walnuts is gonna lose it

The Latest End of America: No Urinals On Navy’s New Gender-Neutral Carriers

Such an old boys' clubThe Navy has a new class of aircraft carriers coming out! The new versions still have runways for planes and still float on the sea and are still big old boats. Beyond that, however, these new ones are decidedly liberal aircraft carriers. For the first time, the bathrooms won’t feature urinals. Women have served on combat ships since 1994 and, well, maybe at this point it would be easier to put in toilets that everyone can use in the new fleet’s bathrooms, the deciders decided. Just aim a few degrees lower, boys, then hit flush, and it’s not so bad. Just kidding, it’s officially the end of America again.

If you didn’t think this change was all that big a deal, then fuck you. It seems the military folks upset with this change are deeply unsure of their ability to lift a toilet seat and pee in a toilet without dousing the entire bathroom in urine. Via the Atlantic Wire:

“Navy is getting way too politically correct,” wrote Steve Mcgaha in a thread on The Navy Times, an independent news source for sailors and their families. “Let’s get back to projecting sea power … and get rid of the NANNY NAVY.” Others were worried about the logistical implications. “Great. As if there weren’t enough pissed-on toilet seats on Aircraft Carriers,” wrote Matt Metz on the same Navy Times thread. “I guess actual warfighting is pretty low on the list in today’s big bucks, PC, diversity is our strength … Navy,” wrote Orville Seybert. In perhaps the most novel argument, Navy vet Timothy Ritchie argued that urinals aren’t actually gender-specific. “In Europe all gender-neutral bathrooms have urinals. It is a matter of sanitation. And believe it or not even a female can use a properly placed urinal with a bit of practice.”

The CNN.com article on this has 900+ comments of people describing how they go to the bathroom.

…Well, have you finished reading them all yet?

[Atlantic Wire]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. mwittier

      As a lazy fuck, I will not be aimed, by Patriots, or anyone else.

      [My excessive use of commas compensates for the change in meaning resulting from your missing comma.]

    1. mrpuma2u

      Can't use those, on board naval vessels they run salt water in the bowl. (recovering Navy vet)

    2. Negropolis

      "Let them eat urinal cake."

      – Barack Antoinette

      Hey, how was my impersonation of a wingnut?

      1. kittensdontlie

        Nice. We would need BA to let his hair grow out and comb in some fancy hairdos to complete this chain letter fantasy in wingnut style.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I was standing watch in Damage Control Central one night and read the Captain's Night Orders, learned we were going to be steaming across the equator at appx 0044 hours. I drank a bunch of soda when I got off watch at midnight and held it, then went up on the flight deck and took a nice looooong piss off the fantail at the appropriate time. I don't know which is the prouder accomplishment in my life: spitting into the Grand Canyon or pissing across the equator; I'll probably have to go with the latter.

  1. coolhandnuke

    As long as the toilet seats don't cost $89,000, I see nothing to be pissed about.

  2. weejee

    Some may think this is a pisser, but hey this is the new wide-stance Navy we're talking about here. They'll be launching a new mine sweeper the USS Larry Craig in 3, 2, 1…

  3. WhatTheHeck

    No wonder. It’s the suggestion of the Secretary of the Navee. Right?
    I can’t wait to hear the Rear Admiral’s suggestion.

  4. JohnyEdge

    I'm just going to wait until a helpful Wonker condenses all 900 comments into one simple post with instructions.

    It will be a serve to humankind.

  5. SorosBot

    Let the navy go back to projecting sea power, so that we can fight all the naval threats the US faces, like um…


    …the aliens from Battleship?

  6. vodkamuppet

    Gender neutral glory holes or GTFO! I don't know how that would work but it only seems fair.

  7. edgydrifter

    Who cares? Modern urinals suck anyway. Long gone are the days of elegant, inviting floor-length urinals, resplendent porcelain cascades that accommodated men of all heights and celebrated their excretory functions equally. Monuments to the manly art of waste elimination they were! Now it's nothing but stupid goddamned wall-mounted back-splashing dick potties. Might as well pee in the sink.

    1. HoytClagwell

      Urinals on US Navy warships are especially horrid, since they are flushed with seawater. Combine that salty crust with the liquid excreta of 60+ sailors and you have nature's own urinal cake-in-reverse: it grows instead of shrinking and it adds to the stench instead of masking it.

      edit to add: I should add that my personal experience is a few decades in the past, so for all I know the Fleet's urinals are pristine clean these days. Go Navy!

