We feel fairly sure how whoever writes the headlines over at Glenn Beck’s The Blaze feels about a possible Rob Portman veep nod, what with their terrible intimation that nobody even knows who Rob Portman is. But how does the article about Rob Portman admitting he’s being vetted by the Romney camp frame the news? (Differently. It frames it differently, as a valiant fighter at the expense of Wonket Hero No. One And For All Time, Old Handsome Joe Biden.)

Here is what The Blaze’s Mytheos Holt thinks:

Portman’s success was partially aided by a series of superb debate performances against Democratic candidate Lee Fisher – debates that were described by your humble author in the pages of National Review this way:

Rob Portman savaged Lee Fisher, to the point that even some of the lefty blogs in the state expressed admiration for Portman’s poise and preparation. It’s obvious that his experience preparing presidents for debates has paid off, whereas Fisher came off as a person with virtually nothing to talk about as far as an agenda (other than a few platitudes).[…]
Nice guys finish last. This debate is no exception.

Switch out the name “Fisher” with the name “Biden” and you‘ll probably have a good idea of what will happen come this year’s debates, if Portman is the Veep.

That Joe Biden, what a dummy, can’t even talk off the cuff for half an hour at a time about a host of policy and social issues without telling a sex joke about his parents. Everybody hates Joe Biden. Rob Portman will eat him alive. [TheBlaze]

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  • Barb

    Knock knock
    who's there?
    Rob Portman!
    Rob Portman who?


    • The dream Veep for the gated Wonderbread™ retirement communities.

  • Weren't these the same guys who thought that dingus from Whateverthefuckitscalled, Alaska was going to be the belle starburst of the ball? Susan Pal, Synthia Pollen, you know, Tattoo Lips. I'm having some serious doubts if this Portman fellow is all that and a bag of stolen underwear from Needless Markups.

    Starburst, hell no. Starbust, more than likely.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Rob Port ….zzzzzzz….

    And, is it just me or does "The Blaze" sound like it should be a gay porn site?

    • Ducksworthy

      Give us Pawlenty! We want Pawlenty! Pawlenty who? No Pawlenty what!

      • va_real

        Give us Pawlenty of Handsome Joe Biden yootoobs…

    • elviouslyqueer

      I dunno. Given that it's run by a flaming asshole, the name seems pretty appropriate.

  • ChernobylSoup

    I'm not sure the Internet will survive a Portman for VP announcement. The traffic generated from that kind of excitement will overwhelm modems all over the damn place.

  • CapnRadio

    His scene with Mila Kunis in Black Swan was kinda hot . . .

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'd do his daughter, Natalie.

    • Baconzgood

      With or without Star Wars costume?

      • Preferred Customer

        I don't do anything without my Star Wars costume.

      • Preferably in her black ballet tights.

    • Guppy

      Portman/Grits 2012!

  • finallyhappy

    I thought this was about Natalie. And now I am leaving for a week in Paris-the french one, not the Texas one.

    • prommie

      Whatever you do, stay away from Paris Trout.

      • BerkeleyBear

        and Paris Hilton.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Believe me, NO ONE goes to Paris, TX….unless it's for the monthly Klan meeting.

  • edgydrifter

    Unless you're a 20th-level paladin, it is NOT OK to name your child "Mytheos."

    • CapnRadio

      Or you're a member of Slytherin.

      That kid needs to be on the receiving end of a solid Crucio curse.

      (Can a threat that dweeby still be considered malicious?)

    • SorosBot

      It sounds like a name out of a Final Fantasy game; Mytheos should wield a sword longer than he is tall, perhaps with a gun built into it.

    • Or "Doktor." (Little known fact: I post under my real name)

  • hagajim

    Shit I saw Portman and I thought we'd be getting bewbs in the veep slot.

  • OurHoboSenator

    I knew Lee Fisher. I have shaken hands with Lee Fisher while in a closet. I have seen Lee Fisher shirtless.

    Joe Biden, you are no Lee Fisher.

