After Gabrielle Giffords (HIIII GABBY! HIIII!) is shot and almost killed in a Tucson strip mall toward the end of this week’s Old Man Sorkin Presents: Get Off My Lawn, there is a devastatingly suspenseful sequence when we literally were on the edge of our mattress wondering if fictional news network ACN was going to succumb to peer pressure and Pronounce Congresswoman Giffords Dead. For serious, we were in suspense, not even kidding, but of course Aaron Sorkin (played by Jeff Daniels) and his producer, Avian Bones, do the right thing and wait for actual confirmation beyond that NPR reporter’s most horrifying career moment (which we are very sure he or she is super glad to be able to relive). Because they are perfect, and will civilize the rest of us even if it means Carrie Bradshaw will die of thirst because every Cosmo in the world has given its life to be thrown in Sorkin’s civilizing face.

And we actually really liked this episode, despite the terribly clunky framing devices of the aforementioned “funny” drink-throwing and also Bigfoot. (We are pretty fucking tired of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster being used as punchlines, since it is your Editrix’s firm belief — and therefore Official Wonket Policy — that FUCK YEAH, BIGFOOT!) We are (for real) digging going back in time to answer all the Tea Party moronistas, two years too late. It is fun!

The most important question of the episode, of course, wasn’t about why all the people in the newsroom were willingly at their office New Year’s party, or about the importance of waiting to do the Right Thing, while precious seconds whiz by and Jane Fonda’s Hench-Son (she is Grown-Up Faye Dunaway, of course, now bringing her sleazy ethics to the whole of the Network) threatens to murder them all for refusing to be wrong about a matter of life and death. No, the far more important question is: Why won’t women let Aaron Sorkin explain to them, “shut up”?

Plotwise, Hope Davis is a disgusting TMZ (TMI, haha) reporter and Aaron Sorkin gets all Condescending Jon Stewart on her and frowns at her that she is hurting America, so she spends the rest of the episode personally mutilating him in the pages of her glossy. Since he is a disgusting slut, she has a lot to work with. But uh oh, then Jack McCoy all of a sudden remembers that THEY own TMI, so if Aaron Sorkin is getting savaged for just being too great a guy, then the CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Also, there is Bigfoot, and the mousy one is torn between two lovers, and Avian Bones is going out with Brenda Johnson’s husband, the hot alcoholic from The Closer, but he looks like he has had some Botox? Sad face — haha, if he could! But Sorkin can’t close the deal with any of his brain surgeon dates, because of how he is basically an Insult Comic of a man, and apparently all his dates have self esteem no matter how hard he tries to fix that, the end.

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  • I had to turn off that shit after I watched True Blood last night and they have a storyline with faeries.

    • Homophobe…

      • I will watch a naked Alexander Skarsgård make out with anyone.

        • MissTaken

          I would normally say 'hell yes!' until I watched him in Melancholia. He had a weird accent (and so did his father in real life, Stellan) and came across like a dope. Totally trashed my image of Erik the Viking Vampire.

          • was he naked?

          • No. Only Kirsten Dunst.

            It was a pretty good film

          • MissTaken

            Close, underwear.

  • tbogg

    On the plus side Michelle Bachmann was punched in the vagina again, so there is that…

    • nounverb911

      Is it real, or does it only pop out foster kids?

    • Beowoof

      And we know it wasn't Marcus doing the punching.

  • Estproph

    I have Showtime. So there.

  • MiniMencken

    I sensing a lot of anger here, Rebecca. Also, a lack of actual news stories to write about.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Another post about a TV show I don't watch? Well, I'm just glad Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan's Island are no longer on the air.

    • ChessieNefercat

      You think they're not on the air. Oh, you meant new ones?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And that communist, Andy Griffith?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Actually, if you have a MEtv affiliate in your area…the BH is still running. And many other classics. I am sort of addicted (particularly by the way we looked at life through the decades).

  • hollywooddood

    I'm glad ACN waited for confirmation on the Giffords thing. They needed criticism like a hole in the head.

  • nounverb911

    The outlawyered bit was stolen from the West Wing.

    • JustPixelz

      Plagiarism! I guess Sorkin got the idea from that movie about a guy who steals someone one else's idea for a website.

