sexy bathroom pranks

Fox News ‘Magazine’: Your Relationship Needs Plagiarized Children’s Articles That Will Make Your Husband Beat You

Journamalist!We have a sad. The kids at Fark noticed that the guys at Cracked noticed that there is some dumb floozy who is the new Fox News Magazine’s “style and beauty editor,” and not only is she a dumb floozy who thinks playing “pranks” on your husband will spice up your relationship (pranks like making him think you set up a webcam to watch him take a dump? SAD FACE), but also she plagiarized the whole thing from some children’s website.

Why are we sad? Because this dumb floozy has a journalism job, while so many of you are forced to slave in the Wonkville story mines, where we charge you for AIR!

Here are just a few of the pranks Amber Milt stole from a children’s website to get her husband to bone her:

Others include, well, all of the things below, in this excerpt from Cracked!

While I’m on the subject of Amber Milt’s tragic shittiness, I Googled “poking a gummy worm into an apple.” To me, the entire idea seemed to violate physics as we know them. I found this article: “7 Kid Pranks to Play on Random Victims.” It has the exact same prank, and as you can imagine, the trick is to cut a hole in the apple first. That seems like a weird step to leave out from the woman who earlier gave us the tip on how it’s easier to read objects when they exist in our field of vision.

Funny enough, the article that Amber also clearly Googled included other fun pranks like GLUING A COIN TO THE FLOOR, PUTTING TAPE OVER APPLIANCES TO RENDER THEM USELESS and DROPPING FOOD COLORING INTO DRINKS. So let me make this as clear as I can:

FoxNews.com’s style and beauty editor Amber Milt found an article for children, stole it, and presented it to Fox News readers as erotic material.

And there you have it. Do head over and see Amber’s handiwork before it’s yanked. The comments are a peach!

[Cracked, via Fark]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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365 comments

      1. WunkRocker

        Get a job as an assistant coach at a large university sport program. Fuck little boys. Get your bosses to cover it up so you can fuck some more little boys. Also.

  1. CivicHoliday

    Unless you are boning an 8th grader, none of that shit would get you laid. So in her case, it probably works like a charm.

    1. RadioSlut

      Ah yes nv9, the old bully-victim-bully seamless transition is still strong on the wingshits.

  2. arduinohacker

    yes, Mitt's prankster, if he gets elected, these tricks will be tax deductible, in the cayman islands.

  3. JohnnyQuick

    Alternate title:
    The Free Market allows wives to harrass their husbands back; Funding for victims of domestic violence is nanny state regulation

    by Nikki Haley for Reason Magazine.

  4. Billmatic

    How much does she know about mutually beneficial arrangements? College girls? Single moms?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Want to put the spice back in your marriage? Bend over naked beside a classic sports car!

  5. anniegetyerfun

    "He will be expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!"

    And that is a metaphor for Amber's marriage.

    1. CalamityJames

      At this point, this comment is simply hoping for trickle-down theory to make its way to upfisting.

        1. va_real

          My problem was that I couldn't enter anything into the 'domain' box, but if I left it blank, I got an error message that I didn't fill in all the blanks.

          I'll try switch browsers.

          1. CalamityJames

            I'm one of those "cool" kids who tossed his trusty toshiba in exchange for that great game changer iPad. So, does anybody know how to get porn on this damn thing?

          2. sullivanst

            Hmm… I haven't really noticed much. But then, I came here from TPM where they use the truly god-awful LiveFyre which isn't safe functional at any speed (or in any browser).

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I'm just figuring that one out for myself….so, I guess it's a "tip line" of sorts for those who are willing to scrape the belly of Chris Christie for horrific wingnut-fused stories. Personally, I'd like to have "wonkette's world o' books" back open because I have a couple of reviews…or something. Eh, for old and out of date books like Douchey McBeckerheads latest work..or good books like Chris Mooney's "The Republican Brain" which is a must-read for any libtard. So yeah, I'll do my best to occassionally point out a story or two..I just usually don't waste my time in Wingnutsville so the snark concentration will probably be low. Has anyone thought of like a "Wonked in the movies" or something? There's lots of political content in film-media over the years that deserves to get ripped and riffed on…just an idea.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        "Lick his eye balls."
        "Snort like a pig."
        "Chew on his eyebrows."
        "Tell him he's God and you're the Virgin Mary."

