Embedded Journalist Connie Schultz Weasels Out Of Breitbart Wannabe’s Sneaky Gotcha! Question

  Facepalmbook

He's no Distinguished Gentleman...

Syndicated columnist and Elite Media Figure Connie Schultz presents us with an object lesson in how to cleverly avoid answering pointed questions from citizen-journalists who tell you that they have the goods on you. (Above. It is right there above. Did you not see it?)

But a couple of Tips to the best journalist of his (or her!) generation:

1) Make sure you spell your target’s name right.
2) Do not announce to your target that you are “doing an exposé” on them. Instead, use more subtle terminology, such as “We are investigating your corrupt practices for a hit piece that will destroy you and your ilk for all time. Thank you so much for your cooperation, and have a great day!”
3) Make use of reliable inside-journalism sources like Wikipedia or an Ouija board to do basic fact checking.

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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319 comments

    1. Maman

      Breitbart's dead but he still has minions. In fact, my batshit sister is trying to sic one on me for asking my sister about her trip to Poland. Contacting my sister via the comments part of her blog once a quarter makes me a cyberstalker apparently.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            That's 'cause you're supposed to read her blog. Pictures, page hits, big $$$ for sis!

          1. va_real

            If I were, would I need to change my user name to 'Tante'? Or maybe 'tant mieux', but ironically?

      1. Maman

        Thank you to whoever just posted on my sister's blog and said the family feud was more interesting that the blog itself. I owe you a juicy kiss!

      2. HistoriCat

        3 hours and no one bothered with a "you know who else went to Poland" comment?

        This is not the Wonkette I remember…

  1. worrytron

    I would've strung him or her along for at least 3 more emails…… but that's why I'm just an internet troll and not a politician.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Yes, she could have really gone to town on this one, with all kinds of denials and back-and-forths. And then once they published the piece and it was picked up by DOZENS of conservative blogs, someone could have pointed out the truth.

      Seriously, now I'm just mad at her for taking away what would have been so much fun.

      1. worrytron

        I should give the Democrats a presentation on how to troll… the GOP has them beat hands down this year.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          It's a seriously crucial skill that so many liberals lack. Almost worth putting together a certificate program through the local university.

          1. worrytron

            "Trolling in the 21st Century: Get out from under your bridge and call someone Hitler. 3 credits."

          2. Butch_Wagstaff

            You know who else got under their bridge?

            Can't believe I just typed that but I did.

          1. worrytron

            Hah that's a really good idea. Though I'm just the padawan. I come from the world of video games, where trolling was perfected by battle-hardened 15 year old masters of the art. I'd be terrified to ask them to contribute………..

            That being said, i'll let you know next time i get bored at work and head to CNN.com ;)

          2. DemmeFatale

            Us olds are used to 15 year old masters for all things tech.
            The gaming world is so foreign to me, that I had no idea that trolling took place there. (After using a Wii-Fit for a year, I had an "aha moment" when I realized it was also a game! Duh!)
            Trolling is a wicked sub-set of snark, and I commend the intrepid souls that "take one for the team" to bring us info.

          3. DemmeFatale

            I'm surrounded.
            I live in Silicon Valley, Mr. Fatale is a brilliant computer professional, and my daughters, (22 and 25), are both computer literate. (They were shocked that I knew what a "meme" was when we discussed it a few years ago.)
            Even so, they feel like they can't keep up with the "cutting edge" in the techie universe.
            I'm happy to defer to the smart-mouthed kids.
            And some of, (well, most of), my friends are aged techies!

          4. MittBorg

            You KNOW I was only teasing you, right? I only pretend to be mean.

            And, yeah, I threw out nearly a whole shelf full of tech stuff last week, because ya just can't keep up with this shit. Both my partners are also tech geeks, so conversation time in this house can be pretty damn interesting.

          5. va_real

            Some day they might be useful. Or of historical interest if you keep them long enough… My sweetheart is also a techie who hoards the outdated stuff, & these are the excuses I hear…

          6. MittBorg

            We're *both* terrible packrats, as is our other partner, and we've *all* lost our parents over the past decade. Having to pack and dispose of 60-90 years' worth of shit gets tiresome pretty damn fast. So I sat him down and gave him the talk, and then made him the deal: I'll throw away one item for every one item he tosses. He's a wily little rat, tho. I have to keep a sharp eye on him.

