QUIET ROOMS  12:25 pm July 19, 2012

Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters

by Kris E. Benson

our social bettersThe problem with retail banking, see, is that even Poors can sometimes scrape enough money together to get a bank account or a loan, and then they’re all blah blah blah, you are foreclosing on my house by mistake, or blah blah blah, I will not pay your $5 fee, and then sometimes they will cause a SCENE about these trifles, and it is embarrassing for everyone. Goldman Sachs has learned from Bank of America’s experiences with Poors, and so it will be launching its retail banking arm for the exclusive use of very very rich people and also for corporations (which, fun fact, are also a type of rich person). This way, they can make sure they don’t lend to Poors and also avoid any possibility of exposure to such inconveniences as “the market,” as well as the undignified practice of “giving away free toasters” SERIOUSLY.

Via Reuters:

Goldman Sachs is building an in-house private bank to serve wealthy customers around the world as part of a cautious strategy to reshape its business, the Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday.

The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits, a source of low-cost funding less vulnerable to the vagaries of financial markets.

The new unit will also lend more directly to corporations, some of which already make investments and do business with Goldman. Bank executives have set a goal of $100 billion in loans, up from $12 billion at the end of March, the Journal said.

Goldman has no plans to open retail branches, build a network of automated teller machines, pitch credit cards or “give away toasters,” Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein told the Wall Street Journal.

Pfft. Toasters. Can you imagine anything so uncouth as TOASTERS? Or CREDIT CARDS? Debit cards and checkbooks on the other hand (which will be offered along with “loans secured by marketable securities, hedge funds, private equity funds, commercial real estate and private jets, yachts, vineyards, ranches and art collections”)—THAT’s dignified.

[Reuters]

 
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{ 101 comments }

nounverb911 July 19, 2012 at 12:26 pm

No toasters! I'm still using the blender Citibank gave me in 1980.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hell, I still have the Casio pocket calculator that I got for opening an account at the Lincoln Savings and Loan Association back in 1975. Of course, my savings are long gone, thank you very much Charles Keating and John McCain.

James Michael Curley July 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'm still driving the stage coach Wells Fargo gave me in 1880.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Music to my ears.

… Why, yes, I am Harold Hill.

nounverb911 July 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Will their first branch be in Zurich, Davos or Geneva?

Pragmatist2 July 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Lugano. Trust me on this.

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

You’re talking about Mitt’s blind Trust, right? That sucker is so water-tight, he gets a rebate on taxes he doesn’t pay.
Pretty city, though.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

My money's on Macau.

So, oddly, is Mitt's

weejee July 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Is that an Alien-like Mini Me bursting from her chest, or just a rat dog with no sense of style?

Barb July 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

They should all be given the G.E. Four-Slice Shower Toaster.

kittensdontlie July 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

With the optional high voltage booster setting for an instantaneous and thorough toasting…

Pragmatist2 July 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Will they use that little Monopoly guy as a logo?

ChernobylSoup July 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I bet the tellers will be smoking hot.

kittensdontlie July 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Tellers? The scene I imagine is an exclusive-lounge atmosphere…waitresses will take drink orders as well as bank transactions. "yes, I have a martini and a loan for my horse's new dressage attire…

ChernobylSoup July 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I wonder if they'll have one of those things in the lobby where you dump your change and it gives you cash.

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Yes, except it will accept bullion and stock certificates, too.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Yeah, but it will only accept gold coins, like the St Gaudens double eagle.

schvitzatura July 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Krugerrand libel!

actor212 July 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

They won't give away toasters, but they will provide on-demand ball-washing.

SpeedoFart July 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

And waxing.

GeorgiaBurning July 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Back in Black, I see.

Serolf_Divad July 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Banking only for rich clients, eh? The idea is brilliant since it pretty much guarantees that if the bank fails due to a bunch of insanely, stupidly, risky bets gone bad, everyone of these politically connected zillionaires will get bailed out at 100%.

