we think we just got stupider

‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’

Willow Palin: why so serious?Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because “homosexuals.” Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don’t remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it’s “Valentimes” Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp.

But if things are jiving just right between Gino and Bristol — despite her not putting out, according to her — things are coming to a head between Bristol and her sister Willow, who is very aggressive and has a sort of mannish affect, very Rosie O’Donnell, you know, but not jolly?

Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow.

But then! Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven! And finally, after the third “Be-Gone!” Willow goes, and then Bristol spends the rest of the episode complaining to everyone that Willow “left her hanging” and abandoned her during the cookery.

And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

So a) Did Bristol even watch this episode? And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?

Neither Bristol nor Willow is a nice person, though Willow’s version is more aggressive and Bristol’s more feminine and passively spiteful. We didn’t watch the second ep, about Tripp crying in the Iditarod Pup Race or whatever, because it turns out the amount he was in the premiere (about two minutes) is really about all we want to see of Young Master Tripp.

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

Until next week!

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • nounverb911

    ‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’
    She got knocked up?

    • ChessieNefercat

      She realized she's a Palin?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      If that's Willow's pic up there, I'd say you're probly right. She's looking puffy like a pregnant woman.

      • Biff

        Sounds more lesbian to me.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Lesbians don't get pregnant that often. Although you wouldn't know that from Noe Valley.

          • Biff

            How does lesbian get pragnant? How is lesbian babby form?Spent many of my formative years in Noe Valley, Collingwood St. between 18th & 19th across from the playground…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            My favourite sushi place was there and for many years, I would commute down to my job on the peninsula, and drive home via a stop for sushi in Noe Valley. The last time I was there, it seemed like every fucking woman within a mile was either pushing a baby carriage or a baby bump. AIEEE!!! Attack of the killer pragnut lesbiannnnnnzzzzzzzzzzz! I'm not thrilled at having my favourite drinking establishments overrun by babbys formed and un, but more power to teh laydeez, hopefully they'll raise some decent human beings.

          • Biff

            Dear ol' Dad used to tend bar at the Twin Peaks Tavern, now called The Edge.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            A Mormon, tending bar? Well, paint me pink and call me a Cadillac. I used to go drinking at the Twin Peaks with my dear friend Jeyhan. We'd check out the boys in the neighbourhood, look-no-touch, since we were both partnered at the time.

          • Biff

            Not to avert shame from any part of my family, but that wasn't Dad's church. He was a Southern Baptist who converted to Presbyterian for the dancing at the USO, I suppose. Good thing I'm no longer confused! Twin Peaks was a smoky dive back then, before gentrification. I got to hang out, drinking Shirley Temples and eating bar snacks. Good times.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah, I hung out there in its dive days. I'll bet we actually saw each other, but, Wonketz being in our future, recognition did not occur.

            How wild is that? (Hugs the Biff)

    • dogscantlookup

      Fuck the upperclass
      Versigtig, ek's nog steeds fokken giftig
      Yo, fuck a rich bitch!!1!

  • Barb

    Probably just a scorching case of herpes.

  • PubOption

    I'm pleased to know that someone is watching this, so I don't have to!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Although, I'd rather know someone was testing out a pig heart for my benefit than having to endure this.

      EDIT: A donated pig heart from a pig that was in a car accident.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Why do you want them testing a pig heart, dude? The pig might be needing it, or something. Also, too, why in a car accident? Such a waste of fine … Baconz.

      • tessiee

        No pigs were harmed in the making of these comments.

        • annettaj

          Yeah, but will there be bacon anyway?

    • real_dc_native

      I'm glad for Intern Riley, that he has moved on otherwise you know who would have to watch this.

  • Barb

    Did one of the Palin clan win the idiotarod race this year on their "snow machines?"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Y'know, I'll bet Todd's dogs all have really weird exotic names like "Bob" and "Doug" and "Richard"

    • worrytron

      Why is snow machine in quotes?

      • ChessieNefercat

        Because everywhere* else they're called "snowmobiles"?

        *And by "everywhere", I mean "where I live."

        • worrytron

          Huh… where do you live? I've always heard them called snowmachines up here in the maritimes. I've heard snowmobile too and all, but it seems like a strange thing to harp on wrt the Palins. I mean, there's so much ELSE to work with. And it's not like snowmobile sounds… sophisticated or anything.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Michigan's Upper Peninsula, covered with trees (and in the winter 250 inches of snow), surrounded by 3 of the five Great Lakes, and further north than some of Canada's larger cities. A popular "sport" here is driving a snowmobile through the pristine wilderness from bar to bar. The goal, besides making loud, flatulent diesely noises, is to avoid the trees which are apt to jump right in front the snowmobiles (even more apt as the evening wears on).

