WE THINK WE JUST GOT STUPIDER  3:05 pm July 11, 2012

‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Willow Palin: why so serious?Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because “homosexuals.” Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don’t remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it’s “Valentimes” Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp.

But if things are jiving just right between Gino and Bristol — despite her not putting out, according to her — things are coming to a head between Bristol and her sister Willow, who is very aggressive and has a sort of mannish affect, very Rosie O’Donnell, you know, but not jolly?

Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow.

But then! Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven! And finally, after the third “Be-Gone!” Willow goes, and then Bristol spends the rest of the episode complaining to everyone that Willow “left her hanging” and abandoned her during the cookery.

And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

So a) Did Bristol even watch this episode? And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?

Neither Bristol nor Willow is a nice person, though Willow’s version is more aggressive and Bristol’s more feminine and passively spiteful. We didn’t watch the second ep, about Tripp crying in the Iditarod Pup Race or whatever, because it turns out the amount he was in the premiere (about two minutes) is really about all we want to see of Young Master Tripp.

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

Until next week!

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 236 comments }

nounverb911 July 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’
She got knocked up?

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

She realized she's a Palin?

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm

If that's Willow's pic up there, I'd say you're probly right. She's looking puffy like a pregnant woman.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 1:20 am

Sounds more lesbian to me.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Lesbians don't get pregnant that often. Although you wouldn't know that from Noe Valley.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm

How does lesbian get pragnant? How is lesbian babby form?Spent many of my formative years in Noe Valley, Collingwood St. between 18th & 19th across from the playground…

dogscantlookup July 12, 2012 at 2:06 am

Fuck the upperclass
Versigtig, ek's nog steeds fokken giftig
Yo, fuck a rich bitch!!1!

Barb July 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Probably just a scorching case of herpes.

PubOption July 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I'm pleased to know that someone is watching this, so I don't have to!

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Although, I'd rather know someone was testing out a pig heart for my benefit than having to endure this.

EDIT: A donated pig heart from a pig that was in a car accident.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Why do you want them testing a pig heart, dude? The pig might be needing it, or something. Also, too, why in a car accident? Such a waste of fine … Baconz.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:05 pm

No pigs were harmed in the making of these comments.

annettaj July 11, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Yeah, but will there be bacon anyway?

real_dc_native July 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I'm glad for Intern Riley, that he has moved on otherwise you know who would have to watch this.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Did one of the Palin clan win the idiotarod race this year on their "snow machines?"

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Y'know, I'll bet Todd's dogs all have really weird exotic names like "Bob" and "Doug" and "Richard"

worrytron July 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Why is snow machine in quotes?

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Because everywhere* else they're called "snowmobiles"?

*And by "everywhere", I mean "where I live."

worrytron July 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Huh… where do you live? I've always heard them called snowmachines up here in the maritimes. I've heard snowmobile too and all, but it seems like a strange thing to harp on wrt the Palins. I mean, there's so much ELSE to work with. And it's not like snowmobile sounds… sophisticated or anything.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Michigan's Upper Peninsula, covered with trees (and in the winter 250 inches of snow), surrounded by 3 of the five Great Lakes, and further north than some of Canada's larger cities. A popular "sport" here is driving a snowmobile through the pristine wilderness from bar to bar. The goal, besides making loud, flatulent diesely noises, is to avoid the trees which are apt to jump right in front the snowmobiles (even more apt as the evening wears on).

I don't particularly care what the Palins call them and I understand perfectly that common items can have different regional names, all perfectly legitimate. I just get annoyed with the whole nobody else knows what winter or the wilderness is like except us Alaskans, blah blah blah. We are so tough and frontiery and the rest of you are just a bunch of sissified elitist nancypants.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Sorry that you think my snark is strange and that I am harping on anything.

lunchbox360 July 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

So what do the rubes in the maritimes (WTF) call machines that make snow?

viennawoods13 July 12, 2012 at 12:45 am

Yeah. In Ontario I have never heard them referred to as anything but snowmobiles. Unless it's as "god-damned noisy gas-eating pains in the ass"

Barb July 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

Vienna! I may be moving to Canada for two years. Thanks for the heads up.

Gratuitous World July 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Judd Apatow produces this, right?

ChernobylSoup July 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

True story: I was researching federal grants this morning and saw an RFP for "competitive abstinence" training.

James Michael Curley July 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Sounds messy.

