QUEEN OF MEAN  1:00 pm July 19, 2012

Ann Romney’s Metamorphosis Into Leona Helmsley Almost Complete

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Ann RomneyAs Ann Romney awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a monstrous vermin (she was Leona Helmsley). She lay on her fur-stole-wrapped back and saw, as she lifted her head up a little, numerous bags of golden coins, which she had not given to the IRS, flickered helplessly before her eyes.

‘What’s happened to me,’ she thought. It was no dream.

Her room, a proper room for a human being, only gigantically huge and with a car elevator and a horse for some stupid reason, lay quietly between the four well-known walls. Above the table, on which an unpacked collection of boxes of Shake & Bake and Stove Top Stuffing was spread out (Romney was a mom to four grown men) hung the picture which she had cut out of an illustrated magazine a little while ago and set in a pretty gilt frame. It was a picture of a woman with a fur hat and a fur boa. She sat erect there, lifting up in the direction of the viewer a solid fur muff into which her entire forearm disappeared. She was Leona Helmsley, the Queen of Mean, and as Romney looked down at her own self, she saw there was no difference.

“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes,” she heard Leona Helmsley say, and as she heard the words they came out of her mouth too. “We’ve given all you people need to know,” she added, just to make it shittier. Then she went to jail for tax evasion, forever and ever, and everyone hated her for the rest of her life.

The End.

[HuffPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 251 comments }

nounverb911 July 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I bet $10,000 that she owes money to the republic of Mormonistan.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I heard that you don't fuck around with those Mormonista enforcers.

ChernobylSoup July 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Oh, Ann. You gotta get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

tbogg July 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

C-word or GTFO

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Curmudgeonly fits?

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

CashIsKing?

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

She's a cucking funt.

(Is that the C-word? Do I win something?)

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Well, I'm certainly satisfied with that answer.

weejee July 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

She seriously took one for the team there.

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Well, I hope that was an approved response, because I don't know if Mitt was raised in a home where it was considered bad form to tell the "little woman" to shut the hell up. Or, you know, show her your pimp hand….or whatever the Mormon equivalent is.

tiredalways July 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

The number of times Ann & Mitt have said ' You People' is horrifying. Obama campaign should find all such clippings and they should be played back to back till they bleed. (by votes, of course)

nonbeliever7 July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

You people can be soooooh….. uncivilized.

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Only you people would suggest such a thing.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

"You the people of the United States
In order to be endured by
We your betters and leaders,
Hereby ordain that you people shut up!"

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If it's possible, Ann seems even more clueless and out-of-touch than her husband, and she can't seem to even try to hide her contempt for the middle and lower class.

MissTaken July 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Oh, she is far more clueless than Mitt. Remember, she has never worked a day outside of the house so she has no idea what it's like to crawl out of bed well before dawn, commute, and then spend the next 8+ hours getting bitched at by one of 8 bosses about TPS reports.

She really thinks life is just waking up whenever the little birds outside chirp, getting her hair and makeup done, and then spend the rest of the day playing with her pretty horses and telling the family chef what to cook for dinner while waiting for her children to come home from school (so they can spend the evening with their nanny) and her husband from work so she can bitch to him about how 'hard it is to be a mother'.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

She has absolutely no clue what life is like for normal people, and she thinks that being born into wealth and then marrying a rich guy somehow makes her better than the rest of us. She truly is a nasty, horrible person, and proves it more and more each time she opens her mouth.

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Oh they are going to make a lovely first couple, aren't they?

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Remember when Barbara Bush the elder said of Katrina survivors, "Almost everyone I've talked to said we're going to move to Houston. What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by all the hospitality. And so many of the peoples in the arena here, you know, they're underprivileged anyway, so this–this is working very well for them." ? Ann Romney makes her look downright empathetic.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

"…so she can bitch to him about how 'hard it is to be a mother'." Oh, she's a mother all right! I believe it is often spelled mutha.

Terry July 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Ann has spent her life in a bubble, first growing up among the auto industry elite then in Mitt's world of GOP politics and financial circles.

She has absolutely zero experience with the world most Americans live in and doesn't have the sense to realize it.

YasserArraFeck July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If Ann had realized at the start how much glad-handing of the Hoi Polloi and general mingling with the non-horsey set this whole campaigning thing involved, she would have encouraged Mittens to simply buy his own country to rule, and have done with it.

UnholyMoses July 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

They can have Kansas.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Throw in South Carolina, Texas, or Florida and it's a deal. She can ride her horses until her ass falls off and not see any of you people.

Self-Uploader July 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

No, she's too whiny and entitled for that and her twisted sense of fairness wouldn't allo for it, after all "it's Mitt's turn."

