stylish mittens

Get Your Kewl Old-Timey Rags From the Mitt Romney Vintage Stores

Peak CoolWhat must Mitt Romney do to reach the kids? How about a filter, on the iPhone? The kids know how to game that. Then maybe… t-shirts with a photograph of a Latin American leftist revolutionary? That would be sort of leftist. Okay, let’s settle for totebags and stuff that look like Scooby Doo art. It’s all for sale in the official Mitt Romney Vintage collection!

For $20, you can be the proud owner of this “Vintage Romney 2012 Canvas Tote,” like all the Civil Rights Marchers and Feminists carried while they were fighting the cops and the patriarchy, in the 1960s.

Or how about the $35 Vintage Romney Three-Quarter Sleeve Henley, like they used to wear in Vintage times? It’s like all those competitive sport athletes in the 70s and stoners in Dazed and Confused used to wear: You got the one color on the bottom, see, but then there’s a different color on top, and then you put them together and it’s a shirt.

Maybe you’re poor, like some people were in the 60s. For only three dollars (in 2012 dollars), you can buy this photo button of Mitt Romney with his father, George, who was a politician in the 60s. He lived it!

[Mitt Romney Vintage Collection]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Errr, not for nothing, but that eagle's wing is its *left* wing…

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Raptor libel! The American eagle has no left wing!

      • emmelemm

        So it just flies around in circles, all day long…

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          That would explain our foreign policy.

        • SorosBot

          It's not flying now, but looks like it's humping that read lump thingy.

          • MissTaken

            ♫ Let the Eagle Hump ♫

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
          • PubOption

            I thought the red lump was an apple, although it looks a bit ragged at the bottom…

        • PubOption

          Ever decreasing circles, like the Oozulum bird?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Is that what that bird is? I thought it looked more like a chicken.

      What is it about Romney's and weird bird art? I didn't check the prices–does the tee with the footless bird cost as much as Mrs. "I-worked-my-fingers-to-the-bone" Romney's cost?

    • Isyaignert

      You are the smartest one in class; well played!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    That's very stylish, a three button Henley. How avant garde! Most Henleys only have two buttons. He wants us to show chest hair.

    • CapnRadio

      Just wait until you see the Romney 2012 trousers! So easy to unzip to see just how stiff you aren't!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Stiff trousers, tho.

    • scionkirk

      I think its to give his thick necked supporters a little more breathing room

  • crittersbybritty

    Posting this again, want to go and have some fun freeping a Obamacare poll? Here it is
    http://www.petesessions.com/

    Poll is on the right hand side. Vote early, vote often!

    • Terry

      Oh, I love it! Pete's finding out he's on the losing side of public opinion

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I'm glad Pete let each of my personalities vote!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Got it to better than 2 to 1. Your turn.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      68/32 and climbing. Lather, rinse, repeat.

      And to think this guy gets a vote on cybersecurity bills…

      • Isyaignert

        Remember, the Internets is a series of tubes not trucks per that dead Republicon douchebag Alaskan senator.

    • Callyson

      The Yes side is up 68% – 32%. USA! USA!

    • Isyaignert

      Gawd bless ya britty; that was the most fun I've had all day!

    • 12X34X

      I noticed that every time I voted, it raised the percentages by one tenth of a percent. So, I stuck with it a while. Thanks. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

  • nounverb911

    Are they selling slaves illegals to do the laundering?

  • nounverb911

    Where in China were they made?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Oh, please, please, please.

      • Terry

        By a company that used to have factories in the Carolinas, but who relocated after a take over by a Bain-like firm.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I DOES say Made in America on the description, I'll give them that much. Then again, most "Made in America" tags are probably made in China.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          But not Amercia?

        • Preferred Customer

          Mexicans are Americans too, my friend.

    • AbandonHope

      China is probably too expensive — I'd guess Indonesia, Macau, Haiti, the Philippines perhaps.

  • Lazy Media

    Is that eagle a girl eagle who is motorboating a dude in a hoodie? Because that's all I can see when I look at it.

    • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

      Brilliant! That's all I can see now too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oh. I thought she was hugging the red ghost from Pac Man…

  • StealthMuslin

    What the hell is that thing? Romney as a Pac-Man ghost?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Pac-Man Merlin.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'll stick with my "don't teabag on me" T-shirt. Thanks!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Costs be dammed, I'm totally getting that tote bag for myself to hold my shrooms and will then take it with me when I totes hit Haight-Ashbury cause the logo is, like, psychedelic. That Romney must be one cool-ass dude, dudes.

