NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X

Dare you to fapKathryn Jean Lopez, better known by her gang moniker, K-Lo, is a pill. She is unpleasant and obsequiously pious and constantly telling all other American Catholics how they’re doing Catholicism wrong by actually following the edicts of Vatican II (which said Catholics should follow the dictates of their own consciences). She moans a lot about how unfair and unconstitutional it is to tell the Church they are not in fact in charge of their employees’ personal lives if the Church is not in fact paying the bill. She calls this an attack on religious liberty, and logically and persuasively and not at all histrionically explains that by classifying birth control as “preventative medicine,” the government has now “classified fertility as a disease.” In an earlier and much-missed American epoch, she would have been Goody Lopez, calling in the witch-burners on Goody Greensmith. But now? With her latest musings for NRO — of which she is the editor — we just feel sort of deflated and sad for her. Why are people so obsessed with sex? she asks her interviewee, over and over in slightly differing forms. What’s the big freaking deal? Oh, K-Lo.

There are several pages of K-Lo yowling along with her interviewer about how sex is terrible for women, and what’s the deal with food and sex anyway, and how can we get college students and feminists to stop being such terrible sluts? And it puts the lie to everything she has previously claimed about the GOP’s War on Women really being an Obama attack on religious liberty, because she is quite, quite clear: It is not about the Church. It is about women having filthy, disgusting, premarital sex, and we need to get back to the ’50s, when women were shamed. She thinks women who have sex are victims of the sexual revolution, and all her previous caterwauls about the Church’s “religious liberty” to deny their employees the Pill even if the Church is not paying for it are, simply, exposed. It’s not the Church’s religious liberty. It’s K-Lo being squicked out by the joys of a throbbing, juicy cock. And since K-Lo doesn’t like sex, well, why do you insist on being a whore?

So, that is not funny! It is sad! But we think if K-Lo doesn’t like cock, maybe she could be try eating some bush instead? And then she could shut the fuck up when the rest of us are doing #annromneysdancinghorse.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. ttommyunger

    I would feel sorry for this person if she weren't such an insufferable prig and meddler. In fact, I still feel sorry for her, I can't help myself. That pix says it all: "Never had one, never will, so no one else should." Sad.

    1. GemlikeFlame

      I don't think Ms. Lopez need worry overmuch about somebody trying to get her pants off.

      Unless they were trying to stuff them in her mouth.

    2. JohnnyQuick

      What I don't get is why she never became a nun. Maybe because she's a bigger ass about other people having sex than any other nun?

  2. JudasPeckerwood

    If your only experiences with S-E-X were failed drunken fumblings with Jonah Goldberg, you'd be pretty down on it, too.

  3. Chichikovovich

    It is telling that the picture displayed up above is [no snark] the most attractive picture of Lopez I've ever seen.

  4. WhiteyMcFlyover

    You know, I miss the good old day days when we all knew Catholics were part of an evil plot to take away our freedoms.

    1. LetUsBray

      Nowadays it's just the bishops and the Bill Donohue League who are in on the plot. Progress?

    2. kittensdontlie

      It was JFK who fooled us into believing catholics were cool with s-e-x….they're not.

    1. emmelemm

      Do you mean she'll likely SEE the Big Deal? (What it is?)

      Because I don't think she's ever going to BE a Big Deal.

      1. Callyson

        More likely, she'll have to offer a sweet deal to whoever jumps into bed with her…

        …and *now* I know where Mittens' "$300K is not very much money" comes from…

    2. Chichikovovich

      Ooooooh! That's a subtle one.

      [Are you really Joe Biden? Glad to have you on the board Joe!]

  5. shortsandpants

    Priests were a lot happier when their alter boys would succumb in Latin. She has a point.

  6. sudsmckenzie

    I'm Protestant, my fapping for the day is already over, … praise Jeebus and happy Ramadan.

  7. sbj1964

    Women today need put out more heterosexuals are losing the battle,I'm not saying you can keep up with all the oral & Anal sex,but you must try for the sake of the children.(Do you think they are going to buy that?) Worth a shot!

