the dull pain that you live with isn't getting any duller

Nobody’s Seen Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. For A Month, By The Way

Stay classy, AM radioWere you aware that Jesse Jackson, Jr., son of the famous Jesse Jackson that you all know from civil rights and such, is a Congressman, from Barack Obama and Rod Blagojevich’s socialist Chicago paradise? He is! Did you know that he hasn’t been in Congress or seen by anyone since June 10? That is also true, and the jokesters at WLS, Chicago’s favorite all-right-wing talk radio AM station, are having some fun with this fact, like with the silly get well card at right. He is supposedly suffering from “exhaustion,” which as far as we were aware is code for “Demi Moore likes to do whip-its” and is not a recognized medical condition. This story should stay hilarious, so long as the rumors that he tried to kill himself continue to not be true!

Here are some reasons why Jesse Jackson, Jr., might have gone on a “medical leave of absence”:

  • “Recently, we have been made aware that he has grappled with certain physical and emotional ailments privately for a long period of time,” his staff said in a statement. “At present, he is undergoing further evaluation and treatment at an in-patient medical facility. According to the preliminary diagnosis from his doctors, Congressman Jackson will need to receive extended in-patient treatment as well as continuing medical treatment thereafter.” (Haha, just kidding, that’s not a “reason” per se, it is meaningless vaguely medical-sounding mush.)
  • He cheated on his wife last year, and last month she said “As a wife, my primary concern is that of my children. I just want to make sure that they’re taken care of, provided for,” which seems like maybe she would have started that sentence with “as a mother” if she weren’t trying to imply something about how she feels about being Jesse Jackson Jr.’s wife!
  • Also he offered to raise a bunch of money for Rod Blagojevich if Blago would appoint him to Barack Obama’s Senate seat, haha, whoops.
  • Maybe drugs? Everyone in Hollywood who claims to be suffering from “exhaustion” is on drugs. But not even the Chicago AM radio guys are saying drugs, which means it’s almost certainly not drugs. Forget we said anything about it.

Anyway, whichever one of those things is correct, everyone just be aware that, according to everyone, the suicide attempt rumors are just rumors and Jesse Jackson Jr. is doing fine, wherever he may be. Some Democrats think that maybe he should appear for pictures or on TV, though, just to let us know he’s OK? You know, holding up a newspaper with today’s date on it or whatever. Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican. [WLS/Politico]

UPDATE: Jackson’s office released a statement tonight saying that he was undergoing “intensive medical treatment at a residential treatment facility for a mood disorder.” “Mood disorder” is a real but broad medical term that you can read about on Wikipedia.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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231 comments

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        What? Velcro straps? Shackles?
        Jesus, remember when all you had to do to shoes was just fuckin' tie them?

    1. Negropolis

      Must have been for a pretty high price…

      "I've got this thing, and it's fucking golden. I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing."

    1. MissTaken

      Yes, I keep getting glimpses of my congressman outside my BART station. He *claims* he's meeting the people to get votes, but I know he's really just scrounging around for dropped low-value tickets and free 5 Hour Energy handouts.

  1. Billmatic

    Obviously he's been implanted with a lizard egg that will eventually re purpose him into a drone for the shapeshifter conspiracy. Like, DUH.

      1. Extemporanus

        I'M NOT RACIALLY TRANSCENDENT! :-(

        I'd just finished off a PB&J, some string cheese, and a half-pint carton of chocolate milk — why yes, I am a second grader — when this post popped up. (I really wish that I were kidding. I mean, really.)

        Clearly, that wingnut God set me up.

    1. MittBorg

      Merle Flowers, no less. Apparently, the legislature has lost both Woods and Flowers in a single year.

      I didn't see anything about teh Ghey Scandal, tho, so I haz a disappoint.

    2. Terry

      Naw, he's into recreational drugs and cheap female hookers. Very mundane stuff given that he's in Congress.

    1. flamingpdog

      I'm gonna have to hate you for about the next 48-72 hours for that picture. Fortunately, I don't remember anything much longer than that these days.

    2. C_R_Eature

      "The Doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new kidney! The Doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new kidney!"

    3. MittBorg

      I can't believe this. I actually clicked that link again.

      I must be a really trusting soul, Weej. Either that, or you look like a *really* trustworthy guy.

    1. tessiee

      "Or the Clintons' drug trafficking."

      I'm pretty sure George Clinton's drug problems are common knowledge by now.

