today in death robots

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

death robotThe realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it.

These super-secret “sea drones” are sold practically on the open market and are basically tiny, fancier versions of the wire-guided torpedoes that have been around since, oh, 1945. They’re intended to blow up mines that Iran would use to close the Strait of Hormuz and stop tankers from bringing us our Gulf oil that Dick Cheney laid down his mortal life to obtain for us from Satan. Hippie peaceniks should like them, since they’re death machines designed to kill only other death machines, unless some Iranian minisub happens to get caught in the act of laying said mines. Hey, if your actual job title is “human torpedo,” you should probably know the risks involved.

Meanwhile, the pussies over at the State department are in Southeast Asia being all multilateral this, and peacefully resolving territorial disputes that, making an ever more solid case for the Law of the Sea Treaty that would provide a solid legal framework for that kind of jaw-jaw, which George Will Does Not Care For One Bit. LOLs, Hillary, didn’t you see “Battleship?” OK, sure, nobody saw that, but just go on any Internet forum and you’ll find EVERYBODY agrees with Admiral Will that all we need to put China in its place is a few hundred more warships and stealth fighters. And building all that military hardware will end the recession AND eliminate the deficit, just like it did in the ’80s.

So stop buying Nazi deathbot torpedoes, Pentagon, and buy American.

Comments

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  • Barb

    Wow, this is a Major story, thanks!
    Writer, please don't change your name up there.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Bah! A full house beats four Majors.

      • Barb

        And scissoring beats working.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Scissoring beats everything. I know it makes me beat me.

      • http://www.awebcomic.com TheLifeSilica

        Major Dad beats Full House.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Who promoted Major Major?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Say! You know another German who used to stick things in the shipping lanes to disrupt the world economy?

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Bruno?

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Österreich Libel!

    • Preferred Customer

      Captain E.J. Smith?

    • Callyson

      Angela Merkel?

    • nounverb911

      Rush Limbaugh?

    • UnholyMoses

      Commander Klink?

    • gullywompr

      Mittler?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You called?

    • prommie

      Henry Kissinger?

    • mrpuma2u

      Friedrich Nietzche?

    • SorosBot

      The Visigoths?

    • CleverSobriquet

      Kaiser Permanente?

    • billy_reuben

      Sgt. Schulz?

  • Estproph

    WANT!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (Do Not)

  • nounverb911

    Do American Skybot Death Drones float?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Thinking of trading in my porche for an underwater death robot to distinguish myself from all those other mid-life crisis losers.

  • Terry

    "Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche "

    They could have had death robots made much, much cheaper by creating a challenge among the engineering departments at US universities. The winners get scholarships and truckloads of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos.

    • mavenmaven

      We could have simply shot the Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos at the Iranian mines, equally effective at blowing things up.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Man, if one of those German subs breaks down it's going to cost a fortune to fix.

  • commiegirl99

    What's good for the syndicate is good for America!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      FOX?

    • nounverb911

      Needs more chocolate covered Egyptian cotton balls.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Cough!

        • Oblios_Cap

          Hey! Where's the morphine?

          • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            Hey wtf? My lifejacket isn't inflating!

  • SorosBot

    Do undersea androids dream of electric sardines?

    • Barb

      You just blew my mind.

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise

    Drone, drone, drone,
    drone Iran.

  • Baconzgood

    Blowing up shit is the american way. Not the German…..oh wait.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I was gonna complain, but if Mumblety requested it … I miss my little piglet, tho.

      • Baconzgood

        I can't keep every body happy. It's just a temp. AVATAR until I return from vacation.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I wasn't complaining, really. This av's really cool. In a grossly disgustingly familiar embarrassing teenage stage sorta way. I think I owned pants that looked like that oncet.

  • Callyson

    Christ, George Will is getting even crankier:

    Five former Republican secretaries of state (Henry Kissinger, George Shultz, James Baker, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice) support LOST, saying in a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece, “we would strengthen our capacity to influence deliberations and negotiations involving other nations’ attempts to extend their continental boundaries.” But would such influence be wielded vigorously by some administrations? And would this influence be superior to existing U.S. influence, particularly that of the U.S. Navy?

    Yeah–that sea is ours, dammit!

    …shameful that the Chamber of Commerce is campaigning for LOST through an organization with the Orwellian name the American Sovereignty Campaign.

    When a Reep is going up against the *Chamber of Commerce* you know he's really lost his marbles…

    • SorosBot

      Well at least it's not the Dharma Initiative.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Underwater death robots were originally developed as a practical joke on Dick Cheney's waterboarding team.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Off topic at a slant, but I was just reading about the Spanish Inquisition and learned that waterboarding was apparently one of the Inquisition's top three torture methods. Suspension by the ankles or wrists was another, which leaves only the most commonly used method, the rack, as having not been fully endorsed by Chief Inquisitor Dick Cheney.

