today in death robots

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

death robotThe realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it.

These super-secret “sea drones” are sold practically on the open market and are basically tiny, fancier versions of the wire-guided torpedoes that have been around since, oh, 1945. They’re intended to blow up mines that Iran would use to close the Strait of Hormuz and stop tankers from bringing us our Gulf oil that Dick Cheney laid down his mortal life to obtain for us from Satan. Hippie peaceniks should like them, since they’re death machines designed to kill only other death machines, unless some Iranian minisub happens to get caught in the act of laying said mines. Hey, if your actual job title is “human torpedo,” you should probably know the risks involved.

Meanwhile, the pussies over at the State department are in Southeast Asia being all multilateral this, and peacefully resolving territorial disputes that, making an ever more solid case for the Law of the Sea Treaty that would provide a solid legal framework for that kind of jaw-jaw, which George Will Does Not Care For One Bit. LOLs, Hillary, didn’t you see “Battleship?” OK, sure, nobody saw that, but just go on any Internet forum and you’ll find EVERYBODY agrees with Admiral Will that all we need to put China in its place is a few hundred more warships and stealth fighters. And building all that military hardware will end the recession AND eliminate the deficit, just like it did in the ’80s.

So stop buying Nazi deathbot torpedoes, Pentagon, and buy American.

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  1. Mittens Howell, III

    Thinking of trading in my porche for an underwater death robot to distinguish myself from all those other mid-life crisis losers.

  2. Terry

    "Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche "

    They could have had death robots made much, much cheaper by creating a challenge among the engineering departments at US universities. The winners get scholarships and truckloads of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos.

    1. mavenmaven

      We could have simply shot the Mountain Dew and Taco Bell tacos at the Iranian mines, equally effective at blowing things up.

  3. ChernobylSoup

    Man, if one of those German subs breaks down it's going to cost a fortune to fix.

      1. Baconzgood

        I can't keep every body happy. It's just a temp. AVATAR until I return from vacation.

        1. MittBorg

          I wasn't complaining, really. This av's really cool. In a grossly disgustingly familiar embarrassing teenage stage sorta way. I think I owned pants that looked like that oncet.

  4. Callyson

    Christ, George Will is getting even crankier:

    Five former Republican secretaries of state (Henry Kissinger, George Shultz, James Baker, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice) support LOST, saying in a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece, “we would strengthen our capacity to influence deliberations and negotiations involving other nations’ attempts to extend their continental boundaries.” But would such influence be wielded vigorously by some administrations? And would this influence be superior to existing U.S. influence, particularly that of the U.S. Navy?

    Yeah–that sea is ours, dammit!

    …shameful that the Chamber of Commerce is campaigning for LOST through an organization with the Orwellian name the American Sovereignty Campaign.

    When a Reep is going up against the *Chamber of Commerce* you know he's really lost his marbles…

  5. Mittens Howell, III

    Underwater death robots were originally developed as a practical joke on Dick Cheney's waterboarding team.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Off topic at a slant, but I was just reading about the Spanish Inquisition and learned that waterboarding was apparently one of the Inquisition's top three torture methods. Suspension by the ankles or wrists was another, which leaves only the most commonly used method, the rack, as having not been fully endorsed by Chief Inquisitor Dick Cheney.

      1. James Michael Curley

        The technique during those days was a lot different than the method shown more recently. The wet handkerchief over the mouth and nose probably causes distress as far too much moisture gets inhaled. In the old days they built a platform that could be titled, then fitted a mask over your mouth and nose with a water reservoir below your chin. You were then tilted slowly until the water started to run into your nose and reach a level at your mouth.

        1. OneYieldRegular

          How awful. So the net difference is that instead of feeling like you're drowning, you feel like you're drowning.

  6. Preferred Customer

    If the Navy played its cards right, it could get James Cameron to bankroll this whole thing.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Though, this time, I want that freakingly huge diamond necklace for me…just me. Sure, I am a guy, but I'd wear it with pride.

  7. weejee

    There's a Catch 22 floatin' around here somewhere. Likely M&M Enterprises, the forerunner of Bain Kapital, snarfed it up.

  8. StealthMuslin

    Only problem with blowing shit up underwater?
    No Afghan wedding parties down there. USA!

  9. ChernobylSoup

    Think of all the dolphins that will have to move back in with their parents now that their jobs have been outsourced.

  10. Extemporanus

    Speaking of water robots, my wife helped give birth to one this week named Skippy.

    You can make him skip stones on a scenic pond in Sun Valley right from the comfort of your Cheetos-encrusted computer chair (toilet). It's to promote the resort, but I thought you nerds still might wanna check it out.

    He dies tomorrow at sundown.

    1. Goonemeritus

      You can never disassemble that, If you let me I will sit here skipping stones until your pond is a stone parking lot.