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Well, he'll have his turn soon- the rotisserie spit is just about ready…

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"she would have encouraged Mittens to simply buy his own country to rule"

Well, isn't that what he's trying to do?

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Karl Rove is buying it. Mitt is just managing the private equity leveraging.

Terry July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Running their own country would be fabulous training for running the family's planet in the afterlife.

bonghitforjesus July 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Well, when they die Mormon patriarch Mitt will get his own planet to rule..

Veritas78 July 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Antigua's available, now that Sir Allen Stanford has been convicted.

ibwilliamsi August 30, 2012 at 10:05 pm

But she can be First Lady AND the head of FEMA…

deleted2609889 July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year.

Ann, I give somewhere between 15 and 28 percent of my income to the US gubmint every year for the same reason.

FEAR!!!

weejee July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Need moar off-shore accounts, capital gains, and moving the losses, so you can get that under 14% like Mittens.

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Well, if you keep operating at a loss every year, there’s nothing to give, is there?

OneDollarJuana July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

You get more from your gov't than you do from church, too. Like firemen. Can't imagine a bunch of bishops running over to put out a kitchen fire.

Tangled sin tax July 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

On the other hand, they're great at polishing.

Maman July 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

And only the church. Anything else and the Mittens takes a "Fuck You" attitude

ibwilliamsi August 30, 2012 at 10:06 pm

They act as though other religions don't tithe. Somehow everyone else pays 25% – 35% in taxes, AND manages to tithe 10%.

hagajim July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

What a sweet story….too bad that ain't gonna happen.

ChernobylSoup July 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Imagine how many times she said to her children as they were growing up: "we don't do that."

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

""He’s a very generous person. We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year."

How does that make him generous? That's following the rules of the Mormon church, and it would be generous to give that money to organizations that actually do some good in the world instead.

iburl July 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Being a mega-millionaire who only gives the bare expected minimum amount to his cult religion. What a generous, wonderful, tax-evading person.

chicken_thief July 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

In Annland doing the minimum = being generous.

NotMother July 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

wonkette pop quiz: who's the bigger stiff when tip time comes for the bell hops and waitresses, Ann or Sarah?

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

All of them Katie.

chicken_thief July 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Wasn't Todd rumored to stiff service providers with a small tip, too? Also?

OneDollarJuana July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

But the Mormons are doing good. They support the Boy Scouts most generously in their fight against raging homos.

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

And they baptized my heathen Jewish relatives who died in Terenstadt.

Until I threatened them with a lawsuit… and they un-baptized them.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

And if wasn't for them two men or two women might still be able to marry in California today!

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Don't remind us…

DemmeFatale July 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Yeah, that was a shrewd P.R. move there, Mormons.

(My favorite sign at an anti prop. 8 rally: "But, I only want ONE wife!")

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

My favorite quote about that is:

If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

We really don't know how much he gives. They lie so much that I doubt he gives anything.

bobbert July 19, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh, I think we can be pretty sure he gives 10% to the LSD Church. They pay attention to that shit.

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

LSD = LOL!! I find myself involuntarily typing "Moron" church.

ibwilliamsi August 30, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Amen.

Eve8Apples July 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

“We’ve given all you people need to know.”

I'm gonna try that line with the IRS next April.

BoroPrimorac July 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Or, "That's not for people like us."

Rosie_Scenario July 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

The mother of "four grown men?" What have you done with Tagg??!!??

nounverb911 July 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

He's up on the roof of the car with Seamus.

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Tagg is off playing with Tr*gg.

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Heurer you talking about?

nounverb911 July 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"a solid fur muff into which her entire forearm disappeared."
I thought Wonkette was safe for work.

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No shit. Fisting reference FTW!

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Oh goddamn it, I thought I looked high and low to make sure nobody else was on this!!

Limeylizzie July 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

OK, that is the first real, out loud, snorting laugh I have had in days.

starfanglednut July 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

How is Mr Limeylizzie doing today?

Limeylizzie July 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

He just called, they have released him form hospital and he sounds wonderful, was just going to have lunch with one of his daughters and then home. He was anxious to see our cats!

Blueb4sunrise July 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Literature!!!!!!!!!!!

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Yes, well just wait until Rebecca gets around to a retelling of "The Hunger Artist," starring the rest of us.

Texan_Bulldog July 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"and everyone hated her for the rest of her life." Well, that part is definitely right on.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Mmm, I like cake. Thanks, Mrs Anromnette!

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

omg, Rebecca. You’ve become Ann Rice of the Wonkets with your vampire/romance/horror novel intro.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

That was Ann Rice? I thought it was Kafka???

bureaucrap July 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Kafka, with a little soupcon of George Orwell thrown in for flavoring.

