Tea Party In Epic Slapfight Over Who Loves Constitution The Mostest

by Doktor Zoom

It is a worship word! You will not say it!Small but highly excitable segments of the Wingnutosphere are in high dudgeon over the maybe-treasonous remarks of Rep. Paul “Gosar the Destroyer” Gosar (DDS, R-AZ), who said some very outrageous things at a June 28th online town hall thing hosted by largely unknown Tea Party group “Unite in Action” and posted to the group’s YouTube channel over the weekend. Oh god you are totally NOT going to believe the thing he said. It’s just so unbelievably traitor-y and freedom-hating! No, really, it’s bad. You are probably guessing that maybe Gosar announced plans to sell America’s top-secret interdimensional portal technology to Red China, or that he invited the UN to dictate our children’s lunch menus, or maybe even that he reminded “Unite In Action” that they were the group that, even during the teabagger heyday of 2010, had to cancel a “National Tea Party Unity Convention” in Las Vegas because nobody would pay to attend it, but no, it is even more shocking: He comes right out and says that defending the Constitution is a losing cause, so why even bother, right? Insane, isn’t it? Watch this shocking video where Gosar (here in the form of a large and moving Torg) literally throws the Constitution under an actual bus:

Did you SEE that? He straight up said that, as far as gaining an electoral edge, merely carrying on about how you dry-hump the Constitution more passionately than anyone else is not going to get you very far, because half of Americans don’t believe in the Constitution anyway. (And Gosar should know, because he simply loves the Constitution so much that he has to carry a spare terrycloth wipe around with him just to catch all the patriojizz that leaks from him whenever he sees a flag).

It’s really rather astonishing what Rep. Gosar has accomplished here: He has made us feel a little bit of sympathy for him, even though he is a Tea Party loon whose 2010 candidacy was endorsed by Sarah Palin, Joe Arpaio and Sheriff Paul “I’m NOT your sweet Babeu” Babeu. Clearly, what our Liberty-frotting hero actually means here is that loving the Constitution 300% is necessary but not sufficient to win in a country where the mass of people do not froth at the mouth at the mention of the Constitution. Even a bunch of Woody-Guthrie lovin’ commies like us can tell that this is the point he was fumbling toward with that “We have to have the Constitution, but a plan to get back” bit. The poor doofus simply didn’t account for the tendency of his fellow teabaggers to start shouting “TREASON!” whenever they think the Constitution is imperiled, which is, of course, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. We have a friend with a little yappy dog like that, whose batshit crazy barking fits are triggered by the presence of another dog anywhere within a three-parsec radius, because eternal vigilance is the price of owning a squeaky rubber hotdog.

So anyway, where Gosar’s remarks were really about elecoral strategy for a fringe political movement, that very fringe political movement has now decided that what he said was that the Constitution “isn’t worth fighting for” or that he personally will not fight for the Constitution, or perhaps even that Gosar announced that his own testicles have not descended and so he is a big sissy fairy who doesn’t really love America. Never mind Gosar’s NRA endorsement or his opposition to abortion even in cases of rape or incest, or even the fact that he’s a teabagger and a dentist, just like Orly Taitz. Tea Party America seems to have decided that Paul Gosar is now afraid to even SAY the holy words of the E Plebnista Norkohn Forkohn Perfectunun now, for indeed his tongue would burn with fire if he tried, the dirty traitor.

Now all that’s needed to drive the final nail into the coffin of Rep. Gosar’s congressional career is to inform Wingnut America that Your Wonkette thinks they’ve badly misunderstood him, and that we even think he’s right, in his peculiar way: most Americans do not rub one out on the altar of the Constitution the way teabaggers do. (Incidentally, for all the accusations of treason against Gosar, the Youtube and blog comments seem to have a pretty vague notion of what treason actually is, which makes sense, given what they understand about the Constitution itself.)

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 198 comments }

Mumbletypeg July 17, 2012 at 9:54 am

This is nice, being able to comment again!

WABishop July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

Hey, easy now. We don't want any trouble, understand?

a_pink_poodle July 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

Watch out! He/she's got a Thesaurus!

Mumbletypeg July 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

: ) It's "she" — and especially dangerous, given the thesauraus IN MY HEAD

radio-of-owls July 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

lol!