FlownOver July 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Like a kick in the nads? 'Cause that would work.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm

There are people who actually pay other people lots of money to kick them in the 'nads. It's called "ball-busting," and it's a sexual fetish, and antidepressants can, apparently, curb the desire.

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Seriously?

What's it pay? Cuz I'm in a dry spell…

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The only sport where coming in first makes you a loser.

CapnRadio July 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

This–THIS–is why I want to have your platonic, guy-on-guy Internet comedy baby.

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 7:22 pm

In the immortal words of Mama Grizzly: "The world needs more platonic, guy-on-guy Internet comedy babies, not fewer."

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

A contest to see who has the bluest balls?

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Oh I saw that one! George won the contest, but later admitted to Jerry that he cheated.

Baconzgood July 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Even Ron Popeil would think that was stupid.

BarackMyWorld July 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Willow may be the smartest Palin, but that's a little like being the tallest midget.

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Ironically, Willow was the tallest midget.

CapnRadio July 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

You are great!

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 7:23 pm

NO U R!!

Seriously, though, your comment below killed. I did not want to say so directly for fear of marring its collar with a wantonly rouge reply.

LetUsBray July 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I thought He Who Must Not Be Named On Wonkette was the smartest Palin?

worrytron July 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

We all know Piper is the smartest. She's master of us all, we just don't know it yet.

lunchbox360 July 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Or the most beautiful ape.

CapnRadio July 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Congratulations, Rebecca; you just spent more time analyzing Bristol's choices and actions than she herself ever did.

Pragmatist2 July 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Answering the question "what's the matter with Willow?" would require the hearer to 1) believe in and 2) understand Evolution, so no Palin qualifies.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Nature or nurture?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Next episode:
Bristol tries to dry the poodle in the microwave. Hilarity ensues.

Billmatic July 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Willow's gonna grow up and be a free love pot smoking renegade.

Fingers crossed that she's also gay that'll really throw the Palins for a loop.

Terry July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

In that family, to be a true renegade she'd have to avoid becoming pregnant in her teen years, attend college and graduate in a reasonable amount of time, and then be gainfully employed.

Billmatic July 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

That's what I meant! And she'll get gay married to her life partner and raise Tripp anyway.

Local_Mojo July 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Needs more Button Gwinnett!

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

"…by having his friends cut down her trees,"

This is a euphemism right?

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I guess those trees weren't just the right height.

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree…

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

That was my first thought…

gvvt July 11, 2012 at 4:32 pm

euphemasia

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Anyone named Willow should be a bit nervous when they start talking about cutting trees.

gurukalehuru July 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Then they "mowed" her "lawn"

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Trim that hedge!

Dildeaux July 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

The "curtains" are brown…

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

As Willow predicted: She answered, "This very night, before the cock burns, you will disown me three times."

FlownOver July 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Jesus, what a comment!

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"Put the chicken in the oven."

Is that what the youngs are now calling the dirty deed?

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

We used to call them peckers. Maybe this is hipster-ironic?

Fare la Volpe July 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

And after fucking Bristol enough times, you can bet Gino's cock burns.

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Yes, but less than the tube sock did.

UnholyMoses July 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Gino would've been better served by fucking that chicken …

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

"after fucking Bristol enough times"

Or even once.

glasspusher July 11, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Zero can be enough for some people!

glasspusher July 11, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Getting that comment made being raised catholic a little more worthwhile. I upfist all over your face in respect, sir.

FlownOver July 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

" And b) is Willow’s short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol’s calumnies with a fact-based defense?"

It's a dominant trait in the clan. The inbreeding don't help none.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

If you asked Willow that, she would say yes, Bristol has callused knees! That slut!

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

If she stuck to that she wouldn't have gotten pregnant though. But then I guess she doesn't know how babby is formed.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"she doesn't know how babby is formed"

Or what to do with it thereafter, apparently.

GemlikeFlame July 12, 2012 at 9:35 am

There's nothing wrong with Bristol, Willow, and Piper that can't be fixed by a complete replacement of their DNA. Wait, I forgot, there's that nature vs nurture thing. Sorry, they're screwed.

Eve8Apples July 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Who the hell is sponsoring this shit? Any company publicly associating with the Palins and paying money to put this insane drivel on American televisions should be sued by their shareholders.

FlownOver July 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

If, by "shareholders" you mean "peasants," and by "sued" you mean "pursued with scythes and pitchforks by torchlight."

tbogg July 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Cliffhanger end to season: Is Piper knocked up yet?

Sorry. I guess I should have put up a spoiler alert.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

With Palins involved, the show is the spoiler.

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And based on the ratings, the show will end on the cliffhanger, like Twin Peaks, Benson or Alf, and we'll never know.

CapnRadio July 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Wait up. I'm not keen on the new slang. "Roast a chicken" means "dry hump her boyfriend," right? Right?!

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Keep roastin' that chicken!

elviouslyqueer July 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It's like a mashup of the Beverly Hillbillies and Jersey Shore, on a really really low budget.

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

They should infuse some of Jed's "Big Money".

Terry July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I was thinking it's more of a combination of Deliverance and The Donner Party.

SayItWithWookies July 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Needs moar cannibalamism.

Nothingisamiss July 11, 2012 at 3:55 pm

You've just made me want to see this.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Jersey Whore

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Wow. That was really hard to masturbate too and now I have blue balls, and also a headache, too.

CapnRadio July 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Quitter.

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Given the circumstances, I think it's quite appropriate to stop halfway through.

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Well, I won't quibble, but it is her Mother that quits. Bristol goes all the way.

MittBorg July 11, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Does that mean you're gonna refuse to have sex with yourself?

Barb July 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Breasts up, legs in the air, it's Bristol's "chicken imitates life" special recipe.

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Did she marinate it with Bartles & James?

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Particularly since it's sitting on a can of beer.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Something tells me that Bristol can comfortably fit a six pack in her "koozie"

Jus_Wonderin July 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Yeah, but can she open the cans with it? (I typed that outloud, didn't I?)

Theywontlisten July 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I peed

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:18 pm

"Breasts up, legs in the air, it's Bristol's "chicken imitates life" special recipe."

And just to be three for three, it lays an egg before it's finished cooking.

Dildeaux July 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

^^^WINS TWATTERTOOBZ FOR THE DAY^^^

Billmatic July 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

By the way prepare for the American Empire under President Tripp Palin, 2060

FlownOver July 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

He's the smart one, right?

I MEAN COMPARED TO HIS "GRANDMOTHER!" PUT THE BANHAMMER DOWN AND BACK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!

Goonemeritus July 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I will not let my sons watch this show for fear it might one day obstruct my supply of grandchildren.

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees

One was the pizza guy, one was the pool boy, one was the guy offering her a lift after her flat tire and "cut down her trees" is Alaskan code for "fuck every orifice so she can't get no air."

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Not to be a buzzkill here, but I don't think they have pool boys in Alaska.

How about hot tub maintenance guy?

Or sauna installer? I'd spank Bristol with birch branches.

OneYieldRegular July 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars."

Oblios_Cap July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Lumberjackery!

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Are you attempting to imply that Gino is "OK"? I beg to differ! (Perhaps because all I know about him, I learned on Wonkette)

BarackMyWorld July 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

She should do another PSA with the Situation so she can seem smart average again by comparison.

ChernobylSoup July 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

In ancient China is was considered an honor to be eunuched in order to serve the empress. What's Gino's excuse?

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Dumb fuck?

fartknocker July 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Ms. January for The People of Walmart calender.

Extemporanus July 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

SKULLFUCK YOUR TELEVISION!

MissTaken July 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Ah yes, the traditional Valentime's gift of deforestation. Nothing says romance like a chainsaw.

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Ayyyyyyyyyyy, diamond chips!

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

But nothing says "I love you" like a spatula.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Spatula World!! For all your spatula needs!

Fare la Volpe July 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

4 out of 5 axe murderers agree

redarmyzombie July 12, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Strange, I thought that was whore diamonds…

SayItWithWookies July 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Does this show begin with "Welcome to the possibly last episode of 'Too obscure to even be covered breathlessly by HuffingtonPost.com'?"

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Dear God, I hope so.

Fare la Volpe July 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Bristol Palin's Deep Fried Sideboob (PHOTOS)

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I sort of feel bad for Bristol. All that surgery to her face and she's starting to load weight on like Delta Burke.

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

While in the public eye she seems to have gone from 18 to 30 – completely missed her 20's.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

IQ points or age?

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Those two quantities, for a Palin, are like cars on a funicular railway – as one goes up, the other goes down.

kissawookiee July 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven!

Bristle and Willow are Muslim-divorced now? CREEPING SHARIA, PEOPLE.

Poindexter718 July 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Needs moar cement pond.

Oblios_Cap July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

and less vittles.

Self-Uploader July 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Beverly Hillbilly libel!

Poindexter718 July 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Wasilla Sn*wbilly libel!

