We have a sad. The kids at Fark noticed that the guys at Cracked noticed that there is some dumb floozy who is the new Fox News Magazine’s “style and beauty editor,” and not only is she a dumb floozy who thinks playing “pranks” on your husband will spice up your relationship (pranks like making him think you set up a webcam to watch him take a dump? SAD FACE), but also she plagiarized the whole thing from some children’s website.
Why are we sad? Because this dumb floozy has a journalism job, while so many of you are forced to slave in the Wonkville story mines, where we charge you for AIR!
Here are just a few of the pranks Amber Milt stole from a children’s website to get her husband to bone her:
Others include, well, all of the things below, in this excerpt from Cracked!
While I’m on the subject of Amber Milt’s tragic shittiness, I Googled “poking a gummy worm into an apple.” To me, the entire idea seemed to violate physics as we know them. I found this article: “7 Kid Pranks to Play on Random Victims.” It has the exact same prank, and as you can imagine, the trick is to cut a hole in the apple first. That seems like a weird step to leave out from the woman who earlier gave us the tip on how it’s easier to read objects when they exist in our field of vision.
Funny enough, the article that Amber also clearly Googled included other fun pranks like GLUING A COIN TO THE FLOOR, PUTTING TAPE OVER APPLIANCES TO RENDER THEM USELESS and DROPPING FOOD COLORING INTO DRINKS. So let me make this as clear as I can:
FoxNews.com’s style and beauty editor Amber Milt found an article for children, stole it, and presented it to Fox News readers as erotic material.
And there you have it. Do head over and see Amber’s handiwork before it’s yanked. The comments are a peach!
{ 365 comments }
6. Pee in a lemonade jar, stick it in the fridge. Won't he be surprised.
This erotic prank traditionally uses apple juice, actually.
Get a job as an assistant coach at a large university sport program. Fuck little boys. Get your bosses to cover it up so you can fuck some more little boys. Also.
Oh Wunk, you do me proud.
I find this piece to be a bit iffy to masturbate to.
What if I paste a "kick me" sign to your back? Does that help?
That is one of the actual pranks, but "hug me" instead. Dumbass.
However it can be done…
I write for Wonkette for free, and grow corn in my spare time to pay the bills.
I don't have a nice rack, either.
To dry your corn on? Oh, wait, I get it.
Unless you are boning an 8th grader, none of that shit would get you laid. So in her case, it probably works like a charm.
Is she related to Mary Kay Letourneau?
Jerry Sandusky libel!
I bet she thinks playing pranks on her is cruel.
Ah yes nv9, the old bully-victim-bully seamless transition is still strong on the wingshits.
yes, Mitt's prankster, if he gets elected, these tricks will be tax deductible, in the cayman islands.
Alternate title:
The Free Market allows wives to harrass their husbands back; Funding for victims of domestic violence is nanny state regulation
by Nikki Haley for Reason Magazine.
How much does she know about mutually beneficial arrangements? College girls? Single moms?
Single moms in college!
Want to put the spice back in your marriage? Bend over naked beside a classic sports car!
Don't forget about cougar grandmothers…
Thanks — I'm gonna start trying to forget them right now.
Wait. That ad is a prank?
"He will be expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!"
And that is a metaphor for Amber's marriage.
At this point, this comment is simply hoping for trickle-down theory to make its way to upfisting.
Milt: Mom I'd Like to Tinkle on
What the fuck is Wonkville and how did I miss it?
Turn right and follow the buffalo.
Just don't follow close, right? I grew up rural. I know things.
Anyone else using Safari & not able to submit tips to Wonkville?
Mozilla, I thought they could tell what other websites I visit and were blocking me out of pr0n fear.
My problem was that I couldn't enter anything into the 'domain' box, but if I left it blank, I got an error message that I didn't fill in all the blanks.
I'll try switch browsers.
Yep, you're more proactive than I though…I just thought "fuck it".
Just the latest shiny new shaft in the Wonkette salt mine
Just mapquest it and you'll be fine.
I'm just figuring that one out for myself….so, I guess it's a "tip line" of sorts for those who are willing to scrape the belly of Chris Christie for horrific wingnut-fused stories. Personally, I'd like to have "wonkette's world o' books" back open because I have a couple of reviews…or something. Eh, for old and out of date books like Douchey McBeckerheads latest work..or good books like Chris Mooney's "The Republican Brain" which is a must-read for any libtard. So yeah, I'll do my best to occassionally point out a story or two..I just usually don't waste my time in Wingnutsville so the snark concentration will probably be low. Has anyone thought of like a "Wonked in the movies" or something? There's lots of political content in film-media over the years that deserves to get ripped and riffed on…just an idea.
I vote for both of these.
Jesus, and I thought Cosmo's tips were bad…
I refuse to believe that they are serious about this.
What, you don't like the Scrunchie-on-the peen tip?