    • ChessieNefercat

      This seems to be the definitive encyclopedia of Sorkin self-plagiarism. I forget where I first saw it, probably here.
      Sorkin supercuts:

  • flamingpdog

    WIth all the "Oh my God"s and "Fuck"s in the audio, you'd think I'd find the video a lot easier to fap to than I did.

  • sbj1964

    Virgina Punches? They never show that on America's funniest video's.Yet random guy takes it in the NUTS is funny?

    • harobedyelsnit

      I think Virginia Punches are made with Hawaiian Punch, ginger ale and moonshine. I don't know what's in a nutshot?

  • SorosBot

    Does Bigfoot disprove evolution like the Loch Ness Monster, according to the Lousiana school system?

    • nounverb911

      Have you ever seen Bobby Jindal and Bigfoot together in the same room?

      • flamingpdog

        I've seen a Bigfoot in Jindal's mouth on many occasions.

        • Now THAT would be interesting: Squatch porn.

          • SorosBot

            Rule 34; it's out there somewhere.

          • Indeed


          • Extemporanus

            Snatchsquatch, natch.

          • Angry_Marmot

            Robert Crumb, "Whiteman Meets Bigfoot", way back in 1971.

        • chicken_thief

          Repub Govs who suck Koch libelz!!!!!

          Rick Perry, I'm looking at you….

    • larrykat

      No, because in, like, 2 million years Bigfoot is going to OWN US.

      • Bigfoot…Bain Capital…so THAT'S why Romney couldn't resign!

    • Guppy

      No, Bigfoot lives in ridiculously blue states, so he's probably a communist atheist. Nessie, however, comes from a place where men wear dresses, which is good Christian* values.

      *(Punishable by death, as per Leviticus, I believe)

  • nounverb911

    Where are all the Krazee Kristians?

  • Possible Sasquatch or Bigfoot?
    LOL, it's got to be one or the other!

  • Nostrildamus

    Big foot, big _____.

    • Jus_Wonderin


    • widestanceromance


    • HistoriCat


  • and therefore Official Wonket Policy — that FUCK YEAH, BIGFOOT!

    Totally want to see Editrix and Ranae Holland scissoring now…

    • flamingpdog

      Now that I could fap to.

  • MissTaken

    I'm looking forward to the A Very Special Episode® of Newsroom when they interview Bristol about why Willow is such a bitch who won't change Tripp's diapers.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I wish Willow would say "HEY BITCH, it Ain'T MY BABY! I TAKE MY PILLS, WHORE" and run off laughing forever. I want one of them to be the black sheep and turn out super smart and cool and then do a hilarious, can you believe this was my life expose.

    • I am going with poop as the answer

  • I've yet to have a chance to watch the last two episodes. Have there been any nudity yet? Really, the only reason I'm watching is for Sports Night with titties.

  • Needs moar cockpunching

    • Oblios_Cap

      It sounds like it needs more donkeypunching…

  • LastGasp

    To think I could be wasting my time watching this show — thanks for the warning!!

  • I have to watch that vile misogyny because my wife is partial to the show, fucking bitch.

  • SmutBoffin

    Actually Editrix, fossil evidence indicates that different hominin species coexisted in the recent-ish past, so the current existence of bigfoots and samsqanshes and abominable whatevers cannot be ruled out by some 'single niche/single species' principle.

    But I don't think that those rednecks with handicams and samsquansh bait will find them any time soon.

    • The video posted above looks like a guy with a big backpack and down jacket on.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't Samsquansh just north of Issaquah?

      • SoBeach

        You're thinking of Squatnomish.

        • I always thought it was a kind of skin cancer.

        • SayItWithWookies

          So they're looking for an elusive font? I don't understand why this is such a mystery.

    • SoBeach

      …so the current existence of bigfoots and samsqanshes and abominable whatevers cannot be ruled out…

      A breeding population of seven foot tall apes would tend to leave clues here and there.

      • SmutBoffin

        SHHHH! The livelihoods of many History Channel producers depend on this garbage. Also, you heard the Wonket Website Lady: shit's for real.

        • redarmyzombie

          Don't worry, they'll always have Hitler.

      • There are used condoms all over the forest!