  8. OneYieldRegular

    99% of conservatism comes down to a pathological phobia of liberated sexuality. The other 1% comes down to not knowing what sexuality is.

  9. BarackMyWorld

    I was going to make a comment that she probably would have trouble finding a male partner, but honestly know there are guys out there who would definitely hit that.

        1. Jeri 2.0

          Shit, she'd eat all the dough before you could get her halfway turned. The wet spot would just be spittle from chewing so fast.

    1. PsycWench

      Out here in southwestern Virginia, that's about the average sized woman and a lot of them have men. The men aren't too attractive, though. True story: when we first moved here I happened to buy a church fundraiser cookbook that had more than one recipe for "Girdle Buster", a ice cream concoction that included cookies and butter.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Sometimes the guys are with them because they were better looking when they first got married, look cute even with all the extra weight, make up for it with a their personality, or they do awesome stuff in bed.

        Obviously none of those applies in this case.

        1. shelwood46

          Seriously. It's not the looks or weight that make K-Lo unfuckable, it's the personality.

  10. Come here a minute

    Kathryn Jean needs to watch some nature documentaries, maybe then she'll understand.

    Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.

  11. Dudleydidwrong

    Tried to fap to that. Didn't work. My sig other tried to fap to that. Couldn't do it, either–too much laughter. She's unfappable along with being a stupid, caterwauling shit. If that's what is in Catholic pews no wonder the priests start looking at the boys.

  12. mavenmaven

    They argue that sex is like communism, and that its better to be "kantian" about sex. Dr Freud, emergency!!! "red peril" These two just need to come out of the closet.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Thanks, you're too kind. There's a whole lot of clever people here.

          I can only get away with that kind of thing on Wonkette.

  13. Hera Sent Me

    I find it terrible that people go flying in their personal private jets. How can they possibly enjoy traveling the world at will? How can they stand it, flitting around above the clouds, always knowing that just a few hours stand between them and any place they choose to be? It's not that I'm jealous or anything, it's just disgusting, is all.

    (The difference between me and K-Lo is that I have a better chance of owning a jet than she does of having an orgasm.)

  14. Goonemeritus

    I believe there is not nearly enough promiscuity at least not enough for my taste.

  15. Rotundo_

    KLo seems amazed to be in the midst of a culture that is obsessed with drugs and sex. These two things are also single minded focuses of groups of people with some sort of vested interest in hyperventilating about them for profit. If they would just make contraception more available and reliable, and let folks smoke marajuana for giggles on the weekends, much less damage would get done to people and we would be a hell of a lot more relaxed. We can't have that sort of thing though, because joykills like KLo make money ranting about it. The cottage industry of idiocy triumphs again.

    1. MittBorg

      Two nanoseconds after I clicked that link, I remembered about you and BAD LINKS!! But it was too late for a take-back, and I do want to say that I experienced something very much like an organism when the resulting visual did NOT cause immediate barfage.

  16. tbogg

    K-Lo hasn't gotten over the time her vibrator demurred by telling her "I'm just not that into you".

  17. coolhandnuke

    The brain is the only sexual organ in our body. That is why most of the intellectually uncurious and rigid fundamentalists will never ever have a true orgasm.
    Exhibit a) Kathryn Jean Lopez.

  18. Goonemeritus

    As to the Alt- txt were I to land a research grant I would give it a go but I’m not optimistic.

  19. rickmaci

    Kathryn Jean is the explanation for why all the Catholic guys I grew up with married Jewish women.

  20. viennawoods13

    I had a good Catholic friend like her. She would say things like "If they were Catholic and knew they had to stay together instead of getting divorced, how would they make it work?" Yes, she was that naive. She couldn't understand why the few guys who were attracted to her ( some definite similarities to K-Lo there, by the way) sorta lost interest when she wouldn't go past god knows, probably first base. As far as I know she is still unmarried.

  21. gullywompr

    This country needs another 1960's. Just keep the Hell's Angels out of it this time.