"Whack his penis back and forth like a bop clown"
Sexy~
"Lick his eye balls."
"Snort like a pig."
"Chew on his eyebrows."
"Tell him he's God and you're the Virgin Mary."
I gotta say, my partner totally gets grossed out at the licking eyeballs bit. I *like* that. But eyebrows, no. Those hairs are like pig bristles. (Don't ask me how I know.)
Yaknow?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI
I don't know how to do the fancy embedding thingy, but this right here is some funny shit: http://jezebel.com/5919206/cosmos-44-most-ridicul…
Had to stop reading. Giggle fit led to coughing fit led to hiccups.
I am both oddly turned on and oddly confused and laughing the entire the time. lol
Bwahahahaha!!! Jezebel has a wicked sense of humor.
I found myself wondering how anyone could even try some of these tips without some notecards. Maybe they skipped "Buy some sexy index cards to write down these descriptions, then poke him with the corners of the cards once you have them memorized".
I loved the part immediately before #11:
Also, too:
Jezebel does have a wicked sense of humor, but apparently so does Nerve.
Cosmo's a pretty good dog, overall, but … oh, you weren't talking about the dog.
Let's see..Fox News and a childrens website? Yeah, that's about the same level. (Stinky, fartbomby level!)
Nah the child's website demonstrates greater emotional development than anything Foxx Nuuzzz has going for it. Personally I just think this chick is married to a bland, closeted wingnut and therefore this shit is inventive. This is a condition which degrades over time turning once grade a or b ass into something similar to Pam Gellar…it's obvious she hasn't been fucked for a long, long time. I wonder if her husband preferred Palistinian boys or something…would explain the rank hatred.
Also, since today seems to be the day to make fun of people's names…
Amber Milt? Wasn't she an extra in Nailin' Palin?
I thought it was a drink made with bourbon and melted cheese.
A rare but poisonous spider mite?
Her husband should prank her by putting Capsaicin cream in her K-Y Jelly container, laugh like hell when her kasloppis starts to burn and hand her a snow cone to sit on.
Mr. Barb is a lucky guy
Thanks Thurman.
I find this comment easy to masturbate to.
We all do, Katie…we all do.
Sno-cone? Barb, you are too nice.
I had a hand sanitizer mix-up once. God.
Owwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!
That's what I said, roughly. 3 years ago and he's still apologizing for it. A small bottle of hand sanitizer and Astroglide are pretty similar if you are concentrating on other things…
Oh, I know….I had an incident of my own causing that dumb once…rubbing deep heating rub on your sore quad and then going to take a piss without washing your hands first. One of the dumbest things I've done to my anatomy and my dick wouldn't speak to me for a week afterwards…
If your dick won't speak to you that is when you beat the answers out of him. Oh, just kidding.
As a male, you find religion when you have a zipper incident. Any religion that lets you keep your foreskin.
A boyfriend and I took a walk that involved him stepping off to take a leak. Sadly he did not realize that he had touched poison ivy beforehand.
Try having sex shortly after slicing a pound or so of pretty damn hot chilli peppers. No matter how much you wash your hands, you can't get rid of that shit, and it, um, spices up any encounter for a day or two.
That happened to friends of mine. Spent happy couple time pickling peppers, two days later- 2 DAYS! had sexy time and OWWWWWW!!
Ow is right. Capsaicin and tender tissues = bad mix.
A peck of pickled peppers?
Rub your hands with yogurt before washing them. It may not get rid of all the burny stuff, but it's bound to do better than just soap & water.
I'll try, but doubt it'll do much good. I cook a lot, and make everything from scratch, so my hands are constantly in soap and water, and having experience with this process, I tried oil (vegetable), hand lotion, and some moisturizing stuff, applied and washed off. It didn't do much. :)
I've decided to accept a spicy sex life as a consequence. But my partner thanks you for that tip.
Yea, what's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander! (Ann Romney learned this the hard way.)
Barb:
Is that the female version of the old BenGay in the jockstrap?
Tundra, I am ashamed to say it but this actually happened to a relative of mine.
BenGay or the KY Jelly jar lid switch?
Many years ago my girl friend spent too many drunken evenings with the gay boys in San Francisco and she then convinced me what our love life needed was some spicing up with Tiger Balm.
Big mistake. For me. She thought it was pretty funny.
Ouch, I have a dick and the thought of that hurt. So, is there any way we can get you hired as Palin's assistant or anything? You could act dumber than shit while deep cover and then operation "burn the hell barn down" could begin…think about all the people who'd benefit from your service.
Duuuude, isn't Sarah Palin already screechy enough without doing that to her?
P-Dog, I was just reading Sarah's twitter stuff and she seems to have a bunch of followers who think that she is actually running for something. One funny dude is CoolChange80 who has almost twenty-eight THOUSAND pro-Sarah tweets. Funny thing is that she doesn't follow him back. Tweets ain't $$$.
