WHAT A GIRL WANTS  3:15 pm July 16, 2012

GOP Florida Lt. Gov. Lady Giggles That She Can’t Be A Lesbian Because She’s Not Ugly And Stuff

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hey Florida Lieutenant Governor (and Republican) Jennifer Carroll, what are the reasons that former employee Carletha Cole must be lying when she says she walked in on you in a mutually beneficial arrangement with a female employee? Let us count the ways: 1) Carletha Cole is single and ugly, so she must be the real lesbian. B) Carroll is pretty and black. 3) And furthermore? Married to A MAN! Giggle giggle giggle whee!

Is this one of the grosser anti-gay alibis we’ve seen in some time? Verily, and forsooth! Props to the local news station for pointing out that Cole — who passed a lie detector — is a grandmother and also a pastor. Maybe not a sexy Episcopalian pastor, but a pastor nonetheless. Also, ask John Travolta: “I’m married” just isn’t the alibi it used to be. (God, poor John Travolta.) But why does Carroll even need a gay alibi? Ask Queen Latifah, Whitney Houston, and every other “strongly rumored” black lesbian who isn’t Wanda Sykes, because we do not know the answer at all. Plus also too, she’s, you know, a Republican. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. [Advocate]

 
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{ 168 comments }

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Was this the episode on Star Trek with the furry little creatures?

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Klingons?

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Tribbings.

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

the Carpet Munchers?

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Oh. Cuz you said "furry" and I figured there was a fetish thing going on.

Jus_Wonderin July 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Tribbles.

IncenseDebate July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

The Trouble With Nipples

IncenseDebate July 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

It's harder for women to grow a beard.

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Anne Coulter shaves daily.

GregComlish July 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

And Lord knows it's not easy shaving around that Adam's apple.

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Not in Miami, mijo

Blunderthing July 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Hahaha. People sure do hate lesbians, even though they fantasize about them all the time. Except for me. I'm a part timer. Right now, anyway.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I think it's sort of an extension of hating women. If you hate women, it just makes sense to hate women who might love women even MOAR.

smashedinhat July 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Someones a diesel burner, but I can't figure out who. So back to the booze.

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"3) And furthermore? Married to A MAN!"
When did Marcus have a sex change?

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Can we get Donna Brazile's opinion on this?

Nothingisamiss July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Or Condi Rice's?

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I think we can all fathom the Brazilian perspective on our own

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Oh, srs, girl, is Donna playing on our team? Because I know someone who's pining away for love!

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I don't have pics or anything, but I'd bet ten thousand dental dams that she is. But for a queer, my gaydar is waaaay off. I pretty much assume everyone is gay until they tell me differently.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I went through a period like that. I was SO happy to be out of the closet, I wanted the whole world to be queer like me. I'm'a tell that hopeless faggot to buck up and do eeet. She's been following DB around on Twitter like a lost puppy. Sad, really.

Angry_Marmot July 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Such trials and tribadulations.

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

sinking in a gentle pool of whine.

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Don't disturb me now! I can see the answers…

Maman July 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I would prefer a pool of wine. Champagne even

Gopherit July 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Oh, do I have some internet links I could post to refute the "women who look like me don't do things like that."

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

As a Lipstick Lesbo, I resemble that remark!

Limeylizzie July 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

We know you are gorgeous, you are Inga-Binga.

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I do love danish, but I'm not blonde….

flamingpdog July 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

We're waiting.

Callyson July 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

This is Wonkette, not StuffyPo…post away!

Gopherit July 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Okay, but just one. I leave the rest as an exercise for the reader:
http://et0.xhamster.com/t/430/320/1_248430.jpg

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Tasty. (sigh)

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Well? Whattaya waiting for?

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

She certainly is believable, what with that girly giggling.

coolhandnuke July 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Carroll is a retro-active lesbian…she's into '50s chicks.

Callyson July 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I was wondering who was into that cone bra look, besides Madonna circa 1990…

Angry_Marmot July 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Pity the poor soul who lifts up that poodle skirt.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

WOOF!

iburl July 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Republicans are not gay. How many times do they have to pound it into you?

Nothingisamiss July 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

They just keep shoving it down our throats.

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Be like a man! Strap it on!

Gopherit July 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Sometimes a potato is just a potato.

emmelemm July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Until they cut off my hair.

Angry_Marmot July 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

From top to bottom.

Lazy Media July 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

You ladies just don't know how this works; let me brosplain it for you. The Lt. Gov.'s not a lesbian, just those chicks she has sex with.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

She could re-write this classic Onion article as "Why Do All These Lesbians Keep Licking My Clit?"

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

That never gets old. Or soggy.

CarolinaStewPie July 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I can BI into this. Deeply.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Oh god every faggot in town has one of those teeshirts.

I'm not gay, my boyfriend/girlfriend is.

Are you rly Extemporanus' brother?

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Some women can't say the word lesbian… even when their mouth is full of one.
–Kate Clinton

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Oh, love it!

Butch_Wagstaff July 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I friggin' love Kate Clinton.

nounverb911 July 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Didn't Charlie Crist giggle a lot too, also?

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

That's just a part of being Floridian. Rubio titters like a motherfucking schoolgirl.

decay500 July 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Jiggle….

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Them lips been on other lips, if you know what I mean, and I think you do

PhilippePetain July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Wait, why do her kids know about her sexual preferences?

Maman July 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Ewwww.

Callyson July 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

She forgot to keep the noise down the last time her girlfriends came over…and over…

Franknflower July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I don't find her attractive at all. Does that make me gay?

FakaktaSouth July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Well I thought she was hot and bangable til she started talking so I guess that makes me a dude.

sbj1964 July 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

The GOP.The Gay Old Party!Talk about getting called on the Carpet.

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

and munched out!

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I would rather her be gay than to be messing around with her boss…

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I'm married to a man, but think women are hot. But I'm not a black Republican, so maybe that's what her problem is.

Nothingisamiss July 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

You have a bun in the oven ! There's no way* for you to be gay!

*Lots of ways.

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

There's gold in them thar hills.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

OK, now you've got e thinking about them thar hills, and that is NOT OK with Preggo LayDeez.

So when's the baby due?

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

End of October. If she takes after my husband, she'll be here early. If she takes after me, she'll arrive late. I'm hoping she'll split the difference and arrive right on time. :)

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I don't even understand why the one should preclude the other. I'm married to a man and I think men, women, and transexuals of various kinds are hot. She needs to move to NY or SF or LA and get a taste of big city life. What a fucking bumpkin.

gurukalehuru July 17, 2012 at 4:40 am

Do NOT name her after anybody on Wonkette. Gurukalehuru would be a terrible baby name. Baconzgood would be even worse.

JustPixelz July 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Is her husband's name Marcus?

It's a good thing she's a Repubican. Because if a Demoncrat was accused of being a lesbian, it would be all 24×7 on Fux News.

In her denial, she's kinda declaring her own personal war on women.

va_real July 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I thought she had already declared her own personal war on women (& men) when she became a Repug?

HogeyeGrex July 17, 2012 at 3:17 am

A little trench warfare?

Mittens Howell, III July 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Rent Girls FTW! Hee Hee.

GregComlish July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Wait-a-minute! Wasn't Jennifer Carroll one of those lesbians who assaulted Michele Bachmann in the bathroom??

Schmannnity July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

War on Women day 287. Lt. Gov. of Florida declares: if you're a single woman, you're a lesbian.

Chill_Bill July 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

She's ugly where it counts.

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Deep down inside?

HogeyeGrex July 17, 2012 at 3:20 am
MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Carletha Cole is single and ugly, so she must be the real lesbian

By that logic Kathryn Jean Lopez is also a lesbian. A virgin lesbian, but still a lesbian.

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

… AND my sex drive just jumped off a cliff.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Actually, that's a question I often get from LGBTQ friends. If you have a sexual inclination, but don't act on it (either because you have Bed Death syndrome, or young kids so you never have the time, or you're just going through a celibate phase), does that mean you can't call yourself by whatever label your group uses to designate sexual preference? After all, if you're not having sex at all, there's hardly any room to talk about your sexuality, is there?

BloviateMe July 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Nice to see she didn't hesitate , and countered the lesbianic claims lickety-split.

IncenseDebate July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Haha you said "lickety-split."

BloviateMe July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Yeah but, you said that I said "lickety-split."

IncenseDebate July 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Yeah, you know, lesbians. LICKety SPLIT.

RadioSlut July 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

She also does not use scissors.

deanbooth July 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

See her forthcoming: Running from Scissors, a Memoir

Jus_Wonderin July 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

What, you can't anymore tell they are lesbian by their flannel shirts and tool belts?

Dr. Nick Riviera July 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

The Republicans are breaking new barriers. No longer are Republican married men the only ones caught in gay sex scandels

Mumbletypeg July 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Missus Lieuty-Gov' Carroll, how you disappoint. Long time with the same husband, so what? Don't you know, woman, it's the marryin' kind that are proven The Most Likely To Get Divorced!!

WhatTheHeck July 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The lady doth protest too much.

AddHomonym July 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

“…too much munch.” There, fixed that for you.

GlowneyHouse July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Just because an aide mistakes an Indian Leg wrestling exhibition for sexytime…

LettucePrey July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

But does she have long fingers? That's what the lezzies call "well-hung."

CleverSobriquet July 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And the closely cropped fingernails gives it away everytime

Spurning Beer July 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I didn't see her fingers. She was just sitting in the corner licking her eyebrows.

Terry July 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

So, is this the female equivalent to a man announcing that he has a wide stance?

mrblifil July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Fish tacos for lunch I think…

Tundra Grifter July 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Red snapper?

Or a tuna taco with a side order of thighs?

BloviateMe July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

You know, building the Republican log cabin with a tongue-in-groove construction style will only help strengthen the structure of said cabin.

Billmatic July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Call your girlfriend, it's time you had the talk.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

A Republican denying that they are gay. Is there any better way to know that we are in full election mode?

savethispatient July 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Remember, it's not gay if you're the big spoon.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Wait, lesbians can't be attractive? Try telling that to Jodie Foster, Portia de Rossi, half the WNBA…

MissTaken July 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

They aren't really lesbians, they just haven't found a good man yet.

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

But then Elinor Roosevelt was married to a good man and that didn't stop her.

Fare la Volpe July 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

They just need to marry a nice ex-gay gentleman, so they can have a mutually beneficial arrangement together. That's all marriage is, really: growing old and growing beards together.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

(Hugs the Fare) You're wicked smart, boy. And that's equal parts wicked and smart.

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Yes, they're all committed to their careers. And Subarus.

DahBoner July 19, 2012 at 8:25 am

Yeah, I used to be a lesbian–I mean owned a Subaru…

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Chely Wright is hot, too.

But whatever you do, do NOT google 'pretty lesbos'……

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

But I'm at home, and so can look up pretty "lesbian" photos and videos all I want!

Angry_Marmot July 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Well, there goes my leisure time…

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Greta Garbo …

OurDailyBread July 16, 2012 at 10:32 pm

and the inimitable Marlene Dietrich.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Yesssss!

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Jeesh people. Just because she makes all of her female employees go down on her all the time doesn't mean she's gay.

BaldarTFlagass July 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

"Why are these homosexuals always sucking on my dick?"

SorosBot July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm
sezme July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Interesting to note that in all that yakety yak about "my husband knows the type of woman I am" and "usually black women who look like me don't engage in relationships like that" she never denies what Carletha Cole said.

Estproph July 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Time to give her the definitive test: blindfold her and put her in a fish market.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

If all the women you're sexing have fishy-smelling cunts, you really should do your best to warn them about vaginosis.

flamingpdog July 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Finally, on the fourth try, my work computer let me view the video. I think my computer was trying to tell me something.

Oblios_Cap July 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

It's good to see her husband's right out there telling the world what he knows.

What?!

Tundra Grifter July 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I think she has the low down on the down low.

James Michael Curley July 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

OT: Best summer show cancelled. Ron Paul looses Nebraska, will not get 'automatically' placed in nomination in Tampa.
One less Rand to kick around.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

In addition to the PaulBearers' cancellation of their Liberty Loopdeloop in FL, this is good news.

Jadetiger79 July 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I wonder if it will get replaced with the Justice Juggalos.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Apparently, one group had a falling out with the other (which is Ron Paul's OFFICIAL host), so the first group folded. The Pauliots will still be showing up en masse to celebrate "Liberty or Whatever," by weeping copiously and taking shots at random Republicans and posing for photos while stroking their *guns.*

RadioSlut July 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

BTW, FWIW, I don't find her "attractive."

ManchuCandidate July 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Being attractive never stopped Jada Fire or Jenna Jameson from dining at the Y.

emmelemm July 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Point of order: I don't know who Jada Fire is, but do you really consider Jenna Jameson attractive?

ManchuCandidate July 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Pre Plastic surgery yes. Post, no way.

actor212 July 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Pre-facial surgery? Yes.

Jada Fire is…well….scrumptious.

RedneckMuslin July 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

She giggles like Anderson Cooper.

DemmeFatale July 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Hate to be the one to tell you, but Jennifer…tee hee…you aren't all that.

(Looked in the mirror lately?)

widestanceromance July 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

No one accused her of being a stone butch lesbian, so the "pretty" alibi fails. Maybe she's the, you know, woman one in the lesbian, you know, thing.

ProgressiveInga July 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Lesbo #1: "Let me be frank."
Lesbo #2: "No, let ME be Frank."

Don't remember the joke, just the punch line.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

It *really* shoulda been "Phranc."

metamarcisf July 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Madame Curie was the first scientist to split the beaver.

GregComlish July 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Seriously people, Jennifer Carroll is not hot! I'd rather jerk off to a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's

IncenseDebate July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Who hasn't?

GregComlish July 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And BTW, even you did jerk off to Mrs. Buttersworth, your fingers still wouldn't be as sticky as Jennifer Carroll's

randcoolcatdaddy July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

How can she be a lesbian when she's a gay man? Ta Heee heeee……

rhubarbpie2 July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I think we should note for the record that Lt. Gov. Carroll does not actually deny the accusation. A giggle is not a denial.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Tee hee.

mavenmaven July 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

She's not a lesbian, she just enjoys having sex with women. Its like the offshore vs outsourcing thing, if you can't understand these differences then you must be Paul Krugman or something.

ChessieNefercat July 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

" And furthermore? Married to A MAN!"
That made me think of this for some reason: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AuFV09uviI

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

That was hilarious!

Isyaignert July 18, 2012 at 12:59 am

Ha! I haven't heard that in years – thanks!!

BaldarTFlagass July 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I don't know if they're related, but Diahann Carroll was pretty hot, back in the day.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

WTH?! Jenny, honey, sump'n don't sound right here and all that little-girl tee-hee shit ain't deflecting attention like you thought it would, neither.

Geez. A grown fucking woman. Er, I mean, well, never mind. Y'all know damn well what I mean.

widestanceromance July 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Perhaps she's a retroactively heterosexual lesbain (typo and it stays).

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And suddenly, this is technically not off-topic.

shortsandpants July 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Ugly lesbions? This woman isn't watching enough porn.

rocktonsam July 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

maybe the hiking boots and rainbow bumper sticker were a dead give away

larrykat July 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Holy shit she is more gay than I thought she was.

HolyCow!! July 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

This sounds like a Clinton style play on words to me…She's not a lesbian because she's bisexual.

Mystery solved.

Guppy July 16, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Only the big donors get treated to her bondage show.

gurukalehuru July 17, 2012 at 4:50 am

We still haven't seen any photos of seductress Beatrix Ramos. How are we suppose to arrive at an informed opinion if we haven't seen pictures of Beatrix Ramos?

Isyaignert July 18, 2012 at 12:52 am

To answer the question, I do think there is something wrong with a black woman being an operative for the Republicons. In this case, she's either a self-loathing closeted homosexual like 75% of them or she's just stupid.

DahBoner July 19, 2012 at 8:22 am

At least John Travola knows how to fly. Can Lesbians fly, too?

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Well, let's hope she starts life right by doing what Mama wants.

So, it's a girl. Got a name picked out yet?

anniegetyerfun July 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Several. Now I just have to talk the husband out of the ones that are Old Norse war princesses or whatever.

MittBorg July 16, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Here's hoping your little girl arrives happy, healthy, and beautiful. You'll have to come brag after your ordeal is over. With pix.

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