          7. MittBorg

            (Hides two large file boxes full of stuff)

            I have no idea how these tech geeks can *stand* to be such PACK rats, honest. (shoves various papers under bed)

      1. worrytron

        I guess i can take comfort in knowing that good trolling skills are becoming more important in politics.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Agreed! She should have started off by begging them not to publish any photos and then just take off from there.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      She really should have ended it at "he's so cute."
      Or better yet, "I can't wait to get him into bed."

      Then sit back and wait for the "exposé." With luck, it would make it all the way to the Faux News blowhards, and totally make Jon Stewart's day week.

          1. va_real

            Yes- we spend so much time with the wingnut idiocies, it helps to remind ourselves that sometimes people are amazingly creative & cool!

          2. MittBorg

            My dear friend, you flatter me exceedingly. Indeed, you are much too kind. If I were capable of this kind of work, I would be doing it every minute of the day.

            ETA: Thank you for the link.

          3. MittBorg

            Now, now, sweetie. This place fills a need for those of us who are here. You will do what you do when you decide to do it. You do plenty as it is. Beating yourself up does not make for great art.

    1. flamingpdog

      It better be the looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong-form marriage license!

  2. SorosBot

    So they're going to investigate all those journalists who attended John McCain's barbeques, right?

    1. Fraudulently_Joe

      Maybe while they're at it they could investigate the journalists that go on those right-wing swingers' cruises, or the ones that join the Kochs for their annual orgies in Vail.

        1. va_real

          Ghost Breitbart & Undead Breitbart are both in agreement that there are few things tormenting them in the afterlife that can compare to the wit of a literalist liberal..

          1. worrytron

            We prefer pedantic progressive, thankyouverymuch!

            And i'm glad to know i can still get under reanimated Breitbart's waxy, rotting skin.

        2. Biel_ze_Bubba

          The ghost is just a ghost; the undead includes the rotting corpse, and therefore smells worse. Also, BRAINS!!!1!

  3. actor212

    Shame on her, socializing with her husband when she should be banging her editor. What's the point in being in journalism if you're not going to drink and screw around?

    1. PubOption

      Especially now that hacking into the e-mail accounts of murder victims and also bribing police for exclusive information, seem to be frowned upon.

    1. widestanceromance

      Same here. I want to bear her many strong sons for that (which is impossible, but a guy can dream, right?).

    2. sewollef

      I just read this — on a Friday morning, the best day of the week!

      Fucking hilarious! This has made my weekend all the sweeter….

          1. Geminisunmars

            Well, I don't like to brag, but you could do quite well for yourself if the bet were taken.

  4. SorosBot

    Though I kind of wish Schultz had added, "I have also fucked the man on numerous occasions".

      1. SigDeFlyinMonky

        I think the terminologies to be made current are: a) noun, carnal congress ; b) verb, swive. All presented in memory of Readers' Digest, "Toward More Colorful Language."

          1. va_real

            Yes, she looks fabulously waggle-ready & just fabulous in general. I just meant that in a general way…

        1. Fare la Volpe

          The Brown / Schultz clans are well known for their elaborate mating rituals, wherein the female ruffles her feathers at passing males, who take turns presenting her with pebbles from a nearby brook. The female selects the largest pebble, and lets the male into her nest long enough to fertilize the already laid eggs. Thereupon she expels him from the nest, leaving him no recourse but to run for US Senate.

          It's really quite a beautiful process.

          1. Veritas78

            As opposed to the strategy employed by females of the McCain/Gingrich species, who lock onto their males' probosci during intercourse then proceed to eat them from the inside out. A great deal of peroxide is required beforehand, I've heard.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    So that's what Halperin's been up to lately…since I haven't seen his douchey mug on teevee lately.

  6. weejee

    Spouses sucking face? American morality is in free fall. Where are Newt and Bristol to light the most proper way. oh, yeah…

    1. Billmatic

      I think Shultz is a pretty cool guy, eh writes emales and doesn't afraid of anything

  7. edgydrifter

    Dear Ms. Schultz,

    GET ON MY DILDO BOAT!!

    Respectfully yours,
    Crack Investigative Journalist Who Is Not At All James O'Keefe

  8. spends2much

    I love the last line from the genius blogger "care to comment?"- you can just see the self-satisfied smirk coming right off the screen, like this douchebag has Ms. Schultz just backed into a corner…

    Then she hits him in the nuts, but with his own hand. It's quite beautiful.

