our social bettersThe problem with retail banking, see, is that even Poors can sometimes scrape enough money together to get a bank account or a loan, and then they’re all blah blah blah, you are foreclosing on my house by mistake, or blah blah blah, I will not pay your $5 fee, and then sometimes they will cause a SCENE about these trifles, and it is embarrassing for everyone. Goldman Sachs has learned from Bank of America’s experiences with Poors, and so it will be launching its retail banking arm for the exclusive use of very very rich people and also for corporations (which, fun fact, are also a type of rich person). This way, they can make sure they don’t lend to Poors and also avoid any possibility of exposure to such inconveniences as “the market,” as well as the undignified practice of “giving away free toasters” SERIOUSLY.

Via Reuters:

Goldman Sachs is building an in-house private bank to serve wealthy customers around the world as part of a cautious strategy to reshape its business, the Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday.

The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits, a source of low-cost funding less vulnerable to the vagaries of financial markets.

The new unit will also lend more directly to corporations, some of which already make investments and do business with Goldman. Bank executives have set a goal of $100 billion in loans, up from $12 billion at the end of March, the Journal said.

Goldman has no plans to open retail branches, build a network of automated teller machines, pitch credit cards or “give away toasters,” Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein told the Wall Street Journal.

Pfft. Toasters. Can you imagine anything so uncouth as TOASTERS? Or CREDIT CARDS? Debit cards and checkbooks on the other hand (which will be offered along with “loans secured by marketable securities, hedge funds, private equity funds, commercial real estate and private jets, yachts, vineyards, ranches and art collections”)—THAT’s dignified.


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    No toasters! I'm still using the blender Citibank gave me in 1980.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I still have the Casio pocket calculator that I got for opening an account at the Lincoln Savings and Loan Association back in 1975. Of course, my savings are long gone, thank you very much Charles Keating and John McCain.

    • James Michael Curley

      I'm still driving the stage coach Wells Fargo gave me in 1880.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Music to my ears.

        … Why, yes, I am Harold Hill.

  • nounverb911

    Will their first branch be in Zurich, Davos or Geneva?

  • Is that an Alien-like Mini Me bursting from her chest, or just a rat dog with no sense of style?

  • Barb

    They should all be given the G.E. Four-Slice Shower Toaster.

    • kittensdontlie

      With the optional high voltage booster setting for an instantaneous and thorough toasting…

  • Pragmatist2

    Will they use that little Monopoly guy as a logo?

  • ChernobylSoup

    I bet the tellers will be smoking hot.

    • kittensdontlie

      Tellers? The scene I imagine is an exclusive-lounge atmosphere…waitresses will take drink orders as well as bank transactions. "yes, I have a martini and a loan for my horse's new dressage attire…

  • ChernobylSoup

    I wonder if they'll have one of those things in the lobby where you dump your change and it gives you cash.

    • Yes, except it will accept bullion and stock certificates, too.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, but it will only accept gold coins, like the St Gaudens double eagle.

      • schvitzatura

        Krugerrand libel!

  • They won't give away toasters, but they will provide on-demand ball-washing.

    • SpeedoFart

      And waxing.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Back in Black, I see.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Banking only for rich clients, eh? The idea is brilliant since it pretty much guarantees that if the bank fails due to a bunch of insanely, stupidly, risky bets gone bad, everyone of these politically connected zillionaires will get bailed out at 100%.

    And since the riskiest most stupid bets are also the ones that pay out most handsomely should they –counter to all good reason and judgment– actually pay off, that pretty much guarantees that this is exactly what will happen.

    It's like going to the Belmont Stakes and betting it all on a three-legged donkey, secure in the knowledge that if you lose Uncle Sam will pick up the ticket, and if you win… oh, boy… that bet pays off at 1,000,000 to 1.

    When the fuck will we just go ahead and change our nation's motto from "E. Pluribus Unum" to "Privatize the gains, socialize the losses."

