noah perfected the leveraged buyout

Scott Walker’s Got This Whole ‘You Didn’t Build That’ Uproar Figured Out

Scott Walker, in better timesBarack Obama’s “somebody else made that happen” speech last week — in which he essentially said that government helps create the conditions for markets to thrive — has now, in the hands of Mitt Romney, been molded into this much grander thing: “To say what he said is to say that Steve Jobs didn’t build Apple Computer or that Bill Gates didn’t build Microsoft or that Henry Ford didn’t build Ford Motor Company or that Ray Croc didn’t build McDonald’s or that Papa John’s didn’t build Papa John’s Pizza.” If one of those things doesn’t look like the others, well, look, Papa John’s throws a good fundraiser. But the point stands: Obama thinks some DoT bureaucrat built the computers and hamburgers because he hates the private sector. Is that it? Let’s let Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker explain this with a more lucid comparison to Noah, a character from the novel The Bible.

There are several hundred great responses to this on the Twitter, but Josh Barro’s “The ark was never built” about takes care of it. Oh, what’s that, angry responder, you heard about a piece of wood discovered at Mount Ararat, and you think that that is from Noah’s animal boat? That was mostly just a piece of wood. In any event, we’re glad to hear that the principled Scott Walker won’t be offering a dime in government resources for disaster preparedness and response.

Wait, we’re wrong! Noah’s Ark actually was built… thanks to massive tax breaks offered by the Kentucky state government. Noah knew how to hustle local governments in a race-to-the-bottom tax competition, alright. He was our greatest American.

[Scott Walker, image via tipster “that guy”]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. mrpuma2u

      Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.

      He was also a tree hugging "save the animals" tree hugging hippie socialist, had to double up cuz of above cut and pasted text.

  1. Come here a minute

    You probably weren't aware that Papa John single-handedly built every inch of road that his delivery drivers drive upon.

          1. Biff

            Papa John had that ad campaign a few years back, trying to find the Camaro he sold to finance his first store.

            Sounded like a crock to me, too.

        1. johnnymeatworth

          I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair;
          And I didn't get arrested, because my dad's the mayor.
          Doughnuts on your lawn
          Tony Orlando and Dawn

    1. sullivanst

      Also, invented the currency you use to purchase pizzas, which he then uses to purchase ingredients and pay employees (and hookers).

      He also hand-wired the phones you use to call in your order.

      1. PsycWench

        Don't forget that he developed the shipping methods necessary to stock all of his stores and the preservation methods to keep that tomato sauce and cheese "fresh" during shipping. I'm pretty sure one of those chemicals at the end of the ingredients lists on canned food is named after him.

        1. sullivanst

          He also founded the independent agency which tests both his ingredients and his end-products so that customers can be confident they won't get sick from eating his pizzas. He went to great lengths that farmers would have sufficient confidence that they'd be able to cover their costs that they'd go ahead and grow stuff. Moreover, he personally discovered and drilled the oil needed to fuel the delivery vehicles both for ingredients and pizzas (and also necessary to get his employees to the kitchen).

          Busy man, that Papa John.

    2. HoytClagwell

      He also ran telephone lines from his stores to the homes of each and every potential customer so they could order their pizzas.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Notice how the authors of the fucking bible couldn't have been bothered to even give them names?

          Edit: Apostrophe fail

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Child labor, if I'm not mistaken. The story really is a conservative's wet dream!

      1. sullivanst

        Golf clap. Nicely done.

        Looks like maybe t3h Jewz are in slight disagreement with the 'vangies over how to interpret that ;)

  2. Tundra Grifter

    When Henry Ford started building cars, we were essential an agrian society. The majority of people lived and worked on farms.

    And, as Old Henry pointed out, you can't fix a dead horse with a wrench.

    With the advent of the automobile working people could afford, the government began to build roads and bridges. A tractor is helpful on a farm, but a car or truck won't do you a whole heck of a lot of good unless you have roads to drive on.

    Gov. Huey Long in Louisiana realized the economy couldn't improve until farmers could bring their produce to market, and he began building bridges (lots and lots of rivers and swamps in LA) to make that possible.

    Ray Kroc wouldn't have sold hamburgers from restaurants off the freeways unless there were freeways.

    1. actor212

      He could have retroactively built the McDonald's in anticipation of freeways!

      If, you know, he could borrow Obama's time machine.

    2. sezme

      And Mittens wouldn't have built all his money were it not for the Swiss Financial Market Supervisory Authority, a government body which regulates all banks in Switzerland.