      1. Biff

        Or in the words of the formerly alive breitbart: Behaaaaave yourself! Stop raping people!

        1. MittBorg

          That braying jackass is now braying the same exact thing to Biely, who delights in supervising the repeated and demonic pranging of his asshole.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Hardly worth my attention … that's what minions are for. Being pranged by mere minions is particularly painful for attention whores. So we do it.

    1. sullivanst

      Then she hits him in the nuts, but with his own hand.

      Repeatedly. "Stop hitting yourself".

  9. FidoMcCokefiend

    I love the term "Elite Media".

    Yet, I'm sure this dickhole will tell us how Ann Romney is the bee's knees for her dressage tax credits.

    Insert Willy Wonka photo meme with "So, you don't care for the Elite? Please tell me about your love for Mitt Romney"

  10. Boojum

    I see what is happening here. She is "socializing" with a US Senator.

    You know who else "socialized" with government officials?

      1. MittBorg

        Does anyone even remember Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies any more? (Other than us, obvs. You must be as old as I am.)

          1. MittBorg

            It was the first sex scandal to take down a powerful politician. Britain's John Profumo lost his political career over his dalliance with a high-end callgirl named Christine Keeler who was believed to be the mistress of a Soviet spy. His affair, his lies under oath, and Keeler's particulars brought down the British government of the day.

        1. sullivanst

          I'm only halfway old, but Joanne Whalley left quite an impression in Scandal when I saw it as a teen.

          That, and my dad likes to repeat the common misquote of Mandy: "Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?"

  11. el_donaldo

    But was the guy filming himself in a pimp outfit as he wrote that email. Because that just proves it.

  12. UnholyMoses

    These guys are to journalism what _____________ is to _________________.

    I'll start: jumper cables/chocolate cake.

    1. Callyson

      FOX News / actual reality

      Mittens / someone who should ever venture to sing in public

      Michelle Bachmann / intelligence

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      The cold realization that you opened the wrong airlock / Sweet, sweet puppy breath

      1. MittBorg

        Li'l puppies *do* have sweet breath, don't they? Kittens, too.

        Then they turn into dogs and cats with fetid moufette-pourri breath, as one Chichikovovich might say.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          So true. Call me cold but I never let my dog lick my face. And now, even when asked (teased, actually) she won't do it. She will lick other, but not me. I guess I taught her well, right?

          1. MittBorg

            Better than I taught *these* assholes, apparently. These guys think licking my nose is a great way to get me to feed them, preferably at 3 a.m. Their breath *stinks,* they have tongues like *sandpaper,* and — yeah, I guess it works, since the first thought that pops into my head when my nose is being reshaped at 3 am by cat tongue is, "I wonder if they just cleaned their butt?"

          2. MittBorg

            Unless they are very scaredy dogs, they usually react to that with a great big doggy grin, and more licking. Although one of ours just had a habit of looking guilty when ANYone yelled about ANYthing.

          3. bobbert

            Although one of ours just had a habit of looking guilty when ANYone yelled about ANYthing.

            Mm, dog, right.

          4. UnholyMoses

            Our newish Corgi (Pembroke variety) has the NASTIEST breath I've ever smelled. I mean, it's like he ate a pile of catshit with a side of rotting carcass. Hell, our Corgi/Basenji mix eat poop and doesn't have breath like that. (Our Whippet has no breath smell at all.)

            As far as licking:
            – Karma (the mix) isn't allowed to lick us for any reason.
            – Kei (the Pembroke) only does when he wants to be petted — and it's
            usually on the calf since he's so damn short (and ADORABLE).
            – Zoey (the Whippet) gives kisses like the sweetheart she is.
            – I (Unholy Moses) am encouraged to lick often, but only The Mrs.

  13. ChernobylSoup

    Dear Ms. Mitchell: We are doing an expose of journalists who socialize with Randian fuckups who used to chair the Fed. We realize you're married to this destroyer of civilizations and willfully blind douchebag, but would you care to comment?

  14. widestanceromance

    Surely they have not replied because

    a) they are tracking down the secret love child she had with her husband
    b) Obama droned 'em

    Choose the wrong answer unless you want to get sent to a Hope Camp.

  15. Fare la Volpe

    Doesn't calling something "elite" usually denote a sense of, I dunno, competency?

  16. gullywompr

    One thing for sure, you'll never see a photograph of Conservative Blogger getting a hug from someone. Ever.

      1. sullivanst

        Wow, death becomes him. I'd started to forget quite how complete a douche he was.

        Kid there looks like he's coming in his pants; Breitbart looks like he's plotting a 3-way with the photographer.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          That's our beloved ex-intern Riley! He is clearly pissing himself from molestation fear!

          1. sullivanst

            Yeah, without the facial hair it's more obvious that the look is "holy shit, what is he doing and how do I make it stop?"

    1. Rotundo_

      Not so sure about that one, K-Lo probably has wrapped her bingo winged arms around the doughy pantload a time or two at office parties, I'm sure Pammycakes has been hugged really hard by all those horndog conservative types trying to see if the breasts are, indeed live or Memorex.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        You beat me to it! I was going with "Didn't they mean to send that email to Gov. Nikki Haley?"

        Did you see how it looks like she is not going to get to give the keynote address at the Republican Convention? She sold her state's port of Savannah down the river for Charleston, South Carolina. In return, the story goes, she was going to get national press and ink.

        Ha. Ha. HA!

  17. Eve8Apples

    Dear Conservative Blogger:

    Not only do I hug and kiss Sen. Brown, but I frequently fuck him crazy style. Unfortunately, you will never know what that is like.

    Have a nice day,
    Connie Schultz

  18. Vecchiojohn

    Let's find a picture of Obama hugging his mother and put it up someplace where the nitwits will see it.

    1. MittBorg

      Secretly "leak" it to the Daily Caller. Next day's drudge-siren-flashing headlines: Obama Makes Out With White Woman. Mystery White Woman Threatens Obama's Marriage. Is Barry Leaving Michelle For A WHITE Woman?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Instead, she pulled the best "Col. Hogan" on "Col. Klink" I have seen in…years.

    2. flamingpdog

      Damn you – I even went to all the trouble of copying a picture of Sergeant Schulz off of Google images!

  19. MittBorg

    I just want to point out that Connie Shmutz, like the liBRADT that she is (yeah, that's for you, 'BeccaLou, and those dolts at IncensedRebatez that keep trapping my perfectly innocent comments in that filter that's tighter than a Freshman Repuglycnut's asshole) and also too a FEMALE wily devious cnut-having person, TRAPPED that young journalist and brutally mocked him like a Feminazi. Which is what you females do to poor innocent men.

    1. Billmatic

      Yeah what's up with the weirdness, I posted "SOCIALISTS!" as a response to something and it needs approval from the editor, and i am disappoint

        1. Billmatic

          I wanted to respond to "You know who socializes with government officials?" with "SOCIALISTS!!!!" because pun, but it won't let me.

          1. MittBorg

            Yeah, I put "socialist" in a comment yesterday and the site admin ate it.

            Of course, I might have been talking about tirgonometry, or something, but it was innocent. Let's see if this gets et.

          2. MittBorg

            Welp, there ya go. It ate it.

            To clarify, I responded to your post with the same magic word, and got that "your comment has been blabbety blabbety blah blah" bull.

          3. va_real

            Wow- my response was 'socialist butterflies' & it got sloughed off the Internetz in the same fashion. Why would this site of ALL sites, have a problem with that word? Actually, I've gotten that message many times lately, & there is no discernible pattern…

          4. va_real

            The (kinda) funny thing is that my response above about the site admin approval immediately also got the site admin approval message & didn't show up for long time…

            Wait- you're posting on Wonkette & worried about looking insane? : >)

          5. Billmatic

            Hah! Right? Especially me, the guy who makes jokes about lizard people and shadow planets.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          MRM = Men's Rights Movement. Although I don't think you could match the vileness of the posts/comments on those sites.

  20. sullivanst

    Connie's relationship status is right there on facebook. Smoove move, conservatard.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Worth noting that this was probably not sent to her thru Facebook, but most likely her business email, and then she posted it on Facebook, but, yeah, it's pretty open info anyway.

    1. SorosBot

      That story shocked me – I mean, there are still porn theaters in this day and age? (Oh and what a fucking stupid thing for the police to care about).

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        Part of a "Life in the '80's" living history museum for the tourists, I guess. Too bad Aunt Peg isn't around anymore.

    2. LettucePrey

      What I want to know is: If you're a cop, who do you have to piss off to get masturbatory patrol?

    3. Geminisunmars

      I hadn't heard about this and had to look it up. Oh, for fuck's sake. (The article I read said he was doing research for an in-production movie called "The Yank".)

