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John McCain Rides To Romney’s Rescue: Sarah Palin Was ‘Better Candidate’

Hey Walnuts, would you perhaps like to ride to the rescue of your party’s current standardbearer, who is at the moment in a spot of bother, by explaining that it was not his unseemly wealth or that he perhaps did not even pay any taxes sometimes (who can ever know? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!) that kept you from choosing His Lord High Hairgel Mittens Romney to be your running mate in your 2008 presidential bid? That instead, it was just because he sucked? You would? Swell! Let us get to it!

Asked why he chose not to go with Romney, McCain said: “Oh come on, because we thought that Sarah Palin was the better candidate. Why did we not take [Tim] Pawlenty, why did we not take any of the other 10 other people. Why didn’t I? Because we had a better candidate, the same way with all the others. … Come on, why? That’s a stupid question.”

Why? We are going to go with “starbursts,” by which we mean “John McCain wanted to pork Sarah Palin and also had lost any sense of integrity or responsibility for the well-being of the nation he professes to love and for which he suffered so faithfully for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN.”

Also: John McCain, Underminer. [Politico]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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262 comments

    1. Terry

      What if he's speaking the truth?

      For whatever reason, once you read Romney's complete background including business records and taxes, you are forced to admit that the Snowbilly is a better candidate.

      What about Romney could make him a worse choice that a no-nothing, mean-as-cat-shit, inexperienced halfwit governor of a state with fewer people than most counties?

      1. sullivanst

        Maybe it wasn't Glenn Beck that murdered that murdered that young girl back in '90. Mitt never denied it either.

      2. actor212

        Yea, but you speak the truth AFTER the guy's lost the biggest election of his life. You don't set out to undermine him before he's even formally the party choice. Even McCain can't be that stupid.

        Can he?

        EDIT: Great.

        I had this thought that McCain, as the last nominee the party put forth, really needs to be ultra-supportive of Mitt now that's he's all but crowned, but then this image of Bert Parks singing "There He Is, Your New Candidate" started forming and it was too late to down a bottle of Jack before images of McCain lifting a tiara off his head and placing it on Mitt, wearing a stunning evening gown with opera length gloves, formed.

      1. Goonemeritus

        If you prick her does she not bleed? If you tickle her does she not laugh? And if you wrong her shall she not revenge?

      1. sullivanst

        ♪♫Let me get my hands
        On your mammary glands♪♫

        Noone'd ever accuse Walnuts of being a Handsome Devil.

      2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        No way, that thing lays eggs. I will give you phylum Chordata but that is as close as we are related.

    1. Terry

      She's honest about being hateful and mean. Romney hides his meanness in the actions of his Bain subordinates.

  1. Hera Sent Me

    "There were plenty of reasons besides his tax returns to reject Romney as a running mate" should be put in the dictionary alongside the definition of "damning with faint praise".

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Those damn removal engineers working on the Snake and Columbia Rivers need to get themselves down to Arizona, pronto.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        It's not very faint, really. More, "damning with loud, repeated damning."

    1. NYNYNYjr

      We didn't even really review his taxes, once we saw his birth certificate, we crossed him off the list.

  2. chicken_thief

    Wow. And he even threw in a TPaw reference without falling aslee.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  3. Goonemeritus

    Sure Mitt doesn’t have Sarah’s gift of quitting half way through a term but you have to give props to Mitt for going back in time and quitting.

    1. HateMachine

      "Mr. Romney, you've been saying out on every possible campaign trail that you've been involved in no decision-making around this corporation for years. Why should we pay you if you do nothing?"

      "You can't fire me, I quit three years ago as of right this second."

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Time travel, as always, presents a paradox: the money is still in his bank account.

  4. GunToting[Redacted]

    "No, we didn't have concerns over Mitt's tax returns, we just really thought that a half-term governor of a state with fewer people than Springfield, MA was a superior candidate compared to Mitt."