Dang it lady…have you been reading my diary?!
Reading your diary is my wet dream.
I've learned more about you people than I ever
wantedneeded to know.Take pictures I yourself fucking all his friends and male family. Upload to Facebook, tag him and let the hilarity ensue!
We didn't used to date, did we?
The benefits of friends.
You have an evil mind – I respect and admire that.
expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!
I think you secretly wanted "blah" instead, deep down, Amber. Do try blah on for size. You might be delightfully surprised!
2. This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.
This is funny because your husband is obviously a fucking idiot! Curveballs?! Hahaha! Enjoy all the sexytime you will not be getting after doing this!
This is more like things to confuse and frustrate the mentally challenged.
For shame!
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE FUN OF THEM HERE, FOR DOUBLE-SHAME!
Listen to Mumbly he knows.
Amber assumes all men are as dumb as the ones at Fox.
All her pranks have the "Worked On Doocy" seal of approval.
Do you get Green Stamps with that?
Dick Cheney once brought Bush a box of Curveballs and we found ourselves in Iraq for the next 8 years.
That was the best prank evah! I get orgasms just hearing the words 'weapons of mass destruction'. Yup, just had another!
"Shock and awe" does it for me. Ooohh baby….
"Emission accomplished" rings my chime every time.
Watch out! Keep this up and you could end up at the abortionplex.
I think you'd get better results with cedar cheese and cakes we like.
Not good results, but better.
Yeah. Cause in all my (redacted) years I've never shopped in a grocery store. That's womans work.
George Herbert Walker? Zat you?
I found "hey, want to go to bed a little early tonight?" works surprisingly well.
Now, that's my kinda prank.
By the way, I still haven't found that kosher bacon you asked me to pick up.
That's okay, I can use halal bacon instead.
What's wrong with you?! It's always right there next to the circumcised weiners!
There is such a thing. Chicken bacon.
But that's not bacon; no more than a veggie burger is a hamburger.
I've got nothin' 'gainst bakin' chicken, but chicken bacon is just wrong.
When I worked on the pipeline, it was standard to tell the new workers to go ask the boss where the striped paint is. Or for a bucket of steam. As far as I can tell, nobody ever fell for it. Ever. From the dawn of civilization, when prehistoric humans first learned how to put things in big, long ditches.
And it's a good thing there was nobody who fell for it, since you don't want a drooling simpleton operating heavy machinery in your blind spot.
You mean there's no such thing as Dalmatian paint?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEQ4eGbpadc
In the Navy it was 2ft of Chow Line and four rounds of fallopian tubing.
A coastguard friend says it was lambasting newbies for not reporting the B1rds or GU11s.
whoops…I said the R-word. Uh, lady I am a "sportsguy" (recovering) and if my wife or girlfriend or even the woman I'm currently fucking asked me for a box of curveballs….I wouldn't laugh and definitely wouldn't fall for it. I'd figure A) she's a moron or B) she doesn't understand baseball. C) the Palin conclusion would follow with a CATscan…point is, it wouldn't enhance the sexy time it would actually uh…r*tard it by giving me the idea you're a fucking idiot…not cute.
If you're married, have a girlfriend, and a third that you're fucking on the side ALL AT THE SAME TIME, a tip of my hat to you, dear sir. Now that is impressive.
haha…well I did once have a married woman who was kind of a girlfriend that I was fucking…more than once if you get my meaning. I wish I had those kinds of skills…but I suppose I need to get married before I can carry out that sort of plan…
Rudolph the red dildo-nosed reindeer is a far superior gag than any of these.
Wait?
Dehydrated water isn't real?
6. Light his and your hair on fire.
11. Tell everyone in the country that some tinpot dictator is hiding massive quantities of nerve gas and biological weapons all over his country, and that invading it and liberating its citizens will pay for itself and you'll be heroes all over the world.
That was sooooo fucking hilarious. Especially all those Iraqis who didn't know what the fuck hit them and the US Amercian soldiers who lost limbs/minds/buddies/etc let alone the money spent on it. Worth every penny and drop of blood.
That's what she said – a box of Curveballs for your sports-inclined President.
Ahmad Chalabi in all the old familiar places —
Dodging IEDs between the Tigris and Euphrates…
ZING!
For some reason, I'm experiencing a sort of deja vu …
Judith Miller?
Is that you?
VEEP!!!
Though she does bear some resemblance to the babe in the ad for "Mutually Beneficial Arrangements." Coincidence? I don't think so!
Never prank the sugar daddy! Save that for the pool boy…
That prank is, the babe is really a guy…uh oh.
Ladyboy Libel!
I'm going to crib some stuff from HiLights for Children and the Sandusky Report and make my own article. Spicy !
I think that's called Thomas Pynchon's unpublished novel.
Alex
When your husband comes home pretend you don't know who he is a la Total Recall, then kick him in the nuts and scream for the police. When the police arrive accuse him of assault. Once you bail him out be prepared for THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE.
I like Alex.
That was a good one.
That is a good one. And timely, with the Total Recall remake coming out soon.
Colin Farrell! FAP!
Those pranks suck. Now if you want some prank ideas come to good ol' Baconzgood office when he's bored or doesn't like a certain co-worker. Prank gold mine.
Saran wrap on the toilet?
This I've done before and I'm letting you have it. Use it wisely friend. If you're ever house sitting for a friend . Crank up the AC to max. Close all vents except the one in the bathroom. Make jello (I find blue is the best for obvious reasons). Pour jello slowly into shitter. Close bathroom and wait for friend to return. Then laugh and laugh and laugh.
A friend of mine made a bathtub full of green Jello at somebody's house during a party. They didn't think is was so funny and we were never invited to their parties again ;-(
Rush would eat both of these if you threw in some olives and Miracle Whip.
I laughing out loud at this, and I haven't even seen it done, yet.
Poor Dale.
After reading of your other exploits, I built a little bacon shrine in your honor and bow down before greatness.
The most I ever did was help fill a pot-dealing guy's frat house room to the brim with a smoke machine, crack the window and, while said guy was hanging out on the front porch utterly blitzed, scream, "BOB!! FIRE IN YOUR ROOM!!"
Never seen anyone go up 3 flights of stairs that fast. Not before, and not since.
How come none of these are "Roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge"?
Jesus, I hope her husband is Bill O'Reilly!
These would be great if I wanted to "spice up" my relationship with an eight-year-old boy. Did Amber rip these straight from the Jerry Sandusky playbook?
#8 Get together with pals, force hubby on floor, and cut his hair while calling him "queer."
What? That's not funny?
Who'd'a thunk?
Children's magazine? I don't know what you're talking about. I get all my politics news from Wonkette and my business news from Cracked.
Amber Milt as a professional name works better than Yellowy Fish Jizz. Classy-like and shit.
Yellowy Fish Jizz is what they call Mountain Dew in Japan
The funniest thing is hearing them pronounce it.
So that's why Levi left.
Hahahahahaha, it's funny because Amber Milt's husband's life clearly sucks!
And it seems that Amber Milt doesn't suck, my condolences to her husband.
This is the kind of chick that would come up behind her old man at the breakfast table when he has a hangover, put her hands over his eyes and say "Guess Who?" in a loud, cheery voice. Don't be surprised when you hear she got beaten to death by him with the toaster.
She's as wet as a fish's wet bits
Hell, I'm ready to do it now, and I'm not even married to her.
I see some photoshop retoucher enhanced her… personality.
That’s a neat trick to play.
I like this pic of her from her Twitter
And this.
And this.
1st pic: She's showing off her face eating skills.
2nd pic: Furry convention?
3rd pic: He's totally checking out her rack.
Seriously, Fox News has a magazine???
That's where Fox News stores its brunettes.
Their magazine is the kind that holds extra bullets.
I assume it has a lot of pictures and not so many of the long difficult words, like "empathy" or "humanitarian".
I assume they would put those words in scare quotes too.
Fox News has a magazine. They just don't have a coloring book. The crayons would be all white and how could you tell if you colored in a picture or not?
All the lines disappear. "Look Mommy!, I made a blank sheet of paper."
Here's a clever prank you can pull on the entire country: Nominate Mitt Romney to run for President.
Or pretend that Herman Cain is a viable candidate.
I think that's a prank that the GOP pulled on itself.
If CNN ran stories like this they might actually have an audience.
Amber comes home from a long day at work and her boyfriend is in the hallway with his bags packed.
Amber – What is going on? Are you leaving?
BF – Yes, I can't be with you anymore. I heard you were a pedophile.
Amber – Pedophile huh, pretty big word for a 12 year old.
badabum
Guy comes home from work and his wife says "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery."
Guy says "Great! For the mountains or the beach?"
Wife says "I don't care – just get the Hell out."
Score one for reality!
Milt: the seminal fluid of fish, mollusks, and certain other water-dwelling animals who reproduce by spraying this fluid, which contains the sperm, onto roe (fish eggs).
Roe vs. Waders?
Puts the timeless humor of Uncle Miltie in a whole new light.
Oh yeah. So after knowing my spouse for over 25 years, and being married almost 23 years – this same caring, loving and indulgent human being whom for some unfathomable reason has put up with me for all this time – so I now need to "spice" things up in our relationship by employing grade-school level tee-hees. Cause that's sure to get me some sexytime points on the board.
Ayup.
Anope.
Adope. She is.
I mean, jeez, when you've been making sexytime with someone for a few decades and y'all REALLY love each other, the sex just keeps getting *better.* It doesn't NEED "spicing up." I guess she must not be getting any.
