alien vs. predator

Massive Heaps Of Elephant Dung: A Recap Of Sigourney Clinton Playing Hillary Weaver, In Political Animals!

It is the night of “election primary,” because the Sigourney Clinton vehicle “Political Animals” is just that sophisticated, and we are literally five minutes in and we are already shrieking and dying for the subtlety of an Aaron Sorkin Newsroom. It is “Getting To Know You” time, and we have already seen: Sigourney Clinton in a Disco Pansuit that at first looks like purple velour like she is Al Sharpton; her son announced as gay, for the sake of VERY FAST NARRATIVE; his grandma Ellen Burstyn calling him a homo while asking for a couple fingers of liquor; Sigourney’s husband being caught in the act of horndogging and boob-signing; and Sigourney saying that BECAUSE OF HER a woman will be elected president, someday. Oh, and her husband, Jowly Bill Clinton, violating the First Rule of Rules for Commenting Radicals. NOT SUBTLE, WHATEVER CHANNEL THIS IS.

Now Jowly Bill Clinton says “douche” and “nustsack” because he is vulgar. And also we get the Real Sigourney Clinton, who hates People, and Poors, and Smokers, and People Droning On and On About Their Shitty Healthcare. And then we get more of Jowly Bill Clinton being a narcissist asshole, and they are complaining about who is more asking the other to “eat shit.” Your Wonkette does not think it likes this show. Luckily, we will recap a surprisingly touching (though also expectedly hamhanded) Newsroom soon. OH YAY D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Maybe we will like this better now.

SPOKE TOO SOON! Now metrosexual Italian Barack Obama (Barack Obagma) is dancing v. v. white guy (including Lip Bite!) with Sigourney Clinton on a stage. We have not “spoiled” ourselves with any of the reviews. Will it continue to be this bad? Five Ameros says it will! Blah blah blah the Russian minister grabs her ass, yawn. (OH SHE IS SECRETARY OF STATE NOW, WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU.) Now Jowly Bill Clinton is gonna bone Grey’s Anatomy Sofia Vergara, because he and Sigourney are divorced now thank God. Also he has gross brown teeth in addition to the jowls. This is gross.

Haha, women bloggers all blog about beauty and the weather and are floozies, that is so funny, this show sucks. Carla Gugino is a reporter or something, don’t care, now there is Iranian hostages and gun-butting, don’t care either. Oh right, we care because this shows Sigourney being Capable at her Job, we assume. We are drinking a nice glass of garnacha. It’s very chocolatey. Everybody in this show has European teeth.

Her son dresses her because that’s how gays do. Also, there was a “night” that the news has. #PLOT. Now they are all at family straight-son’s-engagement-dinner, and Ellen Burstyn has now delivered insult after sexist insult to reporter Carla Gugino. We think this is supposed to be charming and plainspoken instead of horrific and with the manners of a Port-a-Potty? Sure, that sounds right.

Son’s Perfect Asian Fiancee takes down her dress and touches her boobs before she mid-engagement-dinner bulimes, because that’s a thing. #PLOT. Bill Clinton misses Sigourney Clinton. Something about Barack Obagma. Gay son is playing Ragtime even though he doesn’t want to be a piano teacher (AT GEORGETOWN), and both his parents can tell he just got coked up in the bathroom IMMEDIATELY, because he did. #PLOT. Now gay sex. Now bulimic Asian sex. Gay son tried to kill himself (#PLOT), don’t care.

Carla Gugino and Sigourney bond about being feminist bitches. That’s nice. This thing ain’t even half over yet. That’s not.

Sigourney is arguing with Barack Obagma, who knew Iran was gonna kidnap the hostages or something? And he’s all BOO HOO, I AM BARACK OBAGMA, Real Housewives and Congress. It is not hard for Sigourney to have the moral high-ground, because she is perfect and he is weak and feckless.

TMZ or something (oh wait, that was Newsroom) breaks the #SUICIDE #PLOT. Also, now more cocaine, and black dealers named Omar. So there’s a loooong reveal to show that Sigourney is meeting Jowly Bill Clinton in a seedy motel even though it was a thousand percent obvious that it was he she’d called from the first moment she’d called him. What would have been better? We will tell you what would have been better. If she’d been meeting Florida Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll. That would have ruled. (And been sexy.) This show is obvious and lame.

Journalism stuff, whatever, blogger, bitchez. Carla Gugino has had her I-will-break-your-#SUICIDE-threat (which convinced Sigourney to cooperate with her profile piece) undermined by the floozy blogger actually breaking said story, which no longer gives Sigourney any incentive to go along with Gugino’s extortion about the breaking the story. And the floozy blogger who broke it is fucking Gugino’s editor, who is also her boyfriend, and when she confronts him he’s all WHY U LESBIAN LIKE SIGOURNEY instead of saying “no, I am in fact not boning the floozy,” because deflecting your cheating by calling women bitchez and lesbians IS NEVER OBVIOUS. Haha, men are so great. But now Gugino’s boss/boyfriend deflects it better by explaining really nicely that she is just too much of a Career Woman to be faithful to, because that is a way more socially acceptable weasel (STILL).

