sexy parties

Remember To Drink With And Kidnap Your Wonkette Editor Tonight, In San Francisco!

Editor Rebecca is on a plane as we speak — it’s the future! — to uncircumcised libtard fish valley San Francisco, and she wants your author, “Jim,” to remind you nearby bums to show up on time for tonight’s meetup. Show up where though? Whoa whoa, easy now, just cooool down. It’s Friday and the editor is away. What mischief shall we get ourselves into?… Let’s play like… all the Parental Advisory CDs we have… yeah. Here are England’s most controversial new hitmakers, the Rolling Stones, playing just outside the Bay Area at a “speedway” of some sort?This song is just crazy; right around the bridge there’s this guitar part where… someone gets stabbed and the Dreams of the ’60s die all at once. Mmm mmm mmm, Fridays.

Here’s the drinking meet-up spot, again:

The 540 Club, 540 Clement St., at Seventh Ave., San Francisco. We are told this is nowhere near BART, and that we do not “understand transportation.” To which we can only answer, “What part of ‘we are from Los Angeles’ do you not understand?” So, sorry, Yups and Yupettes!

Oh right, and it’s at 7 p.m. First unknown quantity of beers is on us!

Be sure to (1) Take really embarrassing photos of our drunk editor flopping around on the ground in a pool of her own vomit (2) Send those pictures to our advertisers! Wait a minute… only do one of those things, not sure which.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. CountryClubJihadi

    Looking forward to seeing everyone. I was hoping you would be there tonight, Jim. I think I am ovulating.

    1. SorosBot

      And I hope you have fun, sweetie. I'll be looking for you all blurry and sideways whenever the editors posts pictures!

        1. MittBorg

          I think mine done gave up, po' li'l thang. It's as stiff and hard … gitcher mind outa the gutter, dood.

          Srsly. Isn't it sad, ntD, I just can't drink *at all* any more. One glass of wine and I feel like shit. I miss the wine.

          1. MittBorg

            On the PLUS side, think of how much I'm saving. (For what, I wonder.) I quit smoking, I quit drinking, but I ain't giving up my weed.

            I'm just waiting for Rmoney to lose this election by a landslide so I can be Weedlord Bonerhitler, in all my righteous glory.

    1. James Michael Curley

      To nit pick, I think Altamont was in mid-December. If the 60's died at Altamont it was brutally butchered and entombed in a swamp in rural Ohio on May 4, 1970.

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Have fun guys. I would regale you all with stories of our Seattle meetup, but we swore an oath that we would never again speak of that night and the things that occured.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Is "editor" the new word for editrix? I can't keep up with you kids and your newfangled ways.

  4. Billmatic

    If I were there I would take the photos of the Team America-esque vomit pool and send them to the advertisers so that Rebecca may learn about mutually beneficial arrangements.

  5. weejee

    There wuz some talk about another later this summer. The incoherent babbling of the bottle, but some talk none the less.

  6. bumfug

    Look out Richmond District, craziness is coming!
    Historical note: This place is just up the street from the site of the legendary Holy City Zoo (408 Clement St), a small, dank, smelly little hole that was home in the '80s to comedians like Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, Ellen DeGeneres, Paula Poundstone, A. Whitney Brown, Nora Dunn, Rob Schneider, Jake Johanssen, David Feldman, Dana Gould, Kevin Meaney, Kevin Pollak and many more (including your humble commenter Bumfug).

      1. bumfug

        Whitney's living in Austin TX with his lovely bride, singer Carolyn Wonderland. They both were extremely supportive of comedian Ron Shock and his wife during Ron's recent fatal illness.

  7. Antispandex

    Damn! I wish I could be there to surreptitiously grope our editrix. I never have any fun.

  8. SorosBot

    I just wish this could have been one of the times I was out visiting MT and so could join you all.

  9. Callyson

    Aw, wish I could be there!

    Also, per the latest Wonkette ad, will anyone be attired in the finest designer apparel from

    ETA, from that site: It's time someone sexed up politics–and not in the adulterous way. Satisfy your liberal urges by slipping on a Democratease t-shirt or tank top–OR, the next time you drop your drawers for that special someone, make sure they're clear on your political stance with a pair of our Democratease underoos!
    Stay Connected!

    OK then…

    1. SorosBot

      I'm not getting that one – have ads for several books, the young girls for rich old men ad, the old Crucial computer upgrade ad that's been there forever, the poll, and one for Ben & Jerry's. Now I want ice cream served by a bent-over, possibly Asian naked young lady.

      1. Billmatic

        All I want is to learn more about mutually beneficial arrangements and what they have to do with tawny naked women and classic automobiles. Perhaps College Girls and Single Moms may be the threads to connect this mystery together.

  10. freakishlywrong

    Good fucking Friday fellow Wonks. I've had a week from sht and just got to Mr. Freakish's mancave and have poured myself a stiffy, (any hard liquor I can get my paws on and some fruity, carbonated shit). I drink to you in San Fran and wish I could be there. I left my placenta there lo these many years ago.

    1. MittBorg

      And a very good fucking Friday to you too, freakish. Now, when you say you "left my placenta there," are you referring to the one you *came in,* or one that you made?

      Because, you know, if the latter, that would mean you have Teh Ladyparts, and I have to start being nice to you and stuff.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Thank you, I needed that! T'was born in that lovely city and dream of it often…oh, and my tits are huge, bitches.

        1. MittBorg

          (Hugs freakishlywrong) You funny, girl. It is a lovely city. But we're having a cool, gray, foggy day today, and I'm wondering aloud, where is summer? (The partner takes great delight, as a native New Yorker, in reminding me that this is typical summer weather, the little shit.)

          1. MittBorg

            Dearest of Gems, I'm so sorry. If you sent it back, perhaps my Cherokee Purple would bronze up about the shoulders like a Cherokee Purple should. I've given up trying to grow peppers.

            Dare I hope, dear lady, that you are not too uncomfortable? (Hugs the Gem)

          2. MittBorg

            I'd better take it to a doctor, quick.

            Actually, it's one of the very few true purple tomatoes, and it was developed by the Cherokee people, who gave some seeds to a fellow-gardener, who (clever fellow!) passed them on to the Seed Savers' Exchange, which preserves rare heirloom seeds of many different varieties of plants. In taste and flavour, Cherokee Purple routinely takes first prize at tomato-tasting competitions, or ties with the legendary Brandywine cultivar, routinely voted one of the finest tasting tomatoes in the world.

            Srsly. Eating these tomatoes is as close to an orgasm as most RWNJs will ever get. I should donate my crop to them, but tough noogies. I'll eat it all myself and BWAHAHA while doing it.

          3. HogeyeGrex

            Yeah. This is summer here.

            The season you're thinking of happens in Sept-Oct. We're a bit slow.

          4. MittBorg

            I've lived here for decades, and I still feel cheated by the cool foggy days of summer. It can't be more than 70F out there right now, if that. The cats have decided to sleep in as a protest, and it's windy enough out there that the *oaks* are swaying.

            And even in Sept-Oct, we're lucky if we get more than a week without fog. Or maybe that's my microclimate because we're higher up the mountain here.

          5. HogeyeGrex

            Yeah, well, I'll still take 65 and foggy over the hundred and fucking five in the shade some folks are enjoying lately.

            We had a bunch of really nice days recently, I thought, even out in the hinterlands where I live.

            Ah, SF. The only town I know where the real estate gets cheaper the closer you get to the beach.

          6. MittBorg

            True. Although it's about 55 right here — I'm not in SF, I'm in the hills you can see across the bay, and it's usually more like Pacifica than SF in these parts. Although we do get a FEW fog-free days each year. Right now, the fog is blowing in tattered sheets across the deck. It looks like fucking winter in Norway.

  11. BlueStateLibel

    Sounds like a great opportunity to try out Amber Milt's ways to "spice up your relationship" with your editrix; have fun!

  12. Extemporanus


    Enlarge my p-ness to 118 by the end of the day, and I'll personally present your Editrix with a very special somefin-somefin* on everyone's behalf at this evening's electric car key party.

    *[Accepting suggestions…]

      1. Extemporanus

        Thank you, kind person.

        I couldn't care less about the size of my p-ness — I just really fucking hate the pointy-ass number 7, and would much rather stare at a number that resembles a nice pair of tits.

          1. va_real

            I'm not clickin' on the link (burned too many times) but you are so upfisted for the punny.

  13. SoBeach

    Next drinky thing is going to be in a one-light Florida town, right? Cuz I just got a new Mossy-Oak t-shirt and some truck nutz and I wanna show 'em off.

    1. prommie

      I nominate Starke, Florida, wonderful place. There or Yeehaw Junction, or maybe Micanopy.

      1. SoBeach

        Yeehaw Junction is closest to me. Starke definitely has the right vibe. So do Bithlo and Bunnell.

        Micanopy is too movie-set pretty. Visitors might get the impression Florida has some class.

  14. coolhandnuke

    As a semi-professional frotteurer, I look forward to the pics rubbing me the right way.

    1. prommie

      Someone gave her a ticket for an aeroplane, she had no time to take a fast train. . . .

      1. Limeylizzie

        Hey Prommie I am coming back to NYC on Sunday, what say you and I have a little Drinkfest of our own in the next couple of weeks?

        1. va_real

          Transport songs? Howsabout:

          You got a fast car
          I want a ticket to anywhere
          Maybe we make a deal
          Maybe together we can get somewhere

          1. GorzoTheMighty

            Starting from zero got nothing to lose
            Maybe we'll make something
            But me myself I got nothing to prove

      2. MittBorg

        The first girl I fell in love with used to sing that song. She had a whisky-and-cigarettes kinda voice and the biggest, bluest eyes I have ever seen.

  15. Thurman Munster IV

    How about next time in flyover country you fucking elitist Jewish liberal homosexuals? We've got all that and more here in Madtown plus local micro and nano brews coming out the wazoo.

  16. Estproph

    Well, we were just another band out of Boston
    On the road to try to make ends meet.
    Playing all the bars, sleeping in our cars,
    And we practiced right on out in the street.
    No, we didn't have much money,
    We barely made enough to survive,
    But when we got up on stage and got ready to play
    People came alive.

    Chorus :-
    Rock and Roll band, everybody's waiting,
    Getting crazy, anticipating
    Love and music.
    Play, play, play.
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  17. Limeylizzie

    I wish I could be there, I am in LA, but have to fly to NYC on Sunday at 7am, I am very sad about this. However if there is an East Coast one and any of you criminals need a couch, just let me know.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Rose's Lime Juice -2 measures, topped up with seltzer in a tall glass, couple of ice cubes.

        1. Extemporanus

          Are you trying to get my ass beat up?!

          I shall have two fingers of Scottish whiskey topped with a muddled cherry, and think of England.


          1. Limeylizzie

            MrLimeylizzie has been sober for 30 years and I have never been much of a drinker anyway.

          2. Extemporanus

            Just the muddled cherry, then…

            Really too bad you couldn't make it — have an uneventful flight back to NYC, and be sure to let us San Franciscopalians know if you ever wander up our way.

        2. va_real

          That should keep the scurvy away. Have just been watching Hornblower on DVD & one of the little educational extras explains how the English came to be called Limeys…

          1. Chichikovovich

            Yes – for that reason, when I imagine LimeyLizzie, I picture her with a full set of teeth.

    1. Steverino247

      I could have used a tank when I was there on the 6th. Damn, that traffic was horrendous. I eventually got through the Bronx on surface streets to the FDR, over the Brooklyn Bridge and the hell outta there. 100 degrees, too, it was.

      Have a safe trip back!

        1. Steverino247

          It's a bit humid today, so get out and get acclimated!

          Or stay inside and chill, heh, heh.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Hey, there's still stand-by on Southwest. You could be here and back without LA even noticing.

      1. Crank_Tango

        Do we need to do some crowdfunding? I just accidentally typed crowfunding…we could do that too I guess. CAW CAW!!!

          1. C_R_Eature

            Fap Fap Fap Fap Fapfapfap Fapityfapityfapityfap…
            Skritch Skritch Skritch Skritch Skritchskritchscritch Skritchityskritchityskritchityskritch…


  18. actor212

    I can understand Editrix' need to test the show out of town, but hey, I live in NYC and I've never performed in a bomb. It'll be great!

  19. DahBoner

    Wow! The Future sounds an awful lot like the Present.

    Just a bunch of bums drinking in a bar, somewhere.


  20. C_R_Eature

    Well, I'm still not recovering from the last Drinky Thing I didn't go to, but that's not going to keep me from wishing you all a great time. Do something monstrous for me.

    Don't forget to put a quarter in the Juke and Boogie 'till you Puke.

  21. UnholyMoses

    As I am nowhere near San Fran (when are we having one of these in Kansas City? I swear I won't boo anyone from NY!) and cannot drink alcohol (the joy pain of morphine sulfate) I will instead … um … get crazy on a Friday and drink a caffeinated beverage later than 5 pm as a salute to y'all!

    Hey, it's either that or drinking bong water in the hopes there's enough THC is in it to do something.

  22. Steverino247

    I'll be up there on the 28th for the day with the family so if anybody wants to see disgustingly wholesome people and rat me out to my wife about the ball rubbing joke I beat to death months ago. Let me know.

    Party on up there!

      1. Steverino247

        That's you, outside Marshall's? Or is that you and SB in the photos on the outside of the San Francisco Shopping Centre? (Gotta love Google Maps and Street View)

        Well, then, have somebody at the party tonight take a picture of your hands and post it so I can see what I'm (not ever) getting when I show up there on the 28th.

  23. glasspusher

    glasspusher & Co. will be there. I still have space for a couple more folks if they would like a ride from bart in my chariot.

    I will be bringing my camera and my expertise, so if only blurry photos show up about this, they didn't post mine!

    1. SorosBot

      But you will make sure to follow Wonkette tradition and take all your photos sideways, right?

      1. glasspusher

        Sideways is a state of mind, my friend…or maybe a movie, also.The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees, and try your call again.

          1. bobbert

            Well done, that.

            On a related note, I went to Vegas a couple weeks ago and stayed with my son, who had already been there for a month. He sent me a text telling me that the room number was 5309. When I checked into the Rio and told the clerk that, he gave me a blank stare. Yes, the little fucker was actually in 867.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    I plan to be there and although I don't really drink beer (especially when it's free, duh) I do enjoy an occasional snifter of eighty-year-old brandy. XOXOXO

    1. glasspusher

      If you're willing to share, Ms. glasspusher will probably be going home with you then. How do I feel about this?

  25. fartknocker

    Please, oh pretty please, come to Austin. I'll even bring my homemade stuffed jalapenos and the 1st round of Heradura Silver tequila is on old Farknocker.

    1. proudgrampa

      Hey, Jody. Don't feel so bad. There is at least some hope for Minneapolis. I know that there is absolutely NO chance they're ever coming to Salt Lake City…

  26. glasspusher

    What's the point in wearing a clean shirt when some chick is just going to throw her drink in my face when I say something inappropriate?

    1. Crank_Tango

      So you can ring the shirt out and salvage the drink. Best done with a clean shirt…

  27. ttommyunger

    Standard rules apply for all my kidnappings: released in three hours unharmed, but not unsatisfied, heh, heh…

  28. emmelemm

    To all you lucky duck San Franciscans, I say, DON'T MISS IT!

    Seattle one was a lot of fun.

  29. OneYieldRegular

    I'm writing that address down before I start drinking, because in addition to the 540 Club San Francisco also has a 500 Club, a 711 Club, a 3300 Club, a 21 Club, a Club 93, and a Lucky 13. If I just follow the numbers, you'll see me there eventually.

  30. C_R_Eature

    I'm buying you all a Virtual Round of Ol' Janx Spirit shots. Enjoy.

    Don't forget to bring your towels!

    1. not that Dewey

      So, we're having a "discussion" at work about what to name the electronics modules that do not fit neatly into one of the prescribed categories, and how the DNS should handle these. They are mainly auxiliary and utility modules, not tied to any particular antenna or location. Each one connects over an Ethernet port, and so must have a unique, descriptive identity. We have about 900 modules in total, and these represent ~0.1%, and are hardly even worth thinking about, but we have to name them something.

      Most of these are no-brainers:

      Atmospheric Phase Interferometer = API
      Weather Station = WS
      Generator Utility Module = GUM
      Chiller Utility Module = ???

      Dare I even suggest it at the next meeting?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Now, you know that I'm going to Strongly Encourage you to suggest that acronym. Why the hell not, Eh? You must do this absolutely deadpan, though, for maximum effect. I have faith in you, though.

        Hopefully, they haven't added the Digital Utility Multiple Pair Serial Tunneling Electron Radiograph.

        That would be a tough one.

  31. PubOption

    Keep a look out for anyone resembling KBJ, or interrogate the editor/editrix regarding her whereabouts, employment status, etc.

  32. CountryClubJihadi

    Is there a gang sign or something we should use to make sure we are approaching the right people when we arrive?

    1. Extemporanus

      I propose one of the following:

      – Do Spock hands with your palms toward you, then touch your pinkies together to form a "W" (for "Wonkette")

      – Make an upfist

      – Take your penis out and punch it three times; ladies, take someone else's penis out and punch it three times

    2. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      If I gleaned anything from the blurry sideways photos of the other gatherings it's that our delicious editrix makes us all wear "HELLO MY NAME IS DEAD BADGER" stickers or whatever.

  33. davitydave

    "uncircumcised libtard fish valley" um, what?

    Also, she's going to freeze her editorial ass off tonight out in the avenues. I hope she packed a parka.

  34. jtimwillis

    I hope rape jokes are off the table…too uncomfortable up there.


    …too soon?


  35. MissTaken

    Shit getting weird on this SF Friday the 13th:

    1. Coworker watched a seagull murder a pigeon this morning. Pigeon would play dead, seagull would walk away, pigeon would try to get up, seagull would come back and peck the living shit out of the pigeon. Rinse, repeat.
    2. The guys in my office keep getting locked in the men's room. The door handle broke so they can't get out. That's what they are *saying* at least.
    3. I watched a homeless lady drink Hidden Valley Ranch dressing straight from the squeezy bottle today at lunch.
    4. ??

    1. Designer_Radio

      The Hidden Valley Ranch thing is a problem for my sense of being. I should probably drink Hidden Valley Ranch straight from the squeezy bottle until this memory is erased.

      1. Extemporanus

        It was more a case of me forgetting that there was a hole in my pocket through which she subsequently escaped.

  36. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    That was a lot of fun.

    Thank you to both glasspusher and CountryClubJihadi for trying to get me to go home.

    The $140 taxi ride taught me a lesson.

    1. CountryClubJihadi

      Oh, Dude. Ouch. I woke up at 3am worried that you were trapped at BART with all of the hobos. I'm just glad you made it home. BART should run until 2am on weekends.

    2. Extemporanus

      The $140 whiskey bill taught me a lesson as well.

      Good to meet you, and glad you made it home, my friend.

  37. kittensdontlie

    Kidnap! Oh, it seems that the least Jim wants have happened…the subliminal messaging with the R(olling) S(tones) video indicates a wish for greater mayhem for the R(ebecca) S(choenkopf) visit. As the crowd of W-kettes swell around her, the Hell's Angels( instead, the pepper-spraying UC Davis police will make a special guest appearance) will subdue the (political) junkie crowd, ending one of the great eras of W-kette Drinking Extravaganzas. This imagery is disturbing, and I hope everyone had a great time!!

    1. berkeleyfarm

      That reminds me that someone gave me a great (if sarcastic) idea for a Cafe Press store. (UC Davis was part of what put the Farm in BerkeleyFarm.)

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    The veil of anonymity has been lifted. Social lubricant flowed by the pitcher-full. And you are all way more awesome in person than I ever could have imagined.

    1. Extemporanus

      Lubricant certainly helped our relationship, that's for damn sure! (Sooo messy!)

      And I agree, Officer: Everyone was way more awesomer. Even the lurkers impressed!

      By the way, did you ever figure out whose blood it was that you stepped in? That was a real bummer…

        1. Extemporanus

          Guilty as charged.

          Perhaps it was from that douche you clocked for trying to cop a feel on MissTaken (you owe CT Big Time, JMP!). That was really quite impressive, dude, both because of your surprisingly solid left hook, and because of the fact that you didn't spill your drink when landing it.

          I really hope that someone got a picture of that shit. Wow.

  39. berkeleyfarm

    That was huge fun, everyone! Great meeting you. Sounds like it kept going for a while after I left at 10 pm. I have one (non embarassing) pic of the Editrix that I'll send.

    I had forgotten that Green Apple Books was on that block. Really almost got sucked into that vortex, but I was home in Berkeley after about 11:15.

    And, yes, I did say "REAR DOOR" out loud on the 38 Geary. TRADITION!!!

    1. Extemporanus


      It was a pleasure meeting you, too. And if Green Apple had a bar, I can guarantee you that that vortex woulda been lousy with spine cracking Wonketteers.

  40. Left_Leftie

    Oh a drinky good time it was! Great to meet the lurkers and oue Editrix is a fantastic hostess! No Snark. Wonketters are good peeps. The results of my poll question: Mitt Romney, Alien or Robot? Most said: He is a Mormon, they are just like that. So that means Alien wins right?

    1. Extemporanus

      Blah, blah, blah…

      You are awesome, LL. (Also, I have that same jacket. Seriously. Which makes you even more awesomer.) Thanks for letting me touch your hair, and for keeping things boisterously upbeat right up till the bitter end.

    2. bobbert

      Wait, did I say "Mormon" or "Moron"? Over and over, I suppose.

      Nice talking with you. And, on reflection, "Alien".

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