‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’

  we think we just got stupider

Willow Palin: why so serious?Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because “homosexuals.” Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don’t remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it’s “Valentimes” Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp.

But if things are jiving just right between Gino and Bristol — despite her not putting out, according to her — things are coming to a head between Bristol and her sister Willow, who is very aggressive and has a sort of mannish affect, very Rosie O’Donnell, you know, but not jolly?

Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow.

But then! Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven! And finally, after the third “Be-Gone!” Willow goes, and then Bristol spends the rest of the episode complaining to everyone that Willow “left her hanging” and abandoned her during the cookery.

And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

 
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So a) Did Bristol even watch this episode? And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?

Neither Bristol nor Willow is a nice person, though Willow’s version is more aggressive and Bristol’s more feminine and passively spiteful. We didn’t watch the second ep, about Tripp crying in the Iditarod Pup Race or whatever, because it turns out the amount he was in the premiere (about two minutes) is really about all we want to see of Young Master Tripp.

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

Until next week!

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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236 comments

          1. Biff

            How does lesbian get pragnant? How is lesbian babby form?Spent many of my formative years in Noe Valley, Collingwood St. between 18th & 19th across from the playground…

          2. MittBorg

            My favourite sushi place was there and for many years, I would commute down to my job on the peninsula, and drive home via a stop for sushi in Noe Valley. The last time I was there, it seemed like every fucking woman within a mile was either pushing a baby carriage or a baby bump. AIEEE!!! Attack of the killer pragnut lesbiannnnnnzzzzzzzzzzz! I'm not thrilled at having my favourite drinking establishments overrun by babbys formed and un, but more power to teh laydeez, hopefully they'll raise some decent human beings.

          3. MittBorg

            A Mormon, tending bar? Well, paint me pink and call me a Cadillac. I used to go drinking at the Twin Peaks with my dear friend Jeyhan. We'd check out the boys in the neighbourhood, look-no-touch, since we were both partnered at the time.

          4. Biff

            Not to avert shame from any part of my family, but that wasn't Dad's church. He was a Southern Baptist who converted to Presbyterian for the dancing at the USO, I suppose. Good thing I'm no longer confused! Twin Peaks was a smoky dive back then, before gentrification. I got to hang out, drinking Shirley Temples and eating bar snacks. Good times.

          5. MittBorg

            Yeah, I hung out there in its dive days. I'll bet we actually saw each other, but, Wonketz being in our future, recognition did not occur.

            How wild is that? (Hugs the Biff)

    1. dogscantlookup

      Fuck the upperclass
      Versigtig, ek's nog steeds fokken giftig
      Yo, fuck a rich bitch!!1!

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Although, I'd rather know someone was testing out a pig heart for my benefit than having to endure this.

      EDIT: A donated pig heart from a pig that was in a car accident.

      1. MittBorg

        Why do you want them testing a pig heart, dude? The pig might be needing it, or something. Also, too, why in a car accident? Such a waste of fine … Baconz.

    2. real_dc_native

      I'm glad for Intern Riley, that he has moved on otherwise you know who would have to watch this.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Because everywhere* else they're called "snowmobiles"?

        *And by "everywhere", I mean "where I live."

        1. worrytron

          Huh… where do you live? I've always heard them called snowmachines up here in the maritimes. I've heard snowmobile too and all, but it seems like a strange thing to harp on wrt the Palins. I mean, there's so much ELSE to work with. And it's not like snowmobile sounds… sophisticated or anything.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Michigan's Upper Peninsula, covered with trees (and in the winter 250 inches of snow), surrounded by 3 of the five Great Lakes, and further north than some of Canada's larger cities. A popular "sport" here is driving a snowmobile through the pristine wilderness from bar to bar. The goal, besides making loud, flatulent diesely noises, is to avoid the trees which are apt to jump right in front the snowmobiles (even more apt as the evening wears on).

            I don't particularly care what the Palins call them and I understand perfectly that common items can have different regional names, all perfectly legitimate. I just get annoyed with the whole nobody else knows what winter or the wilderness is like except us Alaskans, blah blah blah. We are so tough and frontiery and the rest of you are just a bunch of sissified elitist nancypants.

          2. worrytron

            Hmm, well, I guess snowmachine is also an eastern Canadian thing? Dunno man. Alaskans can suck it, sure, and it's not like Newfie is known for its snow or anything…. you can put the measuring tape away, there.

