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Dick Cheney To Shoot At Mitt Romney For Fundraising Stunt

Ha ha rememberPoor Mitt Romney, the sadnesses keep piling atop sadnesses, until all the sadness is drained, and there is nothing. Just a few days ago he was enjoying a lil’ R&R at the actual ancient forest palace that he owns. Riding the boat, competitive nail hammering, all the summer activities that he loves, he was doing. And then things begin to come undone: He has to leave to address a convention of blahs, and they don’t like him. Then Obama and everyone gets all up in his bum about outsourcing, tax returns, Bain, murder. And really, we are surprised at how competently and relentlessly the Obama campaign is managing to nuke Mitt Romney this week. It’s not a fun time for Mittens! And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him.

Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months. The problem is that swing voters, according to recent polling, still consider those two “fucking assholes.” But the wingnuts still love old Dick, and they’d be honored to share their stacks of oil and natural gas money in ten gallon hats with the Mitt Romney campaign as long as Cheney is hosting.

Besides, Dick Cheney is going to tell Mitt Romney who should be vice president. Will Dick Cheney pick himself, again?

JACKSON, Wyo. (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney is using his popularity with Republican conservatives to give a boost to Mitt Romney, hosting a fundraiser for the party’s likely nominee at a mountain valley resort as well as a private dinner at his Wyoming home. […]

Romney’s visit with the GOP sage comes as he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2. Cheney is familiar with the process: He was charged with leading Bush’s vice presidential search in 2000 and ended up vice president himself. Romney has tasked longtime aide Beth Myers with leading his own vice presidential search.

Which would be a funnier Romney VP pick: Cheney or Palin? Oh, poo to them all. Dick Cheney should be running for president himself, anyway, as Jon Meacham once argued in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    I'd pay to see Cheney do that.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What, fuck himself?

      That's the only thing I'd pay to see Cheney do.

    • va_real

      I'd pay more to see it done to Cheney.

  • Crank_Tango

    I had a dream last night that I met romney and shook his hand saying "I think, no, I KNOW that Barry is gonna hand you your ass in November."

    Please don't make a liar out of dream-me, barry.

    Also, Cheney? What, was hitler's head not available?

  • Schmannnity

    But will Mitt apologize if he catches a load of bird shot in the face?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He won't have to. It bounces off titanium

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Ahem.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I'm sorry, I don't know what I was think–

          Hey, wait! We're not married!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            We don't *have* to be.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, I … looks like that was InterruptingActor on the line.

      • va_real

        Is "Interrupting Actor" the new Interrupting Cow?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yes.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Moo!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Et tu, you brute!

    • Larry McAwful

      We need to know the answer. Someone had better conduct this experiment, pronto.

  • SorosBot

    The robot needs tips from the undead dark lord on how to pass as a living human.

    • va_real

      Talk about the blind leading the blind…

  • badseeds

    It's like having your fundraiser hosted by Blofeld.

  • SoBeach

    Sneering cyborgs are people too, my friend.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Even if their hearts don't beat…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm assured the new one beats just fine, despite the fact that the formerly-attached child is as dead as a doornail.

  • Barb

    What did they serve at the private dinner at his Wyoming home?
    Duck!

    • Ohforcripessake

      BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1!

    • WhatTheHeck

      Cheney is gauging to see if he has a shot at Romney’s vp position.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I hit the ground when I heard that.

  • ChernobylSoup

    I can't come up with a comment so I'll just jot down my train of thought upon reading this post:

    Cheney, lodge, The Shining, RED RUM, Mitt in a giant maze, Bain, brains, chainsaw, happy November.

    Oh, and Mutually Beneficial Arrangements.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Do I have to do both the woman AND the car? I don't know if there's enough time in the day for me to sex up and automobile properly.

  • Not_So_Much

    Reading about those two and anything to do with a 'dirt road' makes me feel uncomfortable in my swimsuit area.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Is that where the bad Darth touched you?

    • eggsacklywright

      That's why they call it No. 2.

  • Antispandex

    I'm going to bet that the old shitsack doesn't recommend Sarah Palin. Call me crazy, but I think that even the wingnuttiest of the wingnuts consider that a bad move. No, what they need is a dark skinned, female, rich, version of Dick Cheney….it's going to be tough.

    • Limeylizzie

      Pre-surgery Star Jones?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, Condi's not gonna do it.

    • Callyson

      Anyone know Nikki Haley's net worth?

  • Oblios_Cap

    So this officially makes Willard one of Cheney's minions? Or he is still a mere henchman?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    And now his journey to the dark side will be complete.
    Bwahahahahahahah and so on.

  • widestanceromance

    I hope Rmoney's people remember to take his battery out before Cheney waterboards him. Seeing that photo commands me to add this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRFZzrevpug

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m starting to get a wave of nostalgia for the Dark Lord. At least when you asked him a question he the graciousness to tell you to go fuck yourself.

  • dijetlo

    But the wingnuts still love old Dick,
    Not according to rentboy.com….

  • Oblios_Cap

    I see that Liz is attrending. Maybe Fl Lt. Gov. Carroll should show up for some hawt sexytime.

  • HarryButtle

    Do we, by any chance, have any of those high-tech, low-accountability wedding-crashing drones floating above the western plains states today?

    Not that I'm advocating it or anything…

  • Fairtackle

    "And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him."

    …and this is after Mitt and Ann get a flat tire in the pouring rain in the velvet darkness of the blackest night?

    • emmelemm

      Nice!

    • HarryButtle

      Dr Scott! Mitt! Ann! Dick! Lynne! Rocky! Uh!

      Ew.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I have this sudden urge to dance and sing.

    • Sir_Fartz_Alot

      what's for dinner? meatloaf again?!?

    • valgal2342

      A toast!

      • doloras

        TO CANNIBALISM

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      OMG! Pleeze tell me doesn't get stripped down to her underwear! Anything but that! I'll be good, I promise.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Servants enter from the rear." — Mitt should feel right at home.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Mitt better be careful to not get too close to Cheney, who would rip Mitt's "heart" out in a flash. For a spare. Just in case. He wouldn't even have to put it on ice.

  • FakaktaSouth

    There is no way Dick could molest any one with his pecker, what with his blood flow situation, is there? If Dick Cheney is able to get government funded hard ons, I am leaving for real. Hearts are one thing, that man with a boner is just a dick too far.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I do not believe that Dick has, or even mostly has EVER had, a working dick. On what do I base this? That sonuvabitch has had astronomically high blood pressure since after he skived out of serving in VN. Nevertheless, up till very recently, he has persisted in eating a diet composed largely of meat and potatoes, and heavily salting each bite. Why this has failed to relieve us of his presence a long time ago, I do not know. However, assuming he's been on medication for his bad habits most of his life, he's had a flaccid wanger.

      Now will you stay?

      (PS: Between the heart disease and the blood pressure and Viagra's known and detrimental effects on the heart, I don't think he has any hope of chemically-induced boners either.)

  • PsycWench

    "Will Dick Cheney pick himself, again?"

    Probably.

  • PsycWench

    "the wingnuts still love old Dick" Only when it comes with money. Lots and lots of it.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

      Mitt Romney is seeking a Mutually Beneficial Relationship.

      • PsycWench

        Hard to think of Cheney as a sugar daddy, though, unless your definition of "sugar" is really non-standard.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yeah, for "sugar"=HellFireAndBrimstone.

      • Gleem McShineys

        Cheney is an oilman, and The MittBot's joints need oil?

    • Callyson

      Republicans don't come for anything that does not have money.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    $1,000!

  • prommie

    I thought you said they were deploying Cheney to the bottom of the Persian Gulf?

    Anyway, we all know how Cheney can give objective, sage advice never the least infected with self-interest. I understand he is going to recomend his daughter for the VP slot. That or Secretary of State, yeah, thats probably what he charged Romney for this bit of symbolic support.

  • Graham Cracker

    Careful Mitt! Cheney may just be looking for a new heart.

    Oh…you don't have one either?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Dude, I must protest your similarity to me. Who does YOUR makeup?

    • BlueStateLibel

      This might be like the Tin Man asking the Lion for courage, or the other way around.Either way, neither has what the other wants.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, but Oz didn't give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have.

  • Nostrildamus

    But the wingnuts still love old Dick…

    as do naked, Asian car ladies.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Mitt Rmoney does seem to be getting the shit kicked out of him lately. Karma, she is a bitch, isn't she?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can just imagine the dinner — they're eating some nameless shapeless slab drenched in sauce and served with a potato, and Dick says to Mitt, "You know who ought to be your vice president?" and flashes his famed mischievous grin.

    "Who," says Mitt with his usual bland expressionless smile.

    Then Dick pulls the tablecloth off the table, sending plates and glasses and silverware crashing to the floor, revealing an ax-murdered Meatloaf in an icy plexiglass box.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And the soundtrack? The same used in that internet sensation "Dramatic Chipmunk"!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-dun-dun-DUN …

    • doloras

      I'm sorry, you've made me think of Dick Cheney in a leather teddy and fishnets and for that you must die.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Don't forget Harriet Miers and Condi as Magenta and Columbia. Hey, if I'm already toast, I may as well leave you with something especially vivid, right?

  • Nostrildamus

    … he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2 …

    Couldn't have put it better, myself.

    • bobbert

      Unfortunately, I see what you did there. Yucch.

    • Gleem McShineys

      Ha, I saw this one laying there too! I am glad someone else picked up on it.

      Wonkete: Always Handling Doodie

    • Stevola

      That corn won't extricate itself

  • Dildeaux

    Karma exists because cheney will be dead soon.

    And if cheney holds sway over the VP pick, I can guarantee you it will be Portman.

    • emmelemm

      Not. Soon. Enough.

      • NellCote71

        Two whole fistfuls and all 10 toes up for that. Not soon enough, indeed.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Indeed.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      On what do you base that prediction?

  • Antispandex

    I was thinking more of a transgendered Alan Keyes, but yeah, that's the idea. Alan West might get confused with the guy who used to play Batman.

  • MrFizzy

    Dick, please expire already. It's enough.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not until we gather his horcruxes.

  • sbj1964

    New slogan Mittens & Dick? Dick Mittens?Almost as good as Bush & Dick.That's a classic combo.

  • Callyson

    Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months.

    Cheney: his aim is too good. It is useless to resist him.

    W. Bush: would this be an attempt by those who want to go by the initial "W" to reclaim the name from that train-wreck of a president? You know, the way some feminists want to reclaim "bitch" as Babe In Total Control of Herself?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Resistance is, uhm, you know.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Well Jackson Hole needs an asshole.

    • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

      Jackson Hole is a phony cowboy town full of yuppies. So yeah, it's perfect for the occasion.

  • el_donaldo

    Why has Romney been dodging Cheney? Because he finally realized that he's Cheney's replacement body. They've been planning it for decades.

    • va_real

      That thought sent shivers down my spine.

  • HempDogbane

    Mitt & Dick ride a Segway ! Photo op.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    I know it feels good to be laughing at Mitten's expense, and I hate to be a spoilsport but Mitten's week is going just fine for Mittens.

    He knew what it would it be like to speak to the blahs so he purposely pissed them off to excite his base (and also remind the whites that healthcare = Negro obamacare. My guess is he may even have timed it to happen when stuff about Bain would be emerging as a kind of a bait and switch for the stupids who will find all that financial stuff too complex to pay attention to.

    • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

      Yes, but it's also a sign of desperation. I thought the strategy was to appeal to swing voters with an African American photo op. They must have given up on this idealistic idea and gone for full racist.