SoBeach July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I get it!

No wait, I don't.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

What's the matter with Willow

Whenever the Palins are involved, the most likely answer is a cocktail of wine coolers, meth, and tertiary syphilis.

rmjagg July 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

enough to fill a garbage can , and chugged all at once

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 2:23 am

Tertiary Syphilis would make an awesome name for a garage band.

Blunderthing July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Stupid really is becoming a "Proudly Made In America" product.

fartknocker July 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The Queen of Wasilla daughters have had more cocks than Ted Nugent's favorite gun.

Baconzgood July 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Jees M(r)s. Schoenkopf,

How can you watch 2 seconds of these screeching cunts?

Fare la Volpe July 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Rebecca once briefly worked in the screeching cunt house at a local zoo. Feeding time was horrid.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Appears to be all the confirmation I never needed that my decision not to watch was the correct decision.

elburritodeluxe July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Oh my God, you guys! Willow is such a bitch when she can't score any Meth!

Crank_Tango July 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Or perhaps it was Levi who quit pulling out half-way through. I am not even sure how that works, but whatever.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

It doesn't, that's the thing.

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Hey, it's that or waste a Kleenex.

Estproph July 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

In Alaska, television show turns off you!

actor212 July 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I can see Russia from my back!

va_real July 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Unexpected upside to this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mjt6JrT77xM&fe

Pres.Beeblebrox July 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Jesus Wept.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

With His eyes closed and His fingers in His ears.

MissTaken July 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Willow's just scared because she got her period and no woman in the Palin clan has ever had a period to explain to her what is happening.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

On the next episode………….
Gino impresses Todd with the fact the he takes most of the dishes out of the kitchen sink before peeing into it.

pinkocommi July 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

To all of those who think that Kardashian show is the most vapid thing ever, let me introduce you to the Palins'.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Kudos to you for not even realizing that it has for years been "those Kardashian shows", for there are many.

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Legion, in fact.

mavenmaven July 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

This show is ret**ded.

va_real July 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

redacted?

Generation[redacted] July 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Hey!

va_real July 11, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Hey there!

Gopherit July 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

It has to be said over and over that while Trig may be developmentally disabled, the biggest genetic disadvantage he has is being born a Palin, the poor kid.

emmelemm July 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

We prefer "Wee Todd Did".

Baconzgood July 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

It's not nice to equate the mentally challenged to this pile of steamy turd stupid.

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

What's the matter with Willow is that she went mad, turned to dark magic and tried to destroy the world after Warren shot and killed her girlfriend.

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Mmmmm… that was easy to fap to.

GeorgiaBurning July 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm

excellent reference, isn't there a hellmouth near Wasilla?

SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm

It would explain all the meth and that screeching harpy.

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 4:11 pm

" isn't there a hellmouth near Wasilla?"

Yes, her name is Sarah.

doloras July 11, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Bored now.

Sharkey July 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

These are young women we're talking about? What was the question?

ChessieNefercat July 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Willow’s… Bristol’s…fact-based…"
1) Palins and "fact-based" in the same sentence! LOL! Not something you expect to see if you have ever listened to any Palin say anything ever.

"Until next week!"
2) Why? I mean, why watch it again? Because if we are looking for a how low can they go moment, it won't happen. These are Palins so there is no bottom.

Edit: I'm horrified to see that I used "LOL." Must step away from the doltbilly stories.

CrunchyKnee July 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

This shit sounds so bad, that I would probably watch NASCAR rather than this show.

Nostrildamus July 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

Enlisting your buds to wax your girlfriend? LA is weird.

Gopherit July 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Jeebus, all that stupid concentrated in a half hour show. I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:43 pm

"I think I am allergic to it, because it's making me itch."

You're not allergic to the show, you caught crabs from it.

kittensdontlie July 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

To avoid an intelligence-upstage on the starring Palens, the producer cut Young Master Tripp's facetime.

Antispandex July 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Bristol and her "show" fall into the category of things for which there is not enough booze on the planet.

wvfii July 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

come with me on an adventure, won't you, to a land where the current first family comes within 40 million miles of the level of trashiness that the Palins display on the reg. can you even *imagine* the level of wingnut hysteria?

ElPinche July 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I just got syphillis/herpes simplex 13 just reading about these white-trash cum dumpsters.

ttommyunger July 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Needz moar buttsecks!

Sharkey July 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Maybe next time Gino will "do" Willow since Bristol won't put out. Like a soap opera, ya know?

Gopherit July 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm
SorosBot July 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm

The most important thing about the show is that so few people watched that, after just two episodes, Lifetime moved it to 11 PM and stuck reruns of something called Dance Moms in its time slot:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/tv-column/pos

sullivanst July 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Dance Moms – one of very few things on this planet that introduces a modicum of doubt that the Palins are the worst people on it. TLC has the other: Toddlers and Tiaras – freeway wreck TV, you don't want to look, but you can't not as you pass by.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 2:28 am

Dance Moms is as horrible as it sounds, probably more so.

Dildeaux July 12, 2012 at 10:06 am

Typical liebrul media bias.

elburritodeluxe July 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

God, Willow, chill out! Your Wonkette stickers will be in the mail soon!

CivicHoliday July 11, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Really, this is too much. It's one thing to skim a bad novel for the World 'O Books, but to watch an entire episode of visual herpes for our sakes is crossing a line. Please be kind to yourself and remove this atrocity from your DVR series recording list. Just drink a bunch of beer and read a synopsis on Perez Hilton instead.

Barb July 11, 2012 at 4:22 pm

These two sisters have had more balls in their mouth than the Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Nope. Will not watch, will not read.

chascates July 11, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Obviously her many fans have different ideas. Three comments from her site:

Really enjoyed your show tonite. I had several laugh out loud moments. Also had a “ahh now I remember what it was like to have siblings”. Tripp was adorable as usual and I bet will be involved with the iron pup next yr. Gino is a very nice guy, Bristol! So brave of you to do the reindeer race.

Bristol,
I love your show! I love Alaska. However, I have to tell you, I really like Willow also. She is a typical 17 year old. She is also honest and beautiful. Don’t be so hard on her. (You did hit her with the fridge door.)
Gino is a great catch, hold onto him. :-)

I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it.

real_dc_native July 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

See, these are the 40% who don't think the 1% are ripping off the rest of us. Now it makes sense.

Either that or they are paid to post to her site.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:52 pm

'I couldn’t get the player to play unfortunately and I don’t get the channel your show is on so I’ve never seen it."

"…In fact, now that I think about it, this really isn't much of a comment, and I don't know why I posted it."

elburritodeluxe July 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Oh my GOD, you slackers missed "Bristol travels with her to Washington for a CPAC convention" (good luck finding a daddy for Tripp there, kid) and "Bristol plans a surprise party for her mom." (Mom likes to snort coke off the back seat of a snowmobile, Bristol, hint hint!)

zumpie July 12, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Not to mention their fab adventures in LA—in which both girls rag on clothes being less wintery than Alaska's (ya think?), whine about how superficial and non-family freindly the occupants are and (of course) the delight of Willow's hair endlessly changing back and forth from the blonde effort above, to super dyed brown.

Oh—and the not miss: Willow visits her beard (she's resplendent in a plaid shirt, no less). Beard inquires about LA. Willow snears, "liberal".

rocktonsam July 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Willow Willow Willow= Marsha Marsha Marsha

ElPinche July 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I can't watch the show. My TV doesn't support cunt captioning.

smokefilledroommate July 11, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Gino looks like a human fart.

knuck1es July 11, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Oh! They are two different people. I get it now.

barto July 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Fascinating! Can't wait til it's out on DVD!!!

DahBoner July 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I thought Salvador Dali was dead???

How is he able to produce surreal pieces like this???

smokefilledroommate July 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Willow does seem creepy and disaffected. I think she was telling the truth when she said, "I don't have a heart".

Guppy July 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times

Out in Real America™, a homeowner saying that once would make the other person a trespasser, and we all know what happens to trespassers in Real America™.

Why didn't Bristol Stand Her Ground? Why does Bristol hate guns, America and Jesus?

larrykat July 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Isn't Valentimes Day when we exhibit feats of strength and air our grievances?

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:58 pm

I don't know, but I'm quite sure there's a pole involved.

gurukalehuru July 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Oh, I know lots of people who say Valentimes Day. The also say Febuary and liberry, but that last one just creeps into the conversation if they're giving directions and say "turn left at the liberry," because it's not like they actually ever go to one.
Is Gino from the Midwest, by any chance?

Walkinwiddaking July 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm

"Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a “brat” and “psychotic,” which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow."

Maybe they get that from being the offspring of a twostepsfrombeingtotaltrailertrashkindamom…I mean.. the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate. Crazy country, yes?

pdiddycornchips July 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Can we please talk about something else? Here's a list of topics more interesting and thought provoking.

Every other thing in the entire universe.

Tundra Grifter July 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Or, of course, the classic "All of them, Katie."

lochnessmonster July 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I thought Willow was still in HS…or is Bristol homeschooling her? YIKES!

lochnessmonster July 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Circle speak runs in the family…

Generation[redacted] July 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Gino? Is there people go when they don't make cast of Jersey Shore?

fuflans July 11, 2012 at 5:40 pm

'merica fuck yeah.

C_R_Eature July 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

OW MY BRAINS

Nostrildamus July 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I see the makings of a cult favorite.

docterry6973 July 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Willow looks a lot like her mother – and I mean that as a compliment. However I will not watch this show, ever, because I am plenty depressed already.

CheeseNPear July 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Valumtimes – I sort of think that Bristol and Willow would fit right in with Teen Girl Squad: http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

abbynrml July 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Shallow end of the gene pool doesn't even begin to describe these hillbilly jack offs.

LibertyLover July 11, 2012 at 9:42 pm

They should rename the show: "Life's a Beach." Instead of "Life's a Tripp" because the latter sounds fun and the former is what the show actually is.

tessiee July 11, 2012 at 11:02 pm

What's the matter with that hair-do?

ChessieNefercat July 12, 2012 at 8:26 am

A lot.

aklibtard July 12, 2012 at 1:06 am

You're too hard on Willow. She's just a little sister that's been bullied by her whiny older sister/grifter her entire horrible Palin life. She's a girl whose teen years will forever be marred by being Bristol's bitch on TV. Also.

Negropolis July 12, 2012 at 2:26 am

She's cooking chicken when she should be cooking the Alaska state dish: Meth.

Meth; it's what's for dinner.

rte148 July 12, 2012 at 5:54 am

I'm glad someone else is not watching this either

SolitaireRose July 12, 2012 at 7:51 am

Didn't this show do so poorly they moved it to infomercial time or Oprah's teevee channel or something?

danielwalldammit July 16, 2012 at 10:18 am

Hey now, let's not forget the whole pushing-a-three-year-old-to-enter-a-snowmobile-race theme. Seriously, can you say pressure? I mean seriously, what an a needless load of drama they dumped on that poor kid.

worrytron July 11, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Hmm, well, I guess snowmachine is also an eastern Canadian thing? Dunno man. Alaskans can suck it, sure, and it's not like Newfie is known for its snow or anything…. you can put the measuring tape away, there.

va_real July 11, 2012 at 9:12 pm

What sort of angel would you be without your harp???

flamingpdog July 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Things are getting weird here these days – I got chastised the other night for saying "on the rag".

viennawoods13 July 12, 2012 at 9:29 am

It depends where you move, Barb. I literally did not have to put up with hearing them until I moved from the burbs/Toronto at the age of 23 to a small village. Then I had to put up with jerks driving them down the main street. Now that we are right out in the country, surrounded by orchards, we hear them rarely. Is nice. Last winter not at all, because no snow. Oh, and if you come, welcome!

Barb July 12, 2012 at 9:29 am

FlamingPDog, must be the heat.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm

My favourite sushi place was there and for many years, I would commute down to my job on the peninsula, and drive home via a stop for sushi in Noe Valley. The last time I was there, it seemed like every fucking woman within a mile was either pushing a baby carriage or a baby bump. AIEEE!!! Attack of the killer pragnut lesbiannnnnnzzzzzzzzzzz! I'm not thrilled at having my favourite drinking establishments overrun by babbys formed and un, but more power to teh laydeez, hopefully they'll raise some decent human beings.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Dear ol' Dad used to tend bar at the Twin Peaks Tavern, now called The Edge.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm

A Mormon, tending bar? Well, paint me pink and call me a Cadillac. I used to go drinking at the Twin Peaks with my dear friend Jeyhan. We'd check out the boys in the neighbourhood, look-no-touch, since we were both partnered at the time.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Not to avert shame from any part of my family, but that wasn't Dad's church. He was a Southern Baptist who converted to Presbyterian for the dancing at the USO, I suppose. Good thing I'm no longer confused! Twin Peaks was a smoky dive back then, before gentrification. I got to hang out, drinking Shirley Temples and eating bar snacks. Good times.

MittBorg July 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Yeah, I hung out there in its dive days. I'll bet we actually saw each other, but, Wonketz being in our future, recognition did not occur.

How wild is that? (Hugs the Biff)

Barb July 12, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Thanks Vienna (hugs)

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: