IMPORTANT LEGAL BATTLES OF OUR TIME  5:20 pm July 16, 2012

Michigan’s Most Effeminate Homophobe, Andrew Shirvell, Into Kinky Bus Play, Panel Concludes

by Jeff Wattrick

like looking in a mirrorBrave American and very heterosexual hero Andrew Shirvell was really upset in 2010 because the University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (himself a gay) was obviously trying to make Shirvell gay with his radical homosexual agenda. To counter Amstrong’s man-on-man voodoo, Shirvell devoted his entire adult life to following Armstrong around and chronicling all the ways Armstrong was a “gay Nazi” on a Blogspot blog.

Eventually Shirvell’s employer, the Michigan Attorney General, told him to stop obsessively blogging about everything this one undergraduate college student was doing. Shirvell bravely fought back against these George Soros-funded big government socialists (conservative Republican Attorney General Mike Cox) and the radical homosexual effort to silence his comically high-pitched voice.

Well, he “fought back” if you consider ignoring your employer’s demand that you behave like a professional the same thing as fighting back. Then Shirvell was fired. Also, he was banned from the University of Michigan campus for being a gross cyber stalker.

Shirvell sued the Attorney General because Shirvell said by firing him the AG threw his not-at-all-closeted ass “under the bus”—just because he had a bizarre obsession with a college student! To which the Michigan Civil Service Commission’s Employment Relations Board said: “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

Then they dismissed Shirvell’s attempt to get his job back.

Always a bridesmaid, eh Andrew? [AnnArbor.com]

 
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{ 131 comments }

kissawookiee July 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Heeeeey, brother.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm

He's made a huge mistake.

GhostBuggy July 16, 2012 at 11:04 pm

If it means taking a chubby, he will suck it up!

Callyson July 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Some dudes *really* do not handle rejection well…

bumfug July 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

And that, children, is why gay, homophobic wingnuts hate public transportation.

DaSandman July 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Doesn't the guy own a fucking mirror?

Callyson July 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

It broke when he looked at it. Mirrors are only so strong, you know…

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Mirrors can only stand the "crazy eyes" for so long.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Yeah, but he has no reflection.

RadioSlut July 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm

He is definitely not that good looking, kinda ugly.

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Ugly? The he must be a lesbian.

RadioSlut July 16, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I'm glad that by explaining the joke you got all the upfists — we can never have enough upfisting. Next time I'll be less subtle.

FraAnima July 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Bitter, party of one.

RadioSlut July 16, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Bitter? I hardly knew her.

SexySmurf July 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I think Andrew Shrivel threw himself under the short bus.

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Mr. Shirvell, FEMA re-education camp on line three.

sezme July 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

So after being mounted by the bus, did he Shirvell up?

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

There are a lot of gay Nazis, just like there were a bunch of Jewish ones, along with black Confederates and Muslim Crusaders.

chascates July 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm

But there are very, very few gay Jewish Nazi Confederate Crusaders. Couldn't work in Muslim.

va_real July 16, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Gay Jewish Nazi Confederate Crusaders following Sharia Law?

BloviateMe July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Shirvell, the Rosa Parks of obsessed gay-stalkers.

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 1:59 am

Rosa Parks libel!

You don't know how long I've been waiting to say that; you really don't.

sbj1964 July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The Young Republicans are just trying to recruit another Men's room toe tapper.

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2012 at 5:30 pm

He looks more like a train guy than a bus guy if you ask me.

smokefilledroommate July 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Such a weird way to express a crush on someone..

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Chris Armstrong is totes gorgeous. But, yeah.

bikerlaureate July 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I didn't know the poor guy finally struck back

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Oh, yeah. I'm glad he did. The stalking and over-the-top hissyfits had the whole community wondering if Shrivel was just gonna lose it and pull a gun on Chris Armstrong. The University banned Shrivel from campus, and Armstrong got his restraining order, and Shrivel is wasting away in Darwin knows what dark and shriveled corner of his mind. Too many gay people end up dead from this kind of thing.

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 8:41 pm

When I was young thang, I had my own stalker IRL. What fun that was! He worked at the east TN gay club that my friends and I used to pile into cars and drive an hour and some minutes to get to. First night I met him, he suggested that me & one of my friends should have a 3-way with him. Every damned weekend I told him I wasn't interested in him. Then the dude started to follow our posse after closin' time all the way back up to VA. He started parking outside my building to see when I would come out to go to work. My workplace at the time was right across the street from my apt. Great, right? Not only did he know where I lived but where I worked. After he approached me a couple of times, I started to let my friends know about this creep. I basically told them: "If anything happens to me…etc." Now, I don't think he was a violent individual but why take any chances? This was years before I read "The Gift of Fear" (a book that I think EVERYONE should read).
He eventually lost interest and found another target (a VERY butch lez who he kept calling his "girlfriend" but that's a whole other twisted tale).
Anyhoo, after that I met one of the best boyfriends I ever had at this club. Turns out, Mr. Creep had stalked him, also. Not only that but some of bf's friends had also been stalked by Mr. Creep.
I don't know what sort of struggle Shirvell is going through in his own mind but he clearly doesn't think his actions were crazy. And a person like that should be considered dangerous, IMO.

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Right? What happened to just sending a note asking

Do You Like Me?
□ Yes
□ No

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm

But what if he says know? And if he says yes, does that mean he likes you likes you, or just likes you?

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

You're right. Much better to just stalk his gay ass all over town.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

If there's one thing romantic comedies have taught me, it's that stalking your crush all over town will make them love you! I'm sure it works for gay men as well as straight women (or even gay women; see Chasing Amy).

(Also, damn you for locking in my homophone error before I could edit!)

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Doesn't work for nutbags. They have two checkboxes. One is marked Yes and the other is marked So much that I will never ever leave you no matter how mean, rotten, and crazy you are to me.

smokefilledroommate July 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I thought they had three:
□ Yes
□ No
□ Airport Bathroom

Designer_Rants July 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I thought they had four:
□ Yes
□ No
□ Airport Bathroom
□ Your Bunny Boiling In A Pot

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 9:35 pm

That's "terlet" to them individuals.

chascates July 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

You're either on the bus or off the bus. Or, possibly, under the bus.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Andrew Shrivell has a face that was born to be under a bus.

chascates July 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Or was possibly run over by a bus as a child.

smokefilledroommate July 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I though he was born out of a butt.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:52 pm

A *cigarette* butt.

Ew, I just grossed myself out.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Of course, none of us wishes him any *harm,* but I can certainly see why the bus driver might have, as it were, been driven to express himself thus.

weejee July 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Would it be overreacting to toss Andrew under the Greyhound infinity-twoteen times?

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Weej, that sounds like a way bigger number than Elebenty.

weejee July 16, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Would this just be a variation on the already very not PC custom of dwarf-tossing?

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm

It's a way of keeping track of cats. Weej, it's not right that you get to be both cute and smart. You have to give one of those two things back.

Exhausted66 July 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Don't Judge Mike Cox.
It's normal.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Andrew Shrivell had smallcox as a child.

weejee July 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Likely still does.

CapnRadio July 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I'm free to Judge Yuri Cox, though, correct?

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 2:05 am

Speaking of Mike Cox, nothing made me more happy than seeing that lecherous bastard having his ass handed to him in 2010 during our gubernatorial primary. Good fuckin' riddance. The problem is that he was replaced (AG spot) by a guy who is an even bigger conservative hack.

Extemporanus July 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Buses are gay.

smokefilledroommate July 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Omnibuses are especially gay. They're here, they're queer, my god honey just get used to them!

sullivanst July 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Hello! "Omni"!

Obvs. bi!

CapnRadio July 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Busses are gayer.

Extemporanus July 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

*smoooch*

Nostrildamus July 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Not to mention socialist.

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 2:06 am

And Busey's are just plain weird.

rocktonsam July 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm

only Shirvell's wife knows for sure

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Poor Shirvell, he just wants to get on the bus through the rear door.

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 5:37 pm

♫ The wheels on the bus go
Gay gay gay ♫

CapnRadio July 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Me, I'm nervous about those wipers. They're the one's that go, "Swish, swish, swish."

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 6:59 pm

You are just being *terrible* today! And I mean that in the best way.

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Ah, smooches!

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Now that I know how stunningly cute you are, I'm gonna be leering at you alla time, and SorosBot won't like that. (Smoooooooch!)

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Btw, thanks for the compliment on my pic. The hair is much longer now but I look pretty much the same.

Edit: Colorized avatar pic of yours truly!

CivicHoliday July 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I anticipate a diaper-clad cross country trip for lurve/hate in the very near future

Gopherit July 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I smell VP material here.

Chichikovovich July 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Roy Cohn, and then Andrew Shirvell,….

The old saying is really true: History always repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second as a bug-eyed, castrato-voiced doofus.

Pragmatist2 July 16, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Oddly – but true -Roy Cohn owned the Fifth Avenue Bus Company. Coincidence? I don't think so,

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I want someone — anyone — to tell me how ANYBODY could look at Roy Cohn and not have every single bell and whistle on their gaydar go off simultaneously and deafeningly.

Is that, or is that not, a mouth made for sucking cock? I maintain, gentlemen and ladies, that it is.

BloviateMe July 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

It seems to me there was some rumor swirling around a time back, something about Richard Gere sticking a Shervill up his ass?

I could be wrong.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I'm beginning to suspect a lot of the sex-obsessed Republicans are a bunch of self-loathing sexual deviants.

Who knows what Kathryn Lopez must be up to when she thinks no one is looking.

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I came.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

So did the entire Republican party.

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 2:09 am

I saw.*

*God, forever am I grateful for that not actually being the case.

PeaceWithHonor July 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Extremism in the defense of homophobia is no vice.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Such a shame, to be run over by a bus, when all you really want is to be rear ended.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Kudos, sir!

Dashboard Buddha July 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

It sounds like Cox made Andrew's cock just Shirvell right up.

edgydrifter July 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Shirvell is like the hetero T-800. He absolutely will not stop until he has sucked all the gay out of Chris Armstrong. Repeatedly.

mavenmaven July 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I'm sure Bryan Fisher has a place for Shervill within his lovely organization.

IceCreamEmpress July 16, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Topping from the bottom never works. Especially with buses.

randcoolcatdaddy July 16, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Won't someone please just buy this guy a package for a gay cruise and a couple of bottles of gin so he can work out his issues without wasting taxpayer money?

deanbooth July 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"I told you I was gonna shoot. Why didn't you listen?"

(I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!)

edgydrifter July 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Shirvell has a powerful case of GAY MADNESS!!!

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Really, that's exactly what he's saying.

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Oh Shirvell, just come to SF. Our TSA will give you what you are looking for. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-fa

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Um…well, that is…uh, something…

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

No shit.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Sure, once they're done laughing their asses off at his pants package.

ManchuCandidate July 16, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Shirvell might have listened a bit more if he was told that to avoid the bus required a narrow stance.

Mumbletypeg July 16, 2012 at 6:10 pm

-Violet/ Shirvell/Appellant: "Spitting Being gay is a dirty habit!"
-Wonka/ Wonkette/Appellee: "I can think of a worse one."

Appellee gently removes appellant's finger from his ___.

rickmaci July 16, 2012 at 6:13 pm

“Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

OK, which one of you Wonketteers is writing for the Michigan Civil Service Commission?

emmelemm July 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I know – that was a particularly cutting piece of wit to include in an official document, I thought.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:07 pm

It can ONLY be Dok Zoom, dood.

redarmyzombie July 16, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Actually, MittBorg, the correct answer is…

…ALL OF THEM, KATIE!!!

(I would like to take this moment now to apologize…)

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Oh, hey, I have nothing against tried and true memes.

No apology is necessary.

redarmyzombie July 16, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Thanks, Mittborg. I've been a smidge frazzled lately (though to be fair, I have been preoccupied with extended family moving up from LA and my grandmother's 80th birthday)

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 2:31 am

Michigan is lucky to still have its civil service commission. We're even more fortunate that former Democratic governor Jennifer Granholm got to appoint the majority of its members, so while the GOP has been attacking gay employees the commission – who decides personnel matters – actually extended benefits to them and there is nothing the GOP could do about it. It's only two-year terms, so Snyder gets his own picks at the end of this year, but they've been able to protect a lot of workers for two years.

Blueb4sunrise July 16, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Dern, I missed the Scott Baio thread…….or DID I?
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.parentdish.com/media/2

sullivanst July 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I don't believe this story. It can't be true. Good news out of Michigan? Unpossible!

poorgradstudent July 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Even Anderson Cooper, who I bet was chomping at the bit to do the interview, more or less couldn't keep his professional cool when trying to interview the Sociopath-in-the-Closet, especially when he got exasperated when the SiC kept ignoring his point about putting swastikas on his face and screeched, "It's nothing personal…"

Even by normal (non-CNN) journalistic standards, that was a superb interview.

poorgradstudent July 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Anderson's interview with SiC's boss was also awesome. You don't need to be telepathic to sense him thinking "Fuck, look at what this goddamn psycho has me doing."

owhatever July 16, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Dang, that bus felt good running over me. Can we do it again?

johnnymeatworth July 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm

The plus side is that he's now available to address the GOP convention….

telecustom1972 July 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Just remember – Your not gay if you hate yourself for doing it!

mwittier July 18, 2012 at 3:27 am

Wow. Then I'm also not fat!

redarmyzombie July 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have found Mitt Romney's latest candidate for running mate…

cinesimonj July 17, 2012 at 1:26 am

If only he'd kept his mouth shut, like the majority of his ideological comrades. Including, of course, the AG who fired him.

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 1:58 am

“Appellant (Shirvell) has stated that he was thrown under the bus by Appellee (Department of the Attorney General) in the interests of political expediency at the altar of political correctness,” the ruling stated.

“Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned Appellant repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

Honestly, what else can be said to this than: Oh snap!

mwittier July 18, 2012 at 3:29 am

It's nice that there's a bus that one can take that stops (or doesn't) right at the Altar of Political Correctness. Good for tourism!

Allmighty_Manos July 17, 2012 at 8:32 am

When the government doesn't allow it's top law enforcement officers target random people for months of public harassment, you know freedom has truly died.

EBGrey July 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

Look, the Mich AG repeatedly described himself as a "bus" that was about "to come." So, the AG so he should have know that Andrew Shirvell was going to lay his ass out in front of that.

SaintRond July 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That guy really, really looks like a terrified gopher.

SplendidOne July 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Google "Shirvel" and you will find an interesting Urban Dictionary definition.

docterry6973 July 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Shirvell is himself a Michigan alumnus. It may not be surprising that a random homophopic ass is a Michigan grad, but it is surprising that anyone could be graduated from Michigan knowing nothing of Freud.

Negropolis July 17, 2012 at 10:24 pm

You know, Go Green, but I am surprised that this guy graduated from UofM in the People's Republic of Ann Arbor.

ttommyunger July 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm

He just wants somebody to pay some attention to him, obviously. Slap him, kick him, suck him off, anything! Poor shlub.

smokefilledroommate July 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I knew you new that. When ewe get replies, it lox you in.

Boojum July 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

That's what you get for being a homophone!

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Man, I'm glad you survived that. Talk about a fucked-up individual. I know you know better now. Srsly, young gay men are at the highest risk, I think, because stalkers know their victims won't do anything. Either they're young and foolish and flattered by the attention, or young and afraid and don't know how to respond. I've read Gavin de Becker's book, and I think it ought to be in every library across the world. Young men and women would do themselves a huge favour by understanding how to defend themselves. (Hugs the Butch)

Shirvell is either going to come out of the closet with a huge bang, or get arrested for some kind of violent anti-gay crime, I predict within the next decade. Anybody who will give up their leisure time to hang out in winter on somebody else's doorstep photographing their party guests has more than just A screw loose.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Dude, I *like* bunnies!

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 9:36 pm

You're welcome! What a cutie! I promise I won't tape your pic to the BART terlet walls or nothin'!

Designer_Rants July 16, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Yeah, but you're not Fatally Attracted to them, right?

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Dude, man, I am totally not into bunny-boilin', and I don't care HOW cute Glenn Close is.

flamingpdog July 16, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Just for you, MB.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Aw, that is SO sweet, pdog. (Hugs the pdog) Thanks.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

(Hugs RAZ) I'm sorry you're frazzled, sweetie. Remember to make some YOU time in the midst of all you have to do. And a VERY happy birfday to your grandma!

redarmyzombie July 17, 2012 at 12:09 am

Thanks, and will do!

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