what a girl wants

GOP Florida Lt. Gov. Lady Giggles That She Can’t Be A Lesbian Because She’s Not Ugly And Stuff

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Hey Florida Lieutenant Governor (and Republican) Jennifer Carroll, what are the reasons that former employee Carletha Cole must be lying when she says she walked in on you in a mutually beneficial arrangement with a female employee? Let us count the ways: 1) Carletha Cole is single and ugly, so she must be the real lesbian. B) Carroll is pretty and black. 3) And furthermore? Married to A MAN! Giggle giggle giggle whee!

Is this one of the grosser anti-gay alibis we’ve seen in some time? Verily, and forsooth! Props to the local news station for pointing out that Cole — who passed a lie detector — is a grandmother and also a pastor. Maybe not a sexy Episcopalian pastor, but a pastor nonetheless. Also, ask John Travolta: “I’m married” just isn’t the alibi it used to be. (God, poor John Travolta.) But why does Carroll even need a gay alibi? Ask Queen Latifah, Whitney Houston, and every other “strongly rumored” black lesbian who isn’t Wanda Sykes, because we do not know the answer at all. Plus also too, she’s, you know, a Republican. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. [Advocate]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Was this the episode on Star Trek with the furry little creatures?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Klingons?

      • nounverb911

        Tribbings.

        • Oblios_Cap

          the Carpet Munchers?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh. Cuz you said "furry" and I figured there was a fetish thing going on.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Tribbles.

    • IncenseDebate

      The Trouble With Nipples

  • IncenseDebate

    It's harder for women to grow a beard.

    • nounverb911

      Anne Coulter shaves daily.

      • GregComlish

        And Lord knows it's not easy shaving around that Adam's apple.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Not in Miami, mijo

  • Blunderthing

    Hahaha. People sure do hate lesbians, even though they fantasize about them all the time. Except for me. I'm a part timer. Right now, anyway.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I think it's sort of an extension of hating women. If you hate women, it just makes sense to hate women who might love women even MOAR.

  • smashedinhat

    Someones a diesel burner, but I can't figure out who. So back to the booze.

  • nounverb911

    "3) And furthermore? Married to A MAN!"
    When did Marcus have a sex change?

  • ProgressiveInga

    Can we get Donna Brazile's opinion on this?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Or Condi Rice's?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think we can all fathom the Brazilian perspective on our own

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, srs, girl, is Donna playing on our team? Because I know someone who's pining away for love!

      • ProgressiveInga

        I don't have pics or anything, but I'd bet ten thousand dental dams that she is. But for a queer, my gaydar is waaaay off. I pretty much assume everyone is gay until they tell me differently.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I went through a period like that. I was SO happy to be out of the closet, I wanted the whole world to be queer like me. I'm'a tell that hopeless faggot to buck up and do eeet. She's been following DB around on Twitter like a lost puppy. Sad, really.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Such trials and tribadulations.

    • Oblios_Cap

      sinking in a gentle pool of whine.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Don't disturb me now! I can see the answers…

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        I would prefer a pool of wine. Champagne even

  • Gopherit

    Oh, do I have some internet links I could post to refute the "women who look like me don't do things like that."

    • ProgressiveInga

      As a Lipstick Lesbo, I resemble that remark!

      • Limeylizzie

        We know you are gorgeous, you are Inga-Binga.

        • ProgressiveInga

          I do love danish, but I'm not blonde….

    • flamingpdog

      We're waiting.

    • Callyson

      This is Wonkette, not StuffyPo…post away!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well? Whattaya waiting for?

  • Oblios_Cap

    She certainly is believable, what with that girly giggling.

  • coolhandnuke

    Carroll is a retro-active lesbian…she's into '50s chicks.

    • Callyson

      I was wondering who was into that cone bra look, besides Madonna circa 1990…

    • Angry_Marmot

      Pity the poor soul who lifts up that poodle skirt.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        WOOF!

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Republicans are not gay. How many times do they have to pound it into you?