    2. Antispandex

      …and they flush themselves too. What's up with that? Just not enough time in the day to elbow bump the handle?

    3. GhostBuggy

      The University of Michigan stadium, aka the Big House, has these urinals that are basically the wall, corner to corner, with water running down them. There's a channel running along the floor/wall edge to catch it. It's either the best thing ever or the worst.

    4. BaldarTFlagass

      "Might as well pee in the sink."

      Don't go off thinking that doesn't happen. A lot.

  8. Callyson

    I had a (male) classmate who thought it was amusing to use his camera phone and secretly snap photos of the profs at the urinals. No idea how he got away with it but he did…

    PS: the big ones never belong to the men you would think would have a large member, and vice versa…

  9. Fare la Volpe

    Navy seamen universally reversed their opinion after realizing this meant more privacy stalls for bunkmate handy j's.

  10. TootsStansbury

    I don't know about the Navy but it is customary on small boats at sea for the manly men to are you ready for this – SIT DOWN on the head to avoid pissing all over the place (if they aren't whizzing over the side, of course).

    1. kittensdontlie

      Amen…and if these men are too manly for sitting, that sadly leaves castration as the only viable option…just kiddin'…I'm sure female hormone treatment for the gents will work just fine, but if not…

  11. Antispandex

    "And believe it or not even a female can use a properly placed urinal with a bit of practice.”

    Now that's something I'd like to see. No, really, I'm kind of pervy that way. But, then again I was a fleet sailor, and I find the logistics of that interesting…and pervy.

  12. Nostrildamus

    ♫ In the navy
    Yes, you can sail the seven seas
    In the navy
    Yes, you can stand there while you pees ♫

  13. Antispandex

    Woke up this morning desperation A.M.
    What I've been saying, won't say them again
    My heads not empty, it's full with my brain
    The thoughts I'm thinking like piss down a drain

  14. Pragmatist2

    Whoa! "The CNN.com article on this has 900+ comments of people describing how they go to the bathroom."
    How many ways can you say Depends?

  15. owhatever

    You think you've got problems peeing now? Wait until the Chinese fleet, built with Wal-Mart dollars, heaves into view.

  16. TheGyrus

    Seems to me we could circumvent this issue by not spending all our goddamn money on yet another new aircraft carrier.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    What's the big deal? I'll bet most of the officers in the navy haven't peed standing up in years.

  18. So Tired

    Ok, kinda OT, but a sailor and GI take a piss in the latrine of the local bar. The GI starts to walk out of the restroom but the sailor stops to wash his hands. "Hey!" says the sailor, "In the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we take a piss!" The GI looks over his shoulder on his way out the door and replies, "In the Army, they teach us not to piss on our fingers."

  19. Stevola

    “Great. As if there weren’t enough pissed-on toilet seats on Aircraft Carriers,”

    That's with urinals, right? What difference will it make? I'm a Navy vet and this means less than nothing to me.

  20. WIDTAP

    Still beats the Chinese Navy, with the hole in the floor and the footprints for appropriate squat position.

  21. LeAlbatross

    Having served on an aircraft carrier in heavy seas, this will be an improvement, I assure you. Mind you, mine was an all-male crew, back the day, and they couldn't aim sitting down, either.

  22. Mapmonger

    I'm kinda having a 'Placemats moment about this: "Kewpie dolls and urine stalls will be laughed at the way you're laughed at now."

  23. valthemus

    "The CNN.com article on this has 900+ comments of people describing how they go to the bathroom. "

    One more argument against anonymous commenting.

  24. DahBoner

    But will female sailors learn to be considerate to male sailors and lift the seat afterwards???

  25. Baba_NinjaCat12

    McCain would say, "Toughen up Sailors! When I had to go to the bathroom, I used a wooden bucket to defecate and pee over side of the galley."

  26. mwittier

    " And believe it or not even a female can use a properly placed urinal with a bit of practice."

    But apparently man-monkeys cannot be trained to use a toilet, despite likely decades of practice?

    Also, "even a female"? That lowliest of low-intelligencers, the Female? And as for the IMPROPERLY placed urinal… what is this individual's thought process like? I picture a laundromat full of dryers, each drying a single, worn, tennis shoe, noisily and uselessly, as none of them make a pair.

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