RadioSlut July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

Gosar was right. No free speech for you.

not that Dewey July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

Commenters should be seen and not heard.

radio-of-owls July 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Commenters should be seen and not heard.

I believe that's a context dependent variable, not a constant. Although in some contexts, it sure can seem constant.

not that Dewey July 18, 2012 at 12:15 am

The Constant Commenter was a terrific movie about corruption and the limitations of first-person knowledge.

Extemporanus July 18, 2012 at 5:07 am

Dn't frgt The Consonant Commenter, whch ws trrfc nvl bt qwrt[y]psdfghjklzxcvbnm nd th lmttns f Vnn Wht's knwldg .

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 18, 2012 at 6:54 am

I thought it was about tea.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

Don't be silly. Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

Nostrildamus July 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm

WONKETT WERE IS OUR CONSTITUTION !!???!211!!!

One_who_wanders July 17, 2012 at 9:54 am

Dentists and the crazy, must be all the mercury fumes.

freddymcmurray July 17, 2012 at 10:02 am

Went to dental school. Quit dental school. Trust me, they are crazy way before they get to dental school, much less have a career in dentistry. Their parents are the same way. (see mittens dynasty)

Terry July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

Just thinking "Say, I want to spend my working hours staring in people's mouths and doing lots of paperwork!" qualifies a person as crazy.

freddymcmurray July 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

But way less crazy than "I want to spend my working hours staring in people's butts and doing paperwork". IMO

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

Maybe being unable to make it in real medical school drives them nuts?

freddymcmurray July 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That's a common joke/myth about dental school students. Many of them had no ambitions to ever be MDs. And the school is every bit as grueling. (if you're cutting people and giving them drugs, you have to know the same things) Rather, many dental students have parents that are dentists. In school they'll ask you over and over again why you want to be a dentist ("making tons of money," is one acceptable answer, no joke; "because my dad is", is another). Golf jokes on day one of class, obviously. Students running around at election time: "vote Republican or we'll get SOCIALIZED medicine", with a sneer. You can see why I didn't fit in.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

The fact that a DMD is a sure way to score a high-quality J.A.P. is a huge motive, at least on Long Island.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 9:55 am

"most Americans do not rub one out on the altar of the Constitution the way teabaggers do."

They don't?

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

If the church won't interfere in my relationships then I won't fuck on the altar.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

Just once?

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

I've done the pews already.

Pew! Pewpew!

RadioSlut July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

Imagine what they do to a Reagan pic.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

That thing is crusty now. Phew!

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

"Why, it's an oil painting of Ronald Reagan in the style of van Gogh."

Uh, no, it was an 8 x 10 glossy.

elburritodeluxe July 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

the parchment is super scratchy

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 9:56 am

Psst, Rep. Gosar and teabaggers; the reason your defending of the "Constitution" is a losing cause is because that's not actually the Constitution you keep claiming to defend, you guys hate the real one we actually have, it's the Articles of Confederation, and they were thrown out after proving to be a miserable failure way back in 1787.

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

But we could easily have seen this coming: any political (or any movement, for that matter) that is fueled by rage and reaction is doomed to failure once they get frustrated.

Indeed, about the only political movement that had any longevity that was based on hatred and rage was the Reign of Terror under Robespierre and even then, it only lasted four years or so.

Chichikovovich July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

Even shorter than that, really. Dating the Reign of Terror as beginning with the 5 September 1793 declaration by the Convention ("Terror is the order of the day") that the revolutionary armies, controlled by Robespierre's Committee for Public Safety, could be used to enforce government policy (like, price controls) on the citizens, and ending it with the execution of Robespierre, St.-Juste, etc. on 28 July 1794 ("10 Thermidor") it didn't even last a year.