8. Tell him your twin sister totally wants to have a threeway with him and that you're absolutely cool with it. Make sure to tell him to show up at your secret rendezvous place completely naked! When he arrives and starts jerking off, turn on the lights and reveal that it's actually his niece's 8th birthday party! SURPRISE!!
He'll get 15 to 20, and you'll finally have some peace and fucking quiet. BONUS: Nothing spices up a bland sex life like conjugal visits!
Oh, you are SO CRUEL! I love it!
Don't forget the phone sex over the recorded prison lines – since it's a collect call
, it's $1.95 a minute, just like old times!
Isn't milt a type of fish sperm?
"Amber" milt must have been drying on a Kleenex for a couple of days.
It's spelled with two t's with no l, and yes he is fish sperm.
Give her a few years at Fox and she will look more like a sperm whale. I could totally see this woman with a thermos full of vodka in her office bathroom.
No shaving cream in the face? No hand in the warm water to make him pee the bed? I'm beginning to think she doesn't know much about sex.
There's one at the original Kid's Prank site called
Ding-dong Ditch
Must be the same as Ring the Bell and Run Like Hell.
Oh, of course. I'd better stop what I was doing then.
How about the classic "Burning bag of dog poop?"
I love Seanbaby's work. I've been following him since his Super Friends days.
I know, right? I was so happy to see his name on the Cracked article! Seanbaby is an internet treasure.
Here is a way to "spice things up" dyke it up with two other broads in front of him. Just sayin'
I was kind of thinking along the same lines, myself. She had me going on the "twin sister" setup – Doublemint, anyone? – but the follow through lacked imagination.
Send your hubby to South Texas with Dick Cheney, loaded shotguns and ask him to bring home some duck meat. Secretly remove the tweezers from his toiletry bag so he'll be forced to remove buckshot from his face with rusty, old pliers.
Extra pee points for explaining how duck-faces should be shot.
Reminds me of some great office pranks we used to pull.
Take a dump on the floor. Tell your coworkers it's the fake plastic kind you bought at a joke shop, and when someone tries to pick it up, point and laugh.
Come running out of the bathroom with your dick hanging out and pee spraying everywhere, screaming, "It won't stop! God help me it won't stop!" When it finally stops, look down and say, "Oh."
Hilarity!
I LOLed. I'm not proud.
Me to. Thank god I live alone.
I did too, emmelemm.
Oh yeah that was real funny pastor Generation [redacted].
My very first job out of college was in an insurance office in downtown San Francisco.
One of the nice ladies told me they had cancelled future Christmas parties after the last gift exchange featured one lucky guy opening a box of poop.
"And it weren't no dog poop, either!"
Especially funny if you've got a dick but you're running out of the women's room…
I now know what I'm doing on my last day at this job …
Wasn't that second one from Skippy's List? Is that you, Amber?
11. Get a job at Fox News. Tell him you're a "journalist".
100 P points to you.
De rien. For large p-ness, it's essential that your comment be at the top of page one, or at the bottom. Location, location, location.
Dressed as a police officer, go to Amber's office and tell her, "Under the Affordable Care Act plagiarism is a capital offense!" Lead her away in handcuffs (hopefully, she will be crying), put her in the trunk of your car. Drive she-who-has-a-porn-star-name to the middle of nowhere and leave her there (still in cuffs). A guaranteed knee-slapper!
Do you need to dress as a Michigan State Trooper?
It's good for a guffaw or two.
If your turn to Fox News for erotica, you get exactly what you deserve.
Stale incencense, soul sweat, and lies, lies, lies?
Tell him you're ready to do anal and when he comes into the bedroom whip out your dildo and gun and yell at him to bend over – won't he be surprised!
While you're giving him a BJ, look up and ask, "Why does your dick smell like my sisters' lipstick?"
"Why does does your dick smell like my brother's breath?"
A Fox enthusiastic might find that his dream come true, y'know.
Peg O My Heart?
This won't work unless you can imitate Karl Rove's voice.
"Amber Milt is the Style & Beauty Editor and celebrity correspondent for Fox News Magazine.
In addition to getting the latest scoop on your favorite celebs, her mission is to seek out the best (and cheapest) beauty tips and trends in hopes of changing the world "one makeover at a time."
A native New Yorker, she currently lives with her fiancé — an unappreciative but understanding subject for her beauty and styling experiments."
Former crash test dummy.
Nice to see the IQ at Fox climbing for a change. She can have brown hair because she's not TV.
We probably shouldn't be too critical. When she arrived at FOX all bright eyed and innocent she probably had a functioning brain and a soul. Years of being stuck with the apparent result of combining Ted Baxter and Rush Limbaughs DNA and raising it into adulthood (after great amounts of abuse and trauma) as co workers probably brought her to this lowly state. Imagine having to share space with Steve Doocey for a few years and imagine how much your intellect and emotional sense of well being would suffer.