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I don't know…what's the complete opposite of Ayn Rand? I believe she's that.

i_AM_ready July 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

the interviewer was pretty great:

Ann Romney: We give all our money to charity!
Interviewer: Why not show that then?
Ann Romney: homina homina homina homina…

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"we've given all you people need to know"

Waitaminute, was the interviewer a blah person?

crittersbybritty July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yes it was Robin ROberts

nonbeliever7 July 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You people can be so touchy about these things.

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Or in the immortal translation by John McCain: "That one."

JustPixelz July 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I would take her more seriously if she also said "And Obama has given you people all you need about his past. So shut the fuck up Sununu, Arpaio, Trump, Bachmann, Palin, Limbaugh…."

BarackMyWorld July 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I know I can't be the only one who enjoyed the montage of Republican pundits asking for every document they could think of for Barack Obama.

(To the fuckers credit, though, a lot of conservatives have been saying Mitt should release them.)

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Just the ones who already hated his sorry white ass.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

And that narrows down the pool how?

BarackMyWorld July 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Whoops…meant to add "…on the Daily Show last night" to the first sentence.

Texan_Bulldog July 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"you people". What, was the interviewer black?

crittersbybritty July 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Yes Robin Roberts

Texan_Bulldog July 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Ooops, I don't watch morning shows. That's just delicious, though.

weejee July 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Worse, Messican & reminded Ann of Mittens' wetback father.

johnnymeatworth July 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

WHY SO SERIOUS?

Goonemeritus July 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

“We’ve given all you people need to know,”

Truer words have never been spoken; we know you have something to hide. By not following the normal convention of disclosure it has become our duty to fill in the missing data with speculation. For me I am secure in my belief that the Romney’s have paid no income tax at all by writing off the expense associated with clandestinely killing thousands of kittens.

chicken_thief July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I've heard that kittens were missing. It would be irresponsible not to question whether Mittens had something to do with it.

DemmeFatale July 19, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Yes, Goon.
Let's fill in the blanks.
Invested in ________.
Paid_____income tax.
Wrote off __________.
Charity contributions to ________.
etc…

Edit: After reading the comments, I can say that (*sniff*) I've never been prouder to be a Wonketteer (*sniff*).

Goonemeritus July 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

My best guesses are

Invested in Abortion-a-plex.
Paid -3% income taxes (he got a big refund check).
Wrote off Pinkerton charges to rough-up workers.
Charity contributions to Francisco Franco’s Library and
the Society for the encouragement of cruelty to Animals .
And of course kitten killing.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I heard that the Romneys are surreptitiously funding arms for Bashir al Assad. Why else would they hide their tax returns?

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

and a horse for some stupid reason,

Well, thanks for that – in lieu of ever thinking this is a reference to Mitt's enormous Romney, I'm going bestiality (no a, who knew?) all the way. Never thought horse fucking would be my go-to safe place brain bleach, but here we are.

and now, having read the article, I can say plainly I do not feel badly about calling Ann a horse-fucker. Yes, no one involved with their church the way Mitt has been has ever done a bad thing, nor needs to show he has lived his life with the best interest of the country in mind, or even just not being a tax-evading scumbag, but okay Ann.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

There is this particular look you can see on some women's faces, when they see a stallion with one of those brobdingnagian erections hanging all the way down to the ground, but still looking wierdly like a human dick. Its a chilling thing to see, very disturbing.

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

AHA! So THAT's the face Ann keeps making when I think she is thinking about mitt's money and how it is all truly worth it to be married to him. I seeeeeee now. Makes much more sense.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Does she look like, well, hungry? Greedy, hungry, and kinda hypnotized?

I suppose a lot of dudes would look the same if there was any animal with giganteous human-looking breasts; there would be a huge whale-watching fleet following the great white mammary whales, if there were mammary whales to watch.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Y'all are into some weird shit.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

"Do you think that is the kind of person who is trying to hide things, or do things?"

Why yes, yes I do. Even more so than if you were a non-churchy type.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Remember: religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of a scoundrel. What'cha hidin', Holy Ann?

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

"you people…"

Thanks Ann. Your condescending and superior attitude will keep this going and going. I would say she sounds like a Mob Wife, but that would be Mob Wife libel.

Don't pay, don't tell. The Romoney family motto.

ThankYouJeebus July 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

And the Mormon Church turns around and uses that money to fix roads and employ firefighters and teachers, right?

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

More likely, to fix elections.

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Or buy one as in the case of Prop 8 (anti-ghey) in CA. Fukkers!