  22. IceCreamEmpress

    She wants to know what love is. She wants you to show her.

    For srs, she should do that whole "consecrated virgin" thing. Make a virtue out of necessity.

  23. VA_Dreaming

    Why are y'all so convinced that she never has sex. I can see clearly from her pictures that she has a lover and spends lots of time with him; Captain Crunch.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I hope her other lover Mr. Goodbar doesn't find out.

      (Yes,we are all going straight to catholic hell, see you all there.)

      1. C_R_Eature

        You're thinking of Weejee. I usually get Mittborg to click on his links first. Can't be too careful.

        Big Mama Thorton Rocks! Thanks!

        You know, I liked K-Lo better when she Rocked.

        Never Say Never, you know.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Hey, I like the Sax on that. You're too right about the talent, but the resemblance amuses me.

            Chug Chug Chug-A-Lug (Push And Shove) sounds like what happened to K-Lo and Jonah at the end of the last office Christmas party.

            Funniest sound I ever heard. You know I can't understand a single word

  24. CountryClubJihadi

    I tried to read the NRO piece, but was distracted by Huma's photo and just ended up Googling images of her and posting it to the "My Style" board on Pinterest. I don't have a board for K-Lo.

  25. chascates

    I'm reminded of Bill Buckley's son writing about his dad in 'Mum and Pup'. Pops Buckley would take his Hispanic servants to Mass all the time. I wonder if K-Lo is a love child . . .
    No. Couldn't be.

    1. LetUsBray

      " Pops Buckley would take his Hispanic servants to Mass all the time.

      THAT's what elderly wingnuts call it?!?!? Ewwwwwwwwww….

  26. Joshua Norton

    Poor pie-eyed, pie eating K-Lo.

    All her type of Christianity does with their time is take offense. They’re biological machines elegantly constructed by an intelligent designer (Pat Robertson) to convert food and air into complaints.

  27. Blueb4sunrise

    Sure, our editrix makes the alt-text challenge when the ''mutually beneficial arrangement' ad is gone.
    But there is a Ben and Jerry's ad….worth a try anyway.

    1. JustPixelz

      Whoever placed the MBA ad, must have assumed Wonkette readers are largely single men who can't get laid. OK, that may actually be true. But what made them think any of us have enough spare money to be … um … "mutual"?

  28. finallyhappy

    I just noticed that there are condom machines in the Paris metro stations. Not sure how that fits in here but I wanted to say it

    1. JustPixelz

      In a recent survey, 30% of French men said they fall asleep after sex, 25% smoke a cigarette, and 45% go home to their wives. [rim shot!]

      1. redarmyzombie

        Actually, you're not that far from the truth.

        One of my English professors lived in France for some time. One of her friends there came by when here flight was cancelled and asked to stay the night. when my professor asked why she didn't just go home, she replied, "Oh, I wouldn't want to disturb him if his mistress is there. That would be rude."

        (Another time she was talking with another friend about how lonely she was because her husband was a physicist working at CERN, and the friend asked, "Well, why don't you take a lover then?")

  29. YouBetcha

    Come on Wonketteers, someone take one for the team and go down on her. She doesn't know what she's missing.

  30. Fare la Volpe

    Guys guys guys, let's not get on K-Lo's case about her looks.

    Sure, she has the body of an engorged amorphous cow blob and a face that even a seeing-eye pig would mistake for garbage. But remember — it's what inside that counts. The thing that makes her truly hideous, inside and out, is her personality.

  31. va_real

    I don't think she's so unattractive, and some of these RW's are real ugly on the inside, regardless of exterior packaging. My guess is that she's probably a victim of a) strict Catholic upbringing, b) hormone imbalance and/or c) lack of imagination.

    What I find a little disturbing is the quiz to the right asking me "do you think texters should also be responsible for distracting drivers?' WTH does that even mean?

