Nails Girl KnowsWhile the uneducated, common people in America are completely unaware of “how the systems work,” they are now SO relieved to have Romney supporter woman-in-Range-Rover telling them what’s what. “Nails Girls” across our freedom nation listen with bated breath, while buffing elite nails until they bleed (OOPSY!), for directions from their betters on how to cast their vote.

Meanwhile, across the seas in exotic Syria, the poors who aren’t too busy being slaughtered by their dynamic dictator, Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. (Nails! It is nails!)

In tony Damascus, Syria’s largest city and Assad’s stronghold, wealthy Assad-loving hipsters party soldier on, tanning themselves by the pool, while smoke rises outside the safety of their 5-star hotel and “men silently load the mangled bodies of 50 government soldiers—disfigured and broken by car bombs, explosives, bullets, and shrapnel—into simple wooden coffins.” Late for an appointment with their Nails Girls, bronzed beauties speeding past the gas lines and closed shops (No More shops? OMG!), are too busy texting their besties to find out where the party will be that evening to know there’s a civil war. In a valiant attempt at bravery, they focus on what really matters, looking good:

“I have more work than ever,” says Dima, a television star who was being elaborately made up to be photographed by Gala Magazine. “I would love to work in Lebanon or the United States, of course, but at the moment, there is a lot of shooting here.” She laughs and lets the makeup artist—the best in Syria, she points out—apply another layer of purple eye shadow and tease her long, dark hair into a high chignon. […]

“Look,” says one golden girl, “I still get my hair done when I go to a big party, which is about twice a week. I still get a manicure every week. I am still alive! Either you choose to be afraid all the time or you choose to live.”

But it seems that the common Nails Girls may not be as dumb as the rich seem to think. Evidenced by the quote above, journalists, when trying to find out what’s really going on in Syria, head for the beauty salons. The New York Times also reported in February of this year, long before the uprising entered Damascus, that beauty salons in Damascus were almost deserted. Probably because those common, uneducated manicurists and hairdressers were smart enough to see the blood splatters on the wall and get the hell out of Dodge. And in America, this Obama-supporting manicurist had the nerve to rise above her nail station and become a lawyer. The rich and famous worldwide should take precautions (i.e. wear condoms) when interfacing with the common people. There may be some dangerous “critical thinkers” out there.

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  • thatsitfortheother1

    Lisa is up early. Or in Paris.

    • Hehe. I wrote it last night. Rebecca's up early. :-)

      • thatsitfortheother1

        I live in Germany, so this site comes alive just about the time I lose interest. Has something to do with happy hour…

        • When I'm back in Paris in September, I'll have the same problem. When my posts appear, I'm snoring when everyone's having fun in the comments.

  • ChernobylSoup

    If we can't have an estate tax, mandatory condom use by the rich might be a dandy alternative.

    • I say castration's too good for them.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Using rubber johnnys is nearly as bad.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Retroactive abortions should also work.

      • I'll gladly be the czar of that in Obama's second term

    • I say, self-deportation.

      • Go Galt?

        They'd just buy another country.

        • I would be happy if they bought a giant island and all their followers moved there. Oh, to dream.

          • And then the island turned out to be a massive volcano. Cuz, you know, Bobby Jindal.

            Or it got eaten by a giant radioactive lizard awoken because he was in suspended animation stuck in an iceberg that melted cuz of global warming.

          • Or they had a big TB outbreak because of Rick Scott!!

    • Guppy

      If there's one thing we've learned in the past decade or so, it's that the rich don't do "mandatory."

  • Barb

    Palmolive? You're soaking in it!

    • Vecchiojohn


      • Barb

        Hey Vecchiojohn! I am glad you got the reference. That commercial hasn't played for a long time and I was afraid I was giving away my age there.

        • Vecchiojohn

          I know you're too polite to ask mine.

      • Wow. Her image immediately popped into my brain.

    • chascates

      Genocide? You're soaking in it!

  • "How do my nails look?" — Jebus

    • thatsitfortheother1

      There's a nail-bomb joke in here somewhere.

    • bobbert


  • ChernobylSoup

    My wife was shouted out of a nail salon the other day (in asian speak) for having the temerity to ask how long she'd have to wait. This means something.

    • Biff

      Uh, 5 1/2 years, obvs.

  • AlterNewt

    “Look,” says one golden girl, “I still get my hair done when I go to a big party, which is about twice a week. I still get a manicure every week. I am still alive! Either you choose to be afraid all the time or you choose to live.”

    Narcissism: It's what's for breakfast!!

  • eggsacklywright

    Assad should get a manicure from Bugs Bunny. "You monsters lead such innnteresting lives!"

    Chinless Fuquad.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      But he makes up in ears what he lacks in chin.

      Bet the doctor slapped his mother.

      • I photoshopped out his double chin because it was getting in the way. Of something.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Those ungrateful nails ladies will regret their insolence when President Romney's government subsidized Nail-O-Matic robots are introduced.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Honestly, it's like the Hunger Games, only with more browns.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Reminds me of sitting around the pool in Phnom Penh in 1975 and the Hotel staff disappeared. that didn't turn out that well.

