Here Is How You Do Your Non-Apology Apology For Fried-Chicken-Related Racist Facebook Posts, GOP

Jul 17, 2012

Are you having a bummer of a day? Maybe work seems like it will never end, or maybe your lumbago is flaring, or maybe it's just that a black man is president. In any of those cases, we have a hilarious Facebook post from the Rutland County, Vermont, GOP to make you feel better!

Just wanted to let you know — today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Watch for yours soon.

Hah hah hah chortle wheeze KLUNK. WE DIED. But it seems that some stupid sensitive Democrat pantywaists found this, for some reason, "offensive." Well, here, thanks to the Rutland County, Vermont, GOP, is how to apologize to them!

I totally regret thatsome members of the Democratic party* were offended**by thesatirical post*** on this page yesterday. There were some that commented on the post that they did not see how the possibly inflammatory comments were anything other political commentary. This page isnot the original author**** and the intent was to show the author’sfrustration at the current economic situation***** that he/she finds themselves in.
I realize now that there are those that were deeply offended and for that I am verysaddened****** and I will make sure that our editoral process will result in posts to our pages that reflect the spirit of good natured political discussions. My hope is that we can get back to the criticaldialognecessary to move Vermont and the US back towards economic prosperity.*******

Put on your Parsing Hats, everyone, we got Text to consider!

* Only pussy Democrats

** were "offended" -- the term of art in every non-apology apology, viz., I'm sorry your face got in the way of my fist.

*** Dudes. Satire. Like Mark Twain, Joseph Heller, and Jonathan Swift!

**** Fuck you, we didn't even write it, so why are you getting all up on us just for distributing it?

***** You know who else was "frustrated"? No, not him: this gal! Frustration turns people into unfunny, blithe racists. Science fact!

****** Oh right, saddened. But still not actually "sorry."

******* Why won't those other people have a proper dialogue while we are making fried chicken jokes at them? Is it because they are on welfare? PROBABLY.

Oh, the other thing you will want to do is delete your youface page entirely, apparently. We guess that's step two.