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

I was dating from the Franco-Prussian War to the second Constitution, to sort of set up the bloodbath that was outer-directed but then was turned inward, up until the whole mess was basically swept under a rug.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

That must have been one hell of a lumpy rug, even wihthout all the heads.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Yes…the rage that started the French Revolution started long before then..besides I thought the Reign of Terror wasn't so much about anger as it was deep set paranoia which eventually claimed Robespierre himself…I mean, I guess we can argue whether or not reactionary paranoia is the same as anger…but I think it comes much more from fear. Soooo…since teabaggers are politically actually kind of pussy (they're afraid of everything…especially death and that's why they're right wing) they do have something in common with Robespierre…just not on the 'manly' anger emotion…

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 12:00 am

ah damnit…I texted the p-word again…I was just posting that the Reign of Terror was more about reactionary paranoia than anger…the execution of Louis XVI was anger-based red meat for the mob. But the Reign of Terror was like any other paranoia-based campaign against ones detractors…it had the same characteristics of Stalin's purges (even down to the megalomania of Robespierre) and Hitler's campaigns against Jews, leftists, commies, etc. Actor…I actually agree with your premise but disagree with the emotion…teabaggers are political pansies (edit from original apparently banned word) who are afraid of EVERYTHING…especially death. It is WHY they are right wingers and are so dogmatically stupid, also. Just my opinion…but mostly based on fact…social science is learning SO MUCH about the ties that bind ultra-authoritarian movements.

Boojum July 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

Wasn't Gosar the demon from Ghostbusters?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 12:02 am

Sure was and it was what coated that post in awesome then dripped Sofia Vergara's tit sweat on it as well. Well…Gozer the Gozarian, but Zoom did an awesome job of nicknaming an unremarakable teabagger drip.

Chill_Bill July 17, 2012 at 9:56 am

I'm starting to think that the Tea Party might be nothing but a bunch of retarded crypto fascists.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

Let it go, relax, its ok, just accept it.

elburritodeluxe July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

And I'm starting to think that water is wet and cocaine is awesome!

Maman July 17, 2012 at 10:19 am

You just figured that out?

Chill_Bill July 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

I know, maybe the Texas heat is finally getting to me (this is still a snark site, right?).

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 12:06 am

starting? Sheesh…these idiots have been closeted fascists longer than Brian Fischer has been a closeted rentboy pounder. The whole "teabagger" thing is just a sleazy corporate rebranding of Bushies (because corporations absolutely ADORE fascism)…same authoritarianism, same stupidity…same theocratic, feudalistic and prison-city bent.

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 9:56 am

Defending the Constitution is not a dead cause.

Defending the WHITE WEALTHY Constitution is, however.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 18, 2012 at 12:47 am

Sadly not…Mittens is the concentrated Wealthy white Constitution…there's no coincidence wingnuts reacted to the first black President by selecting the human embodiment of White Privilege as his opponent….so, we know who is trying to "take their country back"…of course that's just stupid racist bullshit because Obammz has hardly been hostile to white privilege but oh well…stupid authoritarian racist haters goin' hate.

FraAnima July 17, 2012 at 9:56 am

Many Shuvs and Zuuls and Democrats knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

GhostBuggy July 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

Gah, I was working on the same line, but I was going to substitute in Gingrich for the sloar.

FraAnima July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

Who ya gonna call? GhostBuggy!

actor212 July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

So you were going to turn it into a Newt?

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:31 am

It Gets Better

freakishlywrong July 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

"Rubbing one out at the altar of the Contitusion" is tantamount to treason. You know, like expanding health care coverage to 'Muricans is tyranny. Or something. Thease teatards, they are fucking confusing.

mavenmaven July 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

This Stephani Scruggs is certifiably insane. Those are some scary people at that podium.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

Thank goodness she's a slave, really, since freedom would clearly be more than she could handle.

mavenmaven July 17, 2012 at 10:02 am

Apparently she's allowed her personal fetish life to emerge publicly.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

BTW, nicely done, Dr.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

I would simply point out that there is a tip jar. Also, try the veal.

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

That car deserves a decent crushing.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Having owned an Impala (not when it was cool) and lived in Idaho, I feel compelled to participate.

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

It's interesting how she and others can assemble and freely speak about how the 1st Amendment doesn't exist anymore. She might more profitably focus on the "unreasonable search and seizure" language of the 4th.

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

But people keep violating their First Amendment right to never be criticized for your speech!

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

Yeah, but just try and exercise your 2nd amendment right to kill libruls, and they call you a murderer.

GuanoFaucet July 17, 2012 at 9:58 am

Splitters!

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 9:58 am

If you disagree with me, you hate the constitution.

BaldarTFlagass July 17, 2012 at 9:59 am

There's room to move as a fry cook, Gosar.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

I know the fry-cook position, I worked the fry station, I was a frycook. You, Gosar, are no frycook.

GlowneyHouse July 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

They should have to prove their radicalism. Maybe go get sushi and not pay.

Mumbletypeg July 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

He comes right out and says that defending the Constitution is a losing cause, so why even bother

To be fair: making sensible statements about their treatment of the Constitution probably does qualify as treason to the teabuggers. And presuming such logic and forethought will make sense to them constitutes insanity to the rest of us.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:01 am

"we are already slaves, my church cannot speak freely, this is the theft of our freedoms and it is not good enough for me or my children"

Absolutely, if this lady's church is not allowed to tell us all what to do, what IS the point of the Constitution? We truly should stop making her a slave to our inability to do what HER church says. It hurts her children, why can't we see that?

I hope she's serious about fighting to the death over this – I feel like getting in a cage.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

Aux les barricades time, maybe?

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

What good is governance if ya can't tell people how to scrog?

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

I especially like that this woman went to a public meeting, streamed live on the internet and posted to YouTube, to say that Free Speech has been completely crushed by the dictator who rules America with an iron fist, presumably because her church is barred either from acting as an official arm of a political campaign, or maybe because her church can't replace the local schools' science curriculum with Bible study.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

This fish is not aware of the water in which she swims, you are correct. I don't know WHY everyone in the world isn't jumping into her deep end, she seems so smart.

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

I wish all the self-proclaimed Christian martyrs out there would put up or shut up. Throw yourselves in the fucking lion pits already so the rest of us can throw your books out of our hotel rooms and go on with our days.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

This would be THE PERFECT place for us to wear our speedos and take mushrooms, I bet even your facebook flashbacks would show up to cheer on the lions with us.

Schmannnity July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

You know, it's not like a church can run around the country, saying whatever it wants, like "God Hates Fags" or burning Korans.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

I've posted this in the YouTube comments a couple times now, in reply to people saying that the time for talk is over and it's time to man the guns:

"OK. Just to be clear, with whose blood do you intend to water the tree of liberty first? Do you consider James Adkisson a hero for taking the fight to liberals in Knoxville?" (only without the linky, since YouTube don't allow that…)

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:43 am

I love the idea of you bringing a brain to a moron fight. I bet you confused the hell out of those people on the youtubes. I swear it is just words and feelings, not words and definitions or meanings or concepts with these folks, it's quite disheartening.

*and NONE of these folks knows what a Unitarian "is" much less why it is bad to shoot one, even a kid one.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:53 am

The kid ones are just as dangerous. Himmler pointed out that purification has to be total.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Umm, brains are fun at a moron-taunting, but for a fight, morons are actually quite immune to brains. Baseball bats, on the other hand, are very effective on morons. We do not reason with cattle, when we want them to move, we fucking electrocute them with an electrocution-stick.

PuckStopsHere July 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

Let's get back to the important issue at hand here: the cage thingy. It goes without saying that you will be wearing your car washing outfit, right?

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

Oh absolutely, for as long as it will stay on me, this lady here looks like a clothes-tearing-hoohah-grabbing type fighter, so things might get dicey before I have to put her down.

PuckStopsHere July 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

"for as long as it will stay on me…"
I think I just passed out, a little bit. Like Belushi at the window of the sorority, you know?

prommie July 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

He went with a smile on his face, at least.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

My Daddy taught me to fight dirty. He really did, and the most important part of the lesson was, if you are gonna go dirty, you have to commit totally. The last thing you want is a tit-for-tat (ahem) escalation. You want to cause so much pain so immediately that they capitulate. My dad was a big advocate of mayhem, he told me to go for the eyeballs.
Toujours le audace!

Jimmyone July 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Yeah, I taught my daughter dirty fighting, because 1. she was on the small side…5'2" 100 lbs. 2. She didn't believe in backing down when she knew she was right. 3. I was getting too old and decrepit to fight her battles…She was always defending the weak, and "non white", and 4. I wasn't always going to be around to help.
I was surprised when she got thrown in jail in Chicago, and was the only white girl there, when the largest women in the group approached her with some bad ideas, and the first thing my little girl did was to jump up and tried to bite off the woman's nipple….worked like a charm, they became friends and no one else tried anything. I would like to take credit for the move…but I can't. Nipple biting was not on my list of what to do in an emergency.

