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eight men outBack in May, Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger (he of your Wonkette’s Do Not Sex list) convinced state Rep. Roy Schmidt to switch parties and join the GOP. Then Bolger and Schmidt hatched a plan to ensure Schmidt wouldn’t have to face an actual opponent in his re-election bid. For democracy!

Schmidt waited until the filing deadline to switch parties and enter the race as a Republican. He also recruited a 22-year-old GNC clerk who didn’t actually live in Schmidt’s district to “run” against him as a Democrat and lose. And because Schmidt and Bolger are political geniuses, they had the same person file both candidates’ paperwork!

They also exchanged oddly flirty text messages about their scheme because why would a Michigan politician think that text messages would leave a “smoking gun” paper trail? It’s not as though there’s ever been a text message-related political scandal around these parts.

Speaker: “Can they get the paperwork to u and u get to me so we can get it in our hands, show the GOP we’re all set…then we’ll file tomorrow.”

Schmidt: “For the Dem candidate. Yes!”

Speaker: “Exactly, for the Dem candidate…we already have paper work for our R candidate!”

Schmidt: “I know. I am so nervous at this point-just want it to go perfect!”

Speaker: “Me too. I don’t like leaving anything to chance, thus my anxiousness to get this last piece wrapped up. All will then b perfect!”


Holy hell, get a room you two.

Well, the Kent County Prosecutor investigated the thing and determined that Bolger and Schmidt were unethical douchebags engaged in what could be casually called “fraud,” but prosecutors also concluded what they did was totally not illegal in Michigan. If you want to run for office, you can hire some unemployed moon landing denier with a domestic violence conviction named Jerry Hussein Sandusky-Hitler to pretend to be your opponent. Michigan is completely cool with it.

Michigan: Where the trees are always the right height and strawman opponents on your payroll are people too. [WOOD-TV]

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