TheGyrus July 19, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Actually, I understand that the money goes to support social programs and a strong safety net…. for Mormons only.

Urban_Achiever July 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Clearly, Ann is in the right–as that other nice lady said at the Hamptons Romney Fundraiser a few weeks ago, we little people "don't know how the system works"

Maman July 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

And we are uneducated too. and that is despite my master's degree

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And you're allowed to vote?!

Help! I need a VIP entrance!

Rainbow_Meow July 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

KAFKA-ESQUE, IT IS KAFKA-ESQUE

Gopherit July 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You proles are lucky our future Empress even bothered to address you. KISS THE RING.

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

'KISS MY RING'

Fixed.

Gopherit July 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Why would I want to kiss your ring? Unfixed.

dijetlo July 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

You're just jealous the Mittbot has an impact socket on his peen extension.
Don't ask where she puts the pneumatic hose.

schvitzatura July 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Mitt's a free-range Mecha running lukewarm. ..

Serolf_Divad July 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

CORRECTION: The original version of this article omitted the word "people" from Ann Romney's quote.

Correction: the original correction to this article suggested that Ann Romney used the term "people" in the original quote. The actual term used was: verminous untermenschen

UnholyMoses July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Now just imagine if Michelle Obama had dropped the same "you people" line.

Now try to imagine the rightwing freakthefuckout that would follow.

Yeah … no double standard a'tall.

Oh, and Teh Poorz give more money to charity — as a percentage of income — than these rich douchefaces do.

So fuck you, ya twunt.

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Yeh…. what Moses said. With bells on!

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The Romneys have never even given money to charity; they give money to their church and claim that as charity when it's not.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Amen!

Designer_Rants July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I want to hear more about the 10,000 pairs of Swiss bank accounts.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Rebecca, reading blog posts by you is really a Kafkaesque experience. I mean that as a compliment.

widestanceromance July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Duvall-icious.

Come here a minute July 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Bring on the dancing Republican wives.

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"You know, you should really look at where Mitt has led his life, and where he’s been financially," she said.

Yeah, well, that's hard to do when HE WON'T RELEASE HIS FUCKING TAXES, now isn't it?

Bitch.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Yes, but you do know that he's rich, right?

And rich people only get rich through being virtuous. And since rich people just keep getting richer simply by being virtuous (i.e., rich), that's all you people need to know.

Rainbow_Meow July 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I was just excited that I knew about a book :(. I'll keep it to myself next time.

Mojopo July 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Sometimes I come here to gloat, to snark, or to have my own opinions confirmed. And sometimes, like today, I read something that transforms a debate and reveals something much deeper.

Thanks for this.

Estproph July 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Went to the link, and along with the Goofy Bird Shirt she had the other day, my only thought was "Damn she can ugly up some clothes!"

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Gopherit July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"Give" 10% of your income to the church? Really? It's not a requirement then?

DahBoner July 19, 2012 at 3:48 pm

It's a Stupid Tax!!!

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 4:01 pm

A tax on talking to an invisible man in the sky.

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Helmsley, Helmsley, Helmsley….. where have I heard that name before?

SoBeach July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"we've given all you people need to know"

Fair enough. And anyone who isn't satisfied with what they've disclosed shouldn't vote for Romney. Works for me.

Ann Romney told ABC News she thinks the Obama campaign's attacks on her husband have been "beneath the dignity of the presidency."

Suck it up, sister. Sometimes people you consider your inferiors fight back.

bikerlaureate July 19, 2012 at 2:28 pm

And correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the most complained-about "attack" consist of an Obama campaign staffer saying only that if Rmoney lied on the SEC filings, that would be a felony?

("He is the problem" would be more problematic to me if the same (phenomenal!) ad didn't set up that punchline so thoroughly…)

SoBeach July 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The "attacks" on Romney are ALL a result of his refusal to disclose information.

They whine that Romney is unfairly accused of outsourcing jobs and bankrupting companies while at Bain. The Romney camp could easily disprove this assertion if it were false but they refuse to release details on the work Bain did.

I guess we just have to take his word for it on all this stuff. If we don't believe him we can always vote for the other guy (and get all those government handouts).

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm loving that poll on the right hand side. First Q–should Mittens release his taxes? Definitely, yes. Second Q–do you think the negative ads against Mitt Romney are believable? Yes, very.

If we had more pollsters like that, and fewer pollsters trying to make hay out of the fact that the Obama – Rommey polls do not yet show a shift away from Romney. Gee, maybe because this is the summertime and only us political junkies are paying attention? And maybe when Labor Day passes and the mushy middle sees either that Mittens *still* won't release the taxes to the American people that he released to Walnuts or that he had good reason to cover them up?

