important legal battles of our time

Michigan’s Most Effeminate Homophobe, Andrew Shirvell, Into Kinky Bus Play, Panel Concludes

like looking in a mirrorBrave American and very heterosexual hero Andrew Shirvell was really upset in 2010 because the University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (himself a gay) was obviously trying to make Shirvell gay with his radical homosexual agenda. To counter Amstrong’s man-on-man voodoo, Shirvell devoted his entire adult life to following Armstrong around and chronicling all the ways Armstrong was a “gay Nazi” on a Blogspot blog.

Eventually Shirvell’s employer, the Michigan Attorney General, told him to stop obsessively blogging about everything this one undergraduate college student was doing. Shirvell bravely fought back against these George Soros-funded big government socialists (conservative Republican Attorney General Mike Cox) and the radical homosexual effort to silence his comically high-pitched voice.

Well, he “fought back” if you consider ignoring your employer’s demand that you behave like a professional the same thing as fighting back. Then Shirvell was fired. Also, he was banned from the University of Michigan campus for being a gross cyber stalker.

Shirvell sued the Attorney General because Shirvell said by firing him the AG threw his not-at-all-closeted ass “under the bus”—just because he had a bizarre obsession with a college student! To which the Michigan Civil Service Commission’s Employment Relations Board said: “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

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Then they dismissed Shirvell’s attempt to get his job back.

Always a bridesmaid, eh Andrew? [AnnArbor.com]

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About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick

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131 comments

      1. RadioSlut

        I'm glad that by explaining the joke you got all the upfists — we can never have enough upfisting. Next time I'll be less subtle.

  1. SorosBot

    There are a lot of gay Nazis, just like there were a bunch of Jewish ones, along with black Confederates and Muslim Crusaders.

    1. chascates

      But there are very, very few gay Jewish Nazi Confederate Crusaders. Couldn't work in Muslim.

    1. Negropolis

      Rosa Parks libel!

      You don't know how long I've been waiting to say that; you really don't.

        1. MittBorg

          Oh, yeah. I'm glad he did. The stalking and over-the-top hissyfits had the whole community wondering if Shrivel was just gonna lose it and pull a gun on Chris Armstrong. The University banned Shrivel from campus, and Armstrong got his restraining order, and Shrivel is wasting away in Darwin knows what dark and shriveled corner of his mind. Too many gay people end up dead from this kind of thing.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            When I was young thang, I had my own stalker IRL. What fun that was! He worked at the east TN gay club that my friends and I used to pile into cars and drive an hour and some minutes to get to. First night I met him, he suggested that me & one of my friends should have a 3-way with him. Every damned weekend I told him I wasn't interested in him. Then the dude started to follow our posse after closin' time all the way back up to VA. He started parking outside my building to see when I would come out to go to work. My workplace at the time was right across the street from my apt. Great, right? Not only did he know where I lived but where I worked. After he approached me a couple of times, I started to let my friends know about this creep. I basically told them: "If anything happens to me…etc." Now, I don't think he was a violent individual but why take any chances? This was years before I read "The Gift of Fear" (a book that I think EVERYONE should read).
            He eventually lost interest and found another target (a VERY butch lez who he kept calling his "girlfriend" but that's a whole other twisted tale).
            Anyhoo, after that I met one of the best boyfriends I ever had at this club. Turns out, Mr. Creep had stalked him, also. Not only that but some of bf's friends had also been stalked by Mr. Creep.
            I don't know what sort of struggle Shirvell is going through in his own mind but he clearly doesn't think his actions were crazy. And a person like that should be considered dangerous, IMO.

          2. MittBorg

            Man, I'm glad you survived that. Talk about a fucked-up individual. I know you know better now. Srsly, young gay men are at the highest risk, I think, because stalkers know their victims won't do anything. Either they're young and foolish and flattered by the attention, or young and afraid and don't know how to respond. I've read Gavin de Becker's book, and I think it ought to be in every library across the world. Young men and women would do themselves a huge favour by understanding how to defend themselves. (Hugs the Butch)

            Shirvell is either going to come out of the closet with a huge bang, or get arrested for some kind of violent anti-gay crime, I predict within the next decade. Anybody who will give up their leisure time to hang out in winter on somebody else's doorstep photographing their party guests has more than just A screw loose.

      1. SorosBot

        But what if he says know? And if he says yes, does that mean he likes you likes you, or just likes you?

          1. SorosBot

            If there's one thing romantic comedies have taught me, it's that stalking your crush all over town will make them love you! I'm sure it works for gay men as well as straight women (or even gay women; see Chasing Amy).

            (Also, damn you for locking in my homophone error before I could edit!)

      2. MittBorg

        Doesn't work for nutbags. They have two checkboxes. One is marked Yes and the other is marked So much that I will never ever leave you no matter how mean, rotten, and crazy you are to me.

        1. MittBorg

          Of course, none of us wishes him any *harm,* but I can certainly see why the bus driver might have, as it were, been driven to express himself thus.

          1. MittBorg

            It's a way of keeping track of cats. Weej, it's not right that you get to be both cute and smart. You have to give one of those two things back.

    1. Negropolis

      Speaking of Mike Cox, nothing made me more happy than seeing that lecherous bastard having his ass handed to him in 2010 during our gubernatorial primary. Good fuckin' riddance. The problem is that he was replaced (AG spot) by a guy who is an even bigger conservative hack.

    1. CapnRadio

      Me, I'm nervous about those wipers. They're the one's that go, "Swish, swish, swish."

