well are you punk?

Scurrilous Scallawags Aim To Jape At Their Betters, The Lord And Lady Romney

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Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Who are these you people who insist on making mockery of Mittens Romney, His Lord High Hairgel? Why have they not yet been put in a quiet room, in Guantanamo? Beats us. And better yet, find them and beat them! [AmIARomney?]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Extemporanus

    If ______________, then you might be a Romney.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      …your house has an elevator.

      For cars.

      • sezme

        or for horses.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Oops. I just took the quiz, it's actually on there.

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            And obvs you have an elevator for your bike right Lascaux? Sometimes also called a shoulder?

          • Lascauxcaveman

            And not only that, not one BUT TWO, Yakima Predator bike racks on top of my elitist made-in-America Japanese luxury car. (1993 Subaru)

            Fifty bucks well spent. I tell you man, top quality is worth throwing around a little extra at the local garage sales. Mitt understands this, too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If you have a horse that dances and you ain't drunk, you might be a Romney

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      your name is 'Mitt'

    • fartknocker

      you have 4 Cadillacs, 2 Land Rovers, and someone who shovels all the shit that Ann's horsey makes

      • Callyson

        Ah, but does Mittens have someone to shovel all the shit that Ann herself makes? We'll find out soon if they attempt to do damage control over the "you people" business…

    • IncenseDebate

      You have an on switch.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If your car roof carries more than zero dogs, you might be a Romney.

    • Estproph

      …you refer to the entire human race as "you people"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If your trees are just the right height, you might be a Romney.

    • Crank_Tango

      I never was good at these "you know you're a whiteneck when…" jokes.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Yes, if 'blank', then ………..

    • OneDollarJuana

      Your comment is kinda like that "Jesus is __________" PR campaign.

    • RadioSlut

      You ran an Olympics using '36 as a model.

      • el_donaldo

        I believe that qualifies as what the kids today whimsically refer to as a "win."

    • rocktonsam

      …if the only blahs you know, work for you

    • SmutBoffin

      Do you think Brown is the equivalent of a barber college? Y.M.B.a.R.

      Do you you have two shovels, one for your $1000000 horse stable and one for your money pile? Y.M.B.a.R.

      Do you think "You should do some more research into the long-term benefits of mutual funds" is a good tip for a waitress? Y.M.B.a.R.

      Do you think you should get to be President because "Fuck, I'm rich"? Y.M.B.a.R.

    • el_donaldo

      .. you walk up and down the beach by your vacation home looking for townies that might be getting high …

    • MissTaken

      Your checkbook is to the Bank of Cayman Islands, Care Of Credit Suisse

    • MissTaken

      You know the correct way to pronounce 'dressage'

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        But have never said the word "undress," without blushing.

    • UnholyMoses

      … some of your best friends own black people NASCAR teams …

    • OkieDokieDog

      … you think baptizing dead people to your crazy assed religious cult is what Jebus would do…

    • RadioSlut

      You are a felon.

      • radio-of-owls

        DAN: Back to back home runs, Jim! How about them apples?!

        JIM: You know Dan, I think this kid's got some real potential. He's clearly learned a lot in his recent stint at the Double-A level.

        DAN: He sure has. You just can't over stress how important it is for kids like young Slut here to master the fundamentals. It's the difference between the guys who come in, light things up but then burn out quickly and the ones that stay healthy and wind up with a long, productive career.

        • bobbert


    • rickmaci

      if you refer to the teller at your bank as the Swiss miss,

    • rickmaci

      ..you enjoy firing people that work for you,

    • rickmaci

      if you bullied, harassed and assaulted one of your prep school class mates and you think he didn't mind,

    • SorosBot

      You think $10,000 is a small bet.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If you retired retroactively, you might be a Romney.

    • Callyson

      you think $300K is "not very much money."

      Oh, and you're a self entitled prick, also, too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If you vacation in the Caymans so you can visit your money, you might be a Romney

      • kittensdontlie

        Or if your money goes to the Caymans on vacation…that's R-money.

    • redarmyzombie

      If your vet bill is $77,000 for an annual checkup, then you might be a Romney.

    • rickmaci

      …if your 1040 form has more pages than the Bible and Gone with the Wind combined,

    • Wilcoxyz

      If you think corporations are people, …

    • An_Outhouse

      shove your child's face into a plate of butter

    • FakaktaSouth

      you think it is your place to gang tackle people and forcibly cut their hair while chanting gay as a childhood prank

    • EdFlintstone

      If the dressage horse you're trying to unload is more burned out and drugged up than Charlie Sheen.