        1. MittBorg

          I gotta say, my partner totally gets grossed out at the licking eyeballs bit. I *like* that. But eyebrows, no. Those hairs are like pig bristles. (Don't ask me how I know.)

      1. Negropolis

        I am both oddly turned on and oddly confused and laughing the entire the time. lol

        11. "As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction."

        And remember ladies, never forget to smile!

        Bwahahahaha!!! Jezebel has a wicked sense of humor.

        1. PsycWench

          I found myself wondering how anyone could even try some of these tips without some notecards. Maybe they skipped "Buy some sexy index cards to write down these descriptions, then poke him with the corners of the cards once you have them memorized".

        2. sullivanst

          I loved the part immediately before #11:

          "We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will."
          I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.

          Also, too:

          This post originally appeared on Nerve. Republished with permission.

          Jezebel does have a wicked sense of humor, but apparently so does Nerve.

  6. Walkinwiddaking

    Let's see..Fox News and a childrens website? Yeah, that's about the same level. (Stinky, fartbomby level!)

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Nah the child's website demonstrates greater emotional development than anything Foxx Nuuzzz has going for it. Personally I just think this chick is married to a bland, closeted wingnut and therefore this shit is inventive. This is a condition which degrades over time turning once grade a or b ass into something similar to Pam Gellar…it's obvious she hasn't been fucked for a long, long time. I wonder if her husband preferred Palistinian boys or something…would explain the rank hatred.

  7. Callyson

    Also, since today seems to be the day to make fun of people's names…

    Amber Milt? Wasn't she an extra in Nailin' Palin?

  8. Barb

    Her husband should prank her by putting Capsaicin cream in her K-Y Jelly container, laugh like hell when her kasloppis starts to burn and hand her a snow cone to sit on.

        1. viennawoods13

          That's what I said, roughly. 3 years ago and he's still apologizing for it. A small bottle of hand sanitizer and Astroglide are pretty similar if you are concentrating on other things…

      1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Oh, I know….I had an incident of my own causing that dumb once…rubbing deep heating rub on your sore quad and then going to take a piss without washing your hands first. One of the dumbest things I've done to my anatomy and my dick wouldn't speak to me for a week afterwards…

        1. Barb

          If your dick won't speak to you that is when you beat the answers out of him. Oh, just kidding.

          1. BoatOfVelociraptors

            As a male, you find religion when you have a zipper incident. Any religion that lets you keep your foreskin.

          2. Barb

            Oh God, I don't have a penis and I just winced at your comment. Thanks, Boat. (yeah, like I am going to spell the rest of your name while buzzed)

        2. PsycWench

          A boyfriend and I took a walk that involved him stepping off to take a leak. Sadly he did not realize that he had touched poison ivy beforehand.

      2. MittBorg

        Try having sex shortly after slicing a pound or so of pretty damn hot chilli peppers. No matter how much you wash your hands, you can't get rid of that shit, and it, um, spices up any encounter for a day or two.

        1. viennawoods13

          That happened to friends of mine. Spent happy couple time pickling peppers, two days later- 2 DAYS! had sexy time and OWWWWWW!!

        2. HoytClagwell

          Rub your hands with yogurt before washing them. It may not get rid of all the burny stuff, but it's bound to do better than just soap & water.

          1. MittBorg

            I'll try, but doubt it'll do much good. I cook a lot, and make everything from scratch, so my hands are constantly in soap and water, and having experience with this process, I tried oil (vegetable), hand lotion, and some moisturizing stuff, applied and washed off. It didn't do much. :)

            I've decided to accept a spicy sex life as a consequence. But my partner thanks you for that tip.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Yea, what's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander! (Ann Romney learned this the hard way.)

        1. Tundra Grifter

          BenGay or the KY Jelly jar lid switch?

          Many years ago my girl friend spent too many drunken evenings with the gay boys in San Francisco and she then convinced me what our love life needed was some spicing up with Tiger Balm.