    Look for an announcement of Mitt's suicide on the evening news.

    1. Terry

      No, McCain will pass away seemingly gently in his sleep after an afternoon visit by some well groomed young men wearing suits and riding bicycles.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Look for an announcement of Mitt's suicide on the evening news.

      How sad. All those dollars will be lost. Like tears in the rain.

  5. Pragmatist2

    It's all relative. The Republicans selected Romney tis time because he was "less crazy."

  6. JustPixelz

    That's impossible. Sarah Palin never ran a business until she quit gummint and became Sarah Palin™. So how could she be better at anything than the Rombot.?

    1. Terry

      She did, however, have an affair with her husband's snowmobile business partner which certainly counts as being a mover and a shaker in the Wasilla business community.

  7. HogeyeGrex

    That's like saying you picked Hervé Villechaize because he's the better basketball player.

    1. sullivanst

      Well, once he'd mowed down the opposing team with his bowler hat, his side usually dominated…

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      Seriously, that's a crass thing to say. People far too often reference a person's inability to accomplish things in polite society, and that shit has gone far enough.

      It is NOT Sarah's fault Hervé is dead.

  8. Boojum

    This is pretty much the same way that John McCain flew airplanes.

    Off we go, into the wild blue yonder
    Flying high, into the sun.
    Down we come, spouting out flames from under,
    CRASH!

  9. UnholyMoses

    Better candidate = "We were so fucking stupid and clueless that we thought adding a woman to the ticket would magically get all the angry Clinton female voters on board. Also, too: Fappable. For the dudes, ya know."

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, all those are pretty much the same and interchangeable and those ladies just vote based on their vaginas, right?

      1. MissTaken

        Before I enter the voting booth I ask my vagina "who should I vote for?". Oddly enough she always responds with Barack Obama. Makes voting for local city council a little awkward.

      2. UnholyMoses

        C'mon now, Soros. We all know that men are the ones who tend to think with their sexual organs.

        Well, not sure if "think" is the correct term, but … ya know …

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Right on the motherfucking nose. "I'm just angry and calling this a stupid question because the real truth is that we pulled her out of our campaign's ass on a whim."

  10. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Sarah Palin was the better candidate"

    Translation: "Sarah Palin was the candidate with the bigger boobs."

    Addendum: The forgot Chris Christie.

  11. tiredalways

    It just means that he is asking Sarah Palin be nominated at convention. If she was better than Mitt for Veep position, she is definitely better than him this go-around.

  12. Goonemeritus

    Sometimes it’s better to remember our heroes the way they were and not invade their privacy in their senior years.

  13. MissTaken

    I always assumed that the Bestest Candidate Spectrum was from Sarah Palin to Reagan. Thank you McCain for clearing this misunderstanding up.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, both are senile and dye their hair. And Reagan knocked up Nancy out of wed lock. When you think about it, Ronald Reagan = The Palin Clan. Except he read a teleprompter better.

  14. SorosBot

    So McCain hasn't denied the rumor all over the internet that he passed over Romney because of his investment in child sex rings.

      1. actor212

        Well, they were only rumours, but now that you've confirmed the rumours exist, he MUST speak out on them, or it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Some people with limited knowledge of the campaign say that Steve Schmidt stumbled upon something awful occurring in the shower at one of Romney's homes — something which put McCain off Romney entirely for the VP slot. This has not been confirmed on the record, but it raises eyebrows — and questions.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      That was a passive investment, you liberal bastards. His involvement, aside from "owning" the child sex workers on paper, is totally deniable. His lawyers set it up that way. Why don't we move on to the real issues.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Why did we not take [Tim] Pawlenty, why did we not take any of the other 10 other people. Why didn’t I?

    Because, as I recall, none of them really wanted to be your running mate. But hey, don't mind me — keep digging.

      1. fuflans

        i'm beginning to wonder if i am in jest?

        seriously, i thought this guy had far more going for him. at this point all i can see is the republican fund-raising machine (though that is certainly not to be underestimated) and that hard to channel 'anybody but obama' energy.

        romney doesn't have a message, his management skills look incredibly weak, he's a bad speaker, he's politically tone-deaf, he's unlikable, he alienates all but the whitest of blue-bloods and apparently he's got a crappy team backing him up.

        at least palin was only in the VP spot. as scary as that was. (and of course, she was hot).

        1. SayItWithWookies

          The last graf, I think, is the point — Sarah was probably a better VP candidate — I'm not sure Mitt would really think he was only vice president, and John McCain doesn't strike me as having a temperament that abides a whole lot of disagreement.

          1. sullivanst

            John McCain doesn't strike me as having a temperament that abides a whole lot of disagreement.

            At least he doesn't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.

          2. fuflans

            yes of course. my real point was simply that mittbot has (to date) been a far worse presidential candidate than i expected.

            (and may he keep it up.)

          3. ChessieNefercat

            Now that I think of it, there is probably no way that Palin could be a worse candidate than we expected.

        2. Chet Kincaid

          You have to wonder if Obama has some kind of Opponent Derangement Field, like Steve Jobs' Reality Distortion Field. How many people have gone up against Obama and self-destructed?

          Of course, you can't discount the possibility of some kind of hoodoo voodoo mojo because, you know.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            There's a fair amount of self-selection going on … you need to be a bit deranged to want to take him on in the first place.

    1. MissNancyPriss

      Absolutely. I'll say it, she is SMARTER. Sarah Palin is smarter than Mitt Romney. Prove me wrong.

        1. sullivanst

          Also, number of years to obtain undergraduate degree, and number of higher degrees obtained.

          Prestige of institutions attended isn't a fair measure of course, when your Daddy is a sitting governor, and you've been to Cranbrook, you're going to get in anywhere regardless of intellectual capacity. But, of course, a total "boo" to affirmative action!

        2. LetUsBray

          As the blog palingates once set forth, it's by no means conclusive Grifterella even has a bachelor's degree. It's possible she just quit college and called it graduating.

  16. Boojum

    You know, McCain isn't really look at Palin's boobies, as much fun as that would have been. He is reading over her shoulder, looking at her hand, to make sure she says the words they pumped into the vacant places in her skull.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Arizona is full of those corpse baptizers, who otherwise are fine for white people.

      1. Fox n Fiends

        naw…Mike's a "loser". If Rick Perry hadn't run for prez he'd be a perfect choice. Mitt needs an evangelical poster child.

  17. GregComlish

    Interesting that there's no qualifications there. Nothing like "At the time it seemed that Sarah Palin was the better candidate" or "Before she flubbed freebie questions like 'What do you read?' on a national interview forever cementing her reputation as an extraordinary ditz, she seemed like a better candidate." or "Based solely on her tits and ass and ignoring her utterly vapid, witless, rash, petty personality and matching trailer trash family, Palin was the better candidate."

    If McCain still thinks Palin is a better candidate than Romney across the board then God only knows what's in Romney's tax returns.

  18. owhatever

    To counter the "I've Got a Secret" charges, all Mitt has to do is campaign on the economic successes of our last Republican president, Dubya.

  19. Jeri 2.0

    "Because my advisors told me that we needed a vagina to lure in all the women who had planned on voting for Clinton. Instead we got the female version of Larry the Cable Guy, but potayto, potahto, she's still better than Mitt."

  20. Callyson

    "Of course not," McCain told POLITICO when asked if the contents of Romney's tax returns disqualified him from the selection process. "I don’t know what depths these people won’t reach. Obviously, it’s just outrageous. That’s just outrageous. It shows the – it’s so disgraceful for them to allege something that they have absolutely no knowledge of."

    Yes, how dare the Democrats point out the irony that Mittens was all too willing to share his tax returns with Walnuts, but is not willing to do the same for the American people. Outrageous!

