proud traditions

Dick Cheney To Shoot At Mitt Romney For Fundraising Stunt

Ha ha rememberPoor Mitt Romney, the sadnesses keep piling atop sadnesses, until all the sadness is drained, and there is nothing. Just a few days ago he was enjoying a lil’ R&R at the actual ancient forest palace that he owns. Riding the boat, competitive nail hammering, all the summer activities that he loves, he was doing. And then things begin to come undone: He has to leave to address a convention of blahs, and they don’t like him. Then Obama and everyone gets all up in his bum about outsourcing, tax returns, Bain, murder. And really, we are surprised at how competently and relentlessly the Obama campaign is managing to nuke Mitt Romney this week. It’s not a fun time for Mittens! And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him.

Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months. The problem is that swing voters, according to recent polling, still consider those two “fucking assholes.” But the wingnuts still love old Dick, and they’d be honored to share their stacks of oil and natural gas money in ten gallon hats with the Mitt Romney campaign as long as Cheney is hosting.

Besides, Dick Cheney is going to tell Mitt Romney who should be vice president. Will Dick Cheney pick himself, again?

JACKSON, Wyo. (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney is using his popularity with Republican conservatives to give a boost to Mitt Romney, hosting a fundraiser for the party’s likely nominee at a mountain valley resort as well as a private dinner at his Wyoming home. […]

Romney’s visit with the GOP sage comes as he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2. Cheney is familiar with the process: He was charged with leading Bush’s vice presidential search in 2000 and ended up vice president himself. Romney has tasked longtime aide Beth Myers with leading his own vice presidential search.

Which would be a funnier Romney VP pick: Cheney or Palin? Oh, poo to them all. Dick Cheney should be running for president himself, anyway, as Jon Meacham once argued in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Crank_Tango

    I had a dream last night that I met romney and shook his hand saying "I think, no, I KNOW that Barry is gonna hand you your ass in November."

    Please don't make a liar out of dream-me, barry.

    Also, Cheney? What, was hitler's head not available?

  2. ChernobylSoup

    I can't come up with a comment so I'll just jot down my train of thought upon reading this post:

    Cheney, lodge, The Shining, RED RUM, Mitt in a giant maze, Bain, brains, chainsaw, happy November.

    Oh, and Mutually Beneficial Arrangements.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Do I have to do both the woman AND the car? I don't know if there's enough time in the day for me to sex up and automobile properly.

  3. Not_So_Much

    Reading about those two and anything to do with a 'dirt road' makes me feel uncomfortable in my swimsuit area.

  4. Antispandex

    I'm going to bet that the old shitsack doesn't recommend Sarah Palin. Call me crazy, but I think that even the wingnuttiest of the wingnuts consider that a bad move. No, what they need is a dark skinned, female, rich, version of Dick Cheney….it's going to be tough.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    So this officially makes Willard one of Cheney's minions? Or he is still a mere henchman?

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    And now his journey to the dark side will be complete.
    Bwahahahahahahah and so on.

  7. Goonemeritus

    I’m starting to get a wave of nostalgia for the Dark Lord. At least when you asked him a question he the graciousness to tell you to go fuck yourself.

  8. Oblios_Cap

    I see that Liz is attrending. Maybe Fl Lt. Gov. Carroll should show up for some hawt sexytime.

  9. HarryButtle

    Do we, by any chance, have any of those high-tech, low-accountability wedding-crashing drones floating above the western plains states today?

    Not that I'm advocating it or anything…

  10. Fairtackle

    "And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him."

    …and this is after Mitt and Ann get a flat tire in the pouring rain in the velvet darkness of the blackest night?

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      OMG! Pleeze tell me doesn't get stripped down to her underwear! Anything but that! I'll be good, I promise.

  11. OneDollarJuana

    Mitt better be careful to not get too close to Cheney, who would rip Mitt's "heart" out in a flash. For a spare. Just in case. He wouldn't even have to put it on ice.

  12. FakaktaSouth

    There is no way Dick could molest any one with his pecker, what with his blood flow situation, is there? If Dick Cheney is able to get government funded hard ons, I am leaving for real. Hearts are one thing, that man with a boner is just a dick too far.

    1. MittBorg

      I do not believe that Dick has, or even mostly has EVER had, a working dick. On what do I base this? That sonuvabitch has had astronomically high blood pressure since after he skived out of serving in VN. Nevertheless, up till very recently, he has persisted in eating a diet composed largely of meat and potatoes, and heavily salting each bite. Why this has failed to relieve us of his presence a long time ago, I do not know. However, assuming he's been on medication for his bad habits most of his life, he's had a flaccid wanger.

      Now will you stay?

      (PS: Between the heart disease and the blood pressure and Viagra's known and detrimental effects on the heart, I don't think he has any hope of chemically-induced boners either.)

  13. PsycWench

    "the wingnuts still love old Dick" Only when it comes with money. Lots and lots of it.

      1. PsycWench

        Hard to think of Cheney as a sugar daddy, though, unless your definition of "sugar" is really non-standard.

  14. prommie

    I thought you said they were deploying Cheney to the bottom of the Persian Gulf?