          Big mistake. For me. She thought it was pretty funny.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Ouch, I have a dick and the thought of that hurt. So, is there any way we can get you hired as Palin's assistant or anything? You could act dumber than shit while deep cover and then operation "burn the hell barn down" could begin…think about all the people who'd benefit from your service.

        1. Barb

          P-Dog, I was just reading Sarah's twitter stuff and she seems to have a bunch of followers who think that she is actually running for something. One funny dude is CoolChange80 who has almost twenty-eight THOUSAND pro-Sarah tweets. Funny thing is that she doesn't follow him back. Tweets ain't $$$.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Take pictures I yourself fucking all his friends and male family. Upload to Facebook, tag him and let the hilarity ensue!

  10. Mumbletypeg

    expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!

    I think you secretly wanted "blah" instead, deep down, Amber. Do try blah on for size. You might be delightfully surprised!

  11. MissTaken

    2. This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.

    This is funny because your husband is obviously a fucking idiot! Curveballs?! Hahaha! Enjoy all the sexytime you will not be getting after doing this!

    1. Billmatic

      This is more like things to confuse and frustrate the mentally challenged.

      For shame!

    2. Generation[redacted]

      Dick Cheney once brought Bush a box of Curveballs and we found ourselves in Iraq for the next 8 years.

      1. MissTaken

        That was the best prank evah! I get orgasms just hearing the words 'weapons of mass destruction'. Yup, just had another!

    3. bobbert

      I think you'd get better results with cedar cheese and cakes we like.

      Not good results, but better.

    4. Baconzgood

      Yeah. Cause in all my (redacted) years I've never shopped in a grocery store. That's womans work.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        What's wrong with you?! It's always right there next to the circumcised weiners!

    5. Chichikovovich

      When I worked on the pipeline, it was standard to tell the new workers to go ask the boss where the striped paint is. Or for a bucket of steam. As far as I can tell, nobody ever fell for it. Ever. From the dawn of civilization, when prehistoric humans first learned how to put things in big, long ditches.

      And it's a good thing there was nobody who fell for it, since you don't want a drooling simpleton operating heavy machinery in your blind spot.

        1. PsycWench

          A coastguard friend says it was lambasting newbies for not reporting the B1rds or GU11s.

    6. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      whoops…I said the R-word. Uh, lady I am a "sportsguy" (recovering) and if my wife or girlfriend or even the woman I'm currently fucking asked me for a box of curveballs….I wouldn't laugh and definitely wouldn't fall for it. I'd figure A) she's a moron or B) she doesn't understand baseball. C) the Palin conclusion would follow with a CATscan…point is, it wouldn't enhance the sexy time it would actually uh…r*tard it by giving me the idea you're a fucking idiot…not cute.

      1. UW8316154

        If you're married, have a girlfriend, and a third that you're fucking on the side ALL AT THE SAME TIME, a tip of my hat to you, dear sir. Now that is impressive.

        1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

          haha…well I did once have a married woman who was kind of a girlfriend that I was fucking…more than once if you get my meaning. I wish I had those kinds of skills…but I suppose I need to get married before I can carry out that sort of plan…

  12. SayItWithWookies

    11. Tell everyone in the country that some tinpot dictator is hiding massive quantities of nerve gas and biological weapons all over his country, and that invading it and liberating its citizens will pay for itself and you'll be heroes all over the world.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      That was sooooo fucking hilarious. Especially all those Iraqis who didn't know what the fuck hit them and the US Amercian soldiers who lost limbs/minds/buddies/etc let alone the money spent on it. Worth every penny and drop of blood.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      That's what she said – a box of Curveballs for your sports-inclined President.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Ahmad Chalabi in all the old familiar places —
        Dodging IEDs between the Tigris and Euphrates…

  13. Callyson

    Though she does bear some resemblance to the babe in the ad for "Mutually Beneficial Arrangements." Coincidence? I don't think so!

  14. HempDogbane

    I'm going to crib some stuff from HiLights for Children and the Sandusky Report and make my own article. Spicy !