  • ttommyunger

    Mr. Rogers' older, more boring brother?

  • prommie

    I think Romney could really add a dash of excitement to the race if he tapped Mr. Excitement himself, Tommy Newsome!

  • Ducksworthy

    This would be a bold move, the first transsexual on a national ticket.

    • nounverb911

      Ann Coulter is jealous.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well he ain’t no Palin so he’s got that going for him.

    • OneYieldRegular

      At least he won't be practicing his "Say it ain't so, Joe" line in front of the mirror a few dozen times.

    • Strangely enough, that is a drawback in Conservative circles.

  • This is shocking. A Blaze article that doesn't mention George Soros, The Tides Foundation, or Obama's foreign, Socialist roots.

  • gullywompr

    White? Check.
    Male? Check.
    Grey hair? Check?
    Won't make a bit of difference stopping Romney's stupendous loss this fall? Check.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I gotta admit, I would rather watch my boyfriend Joe out maneuver Rob and his Chicken Impression bullshit (see? I DO know who he is) than have to watch the winking blinking cunt talk to the kids in Alaska again. Bring it. If the incredible Blaze thinks this is a good idea, I'm for him.

    • prommie

      You know about "the football" I know, the dude who follows the president around with the nuclear launch codes for use in case the Roswell alien ever gets loose? Well Obama has a second guy who follows him around, with a briefcase containing the codes that are used when O-Bama gives the order to "Release the Biden!"

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh my god, I think I have figured out what I want to have as a job. I want to be the one with the keys that let him out. I'm sure there are two of them, and they have to be turned at the same time, and … what the hell movie was that? Dang.

        • prommie

          How cool would that be, to be at the controls in the Biden Silo, waiting for the order to launch!

        • HoytClagwell
  • SorosBot


    • nounverb911

      He's on first.

  • Goonemeritus

    God knows he did a bang –up job as trade representative under G.W Bush’s administration, trade never grew faster. Well the deficit part anyway.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      JobKiller/JobExporter 2012!

  • SorosBot

    Whoever Romney picks for VP, they will probably at least be smarter and a tougher debater than the last person Biden took on in the VP debates.

    Biden will probably still crush them, though.

  • barto

    What better choice than a guy named "Rob" to go with Mint Rmoney?

    • Ducksworthy

      Biff was already committed.

    • fartknocker


    • va_real


    • OneYieldRegular

      Romney's potential VP choices: "Swindler's List"?

  • poorgradstudent

    If Romney's going the Hollywood route, he'd be better off picking someone who doesn't have baggage like the prequel trilogy…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Rob Portman — the edgier Tim Pawlenty.

    • va_real

      Is that another way of saying 'twitchier'?

      • SayItWithWookies

        It means he looks slightly less like a cardboard grocery aisle display than TPaw does.

    • An_Outhouse

      edgier in what way? he prefers barry manilow to wayne newton?

  • Wadisay

    When I "vetted" my dog, he came back a soprano, knowwhatimean?

    • Ducksworthy

      Bravo Sir or Madam.

    • emmelemm

      Love it.

  • Groupshrug

    I'm sure I'm not the only one that hears the name "The Blaze" and assumes it's newspaper for the gay community.

    • MissTaken

      isn't it?

      • Ducksworthy

        THE spot for gay paranoid Mormons.

      • SorosBot

        I thought The Daily Caller was Tucker Carlson's rag.

    • va_real

      I recently read on the Internetz that the Blaze is a newspaper for the gay community.

      • I saw it in two different places, so it must be true

        • Why would so many mention it if it weren't very nearly true?! Where there's smoke, there's blaze!

    • Dildeaux

      Isnt The Blaze for weed entheusiasts?

  • MissTaken

    I can't wait until Portman winks at me during the debate, there will starbursts all over the place.

  • There's a typo. "Mytheos Holt" is a Jamaican sprinter.

    • Errrrrrrrr, not so much

      • viennawoods13


      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Clearly, that cigar is NOT just a cigar.

