Nobody’s Seen Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. For A Month, By The Way

by Josh Fruhlinger

Stay classy, AM radioWere you aware that Jesse Jackson, Jr., son of the famous Jesse Jackson that you all know from civil rights and such, is a Congressman, from Barack Obama and Rod Blagojevich’s socialist Chicago paradise? He is! Did you know that he hasn’t been in Congress or seen by anyone since June 10? That is also true, and the jokesters at WLS, Chicago’s favorite all-right-wing talk radio AM station, are having some fun with this fact, like with the silly get well card at right. He is supposedly suffering from “exhaustion,” which as far as we were aware is code for “Demi Moore likes to do whip-its” and is not a recognized medical condition. This story should stay hilarious, so long as the rumors that he tried to kill himself continue to not be true!

Here are some reasons why Jesse Jackson, Jr., might have gone on a “medical leave of absence”:

  • “Recently, we have been made aware that he has grappled with certain physical and emotional ailments privately for a long period of time,” his staff said in a statement. “At present, he is undergoing further evaluation and treatment at an in-patient medical facility. According to the preliminary diagnosis from his doctors, Congressman Jackson will need to receive extended in-patient treatment as well as continuing medical treatment thereafter.” (Haha, just kidding, that’s not a “reason” per se, it is meaningless vaguely medical-sounding mush.)
  • He cheated on his wife last year, and last month she said “As a wife, my primary concern is that of my children. I just want to make sure that they’re taken care of, provided for,” which seems like maybe she would have started that sentence with “as a mother” if she weren’t trying to imply something about how she feels about being Jesse Jackson Jr.’s wife!
  • Also he offered to raise a bunch of money for Rod Blagojevich if Blago would appoint him to Barack Obama’s Senate seat, haha, whoops.
  • Maybe drugs? Everyone in Hollywood who claims to be suffering from “exhaustion” is on drugs. But not even the Chicago AM radio guys are saying drugs, which means it’s almost certainly not drugs. Forget we said anything about it.

Anyway, whichever one of those things is correct, everyone just be aware that, according to everyone, the suicide attempt rumors are just rumors and Jesse Jackson Jr. is doing fine, wherever he may be. Some Democrats think that maybe he should appear for pictures or on TV, though, just to let us know he’s OK? You know, holding up a newspaper with today’s date on it or whatever. Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican. [WLS/Politico]

UPDATE: Jackson’s office released a statement tonight saying that he was undergoing “intensive medical treatment at a residential treatment facility for a mood disorder.” “Mood disorder” is a real but broad medical term that you can read about on Wikipedia.

 

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{ 231 comments }

Barb July 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Maybe Mitt Romney bought him.

nounverb911 July 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I was just thinking that.

Antispandex July 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

…and is holding him in the Caymans?

Dashboard Buddha July 11, 2012 at 6:19 pm

If he did, I bet he bought him these.

Butch_Wagstaff July 11, 2012 at 8:31 pm

What? Velcro straps? Shackles?
Jesus, remember when all you had to do to shoes was just fuckin' tie them?

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Buy a politician? What has this country come to?

Madam Killjoy July 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Sauvignon Blanc, meet monitor.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 1:01 am

Must have been for a pretty high price…

"I've got this thing, and it's fucking golden. I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing."

nounverb911 July 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Has anyone seen the rest of congress in the past month either?

LetUsBray July 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

No, but it's not like I looked.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Sadly, yes.

lochnessmonster July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Hahahah made me laugh!

iburl July 11, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Don't you have to do something to become exhausted?

Callyson July 11, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I think they're all exhausted from their 31st attempt to repeal Obamacare.

MissTaken July 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Yes, I keep getting glimpses of my congressman outside my BART station. He *claims* he's meeting the people to get votes, but I know he's really just scrounging around for dropped low-value tickets and free 5 Hour Energy handouts.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I thought your Congresscritter was Nancy P.

TheLifeSilica July 11, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Well, the House voted to appeal Obamacare today, so clearly they're still busy trying to look busy.

nounverb911 July 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Is he in his father's mythical "Hymie Town"?

Maman July 11, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Is that near Funky Town?

Dashboard Buddha July 11, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Won't you take me?

Angry_Marmot July 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Sure, bring your flashlight.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:29 am

I don't know; last time I went there, everybody was kung fu fighting.