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

What negative ads against Romney?

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Crap, *please* don't tell me you live in Virginia and you haven't seen any of them?http://wonkette.com/478640/democrats-alienate-pony-loving-12-year-old-voters-with-new-horsey-ad

va_real July 19, 2012 at 8:31 pm

So sorry- snark fail! I just meant that I didn't think they were so much negative as simply truthful…

ph7 July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Ann feeds little people to her dressage horses.

12X34X July 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

And drugs.

mrblifil July 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'm imagining a Mutually Beneficial Arrangement with Ann, though I'm not quite sure I can vouch that the benefit would be entirely mutual.

ph7 July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

At least you know the hotel room will be nice.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Or the stable.

Jus_Wonderin July 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"Oh rubbish. You have no power here. Be gone before somebody drops a house on you."

schvitzatura July 19, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Can't wait for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir cover/remix of the "Winkie Chant"!

widestanceromance July 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

What she meant was, "We've given you people all we need you to know."

Seriously, girlfriend is proudly waving her C-flag today.

12X34X July 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Thank you, Wonkette. I just love happy endings.

zumpie July 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

An-Romnette, fuck you and the dancing horse you rode in on

nonbeliever7 July 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

C'mon…let's try to be subtle about this. How about ; See you next Tuesday…

You cunt.

kittensdontlie July 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

If this Hemsley analogy follows true, Seamus and his heirs will be sitting pretty, and maybe the Romney children will be the ones in a cage on the car roof. Payback is a bit… funny.

iburl July 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I think she should deliver her "you people" message to the NAACP.

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I'm thinking 'those people'…. just might boo her. Politely.

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

RANT ALERT: NO SNARK:

Everyone is saying, well, I guess Romney paid no taxes in 2009 because of loopholes and that'll upset ever his base, yada yada yada, but nobody seems to think that just maybe he's been lying his ass off on his tax returns for years. Every year his tax return is probably thicker than the Bible, and who knows what is in there. Probably the IRS doesn't even know. We read all the time about how the IRS goes after the little people looking for mistakes on their tax forms and leaves the rich alone, like they're biased in favor of the rich. As a gubmint serf, I can tell you that, especially in recent years, as gubmint is under pressure to be run like a bizness, we are given numerical standards to obtain. My annual job review is based on my completing 90% of my work items on time. Now, if I have 18 quick and easy documents to write and/or review and 2 tough ones, you know which 18 are going to get done first, and more likely, well? Do you really think the IRS even has the time to go over Romney's tax returns every year and do you think his crafty tax lawyers know that?

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I may be barking (that's why we're called prairie dogs, even though we're squirrels) up the wrong tree, but I'm betting that Mitt is terrified that if he releases his tax returns, highly-paid and experienced CPAs and tax attorneys in the employ of the Democratic Party are going to find shit that would put him in line to be Bernie Madoff's next fuck-buddy.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I suspect that's the case. Plus the whole mess with Swiss Bank Account tax evasion… might not look very good at all and kind of reinforce public feelings about raising taxes on the 1%ers.

sewollef July 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

What I don't get here is, Mittens has been in and around politics for a number of years now, and unless he's dumber than a gate post, he must've known these kind of questions would crop up if/when he ran for Pres.

And I read a story last week — from Bloomberg of all sources — that pilloried Romney about his dealings at Bain during his admitted tenure. Companies he acquired then loaded with debt who subsequently filed for bankruptcy, while he waltzed off with huge fees and bonuses.

Unless he's been living in a bus shelter for decades, he simply had to know this shit would hit the fan.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Or he could be like a lot of rich dipshits I've known and gone to school with who simply believed that it would never ever ever happen to them.

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Why do people rob banks even though they should know they'll get caught eventually?
(1) Stupid.
(2) Arrogant.

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Those in the entitlement class often overstep and stumble. Karma, do thy thing.

MissTaken July 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

That's entirely possible. I'm curious why he was willing to give McCain 20+ years of return but only 1 to the public. McCain's team must've found something really stinky, even stinkier than Snowbilly's twat.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Well she was the superior candidate!

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Yowzer!! $arah Palin was the superior candidate! What does that tell ya?

chicken_thief July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

While I'm sure Mitt's returns are full of questionable info, I think McCain made up his mind to select a woman veep and rushed into picking Palin. Plus, no one likes Romney – especially those who have run against him. I doubt he was even considered seriously enough for McCain to vet him.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Yes, but their Snowbilly "vetting" begs the question — did they even look at Mitt's returns?

bikerlaureate July 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I'm still open to the chance that the returns are pure as the driven snow, and his advisers are exercising foresight for once and letting us getting all frothy about 'em.
Except that every day Mitt and Ann try to, um, "dressage" the issue hurts their image worse with the swing voters… (Why are they unwilling to do what every other major candidate has done, hmmmm?)

Anyhooo, I'm really looking forward to widespread revelations of the Olympics bribery scandal!

shelwood46 July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Ann saying, "Because there are so many things that will be open again for more attack" tends to make me think the snow is yellow.

SoBeach July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I haven't found any betting sites giving odds on What Is Mitt Hiding but once they do the top picks will be:

* Paid no taxes at all some years, despite incomes in the low to mid 8 figures
* Charitable donations to organizations that will freak out republican voters
* Net worth in the billions instead of the hundreds of millions most suspect
* Moved hundreds of millions offshore in the past
* Sleazy tax dodges builiding up IRA and trust funds for children

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm

You think they'll find it before or after the election?

nonbeliever7 July 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Best theory I heard so far is that he received the Swiss Bank amnesty a few years back which means he admitted to illegal stuff. Now he's just biding his time to select a VP who will in fact be the Repub nominee. Has a ring of plausibility to it…

bobbert July 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I doubt that he's been lying on his tax returns, but the thing about the eleventy-million-page Internal Revenue Code is that there's about a hundred pages that applies to the 99.9%, and all the rest is specialized loopholes and money-printing shit for the very rich. I expect that a thorough analysis of Rmoney's returns would reveal vigourous use of these sections of the code during the years when he was building his fortune.

Also, there's a chance that there may be some transactions that were actually illegal according to contemporaneous IRS interpretation of the code, but which they never bothered to pursue (or simply didn't notice). In most cases, the statute of limitations will have expired, but it would still make a good story.

Basically, I think his records will show that he didn't make his fortune by "running a business", but by "jacking the system".

SaintRond July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

When I saw the photo of Mitt's wife saying "You've got all the documents you need," I actually thought of that piranha, Leona Helmsley.

The Germans have a saying about women like this and I think it's very apt. They say, "she has hair on her teeth."

Do not imagine for a moment that this couple is not disgusting enough to win the White House. They are disgusting enough and then some.

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Hey Ann, "those people" vote….so, you know.

Dashboard Buddha July 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year. "

That's all? With most churches I know of, 10% is the minimum for a tithe you cheap whore.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"You people"
Non-Mormons or the 99%?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Now I hate the Romney's a little bit more.

IncenseDebate July 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

It's sad that Ann Romney has to sit erect when Mitt can't.

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

My guess is that they don’t want the public to see the donations they’ve given to Planned Parenthood, back when he was pro-abortion. (And probly other anti-god organizations).

"Romney ran for Senator in Massachusetts as pro-choice in 1994 attended an abortion fundraiser on June 12th, and his wife Ann gave $150 to Planned Parenthood” (The Boston Globe).

Crank_Tango July 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Abortion fundraisers are the best! I remember my first abortathon so well, I was really tired at the end, and covered in fetus gunk, but it was worth it,

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

How come I never get mailings begging me to give Ameros to Crank_Tango's kids like I do Jerry Lewis's kids?

randcoolcatdaddy July 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

"He’s a very generous person."

I'm sure he tips the hired help quite nicely with shiny new quarters after the shoe shine.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Note what she said: "He's a very generous person," implying that "I'm not. You people, the breadless scum of the earth, can just eat cake for all I care." Keep talking, Ann, and bring a bigger shovel so the hole you're in can get bigger.

Billmatic July 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Between the Michelle Bachmann Newsweek cover, steampunk Sarah Palin's outrageous tits, and this mugshot of Leona Helmsley I'm not sure if I can ever fap again.

clblabin July 19, 2012 at 7:26 pm

But if we stop fapping, the Right has already won!

fartknocker July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Condescending bitch.

RadioSlut July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Gotta love Leona smirking in her mug shot.

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Really. What fool smiles in a mug shot?

Taj_Mahalo July 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Tom DeLay, IIRC.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

She exhibits the charisma of Imelda Marcos.

Mumbletypeg July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I wish your next home improvement would be a horse elevator, Ann. And that your next waking nightmare be that you are trapped in that chamber with nothing between you and the door but a big, angry, horny Lippizanner that was sired and bred to your satisfaction.

mavenmaven July 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Nightmare?

IonaTrailer July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Arlen Specter:

"Romney's changed positions more often that a pornographic movie queen"

(Bless you Arlen….)

valgal2342 July 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Ann, you people need to release your tax returns.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

WE THE YOU PEOPLE…

Dildeaux July 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

You see, Ann and mittbot are the real victims here…

IncenseDebate July 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

No comments on the solid fur muff??

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

This is a family paper. Fisting stuff is found at Tumblr and World News Daily.

Designer_Rants July 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I hope I can at least be a butler or chauffeur in a Romney presidency. Please don't make me be a bootblack or dressage horse masturbator.

Crank_Tango July 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I wonder if he conceals his income, er earnings, whatever, from the church like he does from the feds?

schvitzatura July 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Juniper Creek don't take kindly for holdin' out, Mitt…

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Ann Romney can shut the fuck up until she opens a foundation/ranch where ordinary people with physical problems can experience "dressage horse therapy" too. Hell, it's not even that altruistic, it's just the politically savvy way to score PC points and non-profit tax write-offs from your selfish pony obsession. Who in the fuck is advising these people?! Oh right, Mormons. The last great idea the Mormons had was to attach themselves like leeches to Howard Hughes and guard his money like the Fruit Of Islam.

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I think these folks are much more into strange fruit than the Fruit of Islam.

lulzmonger July 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Needs to cut a duet with the popstar wannabe whose Pop boils people alive.
Birds of a feather.

Robman2 July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Mormon church, very much a business societal model, not unlike the faith of Islam, positive, yes but on the very, very downside, quite a nihilistic ethos…

Ms. Romney, thin skin and please back off, my horse is going to compete soon, which is therapy for my condition, please salve my bruised nature now and stop bullying us about our money, don't hate me because I'm rich, hate me because I'm not like you instead…see, everything's in order now…Ta ta.

Jus_Wonderin July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Did they cut out the part where her jaw unhinged and she snarled with her rows of telescoping teeth?

zumpie July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Ironically, we should thank her snotty ass: With the dismal jobs report (though economists point out it's a seasonal thing) and one poll showing Mittens leading (by a whole point, while Obama maintains a lead in the aggregate), Willard could've, for the first time in a while, won the day's news cycle.

Not now.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

The Romneys cannot discuss or explain how giving 10% of their money to the Mormon Church is just as good as any other form of charity, because they can never, under any circumstances discuss the Mormon Church without eroding their tepid support in the Bible Belt. Enjoy that trap, Mittens! You can chew your leg all day, but you will never get away!

BlueStateLibel July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"We've give all you people need to know." Oh really? She thinks the whole matter of 10 years of missing tax returns is just going to disappear? I'm leaning now with the theory that her and Mitt had secret Swiss bank accounts that they only disclosed in their tax returns because the IRS gave people a year of amnesty if they came clean, and one of their returns shows this. The feeding frenzy has just started.

ingloriousbytch July 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year. Do you think that is the kind of person who is trying to hide things, or do things?"

I don't know. Let me ask Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Ted Haggard and Eddie Long.

Blueb4sunrise July 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Love.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Editrix, I knew Leona Helmsley. I worked with Leona Helmsley. Leona Helmsley was a friend of mine didn't devour me like a praying mantis.

Ann Romney is no Leona Helmsley.

But she's awful fucking close!

TootsStansbury July 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I didn't think it would be possible to be more of a turd than her husband

kissawookiee July 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

"you people"

Wait, I thought Mitt was running for president of White America.

not that Dewey July 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Golf clap, Rebecca. Nicely done.

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I bet $10,000 that her dressage horse inherits everything.

An_Outhouse July 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Who wants some cake?

chascates July 19, 2012 at 2:10 pm

…and the horse she rode in on.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm

She sat erect there, lifting up in the direction of the viewer a solid fur muff into which her entire forearm disappeared.

I guess I am The Dirtiest-Minded Wonk, since apparently I'm the only one desperately Swiffer-ing my mind with brain bleach.

jakegittes July 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Now that you've told us what we need to know, tell us what we really need to eat, for shelter, for clothing, for healthcare, for transportation.

"You have everything you need to eat in that bowl of gruel. You have everything you need for shelter in that cardboard box. You have everything you need in the way of clothing in that loincloth. You have everything you need for healthcare in that box of band-aids and that bottle of aspirin. You have everything you need for transportation in those two feet."

How very noblesse oblige of her to give us her mandates on what we need.

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

For their next charitable act the Romneys are going to give MREs to the people. "Only one…don't take any more than one. When these are gone there are no more."

Weenus299 July 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

"She sat erect there, lifting up in the direction of the viewer a solid fur muff into which her entire forearm disappeared."

Ban me from the site, but this is a fantastic piece of writing.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Missed this event that happened today. All I need to know is: what did her clothes cost this time?

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

You'd have to ask her personal shopper.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"Told you people all you need to know," she said to the help. "Now, where's my chocolate pie, bitches?"

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Let us henceforth resolve that the appropriate way to address the Romneys, from this moment forward, shall be, "Those People". They, after all, are not like you or me. They have climbed to a social height that we can only spit down upon. Let us do so.

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Also, too, while we're on the subject of semantics, I'd like to propose that we say "profitize" instead of "privitize." Business needs to make a profit; governments do not. Big difference.

chascates July 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Don't get her started on the nails girls.

Barrelhse July 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

If we throw an apple at her will it stick in her shell?

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

For some reason I have "La Cucaracha" running through my head.

rickmaci July 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I miss Leona. She really knew how to make the "little people" look big in comparison.

Maman July 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You People = We The People.

BoroPrimorac July 19, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I bet Romney doesn't want to release his tax returns because they may show that he's the top dog of the LDS church.

Isyaignert July 19, 2012 at 4:29 pm

She said "you people" to a black female reporter. Stay klassy Ann Rmoney.

schvitzatura July 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Ann Rmoney's efforts to fulfill the White Horse Prophecy through dressage?

Refalca (not white) or Mitt (whitey)?

If Mitt wins, will equestrian therapy be covered under Medicare/Medicaid/Rmoneycare for auto-immune diseases?

Serfville July 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Queen has Multiple Sclerosis ONLY uses "alternative medicine" (which I am sure costs millions per month & never covered under any health insurance) because of the nasty "side effects" that the poors with Multiple Sclerosis have to suffer through with nasty bad side effects insurance covered treatment. Queen owes her millions of dollars of alternative medicine treatment to her remission of MS, & I kid you not, RIDING HORSEYS put her in remission too, you see, she explains: riding horseys help with certain muscles for her MS. Then the Queen sashays around the country for many many years now, espousing the horrors of poors & everyone having socialist health care so they don't die & suffer. Yup, you got it. THE GD QUEEN OF MEAN rises again.

Serfville July 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

"She (horsey lady aka leona) initially used corticosteroids, including intravenously, and credited them with helping stop the progression of the disease. She then DROPPED them and other medications due to COUNTERPRODUCTIVE SIDE EFFECTS. She has PARTAKEN of reflexology, acupuncture, and craniosacral therapy" ~ Wiki

Oh, those pesky counterproductive side effects of socialist health insurance approved Multiple Sclerosis treatments. Lets all partake (rich horsey ladys only!) in REFLEXOLOGY, ACUPUNTURE, CRANIOSACRAL THERAPY AND RIDING HORSEYS etc.., to put all the rich lady MS patients in remission. We all know the above alternative medicine treatments above are all out of pocket and cost millions of dollars in spas and such places. The little people need not partake in the millions of dollars of alternative medicine treatments not covered by socialist health insurance to put them in remission with MS. LET 'EM EAT STEROIDS, WHILE LEONA OPTS OUT FOR MASSAGE THERAPY ETC… $200 DOLLARS PER HOUR ANYONE??? PS: Leona also wants to take any treatment for poor and other MS patients away from them, by taking away health insurance for all. I guess Leona and Ron Paul are opening up a free clinic in a town near you to treat all people with chronic diseases after they dismantle any and all health insurance in the USA.

dennis1943 July 19, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I'll comment after i catch my breath……….

io9k9s July 20, 2012 at 12:12 am

Wonkette,
I am reading this in bed, about to go sleep, and now, not only must I worry a roach might crawl across my face while I sleep- that roach might be wearing tacky ass ralph lauren suede riding pants. Fucking unbelievable!

mosjef August 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm

She has a dick.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

You've never seen that look? I'm saying, its real, and it is some wierd shit. The ladies that love them the horses, it is absolutely a sexual thing, for many.

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I will give you that I am willing to talk way too much about terrible things that make me laugh about terrible people instead of thinking about the evil shit they do, but I swear I am only mocking the ways of others, I don't honestly know what ginormous horse dicks look like, I don't care for farms.

starfanglednut July 19, 2012 at 4:20 pm

True Dat!

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

OK, I can see how the motion of horseback riding might lead to some erotic stirrings, but I have not been hiding behind a haystack with trouser-horse in hand, waiting for Betty Draper to show up all flush back at the stable. So no, I have not seen that look.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Calumny is fun! Stay away from horse farms, you don't want to see, not even from a great distance, there is no distance thats safe.

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

And a very fancy word for talking shit! God you are such a fucking lawyer.

Veritas78 July 19, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Barbara Bush also said, "I never tip, I don't believe in it." I'll bet Ann doesn't tip, either.

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