      1. iburl

        Not to mention the government police officers that protected him when he sent thousands of hard working Americans' jobs overseas.

    1. Urban_Achiever

      EXACTLY THIS–uhhh, Scott? Hate to break it to you, but you ARE the government

      1. Boojum

        Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.

        You just harshed my s-word-isms.

  3. BloviateMe

    Strange argument. Praise the ark that was built, but ignore the fact the god he adores destroyed the world in the process. I'm guessing he's logicing that two free market economies were also on the ark.

    1. Biff

      That helps explain the story my dad told me that one time:
      "When two corporations love each other very much…"

  4. Crank_Tango

    Imagine if we needed the government to defeat the Nazis–we might all be speaking German right now!

    1. CrunchyKnee

      So true. And what if the government was in charge of protecting us from all that scary TERROR???!!!???

  5. SorosBot

    All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what has the government ever done for us?

    1. SoBeach

      Regulated financial firms and equity markets to protect investors from fraud and ensure efficient access to capital markets?

      Heh heh. Just kidding about that one.

  6. Callyson

    OK, let's have some fun:

    Imagine if Noah had needed financing from Wall Street to build that ark…

    1. actor212

      The animals would all have been bundled into collateralized commodities contracts and some poor sucker would have been stuck with a herd of free range spiders for slaughter.

    2. va_real

      Well, if I remember my bible stories, all of Noah's neighbors thought he was a wacko & laughed at his ark-building feats. By the time they wanted in on the ark, it was a bit late… Noah wasn't one of the 1% before the flood…

    3. SorosBot

      Just look at how much effort Wall Street is putting into combating the real-world non-fantasy threat of global warming and resultant rising sea levels.

    4. lulzmonger

      "As the waters did wax terrible high with the wrath of GOD, Noah looked out, & behold! Deputies did verily evict Noah from his own Ark, as it had come to pass that the Angel of the LORD had robosigned that shit out from under the old coot before he knew what hit him."

  7. prommie

    Regarding Bill Gates, it has been observed that when you have a trust fund, from the beginning of your life, that will ensure you would never have to work to be assured the basic necessities of life, it makes it a lot easier for you to maybe take some chances and shoot for the moon. Whereas if your born with nothing and even though you excel you leave college with less than nothing, you start life at 22 with nothing but enormous debt, well, paycheck to paycheck doesn't leave much room for risk-taking.

    1. IncenseDebate

      So do you think the 1 percent like those non-risk taking employees who need to pay back all those loans working in the businesses they are building all by themselves?_

    2. SorosBot

      Why don't those people who were born with nothing just borrow $20,000 from their parents to start a business?

    3. FakaktaSouth

      Yes, if you are Bill Gates, you have the 5000 dollars to pay the person who wrote DOS to turn in for your project that will ultimately ensure you may become a bazillionaire. Otherwise, you're just failing your computer class or wishing you had the cash to take one.

      1. prommie

        Or if you are Jobs you hire all the people let go by Xerox PARC who had developed a Xerox version of windows 10 years before windows. Then you let them reinvent for you what they had already invented on Xerox's dime. True story, in 1989 I worked at a firm that had that old Xerox system, it was fucking unreal.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          and then Jobs turns around and claims Gates had stolen what became windows too – see? ya gotta have that extra "something" to be a competitive elite rich person. Something really bad.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Hell I got all the yiddish terms for being a go-getter you need, I'm just missing the lack of ethics and ability to take credit for someone else's smarts. That's the extra.

          2. prommie

            They should call those special qualities "the Trump quotient." To get that rich, you have to have a high TQ.

        2. Generation[redacted]

          If you are Jobs you befriend Wozniak and convince him to let you sell his computer.

      1. sullivanst


        The wealth Bill leveraged to turn Microsoft into a success was available to him at least in part because his father attended a State university with GI Bill subsidies. Clearly, the government had nothing to do with it!

  8. Mumbletypeg

    Walker, your llama- kissin' pill gobblin' neighboring state loonybird Bachmann would like to add that without government help, bodacious family-fulls of foster kiddies might've never been built either~

    1. actor212

      There was green alligators, and long necked g'afes, some humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats, some rats, some elephants, but Lordy so forlorn, Noah forgot the unicorns…

  9. SorosBot

    And imagine if Emperor Palpanine had needed help from the government to build the Death Star. It might never have been built.

    1. IonaTrailer

      Or Vessel Assist when the ark started to sink.

