Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because “homosexuals.” Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don’t remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it’s “Valentimes” Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp.
But if things are jiving just right between Gino and Bristol — despite her not putting out, according to her — things are coming to a head between Bristol and her sister Willow, who is very aggressive and has a sort of mannish affect, very Rosie O’Donnell, you know, but not jolly?
Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow.
But then! Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven! And finally, after the third “Be-Gone!” Willow goes, and then Bristol spends the rest of the episode complaining to everyone that Willow “left her hanging” and abandoned her during the cookery.
And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?
So a) Did Bristol even watch this episode? And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?
Neither Bristol nor Willow is a nice person, though Willow’s version is more aggressive and Bristol’s more feminine and passively spiteful. We didn’t watch the second ep, about Tripp crying in the Iditarod Pup Race or whatever, because it turns out the amount he was in the premiere (about two minutes) is really about all we want to see of Young Master Tripp.
Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.
Until next week!