stylish mittens

Get Your Kewl Old-Timey Rags From the Mitt Romney Vintage Stores

Peak CoolWhat must Mitt Romney do to reach the kids? How about a filter, on the iPhone? The kids know how to game that. Then maybe… t-shirts with a photograph of a Latin American leftist revolutionary? That would be sort of leftist. Okay, let’s settle for totebags and stuff that look like Scooby Doo art. It’s all for sale in the official Mitt Romney Vintage collection!

For $20, you can be the proud owner of this “Vintage Romney 2012 Canvas Tote,” like all the Civil Rights Marchers and Feminists carried while they were fighting the cops and the patriarchy, in the 1960s.

Or how about the $35 Vintage Romney Three-Quarter Sleeve Henley, like they used to wear in Vintage times? It’s like all those competitive sport athletes in the 70s and stoners in Dazed and Confused used to wear: You got the one color on the bottom, see, but then there’s a different color on top, and then you put them together and it’s a shirt.

Maybe you’re poor, like some people were in the 60s. For only three dollars (in 2012 dollars), you can buy this photo button of Mitt Romney with his father, George, who was a politician in the 60s. He lived it!

[Mitt Romney Vintage Collection]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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          1. PubOption

            I thought the red lump was an apple, although it looks a bit ragged at the bottom…

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Is that what that bird is? I thought it looked more like a chicken.

      What is it about Romney's and weird bird art? I didn't check the prices–does the tee with the footless bird cost as much as Mrs. "I-worked-my-fingers-to-the-bone" Romney's cost?

  1. actor212

    That's very stylish, a three button Henley. How avant garde! Most Henleys only have two buttons. He wants us to show chest hair.

    1. CapnRadio

      Just wait until you see the Romney 2012 trousers! So easy to unzip to see just how stiff you aren't!

      1. Isyaignert

        Remember, the Internets is a series of tubes not trucks per that dead Republicon douchebag Alaskan senator.

    1. 12X34X

      I noticed that every time I voted, it raised the percentages by one tenth of a percent. So, I stuck with it a while. Thanks. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

      1. Terry

        By a company that used to have factories in the Carolinas, but who relocated after a take over by a Bain-like firm.

      2. anniegetyerfun

        I DOES say Made in America on the description, I'll give them that much. Then again, most "Made in America" tags are probably made in China.

    1. AbandonHope

      China is probably too expensive — I'd guess Indonesia, Macau, Haiti, the Philippines perhaps.

  2. Lazy Media

    Is that eagle a girl eagle who is motorboating a dude in a hoodie? Because that's all I can see when I look at it.

  3. PuckStopsHere

    Costs be dammed, I'm totally getting that tote bag for myself to hold my shrooms and will then take it with me when I totes hit Haight-Ashbury cause the logo is, like, psychedelic. That Romney must be one cool-ass dude, dudes.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Gotta have the shrooms. The Morms know you don't get visits from the Angel Moroni by toking on straight weed..

  4. Wadisay

    Romney 2012 Unisex White Tee

    And here I thought Romney believed that t-shirts were between one man and one woman.

    1. Biff

      If a t-shirt is all that separates me from a woman, then by all means, I'm taking it off.

  5. SorosBot

    I thought vintage referred to actual old-time clothing, not stuff that's just made to look old-timey.

  6. HempDogbane

    I'm getting the coffee mug with his policy positions printed on the side that change when it heats up.

    1. AbandonHope

      Please, please, PLEASE start a Cafepress store and sell these. I would pay you so many Ameros.

    1. mavenmaven

      I suspect we won't be seeing too many of these t-shirts on Sat nights at the Echo "Funky Sole" events.

  7. charliearglist

    If I were a heartless, filthy rich oligarch with designs on world domination I would have hired a decent graphic designer. But maybe it's one of those things where he had to hire a Mormon, the way Tom Cruise has to hire fellow Scientologists as poolboys.

  8. Baconzgood

    Fuck that shit. I got a tote bag from NPR two years ago and it couldn't tote a toting thing that needed to be toted in a tote factory.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Totebags?? Isn't toting what I pay my personal assistants to do? (OK, they are just illegals, but they do have strong arms from all that rigorous farmwork).

        1. SorosBot

          In Wonkette drink-up tradition, they'll probably be so blurry even I won't be able to tell which one is you.

  9. a_pink_poodle

    Come on people now, hate on your brother, everybody get together, and try to hate one another right now!

  10. Jus_Wonderin

    If, instead of putting a Henley over you head, you stick your legs in the sleeves as if pants, well, you have a really, really cool pair of pajama bottoms. And, I do mean cool.

    1. kittensdontlie

      But the Conservative poors from Podunkville USA are buying these, and they not so fashion trendy as we liberal elites.

  11. widestanceromance

    I guess they're vintage because they are recycled from his long career of running for president. Like the registration stickers on a car, a new one placed over years of expired ones.

  12. MissTaken

    I'm very excited to wear a $3 button of two white men in ties demonstrating how to choke a bitch.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Why in god's name is Romney selling a button with a photo of him and his dad? Does every Republican running for President have daddy issues?

    1. actor212

      A Romney Etch-a-Sketch, now that would have been funny and shown he has a sense of humour. That might have made me reconsider, however briefly, my animosity towards him.

  13. CapnRadio

    Be the envy of all the other kids on your block by being the first to have George Romney's leathery old hand pinned to your chest!

    And buy a button too!

  14. mavenmaven

    But for the rich donors in the Hamptons, purchasing the "vintage" collection gets you the best bottles of rare varietal vintage for several thousand dollars a bottle.

  15. weejee

    They stole that pose of the eagle from the nest cams. It's the duck and cover (with your wings) the little fish you just stole from your fellow pre-fledgling. Steal it, and then shelter it, the perfect Rmoney-Bain-Cayman logo.

  16. VaWyo

    To be more hip than Obama he is going to need to sell Romney 2012 bongs and even that might not do it.

  17. Estproph

    It looks like the "vintage" aspect of the logo is the fact that the design screams "Look at me! I'm 1965!"

    1. emmelemm

      That's a fantastic idea, actually. I bet some enterprising Etsy-er could knit some up.

      1. AbandonHope

        Since most enterprising Etsy-ers are already Chinese resellers, Romney should just co-opt them and make a killing.

  18. CountryClubJihadi

    It looks like road kill. Now they just needs some Mom Jeans with a vintage Romney patch on the back pocket.

    1. SorosBot

      "Moms drive the economy". And moms who actually work for a living even more so.

      Of course, Ann drove the economy by hiring the maids, chefs and the nannies who raised her kids.

      1. Biff

        Moms drive the economy, one Cadillac at a time. The other one is still on the top floor, waiting on the elevator.

    2. Isyaignert

      It's so 'effin' laughable that they think we're falling for their average Joe and Jane routine when all they care about is the uber rich.

      There's no damn reason for anyone to be worth more than $999,999,999.00. That's all you get mofos; it's more than you can spend in your lifetime unless you're trying to buy a president and/or Congress. The rest is taxed at 100%. Don't like it? Move!!

    3. kittensdontlie

      When I look at that t-shirt I get the subliminal message: "Believe in America's Ta-ta's". Am I the only one that sees that??

    1. Hammiepants

      You mean like the ones Mittens has on in the picture? Those are from the Fall "Old White Oligarch" collection, now on sale at JC Penneys!

  19. RedneckMuslin

    I'll wait until after the election when you can pick this shit up for almost nothing.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Yes, and by the way, that's Romney's father…"what happens in mexico, stays in mexico.

  20. ChernobylSoup

    After the election there will be an Internet montage of mug shots featuring bankers wearing those shirts.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      The latter, but only if you've got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on (baby).

  21. TootsStansbury

    If you look at the negative space, it's a siphon, pitting the middle class against one another while sucking the lifeblood of our nation.

  22. Eve8Apples

    How many gold bars will the tote hold?

    I don't think any Romney voter would be caught dead with that crap. There is no designer Louis Vuitton or Hermes logo on it.

  23. DustBowlBlues

    This is a much funnier story when you're an Old and easily confused and read the descriptions under the items, thinking they are the actual ones from the romney hispster factory. That Ginger, he got me again.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    I like the $20 "Believe" poster, with its silhouette of the United States offering a not-so-subtle message in omitting Hawai'i – and another, very-not-so-subtle message in omitting Alaska.

  25. DustBowlBlues

    Judging by the offerings under Vintage, I'm guessing trucknutz are too new to fit in this category. Too bad. That bizarre pac-man inspired chicken would look awesome, dangling from a vintage pickup.

  26. Chichikovovich

    That photo records Mitt trying to talk his dad out of making civil rights an issue. "Dad, I know you really care about this, but the way the Republican party is heading today, it's just not a smart move".

  27. DustBowlBlues

    "Made in the USA" is not only a liberal issue, but typical of labor union stuff. To make the base happy, it should read, "Made by scab honkies in the USA south."

    1. SorosBot

      Or "made by virtual slave labor in the Northern Mariana Islands, which as a US territory allows us to call this 'Made in the USA'".

  28. DahBoner

    I used to use paper filters for my phone, but now I got a stainless steel one and I never have to change it….

  29. elburritodeluxe

    I'm loving the eagle logo, actually. Little known fact, Mormons worship the Eagle as their War God.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      That's for the plebes. People who don't make him shifty eyed and uncomfortable get access to the gold emblazoned Bentley's, yachts and no-bid government contracts.

  30. BornInATrailer

    The t-shirt with the white "Romney" makes me see a short blue wizard (or gnome) making out with Clyde from Pac-Man. Clyde is just all up in that white beard.

  31. ttommyunger

    That confident stride of the Mittster says it for all Rightards: "Clueless, and proud of it!".

  32. Dumbedup

    the logo actually looks vaguely spermatozoic if you squint while holding in a bong hit.

  33. Rotundo_

    I'm sticking with my "Mitt is the Shit!" homemade tee with the big red circle and slash through "the".

  34. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    I have to admit, I thought it was decently cute and clever when the Kerry campaign distributed old-timey-looking "JFK" buttons.

    But, that was because it was meant to be a reference to a Beloved Actual-Election-Winner, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

  35. DemonicRage

    Where was it…nascar where he berated members of the audience for wearing cheap windbreakers as raincoats, and now he has the nerve to try to market this s**t?!?

  36. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Soon to be sold at the Dollar General, Dollar Tree, DEAL$, Family Dollar, Five Below and the 99 Cents Only Stores.

Comments are closed.