  • FakaktaSouth

    Oh thank god, the job creators will certainly set about creating, something, now? (I know, bigger bank accounts, whatever)

    Also, it is a very odd thing in life to realize you do not have whatever it is that drives people to need and want all of these crazy better-than-exclusive-i-gotta-lotta-cash-here, see? kinds of powers to show other people how very important you are. It was weird when all of a sudden I realized, wait, THIS is what you're doing all of that for? Well that is interesting, because those are the things that make me think you are an asshole. I do not fit in in the world is what I am saying, I guess. I just want people not to mess with me and I'm pretty happy.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Hey, they still need people to dust and vacuum.

    • prommie

      You just refuse to get on board, don't you?

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh god no, not never. I don't even want to know where to do such a thing. On board can go fuck itself.

        • prommie

          Now why would you want to have an attitude like that? You're supposed to want to jump on that treadmill, running faster and faster and going nowhere, living for being able to show off a flashier car in your driveway than the next person, wasting away your years pretending your doing something thats worth it, until they throw you out with your worthless 401-K that Goldman Sachs just looted. Gawd, come on, doesn't that all sound so fun? Get with the program!

          • FakaktaSouth

            That would be funnier if you weren't exactly describing most of my peers here. I care so little about flashy anything, it creeps me out to think about how judgey these cunts here are about this, the only funnier thing is that they absolutely, like soros said, do NOT want for me to have a nice car, they want for me to be less than so they can lord their car in my face. I just want the car I am in to get me where I am supposed to be so I can do whatever I have driven all that way for, ya know?

        • prommie

          Not my words but I can't do better:

          When I see the price that you pay
          I don't wanna grow up
          I don't ever want to be that way
          I don't wanna grow up
          Seems that folks turn into things
          that they never want
          The only thing to live for is today…
          I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
          I don't wanna grow up
          Open up the medicine chest
          I don't wanna grow up
          I don't wanna have to shout it out
          I don't want my hair to fall out
          I don't wanna be filled with doubt
          I don't wanna be a good boy scout
          I don't wanna have to learn to count
          I don't wanna have the biggest amount
          I don't wanna grow up
          Well when I see my parents fight
          I don't wanna grow up
          They all go out and drinkin all night
          I don't wanna grow up
          I'd rather stay here in my room
          Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
          I don't wanna live in a big old tomb on grand street

          • FakaktaSouth

            Who'da thought a TomWaits written Ramones covered peter-pan-fest could be a housewifian theme song? Hooray! I'll take it!

          • horsedreamer_1

            Especially since the Ramones are trickle down economists.

    • SorosBot

      That's also why, no matter how much the assholes accumulate and how easy their life is, they're not happy unless the rest of us are also fucked over and put in as much misery as possible; they don't just need everything, they need everyone else to suffer. They are horrible sociopaths, the super-rich.

      • James Michael Curley

        For a young bot you are well learned. The element where the rich and super rich went from merely accumulating to demeaning others who could not is the element which has ripped up and flushed whatever it was that really made our nation exceptional. I blame the Republican Elite most signified by those that propped up Reagan in the declining years of his Presidency.

        • SorosBot

          Young bot? I wish; especially when I look at my receding hairline.

      • prommie

        I know some horribly sociopathic middle-class professionals, too, and a lot of gun-toting sociopathic rednecks, and even a few sociopathic vagrants. I think our society as a whole in this country is more than a bit pathological. Its like so many people are just LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO KILL, like tens of millions of George Zimmermans, pissed off and just looking for someone in a hoodie they can blame it all on and kill as their scapegoat. I no longer wonder whatever the hell made Germany go crazy under Hitler. Look around, this is what happened to Germany.

        • FakaktaSouth

          I agree on the whole that there are lunatics in every class, but I do believe wealth attracts a particular breed of sociopath that is particularly horrid. It's the same thing with politicians too, there is something fundamentally off that is necessary to want to play this game these days. You have to have a specific kind of fuck-wittery to be able to become any of these people. You have to be willing to play a terrible terrible game.

