WELL ARE YOU PUNK?  4:01 pm July 19, 2012

Scurrilous Scallawags Aim To Jape At Their Betters, The Lord And Lady Romney

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Who are these you people who insist on making mockery of Mittens Romney, His Lord High Hairgel? Why have they not yet been put in a quiet room, in Guantanamo? Beats us. And better yet, find them and beat them! [AmIARomney?]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 113 comments }

Extemporanus July 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

If ______________, then you might be a Romney.

Lascauxcaveman July 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

…your house has an elevator.

For cars.

sezme July 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

or for horses.

Lascauxcaveman July 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Oops. I just took the quiz, it's actually on there.

weejee July 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And obvs you have an elevator for your bike right Lascaux? Sometimes also called a shoulder?

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

If you have a horse that dances and you ain't drunk, you might be a Romney

Dr_Zoidberg July 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

your name is 'Mitt'

fartknocker July 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm

you have 4 Cadillacs, 2 Land Rovers, and someone who shovels all the shit that Ann's horsey makes

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Ah, but does Mittens have someone to shovel all the shit that Ann herself makes? We'll find out soon if they attempt to do damage control over the "you people" business…

IncenseDebate July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

You have an on switch.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

If your car roof carries more than zero dogs, you might be a Romney.

Estproph July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

…you refer to the entire human race as "you people"

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

If your trees are just the right height, you might be a Romney.

Crank_Tango July 19, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I never was good at these "you know you're a whiteneck when…" jokes.

Blueb4sunrise July 19, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Yes, if 'blank', then ………..

OneDollarJuana July 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Your comment is kinda like that "Jesus is __________" PR campaign.

RadioSlut July 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You ran an Olympics using '36 as a model.

el_donaldo July 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm

I believe that qualifies as what the kids today whimsically refer to as a "win."

rocktonsam July 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

…if the only blahs you know, work for you

SmutBoffin July 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Do you think Brown is the equivalent of a barber college? Y.M.B.a.R.

Do you you have two shovels, one for your $1000000 horse stable and one for your money pile? Y.M.B.a.R.

Do you think "You should do some more research into the long-term benefits of mutual funds" is a good tip for a waitress? Y.M.B.a.R.

Do you think you should get to be President because "Fuck, I'm rich"? Y.M.B.a.R.

el_donaldo July 19, 2012 at 4:16 pm

.. you walk up and down the beach by your vacation home looking for townies that might be getting high …

MissTaken July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Your checkbook is to the Bank of Cayman Islands, Care Of Credit Suisse

MissTaken July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

You know the correct way to pronounce 'dressage'

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm

But have never said the word "undress," without blushing.

UnholyMoses July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

… some of your best friends own black people NASCAR teams …

OkieDokieDog July 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm

… you think baptizing dead people to your crazy assed religious cult is what Jebus would do…

RadioSlut July 19, 2012 at 4:20 pm

You are a felon.

radio-of-owls July 20, 2012 at 12:25 am

DAN: Back to back home runs, Jim! How about them apples?!

JIM: You know Dan, I think this kid's got some real potential. He's clearly learned a lot in his recent stint at the Double-A level.

DAN: He sure has. You just can't over stress how important it is for kids like young Slut here to master the fundamentals. It's the difference between the guys who come in, light things up but then burn out quickly and the ones that stay healthy and wind up with a long, productive career.

bobbert July 21, 2012 at 11:48 pm

wut?

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm

if you refer to the teller at your bank as the Swiss miss,

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

..you enjoy firing people that work for you,

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

if you bullied, harassed and assaulted one of your prep school class mates and you think he didn't mind,

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

You think $10,000 is a small bet.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

If you retired retroactively, you might be a Romney.

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm

you think $300K is "not very much money."

Oh, and you're a self entitled prick, also, too.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

If you vacation in the Caymans so you can visit your money, you might be a Romney

kittensdontlie July 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

Or if your money goes to the Caymans on vacation…that's R-money.

redarmyzombie July 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

If your vet bill is $77,000 for an annual checkup, then you might be a Romney.

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

…if your 1040 form has more pages than the Bible and Gone with the Wind combined,

Wilcoxyz July 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

If you think corporations are people, …

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

shove your child's face into a plate of butter

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

you think it is your place to gang tackle people and forcibly cut their hair while chanting gay as a childhood prank

EdFlintstone July 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

If the dressage horse you're trying to unload is more burned out and drugged up than Charlie Sheen.

vtxmcrider July 19, 2012 at 6:05 pm

you are a cunt or a dick

Sharkey July 19, 2012 at 9:21 pm

you think wheat germ vaccines are a problem

DrunkIrishman July 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I'd take the quiz, but I fear it'd be traced back to me and Romney would force me into a Chinese sweatshop to knit those little cosies for Ann's insane antique teapot collection.

arcadesproject July 19, 2012 at 4:36 pm

oh man would I love to see an insane teapot. and i'd walk a mile to see a whole collection of insane teapots. (love your handle, DI)

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

$374,000 is not that much money, frankly. I know people who owe at LEAST that much on their mortgages and their homes aren't even worth it!

weejee July 19, 2012 at 4:11 pm

And not everything that is underwater is located in the Northwest.

SoBeach July 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I know people who owe at LEAST that much on their mortgages and their homes aren't even worth it!

Thanks for the punch in the gut reminder of why I'm such an ill-tempered bastard most of the time.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm
sezme July 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I heard he wrote off $56,000 in Dapper Dan last year.

Dr_Zoidberg July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

No FOP for him, damnit!

Puffperney July 19, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Well, ain't this place a geological oddity?

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Damned chifforobe.

shortsandpants July 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Please live forever.

bumfug July 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm

This is what Mitt doesn't get and never will – the "Real Americans" he's always yammering about have hated privileged, smirking douchebags like him since they were old enough to walk.

justkillmenow July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Sadly, they all think they will one day be just like him.

DemmeFatale July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

But he's white.

UnholyMoses July 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

And yet millions will vote for him, and do so out of spite for teh gayz, the blahs, the poorz*, messicans, women, and health care for all.

(* Yes, many will also be poor. But poor white folks aren't the same as those of more … shall we type, "dusky hues.")

Puffperney July 19, 2012 at 11:47 pm

…and that sir, is the problem.

mayor_quimby July 19, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Yeah, you always wanted to beat up the kid who had all the toys, would never share, even if he wasn't using them.
No joke, in pre-school I had a kid throw a dump truck over a fence so I couldn't play with it, he didn't even want it, just soI didn't get to use it.

ChuckieJesus July 20, 2012 at 10:34 am

I remember being in a hospital waiting to get seen about my strep throat, watching as this kid (who, incidentally, looked like Tripp Palin) put cartoons on the television (a box set in the corner, this was years ago) and stood in front of it with his arms outspread.

In short, fuck those little assholes!

Schmannnity July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Shit. Romney's already on the $250,000,000 bill.

edgydrifter July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm sure several Supreme Court justices would agree that mocking Romneys is subject to reasonable 1st Amendment time and place restrictions, specifically never and nowhere.

OurDailyBread July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

And 2nd Amendment remedies.

weejee July 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

For the Justices or the mockers?

arcadesproject July 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

i think maybe if you applied for a permit and entered into a negotiation with some official or other you might be allowed to mock Romneys between 10 AM and 2 PM on every 5th Wednesday of every month. maybe.

Dr_Zoidberg July 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Beat them, but not with the good whips. The old whips, made of leather and sweatshop workers' tears, will do just fine.

Beowoof July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

As I mentioned in an earlier post, if Mitt gets elected, I am pretty sure these plans will be big sellers.

Puffperney July 19, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Aux armes, citoyens!

chascates July 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And to think 150 years ago his forefathers had to flee to Utah for their lives!

Crank_Tango July 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You spelled wives wrong.

chascates July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

You know, any guy who would want to deal with more than one wife is just fucking nuts.

Puffperney July 19, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Smith himself was too smart for that. He mostly had other peoples wives and daughters as "celestial marriages", which, apparently, did not apply in any civil law way, just bedroom time.

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That's what happens in Utah when you advocate for liberal marriage laws.

GorzoTheMighty July 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Nice picture to hang in post office. Not as the president but as " Wanted Dead or Alive for tax evasion".

sbj1964 July 19, 2012 at 4:11 pm

To the Mittens of this world "Membership has it's privileges"He has everything,and now wants us to give him more.Like it's his birth rite to rule over us muggles!He is like "Look at me I'm successful".You should worship me as your GOD! "That I will become when I die ,and go to Mormon Heaven."

Estproph July 19, 2012 at 4:12 pm

How long before Romney just says screw it and buys the election outright?

SexySmurf July 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

One of the questions is, "You're reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl. Are the trees the right height?"

doloras July 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Let me tell you about my car elevator. *bang* *bang* *bang*

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Oh, pissboy!

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

If you took advantage of the IRS amnesty program in 2009 for fraudulent nondisclosure of offshore income, you might be a R'money.

el_donaldo July 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I keep reading that as AnalRomney.

UnholyMoses July 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Good to see one can be an asshole, yet still not a Romney.

I need to go ask for a really big raise. brb

Billmatic July 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm

All the gold
all the guns
in the world
get you off

is it ever gonna be enough??

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm

The world is not enough.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Awww, new music! How cool.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

It almost seems like the great Dylan was writing about Mitt and Ann Romney when he wrote, "I can live on rice and beans; Some people never worked a day in their life, Don't know what work even means." But since Modern Times came out in 2006 he was probably thinking of another born rich plutocrat turned politician, and that one turned out so well for America.

ttommyunger July 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping."
"What do you mean, I'm not helping?"

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm

"Why aren't you helping?"
"The tortoise should pull itself up by its bootstraps. No free handouts."
"*You* turned the tortoise over."
"Free market at work. Are you regulating me?"

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 20, 2012 at 3:40 am

"Next let's talk about your mother. Describe for me your first memory of your mother" "I'll tell you about my money, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!" "Governor, he was asking about your mother, not your money!" "You want to know about my money too?" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! "Nobody fucks with my money"

Bladerunner 2: 'Retire' the Romneys

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Willard and Ayn Romney will not put up with this crap once they are in the White House that they deserve, you people.

BTW, I took the quiz. I didn't make the cut. I shall die poor, without so much as a Cayman Island account.

Hammiepants July 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

If you think there is some sort of discernable difference between offshoring and outsourcing, you might be a Romney.

LastGasp July 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Of all the bizarre things — I type <a href="http://www.amiaromney.com” target=”_blank”>www.amiaromney.com into my web browser and my Internet service provider gives me an error page, as if the domain didn't exist. I had to use a proxy server to get to the website.

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Our condolences. Based on your responses we have determined that you are not a Romney. We recommend that you take immediate steps to enter the top 1% income bracket (or at least the top 20%) as soon as possible to avoid tax increases and reap the full benefits of a potential Romney presidency.

Time to stop goofing around on Wonkette and get back to work…

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm

If your 2010 tax return shows you gave the Mormon Church $4.1 million – you might be a R'money, but you might not be that popular with the voters…

owhatever July 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And $77,000 ain't much to pay for a horsie that bounces up and down and gives Ann pleasure in the saddle.

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

That horse dances like Fred Astaire. Why do you hate Fred Astaire?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 19, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Because he was a right-wing asshat?

Maman July 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Uh oh. I do have relatives in Luxembourg who might have bank accounts. Does this make me a Romney?

OldWhiteLies July 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Not an Rmoney? No? Hmmm.

Well then. Take our next ARE YOU A challenge:

If you barely make the rent each month for a ramshackle apartment on the 5th floor in a 130 year old building that hasn't had a working elevator since the Eisenhower administration; if your aging diabetic widowed mother lives with you and hovers near death constantly because her medication and testing supplies sometimes stand in the way of you all eating; if your recently graduated from high-school son and your husband both have no job prospects whatsoever; if all of that is true and you still insist on voting for the candidate whom would mercilessly crush you under heel and simply throw away the shoes as spoiled afterward; well then you might be instead …

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I am a Romney! Actually I'm not. I lied on a lot of the answers. I guess I am a Romney after all.

shortsandpants July 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

"I am a Romney."

With the amount of wives those folks have stashed away, I wouldn't be surprised to be admitting that some day.

didgen July 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I am not a Romney, but my views have now changed so I am a Romney, but no my views have now changed so I am….

Fox n Fiends July 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Lord Romneyton of Mormonia hath begot and begot and begot until the yachts are full of Romneytons and not You People.

HarryButtle July 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Today we are all Romneys.

littlebigdaddy July 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

God, let these people keep talking! Every interview is another nail in the coffin of the Rmoney campaign. And the GOP will be on life support after this!

mr bojangles July 19, 2012 at 11:43 pm

the next one, 'are you a pawlenty' should be just as challenging.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 20, 2012 at 3:46 am

Do you like Mayonaise and white bread sandwiches? Does your music playlist consist of Pat Boone's greatest hits? Do people spontaneously commit suicide when you stop to talk to them? Is your favorite 'sweet treat' plain iced milk? Does MITT ROMNEY find you excruciatingly boring? Answer yes to all five and you are indeed a Pawlenty.

Carrabuda July 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"You people" will probably vote for "that one." Hmmph!

12X34X July 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Winston and Bitsy.
I love you for that.

Lascauxcaveman July 19, 2012 at 5:52 pm

And not only that, not one BUT TWO, Yakima Predator bike racks on top of my elitist made-in-America Japanese luxury car. (1993 Subaru)

Fifty bucks well spent. I tell you man, top quality is worth throwing around a little extra at the local garage sales. Mitt understands this, too.

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