          3. flamingpdog

            Things are getting weird here these days – I got chastised the other night for saying "on the rag".

        2. viennawoods13

          Yeah. In Ontario I have never heard them referred to as anything but snowmobiles. Unless it's as "god-damned noisy gas-eating pains in the ass"

          1. viennawoods13

            It depends where you move, Barb. I literally did not have to put up with hearing them until I moved from the burbs/Toronto at the age of 23 to a small village. Then I had to put up with jerks driving them down the main street. Now that we are right out in the country, surrounded by orchards, we hear them rarely. Is nice. Last winter not at all, because no snow. Oh, and if you come, welcome!

  1. ChernobylSoup

    True story: I was researching federal grants this morning and saw an RFP for "competitive abstinence" training.

      1. MittBorg

        There are people who actually pay other people lots of money to kick them in the 'nads. It's called "ball-busting," and it's a sexual fetish, and antidepressants can, apparently, curb the desire.

        1. Extemporanus

          In the immortal words of Mama Grizzly: "The world needs more platonic, guy-on-guy Internet comedy babies, not fewer."

    1. SorosBot

      Oh I saw that one! George won the contest, but later admitted to Jerry that he cheated.

  2. BarackMyWorld

    Willow may be the smartest Palin, but that's a little like being the tallest midget.

        1. Extemporanus

          NO U R!!

          Seriously, though, your comment below killed. I did not want to say so directly for fear of marring its collar with a wantonly rouge reply.

    1. worrytron

      We all know Piper is the smartest. She's master of us all, we just don't know it yet.

  3. CapnRadio

    Congratulations, Rebecca; you just spent more time analyzing Bristol's choices and actions than she herself ever did.

  4. Pragmatist2

    Answering the question "what's the matter with Willow?" would require the hearer to 1) believe in and 2) understand Evolution, so no Palin qualifies.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Next episode:
    Bristol tries to dry the poodle in the microwave. Hilarity ensues.

  6. Billmatic

    Willow's gonna grow up and be a free love pot smoking renegade.

    Fingers crossed that she's also gay that'll really throw the Palins for a loop.

    1. Terry

      In that family, to be a true renegade she'd have to avoid becoming pregnant in her teen years, attend college and graduate in a reasonable amount of time, and then be gainfully employed.

      1. Billmatic

        That's what I meant! And she'll get gay married to her life partner and raise Tripp anyway.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Anyone named Willow should be a bit nervous when they start talking about cutting trees.

  7. actor212

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

    As Willow predicted: She answered, "This very night, before the cock burns, you will disown me three times."

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "Put the chicken in the oven."

      Is that what the youngs are now calling the dirty deed?

    2. glasspusher

      Getting that comment made being raised catholic a little more worthwhile. I upfist all over your face in respect, sir.

  8. FlownOver

    " And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?"

    It's a dominant trait in the clan. The inbreeding don't help none.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      If you asked Willow that, she would say yes, Bristol has callused knees! That slut!

      1. SorosBot

        If she stuck to that she wouldn't have gotten pregnant though. But then I guess she doesn't know how babby is formed.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          "she doesn't know how babby is formed"

          Or what to do with it thereafter, apparently.

    2. GemlikeFlame

      There's nothing wrong with Bristol, Willow, and Piper that can't be fixed by a complete replacement of their DNA. Wait, I forgot, there's that nature vs nurture thing. Sorry, they're screwed.

  9. Eve8Apples

    Who the hell is sponsoring this shit? Any company publicly associating with the Palins and paying money to put this insane drivel on American televisions should be sued by their shareholders.

  10. tbogg

    Cliffhanger end to season: Is Piper knocked up yet?

    Sorry. I guess I should have put up a spoiler alert.

    1. SorosBot

      And based on the ratings, the show will end on the cliffhanger, like Twin Peaks, Benson or Alf, and we'll never know.

  11. CapnRadio

    Wait up. I'm not keen on the new slang. "Roast a chicken" means "dry hump her boyfriend," right? Right?!

  12. elviouslyqueer

    It's like a mashup of the Beverly Hillbillies and Jersey Shore, on a really really low budget.

  13. Crank_Tango

    Wow. That was really hard to masturbate too and now I have blue balls, and also a headache, too.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          Well, I won't quibble, but it is her Mother that quits. Bristol goes all the way.

    1. tessiee

      "Breasts up, legs in the air, it's Bristol's "chicken imitates life" special recipe."

      And just to be three for three, it lays an egg before it's finished cooking.