    • keinsignal

      I assumed he just adopted the name of his Everquest character.

      (Yes, Everquest. That name is way too fruity for WoW).

  • savethispatient

    The most important point to remember is that the performance in the VP debates is the single largest contributing factor to determine how the populace votes in November. Nothing bigger.

    That's why Dan Quayle was never VP.

    • prommie

      Yes, remember when Lloyd Benson's "you're no Jack Kennedy" line won the election for Dukakis?

  • Just stupid! My picks for sure winning VPs are:

    1. Christine O'Donnell
    2. Michelle Bachmann
    3. Basil Marceaux
    4. Alan West
    5. Orly Taitz
    6. Carly Fiorina
    7. Meg Whitman

    • Ducksworthy

      Christine for the Bush!

    • CapnRadio

      You forgot Basil Marceaux's last name.

    • Baconzgood

      What a snark starting line up. I think if these people were actually being considered and got the VP nod my fingers would bleed from typing so much on Wonkette.

    • ChernobylSoup

      I'm betting on Kay Bailey Hutchinson. Conventional wisdom says he'll pick someone from the far right to shore up the wingnuts, but we all know that's not really necessary. He desperately needs to increase his standing with women, but most of the Republican women are batshit crazy (echos of Palin). Hutchinson (mentally stable, somewhat moderate) is his only chance to even stay in this race. You heard it here first.

      • va_real

        I wonder if KBH is quite dumb enough to hitch her wagon to that star?

      • SayItWithWookies

        I can't see him picking a woman — to put a female in the position of his successor would be to imply that being president is women's work — next thing you know, they'll want equal rights and maybe even their own planets after they die.

        • Ducksworthy

          Women existing outside of a Mormon marriage, for all eternity? Unthinkable.

        • SorosBot

          Plus picking a woman worked badly for John McCain; and being Republicans they see all women as the same, and don't realize people hate Palin because she's a moron, not because she lacks a penis.

    • va_real

      You forgot Nimrata Haley?

  • Baconzgood

    For Christ sakes. How can you type Mytheos (which sounds like a not Emerican name) with Portman cock jammed so far down your throat?

    • Ducksworthy

      Portman has a cock? Well, that would be a plus for the ticket.

  • sbj1964

    Mighty Joe, will Crush this guy! Creeps,weaks,and Freaks is all the GOP has for Veeps.Hell they don't even like Mittens.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    If Portman is Romney's choice, even Newsroom will beat out the VP debate in the ratings.

  • Callyson

    What fun fact does MSNBC's site have about Rob Portman?

    There is something haunting a top contender for the Republican vice-presidential nomination.
    Ohio Sen. Rob Portman, along with his brother and sister, own The Golden Lamb, a landmark hotel in the southwestern part of the Buckeye State, where scores of historical figures have spent the night…
    But it is in a small room on the hotel's fourth floor that houses its spookiest lodger.
    Through a glass encasing in the room, there is a plastic doll lying on a child-size bed surrounded by toys from the late 19th Century. It is here, where, "The restless spirit of a young girl materializes in this small room," at least according to a letter posted outside the door.
    Portman neither confirmed nor denied the existence of a haunting spirit in his hotel. But he did say in an email to First Read that his mother "had some stories" from her time living there as a child and then later operating the business for seven years.

    Now, can we get the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future to pay a visit?

    • Guppy

      Can't he call up Jindal to exorcise the place already?

    • OneYieldRegular

      I hear Glenn Beck stayed there in 1990. Coincidence? I. Think. Not.

    • Dildeaux

      Ive eaten there, not knowing the owners were fucksticks. Never again.

  • Romney/Portman just TOO many letters for yard signs…

    Never gonna work!

    • va_real

      They can use (R)/ (R)™

  • MissTaken

    I think Tina Fey will have a tough time with this one.

    • Ducksworthy

      Don't misunderestimate her. I think she could do it easily.

    • Yea. It's hard to believe there's anyone whiter than Tina Fey.