I like these salt mines. Even though I'm married and not gay, I'd gay marry these salt mines… you guys are my relationship therapy *sniff*
(because I can laugh at the computer, instead of watching more teevee, IYKWIS)
Once again evidence that for a woman to work at Fox, does not require any talent except blowing Roger Ailes.
Seanbaby is awesome, as are a some of the other Cracked regulars; that is all.
PUNCHMASTER!!!
And POPSICLE PETE! None of you are safe!
Pull my penis…
Now pull it again…and again…and again…and again…and here comes your BIG surprise!
…and don't stop until I tells you to.
As a traditionalist I’m sticking with inviting a hooker dressed like the comic charcater the Leather Nun .
Ah goodie, children's pranks to play for sexytime. From the Sandusky Guide to Erotica.
If you must post a profile pic of a FuxNews bimbette, at least use one that shows side boob.
After looking at that photo, she has more side boob than many others have front.
11. Get yourself knocked up by another guy, preferably someone with whom it will be obvious the kid is not his. Hi-larious!
You must have just seen "Mandingo."
Bristol?
'Cause, let me tell you, that baby ain't his.
I thought that the baby wasn't hers?
Air, please….I'm snarkless without it….Pleeze…..
I know. Those lame pranks are a snark black hole. Stay away from the event horizon of not funny lameness Toomush.
Weakly colored bland water is this generation's Viagra.
Gravatar auto-migration is this generation's Typhoid Mary.
Sad fact: she was in my graduating class in college. Sadder fact: it was a pretty good college.
It could be worse; I went to college with Tucker fucking Max. And yes, he's as much of a douche in real life.
You are right. That is worse.
But I'm thinking that marrying Amber Milt to Tucker Max would be sort of a good idea, like when you put the kitty litter into the expired cough suspension before disposal.
You poor bastard. I'm trying to work out whether that's worse than going to college with Tucker Carlson and can't decide.
I love the cover shot of one of his books where it looks like he's taking a mugshot, and then a picture comes out showing him standing on a cushion. Even that was fake. lol
12. Before he gets home from work, tell the children he just died from a massive coronary. Good times!
Tell the kids that if dad comes home he's really a zombie and you have to bash him in the head or he'll eat your brains. Fun for the whole family!
Or he's a vampire and they have either drive a wooden stake through his heart or set him on fire – great fun!
Holy crap! Fox employs a non-blonde woman!?!? This is worth at least 2 drudge sirens.
I say it all the time (with the exception of the blonds here on wonkette) if you want smart and funny go brunette.
Granted, there's the Palin wig exception, which nicely dovetails with the hookworm conjecture.
which nicely dovetails with the hookworm conjecture.
It's alive!
Fine. Ignore the redheads.
OK, so if I don't want a Republican to secretly put up a live webstream of me taking a dump, that means I am "shy." Got it.
When he dozes off while watching TV…place his hand in a bowl of warm water!
If any of this shit actually seems to work on Amber Milt's significant other, I'm pretty sure he's really just playing along because she's attractive and he still likes fucking her enough to not want to piss her off too badly.
She'll know when he's done playing along. He'll replace her Summer's Eve with Diet Coke & Mentos.
Or he might pull the absolutely hilarious poke-a-hole-in-the-condom prank. "You missed you period, honey? Ha-ha, pranked you!"
I don't know man sex can only take you so far before one sais " Jesus it just ain't worth it"
It's quite a lot.
No matter how pretty she is, someone is sick of her shit.
" . . . because she's attractive and he still likes fucking her enough to not want to piss her off too badly."
Yeah, but how does he get rid of the feeling that he's screwing a wildly overdeveloped 8-year-old?
2. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work.
Honey, you do realize he's laughing at you, not with you, right?
Ask your guy to go to the local farm supply store and buy 2 tons of ammonium nitrate. Have him insist that they load it into the back of his rented U-Haul truck. As part of the gag, be sure to have him pay in cash and carry a copy of the Koran. Tell him to pretend to have a middle eastern accent and ask the clerk for directions to Washington, DC.
Seanbaby certainly diced and sliced this chick, that's all I can say.
11.Replace his boner pills with saltpeter tablets. Show him bogus news article that connects NASCAR and Fox News viewing with impotence and latent homosexual cravings.
Those articles are bogus? You sure?
Take your unbelievable bust-to-waist ration and crouch naked by his antique roadster.
Poor girl needs that MBA really bad – she still can't afford any clothes!
————————->
14. Gals, take a demure lady dump in the back pocket of his work slacks. He'll never realize he's the one at the office who stinks!
You two will be making hot smelly whoopee in no time!
Sweet mother…my heart is pounding like a bullfrog in heat of a long summer day.
Like a fresh fucked Föx in a forest fire.