  • eggsacklywright

    If manicurists use a nail file for finernails, do they use a pedofile for the feets?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Only if they are Republicans.

      • Or Penn State coaches

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Jerry Sandusky, the longtime Penn State defensive coordinator who is facing a 40-count indictment on felony sex abuse charges, is a registered Republican, according to records from the Pennsylvania Department of State…

          — Salon

  • This Assad fellow is supposedly looking for a new gig, I hear… He seems like he might be a better fit for what the Koch Brothers want in a President than milquetoast Prince Hair Gel???

    • He's being vetted for Romney's VP.

  • I still get a manicure every week

    …where they glue the nails of dead protestors over the stubs I've chewed my own nails into…

    • Don't laugh, our declawed cat wouldn't be caught dead without his "Lee's Press On Claws"

  • Excuse me. Excuse me!!!!!!!!!! Syria has resort potential and the real estate is a steal. Secretary of State Donald Trump will make a spectacular deal, just world class, fantastic stuff.

  • chascates

    So nail girls have trickle down jobs?

    • Only during pedicures.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        You are soooo going to hell.

  • Vecchiojohn

    Asma really is the dictator – she was the model for the new Wonkette masthead, too.

    • commiegirl99

      Editrix libel!

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Ruh Ro.

      • Vecchiojohn

        I wonder if she'll give me a spanking. Could she Would she?

  • mavenmaven

    I don't think polish jokes are appropriate in this group.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Nails, tails, jails, fails,veils: everybody's looking for something in Syria these days.

  • PsycWench

    I plan to have my nails shaped into pincers. I feel it would be handy the next time I visit my Republican family members.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Have 'em shaped into earplugs.

  • HempDogbane

    Chignon libel !

  • Shady_Esperanto

    Nail appointment today at 5:00. Thanks for reminding me, Wonkette.

  • Both will know something is wrong when they're forced to wear Lee Press On Nails.

  • The Nail Girls would be a great name for an all female punk band.

    • PsycWench

      The Nail Boys would be a great name for a business with a lot of Republican clientele.

    • Biff

      Or maybe Nine Inch Nails Girls?

  • “I would love to work in Lebanon or the United States, of course, but at the moment, there is a lot of shooting here.”

    Bombing as well.

  • Is this another chapter in your forthcoming "Field Guide To Despots And Dictatorettes," Lisabad Al-Winez Kotb Abdul? (Also, please step to one side, there are some irregularities with your passport.)

    • As soon as I finish my other book, Tempting Fate: Writing About Dictators; Then Ducking.

      And hey, I got a new shiny passport last summer with the chip in it so the US government can follow me into every porn shop and dive bar I visit throughout the world. (Oh, I forgot, that's what Foursquare is for. Duh). Then, the US govt can SHARE my info with their dictator friends. … I'm toast.

  • Wasn't "Tony Damascus" a private eye?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Private dick, as they say in the business.

  • Ducksworthy

    Somebody please help me out. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote somewhere about how the rich knew of a secret river of wealth and that all they had to do was to dip into it to remain rich. In the novel the protagonist is determined to find this secret river. I can't find the quote but the more I read about Rmoney's income "stream" the more the Fitzgerald thing nags at me. The Bain investments that have put over $100 million into Willard's IRA is his river of money. Once tapped into, he never had to work (or think about it) again. The money just flows and flows. I too want to find that secret river of money.

    To make this more topical, most dictators also know where this river of money is. Its probably the same river.

    • randcoolcatdaddy

      The problem with the river is that people like Romney had it damned up a long time ago.

      The only way to find it now is to get past the guards of the gated community by the lake.

  • DahBoner


    • Oh man. This reminds me of the terrorist Nails Girl I went to and when I left, most of my fingers were bleeding. When I would flinch or dare to say "Ow!" she'd look at me and laugh and say, "You so sensitive!" Like it was MY fault. I bet she votes for Romney.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. "

    Guess that means she gets to be the one whose body will be dragged through the streets when this is all over. Nice move Bashar.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "… journalists, when trying to find out what’s really going on in Syria, head for the beauty salons."

    And, when they want to know what's going on in Amerika, they head for the nearest Tea Bagger, gun nut, racist twit, the National Organization for Marriage, abortion-fixated Christian blowhard or ranting homeless person. Or some combination of all of the above.

  • anniegetyerfun

    So, we're hating the elites over there so we don't have to hate them over here?

  • PubOption

    It looks like some manicurists manage to do better on the bar exam than a certain dentist.

  • ttommyunger

    My guess is there's a lot more shooting going on in the US than in Syria, or almost anywhere else….Look it up.

  • polnick

    Poison gas has a shelf life of 48 months, it then becomes useless. Syria has not created a new batch in 10 years. But they have stinger missiles that must not fall into the hands of the Hezbollah, Nasrallah would love to down a few Israeli civilian aircraft.

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