important legal battles of our time

Michigan’s Most Effeminate Homophobe, Andrew Shirvell, Into Kinky Bus Play, Panel Concludes

like looking in a mirrorBrave American and very heterosexual hero Andrew Shirvell was really upset in 2010 because the University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (himself a gay) was obviously trying to make Shirvell gay with his radical homosexual agenda. To counter Amstrong’s man-on-man voodoo, Shirvell devoted his entire adult life to following Armstrong around and chronicling all the ways Armstrong was a “gay Nazi” on a Blogspot blog.

Eventually Shirvell’s employer, the Michigan Attorney General, told him to stop obsessively blogging about everything this one undergraduate college student was doing. Shirvell bravely fought back against these George Soros-funded big government socialists (conservative Republican Attorney General Mike Cox) and the radical homosexual effort to silence his comically high-pitched voice.

Well, he “fought back” if you consider ignoring your employer’s demand that you behave like a professional the same thing as fighting back. Then Shirvell was fired. Also, he was banned from the University of Michigan campus for being a gross cyber stalker.

Shirvell sued the Attorney General because Shirvell said by firing him the AG threw his not-at-all-closeted ass “under the bus”—just because he had a bizarre obsession with a college student! To which the Michigan Civil Service Commission’s Employment Relations Board said: “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

Then they dismissed Shirvell’s attempt to get his job back.

Always a bridesmaid, eh Andrew? [AnnArbor.com]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • kissawookiee

    Heeeeey, brother.

    • SorosBot

      He's made a huge mistake.

      • GhostBuggy

        If it means taking a chubby, he will suck it up!

  • Callyson

    Some dudes *really* do not handle rejection well…

  • bumfug

    And that, children, is why gay, homophobic wingnuts hate public transportation.

  • DaSandman

    Doesn't the guy own a fucking mirror?

    • Callyson

      It broke when he looked at it. Mirrors are only so strong, you know…

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Mirrors can only stand the "crazy eyes" for so long.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, but he has no reflection.

  • RadioSlut

    He is definitely not that good looking, kinda ugly.

    • nounverb911

      Ugly? The he must be a lesbian.

      • RadioSlut

        I'm glad that by explaining the joke you got all the upfists — we can never have enough upfisting. Next time I'll be less subtle.

        • FraAnima

          Bitter, party of one.

          • RadioSlut

            Bitter? I hardly knew her.

  • SexySmurf

    I think Andrew Shrivel threw himself under the short bus.

  • nounverb911

    Mr. Shirvell, FEMA re-education camp on line three.

  • sezme

    So after being mounted by the bus, did he Shirvell up?

  • SorosBot

    There are a lot of gay Nazis, just like there were a bunch of Jewish ones, along with black Confederates and Muslim Crusaders.

    • chascates

      But there are very, very few gay Jewish Nazi Confederate Crusaders. Couldn't work in Muslim.

      • va_real

        Gay Jewish Nazi Confederate Crusaders following Sharia Law?

  • BloviateMe

    Shirvell, the Rosa Parks of obsessed gay-stalkers.

    • Negropolis

      Rosa Parks libel!

      You don't know how long I've been waiting to say that; you really don't.

  • sbj1964

    The Young Republicans are just trying to recruit another Men's room toe tapper.

  • SayItWithWookies

    He looks more like a train guy than a bus guy if you ask me.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Such a weird way to express a crush on someone..

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Chris Armstrong is totes gorgeous. But, yeah.

      • bikerlaureate

        I didn't know the poor guy finally struck back

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, yeah. I'm glad he did. The stalking and over-the-top hissyfits had the whole community wondering if Shrivel was just gonna lose it and pull a gun on Chris Armstrong. The University banned Shrivel from campus, and Armstrong got his restraining order, and Shrivel is wasting away in Darwin knows what dark and shriveled corner of his mind. Too many gay people end up dead from this kind of thing.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            When I was young thang, I had my own stalker IRL. What fun that was! He worked at the east TN gay club that my friends and I used to pile into cars and drive an hour and some minutes to get to. First night I met him, he suggested that me & one of my friends should have a 3-way with him. Every damned weekend I told him I wasn't interested in him. Then the dude started to follow our posse after closin' time all the way back up to VA. He started parking outside my building to see when I would come out to go to work. My workplace at the time was right across the street from my apt. Great, right? Not only did he know where I lived but where I worked. After he approached me a couple of times, I started to let my friends know about this creep. I basically told them: "If anything happens to me…etc." Now, I don't think he was a violent individual but why take any chances? This was years before I read "The Gift of Fear" (a book that I think EVERYONE should read).
            He eventually lost interest and found another target (a VERY butch lez who he kept calling his "girlfriend" but that's a whole other twisted tale).
            Anyhoo, after that I met one of the best boyfriends I ever had at this club. Turns out, Mr. Creep had stalked him, also. Not only that but some of bf's friends had also been stalked by Mr. Creep.
            I don't know what sort of struggle Shirvell is going through in his own mind but he clearly doesn't think his actions were crazy. And a person like that should be considered dangerous, IMO.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Man, I'm glad you survived that. Talk about a fucked-up individual. I know you know better now. Srsly, young gay men are at the highest risk, I think, because stalkers know their victims won't do anything. Either they're young and foolish and flattered by the attention, or young and afraid and don't know how to respond. I've read Gavin de Becker's book, and I think it ought to be in every library across the world. Young men and women would do themselves a huge favour by understanding how to defend themselves. (Hugs the Butch)

            Shirvell is either going to come out of the closet with a huge bang, or get arrested for some kind of violent anti-gay crime, I predict within the next decade. Anybody who will give up their leisure time to hang out in winter on somebody else's doorstep photographing their party guests has more than just A screw loose.

    • MissTaken

      Right? What happened to just sending a note asking

      Do You Like Me?
      □ Yes
      □ No

      • SorosBot

        But what if he says know? And if he says yes, does that mean he likes you likes you, or just likes you?

        • MissTaken

          You're right. Much better to just stalk his gay ass all over town.

          • SorosBot

            If there's one thing romantic comedies have taught me, it's that stalking your crush all over town will make them love you! I'm sure it works for gay men as well as straight women (or even gay women; see Chasing Amy).

            (Also, damn you for locking in my homophone error before I could edit!)

          • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            I knew you new that. When ewe get replies, it lox you in.

          • Boojum

            That's what you get for being a homophone!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Doesn't work for nutbags. They have two checkboxes. One is marked Yes and the other is marked So much that I will never ever leave you no matter how mean, rotten, and crazy you are to me.

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          I thought they had three:
          □ Yes
          □ No
          □ Airport Bathroom

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

            I thought they had four:
            □ Yes
            □ No
            □ Airport Bathroom
            □ Your Bunny Boiling In A Pot

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dude, I *like* bunnies!

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

            Yeah, but you're not Fatally Attracted to them, right?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dude, man, I am totally not into bunny-boilin', and I don't care HOW cute Glenn Close is.

          • flamingpdog

            Just for you, MB.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Aw, that is SO sweet, pdog. (Hugs the pdog) Thanks.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That's "terlet" to them individuals.

  • chascates

    You're either on the bus or off the bus. Or, possibly, under the bus.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Andrew Shrivell has a face that was born to be under a bus.

      • chascates

        Or was possibly run over by a bus as a child.

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          I though he was born out of a butt.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            A *cigarette* butt.

            Ew, I just grossed myself out.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Of course, none of us wishes him any *harm,* but I can certainly see why the bus driver might have, as it were, been driven to express himself thus.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Would it be overreacting to toss Andrew under the Greyhound infinity-twoteen times?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Weej, that sounds like a way bigger number than Elebenty.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Would this just be a variation on the already very not PC custom of dwarf-tossing?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It's a way of keeping track of cats. Weej, it's not right that you get to be both cute and smart. You have to give one of those two things back.

  • Exhausted66

    Don't Judge Mike Cox.
    It's normal.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Andrew Shrivell had smallcox as a child.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Likely still does.

    • CapnRadio

      I'm free to Judge Yuri Cox, though, correct?

    • Negropolis

      Speaking of Mike Cox, nothing made me more happy than seeing that lecherous bastard having his ass handed to him in 2010 during our gubernatorial primary. Good fuckin' riddance. The problem is that he was replaced (AG spot) by a guy who is an even bigger conservative hack.

  • Extemporanus

    Buses are gay.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Omnibuses are especially gay. They're here, they're queer, my god honey just get used to them!

      • sullivanst

        Hello! "Omni"!

        Obvs. bi!

    • CapnRadio

      Busses are gayer.

      • Extemporanus

        *smoooch*

    • Nostrildamus

      Not to mention socialist.

    • Negropolis

      And Busey's are just plain weird.

  • rocktonsam

    only Shirvell's wife knows for sure

  • MissTaken

    Poor Shirvell, he just wants to get on the bus through the rear door.

  • MissTaken

    ♫ The wheels on the bus go
    Gay gay gay ♫

    • CapnRadio

      Me, I'm nervous about those wipers. They're the one's that go, "Swish, swish, swish."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You are just being *terrible* today! And I mean that in the best way.

      • MissTaken

        Ah, smooches!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Now that I know how stunningly cute you are, I'm gonna be leering at you alla time, and SorosBot won't like that. (Smoooooooch!)

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            Btw, thanks for the compliment on my pic. The hair is much longer now but I look pretty much the same.

            Edit: Colorized avatar pic of yours truly!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're welcome! What a cutie! I promise I won't tape your pic to the BART terlet walls or nothin'!

  • CivicHoliday

    I anticipate a diaper-clad cross country trip for lurve/hate in the very near future

  • Gopherit

    I smell VP material here.

  • Chichikovovich

    Roy Cohn, and then Andrew Shirvell,….

    The old saying is really true: History always repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second as a bug-eyed, castrato-voiced doofus.

    • Pragmatist2

      Oddly – but true -Roy Cohn owned the Fifth Avenue Bus Company. Coincidence? I don't think so,

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I want someone — anyone — to tell me how ANYBODY could look at Roy Cohn and not have every single bell and whistle on their gaydar go off simultaneously and deafeningly.

        Is that, or is that not, a mouth made for sucking cock? I maintain, gentlemen and ladies, that it is.

  • BloviateMe

    It seems to me there was some rumor swirling around a time back, something about Richard Gere sticking a Shervill up his ass?

    I could be wrong.

  • SorosBot

    I'm beginning to suspect a lot of the sex-obsessed Republicans are a bunch of self-loathing sexual deviants.

    Who knows what Kathryn Lopez must be up to when she thinks no one is looking.

    • MissTaken

      I came.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        So did the entire Republican party.

      • Negropolis

        I saw.*

        *God, forever am I grateful for that not actually being the case.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Extremism in the defense of homophobia is no vice.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Such a shame, to be run over by a bus, when all you really want is to be rear ended.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Kudos, sir!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    It sounds like Cox made Andrew's cock just Shirvell right up.

  • edgydrifter

    Shirvell is like the hetero T-800. He absolutely will not stop until he has sucked all the gay out of Chris Armstrong. Repeatedly.

  • mavenmaven

    I'm sure Bryan Fisher has a place for Shervill within his lovely organization.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Topping from the bottom never works. Especially with buses.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Won't someone please just buy this guy a package for a gay cruise and a couple of bottles of gin so he can work out his issues without wasting taxpayer money?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    "I told you I was gonna shoot. Why didn't you listen?"

    (I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!)

    • edgydrifter

      Shirvell has a powerful case of GAY MADNESS!!!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Really, that's exactly what he's saying.

  • MissTaken

    Oh Shirvell, just come to SF. Our TSA will give you what you are looking for. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-fa

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Um…well, that is…uh, something…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No shit.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Sure, once they're done laughing their asses off at his pants package.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Shirvell might have listened a bit more if he was told that to avoid the bus required a narrow stance.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    -Violet/ Shirvell/Appellant: "Spitting Being gay is a dirty habit!"
    -Wonka/ Wonkette/Appellee: "I can think of a worse one."

    Appellee gently removes appellant's finger from his ___.

  • rickmaci

    “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

    OK, which one of you Wonketteers is writing for the Michigan Civil Service Commission?

    • emmelemm

      I know – that was a particularly cutting piece of wit to include in an official document, I thought.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It can ONLY be Dok Zoom, dood.

      • redarmyzombie

        Actually, MittBorg, the correct answer is…

        …ALL OF THEM, KATIE!!!

        (I would like to take this moment now to apologize…)

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, hey, I have nothing against tried and true memes.

          No apology is necessary.

          • redarmyzombie

            Thanks, Mittborg. I've been a smidge frazzled lately (though to be fair, I have been preoccupied with extended family moving up from LA and my grandmother's 80th birthday)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Hugs RAZ) I'm sorry you're frazzled, sweetie. Remember to make some YOU time in the midst of all you have to do. And a VERY happy birfday to your grandma!

          • redarmyzombie

            Thanks, and will do!

    • Negropolis

      Michigan is lucky to still have its civil service commission. We're even more fortunate that former Democratic governor Jennifer Granholm got to appoint the majority of its members, so while the GOP has been attacking gay employees the commission – who decides personnel matters – actually extended benefits to them and there is nothing the GOP could do about it. It's only two-year terms, so Snyder gets his own picks at the end of this year, but they've been able to protect a lot of workers for two years.

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise

    Dern, I missed the Scott Baio thread…….or DID I?
    http://www.blogcdn.com/www.parentdish.com/media/2

  • sullivanst

    I don't believe this story. It can't be true. Good news out of Michigan? Unpossible!

  • poorgradstudent

    Even Anderson Cooper, who I bet was chomping at the bit to do the interview, more or less couldn't keep his professional cool when trying to interview the Sociopath-in-the-Closet, especially when he got exasperated when the SiC kept ignoring his point about putting swastikas on his face and screeched, "It's nothing personal…"

    Even by normal (non-CNN) journalistic standards, that was a superb interview.

  • poorgradstudent

    Anderson's interview with SiC's boss was also awesome. You don't need to be telepathic to sense him thinking "Fuck, look at what this goddamn psycho has me doing."

  • owhatever

    Dang, that bus felt good running over me. Can we do it again?

  • johnnymeatworth

    The plus side is that he's now available to address the GOP convention….

  • telecustom1972

    Just remember – Your not gay if you hate yourself for doing it!

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      Wow. Then I'm also not fat!

  • redarmyzombie

    Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have found Mitt Romney's latest candidate for running mate…

  • cinesimonj

    If only he'd kept his mouth shut, like the majority of his ideological comrades. Including, of course, the AG who fired him.

  • Negropolis

    “Appellant (Shirvell) has stated that he was thrown under the bus by Appellee (Department of the Attorney General) in the interests of political expediency at the altar of political correctness,” the ruling stated.

    “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned Appellant repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

    Honestly, what else can be said to this than: Oh snap!

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      It's nice that there's a bus that one can take that stops (or doesn't) right at the Altar of Political Correctness. Good for tourism!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    When the government doesn't allow it's top law enforcement officers target random people for months of public harassment, you know freedom has truly died.

  • EBGrey

    Look, the Mich AG repeatedly described himself as a "bus" that was about "to come." So, the AG so he should have know that Andrew Shirvell was going to lay his ass out in front of that.

  • SaintRond

    That guy really, really looks like a terrified gopher.

  • SplendidOne

    Google "Shirvel" and you will find an interesting Urban Dictionary definition.

  • docterry6973

    Shirvell is himself a Michigan alumnus. It may not be surprising that a random homophopic ass is a Michigan grad, but it is surprising that anyone could be graduated from Michigan knowing nothing of Freud.

    • Negropolis

      You know, Go Green, but I am surprised that this guy graduated from UofM in the People's Republic of Ann Arbor.

  • ttommyunger

    He just wants somebody to pay some attention to him, obviously. Slap him, kick him, suck him off, anything! Poor shlub.