TODAY IN DEATH ROBOTS  2:20 pm July 12, 2012

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

by Major Major Major Major

death robotThe realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it.

These super-secret “sea drones” are sold practically on the open market and are basically tiny, fancier versions of the wire-guided torpedoes that have been around since, oh, 1945. They’re intended to blow up mines that Iran would use to close the Strait of Hormuz and stop tankers from bringing us our Gulf oil that Dick Cheney laid down his mortal life to obtain for us from Satan. Hippie peaceniks should like them, since they’re death machines designed to kill only other death machines, unless some Iranian minisub happens to get caught in the act of laying said mines. Hey, if your actual job title is “human torpedo,” you should probably know the risks involved.

Meanwhile, the pussies over at the State department are in Southeast Asia being all multilateral this, and peacefully resolving territorial disputes that, making an ever more solid case for the Law of the Sea Treaty that would provide a solid legal framework for that kind of jaw-jaw, which George Will Does Not Care For One Bit. LOLs, Hillary, didn’t you see “Battleship?” OK, sure, nobody saw that, but just go on any Internet forum and you’ll find EVERYBODY agrees with Admiral Will that all we need to put China in its place is a few hundred more warships and stealth fighters. And building all that military hardware will end the recession AND eliminate the deficit, just like it did in the ’80s.

So stop buying Nazi deathbot torpedoes, Pentagon, and buy American.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 132 comments }

Barb July 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Wow, this is a Major story, thanks!
Writer, please don't change your name up there.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Bah! A full house beats four Majors.

Barb July 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm

And scissoring beats working.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Scissoring beats everything. I know it makes me beat me.

TheLifeSilica July 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Major Dad beats Full House.

WABishop July 12, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Who promoted Major Major?

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Say! You know another German who used to stick things in the shipping lanes to disrupt the world economy?

iburl July 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Bruno?

DerrickWildcat July 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Österreich Libel!

Preferred Customer July 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Captain E.J. Smith?

Callyson July 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Angela Merkel?

nounverb911 July 12, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Rush Limbaugh?

UnholyMoses July 12, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Commander Klink?

gullywompr July 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Mittler?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

You called?

prommie July 12, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Henry Kissinger?

mrpuma2u July 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Friedrich Nietzche?

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The Visigoths?

CleverSobriquet July 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Kaiser Permanente?

billy_reuben July 13, 2012 at 8:25 am

Sgt. Schulz?

Estproph July 12, 2012 at 2:25 pm

WANT!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm

(Do Not)

nounverb911 July 12, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Do American Skybot Death Drones float?

Mittens Howell, III July 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Thinking of trading in my porche for an underwater death robot to distinguish myself from all those other mid-life crisis losers.

Terry July 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm

"Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche "

They could have had death robots made much, much cheaper by creating a challenge among the engineering departments at US universities. The winners get scholarships and truckloads of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos.

mavenmaven July 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm

We could have simply shot the Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos at the Iranian mines, equally effective at blowing things up.

ChernobylSoup July 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Man, if one of those German subs breaks down it's going to cost a fortune to fix.

commiegirl99 July 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm

What's good for the syndicate is good for America!

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm

FOX?

nounverb911 July 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Needs more chocolate covered Egyptian cotton balls.

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Cough!

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Hey! Where's the morphine?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 12, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Hey wtf? My lifejacket isn't inflating!

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Do undersea androids dream of electric sardines?

Barb July 13, 2012 at 1:57 am

You just blew my mind.

Blueb4sunrise July 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Drone, drone, drone,
drone Iran.

Baconzgood July 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Blowing up shit is the american way. Not the German…..oh wait.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I was gonna complain, but if Mumblety requested it … I miss my little piglet, tho.

Baconzgood July 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I can't keep every body happy. It's just a temp. AVATAR until I return from vacation.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I wasn't complaining, really. This av's really cool. In a grossly disgustingly familiar embarrassing teenage stage sorta way. I think I owned pants that looked like that oncet.

Callyson July 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Christ, George Will is getting even crankier:

Five former Republican secretaries of state (Henry Kissinger, George Shultz, James Baker, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice) support LOST, saying in a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece, “we would strengthen our capacity to influence deliberations and negotiations involving other nations’ attempts to extend their continental boundaries.” But would such influence be wielded vigorously by some administrations? And would this influence be superior to existing U.S. influence, particularly that of the U.S. Navy?

Yeah–that sea is ours, dammit!

…shameful that the Chamber of Commerce is campaigning for LOST through an organization with the Orwellian name the American Sovereignty Campaign.

When a Reep is going up against the *Chamber of Commerce* you know he's really lost his marbles…

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Well at least it's not the Dharma Initiative.

Mittens Howell, III July 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Underwater death robots were originally developed as a practical joke on Dick Cheney's waterboarding team.