15. Tie him up and tell him you want to do the long fantasized anal. Then take a shit in his mouth. Put a toothbrush just out of his reach and say, "How's that for a Mutually Beneficial Arrangement?"
Nice to see you Radio. Welcome home.
Thanks, good to be back and laughing with all you indomitable wits.
15b. After the first time, you only need to tell him he's going to get another MBA.
She has a nice rack.
…and that's why I don't give a fuck what she journalizes.
Let's Play!!
Tie her to the bed. Then fly to Las Vegas for the week.
Milt?
I was going with MLF…
I overheard these from some half-wit in Texas:
1. Stay drunk for several decades. Sober up and get 5 of your dad's friends to make you President.
2. Wait for a terrorist to threaten to fly planes into tall buildings. Go on vacation
3. Tell some dirt poor country to hand over some terrorist or you'll invade. Wait for them to offer him up, then invade anyway.
4. Tell a pathological liar of a dictator who's country's airspace you've been flying over for 10 years to allow inspectors into his country or you'll invade. Wait for inspectors to return. Invade anyway.
5. Give a massive tax cut to the rich. Wait for the economy to crater then blame the poor.
6. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Fly over it.
7. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Send your mom to tell the refugees sleeping on cots in a high school gym that they've never had it so good.
8. Create a massive entitlement program that is really a give-away to big pharma. Call your opponents fiscally irresponsible.
9. Collect millions in campaign contributions from your criminal friends. Pretend not to know them when they get arrested.
10. Choke on a pretzel. Survive.
That's just sick.
11. Have an amoral vice president with a soul made of pure hatred. Take his advice at all times.
12. Have your campaign manager dig up a load of fake veterans and smear the shit out of your war hero opponent.
13. Do an excellent impression of a shaven chimpanzee. Combine it with a sneering, patrician yet pig-ignorant vocal delivery which makes people want to smack your face in with a shovel.
14. Claim you've won a war then spend another trillion dollars on it. Bonus points for blowing up barefoot brown kids.
15. Say that social security should be privatized just before the economy collapses.
16. Take a budget surplus and squander the fuck out of it with bullshit.
17. Change "we'll get him dead or alive" to "I don't think about that guy any more". Hope nobody notices.
18. Do great work on AIDS and malaria in Africa. Ignore the povertons in your own country – they probably deserve it.
19. Let The Eagle Soar. Enough said.
20. Do a backroom oil deal with the Taliban. Then, after some buildings get blown to fuck because you ignored some crucial intelligence, bomb the bejesus out of them.
21. Don't travel to Europe for fear of arrest.
22. Not that you would anyway because you think "intellectual curiosity" is the name of a banjo-based popular beat combo.
Feature, not bug.
"7. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Send your mom to tell the refugees sleeping on cots in a high school gym that they've never had it so good."
To this day I can't think of a suitable response to this occurrence that won't put me on some kind of Secret Service watch list.
7a: Have wing nuts pass around pictures of several dozen school buses that should have been used to remove thousands of people to an unknown remote destination without refueling.
Cracked? That rag is like theSarah Palin of the humor magazines.
It has evolved nicely in the digital age.
http://www.cracked.com/
Why is the chick mooning that sports car-and why am I not in the driver's seat?
Buy about 30 used weather balloons on Ebay and fill them all up with helium. Get hubby totally drunk and tell him to relax in the new lawn chair you just bought him. When he falls asleep, attach the balloons to the chair and let them go. Call the local FAA office and police and tell them someone screaming "Jihad" and "I have explosives" just went up into the air in a home made balloon. Be sure to hit "RECORD" on CNN so hubby can re-live that night's hijinks!!!!
I think she's begging for a potato up the tail pipe.
That comment was meant for the previous Sarah Palin thread, right?
It's a classic prank.
Wait … FoxNews _isn't_ written by and for six year olds?
…Not touching that one.
That's what she said.
Oh, god. I feel so very dirty.
I know Faux is appealing to the lowest common denominator, but really … is it THAT low?
Clearly slaving Wonkette editors missed fox journalism class on "sleeping your way to the top"
So far, Amber's only slept her way to the middle. (Megyn Kelly… that BITCH!!)
Amber Milt?
Those comments are excellent, just plain excellent.
Fukui-San's comments rocked!
Would that I could take credit, but I believe our friend Negropolis is referring to the piss-taking in the comments on the fox magazine site.
Sorry Fukui, I thought he was talking about the comments here. I've seen some really highly rated p-point comments in this thread and they are hilarious.
I was originally talking about the coments on the article at the magazine, but then I read through this thread and my comment applies equally if not more so. Rarely have I laughed this hard.
She probably wrote her rough draft of this 'article' in crayons.
Just after hiding her husband's car keys in the cat's litter tray.
The hair and makeup team must have to set their airbrush guns to STUN to have to cover this bitch's black eyes.
What happened in Slowville? I work in a town of 30,000 and I would NEVER stoop to this kind of stoopid!
Hey you guys, guess what…
I'M AMBER MILT!
Bwaaahahahaha!!
Admit it — I totally got ya, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!
Alright now…who's in the mood for some dry humping and a desultory handjob?
Top pranking! Now I'm frisky!
ALLEZ VAGIN!
Like wizard sleeve..
No scissoring for the gal pals?
Oh, are you feeling Fiskar-y, too? Well then, good news!
As it says on my box: "Tribbed for her pleasure."
You are the funniest, most amusing, most intelligent person I've EVER come across. Your humor makes me think and when the joke hits my funny bone it is more satisfying than a Thanksgiving dinner. Fuck the obvious pun reference, you make my brain work and that is what I look for in a person of interest.
You and I would instantly meld together at a party, have a torrid romance and then think of clever ways to kill one another. I would be amused even if you killed me first.
I just got bad news and I will be away for a while. I will be back in 2 weeks.
~peace~
Amber MILT? Lame. Amber Malt. mmmm.
Also, a bland surprise? That's not even a good oxymron.
OT: irrational anger
The BBC has an article about lemurs being endangered. They have a picture of a Sifaka.
Now, strictly that's a lemur, but it's of the family Indriidae not Lemuridae. Clue is in the name, cunts.
It annoys me like when people call chimps monkeys rather than apes.
Reckon I'm autistic or something :/
Way OT: have you ever accidently read a YouTube comment thread and wanted to jump out of a window?
I've wanted to defenestrate the posters. Does that count?
OT: "Wonkville" is fucked because it defaults to the "Hot" tab, which is also first in order. Apparently a lot of us are too clueless to click on "Newest". Therefore nobody will ever learn anything except that Obama is a Pakistani spy. Obvious fixes, please?
I asked Rebecca to do something about this. Like let the rankings expire after a couple days, or something. She didn't seem interested. You think I'm not tired of looking at that Pakistani Spy bullshit? I even asked chascates to pull it down. Nothing.
Shocker, that.
What the fuck happened to surprise oral sex and a martini?! Fucking hell.
That works – as long as hubby doesn't come home from work early.
I think it was a mistake for Tom to give Katie that subscription to Fox News Magazine.
I avoid thinking about "THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE'. Some concepts are too sad to ponder.
FUNNY JOURNALISM PRANKS
BY AMBER MILT
From The Journal of Plagiarism, Columbia School of Journalsm
1. Write a lame "article" about pranks to pull on your hapless husband.
2. Steal it from someone else, without attribution.
3. Put your own name on it.
Won't your editors–and your husband–be surprised! Not only will you have great sex at home, because you husband will love you for stealing from someone else, giving you a journalistic "bad girl" vibe, your editor will also love you for being creative and for saving time, money and resources in the newsroom!
–Amber "Jason Blair" Milt.
The Journal of Plagiarism
Columbia School of Journalism
I'd still do her. But I wouldn't pick up anything off the floor, or read any shopping list she gave me.
yeah, that's pretty lame.
Intense Debate is even buggier using Firefox, so, yes, fuck it!
So, a bit premature?
Oh God, I don't have a penis and I just winced at your comment. Thanks, Boat. (yeah, like I am going to spell the rest of your name while buzzed)
I'm one of those "cool" kids who tossed his trusty toshiba in exchange for that great game changer iPad. So, does anybody know how to get porn on this damn thing?
Hmm… I haven't really noticed much. But then, I came here from TPM where they use the truly god-awful LiveFyre which isn't
safefunctional at any speed (or in any browser).I have nothing but ❤ for teh anus!
(awaiting obligatory dirty replies)
And here I thought XKCD was fiction…
I was seconds away from just cold hittin' "Submit" on my delicious fist-lickin' turducken of a reply when I decided to refresh for some reason and caught your ominous most recent comment.
Not knowing whether or not anything that I'd intended to serve up would now be in poor taste, I'll simply say this: Make those two weeks count, and try not to spoil your appetite because there'll still be leftovers in the fridge when you return.
Peace and strength to you, Barb. We will miss you.
You'll have our love with you Barb. I'm so sorry to hear this.
We'll await your witty return. Hope you and loved ones are okay.
I'm terribly sorry to hear that, Barb. My best wishes and you'll be in my thoughts.
I'm sorry to hear about that, Barb. I hope whatever it is turns out for the best.
Vaya con Dios, buena senora.
You'll always #OccupyAnus, All-Growed-Up-Now-Smokin'-Babe, if for no other reason than you — and you alone — once championed my fate when all others wrote me off as lost.
To be fair, my limbs are nowhere near that thin. My patience, on the other hand…
Would do it again in a ❤beat!
Really more like a pick of peppered peckers.
This comment ^^^ is not getting anywhere near the love it deserves.
How bout a "pepper pickled pecker?"
There's an app for that.
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