the sheriff always gets his man

Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born

secret codesWe can’t believe we forgot to watch the “live stream” of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s press conference — which wasn’t on the teevee because of how the media is colluding to protect the illegal alien “president” — and he has some news! In fact, Arpaio’s “posse” of investigators into the national security threat (true quote!) that is B. Hussein are so good at their jobs, they even found the 95-year-old former state employee who signed Bamz’s birth certificate in the first place!

But wait! If they found the employee who signed it coming up on 51 years ago, wouldn’t that mean it hadn’t been forged? Oh you sweet, simple thing. No. You see, “It’s the codes.”

The AP is on the case!

Mike Zullo, the posse’s chief investigator, said numeric codes on certain parts of the birth certificate indicate that those parts weren’t filled out, yet those sections asking for the race of Obama’s father and his field of work or study were completed.

Zullo said investigators previously didn’t know the meaning of codes but they were explained by a 95-year-old former state worker who signed the president’s birth certificate. Zullo said a writer who published a book about Obama’s birth certificate and was aiding investigators let them listen in on an interview he conducted of the former state worker.

There you have it. “Codes.” Codes that said parts of it were left blank, even though they were filled in. You have to get up pretty early in 1961 to fool Sheriff Joe Arpaio!

But what lies is the Hawaii Attorney General’s office telling, to cover this up, again?

“President Obama was born in Honolulu, and his birth certificate is valid,” [a spokesman] said in a statement. “Regarding the latest allegations from a sheriff in Arizona, they are untrue, misinformed, and misconstrue Hawaii law.”

Well, that’s what they would say. The truth is out there.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. thatsitfortheother1

    "Barack Obama Was Never Born"

    I believe the term used by AEI was "spawned."

    Like a catfish or something.

    1. 12X34X

      I watch a lot of old X Files episodes. I could help Arpaio along with this.

      "He was created in a lab at area 51 in NM by a technology we have yet to understand. Strage sightings of turban-wearing, Sharia Law – spouting, aliens in ovoid spacecraft were reported in the area by locals during the time Obama was said to have been born. There were also numerous reports of cows mysteriously disappearing in the area. To this day, the Air Force will not release these reports to the general public,"

      These rednecks have no imaginations! Memo to Arpaio: Watch moar teevee!!!!

  2. freakishlywrong

    It's raining like fuck here today. Let's hope in never rains in Maricopa fucking county again.

  3. ChernobylSoup

    The Higgs boson was not identified until 2012. Without the Higgs boson there can be no mass. So how did Barack Obama exist in 1961?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The Higgs boson walks into a church, and the priest says, Hey, we don't allow Higgs bosons in here–your nickname is blasphemous. And the Higgs boson says, Oh yeah? Without me, how can you have Mass?

  4. weejee

    Joe is speaking in code, with his 'no blahs' dog whistle

    Code back atcha Joe: ─••• ••─ •─•• •─•• ••• •••• •• ─

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      .. .- — .- ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. –. .. -.. .. — – .-.-.- … …. . .-. .. ..-. ..-. .— — .

      1. savethispatient

        -.- . . .–. / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. –. / – …. .- – / -.-. …. .. -.-. -.- . -.

  5. Mumbletypeg

    This dolt has reached and transcended that point whereby the fuss you make about such-and-such begins to say more about you than about the idiotic thing you've been ranting over ad nauseum..

    1. freakishlywrong

      At what point do these assholes transcend out of the public discourse? Four years and four months?

    2. not that Dewey

      "Quixotic" = "foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals"

      "Arpaic" = ???

      1. CapnRadio

        Lemme try.

        "Arpaic" = ???

        "Foolishly impractical and sweaty, especially in the pursuit of ideals"

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    It's time to again reopen the murder investigation of Glenn Beck. Clearly, Arpaio won't let something like jurisdiction or decency get in the way.

  7. bureaucrap

    If the birth certificate was not completed properly, that means the "individual" associated with it doesn't exist. QED.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      And is Orly Taitz a dentist, a lawyer, or a researcher? I think the conspiracy is that none of these people are pedigreed properly, yet they command a shitload of attention.

      OH MY GOD… I just had an epiphany… since they earn attention by bloviating and making nonsense for a camera spectacle, they're not just wingnuts…

      …they are the new Jersey Shore!

    2. Tundra Grifter

      So – Sheriff Joe isn't the dumbest guy in the county. There are all those jokers who voted him in.