    • kittensdontlie

      Gotta have the shrooms. The Morms know you don't get visits from the Angel Moroni by toking on straight weed..

  • nounverb911

    Do they accept Swiss Francs?

  • Wadisay

    Romney 2012 Unisex White Tee

    And here I thought Romney believed that t-shirts were between one man and one woman.

    • Biff

      If a t-shirt is all that separates me from a woman, then by all means, I'm taking it off.

  • SorosBot

    I thought vintage referred to actual old-time clothing, not stuff that's just made to look old-timey.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

      Nah, it's just a marketing gimmick that allows you to jack up the price at least 200%.

  • HempDogbane

    I'm getting the coffee mug with his policy positions printed on the side that change when it heats up.

    • DustBowlBlues

      This one is a big win. Fuck you, Hemp, for being funnier than I.

      • HempDogbane

        I also happen to be covered with dust right now. Win-win !

    • AbandonHope

      Please, please, PLEASE start a Cafepress store and sell these. I would pay you so many Ameros.

    • bobbert

      Brilliant.

  • JackDempsey1

    Is there some kind of discount on merch for sister wives?

    • va_real

      You should have just grabbed one after the sewing bee.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Are these meant to be worn ironically, much like an Echo Park hipster drinks PBR?

    • mavenmaven

      I suspect we won't be seeing too many of these t-shirts on Sat nights at the Echo "Funky Sole" events.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    but the canvas tote is filled with plastic Wal-Mart bags.

    • Isyaignert

      All made in China.

  • charliearglist

    If I were a heartless, filthy rich oligarch with designs on world domination I would have hired a decent graphic designer. But maybe it's one of those things where he had to hire a Mormon, the way Tom Cruise has to hire fellow Scientologists as poolboys.

  • Baconzgood

    Fuck that shit. I got a tote bag from NPR two years ago and it couldn't tote a toting thing that needed to be toted in a tote factory.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Public Broadcasting libel!

    • anniegetyerfun

      But did you get a Nina Totenbag?

    • kittensdontlie

      Totebags?? Isn't toting what I pay my personal assistants to do? (OK, they are just illegals, but they do have strong arms from all that rigorous farmwork).

  • MissTaken

    YES! Now I *finally* know what to wear for the Friday drinky thingy!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oh? Will there be a wet T shirt contest?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Does it come in Burberry?

    • SorosBot

      I told you, you should wear the burkha.

      • MissTaken

        You just don't want my boobies showing up in any sideways pics!

        • anniegetyerfun

          Sideboob or GTFO.

          • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Full boob or GTFO

        • SorosBot

          In Wonkette drink-up tradition, they'll probably be so blurry even I won't be able to tell which one is you.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I can't wait to see someone wearing one them T shirts, so I can point and laugh.

  • CapnRadio

    I hear the official RomneyBot Virus Scan Software is well worth the $30.

    • nounverb911

      How much for the actual Romneybot virus?

      • va_real

        Ask the Koch Bros.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Comes on 172 5.25 floppies like space Jebus intended.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Come on people now, hate on your brother, everybody get together, and try to hate one another right now!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    If, instead of putting a Henley over you head, you stick your legs in the sleeves as if pants, well, you have a really, really cool pair of pajama bottoms. And, I do mean cool.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I was thinking: "feed bag."

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    Needs more artisan, less vintage.

    • kittensdontlie

      But the Conservative poors from Podunkville USA are buying these, and they not so fashion trendy as we liberal elites.

  • SoBeach

    That Romney logo looks like an eagle hugging the red Pac Man ghost.

  • widestanceromance

    I guess they're vintage because they are recycled from his long career of running for president. Like the registration stickers on a car, a new one placed over years of expired ones.

  • MissTaken

    I'm very excited to wear a $3 button of two white men in ties demonstrating how to choke a bitch.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Why in god's name is Romney selling a button with a photo of him and his dad? Does every Republican running for President have daddy issues?

  • HarryButtle

    Please tell me one of his kids drew that eagle-thingy.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Isn't an Etch-a-Sketch vintage too?

    • nounverb911

      Just the ones actually made in Ohio.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      A Romney Etch-a-Sketch, now that would have been funny and shown he has a sense of humour. That might have made me reconsider, however briefly, my animosity towards him.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Groovy!!