      • James Michael Curley

        The technique during those days was a lot different than the method shown more recently. The wet handkerchief over the mouth and nose probably causes distress as far too much moisture gets inhaled. In the old days they built a platform that could be titled, then fitted a mask over your mouth and nose with a water reservoir below your chin. You were then tilted slowly until the water started to run into your nose and reach a level at your mouth.

        • OneYieldRegular

          How awful. So the net difference is that instead of feeling like you're drowning, you feel like you're drowning.

      • Mittens Howell, III

        I've endorsed a rack or two in my day.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Das Bot!

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

      Unterseebotten.

    • bobbert

      Ausgezeichnet.

    • RadioSlut

      Vee are goink bok!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You call … oh, wait.

      Never mind.

  • Preferred Customer

    If the Navy played its cards right, it could get James Cameron to bankroll this whole thing.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Though, this time, I want that freakingly huge diamond necklace for me…just me. Sure, I am a guy, but I'd wear it with pride.

    • CleverSobriquet

      Or the Columbian coca entrepreneurs.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    There's a Catch 22 floatin' around here somewhere. Likely M&M Enterprises, the forerunner of Bain Kapital, snarfed it up.

    • HempDogbane

      "Jump in."

  • StealthMuslin

    Only problem with blowing shit up underwater?
    No Afghan wedding parties down there. USA!

  • mavenmaven

    Jack Sparrow is not happy about this at all.

    • Preferred Customer

      And neither is Michael Bolton.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Think of all the dolphins that will have to move back in with their parents now that their jobs have been outsourced.

    • Oblios_Cap

      So long, and thanks for all the fish.

  • Extemporanus

    Speaking of water robots, my wife helped give birth to one this week named Skippy.

    You can make him skip stones on a scenic pond in Sun Valley right from the comfort of your Cheetos-encrusted computer chair (toilet). It's to promote the resort, but I thought you nerds still might wanna check it out.

    He dies tomorrow at sundown.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Where is the VIP line?

      BTW: that is great. Can we get one to aim at Mitt?

      • Extemporanus

        After it finally hit Reddit last night, the VIP line was DDOS. Waiting times went from mere minutes to much, much more. I was able to get a shot off yesterday that nearly hit a jackass on the opposite shore. (Seriously!)

        Here's a story about it with pretty pics and video: http://www.fastcocreate.com/1681090/sun-valleys-s

        • Jus_Wonderin

          "Best Places to Work in the Bay Area"

          Sounds cool!!

    • Goonemeritus

      You can never disassemble that, If you let me I will sit here skipping stones until your pond is a stone parking lot.

      • Extemporanus

        Haha! They literally built Skippy from scratch in their conference room between client meetings, and handmade a few thousand custom clay stones in their break room, which were then baked in the oven.

        Her agency isn't named Eleven for nothin'!

    • bobbert

      Among other things, that's an outstanding video feed.

      • Extemporanus

        Especially considering that Skippy and his handlers are camped out 18 miles from the nearest WiFi signal. (He's really good friends with a satellite robot.)

    • MissTaken

      Okay, who do I need to kill with a deathbot to beat Jim B. as Master Hurler?

      • Extemporanus

        A few bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 always worked for me back in high school.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I watched for a few minutes and even though people progressed through the line, I saw no stones a-skipping.

      TIDE – I watched again and saw two stones a-skipping. My daily recommended intake of entertainment has been satisfied.

      • Extemporanus

        Oh no.

        I'm on a mobile and can't see the feed, but it was working 30 minutes ago when I could. Which one of you robomurderers killed Skippy?!

        (I'll call my wife.)

        DEIT- Johnny-5 is alive!!

    • emmelemm

      I peeked. Did not see any stones skipping, but are those horses on the far side of the lake?

      ETA: I saw a stone!! Hooray!

      • Extemporanus

        I believe those are actually dressage mules.(There was a mugshot of one of them on the site the other day, but it appears to have been disappeared.)

  • Schmannnity

    I hope Obama is working on his sea kill list.

  • Goonemeritus

    In terms of modern ordnance (something I am ashamed to admit I know something about) the price of a Porsche barely gets the Pentagon a pointy stick.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Is that still your job? It's OK if it is.

      • Goonemeritus

        No I haven’t been in defense for about a decade now I make Hardware for a giant Wall Street firm you would know the name of. As you can see I continue to slide downhill.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          We all have to make a living. Goodness knows, my self-righteous purity took a huge thump in the nads when I found out that the firm I worked for made military hardware and software (and just neglected to tell us about it); and I ended my career working for a company that basically runs armaments sales. They paid my mortgage. I pretended not to know and engaged in some vitriolic blogging for a few years. In the end, we leave it all behind. (Hugs Goonemeritus)

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's good to see the Rmoney boys have finally found work!