        1. MittBorg

          Now that I know how stunningly cute you are, I'm gonna be leering at you alla time, and SorosBot won't like that. (Smoooooooch!)

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            Btw, thanks for the compliment on my pic. The hair is much longer now but I look pretty much the same.

            Edit: Colorized avatar pic of yours truly!

  2. CivicHoliday

    I anticipate a diaper-clad cross country trip for lurve/hate in the very near future

  3. Chichikovovich

    Roy Cohn, and then Andrew Shirvell,….

    The old saying is really true: History always repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second as a bug-eyed, castrato-voiced doofus.

    1. Pragmatist2

      Oddly – but true -Roy Cohn owned the Fifth Avenue Bus Company. Coincidence? I don't think so,

      1. MittBorg

        I want someone — anyone — to tell me how ANYBODY could look at Roy Cohn and not have every single bell and whistle on their gaydar go off simultaneously and deafeningly.

        Is that, or is that not, a mouth made for sucking cock? I maintain, gentlemen and ladies, that it is.

  4. BloviateMe

    It seems to me there was some rumor swirling around a time back, something about Richard Gere sticking a Shervill up his ass?

    I could be wrong.

  5. SorosBot

    I'm beginning to suspect a lot of the sex-obsessed Republicans are a bunch of self-loathing sexual deviants.

    Who knows what Kathryn Lopez must be up to when she thinks no one is looking.

  6. edgydrifter

    Shirvell is like the hetero T-800. He absolutely will not stop until he has sucked all the gay out of Chris Armstrong. Repeatedly.

  7. randcoolcatdaddy

    Won't someone please just buy this guy a package for a gay cruise and a couple of bottles of gin so he can work out his issues without wasting taxpayer money?

  8. Mumbletypeg

    -Violet/ Shirvell/Appellant: "Spitting Being gay is a dirty habit!"
    -Wonka/ Wonkette/Appellee: "I can think of a worse one."

    Appellee gently removes appellant's finger from his ___.

  9. rickmaci

    “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned [Shirvell] repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

    OK, which one of you Wonketteers is writing for the Michigan Civil Service Commission?

    1. emmelemm

      I know – that was a particularly cutting piece of wit to include in an official document, I thought.

      1. redarmyzombie

        Actually, MittBorg, the correct answer is…

        …ALL OF THEM, KATIE!!!

        (I would like to take this moment now to apologize…)

          1. redarmyzombie

            Thanks, Mittborg. I've been a smidge frazzled lately (though to be fair, I have been preoccupied with extended family moving up from LA and my grandmother's 80th birthday)

          2. MittBorg

            (Hugs RAZ) I'm sorry you're frazzled, sweetie. Remember to make some YOU time in the midst of all you have to do. And a VERY happy birfday to your grandma!

    2. Negropolis

      Michigan is lucky to still have its civil service commission. We're even more fortunate that former Democratic governor Jennifer Granholm got to appoint the majority of its members, so while the GOP has been attacking gay employees the commission – who decides personnel matters – actually extended benefits to them and there is nothing the GOP could do about it. It's only two-year terms, so Snyder gets his own picks at the end of this year, but they've been able to protect a lot of workers for two years.

  10. sullivanst

    I don't believe this story. It can't be true. Good news out of Michigan? Unpossible!

  11. poorgradstudent

    Even Anderson Cooper, who I bet was chomping at the bit to do the interview, more or less couldn't keep his professional cool when trying to interview the Sociopath-in-the-Closet, especially when he got exasperated when the SiC kept ignoring his point about putting swastikas on his face and screeched, "It's nothing personal…"

    Even by normal (non-CNN) journalistic standards, that was a superb interview.

  12. poorgradstudent

    Anderson's interview with SiC's boss was also awesome. You don't need to be telepathic to sense him thinking "Fuck, look at what this goddamn psycho has me doing."

  13. redarmyzombie

    Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have found Mitt Romney's latest candidate for running mate…

  14. cinesimonj

    If only he'd kept his mouth shut, like the majority of his ideological comrades. Including, of course, the AG who fired him.

  15. Negropolis

    “Appellant (Shirvell) has stated that he was thrown under the bus by Appellee (Department of the Attorney General) in the interests of political expediency at the altar of political correctness,” the ruling stated.

    “Appellee countered — accurately — that after Appellee had warned Appellant repeatedly that a bus was coming, he chose to walk out in the middle of the road, lie down and wait for the bus to roll over him.”

    Honestly, what else can be said to this than: Oh snap!

    1. mwittier

      It's nice that there's a bus that one can take that stops (or doesn't) right at the Altar of Political Correctness. Good for tourism!

  16. Allmighty_Manos

    When the government doesn't allow it's top law enforcement officers target random people for months of public harassment, you know freedom has truly died.

  17. EBGrey

    Look, the Mich AG repeatedly described himself as a "bus" that was about "to come." So, the AG so he should have know that Andrew Shirvell was going to lay his ass out in front of that.

  18. docterry6973

    Shirvell is himself a Michigan alumnus. It may not be surprising that a random homophopic ass is a Michigan grad, but it is surprising that anyone could be graduated from Michigan knowing nothing of Freud.

    1. Negropolis

      You know, Go Green, but I am surprised that this guy graduated from UofM in the People's Republic of Ann Arbor.

  19. ttommyunger

    He just wants somebody to pay some attention to him, obviously. Slap him, kick him, suck him off, anything! Poor shlub.

Comments are closed.