Dildeaux July 17, 2012 at 10:03 am

What is this clown thinking. Anytime the word CONSTITUTION is involked, Ron Paul must be allowed the final word.

C'mon Editrix. Plz put "Ron Paul" the the title of a story. Hilarity ensues when they decend on the site.

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

What's sad is that those fellas spend every hour of every day googling Ron Paul over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, all day every day, in the hopes that someone, somewhere, might write something mean about him.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:39 am

Quick, Cato! It's the Paul Signal!

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

Sometime I do miss the attacks of the Paultards that we got whenever his name was invoked back in 2008. They're apparently too lazy to register.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

His son, Ru, er Rand is a better dancer.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

In the minds of these sub-verbal morons, the Constitution is just a fetish (not THAT kind of fetish, you), an idol. They worship it with a vague but passionate zeal, but with no understanding at all. Its just exactly the same as the chimpanzee reading Nietzsche.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

The truth is that they are used to being able to end arguments with certain key c-words (not THAT c-word, you) church, children, Constitution. They "believe" in these things and anyone who "does not" is fundamentally evil. You say something about how to build roads, they say I got God, kids and freedom on my side, I am right, you shut up.
It's a hell of a way to build consensus, and lord, look how GREAT it's working. We should stop arguing with them in the first place.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

Your either with-em, or agin-em.
I blame America's fascination with sports, winning, championships. "My tribe beat your tribe, we number one." Go 'Canes.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

Yeah well, if I didn't have sports down here to give me some sort of tether to my fellow man I'd've already burned the whole place to the ground, so ya know, Roll Tide and fuck a Hurricane.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:18 am

But the problem is it only gives you a tether to other 'Bama fans, whereas members of the tribe of "Bama wind up teabagging members of the tribe of Auburn because they wear orange and blue (the WRONG orange and blue, I must add) instead of crimson. Now of course not you, but gawd, those others. Why can't we all just get along? Surely the Gator and the Bulldog, the Tide and the Volunteer, can lay aside their enmity and, umm, oh fuck that all. Fuck Auburn with a strap-on, and twice for LSU.

BaldarTFlagass July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

So, would think of it as a shoe, or perhaps more of a gourd?

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

A totem. A magical amulet that they wave around and it gives them power over their enemies.

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

Like that tiki necklace from the Brady Bunch movie!

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

Yes!

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

E Plebnista!

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

"chimpanzee reading Nietzsche"

So you saw my Philosophy 101 grades…

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

They believe that the Constitution enshrines whatever rules they already believe in, and selectively misinterpret the text to confirm their preconceived views; it's similar to the way Christians treat the Bible.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

Yes, precisely, they make a fetish, an idol, of the bible, it is merely a symbol to them of some vague ideas, a symbol just like a carved piece of rock, even if it is a book, to them it is a magical symbol, literally, an idol.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:26 am
actor212 July 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

In fairness, Immanuel Kant was a real pissant.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

My street in Germany is Kantstraße. How gross is that (and I don't mean "big")?

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I bet it's Eight Miles Wide

mavenmaven July 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

"What does not kill me makes me fling poo. "

swordfis July 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

AS A NIETZSCHE-READING CHIMPANZEE I RESENT THE TENOR OF YOUR REMARKS. On the other hand, Nietzsche did say that most of those who practice religion have no idea what it's actually about.

OneYieldRegular July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

Damn. Half-way through that post I was already planning to link to that Onion story as my comment, and then you go and scoop me. It's way too early in the morning for me to come up with something on my own.

eggsacklywright July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

It's enough to make Ogden Gnash.

PubOption July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

But Gosar is from Arizona, not Utah.

MilwaukeeKent July 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

Enough to make Claire Booth Luce…

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

Just wanted to add that the YouTube comments on that video are a veritable Mos Eisley Cantina of political insanity (I just knew there were a couple more nerd references to be made).