  • SorosBot

    As they keep building more and more sophisticated death robots, someone really needs to sit the top Pentagon brass down and force them to watch Terminator one of these days.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Frank Zappa used to say that Americans are so greedy and shortsighted that they will happily participate in their own destruction if they're assured of a profit.

    • Boojum

      You assume they would draw the correct conclusions.

    • Billmatic

      Where do you think they got the sweet ideas?

    • emmelemm

      Robocop. Also. Too.

  • owhatever

    Hello. What if they assign those Bots to work in the Great Salt Lake in Utah and disrupt the Mormon mind-meld fleet while it is baptizing dead Methodists?

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise

    It is my opinion that Louise over in the FB likes plug, needs to comment on this situation.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Mien Gott!

  • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

    Sounds like they finally found a productive mission for Romneybot 2012.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    I find this story VERY difficult to masturbate to. And I don't care if anyone else already said it.

    • Oblios_Cap

      One would think that a little snuff porn would be stimulating to a Mittborg.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Dude, I totally installed the Empathy chip.

    • Baconzgood

      I can give ya a hand.

      • Boojum

        Only one?

        • HogeyeGrex

          The other one is already busy.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        See, I always said it … BaconzGOOD.

        What a pal.

    • emmelemm

      As I always say when someone says that, "But not impossible, right?"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Say, do you know what "vibrator white finger" is?

        (I love this)

        • emmelemm

          DO NOT WANT
          DO NOT WANT
          DO NOT WANT

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            DAMN it, and I was all ready for some fun!

        • Boojum

          It sounds like some version of carpal tunnel.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Brilliant guess! You don't do worker's comp stuff, do you?

            Vibrator white finger is an RSI, although it doesn't seem to affect women that much. Constant jarring exposure to jackhammers and the like cause nerve damage in the hands that lead to loss of blood flow/feeling.

            I don't understand why Teh Laydeez are not suffering from this in droves. (Leers meaningfully)

  • Not_So_Much

    I'm starting to think the morbidly obese tweens we have playing XBox in every household may wind up coming in handy.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey, I am NOT a teen!

  • rickmaci

    Major, what's the catch?

  • Nostrildamus

    I'm picturing these things look like Ace & Gary's duo car.

    • prommie

      That car was totally stolen from the album cover for Steppenwolfe's Not For Ladies Only.

      • Nostrildamus

        Awesome!. Didn't know about that.

      • James Michael Curley

        Still on the Juke at The Original in 1984.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Few things are as underrated as a good bowel movement, or as overrated as George Will.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Wait. They're the same th… Ohhhh. You said good bowel movement.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Yes…the difference between a good bowel movement and George Will is that at least with the shit you leave behind there's a sense of relief and satisfaction.—

        • HogeyeGrex

          Oh, I don't know. I think I'd find great relief and satisfaction flushing George Will down the loo, figuratively speaking of course.

          So I guess marketing really is everything. If you call it Shit, it gets underrated. If you call it George Will, it gets an op/ed column.

          Maybe I'll start saying "Gotta take a George Will" in the future.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            “Gotta take a Will””Don't go in there for a bit…I left a George”—

    • DustBowlBlues

      As an Old, let me say this is the truest thing I have read anywhere since I was . . .oops. My age is known only to the Social Security Administration.

  • sbj1964

    German robots are cool ,but can you Fuck'em?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Seven of Nein

    • emmelemm

      I think there's a few Japanese robots you can fuck….

  • MLite

    George Will is a moderate Conservative and a real deep thinker. Since 2008, he thinks hard about taking the opposite side from whatever the President is doing. Then he goes and watches baseball.

  • SorosBot

    Under the sea
    Under the sea
    Darling it's better
    Down where it's wetter
    Take it from me

  • Billmatic

    I knew this operative's father. He was among the very best at not growing alfalfa.

  • Antispandex

    I thought all of this "drill baby drill" shit, plus fracking, was making us all energy independent and stuff. How come the former masters of Europe can't ensure the free flow of their own crude?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ever since the Iranians launched those four photoshopped ICBMs I haven't really been too worried about their military capabilities — so really, we don't need Porsches to combat them — a couple of Volkswagon Golfs would probably do the trick.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Major Major Major Major! Captain Yossarian reporting for duty!

  • Barb

    Welcome to Wonkette, Major.

  • BornInATrailer

    Schnell!!!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Is Major related to Junior? Or is MajorMM the most recent Nom d'plume for Junior?

    Finding out who's keeping the snark going is about the same as trying to figure out how many Chinese labor camps Mittens owns.

  • ttommyunger

    Does the Porsche come with a naked hot chick bent over in front of it? If so, sign me up, Major!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Who appointed George Will as the Ruler of the Queen's Navy?

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    So how, exactly, will these help us corner the Egyption cotton market?