  2. Antispandex

    There are alot of things that could cause a guy to be out of it for a month or so, that have nothing to do with being ill. Especially in Washington. He could have accidentally seen Ann Coulter's cooch…OK, I'll give you that, it would make you sick, but for a month? Then there is the weather this time of year. I mean seriously, wouldn't Furnace Creek be just about as nice? Then there's the hot air blowing in off of the election…well, you get the point.

  3. ChessieNefercat

    " certain physical and emotional ailments "

    From my crisis center days, that has the very sad ring of dual diagnosis (addiction plus chemical imbalance/bi-polar, etc.). If so, it is a hellish combination and situation, horribly difficult to successfully treat and I am sorry for everyone involved.

  4. Chet Kincaid

    "Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican."

    Haha, you're not from around here, are you? There's a snowball's chance in Phoenix that would happen.

    1. Maman

      Hahaha…. Yeah, right, Chet. You forgot the year that Rostie got roasted and I ended up being represented a barely literate elephant stooge.

        1. bibliotequetress

          Real question to the folks who live there: is someone coming up the Democratic ranks who can take Jackson's place if he doesn't run again?

      1. fuflans

        are you in joe 'bigger bagger tool than cantor, barton, rand and mcconnell combined' walsh's district? hat's off if you are…

        but i think chet's right. most city areas would vote for an an australian bandicoot before a republican.

        and of course, cheat with union thugs to do so.

        1. Maman

          No, I am in the district formerly held by Dan Rostenkowski, Rod Blagojevich, Rahm Emanuel, and currently Mike Quigley firmly in the city of Chciago. But I ended up with Michael Flanagan for two years who was previously unemployed and did nothing in DC.

          1. fuflans

            HA! you're in the fifth! (for some reason i thought you were in the far far away burbs).

            (i totally forgot about flanagan. first major fight mr ex-fuflans and i had. not the last. he now lives in lake county and supports kirk…)

            my fav IL5 fact: we were first repped by stephan a douglas.

            we have baggage.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Sorry, but the only way a GOP critter wins in the deep South Side is if a) zombie Abe Lincoln shows up and runs on the GOP ticket (not knowing any better) or b) everyone who normally votes in that district moves away/gets killed by a heat wave. And even then its only a 1 in 20 chance the GOP candidate wins.

          1. Negropolis

            Or just elect the Green running. Point is, ain't no Republican winning on the South Side of Chicago.

    1. savethispatient

      Of course, the f-bomb may be describing the type of vacation there, not just adding emphasis.

  5. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    The difference is, when OneL Crazyeyes or Hoary Racist Goldbug Ron Paul go missing from Congress for months at a time, they still have the decency to make other public appearances, to raise gobs of money.

  6. ttommyunger

    This kid seems Hell-Bent on self destruction. His daddy and other old-school (like Vernon Jordan) can play the game for the long dollar and get away with it. Meanwhile, old work-horses like Congressman John Lewis just keep fighting the good fight.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      "I had this thought. And since I had this thought, it must be true. Because if it was an impossibility, I couldn't have possibly have had this thought and it would have been false."
      I think I'm starting to understand the logic of our post-fact society.

  7. Chet Kincaid

    The June 20 indictment of the guy who was allegedly the go-between in the scheme of getting Blago to appoint him Senator is the precipitating event, obviously. Jr. narrowly avoided getting indicted when the Blago shit first broke, and now the Feds are applying the nut-vise to somebody who could sing him under the jail. That's kind of stressful.

    As for the bimbo eruption, Jesus Fruhlinger, can't you work the tag/search system on this site?
    http://wonkette.com/422975/jesse-jackson-jr-admit

    I'll say again, for the record, I would hit it too, with all due velocity.

    1. Chichikovovich

      In the picture at the bottom? I would absolutely hit that. And the girl in the bikini isn't bad either.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Chet, mon chum, it's an old joke pattern. In fact I got it from joke template 3629B (photography subsection) in McTaggart's Reference Tables of Snark Standards and Practices 12th edition:

          "If there are two things x and y in the picture, and x is the obvious reference of some remark, then agreeing with the remark, and adding that it is also true of x, creates a humorous effect, when the original speaker of the remark understands you are ironically suggesting that the original speaker had meant y. Much wholesome amusement will result.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Well, the way they jump in the air like that – I could tell they were flipping their tails at me. And their trainers were so rude. What do marine biologists know about love?

          2. MissTaken

            I don't know about hitting that, she looks like she might smell a little fishy.

            And the dolphin looks like it might smell, too!

            Wocka wocka.

            it does work after all.

          3. Chichikovovich

            Absolutely! In humor, as in everything else, you can't go wrong with the classics. Quality never goes out of fashion.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    I wish all the best for Congressman Jackson and his family, but frankly, when the only thing the House seems capable of doing is to vote 33 times to repeal health care, he's not really missing much. They should hold a one-third vote now, just to make it a 33 & 1/3 record.