          I also know what you mean about the Nazis. How could a whole country allow a thing like that to propagate right there around them? Well, I know now. I really do.

          • HistoriCat

            The only point I could argue on this is the relationship of money/Power to sociopathy – you are more likely to gain wealth and power if you have no qualms about the effects of your actions on others.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Let me guess—the checkbook covers will be made from the skin of white rhinoceroses rather than the vinyl ones we of the hoi-polloi are normally issued.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The checkbook covers will more likely be made out the flayed skins of the peasant classes.

  • gullywompr

    I'm sure it will trickle down eventually.

    • BarackMyWorld

      A bank just for jerb creyaters!

  • Eve8Apples

    Instead of a toaster, can I have a dressage pony and a $77,000 tax deduction, please?

    • Steverino247

      A $77,000 tax deduction is about $3,000 more than I earned last year.

      • SpeedoFart

        And about $47k more than I earned last year. :(

        • Steverino247

          Yeah, well, I know how the system works, you know…

          (Hint: it fucks us both…)

  • widestanceromance

    Cheer up, commoners, they will be the kind of bank that knows your name–when the next bail-out time arrives.

  • flamingpdog

    The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits

    I left some deposits for Goldman earlier this morning, but someone came after me and flushed them away.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Walking through San Francisco's Union Square early one morning, I overheard a security guard, upon discovering that a homeless person had defecated in the park, get on his walkie-talkie and announce: "401K in the park, 401K in the northwest corner of the park, can I get a cleaning crew over here?"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Can I get Sarah Palin in rich Corithian leather pants? With 1970's satelite dish size mechanical boobs?

  • Crank_Tango

    Ah who needs banking when Walmart does direct deposit?*


  • fawkedifiknow

    Sounds like they don't want any 99%er money to sully their accounts. How much do you want to bet they'll be more than happy to ask for – and get – a taxpayer (99%er) bailout the first time they flop like a cheap whore doing a 10 minute $50 gig?

  • OurHoboSenator

    Is there a VIP entrance? We're VIP

    • OneYieldRegular

      As usual, please use the back door.

  • Oblios_Cap

    But will I be able to ge a loan on a new dressage pony after my current one is sent to the glue factory?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    They will, however, have waiters carrying trays of cucumber sandwiches and delectable baby-meat vol au vents to keep the dignified customers well fed while waiting for the next available teller.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I mean, Goldman, what the fuck else would you expect?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I guess Scrooge McDuck needed a new place to go swimming.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He peed a lot in his old pool.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Toasters are out. For opening an account the rich get a free paper shredder so they're ready when the nasties from the IRS come to visit.

    • widestanceromance

      Don't forget the large diamond-encrusted magnets, for polishing up those hard drives for company.

  • CapnRadio


    • kittensdontlie

      Do those RICHEES know how to create jobs or what?!

  • poorgradstudent

    "…a cautious strategy to reshape its business"

    If you mean the exact opposite of 'reshape' then I agree.

  • SorosBot

    Instead of a toaster, how about a trip to the guillotine?

  • Goonemeritus

    Since most Americans have refrigerators I’m sure many of us will be in their target demographic.

  • Steverino247

    Time for another true story, kiddies.

    My wife used to work at a branch of a bank in Rancho Santa Fe (look it up if you're not familiar with it). NO ONE ever paid any fees there, no matter how many checks they bounced or any of those other little problems faced by the masses.

    There's a reason the rich get richer. It's because once you reach a certain socio-economic level, everybody kisses your ass just to sniff your wallet nearby.

    • bobbert

      Ah, Rancho Santa Fe. Atherton on steroids.

      • Steverino247

        And the bank eventually went out of business. Gee, wonder why?

  • OneYieldRegular

    I wonder if my collection of defaced portraits of Lloyd Blankfein will be enough collateral to secure me a loan.

  • Callyson

    Free toasters? I have heard this rumor before, that yesterday's banks actually wanted to have customers, and so they tried to give them incentives to open an account. That's as opposed to today's banks, which see account holders as cash cows from whom to extract as many fees as possible. It's not like any of them will go to a credit union or anything, right?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Finally! A safe place for Don Draper's "executive" bank account.

  • Do you think the lady in the photo would agree to share with me the recipe for her version of apple-carat-raisin salad-in-a-jello-mold?

  • It's not like the rest of us have any money anyway considering the 1%ers "earned" it all.

  • TootsStansbury

    Is there any purpose for opening an account at this"bank" besides making the statement "I have arrived. At the utmost state of douchyness."?

    • jqheywood

      There are only so many Patek Phillipe watches one can buy…what else is there to do with the money?

  • va_real

    Come the revolution, we start with Goldman's client list for appetizers.

    • Oblios_Cap

      "We're gonna need a bigger wall."

      • Generation[redacted]

        Money goes in the account. Account goes in the water. Shark's in the water. Financial sharks…

        ♪ ♫ Farewell an' adieu to you fair Spanish ladies ♪ ♫

  • Jus_Wonderin

    It should be stated, that giving away toasters is only acceptable as a bonus for gays enlisting new members into their ranks.

    This is an ageold practice, however it was updated with the advent of the toaster. Previously, a collaspable hinged grate with an extended handle was the award, but this didn't incentivize the gays as well as toasters.

    The more you know………………..

    • jqheywood

      I thought is was toaster ovens, not just toasters. I mean, I could see switching teams for a toaster oven, but not for just a fricking toaster!

  • Oblios_Cap

    What's that woman holding? It looks like a dog, only more kickable.

    • va_real

      I think that's Mitt's dad. Oh, wait, no- he's just FROM Chihuahua…

  • Estproph

    Goldman Sachs seems concerned about their reputation as an out-of-touch, elitist institution which takes advantage of minorities and poor people for profit. Surely this will correct that.

  • Poindexter718

    I propose naming it "Rafalca Bank & Trust Co."
    Sounds horsey / classy, no?

  • MissTaken

    No black Am Ex card for you!

  • va_real

    "The new unit will also lend more directly to corporations, some of which already make investments and do business with Goldman."

    Any idea what it means to "lend more directly to corporations"?

    • bikerlaureate

      Hoping someone else chimes in, here. That phrase has great and troublesome potential.

  • ph7

    No toaster, but Goldman does offer a new wife 20 years your junior with deposits of $50M or more (between $10M and $50M, you get a free mistress under 30, but Goldman won't pay her rent).

    • bobbert

      The Mutually Beneficial Account.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Instead of a toaster, may I have the gold plated urinal that comes with one year of service from one of the "you people" that will lick it for me?

  • Antispandex

    But…but, where will I bank if I am so fucking rich I feel it is tacky to even WANT to borrow money? Isn't there some place a guy can go with his cash, that doesn't DO loans, and will hide his assests from prying eyes? Somewhere NOT in America, for instance?

  • sullivanst

    In that market sector, you don't give away toasters, you give away private chefs.

  • fishwharf

    Will they offer payday loans?

  • bikerlaureate

    The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits, a source of low-cost funding less vulnerable to the vagaries of financial markets.

    Wishing this was a quote, instead of the stenographer adding helpful elaboration. Those markets are so randomly tricksy…

  • docterry6973

    Now, now. I am sure that Goldman has already revealed everything that we people need to know about banking on, I mean for, the wealthy.

  • chascates

    i bet I could catch a monster catfish with that dog as bait.

  • ttommyunger

    If dogs could talk, this one would be saying- "Get this bitch off of me!"

  • Today we are all toast.

  • Calapine

    Article is not quite correct: The GS page says they are offering "Goldman Sachs branded American Express" cards.

    Who would want to be seen with such a thing?

  • horsedreamer_1


  • And there is absolutely no chance that this special banking branch will ever be used to launder or hide money.

Previous articleSomeone Please Assure Us That This ‘Steampunk Palin’ Comic Is An Elaborate Prank
Next articleAnn Romney’s Metamorphosis Into Leona Helmsley Almost Complete