It's a hive of clueless teabaggers (I liked the woman who said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Constitution all by himself) and fringe political beliefs that make teabaggers look mainstream (we got yer 9/11 truthers AND yer Sovereign Citizen types, among others)…

I'm sure these folks would love some (well-psudonymized!) company.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

Posse Comitatus Libel!

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

these folks would love some (well-psudonymized!) company

No psudonymizing here. They believe in the Sanctity of Marriage.

Nostrildamus July 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Psudomize 'em all !!!

rmontcal23 July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

Stephani(e) is a MILF. When she said barrage, I had a little patriojizz myself.

johnnyzhivago July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

This jerk acts as if "freedom of speech" was in the Bill of Rights or something!

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened ever.

weejee July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

We cannot equivocate ??

Her teatarded thinking is as light as a feather, and since what is light cannot be dark, then a feather cannot be dark. Please don't tell the bald eagles that only their heads and tails got the Tea Party's message.

Why do I now have a vision of Dr. Frank N. Furter curling his lips and saying "EQUIVOCATION"

johnnyzhivago July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

Hate the constitution = socialist = communist = nazi = hitler

ManchuCandidate July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

Star Trek was wrong. It didn't take a nukular war to turn Yankees into Yangs. It took the election of Nearer as Preznit.

Every Teabagger pissing match should be themed with the Star Trek Fight song. I'd bet 2000 Quatloos on the Fat one, but which one?

eggsacklywright July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

Goddam grups.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

This is just a Cave Johnson message.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmH7tAJ0SfA

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

"You're here because we want the best, and you're it.

Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face."

(So could you tell what KidZoom was playing all afternoon while I was writing the piece?)

BoatOfVelociraptors July 17, 2012 at 1:08 pm

You should devise a trap to lure Erik and Chet out as soon as you get your failmobile working. They are the writers behind Portal and OldManMurray, now based in the Seattle area. http://www.oldmanmurray.com/features/71.html

Seattle and tech go together like Portal Browsing and Javascript..

Pragmatist2 July 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

I never picture Teabaggers slapfighting. Mud wrestling seems right. Not Jello wrestling, though. That would be elitist.

Dashboard Buddha July 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

Jello is fine as long as they use Newt's mom's recipe.

freddymcmurray July 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

a slap fight, you say? just as long as it doesn't turn into a slap-and-tickle fight. that would give white jeebus a frowny face.

chicken_thief July 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

Eric Massa libelz!!!

johnnyzhivago July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

This guy might as well have gone on TV urinating on the constitution while shoving bald eagles into a blender and reading from the Koran.

Vecchiojohn July 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

reading from the Koran . . . In Kenyan!

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

Yeah, that really was a weird issue of Family Circus.

Jus_Wonderin July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

"….because eternal vigilance is the price of owning a squeaky rubber hotdog."

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. How can I get any work done knowing my rubber hotdog is home, alone, unprotected?

elburritodeluxe July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

Incremental steps, people! First, abolish the liberalism, then make everyone wear tri-corner hats and knee breeches.

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

Teabag Politician Actually Uses Brain. Teabaggers´╗┐ Outraged.

sbj1964 July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

Gozar,was he the KeyMaster,or the Gate Keeper? I remember the StayPuff Man.Who you going to call?

Estproph July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Gozer was the Gozerian, the Destructor. The Keymaster and The Gatekeeper were who allowed him in to try and destroy Bill Murray.

BaldarTFlagass July 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

I thought Neo had to reach the Source of the Matrix by finding the Keymaker, who was being held prisoner in the home of the Merovingian.

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

Wait, there was no Keymaker or Merovingian in the Matrix, which was a very fun sci-fi movie; sometimes I wish people had made sequels to it but that never happened.

Goonemeritus July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

We lost all our rights the day that Commie George Washington started taxing home Whiskey production. The last 200 years have been just a slow march to the Gulag.

thatsitfortheother1 July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

Needz maor book burning.

Preferred Customer July 17, 2012 at 10:19 am

All of this excitement over an obsolete sailing ship.

iburl July 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

Why teabaggers love the constitution: By white people, for white people. It's not like they give a shit about what's in it.

James Michael Curley July 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

They held that conference on the 'Went with the Wind' set of the Carol Burnette Show.