  15. MissTaken

    Alex

    When your husband comes home pretend you don't know who he is a la Total Recall, then kick him in the nuts and scream for the police. When the police arrive accuse him of assault. Once you bail him out be prepared for THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE.

    I like Alex.

    1. emmelemm

      That is a good one. And timely, with the Total Recall remake coming out soon.

      Colin Farrell! FAP!

  16. Baconzgood

    Those pranks suck. Now if you want some prank ideas come to good ol' Baconzgood office when he's bored or doesn't like a certain co-worker. Prank gold mine.

      1. Baconzgood

        This I've done before and I'm letting you have it. Use it wisely friend. If you're ever house sitting for a friend . Crank up the AC to max. Close all vents except the one in the bathroom. Make jello (I find blue is the best for obvious reasons). Pour jello slowly into shitter. Close bathroom and wait for friend to return. Then laugh and laugh and laugh.

        1. real_dc_native

          A friend of mine made a bathtub full of green Jello at somebody's house during a party. They didn't think is was so funny and we were never invited to their parties again ;-(

    1. UnholyMoses

      After reading of your other exploits, I built a little bacon shrine in your honor and bow down before greatness.

      The most I ever did was help fill a pot-dealing guy's frat house room to the brim with a smoke machine, crack the window and, while said guy was hanging out on the front porch utterly blitzed, scream, "BOB!! FIRE IN YOUR ROOM!!"

      Never seen anyone go up 3 flights of stairs that fast. Not before, and not since.

  17. edgydrifter

    These would be great if I wanted to "spice up" my relationship with an eight-year-old boy. Did Amber rip these straight from the Jerry Sandusky playbook?

  18. bibliotequetress

    #8 Get together with pals, force hubby on floor, and cut his hair while calling him "queer."

    What? That's not funny?

  19. Come here a minute

    Children's magazine? I don't know what you're talking about. I get all my politics news from Wonkette and my business news from Cracked.

  20. widestanceromance

    Amber Milt as a professional name works better than Yellowy Fish Jizz. Classy-like and shit.

  21. Hammiepants

    This is the kind of chick that would come up behind her old man at the breakfast table when he has a hangover, put her hands over his eyes and say "Guess Who?" in a loud, cheery voice. Don't be surprised when you hear she got beaten to death by him with the toaster.

  22. WhatTheHeck

    I see some photoshop retoucher enhanced her… personality.
    That’s a neat trick to play.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        1st pic: She's showing off her face eating skills.
        2nd pic: Furry convention?
        3rd pic: He's totally checking out her rack.

    1. PsycWench

      I assume it has a lot of pictures and not so many of the long difficult words, like "empathy" or "humanitarian".

    2. Barb

      Fox News has a magazine. They just don't have a coloring book. The crayons would be all white and how could you tell if you colored in a picture or not?

  23. PuckStopsHere

    Here's a clever prank you can pull on the entire country: Nominate Mitt Romney to run for President.

  24. Fairtackle

    Amber comes home from a long day at work and her boyfriend is in the hallway with his bags packed.
    Amber – What is going on? Are you leaving?
    BF – Yes, I can't be with you anymore. I heard you were a pedophile.
    Amber – Pedophile huh, pretty big word for a 12 year old.

    badabum

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Guy comes home from work and his wife says "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery."

      Guy says "Great! For the mountains or the beach?"

      Wife says "I don't care – just get the Hell out."

  25. Estproph

    Milt: the seminal fluid of fish, mollusks, and certain other water-dwelling animals who reproduce by spraying this fluid, which contains the sperm, onto roe (fish eggs).

  26. OldWhiteLies

    Oh yeah. So after knowing my spouse for over 25 years, and being married almost 23 years – this same caring, loving and indulgent human being whom for some unfathomable reason has put up with me for all this time – so I now need to "spice" things up in our relationship by employing grade-school level tee-hees. Cause that's sure to get me some sexytime points on the board.

    Ayup.

    Anope.

    1. MittBorg

      Adope. She is.

      I mean, jeez, when you've been making sexytime with someone for a few decades and y'all REALLY love each other, the sex just keeps getting *better.* It doesn't NEED "spicing up." I guess she must not be getting any.