And since the riskiest most stupid bets are also the ones that pay out most handsomely should they –counter to all good reason and judgment– actually pay off, that pretty much guarantees that this is exactly what will happen.

It's like going to the Belmont Stakes and betting it all on a three-legged donkey, secure in the knowledge that if you lose Uncle Sam will pick up the ticket, and if you win… oh, boy… that bet pays off at 1,000,000 to 1.

When the fuck will we just go ahead and change our nation's motto from "E. Pluribus Unum" to "Privatize the gains, socialize the losses."

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Oh thank god, the job creators will certainly set about creating, something, now? (I know, bigger bank accounts, whatever)

Also, it is a very odd thing in life to realize you do not have whatever it is that drives people to need and want all of these crazy better-than-exclusive-i-gotta-lotta-cash-here, see? kinds of powers to show other people how very important you are. It was weird when all of a sudden I realized, wait, THIS is what you're doing all of that for? Well that is interesting, because those are the things that make me think you are an asshole. I do not fit in in the world is what I am saying, I guess. I just want people not to mess with me and I'm pretty happy.

Blueb4sunrise July 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Hey, they still need people to dust and vacuum.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

You just refuse to get on board, don't you?

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Oh god no, not never. I don't even want to know where to do such a thing. On board can go fuck itself.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Now why would you want to have an attitude like that? You're supposed to want to jump on that treadmill, running faster and faster and going nowhere, living for being able to show off a flashier car in your driveway than the next person, wasting away your years pretending your doing something thats worth it, until they throw you out with your worthless 401-K that Goldman Sachs just looted. Gawd, come on, doesn't that all sound so fun? Get with the program!

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

That would be funnier if you weren't exactly describing most of my peers here. I care so little about flashy anything, it creeps me out to think about how judgey these cunts here are about this, the only funnier thing is that they absolutely, like soros said, do NOT want for me to have a nice car, they want for me to be less than so they can lord their car in my face. I just want the car I am in to get me where I am supposed to be so I can do whatever I have driven all that way for, ya know?

prommie July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Not my words but I can't do better:

When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever want to be that way
I don't wanna grow up
Seems that folks turn into things
that they never want
The only thing to live for is today…
I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up
Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinkin all night
I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old tomb on grand street

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Who'da thought a TomWaits written Ramones covered peter-pan-fest could be a housewifian theme song? Hooray! I'll take it!

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

That's also why, no matter how much the assholes accumulate and how easy their life is, they're not happy unless the rest of us are also fucked over and put in as much misery as possible; they don't just need everything, they need everyone else to suffer. They are horrible sociopaths, the super-rich.

James Michael Curley July 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

For a young bot you are well learned. The element where the rich and super rich went from merely accumulating to demeaning others who could not is the element which has ripped up and flushed whatever it was that really made our nation exceptional. I blame the Republican Elite most signified by those that propped up Reagan in the declining years of his Presidency.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Young bot? I wish; especially when I look at my receding hairline.

prommie July 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I know some horribly sociopathic middle-class professionals, too, and a lot of gun-toting sociopathic rednecks, and even a few sociopathic vagrants. I think our society as a whole in this country is more than a bit pathological. Its like so many people are just LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO KILL, like tens of millions of George Zimmermans, pissed off and just looking for someone in a hoodie they can blame it all on and kill as their scapegoat. I no longer wonder whatever the hell made Germany go crazy under Hitler. Look around, this is what happened to Germany.

FakaktaSouth July 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I agree on the whole that there are lunatics in every class, but I do believe wealth attracts a particular breed of sociopath that is particularly horrid. It's the same thing with politicians too, there is something fundamentally off that is necessary to want to play this game these days. You have to have a specific kind of fuck-wittery to be able to become any of these people. You have to be willing to play a terrible terrible game.

I also know what you mean about the Nazis. How could a whole country allow a thing like that to propagate right there around them? Well, I know now. I really do.