  • Billmatic

    Buh buh buh bigfoot strikes again
    and he's got no place in the simian race

  • I watched Breaking Bad instead.

    • Whatever

      Ding Ding Ding.

  • Cliché Dressage! Interesting.

  • Oblios_Cap

    57 Channels and There's Nothing On!

    • SorosBot

      57? With digital cable now it's over 1000, and there's still usually nothing but crap.

      • Springsteen reference fail.

        …and There's Nothing On!

        See Maman's observation, about the wonders of menswear when "True Blood" opts out of men wearing anything, at all~

    • MissTaken

      That makes Chris Christie haz a sad.

    • Nostrildamus

      I like watching shows with nothing on.

  • SoBeach

    I'm not even trying to get it.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    It's BigSkullF*ckingFoot. FUCK YEAH!

  • how is Aaron Sorkin belitting women today?

    Like a typical pig. Remember, you can't spell "Sorkin" without "O-I-N-K-S."

  • qwerty42

    Well, off-topic, but … uh, editrix:

    • flamingpdog

      Here, kitty kitty.

  • Extemporanus

    Rebecca, please remove that video of me.

    Thank you.

  • Billmatic

    I added Sorkin to the list of "notable bloviators" on the word's Wikipedia page.

  • Terry

    "But uh oh, then Jack McCoy all of a sudden remembers that THEY own TMI, so if Aaron Sorkin is getting savaged for just being too great a guy, then the CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!"

    Oh, it's more sinister than just that. The leak was also from within their company. Jane Fonda had given both Jeff Daniels and Sam Waterston custom made tuxedos as presents, costing $4000 each. This means 1. Daniels and Waterson's characters are toy boys of their lady boss, and 2. that it was Jane Fonda's character leaking info on Jeff Daniels in order to set him up to be fired.

    • Guppy

      So Fonda's boytoys are old enough to be non-threatening to the male audience?

      Christ, I can see right through that and I don't even have a vagina!

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Thank you for taking one for the team and watching this self-important nonsense fest. I literally would rather have a root canal. Daniels and Waterston together just blow up my tolerance for resonant, patronizing smuggery.

  • SayItWithWookies

    In other television a clef news, on Inspector Lewis last night, the internet gossip purveyor, who ran a sight called (I guess even in England would've been unhip) was called Tim Renton, not at all like the Gawker empire's Nick Denton.

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    The more I watch this, the more I realize that Sorkin is just as bad at writing men as he is at writing women!

    While Mcavoy/Olbermann can't contain his compulsive urge to pick an insufferably condescending argument with everyone he meets, Mousey's boyfriend pulls the weakest passive aggressive guilt trip to humiliate his reluctant girlfriend while remaining too much a coward to just come out and accuse her of liking the other dude.

    I don't know who I dislike more – the characters, or Sorkin for writing them!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    As a wise man once said, this would be sooo much better if a pack of wolves attacked them. I'm just sayin'……..

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    oh and what the holy fuck is up with using Coldplay's Fix You? What is this, a 2006 episode of Grey's Anatomy?

  • Nostrildamus

    Those clinging to the BigFoot myth might wish to consider there is no fossil evidence for any great apes in North America before modern humans migrated from Asia during the last ice age.

    • Lazy Media

      Pffft! Satan puts the fossils wherever he likes, to make us doubt the Word of God. Didn't you go to school?

  • Franknflower

    Bigoot Lives!!!! Evolution is a lie!!!!!!

  • Lazy Media

    You want to get sad? Read weirdo, old-man Dan Rather's "Newsroom" fapviews on Gawker. Rather seems to think it's a documentary, and a super well-made one at that.

  • MissNancyPriss

    It's not THAT bad.

  • arcadesproject

    Aaron Sorkin is enbarrassing. I have never seen or heard of creature who is more cringe-making. If I were a professional woman hater, I would not want him on my side. He would be silly if he were not a pathetic bloviator who causes me to feel a sort of shame-by-proxy because he and I are members of the same species.

  • telecustom1972

    Calling a Sasquatch a "Bigfoot" is the same as calling a Native American "Redman" or a Jewish person "Bignose". It's insensitive and its predjudice so just cut it out!

  • I listened to Sorkin on Fresh Air today. Now I want to watch his show. It can't be worse than Arli$$.

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