  27. Fare la Volpe

    8. Tell him your twin sister totally wants to have a threeway with him and that you're absolutely cool with it. Make sure to tell him to show up at your secret rendezvous place completely naked! When he arrives and starts jerking off, turn on the lights and reveal that it's actually his niece's 8th birthday party! SURPRISE!!

    He'll get 15 to 20, and you'll finally have some peace and fucking quiet. BONUS: Nothing spices up a bland sex life like conjugal visits!

    1. UW8316154

      Don't forget the phone sex over the recorded prison lines – since it's a collect call
      , it's $1.95 a minute, just like old times!

    1. Barb

      Give her a few years at Fox and she will look more like a sperm whale. I could totally see this woman with a thermos full of vodka in her office bathroom.

  28. Not_So_Much

    No shaving cream in the face? No hand in the warm water to make him pee the bed? I'm beginning to think she doesn't know much about sex.

    1. bonghitforjesus

      I know, right? I was so happy to see his name on the Cracked article! Seanbaby is an internet treasure.

  29. Baconzgood

    Here is a way to "spice things up" dyke it up with two other broads in front of him. Just sayin'

    1. UW8316154

      I was kind of thinking along the same lines, myself. She had me going on the "twin sister" setup – Doublemint, anyone? – but the follow through lacked imagination.

  30. fartknocker

    Send your hubby to South Texas with Dick Cheney, loaded shotguns and ask him to bring home some duck meat. Secretly remove the tweezers from his toiletry bag so he'll be forced to remove buckshot from his face with rusty, old pliers.

  31. Generation[redacted]

    Reminds me of some great office pranks we used to pull.

    Take a dump on the floor. Tell your coworkers it's the fake plastic kind you bought at a joke shop, and when someone tries to pick it up, point and laugh.

    Come running out of the bathroom with your dick hanging out and pee spraying everywhere, screaming, "It won't stop! God help me it won't stop!" When it finally stops, look down and say, "Oh."

    Hilarity!

    1. Tundra Grifter

      My very first job out of college was in an insurance office in downtown San Francisco.

      One of the nice ladies told me they had cancelled future Christmas parties after the last gift exchange featured one lucky guy opening a box of poop.

      "And it weren't no dog poop, either!"

      1. gullywompr

        De rien. For large p-ness, it's essential that your comment be at the top of page one, or at the bottom. Location, location, location.

  32. valthemus

    Dressed as a police officer, go to Amber's office and tell her, "Under the Affordable Care Act plagiarism is a capital offense!" Lead her away in handcuffs (hopefully, she will be crying), put her in the trunk of your car. Drive she-who-has-a-porn-star-name to the middle of nowhere and leave her there (still in cuffs). A guaranteed knee-slapper!

  33. hagajim

    Tell him you're ready to do anal and when he comes into the bedroom whip out your dildo and gun and yell at him to bend over – won't he be surprised!

    1. rickmaci

      While you're giving him a BJ, look up and ask, "Why does your dick smell like my sisters' lipstick?"

  34. Estproph

    "Amber Milt is the Style & Beauty Editor and celebrity correspondent for Fox News Magazine.

    In addition to getting the latest scoop on your favorite celebs, her mission is to seek out the best (and cheapest) beauty tips and trends in hopes of changing the world "one makeover at a time."

    A native New Yorker, she currently lives with her fiancé — an unappreciative but understanding subject for her beauty and styling experiments."

  35. owhatever

    Nice to see the IQ at Fox climbing for a change. She can have brown hair because she's not TV.

  36. Rotundo_

    We probably shouldn't be too critical. When she arrived at FOX all bright eyed and innocent she probably had a functioning brain and a soul. Years of being stuck with the apparent result of combining Ted Baxter and Rush Limbaughs DNA and raising it into adulthood (after great amounts of abuse and trauma) as co workers probably brought her to this lowly state. Imagine having to share space with Steve Doocey for a few years and imagine how much your intellect and emotional sense of well being would suffer.

  37. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I like these salt mines. Even though I'm married and not gay, I'd gay marry these salt mines… you guys are my relationship therapy *sniff*

    (because I can laugh at the computer, instead of watching more teevee, IYKWIS)

  38. Beowoof

    Once again evidence that for a woman to work at Fox, does not require any talent except blowing Roger Ailes.