      1. zippy_w_pinhead

        No, the ones who vote for him are fear stricken retirees. the really dumb ones are the people who actually buy their gawd awful books

  8. TheGyrus

    DAMMIT! After all the trouble the Democrats went to to smuggle a Kenyan Muslim into the country, plant fake notices of his birth in the 1961 Honolulu Advertiser, educate him to hate America at an Indonesian madrasa, cover up the years he spent as a spy for Pakistan, set him up as a community organizer, get him elected to his first term as President, the whole freaking plan is now going to fall apart because some idiot screwed up the codes on his fake birth certificate! DETAILS, PEOPLE!

    1. LesBontemps

      It's this kind of sloppiness that will be the undoing of our efforts to institute sharia law death panels at the FEMA re-education camps.

      1. Dr_Zoidberg

        Hey, I have been tirelessly working to institute sharia law death panels at my local FEMA re-education camp. I just keep getting distracted by free healthcare and food stamps.

    2. Tommy1733

      You know who _else_ smuggled a Kenyan Muslim into the country, planted fake notices of his birth in the 1961 Honolulu Advertiser, educated him to hate America at an Indonesian madrasa, covered up the years he spent as a spy for Pakistan, set him up as a community organizer, and got him elected to his first term as President?

    3. Terry

      Yeah, too bad they didn't think to pick a Muslim man who looks whiter than Arpaio and give him a super white sounding name like Bob Johnson.

      1. widestanceromance

        The codes make the connection crystal clear to any real patriot, and to deny this is to forsake the baby Geebis.

  9. SorosBot

    The 95-year-old also explained that in the upcoming election he was supporting Calvin Coolidge.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      After explaining he'd invested his entire retirement account in American Buggy Whip, he predicted a World Series sweep by the Boston Braves.

  10. arihaya

    This is not a problem at all. According to Romney, Obama only need to incorporate himself as Barack Obama Inc, and then he will be able to get a full personhood.

    Because corporation are peple, my friends.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      And he can retroactively call himself born anywhere at anytime. The Romney way of doing things is actually very helpful.

  11. chascates

    A conspiracy so vast and so well done you'd have to be a moron to pay any attention at all.

    1. Boojum

      -.– — ..- / .- .-. . / .- / ..-. .-. . .- -.- .. -. .—-. / .. -.. .. — – –..– / … …. . .-. .. ..-. ..-. .-.-.- /

  12. el_donaldo

    Codes?! I can help! Venusians are always tapping out secret codes and their mysteries though my mercury fillings. They've already given me Obama's complete Pakistan-Mars teleportation schedule AND the locations of the next five times Jesus will appear in a tortilla.

    I bet I could be one of them Posse Chief Investigators.

    1. proudgrampa

      Your comment puts me in mind of the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI).

      Maybe we should embark on a search for Terrestrial Intelligence. I suspect that, well, we will find that there is none. It's in the codes, man!

      1. FlownOver

        Eric Idle Libel!

        So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
        How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
        And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
        'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

  13. qwerty42

    So Hawaii isn't part of the US and doesn't issue real birf certificates and goodness knows what else.

    1. Maman

      Bad news for my dad who was born in Hawaii. Do you know what the difference between my dad's and the President's birth certificates is? My dad's says "Territory of Hawaii" instead of "State of Hawaii"

  14. mrpuma2u

    My last comment got deleted?!?!?!? I guess editrix was right, intense debate has been taken over by Sherrif Joe.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is almost as interesting as that whole "Davinci Code" thing and should probably be made into a summer blockbuster starring Tom Hanks as Sheriff Joe in "The Arpaio Code"

  16. Limeylizzie

    I was born, also, today July 18th, as well as Nelson Mandela, Clifford Odets, Goldie Taylor and , best of all, Red Skelton!

    1. chascates

      Happy Birthday! Tomorrow is my birthday so in your honor I'll starti drinking right now.

    2. fartknocker

      We knew you we're special but WOW, you're very, very special. Happy Birthday. Oh, you forgot to mention that Willie Nelson was also born on July 18th.

    3. ChernobylSoup

      You have those in England? I thought birthdays were an American thing. Did they give you one when you moved here?

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Is that like when young Chinese ladies come to the US and pick a new name? Generally, in my experience, "Jennifer."

    4. Mumbletypeg

      Hey Lizzie, wishing you the best on your birthday. In lieu of usual horrorscope, I’ll share from this geekworthy new numbers trivia book I just bought myself for my own early-bday… Whereby: if your birth date is stated in europe-friendly format with zero included I can share that 18.7 or 1807 (eighteenth day seventh month) is the fifth voracious number. So go and be voracious* sweet girl!

      *because I could not find anything elsewhere on teh internets about voracious numbers it’s occurred to me maybe it’s a figment of the author’s imagination – not that anything’s wrong with that, imaginary numbers sometimes outperform their reputations…

        1. Tundra Grifter


          I hope it wasn't rush hour. I can just see the folks packing in behind her, and about half way up realizing maybe that wasn't such a hot idea.

    5. FakaktaSouth

      Oh yay! Happy Birthday! And happy co-July Birthday month, I'm 12 days into being all kinds of 40. Your born-on-this-day people are way cooler than mine though – I just got Sly Stallone, W and Ronald Reagan's second wife Nancy. Much love.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh yours are ghastly! Thank God for you, single-handedly raising the honour and merit of the day.

    6. Tundra Grifter


      Also – (again, thank you Public Radio) – Martha Reeves of Martha and the Vandellas. Hope you are Dancing In the Street during this Heatwave.

      And Screaming Jay Hawkins. When the Rolling Stones toured the USA, they thanked the R&B pioneers and Blues musicians they'd listened to in England by hiring them to open their shows.

      Screaming Jay Hawkins began his act by popping out of a coffin.

      There's music in your stars, 2L!

    7. Tundra Grifter


      And Hunter Thompson. Thank you, Writers' Almanac and Garrison Keillor.

      Best of all – You!

  17. GorzoTheMighty

    Read it as Arpaio's "pussy" instead of "posse". Might take the rest of the day to recover from that image. Is it wrong to start drinking at 9:00 am?

  18. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Since when do Sheriffs just embroider their star onto a polo shirt? That is SOOOOOO LAME!

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Or how about one of those gold star badge decals they give kids when they take a tour of the Sherrif's HQ?

  19. chascates

    This is, after all, the state that allowed BOTH the Japanese to attack us AND convinced McDonald's to serve Spam.

  20. An_Outhouse

    Did a record label sign the Insane Arpaio Posse or did they have to set up a Kickstart project for their next CD?

  21. SorosBot

    We've laughed at the birthers' attempts to uncover the time-traveling Democrat party conspiracy to make Obama born in America retroactively, but now that Rush Limbaugh has discovered how Democrats went back to the early 90s to create a Batman villain named Bane, which sounds just like Bain, so that The Dark Knight Rises would damage Mitt Romney's chance of winning the election, we know the time-traveling Democrat conspiracy is real!

  22. Preferred Customer

    A very reasonable maxim for living life is "never listen to a guy with a mustache." Sorry, Mike Zullo.

  23. mavenmaven

    They didn't speak to the 95 year old, they were only allowed to listen in to tapes of an interview with him. "Republicans" and "tapes" in the same sentence pretty much says it all to me.

  24. GeorgiaBurning

    This is the long-form version of "I know a guy who told me his cousin has proof that …" How soon until drivers who get pulled over in Maricopa County need to show secret birth certificate codes, along with license, registration and passport?

  25. HempDogbane

    And some people say government can't do anything right. Sheriff Joe sure proves them wrong !

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      They need to shrink his government down a wee bit more before they can fit him in that bathtub…

  26. Guppy

    Remember: if you don't give full faith and credit to a Hawaiian birth certificate, you hate the Constitution.

      1. Guppy

        As you may recall, Negroes are exactly why there's the Full Faith and Credit Clause to begin with.

  27. LesBontemps

    Zullo said a writer who published a book about Obama's birth certificate and was aiding investigators let them listen to an interview he conducted with the former state worker.

    Dollars to donuts says it's Jerome Corsi.

  28. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If Obama was never born that means that he is really just a giant fetus, which means that republicans should love him? Gah! My head hurts.

  29. ChapterUndVerse

    “President Obama was born in Honolulu, and his birth certificate is valid,” [a spokesman] said in a statement. “Regarding the latest allegations from a sheriff in Arizona, they are untrue, misinformed, and misconstrue Hawaii law willfully.”


  30. SayItWithWookies

    The truth is in there. And eventually Sherrif Joe's gonna get so deep into it that he'll be looking out from between his own teeth.

  31. Vecchiojohn

    “Regarding the latest allegations from a sheriff in Arizona, they are untrue, misinformed, and misconstrue Hawaii law.”

    Bureaucratic double talk. What are they hiding?

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Who you gonna believe? Some faceless bureaucrat in exotic Hawaii or Sheriff Batman and his 95 year old Robin?

  32. MilwaukeeKent

    It will be a really strange moment when even Arpaio doesn't understand what Arpaio is trying to do anymore. He'll be calling his next press conference to argue with himself as two distinct personalities.

    1. Barrelhse

      Joe used to watch a lot of Cowboy shows on television while he was growing up in Springfield, MA.

  33. Limeylizzie

    The best birthday present I have ever received was my beloved MrLimeylizzie singing "Happy Birthday" from his hospital bed in Los Angeles. He is back to normal and is awesome!

  34. ttommyunger

    "…allegations from a sheriff in Arizona, they are untrue, misinformed, and misconstrue Hawaii law.” Those native types are so quaint: all those words just to say "Bullshit".

  35. Tundra Grifter

    Next week, Sheriff Joe's volunteer posse is expected to release its report documenting its investigation of the terrible sexual assult on Jerry Sandusky by packs of young boys.

  36. Dildeaux

    I bet you didnt know that Barry Soweto has a fraudulent SS# also!!1!

    Yup, his number is actually the number shared by a guy who lived six decades ago in the US northeast.

    This CT is actually true. The willfully ignorant play along, cause SS#'s are…wait for it…recycled.

  37. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    Zullo said investigators previously didn’t know the meaning of codes but they were explained by a 95-year-old former state worker who signed the president’s birth certificate

    Unless this 95-year-old former state worker is claiming that she knowingly committed fraud when she signed it, or that she signed it in 1993, I'm not sure how exactly you get from "we found the Department of Health official who certified the birth certificate 50 years ago, and relied on the information she gave us," to "and therefore it must be a fake", by way of logic.

  38. elburritodeluxe

    From The Republic's article:

    While Arpaio's investigators were in Hawaii for 10 days, they located a former local registrar who might have written coding on the copy of Obama's birth certificate posted on the White House website. The woman is now 95 years old.

    After the team's return from Hawaii, a national leader in the so-called birther movement who has worked with the sheriff's volunteer investigators placed a call to the woman, pretending to be a news reporter. The woman, who Zullo referred to as "amazingly sharp," told the fake reporter that the numbers on Obama's birth certificate were inconsistent with the time and place of his birth.

    Her information, other inconsistencies investigators said they discovered in documents posted on the White House website and the refusal of Hawaii officials to let Arpaio's investigators inspect the original birth certificate led the team to conclude the document is a fraud.

    The team also discovered information that they said caused concern about Hawaii's lax standards for verifying where children are born or where their parents live.

    Read more:

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Nine of those 10 days were probably spent on the beach with Donald Chump's investigators and umbrella drinks.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      "The team also discovered information that they said caused concern about Hawaii's lax standards for verifying where children are born or where their parents live. "

      AZ has lax standards too. Or better put, AZ lacks standards. I am sure the good people of AZ are proud to fund sheriff Joe's trip down the rabbit hole.

  39. Tundra Grifter

    At the risk of taking these residents of Wingnutzistan-stan-stan seriously, a clerk went over the document, checked the entries, and wrote in pencil simple numeric codes for data entry purposes.

    Box 7g. asks "Is Resident on a Farm of Plantation?" There are two choices: "Yes" and "No." "No" is checked, and someone wrote in pencil "2."

    Box 11 "Birthplace" (of Father). Entry is "Kenya, East Africa." Penciled "2." "1" would be "Within the United States" and "2" would be "Outside the United States."

    Box 14 "Race" (of Mother). Penciled code is "1." Duh! Of course Caucasian is the first race on the list of possible choices.

    Other boxes in which the information has not been filled have a "0" in pencil – meaning, no information provided.

    This "code" is not exactly the ENIGMA.

  40. pdiddycornchips

    Joe (and others like him) are not just birthers, they're zombie birthers. They refuse to die.

    Your move Donald.

  41. Fraudulently_Joe

    I have a numerical code for you to decipher, Sherrif Joe:

    01000111 01101111 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110010 01100001 01100011 01101001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100 01100010 01100001 01100111

  42. NellCote71

    A sheriff in Arizona is spending his state's time and resources in Hawaii, why? Isn't this the same state that lets people die rather than providing Medicaid?

  43. owhatever

    Thanks for clearing that up, Joe. Hard to believe, but you are making Arizona look bad.

  44. Schmegeg

    Jesus. I am all for a civil society, but when will it be appropriate to deal with these people with blunt instruments?

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