      1. va_real

        Of course, she could be pulling everyone's chain if that is an act & she's got a secret life…

    1. Callyson

      I was wondering about that quiz too. Maybe the idea is that if someone is walking while texting, they are distracting because drivers figure they better pay attention for once, as opposed to speeding up and yelling "Run, foolish pedestrians, run!"

      Or not…

      1. va_real

        The phrasing is odd, no? Like if you're going to text, you must accept the responsibility to also be sure to distract drivers. That sounds kinda dangerous- especially for pedestrians, as you point out…

  32. MittBorg

    Something tells me K-Lo's incessant caterwauling might have somewhat impinged upon Editrix' LAST FUCKING NERVE.

    We could just take up a collection and buy the poor girl a Pearl, yaknow.

  33. Antispandex

    Food and sex. I can see she has probably nothing to worry about when it comes to giving up sex, but the gluttony looks like it may be a tougher for her, 'cause, damn.. Also, too, I hope she is as successful at getting women to go along with her no sex plan as she is at Jenny Craig.

  34. valthemus

    "It is about women having filthy, disgusting, premarital sex…"

    This will help horny teenage boys on Google find this site.

    Thanks again to the Wonkette crew for reading NRO so the rest of us don't have to. You should probably burn your computer now and go bathe.

  35. SayItWithWookies

    LOPEZ: Why are so many memorable Atlantic Monthly pieces about sex?

    EBERSTADT: Because they’re written of, by, and for women — and a lot of women out there are apparently really miserable.

    What the hell does that even mean? My understanding is that if a magazine has lots of articles about, say, model trains, the drought and the latest treatments for cancer, for example, it's because people are interested in these topics and want to read about them.

    Apparently sex is different — if people want to read about sex it's because they're miserable. I'm not sure why they're miserable, because Eberstadt gets so caught up in her metaphor that she never bothers to explain it with any clarity — but boy it's an extended metaphor.

    1. Callyson

      It's part of the whole right wing mantra about how feminism has supposedly made women unhappy. They base that claim on some social science surveys that show that as a group, a larger % of women today say that they are not happy compared to 40 years ago.

      Of course, what they never consider is that 40 years ago, "nice" women would never admit to being less than ecstatic to have an MRS degree and a couple of rug rats and an utterly dull life, whereas today women don't have to lie to themselves and others about how they are really feeling. They also don't stop to think that if women are so unhappy about the sexual revolution, they should have enthusiastically endorsed cutting birth control coverage and PP funding. Uh, no, not happening…

  36. dopper0189

    Just looking at her and reading her writing have cured me of any sexual desires I may have had for the weekend!

  37. EatsBabyDingos

    She should have sex with Lindsey Graham because, uhh Higgs Boson. Anti-sex matter. A video might cure teen pregnancy, and we all want that.

  38. docteur_giraud

    "Have you been reading my inbox again?"

    "I don’t have to, Kathryn — I can already guess what’s in it!"

    Lamest flirting ever.

  39. Sister_Ray

    Ya know, I have been wondering the exact same thing: what's all the fuss regarding sex about? Except I am wondering it for a completely different reason than K Lo here.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    When I was a servant in the executive suite of a Fortune 100, I had the exact jacket she's wearing in that photo (purchased at TJ Maxx). I couldn't get any action there. Maybe it was my clothes! I always thought my bad attitude prevented my from seducing one of 1% away from his hausfrau and her dancing horses.

  41. DocChaos

    Granted, while K-Lo doesn't resemble the women found modeling overly clever T-shirts on the web, it is not her appearance which keeps her from having a sex life. Look at some of the women pushing strollers around Wal-Mart and it's plain to see that for females, virginity is always a choice, not a condition brought about by lack of opportunity.

    I don't think that Ms. Lopez is a closeted lesbian either, she's just one of those people that find the whole idea of sex disgusting. Just like some people won't eat snails, no matter how much butter and garlic you cook them with.

    1. aklibtard

      So you're saying that you'd like to eat out K-Lo if she was covered in butter and garlic? Whew! I thought it was just me.

  42. kittensdontlie

    Oh that chick is a closet(vegeatables stay fresher in the dark) cosmo reader if I ever saw one…

    "Father forgive me for I have sinned…

  43. Chet Kincaid

    I bothered to skim the article. Whole bunch of crap from the interviewee about how it was predicted 60 years ago that the sexual revolution would result in broken homes and social dysfunction; feminism and the sexual revolution go hand in hand; women are miserable because of the sexual revolution; women are now righteous scolds about food instead of sex, when 60 years ago they were righteous scolds about sex instead of food; people now know that the Communist Manifesto was a bunch of garbage, so sooner or later the sexual revolution and feminism will be on the ash heap of history, too.

    I would say you could argue that the stereotype of the sexual revolution benefited the mind-set of certain men more than certain women. But feminism only figures into it in the fact that decoupling (intended!) sex from being provided for allows women freedom of choice and movement in their life's work and lifestyle, right? But these two seem to think women are helpless and in need of men's protection, so you must bargain sexual favors in a binding contract to get economic and social (intended!) security.

    Jesus, this shit is exhausting. Kathryn, if you don't want to fuck, don't fuck! If nobody wants to fuck you because they can get the cow for free elsewhere, date harder with your conservative friends! Surely somebody will pity-marry you. If you don't like modern pharmaceutical-medical advances like the pill, go to the fucking Amish and renounce everything else as well, instead of just composing buzzkill screeds for everyone else! The Nunnery is also an option, unless social justice also offends you! Gawd.

    1. docteur_giraud

      "Surely somebody will pity-marry you"

      Cheer up, K-Lo! There's a Marcus Bachmann somewhere out there for you.

          1. Jukesgrrl

            I know.I see those stupid “Buy Gold” ads on there all the time, too, and think WTF.Then again, we should be glad those tools are wasting some of their profits.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Please, K-Lo's the type that would get on the nuns' cases because they weren't fighting against abortion and gay marriage hard enough. She and that Roman Nazi have a lot in common.

  44. Chet Kincaid

    I thought the point of Catholicism was that you could do whatever the fuck you want, so long as some creepy old guy waves a spell over you in Latin before you croak. Isn't that what gangsters and Kennedys have always believed?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      It's black with a vertical line down the middle. She's not going to do any better than that without shopping in a Muslim country.

  45. Callyson

    Pitirim Sorokin…went so far as to argue that the sexual revolution would be the most consequential modern revolution for all humanity, excepting only the totalitarian political experiments.

    Yeah, because the technological revolution is peanuts in comparison.

    Hyperbolic much?

    1. mwittier

      Not just hyperbolic; that's the province of teens and other vurginds. This is something much more: misguidedly, hyperbolically fixated.

      To the ironic extent that her tiny-minded, hopelessly archaic and inaccurate message is being made available to masses who might have been otherwise spared without a technological revolution, yeah. What a sad, joyless dope, washing out her big cotton panties in public, and hollering, AMIRIGHT? to the winds.

  46. Callyson

    There’s more censorship and self-censorship about the legacy of the sexual revolution than about any other current issue out there. The fact is that people today are less free to talk candidly about this legacy than people were half a century ago. That tells us a lot. A mind can be a terrible thing to change.

    Yeah–it's not as if we've had to endure endless yammering on the topic from Frothy Mix and the Fundies…


  47. telecustom1972

    I think Ms. Lopez has just never been romanced properly. Ahh to behold her beauty in the moonlight. She and I alone with a loaf of bread, a jug of wine, a sack of flour……

  48. aklibtard

    She's pre-Vatican II Catholic, so it goes without saying that she has a terrible guilt complex about any sexual urges she may have. You can add to that the everyday run-of-the-mill body image problems that all fat women have. Any guy that would actually be with a chick like that is probably just as cowed. Sex would be a once a month awkward chore to be gotten out of the way. Just looking at her, you get the feeling that she's never actually had an orgasm. In. Her. Life.