  14. Goonemeritus

    I will not let my sons watch this show for fear it might one day obstruct my supply of grandchildren.

  15. actor212

    Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees

    One was the pizza guy, one was the pool boy, one was the guy offering her a lift after her flat tire and "cut down her trees" is Alaskan code for "fuck every orifice so she can't get no air."

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Not to be a buzzkill here, but I don't think they have pool boys in Alaska.

      How about hot tub maintenance guy?

      Or sauna installer? I'd spank Bristol with birch branches.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars."

    1. sullivanst

      Are you attempting to imply that Gino is "OK"? I beg to differ! (Perhaps because all I know about him, I learned on Wonkette)

  17. BarackMyWorld

    She should do another PSA with the Situation so she can seem smart average again by comparison.

  18. ChernobylSoup

    In ancient China is was considered an honor to be eunuched in order to serve the empress. What's Gino's excuse?

  19. MissTaken

    Ah yes, the traditional Valentime's gift of deforestation. Nothing says romance like a chainsaw.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Does this show begin with "Welcome to the possibly last episode of 'Too obscure to even be covered breathlessly by HuffingtonPost.com'?"

    1. Tundra Grifter

      While in the public eye she seems to have gone from 18 to 30 – completely missed her 20's.

        1. sullivanst

          Those two quantities, for a Palin, are like cars on a funicular railway – as one goes up, the other goes down.

  21. kissawookiee

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

    Bristle and Willow are Muslim-divorced now? CREEPING SHARIA, PEOPLE.

  22. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    What's the matter with Willow

    Whenever the Palins are involved, the most likely answer is a cocktail of wine coolers, meth, and tertiary syphilis.

  23. fartknocker

    The Queen of Wasilla daughters have had more cocks than Ted Nugent's favorite gun.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Rebecca once briefly worked in the screeching cunt house at a local zoo. Feeding time was horrid.

  24. sullivanst

    Appears to be all the confirmation I never needed that my decision not to watch was the correct decision.

  25. Crank_Tango

    Or perhaps it was Levi who quit pulling out half-way through. I am not even sure how that works, but whatever.

  26. MissTaken

    Willow's just scared because she got her period and no woman in the Palin clan has ever had a period to explain to her what is happening.

  27. Barb

    On the next episode………….
    Gino impresses Todd with the fact the he takes most of the dishes out of the kitchen sink before peeing into it.

  28. pinkocommi

    To all of those who think that Kardashian show is the most vapid thing ever, let me introduce you to the Palins'.

    1. sullivanst

      Kudos to you for not even realizing that it has for years been "those Kardashian shows", for there are many.

    1. Gopherit

      It has to be said over and over that while Trig may be developmentally disabled, the biggest genetic disadvantage he has is being born a Palin, the poor kid.

    2. Baconzgood

      It's not nice to equate the mentally challenged to this pile of steamy turd stupid.

  29. SorosBot

    What's the matter with Willow is that she went mad, turned to dark magic and tried to destroy the world after Warren shot and killed her girlfriend.

  30. Sharkey

    And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

    These are young women we're talking about? What was the question?

  31. ChessieNefercat

    "Willow’s… Bristol’s…fact-based…"
    1) Palins and "fact-based" in the same sentence! LOL! Not something you expect to see if you have ever listened to any Palin say anything ever.

    "Until next week!"
    2) Why? I mean, why watch it again? Because if we are looking for a how low can they go moment, it won't happen. These are Palins so there is no bottom.

    Edit: I'm horrified to see that I used "LOL." Must step away from the doltbilly stories.

  32. CrunchyKnee

    This shit sounds so bad, that I would probably watch NASCAR rather than this show.

  33. Nostrildamus

    Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

    Enlisting your buds to wax your girlfriend? LA is weird.

  34. Gopherit

    Jeebus, all that stupid concentrated in a half hour show. I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch.

    1. tessiee

      "I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch."

      You're not allergic to the show, you caught crabs from it.

  35. kittensdontlie

    To avoid an intelligence-upstage on the starring Palens, the producer cut Young Master Tripp's facetime.

  36. Antispandex

    Bristol and her "show" fall into the category of things for which there is not enough booze on the planet.

  37. wvfii

    come with me on an adventure, won't you, to a land where the current first family comes within 40 million miles of the level of trashiness that the Palins display on the reg. can you even *imagine* the level of wingnut hysteria?