    1. HarryButtle

      Now pull it again…and again…and again…and again…and here comes your BIG surprise!

  39. Goonemeritus

    As a traditionalist I’m sticking with inviting a hooker dressed like the comic charcater the Leather Nun .

  40. MissTaken

    Ah goodie, children's pranks to play for sexytime. From the Sandusky Guide to Erotica.

  41. rickmaci

    If you must post a profile pic of a FuxNews bimbette, at least use one that shows side boob.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      After looking at that photo, she has more side boob than many others have front.

  42. SorosBot

    11. Get yourself knocked up by another guy, preferably someone with whom it will be obvious the kid is not his. Hi-larious!

    1. Baconzgood

      I know. Those lame pranks are a snark black hole. Stay away from the event horizon of not funny lameness Toomush.

  43. LakeAfflicted

    Sad fact: she was in my graduating class in college. Sadder fact: it was a pretty good college.

    1. SorosBot

      It could be worse; I went to college with Tucker fucking Max. And yes, he's as much of a douche in real life.

      1. LakeAfflicted

        You are right. That is worse.
        But I'm thinking that marrying Amber Milt to Tucker Max would be sort of a good idea, like when you put the kitty litter into the expired cough suspension before disposal.

      2. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        You poor bastard. I'm trying to work out whether that's worse than going to college with Tucker Carlson and can't decide.

      3. Negropolis

        I love the cover shot of one of his books where it looks like he's taking a mugshot, and then a picture comes out showing him standing on a cushion. Even that was fake. lol

  44. barto

    12. Before he gets home from work, tell the children he just died from a massive coronary. Good times!

    1. MissTaken

      Tell the kids that if dad comes home he's really a zombie and you have to bash him in the head or he'll eat your brains. Fun for the whole family!

      1. SorosBot

        Or he's a vampire and they have either drive a wooden stake through his heart or set him on fire – great fun!

  45. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Holy crap! Fox employs a non-blonde woman!?!? This is worth at least 2 drudge sirens.

    1. Baconzgood

      I say it all the time (with the exception of the blonds here on wonkette) if you want smart and funny go brunette.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Granted, there's the Palin wig exception, which nicely dovetails with the hookworm conjecture.

  46. b[redact]opple

    OK, so if I don't want a Republican to secretly put up a live webstream of me taking a dump, that means I am "shy." Got it.

  47. BarackMyWorld

    If any of this shit actually seems to work on Amber Milt's significant other, I'm pretty sure he's really just playing along because she's attractive and he still likes fucking her enough to not want to piss her off too badly.

    1. CountryClubJihadi

      She'll know when he's done playing along. He'll replace her Summer's Eve with Diet Coke & Mentos.

      1. SorosBot

        Or he might pull the absolutely hilarious poke-a-hole-in-the-condom prank. "You missed you period, honey? Ha-ha, pranked you!"

    2. Baconzgood

      I don't know man sex can only take you so far before one sais " Jesus it just ain't worth it"

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      " . . . because she's attractive and he still likes fucking her enough to not want to piss her off too badly."

      Yeah, but how does he get rid of the feeling that he's screwing a wildly overdeveloped 8-year-old?

  48. Troglodeity

    2. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work.

    Honey, you do realize he's laughing at you, not with you, right?

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Ask your guy to go to the local farm supply store and buy 2 tons of ammonium nitrate. Have him insist that they load it into the back of his rented U-Haul truck. As part of the gag, be sure to have him pay in cash and carry a copy of the Koran. Tell him to pretend to have a middle eastern accent and ask the clerk for directions to Washington, DC.

  49. coolhandnuke

    11.Replace his boner pills with saltpeter tablets. Show him bogus news article that connects NASCAR and Fox News viewing with impotence and latent homosexual cravings.

  50. Exhausted66

    Take your unbelievable bust-to-waist ration and crouch naked by his antique roadster.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Poor girl needs that MBA really bad – she still can't afford any clothes!

      ————————->

  51. smokefilledroommate

    14. Gals, take a demure lady dump in the back pocket of his work slacks. He'll never realize he's the one at the office who stinks!
    You two will be making hot smelly whoopee in no time!

    1. kittensdontlie

      Sweet mother…my heart is pounding like a bullfrog in heat of a long summer day.

  52. RadioSlut

    15. Tie him up and tell him you want to do the long fantasized anal. Then take a shit in his mouth. Put a toothbrush just out of his reach and say, "How's that for a Mutually Beneficial Arrangement?"

  53. mull_man

    I overheard these from some half-wit in Texas:

    1. Stay drunk for several decades. Sober up and get 5 of your dad's friends to make you President.
    2. Wait for a terrorist to threaten to fly planes into tall buildings. Go on vacation
    3. Tell some dirt poor country to hand over some terrorist or you'll invade. Wait for them to offer him up, then invade anyway.
    4. Tell a pathological liar of a dictator who's country's airspace you've been flying over for 10 years to allow inspectors into his country or you'll invade. Wait for inspectors to return. Invade anyway.
    5. Give a massive tax cut to the rich. Wait for the economy to crater then blame the poor.
    6. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Fly over it.
    7. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Send your mom to tell the refugees sleeping on cots in a high school gym that they've never had it so good.
    8. Create a massive entitlement program that is really a give-away to big pharma. Call your opponents fiscally irresponsible.
    9. Collect millions in campaign contributions from your criminal friends. Pretend not to know them when they get arrested.
    10. Choke on a pretzel. Survive.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      11. Have an amoral vice president with a soul made of pure hatred. Take his advice at all times.
      12. Have your campaign manager dig up a load of fake veterans and smear the shit out of your war hero opponent.
      13. Do an excellent impression of a shaven chimpanzee. Combine it with a sneering, patrician yet pig-ignorant vocal delivery which makes people want to smack your face in with a shovel.
      14. Claim you've won a war then spend another trillion dollars on it. Bonus points for blowing up barefoot brown kids.
      15. Say that social security should be privatized just before the economy collapses.
      16. Take a budget surplus and squander the fuck out of it with bullshit.
      17. Change "we'll get him dead or alive" to "I don't think about that guy any more". Hope nobody notices.
      18. Do great work on AIDS and malaria in Africa. Ignore the povertons in your own country – they probably deserve it.
      19. Let The Eagle Soar. Enough said.
      20. Do a backroom oil deal with the Taliban. Then, after some buildings get blown to fuck because you ignored some crucial intelligence, bomb the bejesus out of them.

        1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          22. Not that you would anyway because you think "intellectual curiosity" is the name of a banjo-based popular beat combo.

      1. UnholyMoses

        14. Claim you've won a war then spend another trillion dollars on it. Bonus points for blowing up barefoot brown kids.

        Feature, not bug.

    2. valthemus

      "7. Wait for a major US city to be submerged in 12 feet of water. Send your mom to tell the refugees sleeping on cots in a high school gym that they've never had it so good."

      To this day I can't think of a suitable response to this occurrence that won't put me on some kind of Secret Service watch list.

      1. PsycWench

        7a: Have wing nuts pass around pictures of several dozen school buses that should have been used to remove thousands of people to an unknown remote destination without refueling.

  54. johnnyzhivago

    Buy about 30 used weather balloons on Ebay and fill them all up with helium. Get hubby totally drunk and tell him to relax in the new lawn chair you just bought him. When he falls asleep, attach the balloons to the chair and let them go. Call the local FAA office and police and tell them someone screaming "Jihad" and "I have explosives" just went up into the air in a home made balloon. Be sure to hit "RECORD" on CNN so hubby can re-live that night's hijinks!!!!

  55. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I know Faux is appealing to the lowest common denominator, but really … is it THAT low?

  56. comrad_darkness

    Clearly slaving Wonkette editors missed fox journalism class on "sleeping your way to the top"

      1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Would that I could take credit, but I believe our friend Negropolis is referring to the piss-taking in the comments on the fox magazine site.

        1. Barb

          Sorry Fukui, I thought he was talking about the comments here. I've seen some really highly rated p-point comments in this thread and they are hilarious.