  • ElPinche


  • Romney-Portman Tax Advisors & Wealth Managers

    Helping You Keep More of Your Ill-gotten Gains for 35 years.

  • One_who_wanders

    GOP: All old, all white, all condescending. It's a winning combination.

  • crittersbybritty

    Hey fellow Wonketeers Pete Sessions has a poll on his website about Obamacare, he really wants to know what you think, so why don't you all go over there and tell him.

    "Should congress have passed Obamacare?" The poll is on the right hand side. Vote early, vote often!

    • Baconzgood

      I voted. But you know it is the Blaze so if the answer is somthing they don't agree with they'll scrub survey.

      • Ducksworthy

        Was running 62/37 pro-Obamacare when I was here. Must be based on the actual provisions of the law rather than the Faux interpretation of it.

    • Limeylizzie

      We is winning over there!

    • Done and done

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Thanks. I voted and forwarded an email to some friends.

    • Ducksworthy

      I just voted again. Maybe his web guru does not understand how these here Innertubes work.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Followed up the voting by requesting more info & updates, and plugged in the address

    • Done. Twice.

  • Maybe he should just make up stuff: "Natalie's Dad Selected by Mitt Romney"

    • RedneckMuslin

      If it fits the narrative, it's true.

  • Baconzgood

    Say what you will about him but that is some sweet ass granny wall paper in that photograph.

  • Lemme get this straight: the article's author is all about Portman because Portman beat the guy with the only name LESS exciting than "Rob Portman"?

  • larrykat

    What the hell was this story about?

    • va_real

      Something about vicious ballerinas, I think.

  • My God, this ticket is so white, it might disappear if there's an early snowstorm…

    • SayItWithWookies

      I certainly hope those fuckers have a cold November.

  • Baconzgood

    Is that really a positive aspect for a VP. That people don't know who they are. Sure didn't work for Grifter McGrifts-alot.

    • emmelemm

      Well, we soon *will* know who he is, and more about him than we ever hoped, and most of it probably won't be good.

  • Rob Portman has been called an empty suit, but that will never be more evident than under the harsh glare of the TV lights.

    "I see a suit. Who's wearing it? Where is he?"

  • Will they use the theme from "Casper, The Friendly Ghost" as his entrance music?

  • To interview Portman, you'll need to hold a seance.

  • Dildeaux

    Portman will be the pick.

    Dude used to be my neighbor until he moved to live within his district. Asshole.

    He was gwb's #1 on the budget (fake budgets) and cheney loved him because Portman stood in as John Edwards for the VP debate preps in 2004. Nuff said.

    Typical, soulless, uber-caucasian corporatist fucker.

    • An_Outhouse

      so why are you mad he moved away?

  • An_Outhouse

    really, did anyone know who Biden was before Barry picked him? I didn't.

    • SorosBot

      Well he had represented Delaware in the Senate for ages, since being elected one of the youngest Senators ever way back in 1972, and ran for President in 1988, so yes.

  • does he take the train?

  • ElPinche

    According to the Mensa candidates on "the Blaze" (code for smoking a skin cigar), Portman is a Marxist Commie who supports stupid pussy-ass global conservation.

  • Nostrildamus

    Who knew Mittens would be the swarthy one on the ticket?

  • Editrix, all due respect but you didn't include Mytheos Holt's photograph.

    And you really should have. Really.

  • Dildeaux

    Used to run into Portmans trophy wife at the local Kroger. She was picking up her prescriptions. Always looked a bit spooked.

    • DahBoner

      Too much coke?

  • Extemporanus

    The yellow Post-It note on the ceiling totally gave away the answer.

  • DahBoner

    Eeeeeee's got a lovely dau'er.


  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I checked to see if his Wikipedia page was recently scrubbed, but it already looks like it was written by the fucking GOP. Be interesting to see what shows up there, if/when people start to care.

  • PuglyDoRight

    One more thing: Portman is from Hamilton County, Ohio. He's relatively well thought of in Hamilton County, Ohio. (Hamilton County went blue in 2008 for the first time since 1964.)

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