  • CapnRadio

    Be the envy of all the other kids on your block by being the first to have George Romney's leathery old hand pinned to your chest!

    And buy a button too!

  • sharethegrief

    Will his vintage tax returns be available for purchase?

  • mavenmaven

    But for the rich donors in the Hamptons, purchasing the "vintage" collection gets you the best bottles of rare varietal vintage for several thousand dollars a bottle.

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR POGS!!!!

  • Electric Zen

    Tell you what, I'll go with the 99 cent option:
    http://tinyurl.com/7lehzf5

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The great thing is that Romney is guaranteed a profit even if no one buys any of this and the company goes bankrupt.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    They stole that pose of the eagle from the nest cams. It's the duck and cover (with your wings) the little fish you just stole from your fellow pre-fledgling. Steal it, and then shelter it, the perfect Rmoney-Bain-Cayman logo.

  • sharethegrief

    "My Dad went to Switzerland and all I got was this lousy Blind Trust."

  • VaWyo

    To be more hip than Obama he is going to need to sell Romney 2012 bongs and even that might not do it.

  • barto

    I want a button with Mint talking with Seamus' vet.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      I want a button with Mitt wearing that dog crate hat strapped to his head.

      (Or the "Fudge" picture.)

  • elviouslyqueer

    Comic Sans would have been a much more appropriate typeface.

  • Estproph

    It looks like the "vintage" aspect of the logo is the fact that the design screams "Look at me! I'm 1965!"

  • Extemporanus

    Comrade Romnev has my votes!

  • mrpuma2u

    If it's not actual mittens that say "AMERCIA" I don't want doodly.

    • emmelemm

      That's a fantastic idea, actually. I bet some enterprising Etsy-er could knit some up.

      • AbandonHope

        Since most enterprising Etsy-ers are already Chinese resellers, Romney should just co-opt them and make a killing.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I love the hippie-inspired psychedelic tee. I'm going to order mine as soon as I finish watching this episode of The Partridge Family.

    • DocChaos

      That shirt is so authentically vintage it only comes in a poly-cotton blend.

  • Local_Mojo

    Fuck that. I'll save my $35 large and go to Applebees — three times.

  • SorosBot

    How much for the vintage Romney magical underwear?

    • emmelemm

      Used, am I right?

    • Mahousu

      Sorry, only for sale in Japan.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "Mr. Romney, do you have any saddlebags for my HoverRound?"

  • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

    It's like cafepress meets threadless. In a dark alley and rapes it. And then scratches a backwards R onto its forehead.

    • Isyaignert

      That was downright poetic and horrifying, but yet historical.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    It looks like road kill. Now they just needs some Mom Jeans with a vintage Romney patch on the back pocket.

  • elviouslyqueer

    And lest we forget Ann's contribution. Show some love, bitches!

    • SorosBot

      "Moms drive the economy". And moms who actually work for a living even more so.

      Of course, Ann drove the economy by hiring the maids, chefs and the nannies who raised her kids.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Ann's a jerb creator, and you're just jelly.

      • Biff

        Moms drive the economy, one Cadillac at a time. The other one is still on the top floor, waiting on the elevator.

    • CountryClubJihadi

      I love the restroom symbols representing them.

    • Isyaignert

      It's so 'effin' laughable that they think we're falling for their average Joe and Jane routine when all they care about is the uber rich.

      There's no damn reason for anyone to be worth more than $999,999,999.00. That's all you get mofos; it's more than you can spend in your lifetime unless you're trying to buy a president and/or Congress. The rest is taxed at 100%. Don't like it? Move!!

    • kittensdontlie

      When I look at that t-shirt I get the subliminal message: "Believe in America's Ta-ta's". Am I the only one that sees that??

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    The old-timiest thing available just now is the Official Romney World View. Get yours now while it lasts!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    What? There's no VIP check out on his site?

  • el_donaldo

    But where do we get our vintage mom jeans to complete the look?

    • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

      You mean like the ones Mittens has on in the picture? Those are from the Fall "Old White Oligarch" collection, now on sale at JC Penneys!

  • RedneckMuslin

    I'll wait until after the election when you can pick this shit up for almost nothing.

  • Barrelhse

    I'm impressed. Brings to mind an album cover for the Monkees.

  • Ali Davis

    Why is the eagle fucking the little Cousin Itt thing? Is Cousin Itt the 99%? Ohhh.

    • kittensdontlie

      Yes, and by the way, that's Romney's father…"what happens in mexico, stays in mexico.

  • ChernobylSoup

    After the election there will be an Internet montage of mug shots featuring bankers wearing those shirts.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Mitt should start his own hipster clothing line,"Real American Apparel."

  • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

    Do I put on teeshirt? Or do I don Henley?

    • SorosBot

      That pun is such a groaner, it was the end of my innocence.

      • Extemporanus

        We all know that crap is king — give us dirty laundry!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Ask Joe Walsh (R-IL).

    • anniegetyerfun

      The latter, but only if you've got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on (baby).

  • MissTaken

    I guess the Aquafresh logo isn't 'vintage' enough for Mitt.

  • TootsStansbury

    If you look at the negative space, it's a siphon, pitting the middle class against one another while sucking the lifeblood of our nation.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      That's funny, I saw a subliminal skull being fucked by Republicans.

  • Eve8Apples

    How many gold bars will the tote hold?

    I don't think any Romney voter would be caught dead with that crap. There is no designer Louis Vuitton or Hermes logo on it.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'll get the Romney ski cap and use it to rob a liquor store. Thanks, Willard!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I've just been flashed by an eagle.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Mitt Romney: douchebag selling handbags.

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise
  • DustBowlBlues

    This is a much funnier story when you're an Old and easily confused and read the descriptions under the items, thinking they are the actual ones from the romney hispster factory. That Ginger, he got me again.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I like the $20 "Believe" poster, with its silhouette of the United States offering a not-so-subtle message in omitting Hawai'i – and another, very-not-so-subtle message in omitting Alaska.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Judging by the offerings under Vintage, I'm guessing trucknutz are too new to fit in this category. Too bad. That bizarre pac-man inspired chicken would look awesome, dangling from a vintage pickup.

  • Chichikovovich

    That photo records Mitt trying to talk his dad out of making civil rights an issue. "Dad, I know you really care about this, but the way the Republican party is heading today, it's just not a smart move".

  • DustBowlBlues

    "Made in the USA" is not only a liberal issue, but typical of labor union stuff. To make the base happy, it should read, "Made by scab honkies in the USA south."

    • SorosBot

      Or "made by virtual slave labor in the Northern Mariana Islands, which as a US territory allows us to call this 'Made in the USA'".

  • DahBoner

    I used to use paper filters for my phone, but now I got a stainless steel one and I never have to change it….

  • elburritodeluxe

    I'm loving the eagle logo, actually. Little known fact, Mormons worship the Eagle as their War God.

  • Come here a minute

    I'm holding out for the dressage uni.

  • Antispandex

    Where are the mom jeans and wingtips?

  • sbj1964

    Wow! For a rich millionaire he has some really cheap crappy swag.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      That's for the plebes. People who don't make him shifty eyed and uncomfortable get access to the gold emblazoned Bentley's, yachts and no-bid government contracts.

  • BornInATrailer

    The t-shirt with the white "Romney" makes me see a short blue wizard (or gnome) making out with Clyde from Pac-Man. Clyde is just all up in that white beard.

  • ttommyunger

    That confident stride of the Mittster says it for all Rightards: "Clueless, and proud of it!".

  • Dumbedup

    the logo actually looks vaguely spermatozoic if you squint while holding in a bong hit.

  • Biff

    What must George Will think of his candidate wearing dungarees?

  • Rotundo_

    I'm sticking with my "Mitt is the Shit!" homemade tee with the big red circle and slash through "the".

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Do you sell that on a onesie?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

    I have to admit, I thought it was decently cute and clever when the Kerry campaign distributed old-timey-looking "JFK" buttons.

    But, that was because it was meant to be a reference to a Beloved Actual-Election-Winner, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

  • DemonicRage

    Where was it…nascar where he berated members of the audience for wearing cheap windbreakers as raincoats, and now he has the nerve to try to market this s**t?!?

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Soon to be sold at the Dollar General, Dollar Tree, DEAL$, Family Dollar, Five Below and the 99 Cents Only Stores.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Do they have any of those kewl Romney Mom-jeans?

  • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

    Why is the eagle fucking the US?

  • Troglodeity

    I want the "Seamus – Mitt's Dog" rubber gag poo.