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Sarah Palin Demands Head-Exploding Orgasms From Mitt Romney, Will Not Get Them

If it caught on fire the fumes would suffocate us allNow that Mitt Romney seems to have the Republican nomination wrapped up (although who knows, maybe he’ll be going to jail for lying on his resume), we need to know what Sarah Palin thinks of him. Ex White House deputy Press secretary Bill Burton is very curious about why Sarah Palin hasn’t endorsed Mitt yet. Are you curious? Enh, probably not, but that hasn’t stopped Sarah Palin from explaining what it is that she, and by extension the Republican base and independents (who she seems to think are the same people?), really need: for him to be “courageous and bold and passionate” and “light our hair on fire”. Is this a sex thing? Normally we’d say “yes,” because we’re crass like that, but Mitt Romney is surrounded by a powerful anti-erotic forcefield from which no cheap sex joke can escape.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t try! Here, here is a terrible and loathsome ad for some line of Trojan-branded “massager”, where ladies keep saying it’ll “blow your hair back,” as if that’s a thing humans say:

This is what your Editrix showed your Comics Curmudgeon in the Wonkette Secret Chat room when the phrase “light our hair on fire” was mentioned, which will serve as evidence in the sexual harassment suit currently being prepared. Also, former counter-terrorism head Richard Clarke said that George W. Bush’s spymasters were running around with their hair on fire in the summer of 2001 trying and failing to get the administration’s attention about al-Qaeda, so maybe Sarah Palin is demanding that Mitt Romney stop terrorism, forever?

But anyway, here are the word-noises Sarah Palin made to Sean Hannity about the presumptive nominee:

“He’s already got the right message,” the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee told Fox News’ Sean Hannity Tuesday.

But Palin added, “There are a lot of his base supporters — independents — who are saying, well, light our hair on fire, then! Remind us how important it is that we get engaged in the presidential election because it is the election of our lifetime.”

The Fox News contributor encouraged the former Massachusetts governor to be more “courageous and bold and passionate” in presenting his case.

In other words, Sarah Palin is totally fine with the standard-issue establishment GOP party line policies espoused by Mitt Romney, but she wishes he were being much more of a dick about promoting them, which sounds about right. [Newsmax]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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208 comments

  1. Barb

    Sarah and the rest of the Palin girls had to light their hair on fire to get rid of the pubic lice. I recommend a second sweep with an ice pick.

      1. RevJuanMessycan

        Because she thought they were "public" and she don' want no soshulesm. (If it's not on her hand, she can't read it.) She wants them all to herself, like a good (?) grifter.

    1. metamarcisf

      Sarah and Todd were very upset over an Alaska health initiative to rid the state of headlice. They were afraid they'd get in trouble for driving their snowmobiles after dark.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      First Commenter Barb does it again. Seriously, shouldn't you change your screen name to that?

      1. Barb

        This is a list of the Wonkette stories today, followed by the name of the first poster:

        Nail Girls-thatsitfortheother1
        Rick Perry’s Mansion-Actor212
        Hot Houston…ChernobylSoup
        Biden Live Blog-Barb
        Left Bain….DumbedUp
        Florida Lesbian-SuperDave
        Mitt Romney v Black People-Drunk Irishman
        Underwater German-Barb
        Dick Cheney to Shoot….NounVerb911
        Radio Wits-Actor212
        Sarah Palin Demands-Barb
        Fox News Magazine-NounVerb911
        —————————————–
        Twelve stories and I was first three times.

        1. wondering where i am

          Hot Houston-Chernobyl Soup. Isn't that the soup of the say at Applebees on Fridays? Florida Lesbian Super Dave sounds cool, though.

          1. Barb

            Yes, it does, Wondering. It totally sounds like the lunch menu at some fern bar T.J. O'Pootin' Toot's menu.

        2. Boojum

          Well, that proves it, eh? The Power of Three!

          But, see, Barb, you can never be more than second, because Becca has stolen our hearts away.

          I think she is studying them to work out a way to defeat Lord Cheney's evil, but they are stolen nonetheless.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Gov. George Romney in 1967, answering the question why did he release 12 years' of Federal income tax returns, "One year could be a fluke, perhaps done for show."

      "Vanity Fair," August 2012.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Seriously, my guess is that he is hoping she'll eventually forget that there's an election at all.

  2. Callyson

    Palin added, “There are a lot of his base supporters — independents — who are saying, well, light our hair on fire, then! Remind us how important it is that we get engaged in the presidential election because it is the election of our lifetime.”

    I thought the wingnuts' talking point was all about how they were going to win in November because they are so energized? Sounds like someone is losing her touch…

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Duh Gov' is just phoning it in. When you try to listen to what she says, it has no relation to the news of the day. She could have said it three months ago, and she will be saying it three months from now.