          1. MittBorg

            Herb Caen used to run a column about strange names/professions, like the very not-estimable Dr. Andrew Carver, podiatric surgeon.

  21. Antispandex

    "Oh, so you're married? So you don't deny fucking him either I guess? Answer the question, Ok? I guess we will just have to say you never denied that you were fucking him…how's that?"

  22. Goonemeritus

    It’s harder to document Republicans having down time because dungeon themed sex clubs discourage photography.

          1. Goonemeritus

            Yes but only from Wharton Business School or GE unless you are on a technology track. I should point out that tech. track guys never get to have any corporate sponsored fun.

          2. MittBorg

            Welp, there go my — I mean MY FRIEND, yaknow, my, uh, FRIEND, that's the ticket, my FRIEND's chances of some of that sweet corpogrift.

  23. redarmyzombie

    Wait, what's that? It appears to be…yes, It's the sound of somebody's schaden landing in my freude!

  24. LettucePrey

    Oh, c'mon, Connie, out the little bugger! Was he from Breitbart's Home for Little Unemployables? Tucker Carlson's Island of Misfit Toys? The O'Keefe Skool of Jernalizms? CNN? Esquiring minds demand to know.

  25. Steverino247

    This could have gotten much more interesting:

    "And his ears pop when I give him head, that's how hard I suck his cock."

    "Yes, and he can thump my cervix from across the room."

    OK, you next, dear Wonketteers!

  26. OneYieldRegular

    Two smackdowns in a single week. Michelle Bachmann should really give up journalism.

  27. YouBetcha

    This would have been much better if she had replied, "No comment. None of your business. Nothing to see here." Ten minutes later the "exposé" would have gone up on O'Keefe's website. Magic.

  28. valthemus

    "We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media…"

    I'm sure this is exactly how Mike Wallace would have approached Schultz.

  29. KotBR

    Connie also quit her job at the Cleveland Plain Dealer b/c she knew admitted she couldn't provide the paper with the type of impartial reporting the readership deserves. Oh, and because she's too good for that piece of junk rag. Again, things the wingnuts can't be bothered to look up.

  30. Blunderthing

    Yeah, but she's probably had sex with him for purposes other than Procreation which makes her a Liberal Whore who prolly wants Free Birth Control and to give blow jobs to illegal immigrants while gay married couples watch with Boy Scouts in the room.

  31. ChessieNefercat

    I can't see the details in the graphic, but I hope she copied it to every single journalist right, left and center in this country and some of the major international markets.

    1. not that Dewey

      Hey, thanks. I'm just happy to see Mrs Schultz's wit (and the Breitbart idiot's idiocy) get some wider coverage.

      Wonkville seems to be a successful experiment. Several of the submissions have gone mainline, and among the ones that don't, there are many good reads and excellent headlines.

  32. Soylent Green

    I wish she'd have escalated it before letting the cat out of the bag. "I have no comment! No comment!! How much for the pictures?!!!"

  33. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Know what's best, best, best about this? That "exposé of media elites" can never be published, without exposing the identity of the fuckwit conservatard blogger.

  34. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Hah! That was classic but I agree Mrs. Schultz lacks the killer instinct for a truly good troll. Had she maybe mentioned her mutually beneficial relationship with Sherrod Brown like "he gives me special favors in exchange for sex" followed by an innocent "does that clarify things for you?" would have sent this wingnut ablaze…she could have kept the poor winger going until Faux Nuuz was reporting 'shocking' allegations that Sherrod Brown is exchanging special favors for sex with her comment when asked what those are by Hannity: "he takes the garbage out, washes the car and dances around in his drawers" before adding, "we're married by the way, you know that, right?" which would have caused an internal hemmorage in his smug, stupid brain. Oh it would have been SO worth it…especially when House Republicans demanded to investigate these 'corrupt' dealings…

  35. Robman2

    Burning Andrew

    Brightly lit

    On Bill Maher

    He acted twit

    Like a rocket

    With an arc

    He seemed to flame

    As lighted fart

  36. gurukalehuru

    "An" Ouija board?? Oh, Doktor Zoom, Doktor Zoom, how are you pronouncing ouija? Because I always pronounce it just like wedgie but with a long e.

  37. ttommyunger

    Sadly, Conservatards are devoid of any sense of shame, so no lessons learned here.

Comments are closed.