    • Nothingisamiss

      They just keep shoving it down our throats.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Be like a man! Strap it on!

    • Gopherit

      Sometimes a potato is just a potato.

    • emmelemm

      Until they cut off my hair.

    • Angry_Marmot

      From top to bottom.

  • Lazy Media

    You ladies just don't know how this works; let me brosplain it for you. The Lt. Gov.'s not a lesbian, just those chicks she has sex with.

    • SorosBot

      She could re-write this classic Onion article as "Why Do All These Lesbians Keep Licking My Clit?"

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        That never gets old. Or soggy.

        • CarolinaStewPie

          I can BI into this. Deeply.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh god every faggot in town has one of those teeshirts.

      I'm not gay, my boyfriend/girlfriend is.

      Are you rly Extemporanus' brother?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Some women can't say the word lesbian… even when their mouth is full of one.
      –Kate Clinton

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, love it!

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          I friggin' love Kate Clinton.

  • nounverb911

    Didn't Charlie Crist giggle a lot too, also?

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's just a part of being Floridian. Rubio titters like a motherfucking schoolgirl.

    • decay500

      Jiggle….

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Them lips been on other lips, if you know what I mean, and I think you do

  • PhilippePetain

    Wait, why do her kids know about her sexual preferences?

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Ewwww.

    • Callyson

      She forgot to keep the noise down the last time her girlfriends came over…and over…

  • Franknflower

    I don't find her attractive at all. Does that make me gay?

    • FakaktaSouth

      Well I thought she was hot and bangable til she started talking so I guess that makes me a dude.

  • sbj1964

    The GOP.The Gay Old Party!Talk about getting called on the Carpet.

    • Oblios_Cap

      and munched out!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I would rather her be gay than to be messing around with her boss…

  • anniegetyerfun

    I'm married to a man, but think women are hot. But I'm not a black Republican, so maybe that's what her problem is.

    • Nothingisamiss

      You have a bun in the oven ! There's no way* for you to be gay!

      *Lots of ways.

      • anniegetyerfun

        There's gold in them thar hills.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          OK, now you've got e thinking about them thar hills, and that is NOT OK with Preggo LayDeez.

          So when's the baby due?

          • anniegetyerfun

            End of October. If she takes after my husband, she'll be here early. If she takes after me, she'll arrive late. I'm hoping she'll split the difference and arrive right on time. :)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well, let's hope she starts life right by doing what Mama wants.

            So, it's a girl. Got a name picked out yet?

          • anniegetyerfun

            Several. Now I just have to talk the husband out of the ones that are Old Norse war princesses or whatever.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Here's hoping your little girl arrives happy, healthy, and beautiful. You'll have to come brag after your ordeal is over. With pix.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't even understand why the one should preclude the other. I'm married to a man and I think men, women, and transexuals of various kinds are hot. She needs to move to NY or SF or LA and get a taste of big city life. What a fucking bumpkin.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Do NOT name her after anybody on Wonkette. Gurukalehuru would be a terrible baby name. Baconzgood would be even worse.

  • JustPixelz

    Is her husband's name Marcus?

    It's a good thing she's a Repubican. Because if a Demoncrat was accused of being a lesbian, it would be all 24×7 on Fux News.

    In her denial, she's kinda declaring her own personal war on women.

    • va_real

      I thought she had already declared her own personal war on women (& men) when she became a Repug?

    • HogeyeGrex

      A little trench warfare?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Rent Girls FTW! Hee Hee.

  • GregComlish

    Wait-a-minute! Wasn't Jennifer Carroll one of those lesbians who assaulted Michele Bachmann in the bathroom??

  • Schmannnity

    War on Women day 287. Lt. Gov. of Florida declares: if you're a single woman, you're a lesbian.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    She's ugly where it counts.

  • MissTaken

    Carletha Cole is single and ugly, so she must be the real lesbian

    By that logic Kathryn Jean Lopez is also a lesbian. A virgin lesbian, but still a lesbian.