    1. emmelemm

      Well, Jesse Jr.'s vote would only count for 3/5 of a vote anyway, right?

      That was terrible, I'll show myself out.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, you see, after having married an action star, he was traded out for a baby…

  9. poorgradstudent

    And yet he's done his job better than the Representatives that made a doomed pointless vote to repeal HeritageFoundationCare Obamacare for the 33rd time.

    1. Madam Killjoy

      Heritage Foundation Care. This. This is what pisses me off the most. This entire mandate give-away to the Insurance Industry is a fucking Republican idea. And none, NOT ONE, of the so-called journalists ever even bothers to bring this up! In 1993, this was a Common Sensical Free Market Approach requiring people to Be Responsible for themselves and their families, with No Freeloaders. Now it's socialism / fascism / the death of the Constitution.
      I point this fact out to wingnuts my age and older (41) and they ask me to prove it. "Um… I was an adult, and living here, in the United States at the time and I was paying attention." If the Dems had an ounce of sense they would've made that point a gazzillion times when the R's very first started screaming socialism.
      Okay, wow. That was not funny at all. Sorry, but the subject is a stabby one. Give me a minute. I'll try to come up with a dick joke or something…

  10. Maman

    Damn! I guessed the wrong rehab facility. Andrea Mitchell reported he is in rehab in Arizona…. Being in Arizona seems punishment enough.

  11. JackObin

    Little Georgie Bush hasn't been seen for over a year. Perhaps he has become a missionary in the style of his favorite philosopher.

  12. MissTaken

    How the fuck does someone go away from their job for a month with no real explanation to their employer? I had to get a doctor's note saying I had the flu when I was out sick for 3 days last year to avoid being terminated for 'job abandonment'.

    1. flamingpdog

      They might not be so anxious if they had 434 other people not doing the same job you were not doing.

  13. annabellee1849

    Maybe he took a trip to Arizona where Jan Brewer became disoriented and confused since all those politicians look the same in her crazy eyes.

  14. flamingpdog

    I'm a-goin' to go look for him this weekend, after my slavemasters let me out of my cubicle. If I'm lucky, mebbe I'll find Kirsten while I'm out prowlin' about.

      1. flamingpdog

        I tried to the other night, but another Wonketeer got his/her/both sensitivities offended.

        Oh, and June 16 was her last post.

  15. Limeylizzie

    Apparently he is being treated for a "mood disorder". Cool, I have one of those every time I see Mitt, will Obamacare pay for mine?

    1. mavenmaven

      Mood things are so seventies, I think I still have one of those mood rings from grade school.

      1. savethispatient

        95/96 for me… but, to be fair, I have been revising those questions for my upcoming interview anyway.
        5 wrong on the other one, my lack of knowledge of the Big Mac is shocking.

        1. emmelemm

          Awwww sheeit. My score on the "real 'Murican" quiz was a bit embarrassing. To be fair, there were SPORTS questions on it. Bite me!

          1. bibliotequetress

            I am ashamed that I thought the Big Mac might have a nice healthy slice of quiescent tomato product on it. That means that Arizona cops can kick me out of the country, doesn't it.

          2. MittBorg

            Me too, which is why I'm mad. I shoulda remembered what bastards McDonalds were about paying tomato pickers a penny more per pound. Cheap bastards would rather deny us our healthful lycopenes than pay those poor schlubs a fucking penny, yaknow?

            Don't worry, darls. We'll toddle across the border together, hand in hand. Vancouver's pretty and livable and in a decade, it'll be as warm and sunny as California.

          3. bibliotequetress

            I do so want to be the modern Margaret Trudeau. But do you suppose the Canadians will start forming militias and put a wall at the border?

          4. MittBorg

            Let's hope they wait till we've crossed. Remember to say "Eh?" a lot, smile, and be real friendly and polite. I've got friends on the Other Side who'll take us in for a bit.

        2. va_real

          It is good to not know about Big Mac's. Even back in the days when I occasionally ate fast food, I never liked Mickey D's.

          I actually knew that one, but I had to sing the jingle in my head to get it.

          1. savethispatient

            Ah, yeah, I've heard mention of the Big Mac jingle before, but either I somehow missed it in Blighty – being solidly middle-class, I was only ever allowed to watch the advert-free BBC growing up – or it never made its way over in the first place.

      1. va_real

        You are a good citizen, Mittborg!

        In case you aren't joking, 'Free Bird' is a very long Lynyrd Skynyrd song. At the end of concerts it is often jokingly requested by hipsters holding up their cigarette lighters. Unless there are no hipsters in the audience. Then the request will be irony-free.

        1. MittBorg

          I'm not joking. I wasn't born in this country, and I don't think I ever listened to Western music until I was in my teens, and pop music, geez, I must've been in my late 20s when I discovered the Beatles. I'm still discovering Western music.

          1. va_real

            Lynyrd Skynyrd is a 'Southern Rock' band that became popular in the 70's. Southern Rock is a blend of psychedelic hard rock, blues + country & western. Hippies elsewhere were finding themselves, protesting the war & questioning authority, but in the South, these themes got mixed up with romantic notions of the defeated Confederate rebels & fucking with the feds. Lynyrd Skynyrd & the Allman Bros are the most famous Southern Rock bands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye5BuYf8q4o http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7A2acBVENA

            And here's a WSJ article about the tradition of yelling "Freebird" at concerts: http://on.wsj.com/7uAkQ

          2. MittBorg

            I'd heard them before, but I don't think I ever listened to them until after they died? Or something like that. I never heard Freebird. I love the Allman Brothers Band, I knew a woman from Athens, GA, who was living in Asia at the same time that I was, and she turned me on to them, and also to J.J. Cale. Thanks for all the information!

    1. bibliotequetress

      What does it mean that I kicked ass on your test & the real citizenship test but was all meh on the other (and lost some respect for Bogie for hanging out with that overripe asshat Sinatra). Am I only allowed to live in NY, MA, CA, and OR w/ special passes to Austin and Athens? Maybe I'm Canadian?

  16. RadioSlut

    Hmm, let me see….I wonder what it could be…. I mean completely disappeared for a month or so….sex change perhaps?

    1. radio-of-owls

      If so, the name change should be pretty easy to manage. (S)he's just got to switch it over to Jessi…with a heart for the dot over the i.

  17. mavenmaven

    Don't be surprised if he shows up on the Bristol show! Studios will engineer anything for ratings!

  18. shortsandpants

    Having a Repug coming from the south side would be a pretty great experiment, as long as there are no tar, feathers or rails there any more.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    Mood disorder?

    My frickin' job _is_ a mood disorder. Nobody's lettin' me disappear for a month because of it…

  20. mormos

    unrelated: anyone else praying Ron Paul wins in Nebraska on saturday so that hilarity can ensue at the RNC?

    1. lulzmonger

      Ohhh yes.

      The Interwebs need crazy like a wino needs Ripple. Don't let us down, Paulbots!

    2. DerrickWildcat

      The GOP Nebraska Jerk-offs are doing everything they can to avoid problems with the Paultards. http://nebraska.watchdog.org/23602/exclusive-secu

      The State Convention is going to be held 175 miles away from where most Nebraskans live, Lincoln and Omaha. However, I'm pretty sure 175 miles isn't going to deter Paultards from showing up and causing shit. I could be wrong, but there's not a lot of Paultards around here. I don't see them all over local forums like I see them on forums of other States.

  21. rocktonsam

    WLS, haha, Roe Conn is soooo much more funny without Garry Meier, so is Steve Dahl.

  22. Butch_Wagstaff

    You obviously did not grow up in duh Sowth. If you had, you'd have a very high tolerance for Memas. If they didn't live in the house with ya, there was probably one right next door.

    1. MittBorg

      No, I did not grow up in the South. And, I'm gonna share another little secret with you. Mema looks JUST LIKE my Evil Muvver. Sounds like her too, not the accent, obviously, but that same grating whine. It's all about how badly SHE's been treated by a cruel uncaring unappreciative world that doesn't share her racist prejudices and nasty, reactionary attitudes.

      YECH.

  23. CalamityJames

    Guess I'll be the snark-free party pooper today. As someone who suffers from painful, debilitating depression, I feel that the only thing to say is BACK THE FUCK OFF. Oh, and buttsecks and skullfucks for everyone!

    1. flamingpdog

      Yes, that was my same thought initially, but then I thought, hey, BUTTSECKS AND SKULLFUCKS FOR EVERYONE!

    2. MittBorg

      So do I, and nobody ever let me take a month off for it. They do let you take time off if you get strung out enough on the drugs you have to take to deal with it, though. So there's that.

      1. Crank_Tango

        Sometime I'll have to introduce you to the joys of FMLA. Back when I was a headset hooker (call center), I pioneered the extensive use of FMLA and short-term disability. Of course, it helped that the job was stressful, but what job isn't? Ask your doctor if a month off isn't right for you!

        Warning: side effects may include staying up all night, sleeping in, and never wanting to go back to that shitty job.

  24. johnnyzhivago

    OT: But I was just checking some links from Wonkville on Newsmax and I was surprised by the helpful health tips like:

    Eat This and the Fat Pours Out of You! I'm thinking, sulfuric acid?

    1. Designer_Radio

      Take a glass, fill with 3 inches of sugar, dump another inch of sulfuric acid on top of the sugar… watch as a black carbon phallus erupts from your glass. –Something remembered from science class.

      1. tessiee

        "watch as a black carbon phallus erupts"

        Let's totally do this, if for no other reason than to scare the wingnuts to death.

  25. fuflans

    sorry, OT but i just heard christopher plummer cite the beauty of 'christopher marlowe' before 'the bible'.

    this is why canadians are superior and also why everyone should always listen to jian ghomeshi.

    1. flamingpdog

      Any Biblical scholar will tell you that the Bible is more beautiful than Marlowe when it's in the original King James English that Jesus wrote it in.

      1. bibliotequetress

        That was a great interview, though I unfortunately fell asleep halfway through last night. Great but not quite fab enough to overcome 12 hours of work followed by 2 glasses of wine.
        And Jian's a hottie. Not that it helps on the radio.

  26. C_R_Eature

    Poor guy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's emotionally exhausted due to job stress.

    I mean…look at the people he's got to work with. If I had to deal with Boehner, Cantor, Issa and all those other teabaggers day after day I'd turn into a fuckin' Werewolf.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Waning crescent, 37% illumination. so there's plenty of time until…

        Hey, where'd you go?

  27. flamingpdog

    OT, but given the source, I kind of suspect that Condi can give up any hope she might have of being Mitten's running mate.

    EDIT: And while you're there (if you have the stomach), be sure to vote for whom you want Mittens to select as his running mate. I voted for Charlie Manson.

    1. MittBorg

      If Billy Kristol sez it, it's bound to be wrong.

      How can you possibly think of *anyone* but Dick Cheney for Romney's Veep? The old bastard even got a new heart so he'd be up to the job. I wonder what he did with the carcass of the child that used to own it. Probably ate it, wha'dya think?

        1. MittBorg

          That's how smart the (formerly) heartless bastard is — he made SURE he was the *stealth* President, and let the PretzelDunce take the blame.

      1. tessiee

        "I wonder what he did with the carcass of the child that used to own it. Probably ate it, wha'dya think?"

        Press Agent: Oh, Mr. Cheney, AGAIN?
        Dick: I can't help it! Their fear makes them taste so good!

  28. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Actually Jessie has been hanging out at my house and to tell the truth he's starting to get on my nerves. You'd think he could chip in on the groceries or beer once in while but noooooooooooo. And the farts…. don't get me started on the farts.

  29. Negropolis

    A "mood disorder" huh? So, that's what they kids are calling it, these days? You mean to tell me it took his office literally weeks to come up with "mood disorder"? I call bullshit. A mood disorder may very well be a part of this, maybe a big part, but certainly not the whole story.

      1. sudsmckenzie

        Waffen SS or GTFO

        … and i hope i can love you, … like those "totally' gay Lilliputians

  30. Negropolis

    Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican

    Hell, Chicago would sooner elect a child molestor than they would a Republican.

  31. radio-of-owls

    “Mood disorder” is a real but broad medical term that you can read about on Wikipedia.

    Know what else you can read about on Wikipedia? Polonium, that's what.

    1. MadBrahms

      When I heard he had exhaustion, my first thought was "Oregon Trail", actually, but I am a vintage nerd.

  32. ruperto32

    Jesse Jr. is having what used to be called a nervous breakdown. This is not surprising seeing how things have been going for him lately.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Shit, I take a half-hour longer at lunch than I'm allowed and my boss calls me. This guy's gone for three weeks and people are just noticing? I swear, if I wasn't too lazy to be that lazy, I'd run for congress.

    And really, Mr. Jackson, I hope you're doing well.

  34. Chet Kincaid

    OT: Is everybody getting "Mutually Beneficial Arrangements" as a "Premium Sponsor" of the Wonkette? Does blogads.com have a clue as to the demographics of Wonks? Because I thought we could barely scrape 2 nickels together for hobo beans, let alone stash a bimbo in an apartment downtown and pay for her kids' braces. And the ladies of Wonkette have a smidge more integrity than to let themselves be "arranged."

  35. elburritodeluxe

    I wish him well, but usually people seek mental health help after they have done something they should regret.

Comments are closed.