HistoriCat July 19, 2012 at 3:37 pm

The only point I could argue on this is the relationship of money/Power to sociopathy – you are more likely to gain wealth and power if you have no qualms about the effects of your actions on others.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Let me guess—the checkbook covers will be made from the skin of white rhinoceroses rather than the vinyl ones we of the hoi-polloi are normally issued.

Oblios_Cap July 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The checkbook covers will more likely be made out the flayed skins of the peasant classes.

gullywompr July 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I'm sure it will trickle down eventually.

BarackMyWorld July 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

A bank just for jerb creyaters!

Eve8Apples July 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Instead of a toaster, can I have a dressage pony and a $77,000 tax deduction, please?

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

A $77,000 tax deduction is about $3,000 more than I earned last year.

SpeedoFart July 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

And about $47k more than I earned last year. :(

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Yeah, well, I know how the system works, you know…

(Hint: it fucks us both…)

widestanceromance July 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Cheer up, commoners, they will be the kind of bank that knows your name–when the next bail-out time arrives.

flamingpdog July 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits

I left some deposits for Goldman earlier this morning, but someone came after me and flushed them away.

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Walking through San Francisco's Union Square early one morning, I overheard a security guard, upon discovering that a homeless person had defecated in the park, get on his walkie-talkie and announce: "401K in the park, 401K in the northwest corner of the park, can I get a cleaning crew over here?"

EatsBabyDingos July 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Can I get Sarah Palin in rich Corithian leather pants? With 1970's satelite dish size mechanical boobs?

Crank_Tango July 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Ah who needs banking when Walmart does direct deposit?*

*notintendedtobeafactualstatement

fawkedifiknow July 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Sounds like they don't want any 99%er money to sully their accounts. How much do you want to bet they'll be more than happy to ask for – and get – a taxpayer (99%er) bailout the first time they flop like a cheap whore doing a 10 minute $50 gig?

OurHoboSenator July 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Is there a VIP entrance? We're VIP

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

As usual, please use the back door.

Oblios_Cap July 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

But will I be able to ge a loan on a new dressage pony after my current one is sent to the glue factory?

Mittens Howell, III July 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

They will, however, have waiters carrying trays of cucumber sandwiches and delectable baby-meat vol au vents to keep the dignified customers well fed while waiting for the next available teller.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I mean, Goldman, what the fuck else would you expect?

BarackMyWorld July 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I guess Scrooge McDuck needed a new place to go swimming.

Oblios_Cap July 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

He peed a lot in his old pool.

Mittens Howell, III July 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Toasters are out. For opening an account the rich get a free paper shredder so they're ready when the nasties from the IRS come to visit.

widestanceromance July 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Don't forget the large diamond-encrusted magnets, for polishing up those hard drives for company.

CapnRadio July 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

IF THE RICH WANT TOAST, THEY'LL HAVE TO MAKE THEIR SERVANTS STAND IN THE SUN HOLDING A PIECE OF BREAD!

kittensdontlie July 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Do those RICHEES know how to create jobs or what?!

poorgradstudent July 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"…a cautious strategy to reshape its business"

If you mean the exact opposite of 'reshape' then I agree.

SorosBot July 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Instead of a toaster, how about a trip to the guillotine?

Goonemeritus July 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Since most Americans have refrigerators I’m sure many of us will be in their target demographic.

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Time for another true story, kiddies.

My wife used to work at a branch of a bank in Rancho Santa Fe (look it up if you're not familiar with it). NO ONE ever paid any fees there, no matter how many checks they bounced or any of those other little problems faced by the masses.

There's a reason the rich get richer. It's because once you reach a certain socio-economic level, everybody kisses your ass just to sniff your wallet nearby.

bobbert July 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Ah, Rancho Santa Fe. Atherton on steroids.

Steverino247 July 19, 2012 at 5:50 pm

And the bank eventually went out of business. Gee, wonder why?

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I wonder if my collection of defaced portraits of Lloyd Blankfein will be enough collateral to secure me a loan.