    • Jadetiger79

      I've been reading about that too, that he insulted the blahs and hightailed it to Fox to brag on it. A calculated stunt, so to speak, like taunting. It's like: neener neener you can't stop me ha ha ha!

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise
  • Hera Sent Me

    Ultimately Beelzebub has to pay homage to Satan.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Ah wish Ah could quit you, Mitt.

  • didgen

    Cheney and Romney in the same place, expect the emergence of the long awaited antichrist tonight.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      If the wolves start howling, we'll know it's about to happen.

  • rocktonsam

    with Nixon long gone, Cheney will finally meet a bigger liar than himself.

  • Estproph

    I can see it now – both of them sitting at the dinner table, their chargers plugged into the wall…

  • OneYieldRegular

    What will Mitt bring as a wedding present for Mary Cheney and her new wife?

    • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

      A pair of scissors?

    • Veritas78

      Two husbands? Or two more wives?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I always bite my tongue in a situation such as this. Mom always said "Don't speak ill of the dead".

  • rickmaci

    Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders plus Dick Chaney going off a cliff?
    A. An accident.

    Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders going off a cliff with Dick Chaney's seat empty because they couldn't get his wheelchair on board?
    A. A tragedy.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      A. Dick Cheney getting ahead in the GOP.

  • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

    Alan "Mae" West

  • Baconzgood

    How many hearts did the government pay for Dick?

  • cheetojeebus

    Metaphorically, little Pinocchio returns to his Geppetto.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      …V'ger returns to Earth in a search for its creator.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    One fundraiser to rule them all…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      One dinner to bind them..

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Dick! I'll bet you $10,000 you can't shoot this apple off my head!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Dick Cheney is like a poster child for Death Panels.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I bet Dick makes Mittens choose his spawn Liz as Veep. She's an arrogant war-mongering, BitchZilla on wheels who is just as odious as her pop — maybe more so because the only reason anyone even listens to her is because of Dick. I despise them both with the 'white hot intensity of a thousand suns' (line from Diane on Cheers).

  • DahBoner

    His real name is 'Richard', but his friends call him Dick (for some reason)…

  • va_real

    But who is Beth Myers, & will she be a good Veep?

  • TootsStansbury

    NEEDS MOAR MR. BIGGLESWORTH!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Shucks, y'all. KBJ was onto Mitt's faptrap for the Darthlord last October, when she, um, was last heard from (not really; but seems like it)

  • metamarcisf

    Romney will suck up to anyone with a pulse.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Will Mittens be arriving by plane or by high-speed underground drill-car?

  • Poindexter718

    Cheney's been dying to show Mittens his Tetons.

  • stncmchnc

    Cheney does a mean impression of Lionel Barrymore.

  • BornInATrailer

    Romney/Palin-Cheney-Bachmann Human Centipede 2012!

  • JackObin

    I'm telling you Mitt, you stupid shit, drink coffee and alcohol and become, you know, a human being.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    huh. i'm starting to think i don't much like republicans.

    weird.

  • Schmegeg

    Look out Mittens. They make you sign a organ donation bequest before the meeting.

  • ttommyunger

    Some dinner party. I know this is a repeat, but it is too fitting:
    "And in the Master's Chambers, they gather for the feast,
    They stab it with their steely knives but they just. can't. kill. the beast!"
    OT: "in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written." this one published today in OpEdNews is a close second. Some clown named Barry Bozeman wrote how unfairly accused Joe Paterno was even as the Freeh Report came out placing blame for the years-long cover up squarely at the feet of Paterno and his superiors.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    The AP is having too much fun with this:

    Cheney lends a bit of his GOP star power to Romney

  • telecustom1972

    It's the least he can do for his "Bain Damaged" candidate

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Foreign policy advice from Dick Cheney? What could possibly go wrong?

  • Nowisallthereis

    But the wingnuts still love old Dick…..

    Cause they can't get any young dick…………..

  • mosjef

    Mittwit will come away from the meeting with a blank distant stare and two symmetric puncture wounds in his neck.