    • anniegetyerfun

      … AND my sex drive just jumped off a cliff.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Actually, that's a question I often get from LGBTQ friends. If you have a sexual inclination, but don't act on it (either because you have Bed Death syndrome, or young kids so you never have the time, or you're just going through a celibate phase), does that mean you can't call yourself by whatever label your group uses to designate sexual preference? After all, if you're not having sex at all, there's hardly any room to talk about your sexuality, is there?

  • BloviateMe

    Nice to see she didn't hesitate , and countered the lesbianic claims lickety-split.

    • IncenseDebate

      Haha you said "lickety-split."

      • BloviateMe

        Yeah but, you said that I said "lickety-split."

        • IncenseDebate

          Yeah, you know, lesbians. LICKety SPLIT.

  • RadioSlut

    She also does not use scissors.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      See her forthcoming: Running from Scissors, a Memoir

  • Jus_Wonderin

    What, you can't anymore tell they are lesbian by their flannel shirts and tool belts?

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    The Republicans are breaking new barriers. No longer are Republican married men the only ones caught in gay sex scandels

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Missus Lieuty-Gov' Carroll, how you disappoint. Long time with the same husband, so what? Don't you know, woman, it's the marryin' kind that are proven The Most Likely To Get Divorced!!

  • WhatTheHeck

    The lady doth protest too much.

    • AddHomonym

      “…too much munch.” There, fixed that for you.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Just because an aide mistakes an Indian Leg wrestling exhibition for sexytime…

  • LettucePrey

    But does she have long fingers? That's what the lezzies call "well-hung."

    • CleverSobriquet

      And the closely cropped fingernails gives it away everytime

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        I didn't see her fingers. She was just sitting in the corner licking her eyebrows.

  • Terry

    So, is this the female equivalent to a man announcing that he has a wide stance?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Fish tacos for lunch I think…

    • Tundra Grifter

      Red snapper?

      Or a tuna taco with a side order of thighs?

  • BloviateMe

    You know, building the Republican log cabin with a tongue-in-groove construction style will only help strengthen the structure of said cabin.

  • Billmatic

    Call your girlfriend, it's time you had the talk.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    A Republican denying that they are gay. Is there any better way to know that we are in full election mode?

  • savethispatient

    Remember, it's not gay if you're the big spoon.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, lesbians can't be attractive? Try telling that to Jodie Foster, Portia de Rossi, half the WNBA…

    • MissTaken

      They aren't really lesbians, they just haven't found a good man yet.

      • SorosBot

        But then Elinor Roosevelt was married to a good man and that didn't stop her.

      • Fare la Volpe

        They just need to marry a nice ex-gay gentleman, so they can have a mutually beneficial arrangement together. That's all marriage is, really: growing old and growing beards together.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Hugs the Fare) You're wicked smart, boy. And that's equal parts wicked and smart.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yes, they're all committed to their careers. And Subarus.

        • DahBoner

          Yeah, I used to be a lesbian–I mean owned a Subaru…

    • ProgressiveInga

      Chely Wright is hot, too.

      But whatever you do, do NOT google 'pretty lesbos'……

      • SorosBot

        But I'm at home, and so can look up pretty "lesbian" photos and videos all I want!

      • Angry_Marmot

        Well, there goes my leisure time…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Greta Garbo …

      • OurDailyBread

        and the inimitable Marlene Dietrich.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yesssss!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Jeesh people. Just because she makes all of her female employees go down on her all the time doesn't mean she's gay.

  • sezme

    Interesting to note that in all that yakety yak about "my husband knows the type of woman I am" and "usually black women who look like me don't engage in relationships like that" she never denies what Carletha Cole said.

  • Estproph

    Time to give her the definitive test: blindfold her and put her in a fish market.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      If all the women you're sexing have fishy-smelling cunts, you really should do your best to warn them about vaginosis.

  • flamingpdog

    Finally, on the fourth try, my work computer let me view the video. I think my computer was trying to tell me something.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's good to see her husband's right out there telling the world what he knows.

    What?!

  • Tundra Grifter

    I think she has the low down on the down low.