OneYieldRegular July 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Off topic at a slant, but I was just reading about the Spanish Inquisition and learned that waterboarding was apparently one of the Inquisition's top three torture methods. Suspension by the ankles or wrists was another, which leaves only the most commonly used method, the rack, as having not been fully endorsed by Chief Inquisitor Dick Cheney.

James Michael Curley July 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The technique during those days was a lot different than the method shown more recently. The wet handkerchief over the mouth and nose probably causes distress as far too much moisture gets inhaled. In the old days they built a platform that could be titled, then fitted a mask over your mouth and nose with a water reservoir below your chin. You were then tilted slowly until the water started to run into your nose and reach a level at your mouth.

OneYieldRegular July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

How awful. So the net difference is that instead of feeling like you're drowning, you feel like you're drowning.

Mittens Howell, III July 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I've endorsed a rack or two in my day.

ManchuCandidate July 12, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Das Bot!

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Unterseebotten.

bobbert July 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Ausgezeichnet.

RadioSlut July 12, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Vee are goink bok!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You call … oh, wait.

Never mind.

Preferred Customer July 12, 2012 at 2:31 pm

If the Navy played its cards right, it could get James Cameron to bankroll this whole thing.

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Though, this time, I want that freakingly huge diamond necklace for me…just me. Sure, I am a guy, but I'd wear it with pride.

CleverSobriquet July 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Or the Columbian coca entrepreneurs.

weejee July 12, 2012 at 2:32 pm

There's a Catch 22 floatin' around here somewhere. Likely M&M Enterprises, the forerunner of Bain Kapital, snarfed it up.

HempDogbane July 12, 2012 at 2:36 pm

"Jump in."

StealthMuslin July 12, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Only problem with blowing shit up underwater?
No Afghan wedding parties down there. USA!

mavenmaven July 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Jack Sparrow is not happy about this at all.

Preferred Customer July 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm

And neither is Michael Bolton.

ChernobylSoup July 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Think of all the dolphins that will have to move back in with their parents now that their jobs have been outsourced.

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Speaking of water robots, my wife helped give birth to one this week named Skippy.

You can make him skip stones on a scenic pond in Sun Valley right from the comfort of your Cheetos-encrusted computer chair (toilet). It's to promote the resort, but I thought you nerds still might wanna check it out.

He dies tomorrow at sundown.

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Where is the VIP line?

BTW: that is great. Can we get one to aim at Mitt?

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 2:48 pm

After it finally hit Reddit last night, the VIP line was DDOS. Waiting times went from mere minutes to much, much more. I was able to get a shot off yesterday that nearly hit a jackass on the opposite shore. (Seriously!)

Here's a story about it with pretty pics and video: http://www.fastcocreate.com/1681090/sun-valleys-s

Jus_Wonderin July 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"Best Places to Work in the Bay Area"

Sounds cool!!

Goonemeritus July 12, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You can never disassemble that, If you let me I will sit here skipping stones until your pond is a stone parking lot.

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Haha! They literally built Skippy from scratch in their conference room between client meetings, and handmade a few thousand custom clay stones in their break room, which were then baked in the oven.

Her agency isn't named Eleven for nothin'!

bobbert July 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Among other things, that's an outstanding video feed.

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Especially considering that Skippy and his handlers are camped out 18 miles from the nearest WiFi signal. (He's really good friends with a satellite robot.)

MissTaken July 12, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Okay, who do I need to kill with a deathbot to beat Jim B. as Master Hurler?

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

A few bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 always worked for me back in high school.

Dashboard Buddha July 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I watched for a few minutes and even though people progressed through the line, I saw no stones a-skipping.

TIDE – I watched again and saw two stones a-skipping. My daily recommended intake of entertainment has been satisfied.

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Oh no.

I'm on a mobile and can't see the feed, but it was working 30 minutes ago when I could. Which one of you robomurderers killed Skippy?!

(I'll call my wife.)

DEIT- Johnny-5 is alive!!

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I peeked. Did not see any stones skipping, but are those horses on the far side of the lake?

ETA: I saw a stone!! Hooray!

Extemporanus July 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I believe those are actually dressage mules.(There was a mugshot of one of them on the site the other day, but it appears to have been disappeared.)

Schmannnity July 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I hope Obama is working on his sea kill list.

Goonemeritus July 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm

In terms of modern ordnance (something I am ashamed to admit I know something about) the price of a Porsche barely gets the Pentagon a pointy stick.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Is that still your job? It's OK if it is.

Goonemeritus July 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm

No I haven’t been in defense for about a decade now I make Hardware for a giant Wall Street firm you would know the name of. As you can see I continue to slide downhill.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

We all have to make a living. Goodness knows, my self-righteous purity took a huge thump in the nads when I found out that the firm I worked for made military hardware and software (and just neglected to tell us about it); and I ended my career working for a company that basically runs armaments sales. They paid my mortgage. I pretended not to know and engaged in some vitriolic blogging for a few years. In the end, we leave it all behind. (Hugs Goonemeritus)

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm

It's good to see the Rmoney boys have finally found work!