            I don't particularly care what the Palins call them and I understand perfectly that common items can have different regional names, all perfectly legitimate. I just get annoyed with the whole nobody else knows what winter or the wilderness is like except us Alaskans, blah blah blah. We are so tough and frontiery and the rest of you are just a bunch of sissified elitist nancypants.

          • worrytron

            Hmm, well, I guess snowmachine is also an eastern Canadian thing? Dunno man. Alaskans can suck it, sure, and it's not like Newfie is known for its snow or anything…. you can put the measuring tape away, there.

          • Barb

            Sorry that you think my snark is strange and that I am harping on anything.

          • va_real

            What sort of angel would you be without your harp???

          • flamingpdog

            Things are getting weird here these days – I got chastised the other night for saying "on the rag".

          • Barb

            FlamingPDog, must be the heat.

          • lunchbox360

            So what do the rubes in the maritimes (WTF) call machines that make snow?

        • viennawoods13

          Yeah. In Ontario I have never heard them referred to as anything but snowmobiles. Unless it's as "god-damned noisy gas-eating pains in the ass"

          • Barb

            Vienna! I may be moving to Canada for two years. Thanks for the heads up.

          • viennawoods13

            It depends where you move, Barb. I literally did not have to put up with hearing them until I moved from the burbs/Toronto at the age of 23 to a small village. Then I had to put up with jerks driving them down the main street. Now that we are right out in the country, surrounded by orchards, we hear them rarely. Is nice. Last winter not at all, because no snow. Oh, and if you come, welcome!

          • Barb

            Thanks Vienna (hugs)

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Judd Apatow produces this, right?

  • ChernobylSoup

    True story: I was researching federal grants this morning and saw an RFP for "competitive abstinence" training.

    • James Michael Curley

      Sounds messy.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Like a kick in the nads? 'Cause that would work.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        There are people who actually pay other people lots of money to kick them in the 'nads. It's called "ball-busting," and it's a sexual fetish, and antidepressants can, apparently, curb the desire.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Seriously?

      What's it pay? Cuz I'm in a dry spell…

    • Extemporanus

      The only sport where coming in first makes you a loser.

      • CapnRadio

        This–THIS–is why I want to have your platonic, guy-on-guy Internet comedy baby.

        • Extemporanus

          In the immortal words of Mama Grizzly: "The world needs more platonic, guy-on-guy Internet comedy babies, not fewer."

    • Tundra Grifter

      A contest to see who has the bluest balls?

    • SorosBot

      Oh I saw that one! George won the contest, but later admitted to Jerry that he cheated.

    • Baconzgood

      Even Ron Popeil would think that was stupid.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Willow may be the smartest Palin, but that's a little like being the tallest midget.

    • Extemporanus

      Ironically, Willow was the tallest midget.

      • CapnRadio

        You are great!

        • Extemporanus

          NO U R!!

          Seriously, though, your comment below killed. I did not want to say so directly for fear of marring its collar with a wantonly rouge reply.

    • LetUsBray

      I thought He Who Must Not Be Named On Wonkette was the smartest Palin?

    • worrytron

      We all know Piper is the smartest. She's master of us all, we just don't know it yet.

    • lunchbox360

      Or the most beautiful ape.

  • CapnRadio

    Congratulations, Rebecca; you just spent more time analyzing Bristol's choices and actions than she herself ever did.

  • Pragmatist2

    Answering the question "what's the matter with Willow?" would require the hearer to 1) believe in and 2) understand Evolution, so no Palin qualifies.

    • sullivanst

      Nature or nurture?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Next episode:
    Bristol tries to dry the poodle in the microwave. Hilarity ensues.

  • Billmatic

    Willow's gonna grow up and be a free love pot smoking renegade.

    Fingers crossed that she's also gay that'll really throw the Palins for a loop.

    • Terry

      In that family, to be a true renegade she'd have to avoid becoming pregnant in her teen years, attend college and graduate in a reasonable amount of time, and then be gainfully employed.

      • Billmatic

        That's what I meant! And she'll get gay married to her life partner and raise Tripp anyway.