Callyson July 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Free toasters? I have heard this rumor before, that yesterday's banks actually wanted to have customers, and so they tried to give them incentives to open an account. That's as opposed to today's banks, which see account holders as cash cows from whom to extract as many fees as possible. It's not like any of them will go to a credit union or anything, right?

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Finally! A safe place for Don Draper's "executive" bank account.

Mumbletypeg July 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Do you think the lady in the photo would agree to share with me the recipe for her version of apple-carat-raisin salad-in-a-jello-mold?

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

It's not like the rest of us have any money anyway considering the 1%ers "earned" it all.

TootsStansbury July 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Is there any purpose for opening an account at this"bank" besides making the statement "I have arrived. At the utmost state of douchyness."?

jqheywood July 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

There are only so many Patek Phillipe watches one can buy…what else is there to do with the money?

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Come the revolution, we start with Goldman's client list for appetizers.

Oblios_Cap July 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"We're gonna need a bigger wall."

Generation[redacted] July 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Money goes in the account. Account goes in the water. Shark's in the water. Financial sharks…

♪ ♫ Farewell an' adieu to you fair Spanish ladies ♪ ♫

Jus_Wonderin July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It should be stated, that giving away toasters is only acceptable as a bonus for gays enlisting new members into their ranks.

This is an ageold practice, however it was updated with the advent of the toaster. Previously, a collaspable hinged grate with an extended handle was the award, but this didn't incentivize the gays as well as toasters.

The more you know………………..

jqheywood July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I thought is was toaster ovens, not just toasters. I mean, I could see switching teams for a toaster oven, but not for just a fricking toaster!

Oblios_Cap July 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

What's that woman holding? It looks like a dog, only more kickable.

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I think that's Mitt's dad. Oh, wait, no- he's just FROM Chihuahua…

Estproph July 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Goldman Sachs seems concerned about their reputation as an out-of-touch, elitist institution which takes advantage of minorities and poor people for profit. Surely this will correct that.

Poindexter718 July 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I propose naming it "Rafalca Bank & Trust Co."
Sounds horsey / classy, no?

MissTaken July 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

No black Am Ex card for you!

va_real July 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"The new unit will also lend more directly to corporations, some of which already make investments and do business with Goldman."

Any idea what it means to "lend more directly to corporations"?

bikerlaureate July 19, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Hoping someone else chimes in, here. That phrase has great and troublesome potential.

ph7 July 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

No toaster, but Goldman does offer a new wife 20 years your junior with deposits of $50M or more (between $10M and $50M, you get a free mistress under 30, but Goldman won't pay her rent).

bobbert July 19, 2012 at 3:39 pm

The Mutually Beneficial Account.

randcoolcatdaddy July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Instead of a toaster, may I have the gold plated urinal that comes with one year of service from one of the "you people" that will lick it for me?

Antispandex July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

But…but, where will I bank if I am so fucking rich I feel it is tacky to even WANT to borrow money? Isn't there some place a guy can go with his cash, that doesn't DO loans, and will hide his assests from prying eyes? Somewhere NOT in America, for instance?

sullivanst July 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

In that market sector, you don't give away toasters, you give away private chefs.

fishwharf July 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Will they offer payday loans?

bikerlaureate July 19, 2012 at 2:55 pm

The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits, a source of low-cost funding less vulnerable to the vagaries of financial markets.

Wishing this was a quote, instead of the stenographer adding helpful elaboration. Those markets are so randomly tricksy…

docterry6973 July 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Now, now. I am sure that Goldman has already revealed everything that we people need to know about banking on, I mean for, the wealthy.

chascates July 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm

i bet I could catch a monster catfish with that dog as bait.

ttommyunger July 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

If dogs could talk, this one would be saying- "Get this bitch off of me!"

deanbooth July 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Today we are all toast.

Calapine July 19, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Article is not quite correct: The GS page says they are offering "Goldman Sachs branded American Express" cards.

Who would want to be seen with such a thing?

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Myopic.

outragedcitizen July 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

And there is absolutely no chance that this special banking branch will ever be used to launder or hide money.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Especially since the Ramones are trickle down economists.

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