Poindexter718 July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

On behalf of myself, Wonkette and the entire Greater New England and California NAMBL federation, we hereby express our solidarity with Rep. Gosar in his effort to undermine the vile American Constitution.

Self-Uploader July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

Slapfight? Oh, I thought you said …
Never mind.

Maman July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

Nothing like twits with microphones pretending that they know something. I have a sister like one of those jackasses. It is "My Way or the Highway" with her all the time. There is no living copacetically with these shits.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

For all of the talk of masterbation, this story is decidedly unsexy.

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Well the thought of masturbating teabaggers, with their average age of 69, is quite boner/wetness-killing.

Fare la Volpe July 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

And now you ruin 69 for me too? UGH!

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:46 am

And here I was just expecting an "I see what you did there". But don't worry, teabaggers would never 69, because they will never give oral, what with sex for pleasure being so dirty and sinful. (Some, particularly the closet cases, may take oral, but that will be from hookers / rentboys and they will never give it).

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

"It's not a Lemon party without old Dick!

– Buck Henry

Oblios_Cap July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

eternal vigilance is the price of owning a squeaky rubber hotdog.

Words to live by, my friends!

Estproph July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

Teabillies love the Constitution in the same way that the army loved My Lai.

naturecalendar July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Poor guy must have known that if they're modeling the table setting on "The Last Supper," someone was gonna have toplay Judas.

ThundercatHo July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt and believe that they read the CONSTITUTION and most likely parts of the BIBLE also, too. However, it's fairly obvious that reading comprehension is not in the wingnut skillset.

Antispandex July 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

It's OK. I think things will settle down pretty quick. If the Tea's don't have something to bitch about at least once a week, they start to feel ignored.

starfanglednut July 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

Is it me, or does this thing look like a r#t$arded last supper?

FraAnima July 17, 2012 at 10:43 am

I wish I could give this multiple upfists.

rickmaci July 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Gozer as Judas?

fuflans July 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

those are some mighty endowed wenches up there.

chicken_thief July 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I didn't watch the vid – too busy here at work!, but from the still, they look to me like they been grazing in the grease fried section of the Golden Coral buffet too long.

Tangled sin tax July 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

Oh, good. I needed to cut some glass and that first gal's voice handled the project beautifully.

MacRaith July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

This is the only post on Wonkette tagged "None Dare Call It Delusional Teabagger Infighting". This is a travesty. We need many, many more posts like this one, please.

DemmeFatale July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

I heart you, Dok, but I can't start out my day like this.
(I already have a headache.)

Allmighty_Manos July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

"most Americans do not rub one out on the altar of the Constitution the way teabaggers do"

Err..James Madison didn't even rub one out on the altar of Constitution. When you actually see how sausage is made, it ceases to resemble the direct words of God carved into gold.

PuckStopsHere July 17, 2012 at 10:39 am

How many of the Five Planks of our Wonkette 1st Amendment rights have we lost? Freedom to say "skullfuck?" Gone. Freedom to say "retard", gone. (Except as a musical term meaning to "slow down.") Freedom to fap? Well, okay, that's still there although I find this disturbing video difficult to masturbate to. Freedom to say "all of them, Katie?" Gone. (Not really a bad thing, actually.) Etc. and etc. Wake up SHEEPLE!

grandinquisitor July 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

I would give anything to know how many people were actually in the audience for this circle jerk. I am guessing 8, and 5 of them were related to people on the panel. My sympathies to the staff of the Tempe Days Inn.

sly_3 July 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

they ran out of sweet-n-low, now i have to use that commie stevia! (overhead pov, crane shot, camera spins) OBAMA!!!!!

MilwaukeeKent July 17, 2012 at 10:46 am

The First Amendment's a tad chilled, I'll admit, mainly due to the flagrant violations of the Fourth Amendment since the Patriot Act. Other than that, the Constitution's in reasonably good shape, even their quaint 2nd amendment is in fine shape. And no, they can't make blacks 3/5ths of a citizen again, sorry.

SorosBot July 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

Or the flagrant violations of the 24th Amendment that so many states are embracing with their Jim Crow voter ID laws.

fawkedifiknow July 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

Here's a scary thought: That panel is the brainy side of the outfit.