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm

As they keep building more and more sophisticated death robots, someone really needs to sit the top Pentagon brass down and force them to watch Terminator one of these days.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Frank Zappa used to say that Americans are so greedy and shortsighted that they will happily participate in their own destruction if they're assured of a profit.

Boojum July 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

You assume they would draw the correct conclusions.

Billmatic July 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Where do you think they got the sweet ideas?

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Robocop. Also. Too.

owhatever July 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Hello. What if they assign those Bots to work in the Great Salt Lake in Utah and disrupt the Mormon mind-meld fleet while it is baptizing dead Methodists?

Blueb4sunrise July 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It is my opinion that Louise over in the FB likes plug, needs to comment on this situation.

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Mien Gott!

swordfis July 12, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Sounds like they finally found a productive mission for Romneybot 2012.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I find this story VERY difficult to masturbate to. And I don't care if anyone else already said it.

Oblios_Cap July 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm

One would think that a little snuff porn would be stimulating to a Mittborg.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Dude, I totally installed the Empathy chip.

Baconzgood July 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I can give ya a hand.

Boojum July 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Only one?

HogeyeGrex July 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The other one is already busy.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm

See, I always said it … BaconzGOOD.

What a pal.

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

As I always say when someone says that, "But not impossible, right?"

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Say, do you know what "vibrator white finger" is?

(I love this)

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

DO NOT WANT
DO NOT WANT
DO NOT WANT

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

DAMN it, and I was all ready for some fun!

Boojum July 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

It sounds like some version of carpal tunnel.

MittBorg July 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Brilliant guess! You don't do worker's comp stuff, do you?

Vibrator white finger is an RSI, although it doesn't seem to affect women that much. Constant jarring exposure to jackhammers and the like cause nerve damage in the hands that lead to loss of blood flow/feeling.

I don't understand why Teh Laydeez are not suffering from this in droves. (Leers meaningfully)

Not_So_Much July 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I'm starting to think the morbidly obese tweens we have playing XBox in every household may wind up coming in handy.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Hey, I am NOT a teen!

rickmaci July 12, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Major, what's the catch?

Nostrildamus July 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I'm picturing these things look like Ace & Gary's duo car.

prommie July 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

That car was totally stolen from the album cover for Steppenwolfe's Not For Ladies Only.

Nostrildamus July 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Awesome!. Didn't know about that.

James Michael Curley July 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Still on the Juke at The Original in 1984.

Dashboard Buddha July 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Few things are as underrated as a good bowel movement, or as overrated as George Will.

HogeyeGrex July 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Wait. They're the same th… Ohhhh. You said good bowel movement.

Dashboard Buddha July 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Yes…the difference between a good bowel movement and George Will is that at least with the shit you leave behind there's a sense of relief and satisfaction.—

HogeyeGrex July 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Oh, I don't know. I think I'd find great relief and satisfaction flushing George Will down the loo, figuratively speaking of course.

So I guess marketing really is everything. If you call it Shit, it gets underrated. If you call it George Will, it gets an op/ed column.

Maybe I'll start saying "Gotta take a George Will" in the future.

Dashboard Buddha July 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm

“Gotta take a Will”"Don't go in there for a bit…I left a George”—

DustBowlBlues July 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

As an Old, let me say this is the truest thing I have read anywhere since I was . . .oops. My age is known only to the Social Security Administration.

sbj1964 July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm

German robots are cool ,but can you Fuck'em?

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Seven of Nein

emmelemm July 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I think there's a few Japanese robots you can fuck….

MLite July 12, 2012 at 2:57 pm

George Will is a moderate Conservative and a real deep thinker. Since 2008, he thinks hard about taking the opposite side from whatever the President is doing. Then he goes and watches baseball.

SorosBot July 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me

Billmatic July 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I knew this operative's father. He was among the very best at not growing alfalfa.

Antispandex July 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I thought all of this "drill baby drill" shit, plus fracking, was making us all energy independent and stuff. How come the former masters of Europe can't ensure the free flow of their own crude?

SayItWithWookies July 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Ever since the Iranians launched those four photoshopped ICBMs I haven't really been too worried about their military capabilities — so really, we don't need Porsches to combat them — a couple of Volkswagon Golfs would probably do the trick.

GorzoTheMighty July 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Major Major Major Major! Captain Yossarian reporting for duty!

Barb July 12, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Welcome to Wonkette, Major.

BornInATrailer July 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Schnell!!!

DustBowlBlues July 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Is Major related to Junior? Or is MajorMM the most recent Nom d'plume for Junior?

Finding out who's keeping the snark going is about the same as trying to figure out how many Chinese labor camps Mittens owns.

ttommyunger July 12, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Does the Porsche come with a naked hot chick bent over in front of it? If so, sign me up, Major!

Chow Yun Flat July 12, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Who appointed George Will as the Ruler of the Queen's Navy?

MilwaukeeKent July 12, 2012 at 10:53 pm

So how, exactly, will these help us corner the Egyption cotton market?

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