      Or GPS in the Auto-Pilot so he could go below and bone Mrs. Noah while still staying on course.

  10. upthruster

    Imagine if Noah's ark was foreclosed on because God needed the funds to leverage a buyout of..oh let's say Antarctica. We might not have……..of for f@*k sake!

  11. CthuNHu

    Imagine if Republican children had to depend on government schools to think, instead of being home-schooled by their marmots and puppets. They might have learned.

  12. IncenseDebate

    So do you think the 1 percent like those non-risk taking employees who need to pay back all those loans working in the businesses they are building all by themselves?

    1. prommie

      The best employees are the ones struggling just to keep up with their debt, don't you think? The desperate ones who will take all the shit you give them because they NEEEED that job so bad. They're the ones who will run in that gerbil wheel till they drop and half of all they make goes to the finance industry that financed their car and house and I-pad and jetski and education and handles their 401-K and insures them.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Imagine the world being repopulated by people who can only take money and turn it into more money…hmm. that might make a good book, and a great laugh.

    2. edgydrifter

      Private industry building the arc would explain why leeches and mosquitoes were saved but unicorns weren't.

  13. RadioSlut

    Obama clearly had read and digested "Winner Take All Politics." A great book that dismantles the whole individual/cowboy myth that pervades the American psyche. Fuck these clowns. We are social beings and for our entire existence government has set the stage for any and all economic enterprise.

  14. SorosBot

    I do love when fundie morons bring up the Noah myth, because it is the most ridiculous of the myths in the Bible; even more so than the story of Adam and Eve, or the Exodus, or that guy being born of a virgin and later raising from the dead; it is completely preposterous, there is no way anyone with an ounce of sense can believe it really literally happened, from the impossible logistics of getting two of every species onto a boat to the idiocy of every animal, including us, being descended from just one pair, and thus the product of generations of incest, it is so totally stupid that you know anyone who believes it over the age of five is an utter moron.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      No problem. For a pledge of just $1,000,000, you can help us build an interplanetary ark and secure your first class reservation. Free toaster to the first 50 contributors.

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    Imagine if the private sector had built the Bomb. Who would be the world's superpower now?

  16. JackDempsey1

    OK, so let's concede that some of the more nuanced Old Testament stories are untweetable.
    Snk=S8n, Eve totally newd now. Apl not delish, mayB only icon for intrtubes.

  17. wondering where i am

    Man the Facebook pages! The doctored Obama quote is going viral:

    "Let me tell you something. If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that." they quote the Bamz.

    Of course he did not say that. He was talking about bridges and roads. The lady who owns the knick knack store on suburban main street, did not build no roads, even though she is that most sainted of beings, the small-business owner

  18. IonaTrailer

    Yeah, fuck the guv'mint. We can all do our own air traffic control, interstate highway construction and meat inspection.

    The man's got his foot on our necks with all those pharmaceutical standards and restaurant inspections.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Air traffic control is a scam! There's so much room up there, we don't need no government bureaucrats telling us where to fly!

  19. Jus_Wonderin

    I am really speechless today. All I can manage is to say I want to slap some of these fools repeatedly.

  20. Billmatic

    That Romney quote is very revealing, this whole debate is. The knee jerk response is to say "Why, that's hogwash!" but then you start to think about it…

    I don't even think it should be limited to "the government," everyone's success is built on by a community, not the iron will of the free individual as per Rand, who sucks.

  21. Oblios_Cap

    Oddly enough, nowhere in my copy of the bible does it say that god is Jewish. Just that he made man in his image.

  22. GorzoTheMighty

    Caesar built Litttle Caesars. Not like this guy Caesar had any connection to the Guberment or the Appian way.

  23. Extemporanus

    About an hour ago, Romney was giving a little spin & grin at some grease monkey widget warehouse or something. Every hoary sentence out of his whorey mouth — I repeat (without hyperbole) every fucking sentence — was a lie, deliberate misquote, dodge, dog whistle, or some other bad thing that starts with 'd'.

    The only thing that kept me from just cold bludgeoning myself to death with the nearest available object (3 lives left, little Fabienne!) was the fact that there were two blue collar-y dudes — one older and white, the other middle aged and black — standing directly behind him who appeared to be doing everything in their power to keep from laughing their damn asses off at the oily, animatronic asshole eating into their lunch break.

      1. Extemporanus

        You didn't know? Romney owns a five unit team of robots that toss his salad.

        I believe that Tagg-2000 was the one on duty today.

          1. Extemporanus

            And an exciting sporting event held at the Salt Lake City Olympics.

            (Oh, by the way, were you aware that I told everyone last weekend that you laid a guy out at the meet-up — one punch! didn't spill your drink! blood everywhere — because they tried to cop a feel on MissTaken?

            You're welcome.)

  24. mavenmaven

    Hey, Scott, the ark of the covenant and the Temple was created with mandatory tax dollars levied on all, including the wealthy.

  25. Fox n Fiends

    Imagine if Scott Walker built the Ark. It would be the first real job he's ever had.

  26. Hammiepants

    C'mon, a book that says snakes talk, people turn into salt pillars and this dude who's allegedly the son of god can walk on water but can't save his own ass from being nailed to a cross must be legit, right?

  27. bureaucrap

    Actually the Noah analogy is just right for Republicans — "I've got MY Yacht; the rest of you can all drown in the ocean for all I care."

  28. kissawookiee

    It truly is a good thing that Noah's Ark didn't actually get built, because if you check the specs (and the mockup rendered in painstaking detail by the Kentucky museum), you'll notice that sucker would roll like a log in a lumberjack contest (or a turd in a poorly evacuated toilet). But if there had been a Noah and a government in charge of issuing permits back in the day, the guy with the rubber stamp would've taken one look at the blueprint, rolled his eyes, and told Noah to either find an actual engineer or pound sand.

  29. MissTaken

    Imagine if Ronald Reagan worked for the government. Our country would still be suffering the effects.

  30. Estproph

    And look at that Tower of Babel! Typical government project. Complete failure, and no one can figure out what anyone means!

  31. Antispandex

    "The spirits of all the things about to be created were also in the Hogahn with the gods and the chiefs. All the corn and all the seeds were brought by the Yeh gods at Begochiddy’s request. Hashjeshjin brought all the stars, the Sun, the Moon, and all the Light, and the other people brought the rest of the things that were to be on this world. They were all in the Hogahn."

    If we are going to take creation myths as literally true, I prefer those of the Navaho. Now, if we are talking metaphorically, of course, I prefer the ones I grew up on.

    1. SorosBot

      I like the Egyptian creation myth, where the primordial god Atum masturbated and his spunk became the gods who created the world.

      1. Antispandex

        Yeah, it has some limited appeal, but then you start thinking about not only being created by a jizz god, but then thinking about your parents "doing it" (and eww, that's gross even if your parents are Brad and Angie)….I don't know. Creating the stars with your shot might be cool though.

  32. HippieEsq

    Dear Governor Walker:

    When I send the next flood, you're not Noah.

    Love and Peace.

  33. MissTaken

    Because nothing says 'America, Fuck Yeah!' like a missile being ridden by a teddy bear.

  34. BaldarTFlagass

    Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly

    OT, but I just got my first one of these.

    This is why I stopped visiting Huffpost.

    1. sullivanst

      HuffPo does that to you if you're thinking bad thoughts. Wonket does it if you're not, which is why it's rare.

  35. lulzmonger

    Whoa … Scott Walker just straight-up told Wisconsin the remainder of his term will focus on Screwin' Teh Pooch on their dime.


  36. RedneckMuslin

    The Mississppi River flooded and Noah built the St Louis Ark to get to safety, Geez, get it right.

    1. PubOption

      He would have had trouble getting an elephant into one of those little elevator cars.

  37. valthemus

    I'm trying really hard to avoid slipping into a why-does-anyone-take-the-GOP-seriously laughing fit. They are hell on my productivity.

  38. barto

    HaHa, imagine if Noah's ark HAD been built – we'd all be related to Scott Walker! GAHHHHHH!.!.!.!.!

  39. IonaTrailer

    Oh, and did I mention that we need guv'mints to keep drugs illegal so private companies can imprison th browns?

  40. Generation[redacted]

    If the Ark hadn't been built, Indiana Jones would just be cold wasting the university's money with all his globe-trotting.

  41. homotownrecords

    that theme park looks pretty cool, the old testament will really impress the kids.

  42. iburl

    Imagine if our government was populated by idiots who believed that Noah's Ark was a real thing…. oh, never mind.

  43. smitallica

    What's funny about this "You didn't build that" meme is that because right-wingers see it in the right-wing media they watch, they think it's catching on and the whole country is talking about Obama's big gaffe.

    Guess what, assholes. Nobody outside your echo chamber gives a flying fuck. And your guy is still gonna lose.

  44. Aridzona

    The next time you refer to The Bible as a novel, at least have the decency to call it an epic novel. Thank you.

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