    1. Mumbletypeg

      well, if intensedebate won't eat this attempt of a reply — *reminds self to copy & paste afterward just in case*

      I was GONNA remind folks here to feel free to contact Ed!tr!x directly at her email if they're still having probs w/ their intensedebate-y interface. I was GONNA gloat over how my issues, experienced earlier today, had vanished as well as point out RS had replied *most expeditiously* to my email of concern.
      AND THEN intensedebate ate it mid-sentence.

      *In case this comment gets sucked into the black hole of ignominy, be assured I have pasted it onto my clipboard, which is my new best helpmeet

      Also, rebecca@wonkette.com FYI

      1. weejee

        Intents Debased is often with the lovely behaviors. I wuz banhammered as a spamming ratfucker last week. I wouldn't mind being banned for too many, too lame postings ('cause hey, it's true), but being tagged as a spamster was beyond the pale.

      2. James Michael Curley

        A friend who was an activities counselor at a nudist camp had a horridly painful falling out with his clipboard.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Damn, that may just be the tipping point to complete and total fattygeddon. Especially if it comes with bacon bit and nacho cheese options.

  21. SorosBot

    Mittens won't be as successful as the snowbilly until Tagg gets his own reality show on Lifetime.

  22. sullivanst

    "No no no, he's not unelectable because of his history, he's unelected because of his personality."

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only Mitt came from a town known for its meth addicts, and had a kid that got drunk on wine coolers and knocked up, he may have stood a chance.

    I guess the problem is that he actually reads (scans?) stuff. By modern Republican standards, that is a no no.

  24. johnnymeatworth

    At this point, Romney's best shot is to declare that he wants Obama to be his VP and hope for the best….

  25. edgydrifter

    Ever since they took away his pilot's license, Walnuts has been restlessly careening around the beltway, searching for something–anything–that he can turn into a fiery ball of supersonic catastrophe. Four years ago it was his own campaign. Now he's turning his stick towards Mount Mitt, afterburners on and cackling like a moth headed for a Klieg light.

  26. EatsBabyDingos

    "Well, it's like the Mutually Beneficial pop-up ads. On the on hand, Mitt could give me one of his 1967 Shelby Cobras worth a cool million each. Or I could get the Woody."

  27. IncenseDebate

    With Palin, you also got the whole telegenic family, including Todd and Bristol. Romney's lot are not as interesting to humankind.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Yes, one must stop and consider before bragging about having more reality TV shows than the Kardashians. Then again, if you're on reality TV, "stop and consider" probably isn't something you do.

  28. fuflans

    i believe it was mayor rahm who first noted that mccain preferred palin to mittens (and his 23 years of tax returns).

    keep nattering on about the 'chicago way' bitches.

  29. GeorgiaBurning

    OF COURSE he picks the milf with the boobies over the empty suit guy with nice hair. He was a naval aviator, and not gay.

  30. widestanceromance

    Does anyone else think the GOP chucked their hated McCain and now their hated Rmoney into the race because they hate these guys, and they know they cannot really compete with Obama, so why not ruin one of their own they never liked in the first place? I thought this about McCain in 2008, and now that they've tossed Willard headlong into the fire, I'm thinking it more and more. McCain is done forever due to his age, and once Rmoney fails once again, it will likely be his last real attempt. Then, again, sometimes I wonder if they really do think these men are contenders.

    1. CrunchyKnee

      I believe that the braintrust behind the GeeOhPee does not want to win this presidential election nor the last one. They'll just keep tanking the economy via the congress, fuck with the Constitution via the SCOTUS and then blame the Dems all while riding to years of victory in '16 with lots of lovely austerity for all but the 1%.

      1. widestanceromance

        Exactly. After taking the country down as far as they did under Bush, they don't want any real power/responsibility to fix that which went so wrong while they "lost their way."