  3. Barb

    Sarah, your pants have been on fire for so long that I can't believe it hasn't reached your hair yet.

    1. James Michael Curley

      And Charleton Heston spends several tedious minutes talking to a burning bush.

  4. Crank_Tango

    Needs moar…oh who am I kidding, I don't watch anything that bitch ever does. Nice hair tho. It's like donald trump's wig fucked sasquatch. Goonie goo goo, gus.

    1. WunkRocker

      That husbian in the Dildo commercial is totally going to put all 3 up his buttercup.

  5. LastGasp

    Am I curious what Sarah Palin has to say? No, of course not.

    Would I like to see Mitt's supporters with their hair on fire? Yes, I most certainly would!

  6. Generation[redacted]

    "Light our hair on fire! Or at least hold us down and take some scissors to it!"

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Do we know for a fact that Mitt hasn't already held some poor kid down and lighted his hair on fire?

      You'd think Republicans would be just a little more cautious about using the words "hair" and "Mitt Romney" in the same sentence.

  7. randcoolcatdaddy

    Is Sarah implying that our beloved Mittens is lacking in personality, wit, and passion?

    What gave her that idea?

    1. Boojum

      Or, rather, who? Sarah likes her ideas carefully packaged, or she gets bored and wanders away looking for cotton candy trees.

  8. Troglodeity

    Be bold, Mitt: Remember how bold and innovative you were at 39, when you unhesitatingly strapped your diarrhetic dog to the roof of your car in a homemade airtight container! Be that way, only this time it's the American public with the shits!

  9. coolhandnuke

    Mitt Romney is the Trojan Nuclear Plant of erotic forcefields.

    *It was blown to smithereeens in 2006.

  10. Nostrildamus

    Sarah should watch Bristol's reality show. It makes me want to light my hair on fire.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      This is why God, in all Her wisdom, invented the remote control. I teach Sunday School, so I know.

  11. PB Goodfriend

    Mitt is proof that to be sexy – even metaphorically – you need more than a cutting jawline and great hair. In fact, it's like someone took that presidential looking head and put it on the Tin Man. Or is it the Scarecrow? He's lacking in so many departments.
    His charisma is more like charis-meh.

  12. Baconzgood

    Jebus every presidential election is the "election of our lifetime," for these twits!

  13. GorzoTheMighty

    Lost me at "Sarah Palin demands head". Now must clean keyboard of vomit. Thanks

  14. SmutBoffin

    Sarah Palin is not privy to any insider-y Republican information.
    Sarah Palin does not know anything about policy: foreign, domestic, economic, defense, &c.
    Sarah Palin does not know anything about politics: how to mobilize your personnel and prospective voters effectively in order to enact your policies
    Sarah Palin has no expertise in interpreting any of the above
    Sarah Palin cannot speak the English language
    Sarah Palin smells like moose-balls

    Feel free to add more facts about this important and respected pundit below!

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Hell, she adds conjuntions like they were going out of style so…sure, conject away.

        1. montreal_bruin

          There's the well-known "Palin Hookworm conjecture". I've read about it on the internet so it must be true, and no-one in her family has ever denied it . . .

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Sarah Palin punches herself in the head to jumble up her wordy thoughts right before she goes on camera.

  15. SoBeach

    When Mitt tries to look bold, courageous, and passionate all he looks is silly. And he reminds people he's none of those things.

    1. TootsStansbury

      He looks like a raving lunatic. His eyes bug out and something predatory happens around his mouth and he slobbers.

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Why do people ask for her opinion?
    I think a conversation with a fire hydrant would be more intellectually stimulating.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "I think a conversation with a fire hydrant would be more intellectually stimulating."

      Yeah, sure, if you could find one that Bristol or Willow weren't riding like a Levi.

    2. YasserArraFeck

      You'll notice that the only people who ask her opinion are Fox News pundits, who know she can be relied upon to blather the party line, albeit incomprehensibly. Bear in mind that the knuckle-draggers who suck this shit up don't actually need to hear coherent sentences, just the requisite buzz-words and phrases, regardless of order or sentence structure – for example, "Kenyan", "Obamacare", "Socialist" "Liberties" "Fascist" etc etc

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Speaking of anti-erotic forcefields, what the hell is going on with Palin's hair? I can only imagine it's trying to escape so it can search for a head with a brain inside.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh dear — does she get her wardrobe from the dumpster behind the halfway house for tranny hookers?

    1. FakaktaSouth

      It looks exactly like the wigs girls wear here for cotillion and other such fetes where gals don hoopskirts and petticoats – it's also a massive lady boner killer. I can't speak for the guys but this whole thing is just ruining my afternoon wanna be naked time.

  18. HarryButtle

    You had me at "Sarah Palin's…head explodes"

    OK, I paraphrased…but I enjoyed the article I made up in my head much more than I did the actual piece in which dimwitted Sarah acted dimwitted.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      For some reason this reminds me of a story my friend once made up whilst playing the piano. It was about a young boy who made friends with a lobster. It was quite a lovely story. It ended when the boy realized that it was not fair to the lobster to keep him from his home, so he walked into the forest and threw the lobster into a tree.

      I did not realize it at the time, but my friend was talking about a Palin.

        1. emmelemm

          I could only manage "something something Michael Jackson" above. My brain is a little shot.

          1. emmelemm

            I'm on the West Coast (heeeyyyy!), so it's only 2:00, and I'm thinking I'm going to leave early and have nap o'clock soon.

  19. Estproph

    Phrases Palin refused in favor of "light our hair on fire" to describe exciting the base:

    "Smash our toes with a sledgehammer"

    "Take a chainsaw to our vaginas"

    "Shove his hand down our throats with a sandpaper glove"

    "File down our teeth with a Dremel"

    "Break our kneecaps with a Louisville Slugger"

  20. marconidarwin

    well, light our hair on fire, then!

    Just this once, I want Obama to open drilling in Alaskistan so that we can be sure that there is enough lighter fluid.

  21. widestanceromance

    Does she make that wig ride on the top of her vehicle (none of that is a euphemism for anything else)?

  22. johnnyzhivago

    Patriots still hold out hope for an open convention so they can crown their queen Bee Sarah, mate with her and then go on to lose in a landslide.

    1. NellCote71

      God, I would pay to make that happen. Would it be too much to hope for a Palin-Paul ticket at a brokered convention?

  23. YouBetcha

    You just know this blind item is about her. http://www.nationalenquirer.com/guess-who/which-l
    "THIS prominent lady politico is frantic to keep news of her recent tummy tuck and liposuction procedures out of the media. The conservative mom wants her fans to believe she’s all natural and stays trim by exercising daily! Can you name her?"

    I think I speak for all of us when I say, "SHOW US YOUR TITS!"

    1. Gleem McShineys

      If it hadn't mention "mom" I would have gone with Ann Coulter, getting a little you know, trouser tuck.

  24. coolhandnuke

    Since $arah believes fire has only been around for 3,000 years, it fits Mitt here, because it seems like he's been running for President for 3,000 years.

  25. MissTaken

    There are a lot of his base supporters — independents — who are saying, well, light our hair on fire, then!

    Can't she just use her daughter's baby daddy's mother's meth lab for hair explosions and leave the rest of us alone?

  26. bibliotequetress

    If I were rockin' that Marilyn Quayle 'do Sarah's got, I'd want my head set on fire, too.

    WHO'S THE SEXY LIBRARIAN NOW, BITCH!

    1. kittensdontlie

      What about a good ol' fashioned book burning, tossing in that thing on Palin's head(which may be a long-haired muskrat,…and possibly still alive), attached or not?! Yea, just thinking out loud here…

      1. bibliotequetress

        Hmmm, I like the way you brainstorm. After all, if she's not a witch, she won't burn.

        1. kittensdontlie

          Funny. Or a true conservative, if the books providing our flame are from Beck, Coulter, Rand…

  27. YouBetcha

    She means, "He needs to set this bad wig on fire," right? That is not human hair on her head.

  28. gullywompr

    "Sarah Palin Demands Head-Exploding Orgasms From Mitt Romney"

    Who? And too also – who?

  29. sbj1964

    Yes, how scared will the Terrorist be of President Mittens? Abdul,will be shaking in his turban as Mitt rolls up to him on his Mormon 10 speed bike with a leaflet.

  30. imissopus

    I'd say something about Sarah Palin but my brain is too busy with that Trojan vibrator commercial. Love the dude's reaction at the end: "I cannot pleasure my fiance and she is dissatisfied with our lovemaking, so three of her friends gave her battery-operated machines that can do it for me? SWEET!"

  31. JustPixelz

    Maybe she'll get her wish after the media is through vetting him. Except I think she's against vetting for white men, in favor for blah men, against it for women, except ones named Michelle (two Ls).

  32. Walkinwiddaking

    “light our hair on fire”. Is this a sex thing? If a shag rug is involved, count me in.

  33. JackObin

    Just when I thought I wasn't going to hear from an irrelevent community college dropout, up pops the Alaskan halfwit. Thank ya jesus.

    1. HedonismBot

      Her mind has a half-life, like uranium. Each "half" gets successively smaller and smaller, so on ad infinitum. So yeah, she'll keep going forever and ever, all the while getting dumber and dumber.

  34. DustBowlBlues

    That shade of lipstick has to go, plus whoever does her makeup for her onscreen appearances (what are they paying her now, anyway? All the moose she can shoot?) should rethink the overuse of gloss.

  35. Preacher_Griz

    What lights my hair on fire is CEO GOV Mitt Romney telling all the NCAAP baby mama negroes at once that they are freeloaders and that it is time to step off the freeloading allahbama bus and get on the Conservative Christian Party of Self-Responsibility

  36. LetUsBray

    I will totally vote for Willard if he'll light Grifterella's hair on fire!

    (Actually I won't, but please, don't anyone tell him until after.)

  37. owhatever

    We can't get the Republican base too excited, or they will forget to take their pills and die, and that would be a real shame. Burning blue hair causes the same reaction. Also.

  38. Halloween Jack

    Piper's writing all her lines these days. She has Mommy trained with a double bump of meth to get her up for the backyard studio sessions and a mickey of cheap rum afterwards.

  39. labman57

    Well, since so many conservative pundits and bloggers already have their pants on fire, if Mitt complies, they can boast that they’re burning the candle at both ends.

  40. iburl

    Hair on Fire? Why didn't Mitt think of that when he was tackling effeminate men in High School and cutting their hair?

  41. viennawoods13

    Hmmm… "the election of our lifetime.” Sarah won't endorse the presumptive nominee. And yet… how COULD an election possibly be THE most important without the most qualified half-governor ever as candidate???

    I smell floor fight!

  42. OneYieldRegular

    "There are a lot of his base supporters – independents – who are saying, 'Well, hold us down and cut our hair off with garden shears! We deserve it! Remind us how important it is for us to get traumatized for this presidential election, because it's the election of your lifetime, and you don't want waste a good chance to bully some lackadaisical uncommitted longhairs into voting for you!'"

  43. Gleem McShineys

    I loved that movie! Oh wait, I thought that was a still shot of Darth Helmet from Spaceballs.

  44. telecustom1972

    I still think ashe looks like the youngest sister of the deceased at a Baptist funeral.

  45. Schmegeg

    Remember hen lots of wingers thought this broad was a Hotty? Now she looks like the scary substitute you had one week in second grade.

  46. Antispandex

    Wait, I thought the FIRST time that, "that awful negro", ran for President (against the Republican war hero) was the election of our lifetime. Is it going to be like this every time someone runs against a rich white guy, who isn't a rich white guy?

  47. moseyon

    Does she want this for the Republicans, or for all the Country.
    Well I guess self-immolation, is one way to get rid of those haters, as her daughter and her
    go on about. Why get Mitt to do it. Oh that's right she can be the victim then. Blood Libel.

  48. Manhattan123

    Good Lord, what's the matter with her hair? If HBO does a sequel to that movie they're going to have to get Ruth Buzzi to play her now instead of Julianne Moore.

    1. HedonismBot

      Sarah, Sarah Palin! Queen of the Alaskan frontier – skinned a beaver pelt and stuck it on her head.

  49. Neoyorquino

    Light our hair on fire = chafe our un-lubricated lady-bits until they burst into flames.

  50. HedonismBot

    I just don't get it: I like milque, and I like toast, but for some reason I can't get excited about Mitt!

  51. NYNYNYjr

    "Mitt Romney's repeated claim that he played no part in executive decision-making related to Bain after 1999 is false, according to Romney's own testimony in June 2002, in which he admitted to sitting on the board of the Lifelike Co., a doll maker that was a Bain investment during the period."

    Lifelike Co. has also repeatedly denied that it made large man-sized dolls with moving parts, though a decades long paper-trail and various patent documents seem to say otherwise. "Even if we did make them, they're still dolls," said their CEO, "you can tell them from human beings. Just examine their genitals."

      1. viennawoods13

        Not to mention his personality. It's like a Genuine People Personality produced by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

  52. rayy1960

    Well, he must be exceedingly lame, because her hair does look pretty darn flammable!

    Is she saying she wants someone younger? Sorry, honey, you don't get to pick the nominee single-handedly.

  53. Tundra Grifter

    From this morning's Politico email:

    "Romney said he remained on the boards of several companies, including the Lifelike Co., in which Bain Capital held a stake until 2001. …"

    Sometimes the jokes just write themselves!

  54. Blunderthing

    Snowbilly Grifter's still treading water in the cesspool. She's a fart bubble that has popped.

  55. lulzmonger

    Fireplay – this is not how it is done.
    Rarely have I clicked "READ MORE" with such trepidation.

    Here, Sarah, let me help you with that …

    *sprays evil Snow-Witch with white phosphorus*

  56. LibertyLover

    Maybe Palin is expecting Mitt to get a personality implant? With a side of integrity and character?

  57. mosjef

    An obvious ploy to work a refund from Walmart on that throw rug on her skull. Did it come with matching curtains?

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