PROUD TRADITIONS  3:00 pm July 12, 2012

Dick Cheney To Shoot At Mitt Romney For Fundraising Stunt

by Jim Newell

Ha ha rememberPoor Mitt Romney, the sadnesses keep piling atop sadnesses, until all the sadness is drained, and there is nothing. Just a few days ago he was enjoying a lil’ R&R at the actual ancient forest palace that he owns. Riding the boat, competitive nail hammering, all the summer activities that he loves, he was doing. And then things begin to come undone: He has to leave to address a convention of blahs, and they don’t like him. Then Obama and everyone gets all up in his bum about outsourcing, tax returns, Bain, murder. And really, we are surprised at how competently and relentlessly the Obama campaign is managing to nuke Mitt Romney this week. It’s not a fun time for Mittens! And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him.

Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months. The problem is that swing voters, according to recent polling, still consider those two “fucking assholes.” But the wingnuts still love old Dick, and they’d be honored to share their stacks of oil and natural gas money in ten gallon hats with the Mitt Romney campaign as long as Cheney is hosting.

Besides, Dick Cheney is going to tell Mitt Romney who should be vice president. Will Dick Cheney pick himself, again?

JACKSON, Wyo. (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney is using his popularity with Republican conservatives to give a boost to Mitt Romney, hosting a fundraiser for the party’s likely nominee at a mountain valley resort as well as a private dinner at his Wyoming home. [...]

Romney’s visit with the GOP sage comes as he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2. Cheney is familiar with the process: He was charged with leading Bush’s vice presidential search in 2000 and ended up vice president himself. Romney has tasked longtime aide Beth Myers with leading his own vice presidential search.

Which would be a funnier Romney VP pick: Cheney or Palin? Oh, poo to them all. Dick Cheney should be running for president himself, anyway, as Jon Meacham once argued in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 136 comments }

nounverb911 July 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I'd pay to see Cheney do that.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

What, fuck himself?

That's the only thing I'd pay to see Cheney do.

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'd pay more to see it done to Cheney.

Crank_Tango July 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I had a dream last night that I met romney and shook his hand saying "I think, no, I KNOW that Barry is gonna hand you your ass in November."

Please don't make a liar out of dream-me, barry.

Also, Cheney? What, was hitler's head not available?

Schmannnity July 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

But will Mitt apologize if he catches a load of bird shot in the face?

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

He won't have to. It bounces off titanium

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Ahem.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I'm sorry, I don't know what I was think–

Hey, wait! We're not married!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

We don't *have* to be.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Well, I … looks like that was InterruptingActor on the line.

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Is "Interrupting Actor" the new Interrupting Cow?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Yes.

starfanglednut July 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Moo!

Larry McAwful July 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

We need to know the answer. Someone had better conduct this experiment, pronto.

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

The robot needs tips from the undead dark lord on how to pass as a living human.

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Talk about the blind leading the blind…

badseeds July 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

It's like having your fundraiser hosted by Blofeld.

SoBeach July 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Sneering cyborgs are people too, my friend.

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Even if their hearts don't beat…

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I'm assured the new one beats just fine, despite the fact that the formerly-attached child is as dead as a doornail.

Barb July 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

What did they serve at the private dinner at his Wyoming home?
Duck!

Ohforcripessake July 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1!

WhatTheHeck July 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Cheney is gauging to see if he has a shot at Romney’s vp position.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I hit the ground when I heard that.

ChernobylSoup July 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I can't come up with a comment so I'll just jot down my train of thought upon reading this post:

Cheney, lodge, The Shining, RED RUM, Mitt in a giant maze, Bain, brains, chainsaw, happy November.

Oh, and Mutually Beneficial Arrangements.

anniegetyerfun July 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Do I have to do both the woman AND the car? I don't know if there's enough time in the day for me to sex up and automobile properly.

Not_So_Much July 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Reading about those two and anything to do with a 'dirt road' makes me feel uncomfortable in my swimsuit area.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Is that where the bad Darth touched you?

eggsacklywright July 13, 2012 at 7:59 am

That's why they call it No. 2.

Antispandex July 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I'm going to bet that the old shitsack doesn't recommend Sarah Palin. Call me crazy, but I think that even the wingnuttiest of the wingnuts consider that a bad move. No, what they need is a dark skinned, female, rich, version of Dick Cheney….it's going to be tough.

Limeylizzie July 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Pre-surgery Star Jones?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm

No, Condi's not gonna do it.

Callyson July 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Anyone know Nikki Haley's net worth?

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So this officially makes Willard one of Cheney's minions? Or he is still a mere henchman?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

And now his journey to the dark side will be complete.
Bwahahahahahahah and so on.

widestanceromance July 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I hope Rmoney's people remember to take his battery out before Cheney waterboards him. Seeing that photo commands me to add this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRFZzrevpug

Goonemeritus July 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I’m starting to get a wave of nostalgia for the Dark Lord. At least when you asked him a question he the graciousness to tell you to go fuck yourself.

dijetlo July 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

But the wingnuts still love old Dick,
Not according to rentboy.com….

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I see that Liz is attrending. Maybe Fl Lt. Gov. Carroll should show up for some hawt sexytime.

HarryButtle July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Do we, by any chance, have any of those high-tech, low-accountability wedding-crashing drones floating above the western plains states today?

Not that I'm advocating it or anything…

Fairtackle July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him."

…and this is after Mitt and Ann get a flat tire in the pouring rain in the velvet darkness of the blackest night?

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Nice!

HarryButtle July 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Dr Scott! Mitt! Ann! Dick! Lynne! Rocky! Uh!

Ew.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I have this sudden urge to dance and sing.

Sir_Fartz_Alot July 12, 2012 at 4:05 pm

what's for dinner? meatloaf again?!?

valgal2342 July 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

A toast!

doloras July 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

TO CANNIBALISM

Warwhatgoodfor July 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

OMG! Pleeze tell me doesn't get stripped down to her underwear! Anything but that! I'll be good, I promise.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2012 at 2:35 am

"Servants enter from the rear." — Mitt should feel right at home.

OneDollarJuana July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Mitt better be careful to not get too close to Cheney, who would rip Mitt's "heart" out in a flash. For a spare. Just in case. He wouldn't even have to put it on ice.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

There is no way Dick could molest any one with his pecker, what with his blood flow situation, is there? If Dick Cheney is able to get government funded hard ons, I am leaving for real. Hearts are one thing, that man with a boner is just a dick too far.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I do not believe that Dick has, or even mostly has EVER had, a working dick. On what do I base this? That sonuvabitch has had astronomically high blood pressure since after he skived out of serving in VN. Nevertheless, up till very recently, he has persisted in eating a diet composed largely of meat and potatoes, and heavily salting each bite. Why this has failed to relieve us of his presence a long time ago, I do not know. However, assuming he's been on medication for his bad habits most of his life, he's had a flaccid wanger.

Now will you stay?

(PS: Between the heart disease and the blood pressure and Viagra's known and detrimental effects on the heart, I don't think he has any hope of chemically-induced boners either.)

PsycWench July 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"Will Dick Cheney pick himself, again?"

Probably.

PsycWench July 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"the wingnuts still love old Dick" Only when it comes with money. Lots and lots of it.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Mitt Romney is seeking a Mutually Beneficial Relationship.

PsycWench July 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Hard to think of Cheney as a sugar daddy, though, unless your definition of "sugar" is really non-standard.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Yeah, for "sugar"=HellFireAndBrimstone.

Gleem McShineys July 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Cheney is an oilman, and The MittBot's joints need oil?

Callyson July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Republicans don't come for anything that does not have money.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

$1,000!

prommie July 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I thought you said they were deploying Cheney to the bottom of the Persian Gulf?

Anyway, we all know how Cheney can give objective, sage advice never the least infected with self-interest. I understand he is going to recomend his daughter for the VP slot. That or Secretary of State, yeah, thats probably what he charged Romney for this bit of symbolic support.

Graham Cracker July 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Careful Mitt! Cheney may just be looking for a new heart.

Oh…you don't have one either?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Dude, I must protest your similarity to me. Who does YOUR makeup?

BlueStateLibel July 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

This might be like the Tin Man asking the Lion for courage, or the other way around.Either way, neither has what the other wants.

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Yeah, but Oz didn't give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have.

Nostrildamus July 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

But the wingnuts still love old Dick…

as do naked, Asian car ladies.

BlueStateLibel July 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Mitt Rmoney does seem to be getting the shit kicked out of him lately. Karma, she is a bitch, isn't she?

SayItWithWookies July 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I can just imagine the dinner — they're eating some nameless shapeless slab drenched in sauce and served with a potato, and Dick says to Mitt, "You know who ought to be your vice president?" and flashes his famed mischievous grin.

"Who," says Mitt with his usual bland expressionless smile.

Then Dick pulls the tablecloth off the table, sending plates and glasses and silverware crashing to the floor, revealing an ax-murdered Meatloaf in an icy plexiglass box.

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And the soundtrack? The same used in that internet sensation "Dramatic Chipmunk"!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-dun-dun-DUN …

doloras July 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I'm sorry, you've made me think of Dick Cheney in a leather teddy and fishnets and for that you must die.

SayItWithWookies July 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Don't forget Harriet Miers and Condi as Magenta and Columbia. Hey, if I'm already toast, I may as well leave you with something especially vivid, right?

Nostrildamus July 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm

… he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2 …

Couldn't have put it better, myself.

bobbert July 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Unfortunately, I see what you did there. Yucch.

Gleem McShineys July 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Ha, I saw this one laying there too! I am glad someone else picked up on it.

Wonkete: Always Handling Doodie

Stevola July 13, 2012 at 1:22 am

That corn won't extricate itself

Dildeaux July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Karma exists because cheney will be dead soon.

And if cheney holds sway over the VP pick, I can guarantee you it will be Portman.

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Not. Soon. Enough.

NellCote71 July 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Two whole fistfuls and all 10 toes up for that. Not soon enough, indeed.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Indeed.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

On what do you base that prediction?

Antispandex July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I was thinking more of a transgendered Alan Keyes, but yeah, that's the idea. Alan West might get confused with the guy who used to play Batman.

MrFizzy July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Dick, please expire already. It's enough.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2012 at 2:32 am

Not until we gather his horcruxes.

sbj1964 July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

New slogan Mittens & Dick? Dick Mittens?Almost as good as Bush & Dick.That's a classic combo.

Callyson July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months.

Cheney: his aim is too good. It is useless to resist him.

W. Bush: would this be an attempt by those who want to go by the initial "W" to reclaim the name from that train-wreck of a president? You know, the way some feminists want to reclaim "bitch" as Babe In Total Control of Herself?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Resistance is, uhm, you know.

weejee July 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Well Jackson Hole needs an asshole.

Chill_Bill July 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Jackson Hole is a phony cowboy town full of yuppies. So yeah, it's perfect for the occasion.

el_donaldo July 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Why has Romney been dodging Cheney? Because he finally realized that he's Cheney's replacement body. They've been planning it for decades.

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

That thought sent shivers down my spine.

HempDogbane July 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Mitt & Dick ride a Segway ! Photo op.

Self-Uploader July 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I know it feels good to be laughing at Mitten's expense, and I hate to be a spoilsport but Mitten's week is going just fine for Mittens.

He knew what it would it be like to speak to the blahs so he purposely pissed them off to excite his base (and also remind the whites that healthcare = Negro obamacare. My guess is he may even have timed it to happen when stuff about Bain would be emerging as a kind of a bait and switch for the stupids who will find all that financial stuff too complex to pay attention to.

swordfis July 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Yes, but it's also a sign of desperation. I thought the strategy was to appeal to swing voters with an African American photo op. They must have given up on this idealistic idea and gone for full racist.

Jadetiger79 July 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I've been reading about that too, that he insulted the blahs and hightailed it to Fox to brag on it. A calculated stunt, so to speak, like taunting. It's like: neener neener you can't stop me ha ha ha!