  • James Michael Curley

    OT: Best summer show cancelled. Ron Paul looses Nebraska, will not get 'automatically' placed in nomination in Tampa.
    One less Rand to kick around.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      In addition to the PaulBearers' cancellation of their Liberty Loopdeloop in FL, this is good news.

      • Jadetiger79

        I wonder if it will get replaced with the Justice Juggalos.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Apparently, one group had a falling out with the other (which is Ron Paul's OFFICIAL host), so the first group folded. The Pauliots will still be showing up en masse to celebrate "Liberty or Whatever," by weeping copiously and taking shots at random Republicans and posing for photos while stroking their *guns.*

  • RadioSlut

    BTW, FWIW, I don't find her "attractive."

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Being attractive never stopped Jada Fire or Jenna Jameson from dining at the Y.

    • emmelemm

      Point of order: I don't know who Jada Fire is, but do you really consider Jenna Jameson attractive?

      • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Pre Plastic surgery yes. Post, no way.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Pre-facial surgery? Yes.

        Jada Fire is…well….scrumptious.

  • RedneckMuslin

    She giggles like Anderson Cooper.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Hate to be the one to tell you, but Jennifer…tee hee…you aren't all that.

    (Looked in the mirror lately?)

  • widestanceromance

    No one accused her of being a stone butch lesbian, so the "pretty" alibi fails. Maybe she's the, you know, woman one in the lesbian, you know, thing.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Lesbo #1: "Let me be frank."
      Lesbo #2: "No, let ME be Frank."

      Don't remember the joke, just the punch line.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It *really* shoulda been "Phranc."

  • metamarcisf

    Madame Curie was the first scientist to split the beaver.

  • GregComlish

    Seriously people, Jennifer Carroll is not hot! I'd rather jerk off to a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's

    • IncenseDebate

      Who hasn't?

    • GregComlish

      And BTW, even you did jerk off to Mrs. Buttersworth, your fingers still wouldn't be as sticky as Jennifer Carroll's

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    How can she be a lesbian when she's a gay man? Ta Heee heeee……

  • rhubarbpie2

    I think we should note for the record that Lt. Gov. Carroll does not actually deny the accusation. A giggle is not a denial.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Tee hee.

  • mavenmaven

    She's not a lesbian, she just enjoys having sex with women. Its like the offshore vs outsourcing thing, if you can't understand these differences then you must be Paul Krugman or something.

  • ChessieNefercat

    " And furthermore? Married to A MAN!"
    That made me think of this for some reason: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AuFV09uviI

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That was hilarious!

    • Isyaignert

      Ha! I haven't heard that in years – thanks!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't know if they're related, but Diahann Carroll was pretty hot, back in the day.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    WTH?! Jenny, honey, sump'n don't sound right here and all that little-girl tee-hee shit ain't deflecting attention like you thought it would, neither.

    Geez. A grown fucking woman. Er, I mean, well, never mind. Y'all know damn well what I mean.

  • widestanceromance

    Perhaps she's a retroactively heterosexual lesbain (typo and it stays).

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

    And suddenly, this is technically not off-topic.

  • shortsandpants

    Ugly lesbions? This woman isn't watching enough porn.

  • rocktonsam

    maybe the hiking boots and rainbow bumper sticker were a dead give away

  • larrykat

    Holy shit she is more gay than I thought she was.

  • HolyCow!!

    This sounds like a Clinton style play on words to me…She's not a lesbian because she's bisexual.

    Mystery solved.

  • Guppy

    Only the big donors get treated to her bondage show.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    We still haven't seen any photos of seductress Beatrix Ramos. How are we suppose to arrive at an informed opinion if we haven't seen pictures of Beatrix Ramos?

  • Isyaignert

    To answer the question, I do think there is something wrong with a black woman being an operative for the Republicons. In this case, she's either a self-loathing closeted homosexual like 75% of them or she's just stupid.

  • DahBoner

    At least John Travola knows how to fly. Can Lesbians fly, too?