    1. Negropolis

      I was originally talking about the coments on the article at the magazine, but then I read through this thread and my comment applies equally if not more so. Rarely have I laughed this hard.

      1. Barb

        The hair and makeup team must have to set their airbrush guns to STUN to have to cover this bitch's black eyes.

  57. Buckminster

    What happened in Slowville? I work in a town of 30,000 and I would NEVER stoop to this kind of stoopid!

    1. ExtemporAmber

      I'M AMBER MILT!

      Bwaaahahahaha!!

      Admit it — I totally got ya, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!

      Alright now…who's in the mood for some dry humping and a desultory handjob?

        1. ExtemporAmber

          Oh, are you feeling Fiskar-y, too? Well then, good news!

          As it says on my box: "Tribbed for her pleasure."

          1. Barb

            You are the funniest, most amusing, most intelligent person I've EVER come across. Your humor makes me think and when the joke hits my funny bone it is more satisfying than a Thanksgiving dinner. Fuck the obvious pun reference, you make my brain work and that is what I look for in a person of interest.

            You and I would instantly meld together at a party, have a torrid romance and then think of clever ways to kill one another. I would be amused even if you killed me first.

          2. ExtemporAmber

            You'll always #OccupyAnus, All-Growed-Up-Now-Smokin'-Babe, if for no other reason than you — and you alone — once championed my fate when all others wrote me off as lost.

          3. ExtemporAmber

            To be fair, my limbs are nowhere near that thin. My patience, on the other hand…

          4. ExtemporAmber

            I was seconds away from just cold hittin' "Submit" on my delicious fist-lickin' turducken of a reply when I decided to refresh for some reason and caught your ominous most recent comment.

            Not knowing whether or not anything that I'd intended to serve up would now be in poor taste, I'll simply say this: Make those two weeks count, and try not to spoil your appetite because there'll still be leftovers in the fridge when you return.

          5. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            I'm terribly sorry to hear that, Barb. My best wishes and you'll be in my thoughts.

          6. redarmyzombie

            I'm sorry to hear about that, Barb. I hope whatever it is turns out for the best.

            Vaya con Dios, buena senora.

  58. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    OT: irrational anger

    The BBC has an article about lemurs being endangered. They have a picture of a Sifaka.

    Now, strictly that's a lemur, but it's of the family Indriidae not Lemuridae. Clue is in the name, cunts.

    It annoys me like when people call chimps monkeys rather than apes.

    Reckon I'm autistic or something :/

  59. vodkamuppet

    Way OT: have you ever accidently read a YouTube comment thread and wanted to jump out of a window?

  60. Chet Kincaid

    OT: "Wonkville" is fucked because it defaults to the "Hot" tab, which is also first in order. Apparently a lot of us are too clueless to click on "Newest". Therefore nobody will ever learn anything except that Obama is a Pakistani spy. Obvious fixes, please?

    1. not that Dewey

      I asked Rebecca to do something about this. Like let the rankings expire after a couple days, or something. She didn't seem interested. You think I'm not tired of looking at that Pakistani Spy bullshit? I even asked chascates to pull it down. Nothing.

  61. Tundra Grifter

    I think it was a mistake for Tom to give Katie that subscription to Fox News Magazine.

  62. docterry6973

    I avoid thinking about "THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE'. Some concepts are too sad to ponder.

  63. thefrontpage

    FUNNY JOURNALISM PRANKS

    BY AMBER MILT

    From The Journal of Plagiarism, Columbia School of Journalsm

    1. Write a lame "article" about pranks to pull on your hapless husband.

    2. Steal it from someone else, without attribution.

    3. Put your own name on it.

    Won't your editors–and your husband–be surprised! Not only will you have great sex at home, because you husband will love you for stealing from someone else, giving you a journalistic "bad girl" vibe, your editor will also love you for being creative and for saving time, money and resources in the newsroom!

    –Amber "Jason Blair" Milt.
    The Journal of Plagiarism
    Columbia School of Journalism

  64. Generation[redacted]

    I'd still do her. But I wouldn't pick up anything off the floor, or read any shopping list she gave me.

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