    • vtxmcrider

      you are a cunt or a dick

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      you think wheat germ vaccines are a problem

  • DrunkIrishman

    I'd take the quiz, but I fear it'd be traced back to me and Romney would force me into a Chinese sweatshop to knit those little cosies for Ann's insane antique teapot collection.

    • arcadesproject

      oh man would I love to see an insane teapot. and i'd walk a mile to see a whole collection of insane teapots. (love your handle, DI)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    $374,000 is not that much money, frankly. I know people who owe at LEAST that much on their mortgages and their homes aren't even worth it!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And not everything that is underwater is located in the Northwest.

    • SoBeach

      I know people who owe at LEAST that much on their mortgages and their homes aren't even worth it!

      Thanks for the punch in the gut reminder of why I'm such an ill-tempered bastard most of the time.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
  • sezme

    I heard he wrote off $56,000 in Dapper Dan last year.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      No FOP for him, damnit!

      • Puffperney

        Well, ain't this place a geological oddity?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Damned chifforobe.

    • shortsandpants

      Please live forever.

  • bumfug

    This is what Mitt doesn't get and never will – the "Real Americans" he's always yammering about have hated privileged, smirking douchebags like him since they were old enough to walk.

    • justkillmenow

      Sadly, they all think they will one day be just like him.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      But he's white.

    • UnholyMoses

      And yet millions will vote for him, and do so out of spite for teh gayz, the blahs, the poorz*, messicans, women, and health care for all.

      (* Yes, many will also be poor. But poor white folks aren't the same as those of more … shall we type, "dusky hues.")

      • Puffperney

        …and that sir, is the problem.

    • mayor_quimby

      Yeah, you always wanted to beat up the kid who had all the toys, would never share, even if he wasn't using them.
      No joke, in pre-school I had a kid throw a dump truck over a fence so I couldn't play with it, he didn't even want it, just soI didn't get to use it.

      • ChuckieJesus

        I remember being in a hospital waiting to get seen about my strep throat, watching as this kid (who, incidentally, looked like Tripp Palin) put cartoons on the television (a box set in the corner, this was years ago) and stood in front of it with his arms outspread.

        In short, fuck those little assholes!

  • Schmannnity

    Shit. Romney's already on the $250,000,000 bill.

  • edgydrifter

    I'm sure several Supreme Court justices would agree that mocking Romneys is subject to reasonable 1st Amendment time and place restrictions, specifically never and nowhere.

    • OurDailyBread

      And 2nd Amendment remedies.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        For the Justices or the mockers?

    • arcadesproject

      i think maybe if you applied for a permit and entered into a negotiation with some official or other you might be allowed to mock Romneys between 10 AM and 2 PM on every 5th Wednesday of every month. maybe.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Beat them, but not with the good whips. The old whips, made of leather and sweatshop workers' tears, will do just fine.

  • Beowoof

    As I mentioned in an earlier post, if Mitt gets elected, I am pretty sure these plans will be big sellers.

    • Puffperney

      Aux armes, citoyens!

  • chascates

    And to think 150 years ago his forefathers had to flee to Utah for their lives!

    • Crank_Tango

      You spelled wives wrong.

      • chascates

        You know, any guy who would want to deal with more than one wife is just fucking nuts.

        • Puffperney

          Smith himself was too smart for that. He mostly had other peoples wives and daughters as "celestial marriages", which, apparently, did not apply in any civil law way, just bedroom time.

    • rickmaci

      That's what happens in Utah when you advocate for liberal marriage laws.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Nice picture to hang in post office. Not as the president but as " Wanted Dead or Alive for tax evasion".

  • sbj1964

    To the Mittens of this world "Membership has it's privileges"He has everything,and now wants us to give him more.Like it's his birth rite to rule over us muggles!He is like "Look at me I'm successful".You should worship me as your GOD! "That I will become when I die ,and go to Mormon Heaven."

  • Estproph

    How long before Romney just says screw it and buys the election outright?

  • SexySmurf

    One of the questions is, "You're reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl. Are the trees the right height?"

    • doloras

      Let me tell you about my car elevator. *bang* *bang* *bang*

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Oh, pissboy!

  • IonaTrailer

    If you took advantage of the IRS amnesty program in 2009 for fraudulent nondisclosure of offshore income, you might be a R'money.

  • el_donaldo

    I keep reading that as AnalRomney.

  • UnholyMoses

    Good to see one can be an asshole, yet still not a Romney.

    I need to go ask for a really big raise. brb

  • Billmatic

    All the gold
    all the guns
    in the world
    get you off

    is it ever gonna be enough??

    • SorosBot

      The world is not enough.

    • prommie

      Awww, new music! How cool.

  • SorosBot

    It almost seems like the great Dylan was writing about Mitt and Ann Romney when he wrote, "I can live on rice and beans; Some people never worked a day in their life, Don't know what work even means." But since Modern Times came out in 2006 he was probably thinking of another born rich plutocrat turned politician, and that one turned out so well for America.

  • ttommyunger

    "The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping."
    "What do you mean, I'm not helping?"

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      "Why aren't you helping?"
      "The tortoise should pull itself up by its bootstraps. No free handouts."
      "*You* turned the tortoise over."
      "Free market at work. Are you regulating me?"

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      "Next let's talk about your mother. Describe for me your first memory of your mother" "I'll tell you about my money, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!" "Governor, he was asking about your mother, not your money!" "You want to know about my money too?" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! "Nobody fucks with my money"

      Bladerunner 2: 'Retire' the Romneys

  • Antispandex

    Willard and Ayn Romney will not put up with this crap once they are in the White House that they deserve, you people.

    BTW, I took the quiz. I didn't make the cut. I shall die poor, without so much as a Cayman Island account.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    If you think there is some sort of discernable difference between offshoring and outsourcing, you might be a Romney.

  • LastGasp

    Of all the bizarre things — I type <a href="http://www.amiaromney.com” target=”_blank”>www.amiaromney.com into my web browser and my Internet service provider gives me an error page, as if the domain didn't exist. I had to use a proxy server to get to the website.

  • Callyson

    Our condolences. Based on your responses we have determined that you are not a Romney. We recommend that you take immediate steps to enter the top 1% income bracket (or at least the top 20%) as soon as possible to avoid tax increases and reap the full benefits of a potential Romney presidency.

    Time to stop goofing around on Wonkette and get back to work…

  • IonaTrailer

    If your 2010 tax return shows you gave the Mormon Church $4.1 million – you might be a R'money, but you might not be that popular with the voters…

  • owhatever

    And $77,000 ain't much to pay for a horsie that bounces up and down and gives Ann pleasure in the saddle.

    • An_Outhouse

      That horse dances like Fred Astaire. Why do you hate Fred Astaire?

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Because he was a right-wing asshat?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Uh oh. I do have relatives in Luxembourg who might have bank accounts. Does this make me a Romney?

  • http://wonkette.com OldWhiteLies

    Not an Rmoney? No? Hmmm.

    Well then. Take our next ARE YOU A challenge:

    If you barely make the rent each month for a ramshackle apartment on the 5th floor in a 130 year old building that hasn't had a working elevator since the Eisenhower administration; if your aging diabetic widowed mother lives with you and hovers near death constantly because her medication and testing supplies sometimes stand in the way of you all eating; if your recently graduated from high-school son and your husband both have no job prospects whatsoever; if all of that is true and you still insist on voting for the candidate whom would mercilessly crush you under heel and simply throw away the shoes as spoiled afterward; well then you might be instead …

  • An_Outhouse

    I am a Romney! Actually I'm not. I lied on a lot of the answers. I guess I am a Romney after all.

  • shortsandpants

    "I am a Romney."

    With the amount of wives those folks have stashed away, I wouldn't be surprised to be admitting that some day.

  • didgen

    I am not a Romney, but my views have now changed so I am a Romney, but no my views have now changed so I am….

  • Fox n Fiends

    Lord Romneyton of Mormonia hath begot and begot and begot until the yachts are full of Romneytons and not You People.

  • HarryButtle

    Today we are all Romneys.

  • littlebigdaddy

    God, let these people keep talking! Every interview is another nail in the coffin of the Rmoney campaign. And the GOP will be on life support after this!

  • mr bojangles

    the next one, 'are you a pawlenty' should be just as challenging.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Do you like Mayonaise and white bread sandwiches? Does your music playlist consist of Pat Boone's greatest hits? Do people spontaneously commit suicide when you stop to talk to them? Is your favorite 'sweet treat' plain iced milk? Does MITT ROMNEY find you excruciatingly boring? Answer yes to all five and you are indeed a Pawlenty.

  • Carrabuda

    "You people" will probably vote for "that one." Hmmph!

  • 12X34X

    Winston and Bitsy.
    I love you for that.