Blueb4sunrise July 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Hera Sent Me July 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Ultimately Beelzebub has to pay homage to Satan.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Ah wish Ah could quit you, Mitt.

didgen July 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Cheney and Romney in the same place, expect the emergence of the long awaited antichrist tonight.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm

If the wolves start howling, we'll know it's about to happen.

rocktonsam July 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

with Nixon long gone, Cheney will finally meet a bigger liar than himself.

Estproph July 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I can see it now – both of them sitting at the dinner table, their chargers plugged into the wall…

OneYieldRegular July 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

What will Mitt bring as a wedding present for Mary Cheney and her new wife?

swordfis July 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

A pair of scissors?

Veritas78 July 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Two husbands? Or two more wives?

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I always bite my tongue in a situation such as this. Mom always said "Don't speak ill of the dead".

rickmaci July 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders plus Dick Chaney going off a cliff?
A. An accident.

Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders going off a cliff with Dick Chaney's seat empty because they couldn't get his wheelchair on board?
A. A tragedy.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2012 at 2:28 am

A. Dick Cheney getting ahead in the GOP.

swordfis July 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Alan "Mae" West

Baconzgood July 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

How many hearts did the government pay for Dick?

cheetojeebus July 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Metaphorically, little Pinocchio returns to his Geppetto.

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

…V'ger returns to Earth in a search for its creator.

Hammiepants July 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

One fundraiser to rule them all…

starfanglednut July 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

One dinner to bind them..

johnnyzhivago July 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Dick! I'll bet you $10,000 you can't shoot this apple off my head!

johnnyzhivago July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Dick Cheney is like a poster child for Death Panels.

Texan_Bulldog July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I bet Dick makes Mittens choose his spawn Liz as Veep. She's an arrogant war-mongering, BitchZilla on wheels who is just as odious as her pop — maybe more so because the only reason anyone even listens to her is because of Dick. I despise them both with the 'white hot intensity of a thousand suns' (line from Diane on Cheers).

DahBoner July 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

His real name is 'Richard', but his friends call him Dick (for some reason)…

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

But who is Beth Myers, & will she be a good Veep?

TootsStansbury July 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

NEEDS MOAR MR. BIGGLESWORTH!

Mumbletypeg July 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Shucks, y'all. KBJ was onto Mitt's faptrap for the Darthlord last October, when she, um, was last heard from (not really; but seems like it)

metamarcisf July 12, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Romney will suck up to anyone with a pulse.

iburl July 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Will Mittens be arriving by plane or by high-speed underground drill-car?

Poindexter718 July 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Cheney's been dying to show Mittens his Tetons.

stncmchnc July 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Cheney does a mean impression of Lionel Barrymore.

BornInATrailer July 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Romney/Palin-Cheney-Bachmann Human Centipede 2012!

JackObin July 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I'm telling you Mitt, you stupid shit, drink coffee and alcohol and become, you know, a human being.

fuflans July 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

huh. i'm starting to think i don't much like republicans.

weird.

Schmegeg July 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Look out Mittens. They make you sign a organ donation bequest before the meeting.

ttommyunger July 12, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Some dinner party. I know this is a repeat, but it is too fitting:
"And in the Master's Chambers, they gather for the feast,
They stab it with their steely knives but they just. can't. kill. the beast!"
OT: "in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written." this one published today in OpEdNews is a close second. Some clown named Barry Bozeman wrote how unfairly accused Joe Paterno was even as the Freeh Report came out placing blame for the years-long cover up squarely at the feet of Paterno and his superiors.

Designer_Radio July 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm

The AP is having too much fun with this:

Cheney lends a bit of his GOP star power to Romney

telecustom1972 July 13, 2012 at 2:07 am

It's the least he can do for his "Bain Damaged" candidate

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2012 at 2:27 am

Foreign policy advice from Dick Cheney? What could possibly go wrong?

Nowisallthereis July 13, 2012 at 8:22 am

But the wingnuts still love old Dick…..

Cause they can't get any young dick…………..

mosjef July 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Mittwit will come away from the meeting with a blank distant stare and two symmetric puncture wounds in his neck.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Et tu, you brute!

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