    2. SorosBot

      Based on the primaries, both Romney and McCain won the nomination because of the two sweetest words in the English language, de-fault.

    3. Nostrildamus

      You know, hate is just what the GOP does. It's their signature brand. It's the way they show they care. Think of it as a kind of love.

  31. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    So in other words, this campaign, both top and bottom of the ticket, is really just the scraps and leavings of the super-awesome McCain campaign, of which Snowbilly Grifter actually was the best in show?

    Actually, yeah, that kinda does sound correct right about now.

  32. BerkeleyBear

    To sum up, based on GOP actions over the last decade:

    W>McCain>Palin>Romney>any other choice>Obama

    Wow, that is a whole lot of fail. Unless your underlying goal is to challenge the idea that humans are rational creatures who have evolved to be smarter than our simian brethren. Wait – that's it! This entire thing is a Creationist plot to convince Americans we are collectively too idiotic for evolution to be real!

  33. Dildeaux

    The political equivalent of get off my lawn.

    Paylin better than tpaw or mittbot.

    Ouch! That will leave a mark.

  34. kittensdontlie

    Oh Johnny boy….her rack, her rack is calling you.
    From over her suit top and down her mountains' sides…
    (Apologies to any undrunken Irish I might have offended with my lyrical adjustment.)

    With that gimpy arm, he had no hope in undoing that top button, but he was giving it some thought…"those things need some air if they are going to live….

  35. zappadoo76

    Walnuts is not looking at Sarah's tits. You can't even see her tits in that conservative little $10,000 black suit. He's looking at her script, on the lectern, and marveling at how well she has it memorized. She doesn't even have to look at it. Alas, this was her sole talent, as McCain discovered, to his chagrin.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      He's standing behind her. When this actually happened, everyone's perception was that he was staring at her ass, not her tits. But maybe that's just my cultural bias.

  36. greenide1

    Methinks he got "That's a stupid question" all mixed up with "That's a stupid answer." Cuz "Sarah Palin" is the stupidest answer a person could possibly give to the question "Who should we nominate to be VP?"

  37. Nostrildamus

    What I love about this is that McCain will do whatever he can to sabotage Mittens at this point. Not only from the quite understandable personal dislike, but so he won't go down in history as the only candidate ever to lose to a black guy.

  38. Jus_Wonderin

    When I think about how we Democrats shoot ourselves in the foot so many times, it only takes a minute to remember that Republicans do they same thing…they just like to blow the foot completely off.

    McCain, it is time for you meds.

  39. sullivanst

    McCain felt that having Mittens as his VP would have been a less mutually beneficial arrangement.

  40. ingloriousbytch

    I love how even when Republicans think they're complimenting someone, they're basically kicking them in the balls.

  41. KeepFnThatChicken

    I really believe John's going to answer this question with loyalty in mind. He probably doesn't want to look like Strom Thurmond or Silvio Berlusconi in his old age… so to erase the sins of his past (wife), loyalty above all… to preserve a legacy.

  42. Lynne

    And that, boys and girls, is McCain's official endorsement of Romney…Palin was better.

  43. zippy_w_pinhead

    so which VP candidate was a better choice than Mittens?

    Why, all of them Katie

  44. finallyhappy

    Here in Paris- nothing about the campaign .the news is Syria, tour de France and the failure of the firm that is supposed to provide security for the Olympics. Thank goodness for the Internet and wonkette

      1. PinkoMoonbat

        Me too! Of course, I live here. And finallyhappy is right about the news. Those tacks on the Tour de France course… pas bien.

    1. berkeleyfarm

      I have a friend who lives in that town and both she and her mayor think that Palin is an idiot.

  45. ttommyunger

    I sincerely hope John did pork her. It would be nice to know that Sarah had those fond memories to live with the rest of her miserable life.

  46. berkeleyfarm

    Oh, wow.

    Hey, last time, Cheney waited till juuuust before the election to spike the ball. John's about three months early.

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