    Anyway, we all know how Cheney can give objective, sage advice never the least infected with self-interest. I understand he is going to recomend his daughter for the VP slot. That or Secretary of State, yeah, thats probably what he charged Romney for this bit of symbolic support.

  15. Graham Cracker

    Careful Mitt! Cheney may just be looking for a new heart.

    Oh…you don't have one either?

    1. BlueStateLibel

      This might be like the Tin Man asking the Lion for courage, or the other way around.Either way, neither has what the other wants.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    Mitt Rmoney does seem to be getting the shit kicked out of him lately. Karma, she is a bitch, isn't she?

  17. SayItWithWookies

    I can just imagine the dinner — they're eating some nameless shapeless slab drenched in sauce and served with a potato, and Dick says to Mitt, "You know who ought to be your vice president?" and flashes his famed mischievous grin.

    "Who," says Mitt with his usual bland expressionless smile.

    Then Dick pulls the tablecloth off the table, sending plates and glasses and silverware crashing to the floor, revealing an ax-murdered Meatloaf in an icy plexiglass box.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      And the soundtrack? The same used in that internet sensation "Dramatic Chipmunk"!

    2. doloras

      I'm sorry, you've made me think of Dick Cheney in a leather teddy and fishnets and for that you must die.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Don't forget Harriet Miers and Condi as Magenta and Columbia. Hey, if I'm already toast, I may as well leave you with something especially vivid, right?

  18. Nostrildamus

    … he’s in the final stages of picking his own No. 2 …

    Couldn't have put it better, myself.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Ha, I saw this one laying there too! I am glad someone else picked up on it.

      Wonkete: Always Handling Doodie

  19. Dildeaux

    Karma exists because cheney will be dead soon.

    And if cheney holds sway over the VP pick, I can guarantee you it will be Portman.

  20. Antispandex

    I was thinking more of a transgendered Alan Keyes, but yeah, that's the idea. Alan West might get confused with the guy who used to play Batman.

  21. sbj1964

    New slogan Mittens & Dick? Dick Mittens?Almost as good as Bush & Dick.That's a classic combo.

  22. Callyson

    Romney, the Associated Press reminds us, has been dodging Cheney and W. Bush for months.

    Cheney: his aim is too good. It is useless to resist him.

    W. Bush: would this be an attempt by those who want to go by the initial "W" to reclaim the name from that train-wreck of a president? You know, the way some feminists want to reclaim "bitch" as Babe In Total Control of Herself?

  23. el_donaldo

    Why has Romney been dodging Cheney? Because he finally realized that he's Cheney's replacement body. They've been planning it for decades.

  24. Self-Uploader

    I know it feels good to be laughing at Mitten's expense, and I hate to be a spoilsport but Mitten's week is going just fine for Mittens.

    He knew what it would it be like to speak to the blahs so he purposely pissed them off to excite his base (and also remind the whites that healthcare = Negro obamacare. My guess is he may even have timed it to happen when stuff about Bain would be emerging as a kind of a bait and switch for the stupids who will find all that financial stuff too complex to pay attention to.

    1. swordfis

      Yes, but it's also a sign of desperation. I thought the strategy was to appeal to swing voters with an African American photo op. They must have given up on this idealistic idea and gone for full racist.

    2. Jadetiger79

      I've been reading about that too, that he insulted the blahs and hightailed it to Fox to brag on it. A calculated stunt, so to speak, like taunting. It's like: neener neener you can't stop me ha ha ha!

  25. didgen

    Cheney and Romney in the same place, expect the emergence of the long awaited antichrist tonight.

  26. Estproph

    I can see it now – both of them sitting at the dinner table, their chargers plugged into the wall…

  27. Jus_Wonderin

    I always bite my tongue in a situation such as this. Mom always said "Don't speak ill of the dead".

  28. rickmaci

    Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders plus Dick Chaney going off a cliff?
    A. An accident.

    Q. What do you call a bus with 49 Republican leaders going off a cliff with Dick Chaney's seat empty because they couldn't get his wheelchair on board?
    A. A tragedy.

  29. Texan_Bulldog

    I bet Dick makes Mittens choose his spawn Liz as Veep. She's an arrogant war-mongering, BitchZilla on wheels who is just as odious as her pop — maybe more so because the only reason anyone even listens to her is because of Dick. I despise them both with the 'white hot intensity of a thousand suns' (line from Diane on Cheers).

  30. JackObin

    I'm telling you Mitt, you stupid shit, drink coffee and alcohol and become, you know, a human being.

  31. ttommyunger

    Some dinner party. I know this is a repeat, but it is too fitting:
    "And in the Master's Chambers, they gather for the feast,
    They stab it with their steely knives but they just. can't. kill. the beast!"
    OT: "in the shittiest piece of shit article ever written." this one published today in OpEdNews is a close second. Some clown named Barry Bozeman wrote how unfairly accused Joe Paterno was even as the Freeh Report came out placing blame for the years-long cover up squarely at the feet of Paterno and his superiors.

  32. Nowisallthereis

    But the wingnuts still love old Dick…..

    Cause they can't get any young dick…………..

  33. mosjef

    Mittwit will come away from the meeting with a blank distant stare and two symmetric puncture wounds in his neck.

Comments are closed.