    1. mwittier

      For Kathryn Jean, sex is like a trip to the laundromat.
      So much heat and perspiration! Bloomers seen publicly! Correct change only! Awkward mingling of genders! Crass magazines lying about! Moisture and germs! Unflattering lighting! Dragging everything out and putting it back away!
      Which also explains the dry-clean only armor in the photo above.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      If she's pre-Vatican II and wants to feel guilty, I have a great idea for her. She could direct some of her boundless energy and piety to wondering why Pope Pius couldn't convince that house painter from Austria to leave the Jews alone in the name of all that is holy?

  49. Boojum

    I just read the entire article. I am left wondering just exactly what she thinks the sexual revolution changed.

    I mean, people were having sex before. My grandmother got knocked up when she was 14, got married, and he promptly scarpered. My great grandmother had 17 children. How are those things better than using a condom?

  50. IndianaKevin

    Am I the only one who appreciates Rebecca writing, "the joys of a throbbing, juicy cock?" That makes this a very fappable article despite the picture up top, IMHO.

  51. Troubledog

    This is simply KLo's desperate cry for help. And when I say help, I mean a guy to get a handful of that crappy hair and take charge.

    Let's not forget, women (especially repressed women) claim disdain for sexual practices while they remain uncertain how you feel about them. This is an enormous trial balloon, kids. It's how they test you to see if you're tall enough to ride the ride without any risking of being personally judged.

    Of course no means no, but pay attention! Usually it's not no. It's conditional. For example, they say "I'm not interested in anal, it hurts." but they're looking at you very directly to get your reaction. This is not a boundary statement, it's actually a question. You are being screened for suitability.

    If you act grossed out, it never gets discussed again. HA! You will never get another date. You just judged her! She hates you now. Girls are awesome.

    If you instead return the eye contact, lower your voice, lean in conspiratorially, and say "Really? I've never been on the receiving end", and she moves a little closer or touches your forearm while giggling a little bit, you have reached an understanding. The understanding is you're good to hit it from behind if you take it slow or she is really drunk.

    So let's inquire why Darling KLo is so obsessed with all the hetero sex that's going on. OMG all the fucking, I don't care for it one bit — she's looking at you very directly right now. BTW, looks like she's geared up for some roleplay in a Cardinal's frock.

    She wants it so bad. Go talk to her, dude. You can totally hit that. In two weeks she'll be doing your laundry and writing your name over and over on her Pee-Chee. Just bring a little game. In the old days I might suggest we send Riley over with a box of Franzia Chillable Red and get some footage.

  52. lulzmonger

    Shorter Lopez = non-marital humping makes a diaper rash happen to Babeh Jesus!

    Dare you to fap

    CHALLENGE AC- … AC- … ack … nope, sorry.

    Gonna lay down my "Eldritch Cloak Of Aborting FUBAR Challenges" enchantment on that monster – it's just not possible until my penis gives me a REEEEEEEEALLY GOOD reason to hate-fap.

  53. VinnieSaltine

    " It is about women having filthy, disgusting, premarital sex, and we need to get back to the ’50s, when women were shamed."

    Going back to the '50s seems perfectly in line with the Republican plan to reduce unemployment. Imagine how our unemployment rate would be if women were no longer allowed to have to real jobs, and instead were supposed to stay at home?

    Every man could finally have a job, every women would go back to cleaning the house and watch her soaps, and our nation would have 100% (male) employment. Huzzah!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I wonder how quick that would turn the new CEO of Yahoo into a feminist? She claims she isn't one because, eww they're so icky, yet she's perfectly happy to embrace all the opportunities feminism has provided for her. She's nice looking — in the '50s, she would have been the front office receptionist.

  54. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Yes it's a huge surprise that this odious bag of shit hates sex because no man…not even a human version of Glenn Quagmire would hit that. Now that I've said this…what's the odds that Baio would? I'll bet if we called him racist against the browns (because there's a 99.6% chance he is) that in order to overcompensate and prove isn't he might just hit that and then she'd eat him preying mantis style with the added bonus that getting laid would lead to far less uptightness. It's a win, win!

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