FRIED CHICKEN AND GASOLINE  5:49 pm July 17, 2012

Here Is How You Do Your Non-Apology Apology For Fried-Chicken-Related Racist Facebook Posts, GOP

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Are you having a bummer of a day? Maybe work seems like it will never end, or maybe your lumbago is flaring, or maybe it’s just that a black man is president. In any of those cases, we have a hilarious Facebook post from the Rutland County, Vermont, GOP to make you feel better!

Just wanted to let you know — today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Watch for yours soon.

Hah hah hah chortle wheeze KLUNK. WE DIED. But it seems that some stupid sensitive Democrat pantywaists found this, for some reason, “offensive.” Well, here, thanks to the Rutland County, Vermont, GOP, is how to apologize to them!

I totally regret that some members of the Democratic party* were offended** by the satirical post*** on this page yesterday. There were some that commented on the post that they did not see how the possibly inflammatory comments were anything other political commentary. This page is not the original author**** and the intent was to show the author’s frustration at the current economic situation***** that he/she finds themselves in.

I realize now that there are those that were deeply offended and for that I am very saddened****** and I will make sure that our editoral process will result in posts to our pages that reflect the spirit of good natured political discussions. My hope is that we can get back to the critical dialog necessary to move Vermont and the US back towards economic prosperity.*******

Put on your Parsing Hats, everyone, we got Text to consider!

* Only pussy Democrats

** were “offended” — the term of art in every non-apology apology, viz., I’m sorry your face got in the way of my fist.

*** Dudes. Satire. Like Mark Twain, Joseph Heller, and Jonathan Swift!

**** Fuck you, we didn’t even write it, so why are you getting all up on us just for distributing it?

***** You know who else was “frustrated”? No, not him: this gal! Frustration turns people into unfunny, blithe racists. Science fact!

****** Oh right, saddened. But still not actually “sorry.”

******* Why won’t those other people have a proper dialogue while we are making fried chicken jokes at them? Is it because they are on welfare? PROBABLY.

Oh, the other thing you will want to do is delete your youface page entirely, apparently. We guess that’s step two.

Non-apology apology, you’ve been PARSED! [TheGrio]

 
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{ 263 comments }

Texan_Bulldog July 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I don't understand the cornbread mix reference but I do know, based on the size of a lot of the Tea Party folks on Rascals, that they've never met a piece of fried chicken they didn't like.

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Maybe saying watermelon would be too obvious?

sati_demise July 17, 2012 at 9:02 pm

or biscuits or gravy or french fry or …….oops, got to go !

Warwhatgoodfor July 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm

get it with some of that sausage gravy with fried chopped up chicken livers mixed in, and you are in 500 pound can't walk without a scooter waiting for my arteries to finally give out heaven. Yumm!!

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 1:08 am

Yeah…I guess they were being tasteful and not racist with that stuff. Now had they included refernces to grape soda, grape koolaid and filing for bankruptcy that would have been obvious. You know, it's getting to the point where getting pissed at Republicans for their forays into offensive racism is a lot like getting upset at a Palin for smearing shit on his/her face. It's going to happen…it's who they are so instead of trying to make them apologize so Faux Nuuuuz can give them handjobs of consolation…we should just print these out and distribute them into affected minority and non-racist white communities. After they lose election after election everywhere but Texas, Mississippi, Louisianna and Alabama they'll fucking learn to stop being pigfucking white supremacists.

Chill_Bill July 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Keep fucking that KFC, GOPers. Hate and clogged arteries will catch up with you sooner or later…

sewollef July 18, 2012 at 8:30 am

Well of course, when KFC decided to 'rebrand' and drop the 'Fried' part of Kentucky Fried Chicken and shorten the whole name to its acronym, a screenwriter friend of ours suggested that they should just call it, Kentucky 'F' Chicken.

Thereby leaving it open for people to choose the most suitable word to replace the 'F'.

It was funny when he said it at the time.

nounverb911 July 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I've been growing tomatoes since before Reagan went senile.

OneDollarJuana July 17, 2012 at 6:01 pm

The only good tomatoes any more are those you grow yourself because Republican farmers.

Chill_Bill July 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Since the mid-seventies then?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I was guessing 1942.

Chill_Bill July 17, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I think it actually happened after he defeated the Nazis.

flamingpdog July 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Or 1492.

INDIA! INDIA! INDIA!

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Yeah, that's the only part I didn't quite get. Wouldn't watermelon seeds have been more apt?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

You would think, but tomatoes are red, like all good Communist, and they are fruit, meaning they are teh ghayez, and eaten by Italians, meaning they are loved by organized crime. Plus, like Obama, I'm sure they originated in Kenya.

Don't know what this has to do with a prayer rug, though, but it is hard to keep up with today's racist.

Crank_Tango July 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Worse, didn't they actually come up illegally from south america? Tomatoes, I mean.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

As did Mitt Romney's family…,

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Tomatoes are a fruit? I thought ketchup was a vegetable.

nounverb911 July 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

So was Reagan.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

You see, that is just what the mainstream media wants you to think.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:12 pm

The prayer rug is teh muzlin.

ibwilliamsi July 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

They weren't the original authors. I suspect that they edited watermelon seeds to tomato seeds, etc…

Gratuitous World July 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

"two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster"

*put items in a bowl. cover it in gravy. Melt some cheese.* Rutland County GOP will eat that shit up.

*take your insulin*

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 1:10 am

Yes and make sure you include frying it all in Crisco first…they'll eat that shit faster than Chris Christie would eat a triple chocolate heart attack guaranteed on a stick piece of fried dogshit…or something…I mixed up my metaphors trying to consider what a gross pig Governor Moobsie is…

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Tomato seeds???

flamingpdog July 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

♪ You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to re-tard-o. ♪

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Watch it, you!

pdiddycornchips July 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Could that be a gratuitous shot at Michelle for her veggie garden? Seems a bridge too far for the mentally challenged readers of the Vermont GOP blog.

GunToting[Redacted] July 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Both of them?

rickmaci July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Don't you just hate it when racists go all clever and subtle. Give me the burning cross/white sheets crowd any day.

sewollef July 18, 2012 at 8:32 am

Exactly. They should just call a spade a spade, right?

Crank_Tango July 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I thought it was a nod to how they are all insane and hoarding seeds and shit because Nobamacare=teh zombies (blahs) r tookin over!!!

va_real July 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

That's some pretty lame racism, right there, y'all. Shoulda said watermelon seeds…

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Apparently, it did, originally. Some racist edited it to "tomato seeds" anaconda the blatant racism.

johnnyzhivago July 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Rutland County, Vermont – this drone attack is for you!

tbogg July 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm

That was as yummy as a styrofoam cup containing mashed potatoes, gravy, cheese, corn, and fried chicken testicles.

Texan_Bulldog July 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I think I saw Andrew Zimmern eat that on Bizarre Foods the other night (seriously, I love that show and I have no reason why).

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I've heard of Turkey Testicles Tempura, but ^^ this ^^ is ridiculous.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm

You, friend, could use a New Avatar.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Yaknow, dollink? Ya could be right.

How ya doin' sweetie? Killer heat wave's over.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Oh, I think that it's You.

Heat wave's not over quite yet…Here and even in the Bay. Truly vile weather.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Perfect!

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Thank you. It's awesome. Got an ATM in it's chest and little dollar sign antennae.

Joshua Norton July 17, 2012 at 7:10 pm

What's Mr. TBogg doing hanging around this joint? Shouldn't you be blogging snark at your own place?

Warwhatgoodfor July 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

you got chicken testicles? Sheeeeeit. I been screwed out of the best part.

bumfug July 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

"Sorry you weenies got all butt-hurt" was rejected as sounding "too sincere".

Boredw/Gravitas July 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

We'll soon have soothing up-the-butt smoke though.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Sounds kinda nice, dunnit?

ibwilliamsi July 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Depends upon the smoke.

WhatTheHolyHeck July 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Some of their best friends own fried chicken franchises.

OurHoboSenator July 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Vermont? But that's one of our BEST states!

nounverb911 July 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Is Vermont the state with the license plate motto: "Eat Ben & Jerry's or Die"?

va_real July 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Because Ben & Jerry's makes you immortal.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Or immoral. .

Yeah, yeah … the megamoms will boycott, etc. etc. Fucktards will have nothing to eat pretty soon, which may be a good thing.

va_real July 17, 2012 at 11:00 pm

But what's the immoral part?

sudsmckenzie July 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Home of the border "Safety Rest Stop-Liquor Store", I concur.

kittensdontlie July 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I concur! Wait, I thought you said Vermouth…

thedeathofirony July 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

But it's Rutland, the armpit of VT.

sudsmckenzie July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Throw in some 'firearms' references and it could have been "he who cannot be named".

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Voldemort didn't need a gun — he had the Elder Wand.

sudsmckenzie July 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I wish I was only talking about Voldemort.

anniegetyerfun July 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Nerd.

Native_of_SL_UT July 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The Governor of Florida has an elder wand?

UW8316154 July 17, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Isn't that some sort of weird Mormon thingy?

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

"Some of our best donors own Democrats."

Barb July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I bet they Double Down on this soon.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Hey! Barb's here!

We miss Barb.

Barb July 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Hi Sweetie, good to see you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

As long as they don't get tangled up with the long arm of the slaw.

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Hush, puppy.

Barb July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I wish I would have thought of that Vecchiojohn.

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm

That's OK. We'll credit it to your account. Cheers.

Barb July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

That was really funny, Lionel.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Seriously, I always loved KFC coleslaw. The rest, not so much.

(It must have been the chopping of the cabbage into such small bits that it's unrecognizable as a vegetable, and the HFCS in the dressing making it so, so sweet.)

Barb July 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I have the Top Secret Recipe book just so I could learn how to make their slaw. The recipe really nails it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Do share!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm

KFC makes one of the better mass consumption slaws out there. I also think Ivar's does a good job. When ever you eat something greasy, it is just nice to have the slaw to clear the pallet.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Clear the pallet? Jeez …. how much of this stuff are you eating??!!?!

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Beautiful.

SexySmurf July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Shorter: The one Republican in Vermont says something racist; offends the one black person in Vermont.

Blunderthing July 17, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Yeah, It's getting harder and harder to politely say, "Fuck! There's a nigger in the White House! Get yer white ladies in the root cellar and get out yer torches!" Of course, in the past, the apology for that was: "I am sorry that some niggers find that dragging them out of their homes, throwing a rope over a limb and hanging them is offensive, but we certainly do not condone that this Wednesday at midnight near the big elm way far out in the country. Please do not be there wearing your hoods and carrying tar and feathers. We are god fearing people."

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 1:14 am

Well…it's like Lee Atwater said…they can no longer say "N-Bomb, N-Bomb, N-Bomb" with the pitch and tone of the Bodysnatchers…that "backfires" so they have to try and be sneaky little racist shitheels and speak in code…forced busing, states rights and welfare queens, etc. The media is so fucking corrupt and chasing-its-own-tail dumb that they never trot out that little Lee Atwater clipping everytime some smug fuckface says "uppity" or whatever…which is truly a crime. That entire quote should be printed on a shirt and sold to enrage these pants pissers…

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Could you give me a link to the quote? I have an idea for a tee shirt …

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 19, 2012 at 1:04 am

Okay, sure:

Atwater: You start out in 1954 by saying, "Nigger, nigger, nigger." By 1968 you can't say "nigger" — that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states' rights and all that stuff. You're getting so abstract now [that] you're talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you're talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me — because obviously sitting around saying, "We want to cut this," is much more abstract than even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than "Nigger, nigger"

Source: Wikipedia. You'd have to condense it, but that's pretty much how the GOP behaves politically in a nutshell.

FlownOver July 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Lucky them – they inhabit a world in which this bafflegab "satirical post" is meaningful. To me it sounds like Sarah Palin on meth (i.e., it sounds like Sarah Palin.)

The real surprise is that the Rutland County Republicans would go near anything with "book" in its name, even if it isn't actually a "book.".

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm

You know who else used to be really good with satire?

redarmyzombie July 18, 2012 at 5:31 am

Oscar Wilde?

sbj1964 July 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I LOVE SNARKY! No really that was funny.People are @ssholes get over it.The PC agenda sucks.

sudsmckenzie July 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I loved it too, I just wish they would have added "now point me towards Mecca" at the end.

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

You know, your mom said the same thing. It was hard to understand her with all the spunk she was gargling, but it was pretty much the same thing.

Crank_Tango July 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

The PC agenda totally sucks! Mac RULES 4 EVAR!!

herp a derp derp derp, also.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Leave out the KFC, and it is pretty funny, especially by wingnut humor standards.
But ask yourself: why is KFC in there?

ibwilliamsi July 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm

The R-tard's idea of "snark" sucks!

Negropolis July 18, 2012 at 12:56 am

Bless your heart.

flamingpdog July 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

KFC = Keep Fuckingthat Chicken?

Billmatic July 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

HOW DO YOU NOT BLAME IT ON BUSH!>:!>!>!@WLHJal;jqsfal'sdjfasdfas

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

(Pats Billmatic's back) Now, now. Let's not blow a blood vessel. We need you around to fight the good fight. Don't let them get to ya.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Bush doesn't even know how to plant tomatoes.

Jukesgrrl July 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

I'll bet he knew how to plant weed once. But he didn't need to since he was rich enough to pay Mama's drive to scoot over the border and get him some good stuff.

Madam Killjoy July 17, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Because that man * has been in office for almost four years… he owns his own mess. And don't forget,t he housing mess was forced down the bank's throats by Democrats. This played a huge role in the recession.**

* who is blackity black blah
** Actual wingnut response to your very question via a Facebook friend

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

True … I remember those statutes written by Barney Frank, requiring the use of liar loans, teaser rates, balloon payments, and inflated property valuations. I read about it on the interwebs.

Madam Killjoy July 17, 2012 at 10:08 pm

No, no, no… the banks are VICTIMS in this. The Community Reinvestment Act allowed those people who don't deserve loans to get them. It doesn't matter that the CRA came to be a mere 35 years ago and that it has zero to do w/ the housing bubble and the utter criminality of the mortgage industry. Those who got a loan they couldn't afford or didn't understand are at fault, not the banks, because for true wingers, it's about race, always. Even if the little guy is crushed in the process. I knew this country was racist, but it took Obama's election to show me just how bad it really is.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Why are the wingers always going on about having things shoved down their throats?

sbj1964 July 17, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Because they prefer things shoved in they're @sses! It's a GOP thing.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I'm sorry that you nigras don't get my awesome sense of humor, because you're too busy playing the race card in between cashing your government free stuff welfare checks and eating fried chicken with grape soda. In Spanish, also too.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I think you should be a Racist-English translator fulltime. I know the pay sucks, but AMERICA NEEDS YOU!

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

And smokin' menthols.

MissTaken July 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I needs some motherfucking iced tea in this joint!

Hammiepants July 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

It was a "Social Security" stimulus package? Uh oh, someone with the diabeetus is cranky because he hasn't had his nap and those kids won't get off his lawn.

anniegetyerfun July 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Eh, it said "discount coupons to KFC". That's probably code for "all you can drink gravy" and the only part of the Care Package that the writer really wanted.

weejee July 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Dey gotta grease da shoot. bang…

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm

AAAGH! My arteries just tried to bolt from the room.

Working link.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Dear deities of the seventh hell.

Billmatic July 18, 2012 at 10:19 am

mmmm, delicious gravy as a beverage…

poorgradstudent July 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

The thing is they are never even good at making racist jokes.

I mean…tomatoes and cornbread? That's a black thing? And if you're going to bring up KFC you might as well go all the way and bring up grape soda.

Native_of_SL_UT July 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Hell, KFC doesn't even sell watermelons.

miss_grundy July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I always thought it was a cracker thing. Don't those people eat fried green tomatoes?

redarmyzombie July 18, 2012 at 5:36 am

Sadly, yes, I can attest to that…

Warwhatgoodfor July 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm

no orange? Damn, what has this world come to?

Oblios_Cap July 18, 2012 at 8:29 am

Will nobody think about the Moon Pies and RC Colas? They're the real victims here.

Native_of_SL_UT July 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

My hope is that we can get back to the critical dialog necessary to move Vermont and the US back towards economic prosperity.

You're the assholes that got us off the "critical dialog" in the first place, dickhead.

weejee July 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

♪♫ Oh de Teatard race crack dey makes out loud
Do dar, do dar
Oh da silly race crackers are just such clowns
Oh de do dar dazed ♫♪

Nostrildamus July 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Hey GOP, guess what % of the minority vote you're getting this year?
Hint: it looks like your asshole!

flamingpdog July 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Allen West? Slappy Thomas?

Boojum July 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

"Caked with dried santorum" is not a percentage.

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I thought dried santorum was called sununu.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm

ZOMG. Hie thee to The Urban Dictionary, QUICK!

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

You should post a link so Sununu and Company can goatse for themselves.

Nostrildamus July 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Just scan my avatar.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

It looks like a gaping hole with a 12 inch dildo all the way in?

pdiddycornchips July 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

The GOP has grown so accustomed to peppering their language with racist dog whistles that occasionally they forget to use code words and release their inner cracker for all the world to see.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Also, too, (see also Tweets from earlier today), they seem to forget that the "intertubes" is a public place, and that not ONLY fellow Republicans can see the shit you post there. D'oh!

Chet Kincaid July 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I don't recognize you without you telling everyone in general and me in particular what fools we are for supporting Obama. What's wrong with you?!

RadioSlut July 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Clearly, this is an attack on Allen West.

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Send Allen West money now please.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

A check for one cent will cost them how much in paperwork?

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I like the way you think.

Jukesgrrl July 18, 2012 at 12:12 am

And don't forget to send it in an envelope that's postage-paid by the GOP.

Beowoof July 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Stupid is not just for Southern Republicans anymore. They can expect their shipment of Carolina Mills (made in China) white sheets any moment now.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

These maroons should be SO FUCKING GRATEFUL that Barack Obama believes in the Rule of Law and upholds their constitutional right to be assholes freedom of speech, because DRONES SMASH FLAT YATA YATA WITH VOTES.

Chow Yun Flat July 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Dear Rutland County GOP:

Don't delete your Facebook page. Delete your face–it's ugly.

Signed,

Your biggest fan

flamingpdog July 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

And their Book? It's a fairy tale.

Chet Kincaid July 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Just wanted to let you know — today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Watch for yours soon.

That is the pithiest example of American White Folks Psychosis I have seen. Well-done, Mystery Author!

poorgradstudent July 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

The only thing missing was a hint of phobia over the effeminization/homonizaton of the Anglo-Saxon race, but the phrase "up my butt" comes kind of close.

Butch_Wagstaff July 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

"…a machine to blow smoke up my butt…"
That thing must have been HUGE.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

You've gotta admit, execution-wise, it's pretty good.

Angry_Marmot July 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Pith on them.

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

There are Republicans in Vermont? Weird!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:31 pm

And apparently that one Republican is a racist.

Or, I should say, that one Republican is a Republican.

b[redact]opple July 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Most of them are old/dead, but yes, absolutely.

Nesnora July 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Weird. My package was different.

Just wanted to let you know — today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tickets to The Book of Mormon, margarita mix, a college loan, a machine to blow orgasms up my twat, 2 oz of weed and a heathcare voucher, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were translated for all Americans. Watch for yours soon.

Native_of_SL_UT July 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I feel robbed. I got my stimulus package here in Utah and all it had was a Book of Mormon and and 55 gallon drum full of something I can't identify from EnergySolutions. No instructions at all.

Caelan Aegana July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Probably the leftovers from EnergySolutions' stock meltdown last month…

(You think it's icky now, wait until the new CEO neglects all pretense of caring about the business, because "he's a money guy". I'm looking for a new job…)

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Was he installed by Bain Capital?

Caelan Aegana July 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Hrm. Apparently the email reply feature still needs some work. Break out the nitrous and pliers!

Limeylizzie July 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Excellent, I hope mine is in the mail.

SoBeach July 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

No watermelon reference? What the hell?

Oh right. Vermont. Stupid yankees.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard July 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

That post was finger flickin' good! Here's two for you, Rutland County Vermont Republican.

Butch_Wagstaff July 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I have one finger for them and it ain't the pinky.

ibwilliamsi July 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Good thing you greased them up good on the KFC. They're a bit anal retentive.

weejee July 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Likely, they are just having a serious sad over the new ghey Oreo ad campaign. Yeah, that newz is 3 weeks olde, but this is Vermont we're talking about.

Callyson July 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Hey, Mittens, here's your apology:

I totally regret that some members of the Republican party* were offended** by the examination of Mitt Romney's business record*** in the media finally. There were some that commented on the that they did not see how the factual observations and calls for deeper inquiry were anything other political commentary…
I realize now that there are those that were deeply offended and for that I am very saddened****** and I will make sure that our campaign will result in posts to our pages that reflect the spirit of tucking questions under the rug, or at least limiting discussion of them to a quiet room somewhere. My hope is that we can get rid of the Party of No so that we can finally do what is necessary to move the US back towards economic prosperity.*******

/done

CountryClubJihadi July 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I bet I'll have to see that post 50 more times as "FW:FW:FW: 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package" when I clean up my mom's AOL account. Fuck. Me.

OneYieldRegular July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

F(the)W.

Jennyjen798 July 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Well I first saw that appear on every wingnut's facebook page that I personally know about two weeks ago. I live in Texas with former in laws in Arizona and Utah, so that was many, many times. :P We're probably in the eye of the storm right now, the slower wingnuts who pick it up from this new hoopla will be posting it, then it will die.

CountryClubJihadi July 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I checked my Mom's AOL mail just in case, and there was an email from "The Scooter Store" about a "free mobility consultation". Kill me now.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Srsly? That's fuckin hilarious.

fuflans July 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

i feel for you. sorry 50 times over.

kissawookiee July 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

If the GOP obsession with cornbread, fried chicken, and grape soda is any indicator, I apparently spent a good long stretch of my childhood blah.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:42 pm

"I was born a poor blah child …"

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

OT, but BREAKING NEWS!!

We are saved! This recession is destined to be over soon, now that the Bush Institute and Our Beloved MBA Ex-President have just now released their first book on the most Critical Issue of our Day – Economic Growth. With a forward by Bush 43 and a collection of the leading lights of Chicago School Economics, "The 4 % Solution: Unleashing the Growth America Needs" is sure to be a winner in Our National Conversation and a hit at the Republican Convention.

Do not confuse this book with The Seven Per Cent Solution. This book is clearly a masterwork of economic theory not seen since Laffer published The Curve Theory.

A snip from the review from Talkingpoints Memo: "…ideas floated in the book include: extending the Bush-era tax cuts, lowering the corporate tax rate and expanding the tax base." Now, that's new!

The 4% Solution is being sold on Amazon Books.You can Get it Now! Sadly, no one has reviewed it yet.

There's also a Twitter hashtag, #4percent should you want to join in on all the Trickley-Downy Fun

Native_of_SL_UT July 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Seriously? George W Bush writing a book about Economic growth is like Jeffery Dahmer writing a diet book.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 6:48 pm

George W Bush writing a book about Economic growth is like Tony Hayward writing a manual on how to speak to the Media during a catastrophe.

sudsmckenzie July 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

You know who Else had a "Solution"?

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

The Khmer Rouge?

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Angkar will *not* be mocked, CREATURE!

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Watt!?

BarackMyWorld July 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm

My high school chemistry teacher?

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

My H.S. PChem teacher had the solution, but I was part of the precipitate.

MittBorg July 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Not the problem, then? A catalyst?

Butch_Wagstaff July 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

"Sadly, no one has reviewed it yet."
Oh, just wait, I'm sure the positive reviews will start flooding in soon enough.

Nesnora July 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

What the fuck is with those people and SimCity…

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

they find it easy to masturbate to.

Nostrildamus July 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I want to hear what's in Michele Bachmann's stimulus package.

Tundra Grifter July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

It ain't Marcus.

Barrelhse July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The Muslim Brotherhood.

fitley July 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Thorazine?

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

One can only hope.

Butch_Wagstaff July 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

State fair corn dogs.

ibwilliamsi July 17, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Two pair False eyelashes, 1 gallon Mary Kay Foundation, 6 pack of Haldol, a "hand-held neck massager", and a Thomas Kinkade poster.

shortsandpants July 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Just because somebody is FOR white supremacy doesn't make them…. Wait, what?

Gopherit July 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm

The KKK does some of the best satire! Who doesn't love a burning church?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 10:06 pm

That's one of my favorite Kinkade paintings.

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It seems to me that the intent was to show the author's frustration that black and Spanish-speaking people exist.

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Shut up and speak English, FFS!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

At some point, you would think that Conservatives would realize that their attempts to disguise their racism and hatred for all things non-Anglo-Saxon actually make things worse. Might as well just say "Obama is a bad president because he is a nigger." and be honest about your beliefs. Leave the comedy to the professionals.

Extemporanus July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

♪♫ On the first day of Kwanzaa, my true love gave to me… ♪♫

Tundra Grifter July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Rebecca:

In Vermont and New Hampshire the only thing they parse are the mashed potatoes.

OneYieldRegular July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

"My hope is that we can get back to the critical dialog necessary to move Vermont and the US back."

Done.

DemmeFatale July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Republicans:
You. Can. Not. Do. Funny.
Ever.

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Wot, no homosexual agenda?

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I think the "up the butt" reference does double duty.

fitley July 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm

That's for another day another blog. Baggers are mono-haters. One intolerance at a time. They can't even make a noose and light a cross at the same time.

An_Outhouse July 18, 2012 at 7:59 am

Maybe that was the tomato inference. Tomatoes are a fruit, right?

Mumbletypeg July 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

TAGGED: FRIED CHICKEN AND GASOLINE

I didn't realize when southern culture hit the skids it was capable of dragging bucolic, progressiveish New England in its wake~

radio-of-owls July 17, 2012 at 8:46 pm

We Yankees have a heroic vein of some of the most poisonous racism you've ever seen. But in some ways these attitudes seem more Hobbesian than our duller, simpler Southern brethren, because it's a war of all against all that is based as much on ethnicity as on 'race'/color. By the time I was eight, I could both identify your ethnic background and call you the relevant slur without batting an eye.

It is curious though that these Vermontonians feel compelled to hate something they've never seen before. I wonder if they circulate hateful emails with cracks about anchor baby-ing, job stealing and drug lording in reference to chupacabras.

12X34X July 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Who needs instructions for a "Blame it on Bush " poster for the front yard? Jeez.

CommieLibunatic July 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hatred… overwhelming…! Urge to skullfuck (w/votes!)… rising…!!

*EMERGENCY COOLDOWN CUTENESS*

Jeri 2.0 July 17, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Holy crap! The frame that video starts on looks like kitteh will be nothing but a fond memory.

Thanks for that, because hatred… overwhelming…! Urge to skullfuck (w/votes!)… rising…!! for me too, also.

MissTaken July 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm
C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Thanks, that helps!

As does this: Impossibly Cute Interspecies Kissy Face.

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Thank you. Sigh.

Callyson July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Slightly O/T, from HuffyPo:

The right-leaning National Review Online released an editorial Tuesday arguing that Romney may not be required legally to release his tax returns, but that at this point, he needs to do so anyway.
"It is to President Obama's advantage to fight the election out over tactics and minutiae," the editors wrote. "By drawing out the argument over the returns, Romney is playing into the president's hands. He should release them, respond to any attacks they bring, and move on."

Damn, some of them are catching on…

Chow Yun Flat July 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"right-leaning National Review Online"

Leaned so far it fell right over.

MissTaken July 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

a machine to blow smoke up my butt,

Where can I find a 'smoke up my butt machine'? I'm asking for a friend.

Chet Kincaid July 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Are you trying to steam the Wonkette patch off your ass?

kittensdontlie July 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Any arabic store will have Islamic-radical issue hookahs, modified …oh I don't really know, I was just blowing smoke up….

smokefilledroommate July 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm

They're not as tough to find as those machines that blow sunshine up your ass.

chascates July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

"I'm sorry some people found my efforts to rid Europe of the Jewish race somehow inappropriate. It seems there are those who find diversity in population more important than the true Teutonic ideal. I hope we can get back to our true enemy, the godless Stalinists."

GeorgiaBurning July 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Old material, folks. Minus points for lacking watermelon, African, and gun references. We expect more here at Vern's Chuckle Hut on open mic Tuesday, domestic pitchers $7.50, and 10% off with military or NRA ID.

Joshua Norton July 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Neez moar dick jokes.

MissTaken July 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Stimulus Package…heh heh.

randcoolcatdaddy July 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I got a report from my Republican Congressman today on what he's been up to. It contained a bill for two wars the government couldn't pay for, a Homeland Security department that doesn't work, and tax breaks for Mitt Romney and Company. Oh, yeah, and there was a nice letter saying that if I needed healthcare, abortion, or wished to practice my pagan Islamist homosexual religion that I could kiss his ass.

I'd rather have tomato seeds.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Earliest reference I can find is from Nov 18 2011:

"Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a
machine to blow smoke up your ass and 10 coupons to KFC. The
directions were in Spanish."

Somebody toned down the racism because it was too overt.

One_Man_Band July 17, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Ah, I knew there was something wrong with the inclusion of tomato seeds. That explains that.

bobbert July 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

That's pretty amazing, that someone would bother to do that.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Tomatoes? check. Cornbread? check. Prayer rug? meh. KFC coupons? yes please! Machine to blow smoke up my ass? Sounds AWESOME! Obama bumper sticker? check. "Blame it on Bush" sign for the yard? Almost as awesome as smoke up my ass!

Does this make me black?

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

A machine to blow smoke up my ass? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

ttommyunger July 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

What, no "cramming it down our throat" reference? Oh well, I guess we'll just have to settle for the buttsecks thingy with the smoke machine. These people…

fuflans July 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm

when my bff and i have to say sorry, we always say "over-served".

as complete deniability goes, it works pretty well – and way better than EVER being 'saddened'.

UW8316154 July 17, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I'm reserving judgment until if I found how this affects $arah Palin.

smokefilledroommate July 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Today I received my GOP Stimulus Package. It was an empty box with a note inside that read, "Fuck You– You Ain't Rich, So Eat Shit!"

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm

and an invoice for the postage

smokefilledroommate July 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

beautiful.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

We all got a nice note from the vice President's Office in January 2001, after a terribly divisive election season and controversial Supreme Court decision. It said, simply:

"Go Fuck Yourself."

VinnyThePooh July 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Rutland is the asshole of the Green Mountains.

Madam Killjoy July 17, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Not sure why everyone is so surprised that Yankees can be rank racists. Vermont may come across as all hippy-like, but there are some for-real mountain folk in that particular neck of New England who don't cotton to the blah folks as much or more so than your Southern Cracker. Sometimes it's the very reason they live in such a white state. See, also, the popularity of the Confederate flag in some parts of Upstate NY.

102415 July 19, 2012 at 2:36 am

I used to wonder about the Upstate NY confederate flag thing plus that weird accent they like to use and then I found out there was a Union prison at Elmira. I think they just stayed put after the war. Binghamton was a huge KKK center in the 1920's.

Madam Killjoy July 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I knew there was a Union prison at Elmira, but I never considered the possibility of the former inmates staying put. Interesting. The Klan was active Downstate as well. Racism, unfortunately, knows no state boundaries.

And, yeah, that Upstate Southern Accent. Very confusing when first encountered.

valthemus July 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

The GOP should just put it at the top of all their letterhead: "… but we're not racists!" (No one will believe them, but it will save them from having to say it over and over and over and over and over and over again.)

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Package needz moar references to "loose change."

What will these individuals do when the president is re-elected? Hopefully, by then, he'll have the FEMA camps up and running, 'cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.

An_Outhouse July 18, 2012 at 7:58 am

Hey, at least they mentioned the DemocratIC party. They must not have gotten them memo, don't read, or don't have a radio tuned to the local 50kW station blasting Rush.

DahBoner July 18, 2012 at 8:20 am

What do you call a chicken with a mental disability???

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2012 at 6:52 pm

A dumb cluck?
Hen-tally deficient?
A typical teatard?

a_pink_poodle July 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

It's like they don't even care anymore! I love it!

DahBoner July 18, 2012 at 9:43 pm

You're not supposed to call them Hendicapped anymore.

They're McNugget Disabled, or something…

emmelemm July 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Z – I – N – G!

An_Outhouse July 18, 2012 at 7:53 am

which? a fruit or a vegetable?

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Chelator.

Barb July 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

* 8 cups finely diced cabbage (about 1 head)
* 1/4 cup diced carrot
* 1/3 cup granulated sugar
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/8 teaspoon pepper
* 1/4 cup milk
* 1/2 cup mayonnaise
* 1/4 cup buttermilk
* 1 1/2 tablespoons white vinegar
* 2 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice
————————————–
If you have tarragon vinegar it is perfect.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Yeah, that's how I passed Chem, too.

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Love me some science nerd.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Snort!

doloras July 17, 2012 at 10:30 pm

No, that's AngKOR.

C_R_Eature July 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Clever Wordplay Attempt decode Fail.

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

You're very well-informed, my dear. Historian?

Jukesgrrl July 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

The taste treat B&J concocted for Jimmy Fallon. (Sold in supermarkets under the name Late Night Snack — don't ask me how I know this.) It has chocolate-covered potato chips in it. If that's not immoral I wasn't raised Irish-Catholic.

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm

It's freezing cold and foggy over here, and it actually *rained* yesterday. I can't remember when we last had rain in fucking July. OTOH, after hearing what y'all been through, I reckon I should STFU and quit whining.

MittBorg July 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

(Hugs the CRE_ature, pats its slimy back) There, there, CRE. It'll be O-tay.

viennawoods13 July 19, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Oh my. Memories of 1981. Love that song!

C_R_Eature July 20, 2012 at 10:48 am

Yeah, me too. I forgot all about that version 'till my subconscious made the connection and I found the video though the wonders of the modern telecom revolution.

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