  38. ElPinche

    I just got syphillis/herpes simplex 13 just reading about these white-trash cum dumpsters.

    1. sullivanst

      Dance Moms – one of very few things on this planet that introduces a modicum of doubt that the Palins are the worst people on it. TLC has the other: Toddlers and Tiaras – freeway wreck TV, you don't want to look, but you can't not as you pass by.

  39. CivicHoliday

    Really, this is too much. It's one thing to skim a bad novel for the World 'O Books, but to watch an entire episode of visual herpes for our sakes is crossing a line. Please be kind to yourself and remove this atrocity from your DVR series recording list. Just drink a bunch of beer and read a synopsis on Perez Hilton instead.

  40. chascates

    Obviously her many fans have different ideas. Three comments from her site:

    Really enjoyed your show tonite. I had several laugh out loud moments. Also had a “ahh now I remember what it was like to have siblings”. Tripp was adorable as usual and I bet will be involved with the iron pup next yr. Gino is a very nice guy, Bristol! So brave of you to do the reindeer race.

    Bristol,
    I love your show! I love Alaska. However, I have to tell you, I really like Willow also. She is a typical 17 year old. She is also honest and beautiful. Don’t be so hard on her. (You did hit her with the fridge door.)
    Gino is a great catch, hold onto him. :-)

    I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it.

    1. real_dc_native

      See, these are the 40% who don't think the 1% are ripping off the rest of us. Now it makes sense.

      Either that or they are paid to post to her site.

    2. tessiee

      'I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it."

      "…In fact, now that I think about it, this really isn't much of a comment, and I don't know why I posted it."

  41. elburritodeluxe

    Oh my GOD, you slackers missed "Bristol travels with her to Washington for a CPAC convention" (good luck finding a daddy for Tripp there, kid) and "Bristol plans a surprise party for her mom." (Mom likes to snort coke off the back seat of a snowmobile, Bristol, hint hint!)

    1. zumpie

      Not to mention their fab adventures in LA—in which both girls rag on clothes being less wintery than Alaska's (ya think?), whine about how superficial and non-family freindly the occupants are and (of course) the delight of Willow's hair endlessly changing back and forth from the blonde effort above, to super dyed brown.

      Oh—and the not miss: Willow visits her beard (she's resplendent in a plaid shirt, no less). Beard inquires about LA. Willow snears, "liberal".

  42. DahBoner

    I thought Salvador Dali was dead???

    How is he able to produce surreal pieces like this???

  43. Guppy

    Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times

    Out in Real America™, a homeowner saying that once would make the other person a trespasser, and we all know what happens to trespassers in Real America™.

    Why didn't Bristol Stand Her Ground? Why does Bristol hate guns, America and Jesus?

  44. gurukalehuru

    Oh, I know lots of people who say Valentimes Day. The also say Febuary and liberry, but that last one just creeps into the conversation if they're giving directions and say "turn left at the liberry," because it's not like they actually ever go to one.
    Is Gino from the Midwest, by any chance?

  45. Walkinwiddaking

    "Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow."

    Maybe they get that from being the offspring of a twostepsfrombeingtotaltrailertrashkindamom…I mean.. the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate. Crazy country, yes?

  46. pdiddycornchips

    Can we please talk about something else? Here's a list of topics more interesting and thought provoking.

    Every other thing in the entire universe.

  47. docterry6973

    Willow looks a lot like her mother – and I mean that as a compliment. However I will not watch this show, ever, because I am plenty depressed already.

  48. abbynrml

    Shallow end of the gene pool doesn't even begin to describe these hillbilly jack offs.

  49. LibertyLover

    They should rename the show: "Life's a Beach." Instead of "Life's a Tripp" because the latter sounds fun and the former is what the show actually is.

  50. aklibtard

    You're too hard on Willow. She's just a little sister that's been bullied by her whiny older sister/grifter her entire horrible Palin life. She's a girl whose teen years will forever be marred by being Bristol's bitch on TV. Also.

  51. Negropolis

    She's cooking chicken when she should be cooking the Alaska state dish: Meth.

    Meth; it's what's for dinner.

  52. SolitaireRose

    Didn't this show do so poorly they moved it to infomercial time or Oprah's teevee channel or something?

  53. danielwalldammit

    Hey now, let's not forget the whole pushing-a-three-year-old-to-enter-a-snowmobile-race theme. Seriously, can you say pressure? I mean seriously, what an a needless load of drama they dumped on that poor kid.

Comments are closed.