  • Local_Mojo

    Needs more Button Gwinnett!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "…by having his friends cut down her trees,"

    This is a euphemism right?

    • Tundra Grifter

      I guess those trees weren't just the right height.

    • SorosBot

      I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree…

    • emmelemm

      That was my first thought…

    • gvvt

      euphemasia

    • Tundra Grifter

      Anyone named Willow should be a bit nervous when they start talking about cutting trees.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Then they "mowed" her "lawn"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Trim that hedge!

      • Dildeaux

        The "curtains" are brown…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

    As Willow predicted: She answered, "This very night, before the cock burns, you will disown me three times."

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Jesus, what a comment!

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Put the chicken in the oven."

      Is that what the youngs are now calling the dirty deed?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We used to call them peckers. Maybe this is hipster-ironic?

    • Fare la Volpe

      And after fucking Bristol enough times, you can bet Gino's cock burns.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yes, but less than the tube sock did.

      • UnholyMoses

        Gino would've been better served by fucking that chicken …

      • ChessieNefercat

        "after fucking Bristol enough times"

        Or even once.

        • glasspusher

          Zero can be enough for some people!

    • glasspusher

      Getting that comment made being raised catholic a little more worthwhile. I upfist all over your face in respect, sir.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    " And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?"

    It's a dominant trait in the clan. The inbreeding don't help none.

    • ChessieNefercat

      If you asked Willow that, she would say yes, Bristol has callused knees! That slut!

      • SorosBot

        If she stuck to that she wouldn't have gotten pregnant though. But then I guess she doesn't know how babby is formed.

        • ChessieNefercat

          "she doesn't know how babby is formed"

          Or what to do with it thereafter, apparently.

    • GemlikeFlame

      There's nothing wrong with Bristol, Willow, and Piper that can't be fixed by a complete replacement of their DNA. Wait, I forgot, there's that nature vs nurture thing. Sorry, they're screwed.

  • Eve8Apples

    Who the hell is sponsoring this shit? Any company publicly associating with the Palins and paying money to put this insane drivel on American televisions should be sued by their shareholders.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      If, by "shareholders" you mean "peasants," and by "sued" you mean "pursued with scythes and pitchforks by torchlight."

  • tbogg

    Cliffhanger end to season: Is Piper knocked up yet?

    Sorry. I guess I should have put up a spoiler alert.

    • sullivanst

      With Palins involved, the show is the spoiler.

    • SorosBot

      And based on the ratings, the show will end on the cliffhanger, like Twin Peaks, Benson or Alf, and we'll never know.

  • CapnRadio

    Wait up. I'm not keen on the new slang. "Roast a chicken" means "dry hump her boyfriend," right? Right?!

    • ChessieNefercat

      Keep roastin' that chicken!

  • elviouslyqueer

    It's like a mashup of the Beverly Hillbillies and Jersey Shore, on a really really low budget.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      They should infuse some of Jed's "Big Money".

    • Terry

      I was thinking it's more of a combination of Deliverance and The Donner Party.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Needs moar cannibalamism.

    • Nothingisamiss

      You've just made me want to see this.

    • tessiee

      Jersey Whore

  • Crank_Tango

    Wow. That was really hard to masturbate too and now I have blue balls, and also a headache, too.

    • CapnRadio

      Quitter.

      • Crank_Tango

        Given the circumstances, I think it's quite appropriate to stop halfway through.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Well, I won't quibble, but it is her Mother that quits. Bristol goes all the way.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Does that mean you're gonna refuse to have sex with yourself?

  • Barb

    Breasts up, legs in the air, it's Bristol's "chicken imitates life" special recipe.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Did she marinate it with Bartles & James?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Particularly since it's sitting on a can of beer.

      • Barb

        Something tells me that Bristol can comfortably fit a six pack in her "koozie"

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Yeah, but can she open the cans with it? (I typed that outloud, didn't I?)

    • Theywontlisten

      I peed

    • tessiee

      "Breasts up, legs in the air, it's Bristol's "chicken imitates life" special recipe."

      And just to be three for three, it lays an egg before it's finished cooking.

    • Dildeaux

      ^^^WINS TWATTERTOOBZ FOR THE DAY^^^

  • Billmatic

    By the way prepare for the American Empire under President Tripp Palin, 2060

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      He's the smart one, right?

      I MEAN COMPARED TO HIS "GRANDMOTHER!" PUT THE BANHAMMER DOWN AND BACK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!