Dashboard Buddha July 12, 2012 at 4:18 am

I bet that was a little bit frightening.

12X34X July 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

The way I heard it, he forgot to set his strawberry alarm clock.

Preacher_Griz July 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I heard that it got out in the negro community that he secretly supports that Romney fellow

Billmatic July 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Obviously he's been implanted with a lizard egg that will eventually re purpose him into a drone for the shapeshifter conspiracy. Like, DUH.

Estproph July 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I suspect aliens.

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Someone should put his face on a chocolate milk carton.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I shouldn't, but I did, laugh.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

That's hilarious. Thanks!

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 6:11 pm

You're just as funny as a wingnut!

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I'M NOT RACIALLY TRANSCENDENT! :-(

I'd just finished off a PB&J, some string cheese, and a half-pint carton of chocolate milk — why yes, I am a second grader — when this post popped up. (I really wish that I were kidding. I mean, really.)

Clearly, that wingnut God set me up.

Maman July 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

He had some sort of bimbo explosion bit back so I am going with rehab. Does Hazelden do that kind of rehab?

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Didn't Brit Favruh go there for the pills and such, but not for dickpics?

elviouslyqueer July 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Well, at least we haven't heard that Jesse Jr. is stepping down to "spend more time with his family," which is usually code for a gay scandal just minutes from happening.

weejee July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Will we have blow-by-blow live blogging???

smokefilledroommate July 11, 2012 at 5:48 pm

They need to stop using the term "stepping down" when that happens and start using "widening his stance".

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Merle Flowers, no less. Apparently, the legislature has lost both Woods and Flowers in a single year.

I didn't see anything about teh Ghey Scandal, tho, so I haz a disappoint.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:31 am

Wait…
They're surprised that a guy named MERLE FLOWERS is gay?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Yeah, I mean, how much worse could this guy's problems possibly be? I guess his parents could've named him "Sue."

Limeylizzie July 11, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Merle Flowers and Madam?

Butch_Wagstaff July 11, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I was just wondering if Merle was related to Wayland.

Terry July 11, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Naw, he's into recreational drugs and cheap female hookers. Very mundane stuff given that he's in Congress.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 1:03 am

Nah. He's a Democrat.

CountryClubJihadi July 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm

WhiteWimminitis.

weejee July 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I vote for door #2, new girrl friend.

elviouslyqueer July 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm

SEXYTIME.

smokefilledroommate July 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Sheesh–I forgot all about Memaw. I kinda wanted to keep it that way.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I'm gonna have to hate you for about the next 48-72 hours for that picture. Fortunately, I don't remember anything much longer than that these days.

C_R_Eature July 12, 2012 at 6:49 am

"The Doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new kidney! The Doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new kidney!"

elviouslyqueer July 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

It's Shake and Bake, and AH HEP'D.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I can't believe this. I actually clicked that link again.

I must be a really trusting soul, Weej. Either that, or you look like a *really* trustworthy guy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Clearly someone found out the truth about Obama's Birth Certificate. Or the Clintons' drug trafficking.

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 6:24 pm

So we should start looking in Gitmo?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Damn, I should have thought of that. It now all makes sense!

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Or Woodrow Wilson's long-rumored morphine "brain tonic" addiction.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 11, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Who knows, maybe he got a photo of FDR in his wheelchair.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:22 pm

He and Vince Foster are probably playing Old Maid in Hell at this very moment.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:33 am

"Or the Clintons' drug trafficking."

I'm pretty sure George Clinton's drug problems are common knowledge by now.

sharethegrief July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I think he's spying for the CIA in Pakistan because obviously he's black.

Antispandex July 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

There are alot of things that could cause a guy to be out of it for a month or so, that have nothing to do with being ill. Especially in Washington. He could have accidentally seen Ann Coulter's cooch…OK, I'll give you that, it would make you sick, but for a month? Then there is the weather this time of year. I mean seriously, wouldn't Furnace Creek be just about as nice? Then there's the hot air blowing in off of the election…well, you get the point.

Dashboard Buddha July 11, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Christ…just reading that made me sick.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

" certain physical and emotional ailments "

From my crisis center days, that has the very sad ring of dual diagnosis (addiction plus chemical imbalance/bi-polar, etc.). If so, it is a hellish combination and situation, horribly difficult to successfully treat and I am sorry for everyone involved.

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

"Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican."

Haha, you're not from around here, are you? There's a snowball's chance in Phoenix that would happen.

Maman July 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Hahaha…. Yeah, right, Chet. You forgot the year that Rostie got roasted and I ended up being represented a barely literate elephant stooge.

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Not going to happen, in a district that is 62% black and 10% hispanic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illinois%27s_2nd_con

But I'll ask around the neighborhood, just to doublecheck.

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 8:23 am

Real question to the folks who live there: is someone coming up the Democratic ranks who can take Jackson's place if he doesn't run again?

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 9:17 pm

are you in joe 'bigger bagger tool than cantor, barton, rand and mcconnell combined' walsh's district? hat's off if you are…

but i think chet's right. most city areas would vote for an an australian bandicoot before a republican.

and of course, cheat with union thugs to do so.

Maman July 11, 2012 at 10:26 pm

No, I am in the district formerly held by Dan Rostenkowski, Rod Blagojevich, Rahm Emanuel, and currently Mike Quigley firmly in the city of Chciago. But I ended up with Michael Flanagan for two years who was previously unemployed and did nothing in DC.

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 10:45 pm

HA! you're in the fifth! (for some reason i thought you were in the far far away burbs).

(i totally forgot about flanagan. first major fight mr ex-fuflans and i had. not the last. he now lives in lake county and supports kirk…)

my fav IL5 fact: we were first repped by stephan a douglas.

we have baggage.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I have a Bandicoot. But he's not running for office. Thank goodness.

BerkeleyBear July 11, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Sorry, but the only way a GOP critter wins in the deep South Side is if a) zombie Abe Lincoln shows up and runs on the GOP ticket (not knowing any better) or b) everyone who normally votes in that district moves away/gets killed by a heat wave. And even then its only a 1 in 20 chance the GOP candidate wins.

bobbert July 12, 2012 at 12:38 am

Dems still gotta run a candidate.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 1:20 am

Or just elect the Green running. Point is, ain't no Republican winning on the South Side of Chicago.

savethispatient July 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Jesse Jackson Jr.: "Can't I just have a fucking vacation in peace?"

savethispatient July 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Of course, the f-bomb may be describing the type of vacation there, not just adding emphasis.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 11, 2012 at 5:48 pm

The difference is, when OneL Crazyeyes or Hoary Racist Goldbug Ron Paul go missing from Congress for months at a time, they still have the decency to make other public appearances, to raise gobs of money.

ttommyunger July 11, 2012 at 5:51 pm

This kid seems Hell-Bent on self destruction. His daddy and other old-school (like Vernon Jordan) can play the game for the long dollar and get away with it. Meanwhile, old work-horses like Congressman John Lewis just keep fighting the good fight.

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 9:25 pm

he should have been born to hollywood royalty. not political…

bandidaglobal July 12, 2012 at 12:50 am

hello!!!

phlox✔ July 11, 2012 at 5:51 pm

It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I feel like I am having deja vu here…

phlox✔ July 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Haha. I recycle my comments because… THE ENVIRONMENT.

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 7:41 pm

This is good news for McCain. See? I'm green too.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Yes, but if McCain is green, it's probably due to, as J.P. Donleavy might say, long and continued wear.

Butch_Wagstaff July 11, 2012 at 8:58 pm

"I had this thought. And since I had this thought, it must be true. Because if it was an impossibility, I couldn't have possibly have had this thought and it would have been false."
I think I'm starting to understand the logic of our post-fact society.

Guppy July 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Start checking the passenger lists on flights coming from Argentina.

nounverb911 July 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Or the Appalachian Trail.

smokefilledroommate July 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Maybe he's hangin' with Mr. Cooper.

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm

The June 20 indictment of the guy who was allegedly the go-between in the scheme of getting Blago to appoint him Senator is the precipitating event, obviously. Jr. narrowly avoided getting indicted when the Blago shit first broke, and now the Feds are applying the nut-vise to somebody who could sing him under the jail. That's kind of stressful.

As for the bimbo eruption, Jesus Fruhlinger, can't you work the tag/search system on this site?
http://wonkette.com/422975/jesse-jackson-jr-admit

I'll say again, for the record, I would hit it too, with all due velocity.

Chichikovovich July 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

In the picture at the bottom? I would absolutely hit that. And the girl in the bikini isn't bad either.

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Huh? There's only one picture on the bottom of that page.

Chichikovovich July 11, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Chet, mon chum, it's an old joke pattern. In fact I got it from joke template 3629B (photography subsection) in McTaggart's Reference Tables of Snark Standards and Practices 12th edition:

"If there are two things x and y in the picture, and x is the obvious reference of some remark, then agreeing with the remark, and adding that it is also true of x, creates a humorous effect, when the original speaker of the remark understands you are ironically suggesting that the original speaker had meant y. Much wholesome amusement will result.

Chet Kincaid July 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Oh, OK. Is this the reason for your lifetime ban from Sea World?

MissTaken July 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I don't know about hitting that, she looks like she might smell a little fishy.

And the dolphin looks like it might smell, too!

Wocka wocka.

it does work after all.

not that Radio July 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I recently employed that exact same joke template, and got exactly the same kind of response (although not from Chet). Is this indicative of a morale problem?

Angry_Marmot July 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Damnit, I thought "dolphin" was a brand of vibrator.

OneYieldRegular July 11, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I wish all the best for Congressman Jackson and his family, but frankly, when the only thing the House seems capable of doing is to vote 33 times to repeal health care, he's not really missing much. They should hold a one-third vote now, just to make it a 33 & 1/3 record.

Chichikovovich July 11, 2012 at 6:17 pm

And then they'll go for 45, and then 78….

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Well, Jesse Jr.'s vote would only count for 3/5 of a vote anyway, right?

That was terrible, I'll show myself out.

Not_So_Much July 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Whatevs. Tell me more about this Demi Moore lady perhaps having poor judgement?

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 1:13 am

Well, you see, after having married an action star, he was traded out for a baby…

poorgradstudent July 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm

And yet he's done his job better than the Representatives that made a doomed pointless vote to repeal HeritageFoundationCare Obamacare for the 33rd time.

Madam Killjoy July 11, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Heritage Foundation Care. This. This is what pisses me off the most. This entire mandate give-away to the Insurance Industry is a fucking Republican idea. And none, NOT ONE, of the so-called journalists ever even bothers to bring this up! In 1993, this was a Common Sensical Free Market Approach requiring people to Be Responsible for themselves and their families, with No Freeloaders. Now it's socialism / fascism / the death of the Constitution.
I point this fact out to wingnuts my age and older (41) and they ask me to prove it. "Um… I was an adult, and living here, in the United States at the time and I was paying attention." If the Dems had an ounce of sense they would've made that point a gazzillion times when the R's very first started screaming socialism.
Okay, wow. That was not funny at all. Sorry, but the subject is a stabby one. Give me a minute. I'll try to come up with a dick joke or something…

Maman July 11, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Damn! I guessed the wrong rehab facility. Andrea Mitchell reported he is in rehab in Arizona…. Being in Arizona seems punishment enough.

Blueb4sunrise July 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

So I'm guessing we shouldn't invite him if there's a Wonkette Drinky thing in Az.?

JackObin July 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Little Georgie Bush hasn't been seen for over a year. Perhaps he has become a missionary in the style of his favorite philosopher.

MissTaken July 11, 2012 at 6:31 pm

How the fuck does someone go away from their job for a month with no real explanation to their employer? I had to get a doctor's note saying I had the flu when I was out sick for 3 days last year to avoid being terminated for 'job abandonment'.

Barrelhse July 11, 2012 at 6:36 pm

You need a new pimp.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:30 pm

They might not be so anxious if they had 434 other people not doing the same job you were not doing.

CountryClubJihadi July 11, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I'ma let you finish, but what are you wearing on Friday?

Barrelhse July 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Kinda like Jennifer Wilbanks.

annabellee1849 July 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Maybe he took a trip to Arizona where Jan Brewer became disoriented and confused since all those politicians look the same in her crazy eyes.

johnnyzhivago July 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Any UFO sightings in Chicago???? That would be my first guess.

Designer_Radio July 12, 2012 at 12:14 am

First guess? Mine would be C.H.U.D.s.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Jesse Who?

Butch_Wagstaff July 11, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Also, AM whu?

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I'm a-goin' to go look for him this weekend, after my slavemasters let me out of my cubicle. If I'm lucky, mebbe I'll find Kirsten while I'm out prowlin' about.

PubOption July 11, 2012 at 8:03 pm

When did she disappear? Sometime in June? Start the conspiracy theories now.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I tried to the other night, but another Wonketeer got his/her/both sensitivities offended.

Oh, and June 16 was her last post.

Designer_Radio July 12, 2012 at 12:11 am

Maybe she has a mood disorder?

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I miss her.

littlebigdaddy July 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

He crossed Rahm. Nuff said.

Limeylizzie July 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Apparently he is being treated for a "mood disorder". Cool, I have one of those every time I see Mitt, will Obamacare pay for mine?

mavenmaven July 11, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Mood things are so seventies, I think I still have one of those mood rings from grade school.

va_real July 11, 2012 at 7:48 pm
emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I only got 92 out of 96. I am disappoint.

va_real July 11, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I got 93 of 96 on the 1st quiz, but missed 5 on the second one.

smokefilledroommate July 12, 2012 at 4:43 am

Think you can spell? Try our Spelling Bee quiz!

Question 1 of 96:

Spell misanthrope :

a: missanthorpe
b: misanthrope
c: massengill
d: Bugs Bunny

savethispatient July 11, 2012 at 9:35 pm

95/96 for me… but, to be fair, I have been revising those questions for my upcoming interview anyway.
5 wrong on the other one, my lack of knowledge of the Big Mac is shocking.

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Awwww sheeit. My score on the "real 'Murican" quiz was a bit embarrassing. To be fair, there were SPORTS questions on it. Bite me!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:08 am

That and shit like what comes on a MacDonald's burger. Who the fuck eats that shit?

va_real July 11, 2012 at 9:53 pm

It is good to not know about Big Mac's. Even back in the days when I occasionally ate fast food, I never liked Mickey D's.

I actually knew that one, but I had to sing the jingle in my head to get it.

savethispatient July 11, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Ah, yeah, I've heard mention of the Big Mac jingle before, but either I somehow missed it in Blighty – being solidly middle-class, I was only ever allowed to watch the advert-free BBC growing up – or it never made its way over in the first place.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:07 am

I scored perfect on the citizenship test.

The pop culture shit, I barely scored over 50%. WTF is Free Bird?

va_real July 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm

You are a good citizen, Mittborg!

In case you aren't joking, 'Free Bird' is a very long Lynyrd Skynyrd song. At the end of concerts it is often jokingly requested by hipsters holding up their cigarette lighters. Unless there are no hipsters in the audience. Then the request will be irony-free.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I'm not joking. I wasn't born in this country, and I don't think I ever listened to Western music until I was in my teens, and pop music, geez, I must've been in my late 20s when I discovered the Beatles. I'm still discovering Western music.

va_real July 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Lynyrd Skynyrd is a 'Southern Rock' band that became popular in the 70's. Southern Rock is a blend of psychedelic hard rock, blues + country & western. Hippies elsewhere were finding themselves, protesting the war & questioning authority, but in the South, these themes got mixed up with romantic notions of the defeated Confederate rebels & fucking with the feds. Lynyrd Skynyrd & the Allman Bros are the most famous Southern Rock bands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye5BuYf8q4o http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7A2acBVENA

And here's a WSJ article about the tradition of yelling "Freebird" at concerts: http://on.wsj.com/7uAkQ

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Although I score just as poorly on your test, I still like it better than the other bullshit test.

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

What does it mean that I kicked ass on your test & the real citizenship test but was all meh on the other (and lost some respect for Bogie for hanging out with that overripe asshat Sinatra). Am I only allowed to live in NY, MA, CA, and OR w/ special passes to Austin and Athens? Maybe I'm Canadian?

RadioSlut July 11, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Hmm, let me see….I wonder what it could be…. I mean completely disappeared for a month or so….sex change perhaps?

not that Radio July 11, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Maybe there was a really long line at the bank.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:09 am

Is that YOU, sweetie? (Hugs the Radio)

not that Dewey July 12, 2012 at 12:25 am

Or maybe he just changed his name for a month, and nobody recognized him.

radio-of-owls July 12, 2012 at 1:07 am

If so, the name change should be pretty easy to manage. (S)he's just got to switch it over to Jessi…with a heart for the dot over the i.

RadioSlut July 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I'm thinking of changing my nom de guerreblog to User-of Scowls. Whatcha think?

mavenmaven July 11, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Don't be surprised if he shows up on the Bristol show! Studios will engineer anything for ratings!

glasspusher July 11, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Yeah, I snorted too much heatstroke one time myself…

Maman July 11, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Oooh. Now they are saying "mood" disorder. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking

I wonder if it the "He's an asshole when he drinks" kind or Bipolar?

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 9:35 pm

My ex- could honestly lay claim to both.

glasspusher July 11, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I think the treatment centers for that are called "bars"

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 1:16 am

Yes.

shortsandpants July 11, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Having a Repug coming from the south side would be a pretty great experiment, as long as there are no tar, feathers or rails there any more.

randcoolcatdaddy July 11, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Mood disorder?

My frickin' job _is_ a mood disorder. Nobody's lettin' me disappear for a month because of it…

mormos July 11, 2012 at 8:28 pm

unrelated: anyone else praying Ron Paul wins in Nebraska on saturday so that hilarity can ensue at the RNC?

lulzmonger July 12, 2012 at 2:05 am

Ohhh yes.

The Interwebs need crazy like a wino needs Ripple. Don't let us down, Paulbots!

DerrickWildcat July 12, 2012 at 3:03 am

The GOP Nebraska Jerk-offs are doing everything they can to avoid problems with the Paultards. http://nebraska.watchdog.org/23602/exclusive-secu

The State Convention is going to be held 175 miles away from where most Nebraskans live, Lincoln and Omaha. However, I'm pretty sure 175 miles isn't going to deter Paultards from showing up and causing shit. I could be wrong, but there's not a lot of Paultards around here. I don't see them all over local forums like I see them on forums of other States.

rocktonsam July 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm

WLS, haha, Roe Conn is soooo much more funny without Garry Meier, so is Steve Dahl.

Slim_Pickins July 11, 2012 at 8:50 pm

He is in an Al Qaeda training camp in Yemen.

Butch_Wagstaff July 11, 2012 at 8:51 pm

You obviously did not grow up in duh Sowth. If you had, you'd have a very high tolerance for Memas. If they didn't live in the house with ya, there was probably one right next door.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 11:45 pm

No, I did not grow up in the South. And, I'm gonna share another little secret with you. Mema looks JUST LIKE my Evil Muvver. Sounds like her too, not the accent, obviously, but that same grating whine. It's all about how badly SHE's been treated by a cruel uncaring unappreciative world that doesn't share her racist prejudices and nasty, reactionary attitudes.

YECH.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:32 am

*pats MittBorg comfortingly*
There, their, they're.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Thank you.

CalamityJames July 11, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Guess I'll be the snark-free party pooper today. As someone who suffers from painful, debilitating depression, I feel that the only thing to say is BACK THE FUCK OFF. Oh, and buttsecks and skullfucks for everyone!

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Yes, that was my same thought initially, but then I thought, hey, BUTTSECKS AND SKULLFUCKS FOR EVERYONE!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:12 am

So do I, and nobody ever let me take a month off for it. They do let you take time off if you get strung out enough on the drugs you have to take to deal with it, though. So there's that.

Crank_Tango July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Sometime I'll have to introduce you to the joys of FMLA. Back when I was a headset hooker (call center), I pioneered the extensive use of FMLA and short-term disability. Of course, it helped that the job was stressful, but what job isn't? Ask your doctor if a month off isn't right for you!

Warning: side effects may include staying up all night, sleeping in, and never wanting to go back to that shitty job.

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

I would give my left tit for a month off. Really. Take it.

MittBorg July 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

We need to talk, dude.

Crank_Tango July 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Just add gmail to my name, mitt, sans underscores.

johnnyzhivago July 11, 2012 at 9:11 pm

OT: But I was just checking some links from Wonkville on Newsmax and I was surprised by the helpful health tips like:

Eat This and the Fat Pours Out of You! I'm thinking, sulfuric acid?

glasspusher July 11, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Sodium hydroxide is much better for hydrolysis of fats. Soap, anyone?

johnnyzhivago July 11, 2012 at 11:54 pm
glasspusher July 12, 2012 at 12:07 am

Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you feeling hollow inside…

Designer_Radio July 12, 2012 at 12:05 am

Take a glass, fill with 3 inches of sugar, dump another inch of sulfuric acid on top of the sugar… watch as a black carbon phallus erupts from your glass. –Something remembered from science class.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:40 am

"watch as a black carbon phallus erupts"

Let's totally do this, if for no other reason than to scare the wingnuts to death.

C_R_Eature July 12, 2012 at 5:04 am

So that's where Allan West came from?

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 9:29 pm

he's clearing brush with george bush.

or possibly playing golf with bams.

i mean really. who misses congress?

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I kinda miss the sexual kind.

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 9:33 pm

sorry, OT but i just heard christopher plummer cite the beauty of 'christopher marlowe' before 'the bible'.

this is why canadians are superior and also why everyone should always listen to jian ghomeshi.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Any Biblical scholar will tell you that the Bible is more beautiful than Marlowe when it's in the original King James English that Jesus wrote it in.

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

That was a great interview, though I unfortunately fell asleep halfway through last night. Great but not quite fab enough to overcome 12 hours of work followed by 2 glasses of wine.
And Jian's a hottie. Not that it helps on the radio.

Baba_NinjaCat12 July 11, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Likely that, Lil' Jesse is in his room being grounded by his father.

C_R_Eature July 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Poor guy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's emotionally exhausted due to job stress.

I mean…look at the people he's got to work with. If I had to deal with Boehner, Cantor, Issa and all those other teabaggers day after day I'd turn into a fuckin' Werewolf.

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Maybe it was some Rethugliklan silver-lipped bullshitet that got him.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:14 am

Uh … (backs away slowly) … you wouldn't happen to know what phase of the moon we're in, would you? (Flees at high speed)

C_R_Eature July 12, 2012 at 5:50 am

Waning crescent, 37% illumination. so there's plenty of time until…

Hey, where'd you go?

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 10:38 pm

OT, but given the source, I kind of suspect that Condi can give up any hope she might have of being Mitten's running mate.

EDIT: And while you're there (if you have the stomach), be sure to vote for whom you want Mittens to select as his running mate. I voted for Charlie Manson.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 12:17 am

If Billy Kristol sez it, it's bound to be wrong.

How can you possibly think of *anyone* but Dick Cheney for Romney's Veep? The old bastard even got a new heart so he'd be up to the job. I wonder what he did with the carcass of the child that used to own it. Probably ate it, wha'dya think?

flamingpdog July 12, 2012 at 12:24 am

Dick Cheney can't run as Mitt's VP – he's already been President for eight years.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That's how smart the (formerly) heartless bastard is — he made SURE he was the *stealth* President, and let the PretzelDunce take the blame.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:43 am

"I wonder what he did with the carcass of the child that used to own it. Probably ate it, wha'dya think?"

Press Agent: Oh, Mr. Cheney, AGAIN?
Dick: I can't help it! Their fear makes them taste so good!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Mary? Mary Cheney, is that you?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 11, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Actually Jessie has been hanging out at my house and to tell the truth he's starting to get on my nerves. You'd think he could chip in on the groceries or beer once in while but noooooooooooo. And the farts…. don't get me started on the farts.

Negropolis July 11, 2012 at 11:56 pm

A "mood disorder" huh? So, that's what they kids are calling it, these days? You mean to tell me it took his office literally weeks to come up with "mood disorder"? I call bullshit. A mood disorder may very well be a part of this, maybe a big part, but certainly not the whole story.

sudsmckenzie July 12, 2012 at 12:24 am

Come to think of it, I haven't seen Breitbart in a while either.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:43 am

At least Jesse would look good in a fake suit of armor.

sudsmckenzie July 12, 2012 at 6:22 am

Waffen SS or GTFO

… and i hope i can love you, … like those "totally' gay Lilliputians

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 12:38 am

Also, probably he should decide whether he’s going to run for Congress in November, because it would be kind of embarrassing to have the South Side of Chicago represented by a Republican

Hell, Chicago would sooner elect a child molestor than they would a Republican.

TribecaMike July 12, 2012 at 12:50 am

Rehab — It's not just for Republicans y'all.

radio-of-owls July 12, 2012 at 12:57 am

“Mood disorder” is a real but broad medical term that you can read about on Wikipedia.

Know what else you can read about on Wikipedia? Polonium, that's what.

flamingpdog July 12, 2012 at 1:38 am

You know how many thousands of people die every day from the effects of being Po?

Steverino247 July 12, 2012 at 2:01 am

No, but here's a good estimate about how many smokers die from it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC25096

not that Dewey July 12, 2012 at 9:06 am

Know what else you can read about on Wikipedia? Yeah, that's right. NIck Cave Dolls.

radio-of-owls July 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

That's a riot!

not that Dewey July 13, 2012 at 8:06 am

HUNGER-STRIKING PUSSY RIOT

I'm still working on my headline-writing skills, obviously.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:35 am

Maybe he's hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 8:29 am

Or fording the Chicago Portage.

MadBrahms July 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

When I heard he had exhaustion, my first thought was "Oregon Trail", actually, but I am a vintage nerd.

ruperto32 July 12, 2012 at 1:43 am

Jesse Jr. is having what used to be called a nervous breakdown. This is not surprising seeing how things have been going for him lately.

Generation[redacted] July 12, 2012 at 1:59 am

If he doesn't come back, can I buy his seat?

SayItWithWookies July 12, 2012 at 2:05 am

Shit, I take a half-hour longer at lunch than I'm allowed and my boss calls me. This guy's gone for three weeks and people are just noticing? I swear, if I wasn't too lazy to be that lazy, I'd run for congress.

And really, Mr. Jackson, I hope you're doing well.

dogscantlookup July 12, 2012 at 2:29 am

Nepotism, what's dat furen fur?
A yes, suck sess!

DahBoner July 12, 2012 at 6:54 am

He's wearing an ice bag beret!!!!!

Chet Kincaid July 12, 2012 at 9:19 am

OT: Is everybody getting "Mutually Beneficial Arrangements" as a "Premium Sponsor" of the Wonkette? Does blogads.com have a clue as to the demographics of Wonks? Because I thought we could barely scrape 2 nickels together for hobo beans, let alone stash a bimbo in an apartment downtown and pay for her kids' braces. And the ladies of Wonkette have a smidge more integrity than to let themselves be "arranged."

prommie July 12, 2012 at 10:06 am

I think the medical term is "koo koo for cocoapuffs"

elburritodeluxe July 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

I wish him well, but usually people seek mental health help after they have done something they should regret.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Non Serviam.

Blueb4sunrise July 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Howdy.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Pleased to meet you!
Won't you guess my name?

Blueb4sunrise July 12, 2012 at 10:49 pm

NO!!!!!!!!!!!

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Hey, man, you STARTED it!

Chichikovovich July 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Well, the way they jump in the air like that – I could tell they were flipping their tails at me. And their trainers were so rude. What do marine biologists know about love?

Chichikovovich July 11, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Absolutely! In humor, as in everything else, you can't go wrong with the classics. Quality never goes out of fashion.

tessiee July 12, 2012 at 1:37 am

"Scooby Doo can do, but Jimmy Carter is smarter"

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I'd heard them before, but I don't think I ever listened to them until after they died? Or something like that. I never heard Freebird. I love the Allman Brothers Band, I knew a woman from Athens, GA, who was living in Asia at the same time that I was, and she turned me on to them, and also to J.J. Cale. Thanks for all the information!

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

I am ashamed that I thought the Big Mac might have a nice healthy slice of quiescent tomato product on it. That means that Arizona cops can kick me out of the country, doesn't it.

MittBorg July 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Me too, which is why I'm mad. I shoulda remembered what bastards McDonalds were about paying tomato pickers a penny more per pound. Cheap bastards would rather deny us our healthful lycopenes than pay those poor schlubs a fucking penny, yaknow?

Don't worry, darls. We'll toddle across the border together, hand in hand. Vancouver's pretty and livable and in a decade, it'll be as warm and sunny as California.

bibliotequetress July 13, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I do so want to be the modern Margaret Trudeau. But do you suppose the Canadians will start forming militias and put a wall at the border?

MittBorg July 14, 2012 at 1:38 am

Let's hope they wait till we've crossed. Remember to say "Eh?" a lot, smile, and be real friendly and polite. I've got friends on the Other Side who'll take us in for a bit.

MittBorg July 14, 2012 at 1:38 am

Did you ever see Missouri Breaks?

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