Can’t deal with the sexing-her-husband subplot because the actor they have cast as Ol’ Jowly is so extraordinarily physically repulsive. His whole mouth sags, like he has no teeth in his face. Maybe they could kill him off by next week? Pleeeease? He is a monster.

Gugino and Sigourney are at the zoo, in cahoots, bonding over the matriarchal society of elephants, because that’s what this show is about: massive heaps of elephant dung, and now Sigourney Clinton is going to run for president again (against Italian Barack Obagma? Doesn’t say). See you next week unless we kill ourselves first! (#PLOT.)

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. ChernobylSoup

    Why doesn't Weaver just transport into her avatar and shoot some arrows through a bitch?

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I am hoping that this confusing stuff is a thing on the TV? Otherwise I think you San Fransisco bitches broke our Editrix. You guys are why we can never have nice things!!

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Apparently, there are people who still watch TV on time. I download all of these shows and they keep talking about time zones. It's the weirdest thing.

  3. freakishlywrong

    Politics currently is not stomach churning and time consuming enough. Let's make a teevee drama about it! It's probably got more facts in it than the so-called "news". Maybe the rubes will learn something.

    1. Guppy

      "Perfect Asian" nekkid boobs at that.

      However, there are more than enough boobs-and-vomit videos available for free on the internets.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      It would really be nice to tune into the Weather Channel and find out what my weather where I am is going to be over the next day or so. I think they should explore this concept. It could catch on.

      Instead I can only ever nowadays see what the weather was like, months ago, when they filmed hurricane hunters, lifeguards, Coasties, pilots, high-rise steel workers, wind-turbine installers for god's sake, etc., in faraway places nowhere near where I actually live.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Am I having an out-of-body experience? Or just out-of-mind? Jeez, I leave town for a week and come back to some kind of acid trip.

  5. Preferred Customer

    "Now bulimic Asian sex"

    I predict that this single sentence will triple the hit count on this post, through teh Google.

  6. AbandonHope

    I saw an ad for this when I was at my in-laws. I noted how they call it a "limited series event" because, you know, a "miniseries" would just sound too cheesy.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I figured "limited series event" was their way of hedging in case it gets cancelled. In fact, most new season offerings are "limited series events".

  7. sudsmckenzie

    Carla Gugino is a side boob waiting to happen, and Sigourney Beaver is my porn name, so I better watch this.

    1. prommie

      Nah, Hillary is best known for the horror film "Swamp Sow II: Attack of the Kankle Beast."

  8. ThundercatHo

    Is this like Aliens 4 where they extract the DNA from Hillary and Ripley from a vat of Oil of Olay and try to make a WMD?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Hi THH – I was just talking about you on the SF post-party thread and I realized I hadn't actually seen you for awhile. Glad you're back!

      1. ThundercatHo

        Hey Chich! Good to be back. My hubby got some time off work so we were off having fun with our horses and then Jesus got pissed and sent a couple of very nasty storms (not caused by global warming cuz duh summer) which took down some large trees, knocked out power and fried our phone, fax, modem and satellite receiver. The lesson here is that if muscular Jesus decides to send a warning shot over your bow even surge protectors and GFI outlets will not save your heathen ass. Repairs crews were very busy so it took over a week for them to get to us.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Jesus Christ this sounds too terrible to watch just to understand the recaps and have some folks to hate this show with – or hate whoever is on this show, because they all seem just lovely. I liked hearing about the guy stripper movie better. Let's talk about humping the floor more, it sounds more creative.

    1. prommie

      Sounds more fun than humping Hillary. Or Sigourney Weaver. God almighty she still owes me for that 100 minutes I wasted on Half Moon Street.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Okay wait, upon googling I see that this half moon street movie was done back in 1986, so around GhostBusters when SW was less jabbily angularly rail thin and acerbic, she was pretty and young and her voice is nice. What's wrong, did she not get nekid or something?

        1. prommie

          It was mostly her stone-faced and emotionless style of "acting." One is reminded of Dorothy Parker's review of Katherine Hepburn: "her emotions ran the gamut from A to B." And this in a "serious" movie in which she protrays a professor who is also a call girl, which is a situation I would think would allow for the expresssion of some complex and nuanced emotion. Nope, not Miss Sigourney. I have seen mannequins much more expressive.

        2. prommie

          In short, yes, she did not get nekkid enough, or as thoroughly, as would have been necessary to overcome the "acting."

          1. FakaktaSouth

            That seems like a terrible waste of a good call girl movie. I would think the WHOLE point of a 1986 lady professor as call girl movie would in fact be boobies. Strange. No wonder I haven't ever heard of it.

  10. MissTaken

    Does the alien come out of the tummy before or after the cigar comes out of the pussy?

  11. Goonemeritus

    Even my shameful older woman fetish isn’t a strong enough reason to watch this crap.

      1. Goonemeritus

        Absolute, my wife is a year younger than me but she still qualifies as an older woman in most peoples eyes.

  12. MissTaken

    Does the alien come out of the tummy before or after the cigar comes out of the hoohah?

  13. Lazy Media

    Far be it for me to criticize someone else's porn preferences, but PUMA porn doesn't sound sexxxy at ALL.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    Ellen Burstyn

    Would it be a lot to ask Burstyn to conjure up Reagan's head-spinning on its neck spewing pea soup for old times sake? Any old Reagan will do, Ellen, but I think you know the one I mean.

  15. sbj1964

    New History Channel show Swamp logging,pawn owning,Garbage picking,crab fishing,ice road Feminista's!

  16. Dashboard Buddha

    Ms. Weaver's take on the show (from the Wiki)

    "the fact that families who have been in the White House often try to get back in the White House or continue to try and get in the White House."

    Sigourney, honey? Maybe you should have stopped at "Leave her alone, you bitch"?

  17. James Michael Curley

    I just had a headline ad in German. You guys have done far too many "Do you know who else … " comments.

  18. Jus_Wonderin

    Oh, so it was that I was three sheets to the wind when this aired that I found playing with my dog who was pissed because I gave her a bath…more entertaining?

    BTW: I love Sigourney Weaver. Can you ask her if she will marry me????

    Edit: My doxie is named Ripley, after SW's Alien character.

  19. Bezoar

    Well, thank you for the Julie Andrews interlude, God that woman could sing. Maybe she still can, for all I know.

    1. viennawoods13

      Yes, but it's not Julie Andrews, it's Deborah Kerr.
      ps Julie did a duet with Colbert last month. She sounded just fine!

      1. James Michael Curley

        Deborah Kerr's singing was done by Marni Nixon who also did the singing for Natalie Wood (who erroneously thought she could) in West Side Story and Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady.

        1. viennawoods13

          Yep, you're right. I know that the voice seemed familiar, but I've never seen the King and I, but I have seen My Fair Lady several times. Poor Marni Nixon. I always felt sorry for her.

      2. La_Cieca

        You're both right. The video is of Deborah Kerr, whose singing was dubbed by Marni Nixon for this film. However, this version of the video has been redubbed by by the YouTube user with a track from a recording Julie Andrews made of The King and I in 1992 which used the same arrangement as the Nixon version.

        In 1997 Andrews had a problem called vocal nodes (a sort of callus on the vocal cord) which is usually caused by too much singing or singing when the cords are inflamed from a cold or allergies. (She had been doing Victor Victoria on Broadway for almost two years prior to the diagnosis.) The delicate surgery to remove the nodes was botched, leaving her permanently hoarse. She sued the surgeon and the case was settled in 2000.

        Since that time Andrews has made a limited vocal recovery, at least enough so that her speaking voice is still useful for acting roles. In the last couple of years she has also sung a bit in public, though she's careful about restricting the music to a narrow range around her speaking pitch.

    2. James Michael Curley

      See other Reply in that the song is sung by neither Julie Andrews or Deborah Kerr. If you like Julie Andrews, see Victor/Victoria; which, other than a truly amusing and enjoyable film, fully utilizes Julie Andrews' massive vocal range.

    1. ttommyunger

      You can take the girl out of the country, but you'll never take the cunt out of Octomom.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    This article might be singlehandedly responsible for about a dozen sober people thinking they need rehab today. But if it accurately reflects the dreck of that show, then they'll be standing in line for a while.

  21. Joshua Norton

    Judging from the previews, It could have been a good series. But the ability to do something more than a Dallas/Dynasty type soap opera was beyond the capabilities of the writers.

  22. rickmaci

    Looks like there was more of that antique brown acid from Woodstock that some old hippy was passing around in a bar in SF over the weekend.

  23. ElPinche

    No thanks, I'm pretty busy watching the fuck out of AMC right now.

    BTW: Newsroom actually grew on me….I'm ashamed to admit. I'm just a sucker for lefty preachy rants.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Sorkin's rants remind me of when you think back to how things would have gone if you had thought of your snappy comeback then. (Hope this makes sense.)

      Guilty fun. One can dream, right.

      1. ElPinche

        Hahaha that's precisely what I think of the show actually. It's playing out a fantasy hoping that cable news is watching, but of course, they don't give a fuck.

  24. ttommyunger

    Shure are a lotz uv werds just to say it sux! BTW, we have lost two first-stringers what with Barb and Lizzie out of commission……Hold me, I'm scared!

  25. DahBoner

    I think I already saw this on the PBS Nova show where they try to explain Einstein for Dummies….???

    1. Veritas78

      You have to watch a TV show that Rebecca saw while drunk in order to understand any of this. And "drunk" is a polite euphemism here.

  26. Aridzona

    Ashamed to admit I watched it. It really bites the big one. Eliminate the cursing and it could air on Lifetime.

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