  • Goonemeritus

    I will not let my sons watch this show for fear it might one day obstruct my supply of grandchildren.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees

    One was the pizza guy, one was the pool boy, one was the guy offering her a lift after her flat tire and "cut down her trees" is Alaskan code for "fuck every orifice so she can't get no air."

    • Tundra Grifter

      Not to be a buzzkill here, but I don't think they have pool boys in Alaska.

      How about hot tub maintenance guy?

      Or sauna installer? I'd spank Bristol with birch branches.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars."

    • Oblios_Cap

      Lumberjackery!

    • sullivanst

      Are you attempting to imply that Gino is "OK"? I beg to differ! (Perhaps because all I know about him, I learned on Wonkette)

  • BarackMyWorld

    She should do another PSA with the Situation so she can seem smart average again by comparison.

  • ChernobylSoup

    In ancient China is was considered an honor to be eunuched in order to serve the empress. What's Gino's excuse?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dumb fuck?

  • fartknocker

    Ms. January for The People of Walmart calender.

  • Extemporanus

    SKULLFUCK YOUR TELEVISION!

  • MissTaken

    Ah yes, the traditional Valentime's gift of deforestation. Nothing says romance like a chainsaw.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ayyyyyyyyyyy, diamond chips!

    • SorosBot

      But nothing says "I love you" like a spatula.

      • tessiee

        Spatula World!! For all your spatula needs!

    • Fare la Volpe

      4 out of 5 axe murderers agree

    • redarmyzombie

      Strange, I thought that was whore diamonds…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Does this show begin with "Welcome to the possibly last episode of 'Too obscure to even be covered breathlessly by HuffingtonPost.com'?"

    • ChessieNefercat

      Dear God, I hope so.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Bristol Palin's Deep Fried Sideboob (PHOTOS)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I sort of feel bad for Bristol. All that surgery to her face and she's starting to load weight on like Delta Burke.

    • Tundra Grifter

      While in the public eye she seems to have gone from 18 to 30 – completely missed her 20's.

      • ChessieNefercat

        IQ points or age?

        • sullivanst

          Those two quantities, for a Palin, are like cars on a funicular railway – as one goes up, the other goes down.

  • kissawookiee

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

    Bristle and Willow are Muslim-divorced now? CREEPING SHARIA, PEOPLE.

  • Poindexter718

    Needs moar cement pond.

    • Oblios_Cap

      and less vittles.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      Beverly Hillbilly libel!

      • Poindexter718

        Wasilla Sn*wbilly libel!

  • SoBeach

    I get it!

    No wait, I don't.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

    What's the matter with Willow

    Whenever the Palins are involved, the most likely answer is a cocktail of wine coolers, meth, and tertiary syphilis.

    • rmjagg

      enough to fill a garbage can , and chugged all at once

    • Negropolis

      Tertiary Syphilis would make an awesome name for a garage band.

  • Blunderthing

    Stupid really is becoming a "Proudly Made In America" product.

  • fartknocker

    The Queen of Wasilla daughters have had more cocks than Ted Nugent's favorite gun.

  • Baconzgood

    Jees M(r)s. Schoenkopf,

    How can you watch 2 seconds of these screeching cunts?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Rebecca once briefly worked in the screeching cunt house at a local zoo. Feeding time was horrid.

  • sullivanst

    Appears to be all the confirmation I never needed that my decision not to watch was the correct decision.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Oh my God, you guys! Willow is such a bitch when she can't score any Meth!

  • Crank_Tango

    Or perhaps it was Levi who quit pulling out half-way through. I am not even sure how that works, but whatever.

    • sullivanst

      It doesn't, that's the thing.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey, it's that or waste a Kleenex.

  • Estproph

    In Alaska, television show turns off you!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I can see Russia from my back!

  • va_real

    Unexpected upside to this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mjt6JrT77xM&fe

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    Jesus Wept.

    • ChessieNefercat

      With His eyes closed and His fingers in His ears.

  • MissTaken

    Willow's just scared because she got her period and no woman in the Palin clan has ever had a period to explain to her what is happening.

  • Barb

    On the next episode………….
    Gino impresses Todd with the fact the he takes most of the dishes out of the kitchen sink before peeing into it.

  • pinkocommi

    To all of those who think that Kardashian show is the most vapid thing ever, let me introduce you to the Palins'.

    • sullivanst

      Kudos to you for not even realizing that it has for years been "those Kardashian shows", for there are many.

      • emmelemm

        Legion, in fact.

  • mavenmaven

    This show is ret**ded.

    • va_real

      redacted?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Hey!

        • va_real

          Hey there!

    • Gopherit

      It has to be said over and over that while Trig may be developmentally disabled, the biggest genetic disadvantage he has is being born a Palin, the poor kid.

    • emmelemm

      We prefer "Wee Todd Did".

    • Baconzgood

      It's not nice to equate the mentally challenged to this pile of steamy turd stupid.

  • SorosBot

    What's the matter with Willow is that she went mad, turned to dark magic and tried to destroy the world after Warren shot and killed her girlfriend.

    • sullivanst

      Mmmmm… that was easy to fap to.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      excellent reference, isn't there a hellmouth near Wasilla?

      • SorosBot

        It would explain all the meth and that screeching harpy.

      • ChessieNefercat

        " isn't there a hellmouth near Wasilla?"

        Yes, her name is Sarah.

    • doloras

      Bored now.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

    These are young women we're talking about? What was the question?

  • ChessieNefercat

    "Willow’s… Bristol’s…fact-based…"
    1) Palins and "fact-based" in the same sentence! LOL! Not something you expect to see if you have ever listened to any Palin say anything ever.

    "Until next week!"
    2) Why? I mean, why watch it again? Because if we are looking for a how low can they go moment, it won't happen. These are Palins so there is no bottom.

    Edit: I'm horrified to see that I used "LOL." Must step away from the doltbilly stories.

  • CrunchyKnee

    This shit sounds so bad, that I would probably watch NASCAR rather than this show.

  • Nostrildamus

    Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

    Enlisting your buds to wax your girlfriend? LA is weird.

  • Gopherit

    Jeebus, all that stupid concentrated in a half hour show. I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch.

    • tessiee

      "I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch."

      You're not allergic to the show, you caught crabs from it.

  • kittensdontlie

    To avoid an intelligence-upstage on the starring Palens, the producer cut Young Master Tripp's facetime.

  • Antispandex

    Bristol and her "show" fall into the category of things for which there is not enough booze on the planet.

  • wvfii

    come with me on an adventure, won't you, to a land where the current first family comes within 40 million miles of the level of trashiness that the Palins display on the reg. can you even *imagine* the level of wingnut hysteria?

  • ElPinche

    I just got syphillis/herpes simplex 13 just reading about these white-trash cum dumpsters.

  • ttommyunger

    Needz moar buttsecks!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Maybe next time Gino will "do" Willow since Bristol won't put out. Like a soap opera, ya know?

  • Gopherit
  • SorosBot

    The most important thing about the show is that so few people watched that, after just two episodes, Lifetime moved it to 11 PM and stuck reruns of something called Dance Moms in its time slot:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/tv-column/pos

    • sullivanst

      Dance Moms – one of very few things on this planet that introduces a modicum of doubt that the Palins are the worst people on it. TLC has the other: Toddlers and Tiaras – freeway wreck TV, you don't want to look, but you can't not as you pass by.

    • Negropolis

      Dance Moms is as horrible as it sounds, probably more so.

    • Dildeaux

      Typical liebrul media bias.

  • elburritodeluxe

    God, Willow, chill out! Your Wonkette stickers will be in the mail soon!

  • CivicHoliday

    Really, this is too much. It's one thing to skim a bad novel for the World 'O Books, but to watch an entire episode of visual herpes for our sakes is crossing a line. Please be kind to yourself and remove this atrocity from your DVR series recording list. Just drink a bunch of beer and read a synopsis on Perez Hilton instead.

  • Barb

    These two sisters have had more balls in their mouth than the Hungry Hungry Hippos.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Nope. Will not watch, will not read.

  • chascates

    Obviously her many fans have different ideas. Three comments from her site:

    Really enjoyed your show tonite. I had several laugh out loud moments. Also had a “ahh now I remember what it was like to have siblings”. Tripp was adorable as usual and I bet will be involved with the iron pup next yr. Gino is a very nice guy, Bristol! So brave of you to do the reindeer race.

    Bristol,
    I love your show! I love Alaska. However, I have to tell you, I really like Willow also. She is a typical 17 year old. She is also honest and beautiful. Don’t be so hard on her. (You did hit her with the fridge door.)
    Gino is a great catch, hold onto him. :-)

    I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it.

    • real_dc_native

      See, these are the 40% who don't think the 1% are ripping off the rest of us. Now it makes sense.

      Either that or they are paid to post to her site.

    • tessiee

      'I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it."

      "…In fact, now that I think about it, this really isn't much of a comment, and I don't know why I posted it."

  • elburritodeluxe

    Oh my GOD, you slackers missed "Bristol travels with her to Washington for a CPAC convention" (good luck finding a daddy for Tripp there, kid) and "Bristol plans a surprise party for her mom." (Mom likes to snort coke off the back seat of a snowmobile, Bristol, hint hint!)

    • zumpie

      Not to mention their fab adventures in LA—in which both girls rag on clothes being less wintery than Alaska's (ya think?), whine about how superficial and non-family freindly the occupants are and (of course) the delight of Willow's hair endlessly changing back and forth from the blonde effort above, to super dyed brown.

      Oh—and the not miss: Willow visits her beard (she's resplendent in a plaid shirt, no less). Beard inquires about LA. Willow snears, "liberal".

  • rocktonsam

    Willow Willow Willow= Marsha Marsha Marsha

  • ElPinche

    I can't watch the show. My TV doesn't support cunt captioning.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Gino looks like a human fart.

  • knuck1es

    Oh! They are two different people. I get it now.

  • barto

    Fascinating! Can't wait til it's out on DVD!!!

  • DahBoner

    I thought Salvador Dali was dead???

    How is he able to produce surreal pieces like this???

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Willow does seem creepy and disaffected. I think she was telling the truth when she said, "I don't have a heart".

  • Guppy

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times

    Out in Real America™, a homeowner saying that once would make the other person a trespasser, and we all know what happens to trespassers in Real America™.

    Why didn't Bristol Stand Her Ground? Why does Bristol hate guns, America and Jesus?

  • larrykat

    Isn't Valentimes Day when we exhibit feats of strength and air our grievances?

    • tessiee

      I don't know, but I'm quite sure there's a pole involved.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Oh, I know lots of people who say Valentimes Day. The also say Febuary and liberry, but that last one just creeps into the conversation if they're giving directions and say "turn left at the liberry," because it's not like they actually ever go to one.
    Is Gino from the Midwest, by any chance?

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow."

    Maybe they get that from being the offspring of a twostepsfrombeingtotaltrailertrashkindamom…I mean.. the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate. Crazy country, yes?

  • pdiddycornchips

    Can we please talk about something else? Here's a list of topics more interesting and thought provoking.

    Every other thing in the entire universe.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Or, of course, the classic "All of them, Katie."

  • lochnessmonster

    I thought Willow was still in HS…or is Bristol homeschooling her? YIKES!

  • lochnessmonster

    Circle speak runs in the family…

  • Generation[redacted]

    Gino? Is there people go when they don't make cast of Jersey Shore?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    'merica fuck yeah.

  • C_R_Eature

    OW MY BRAINS

  • Nostrildamus

    I see the makings of a cult favorite.

  • docterry6973

    Willow looks a lot like her mother – and I mean that as a compliment. However I will not watch this show, ever, because I am plenty depressed already.

  • CheeseNPear

    Valumtimes – I sort of think that Bristol and Willow would fit right in with Teen Girl Squad: http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

  • abbynrml

    Shallow end of the gene pool doesn't even begin to describe these hillbilly jack offs.

  • LibertyLover

    They should rename the show: "Life's a Beach." Instead of "Life's a Tripp" because the latter sounds fun and the former is what the show actually is.

  • tessiee

    What's the matter with that hair-do?

    • ChessieNefercat

      A lot.

  • aklibtard

    You're too hard on Willow. She's just a little sister that's been bullied by her whiny older sister/grifter her entire horrible Palin life. She's a girl whose teen years will forever be marred by being Bristol's bitch on TV. Also.

  • Negropolis

    She's cooking chicken when she should be cooking the Alaska state dish: Meth.

    Meth; it's what's for dinner.

  • rte148

    I'm glad someone else is not watching this either

  • SolitaireRose

    Didn't this show do so poorly they moved it to infomercial time or Oprah's teevee channel or something?

  • danielwalldammit

    Hey now, let's not forget the whole pushing-a-three-year-old-to-enter-a-snowmobile-race theme. Seriously, can you say pressure? I mean seriously, what an a needless load of drama they dumped on that poor kid.