Don't make me think too hard about the people who listen to the likes of them. It hurts MY brain.

JustPixelz July 17, 2012 at 10:54 am

There's an eerie resemblance to religious cult where members compete for status based on who is the most pure. (c.f. madrassas)

The Constitution was an important milestone in the evolution of democracy. But if we were writing it today, we would not make the same choices. We still don't directly elect the POTUS. Two senators per state instead of representation by population is not democratic. Lifetime appointments to SCOTUS means a justice could serve for 50 years with today's life expectancy.

Maybe it's time for a "new testament" for the Constitution.

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:58 am

Why do you hate America?

TREASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

valthemus July 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Those poor people… their John Bircher parents probably told them that they'd inherit the country and those dang minorities and non-Christian preverts would mind their manners and not use the Constitution to challenge their absolute, preordained, God-given authority. Suckers.

Chow Yun Flat July 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

Getting Paul Gosar to utter one coherent sentence is like pulling teeth.

owhatever July 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Where are the guns? Let them pursue their Second Amendment rights amongst themselves. The tree of liberty and the Tea Party must occasionally be purified with the blood of patriots.

sly_3 July 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

i would like to invite some of the millions of sex slaves in the 3rd world to educate her about what being a slave is really all about, 'cause i bet none of them drove a $40,000 suv to a white folks whine-a-thon meeting today.

" eternal vigilance is the price of owning a squeaky rubber hotdog."
is probably the funniest thing i've read in week.

DahBoner July 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Can't the Koch brothers just buy a bunch of tickets and put one inside of every bottle of corn syrup??stripped

caelanaegana July 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Having owned beagles (alt: bugles) for a number of years I have come to the conclusion that eternal vigilance is more the price of defending a yard full of poo…or at least the poo that wasn't eaten.

Says a lot, really.

Extemporanus July 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Today, we are all McKetrick supplicants.

ttommyunger July 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Have those women EVER had a proper boning? The angst poured out all over my keyboard during that exercise in mental masturbation.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 18, 2012 at 6:57 am

KrisAnne, in addition to winning the white-trash-names lottery, seems to be struggling to recall the specifics of that Jefferson quote there in the beginning.

And Stephani, who was first runner up, is right: if you can't control aspects of your own life, you are a slave. Which is why it's safe to assume that she's pro-choice, right?

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

Just so you know, we were teabagging a BENGAL tiger, an LSU-er, after WINNING the National Championship right thar in Louisiana itself. NO self respecting Bama boy would dangle the balls of an Aub upon his chin, good sir, we are always a gentleman, gentle-lady? Classy when we act like we have balls in our mouths at the Krystal?

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

Why'd you stop me, I was on a roll, just because it wasn't the Germans who bombed Pearl Harbor.

FakaktaSouth July 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

Because Aub-balls are a bag too far. You could have even said Kentucky, and they all just got one each, but not Auburn, not even with a strap on.

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Ah ha, so the Tide is to Auburn, as Florida is to FSU?

prommie July 17, 2012 at 10:31 am

Re: Kentuck fans, I knew about the one tooth each thing, but I didn't know they only had one ball each, is this true?

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

Thanks!

Doktor Zoom July 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

So true (tho as I note, the photo is not actually my own 73 Chevy, which I forgot to take pics of before the aborted trip). Like so many recipients of our love, there is very little rationality involved in my relationship with Vlad the Impala

Biel_ze_Bubba July 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm

There's just something about carrying around enough sheet metal for three Civics (and burning enough gas for four.)

radio-of-owls July 18, 2012 at 5:23 am

Or The Continent Commenter, a notorious 19th Century broadside put out by the Women's Anti-Diarrhea League of Cape Poopyhead, New Jersey.

not that Dewey July 18, 2012 at 8:57 am

I'd like to vie for a bowel.

Extemporanus July 18, 2012 at 6:04 am

The Continent Commenter was full of shit, and not at all the worldly travelogue that its trite title made it out to be.

The Constant Cormoranter, however, offered readers a bird's eye view of shagging that was a damn sight more than just ukai.

[The endangered California condor will return to its nest by sundown...]

PresqueVu July 18, 2012 at 7:40 am

*wags cigar* *wiggles eyebrows*

radio-of-owls July 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: