Massive Heaps Of Elephant Dung: A Recap Of Sigourney Clinton Playing Hillary Weaver, In Political Animals!

It is the night of “election primary,” because the Sigourney Clinton vehicle “Political Animals” is just that sophisticated, and we are literally five minutes in and we are already shrieking and dying for the subtlety of an Aaron Sorkin Newsroom. It is “Getting To Know You” time, and we have already seen: Sigourney Clinton in a Disco Pansuit that at first looks like purple velour like she is Al Sharpton; her son announced as gay, for the sake of VERY FAST NARRATIVE; his grandma Ellen Burstyn calling him a homo while asking for a couple fingers of liquor; Sigourney’s husband being caught in the act of horndogging and boob-signing; and Sigourney saying that BECAUSE OF HER a woman will be elected president, someday. Oh, and her husband, Jowly Bill Clinton, violating the First Rule of Rules for Commenting Radicals. NOT SUBTLE, WHATEVER CHANNEL THIS IS.

Now Jowly Bill Clinton says “douche” and “nustsack” because he is vulgar. And also we get the Real Sigourney Clinton, who hates People, and Poors, and Smokers, and People Droning On and On About Their Shitty Healthcare. And then we get more of Jowly Bill Clinton being a narcissist asshole, and they are complaining about who is more asking the other to “eat shit.” Your Wonkette does not think it likes this show. Luckily, we will recap a surprisingly touching (though also expectedly hamhanded) Newsroom soon. OH YAY D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Maybe we will like this better now.

SPOKE TOO SOON! Now metrosexual Italian Barack Obama (Barack Obagma) is dancing v. v. white guy (including Lip Bite!) with Sigourney Clinton on a stage. We have not “spoiled” ourselves with any of the reviews. Will it continue to be this bad? Five Ameros says it will! Blah blah blah the Russian minister grabs her ass, yawn. (OH SHE IS SECRETARY OF STATE NOW, WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU.) Now Jowly Bill Clinton is gonna bone Grey’s Anatomy Sofia Vergara, because he and Sigourney are divorced now thank God. Also he has gross brown teeth in addition to the jowls. This is gross.

Haha, women bloggers all blog about beauty and the weather and are floozies, that is so funny, this show sucks. Carla Gugino is a reporter or something, don’t care, now there is Iranian hostages and gun-butting, don’t care either. Oh right, we care because this shows Sigourney being Capable at her Job, we assume. We are drinking a nice glass of garnacha. It’s very chocolatey. Everybody in this show has European teeth.

Her son dresses her because that’s how gays do. Also, there was a “night” that the news has. #PLOT. Now they are all at family straight-son’s-engagement-dinner, and Ellen Burstyn has now delivered insult after sexist insult to reporter Carla Gugino. We think this is supposed to be charming and plainspoken instead of horrific and with the manners of a Port-a-Potty? Sure, that sounds right.

Son’s Perfect Asian Fiancee takes down her dress and touches her boobs before she mid-engagement-dinner bulimes, because that’s a thing. #PLOT. Bill Clinton misses Sigourney Clinton. Something about Barack Obagma. Gay son is playing Ragtime even though he doesn’t want to be a piano teacher (AT GEORGETOWN), and both his parents can tell he just got coked up in the bathroom IMMEDIATELY, because he did. #PLOT. Now gay sex. Now bulimic Asian sex. Gay son tried to kill himself (#PLOT), don’t care.

Carla Gugino and Sigourney bond about being feminist bitches. That’s nice. This thing ain’t even half over yet. That’s not.

Sigourney is arguing with Barack Obagma, who knew Iran was gonna kidnap the hostages or something? And he’s all BOO HOO, I AM BARACK OBAGMA, Real Housewives and Congress. It is not hard for Sigourney to have the moral high-ground, because she is perfect and he is weak and feckless.

TMZ or something (oh wait, that was Newsroom) breaks the #SUICIDE #PLOT. Also, now more cocaine, and black dealers named Omar. So there’s a loooong reveal to show that Sigourney is meeting Jowly Bill Clinton in a seedy motel even though it was a thousand percent obvious that it was he she’d called from the first moment she’d called him. What would have been better? We will tell you what would have been better. If she’d been meeting Florida Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll. That would have ruled. (And been sexy.) This show is obvious and lame.

Journalism stuff, whatever, blogger, bitchez. Carla Gugino has had her I-will-break-your-#SUICIDE-threat (which convinced Sigourney to cooperate with her profile piece) undermined by the floozy blogger actually breaking said story, which no longer gives Sigourney any incentive to go along with Gugino’s extortion about the breaking the story. And the floozy blogger who broke it is fucking Gugino’s editor, who is also her boyfriend, and when she confronts him he’s all WHY U LESBIAN LIKE SIGOURNEY instead of saying “no, I am in fact not boning the floozy,” because deflecting your cheating by calling women bitchez and lesbians IS NEVER OBVIOUS. Haha, men are so great. But now Gugino’s boss/boyfriend deflects it better by explaining really nicely that she is just too much of a Career Woman to be faithful to, because that is a way more socially acceptable weasel (STILL).

Can’t deal with the sexing-her-husband subplot because the actor they have cast as Ol’ Jowly is so extraordinarily physically repulsive. His whole mouth sags, like he has no teeth in his face. Maybe they could kill him off by next week? Pleeeease? He is a monster.

Gugino and Sigourney are at the zoo, in cahoots, bonding over the matriarchal society of elephants, because that’s what this show is about: massive heaps of elephant dung, and now Sigourney Clinton is going to run for president again (against Italian Barack Obagma? Doesn’t say). See you next week unless we kill ourselves first! (#PLOT.)