like a Superbowl, all the talk was just of which Last Mash party you were gonna go to. It was way bigger than the last cheers, but not as drunk.

          1. prommie

            Damn! I heard about those mothers that played music at their uteri so their baybies would be born musical prodigies, but I didn't know there was a way to get TV up in there!

      2. prommie

        That reminds me, I am gonna get that Best of Christopher Walken from Netflix this week and brush up on my Colonel Angus.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Just remember you gotta be mindful of all that electronic equipment "up there" (so freaking gross you are) Electrocution is a hell of a way to go.

    2. Crank_Tango

      I really don't get why I am being forced to read (skip) something about every friggin episode of this show. I have no idea why I am supposed to care. I was too busy (read: high) to ever watch the west wing, so not one shit is given about Aaron Sorkin by me.

      1. prommie

        I think if you have a Vagina, this show should offend you, for some Jezebel-y reason. Its about the dudgeon, high dudgeon.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I think my vagina is offended by this what you just said here now too. It's telling ALL the gals at Jezebel about you RIGHT NOW.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            My vagina has a mind (and apparently a computer now) of its own you know, and neither of us hate men, we find y'all to be interesting and Big-time talk-about-worthy. But y'all do say some stupid shit sometimes.

        2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          My vagina would have to actually care enough to watch the show and/or read the recaps to be offended. As it is my vagina is just very annoyed by the continuing existence of this post.

  17. Nibbler of Niblonia

    The worst part about this show is how all these like-minded, but less disillusioned-than-me friends keep just GUSHING about how awesome this show is, because SOMEONE FOR ONCE says the things about the MEDJA and the BANKSTERS that they wish everyone would say.

    And because it strokes their tired and broken little liberal internal jimminy cricket, they are willing to overlook so much awful, awful, awful.

    And I almost (ALMOST!) feel bad for telling them how bad their new favorite show sucks.

  18. yellojkt

    What workplace on Earth decorates their office for Valentine's Day like it's a kindergarten classroom? No wonder these people are so angsty.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      LOVE. This. Show.

      And not just because all the characters have tons of dirty sex and say variations of "shit" a lot.

  19. Billmatic

    By the way, you never needed to figure out why Olivia Munn is anywhere.

    It's because she's stupid hot. That's it, end of story.

    I ain't sayin it's right, I'm just sayin, you feel me?

    1. Crank_Tango

      She is stupid hot. Also, that jiggly australian hurdler looked a little bit like her, but with a skill/talent in case you didn't already see that.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    So what's up with the Skitter Rebellion? Do you think Carter from ER will ever see his middle son again, or will the Chief Fish-head capture him and put a harness back on him? And is Charleston just a big trap?

    1. actor212

      I'm pretty sure Charleston is a trap, but they'll come through basically unscathed and having saved a bunch of humans from certain doom.

      Meanwhile, I think Ben will end up being the link into the Fish-head hierarchy that will persuade the humans they need to ally themselves in order to save the planet's resources from the Skitters.

      Unless of course General Bethlehem decides to shoot the Postman after all.

  21. ChessieNefercat

    A new shoe comes on the TV machine. You try it out, already pre-disposed to dislike it, and conclude that yep, you dislike it. So why keep hitting yourself in the head with a mallet week after week by watching it and concluding that YEP I STILL HATE IT!? And then writing about it!?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Since this is a blog that routinely covers the egregious horrors of the GOP and evangelical leaders, I'd say it's down to habit. Or maybe being fair and balanced. Or maybe it's just too much fun to stop trashing.

  22. ChessieNefercat

    I don't think Sorkin's shows are realistic, mind you. I realize that too many one-liners means there is not an actual plot or developed characters, just an abundance of free-standing snark. Which is why I don't care much about how dopey he makes the female characters, because I can't get that invested in their shallowness.

    But I kind of like his writing because it's an hour long version of being trapped in your own head two hours after some sort of incident and finally thinking of the perfect comeback, and imagining how the whole thing plays out now, not that it will because you didn't think of the perfect comeback. You as usual said something along the lines of "Oh, yeah? Well… mutter."

    (And by "you" and "your", I mean "I" and "me.")

  23. Antispandex

    Still better than The Palins of Moose Knuckle, Alaska….or whatever that peice of crap is called.

  24. MissNancyPriss

    Although I sadly agree with the opinion of the critic, I am disappointed to see a teevee show review after gleefully opening Wonkette Monday morning for catharsis. I don't really want to read about teevee shows here, except for the glory that is a GOP debate, or a Tripp Palin show live blogging. To bash a show that is at least trying….I dunno, why? There are so many things to hate on in this country right now….why this?

  25. lulzmonger

    OOOOOOOooooohhh. Post again but moar slow this time plz???????

    So deep is my l0ve for it that I now yearn to sodomize this post & make it bear my family of babby P0OPYH3ADs … not least of all for making me thankful to remain TeeVee-deficit-enriched.

  26. grayshorter

    Um, this became a shitty soap opera in week two? It WAS a sanctimonious, fish in a barrel gimmick retrospective news show, but now it's just relationship BS – a theme that should really be secondary to whatever the show is really about.

    Remember the BBC show "The Hour" that this show ripped off? Yeah, it should be more like that.

  27. tessiee

    "who wants to marry the Loch Ness Monster"

    *raises hand*
    I would like to marry the Loch Ness Monster because a) I think a Scottish accent is sexay and b) I had a nonexistent boyfriend all through High School, so having a nonexistent spouse isn't that much of a stretch. Also, let's face it, how cool would it be to have gift matchboxes as wedding favors, engraved with "Tessie and Nessie"?

  28. tessiee

    On the subject of quality television, there's a youtube video of "Bones" outtakes and bloopers where TJ Thyne blunders onto the set wearing only a towel.
    I'm just sayin'.

  29. ttommyunger

    Never thought Maureen was very smart, but she at least knows getting your picture taken between two ugly chicks does make her look better.

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