      1. Extemporanus

        Haha! They literally built Skippy from scratch in their conference room between client meetings, and handmade a few thousand custom clay stones in their break room, which were then baked in the oven.

        Her agency isn't named Eleven for nothin'!

      1. Extemporanus

        Especially considering that Skippy and his handlers are camped out 18 miles from the nearest WiFi signal. (He's really good friends with a satellite robot.)

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      I watched for a few minutes and even though people progressed through the line, I saw no stones a-skipping.

      TIDE – I watched again and saw two stones a-skipping. My daily recommended intake of entertainment has been satisfied.

      1. Extemporanus

        Oh no.

        I'm on a mobile and can't see the feed, but it was working 30 minutes ago when I could. Which one of you robomurderers killed Skippy?!

        (I'll call my wife.)

        DEIT- Johnny-5 is alive!!

    3. emmelemm

      I peeked. Did not see any stones skipping, but are those horses on the far side of the lake?

      ETA: I saw a stone!! Hooray!

      1. Extemporanus

        I believe those are actually dressage mules.(There was a mugshot of one of them on the site the other day, but it appears to have been disappeared.)

  11. Goonemeritus

    In terms of modern ordnance (something I am ashamed to admit I know something about) the price of a Porsche barely gets the Pentagon a pointy stick.

      1. Goonemeritus

        No I haven’t been in defense for about a decade now I make Hardware for a giant Wall Street firm you would know the name of. As you can see I continue to slide downhill.

        1. MittBorg

          We all have to make a living. Goodness knows, my self-righteous purity took a huge thump in the nads when I found out that the firm I worked for made military hardware and software (and just neglected to tell us about it); and I ended my career working for a company that basically runs armaments sales. They paid my mortgage. I pretended not to know and engaged in some vitriolic blogging for a few years. In the end, we leave it all behind. (Hugs Goonemeritus)

  12. SorosBot

    As they keep building more and more sophisticated death robots, someone really needs to sit the top Pentagon brass down and force them to watch Terminator one of these days.

    1. MittBorg

      Frank Zappa used to say that Americans are so greedy and shortsighted that they will happily participate in their own destruction if they're assured of a profit.

  13. owhatever

    Hello. What if they assign those Bots to work in the Great Salt Lake in Utah and disrupt the Mormon mind-meld fleet while it is baptizing dead Methodists?

          1. MittBorg

            Brilliant guess! You don't do worker's comp stuff, do you?

            Vibrator white finger is an RSI, although it doesn't seem to affect women that much. Constant jarring exposure to jackhammers and the like cause nerve damage in the hands that lead to loss of blood flow/feeling.

            I don't understand why Teh Laydeez are not suffering from this in droves. (Leers meaningfully)

  14. Not_So_Much

    I'm starting to think the morbidly obese tweens we have playing XBox in every household may wind up coming in handy.

    1. prommie

      That car was totally stolen from the album cover for Steppenwolfe's Not For Ladies Only.

  15. Dashboard Buddha

    Few things are as underrated as a good bowel movement, or as overrated as George Will.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Yes…the difference between a good bowel movement and George Will is that at least with the shit you leave behind there's a sense of relief and satisfaction.—

        1. HogeyeGrex

          Oh, I don't know. I think I'd find great relief and satisfaction flushing George Will down the loo, figuratively speaking of course.

          So I guess marketing really is everything. If you call it Shit, it gets underrated. If you call it George Will, it gets an op/ed column.

          Maybe I'll start saying "Gotta take a George Will" in the future.

          1. Dashboard Buddha

            “Gotta take a Will””Don't go in there for a bit…I left a George”—

    1. DustBowlBlues

      As an Old, let me say this is the truest thing I have read anywhere since I was . . .oops. My age is known only to the Social Security Administration.

  16. MLite

    George Will is a moderate Conservative and a real deep thinker. Since 2008, he thinks hard about taking the opposite side from whatever the President is doing. Then he goes and watches baseball.

  17. SorosBot

    Under the sea
    Under the sea
    Darling it's better
    Down where it's wetter
    Take it from me

  18. Antispandex

    I thought all of this "drill baby drill" shit, plus fracking, was making us all energy independent and stuff. How come the former masters of Europe can't ensure the free flow of their own crude?

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Ever since the Iranians launched those four photoshopped ICBMs I haven't really been too worried about their military capabilities — so really, we don't need Porsches to combat them — a couple of Volkswagon Golfs would probably do the trick.

  20. DustBowlBlues

    Is Major related to Junior? Or is MajorMM the most recent Nom d'plume for Junior?

    Finding out who's keeping the snark going is about the same as trying to figure out how many Chinese labor camps Mittens owns.

  21. ttommyunger

    Does the Porsche come with a naked hot chick bent over in front of it? If so, sign me up, Major!

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