Turn on the Benny Hill music! Our noble newscast is bumbling and flailing like it is not the greatest newscast in the history of Edward R. Murrow! Everything is going wrong! Their dude in Egypt — the Rachel Maddow/Stephen Colbert whom Keith Olbermann/Jon Stewart has helped to get his or her own newscast following KO/JS’s — reports from in front of his minibar instead of from down in Tahrir Square! Yes, it is the time in 2010 when Tahrir Square is rocking like the Ghost of Dick Clark is leading the Bandstand, and also Wisconsin! And Valentine’s Day! And when we said that we actually liked last week’s episode, we did not know we would be putting up an apology so very soon! Because Episode Whatever (five? Let’s say “five”) was sickeningly bad and crazymaking, Aaron Sorkin’s much-noted misogyny boiling over into a level of woman-hating that had been till now undiscovered by Science, the Higgs Boson of misogyny, as every woman in the show makes totally clear what a needy, histrionic, dim-bulb freaking idjit all women are, especially the ones who are supposed to be professionally capable. Professionally capable? With a bagina? Haw haw haw. Don’t worry, li’l lady, big daddy Sorkin will ride to your crumbling, whining rescue, yeehaw.
Blah blah blah Egypt. Everyone is embarrassed that Rachel Maddow/Stephen Colbert/Lara Logan won’t report from the street, so she/he/she does, and gets beat up with a rock! Whew, she/he/she is okay, though, and not raped. Talk talk talk so much talk about the Koch brothers, because Mousy/Maggie is a News Psychic and knows the 25 teachers protesting Wisconsin Hotness Scott Walker will be 30,000 by tomorrow, and 15 minutes on the Koch brothers that are unintelligible even to people who follow the Koch brothers for a living (sort of).
Our Funny Interludes are courtesy of Mousy/Maggie constantly hitting her soulmate/boss in the face with a door — women, the reason we keep having to turn the “workplace accident” chart back to zero, hope nobody ever lets them drive! — and then freaking out on him super-appropriately for a place of business, demanding in no uncertain terms that he take out her roommate on Valentine’s Day, and bring her these pre-bought Romantic Gifts, and get himself in a relationship with her, so Mousy can go spend the night in a hotel without having to keep said roommate company during “Hope Floats.”
Oh hai, Avian Bones, have you been putting your boyfriend, FBI Special Agent Fritz Howard, on your show like five times in six weeks? Well as long as you didn’t know he was running for Congress in Anthony Wiener’s Penis Seat, we think we can assure you that absolutely no one would have a problem with that!
Also, we finally figured out why Olivia Munn is there: she’s Paul Krugman of course, and Avian Bones asks her to explain “economics” to her in five seconds or less, while she sobs into her wine and moans about her lost love for Aaron Sorkin. Which Aaron Sorkin ex has the honor of being the basis for this dithering pile of PMS? Is it Maureen Dowd? We hope it is Maureen Dowd, and that she is finally happy, somewhere.
Oh, we almost forgot: Dev Patel gets to do something in this show besides being the idiot who wants to marry the Loch Ness Monster/Bigfoot/leprechauns. Yes, he was on the train on 7/7, which means he can emote. And then he finds some 18-year-old hotness to replace Maddow/Colbert/Logan after she/he/she doesn’t get raped in Tahrir Square, and it never occurs to anyone that making him unmask and report with his face right out there when anyone could see it might put him in danger of some kind. So then he’s disappeared, and after 36 hours, Dev Patel whispers, like, pardon me, you guys, but our dude has been missing for 36 hours now? And then he too is a histrionic mess — he must also be in love with Aaron Sorkin, that’s how overwrought he is — but then they find him because Aaron Sorkin paid the ransom that Jane Fonda/Jane Fonda’s son were too busy blowing the Koch brothers to pay, since he was only a freelancer and also wasn’t white.
Did we mention that Supervillain TMZ reporter Hope Davis is now shaking Aaron Sorkin down for $50 big so as to stop writing mean things about Avian Bones’ utter and complete lack of journalistic ethics? Aaron Sorkin almost pays it, because he loves rescuing sad little women, but then Hope Davis calls herself a journalist, so Aaron Sorkin rips up the check he has just written. Haha, no he doesn’t. In maybe the funniest (unintentionally) part of the show, he very carefully draws a line through the check, like, “VOID.” What a little priss Aaron Sorkin is. Um, we mean, what a macho, manly BOSS!
Is that a thing, that Page Sixers and TMZers shake you down for protection money? It doesn’t seem like a thing. It doesn’t seem like Harvey Levin would let his editorial team do that? (Page Six, probably, yeah.)
And so all the men in the workplace are walking around with bandages, just in time for Valentine’s Day, because women will tear your hearts out and balls off and smash doors on you, and then it is a scene from Rudy where everybody calls Aaron Sorkin “coach” to help him pay the hotty’s ransom, because there was a long scene earlier about how much Aaron Sorkin loves the movie Rudy, which was gross and manipulative and awful, like, worst movie ever but not worse than this, and good job firing your whole writing staff, Aaron Sorkin, we’re sure they were the problem.
GIVE US MONEY! -