THE NAILS GIRLS UNDERSTAND  9:25 am July 12, 2012

Romney Supporters And Syria’s Assad Have Thing In Common: Nails Girls

by Lisa Wines

Nails Girl KnowsWhile the uneducated, common people in America are completely unaware of “how the systems work,” they are now SO relieved to have Romney supporter woman-in-Range-Rover telling them what’s what. “Nails Girls” across our freedom nation listen with bated breath, while buffing elite nails until they bleed (OOPSY!), for directions from their betters on how to cast their vote.

Meanwhile, across the seas in exotic Syria, the poors who aren’t too busy being slaughtered by their dynamic dictator, Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. (Nails! It is nails!)

In tony Damascus, Syria’s largest city and Assad’s stronghold, wealthy Assad-loving hipsters party soldier on, tanning themselves by the pool, while smoke rises outside the safety of their 5-star hotel and “men silently load the mangled bodies of 50 government soldiers—disfigured and broken by car bombs, explosives, bullets, and shrapnel—into simple wooden coffins.” Late for an appointment with their Nails Girls, bronzed beauties speeding past the gas lines and closed shops (No More shops? OMG!), are too busy texting their besties to find out where the party will be that evening to know there’s a civil war. In a valiant attempt at bravery, they focus on what really matters, looking good:

“I have more work than ever,” says Dima, a television star who was being elaborately made up to be photographed by Gala Magazine. “I would love to work in Lebanon or the United States, of course, but at the moment, there is a lot of shooting here.” She laughs and lets the makeup artist—the best in Syria, she points out—apply another layer of purple eye shadow and tease her long, dark hair into a high chignon. [...]

“Look,” says one golden girl, “I still get my hair done when I go to a big party, which is about twice a week. I still get a manicure every week. I am still alive! Either you choose to be afraid all the time or you choose to live.”

But it seems that the common Nails Girls may not be as dumb as the rich seem to think. Evidenced by the quote above, journalists, when trying to find out what’s really going on in Syria, head for the beauty salons. The New York Times also reported in February of this year, long before the uprising entered Damascus, that beauty salons in Damascus were almost deserted. Probably because those common, uneducated manicurists and hairdressers were smart enough to see the blood splatters on the wall and get the hell out of Dodge. And in America, this Obama-supporting manicurist had the nerve to rise above her nail station and become a lawyer. The rich and famous worldwide should take precautions (i.e. wear condoms) when interfacing with the common people. There may be some dangerous “critical thinkers” out there.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 76 comments }

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

Lisa is up early. Or in Paris.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

Hehe. I wrote it last night. Rebecca's up early. :-)

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

I live in Germany, so this site comes alive just about the time I lose interest. Has something to do with happy hour…

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 10:03 am

When I'm back in Paris in September, I'll have the same problem. When my posts appear, I'm snoring when everyone's having fun in the comments.

ChernobylSoup July 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

If we can't have an estate tax, mandatory condom use by the rich might be a dandy alternative.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

I say castration's too good for them.

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

Using rubber johnnys is nearly as bad.

Dudleydidwrong July 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Retroactive abortions should also work.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

I'll gladly be the czar of that in Obama's second term

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

I say, self-deportation.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

Go Galt?

They'd just buy another country.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 10:02 am

I would be happy if they bought a giant island and all their followers moved there. Oh, to dream.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 11:20 am

And then the island turned out to be a massive volcano. Cuz, you know, Bobby Jindal.

Or it got eaten by a giant radioactive lizard awoken because he was in suspended animation stuck in an iceberg that melted cuz of global warming.

Guppy July 12, 2012 at 10:25 am

If there's one thing we've learned in the past decade or so, it's that the rich don't do "mandatory."

Barb July 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

Palmolive? You're soaking in it!

Vecchiojohn July 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

Madge!

Barb July 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Hey Vecchiojohn! I am glad you got the reference. That commercial hasn't played for a long time and I was afraid I was giving away my age there.

Vecchiojohn July 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

I know you're too polite to ask mine.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

Wow. Her image immediately popped into my brain.

chascates July 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Genocide? You're soaking in it!

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

Need +100 for that comment.

deanbooth July 12, 2012 at 9:32 am

"How do my nails look?" — Jebus

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

There's a nail-bomb joke in here somewhere.

bobbert July 12, 2012 at 10:40 am

Bloody?

ChernobylSoup July 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

My wife was shouted out of a nail salon the other day (in asian speak) for having the temerity to ask how long she'd have to wait. This means something.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 10:20 am

Uh, 5 1/2 years, obvs.

AlterNewt July 12, 2012 at 9:35 am

“Look,” says one golden girl, “I still get my hair done when I go to a big party, which is about twice a week. I still get a manicure every week. I am still alive! Either you choose to be afraid all the time or you choose to live.”

Narcissism: It's what's for breakfast!!

eggsacklywright July 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

Assad should get a manicure from Bugs Bunny. "You monsters lead such innnteresting lives!"

Chinless Fuquad.

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

But he makes up in ears what he lacks in chin.

Bet the doctor slapped his mother.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

I photoshopped out his double chin because it was getting in the way. Of something.

Hera Sent Me July 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

Those ungrateful nails ladies will regret their insolence when President Romney's government subsidized Nail-O-Matic robots are introduced.

elviouslyqueer July 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

Honestly, it's like the Hunger Games, only with more browns.

GorzoTheMighty July 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

Reminds me of sitting around the pool in Phnom Penh in 1975 and the Hotel staff disappeared. that didn't turn out that well.

eggsacklywright July 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

If manicurists use a nail file for finernails, do they use a pedofile for the feets?

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Only if they are Republicans.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

Or Penn State coaches

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 10:04 am

Jerry Sandusky, the longtime Penn State defensive coordinator who is facing a 40-count indictment on felony sex abuse charges, is a registered Republican, according to records from the Pennsylvania Department of State…

– Salon

johnnyzhivago July 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

This Assad fellow is supposedly looking for a new gig, I hear… He seems like he might be a better fit for what the Koch Brothers want in a President than milquetoast Prince Hair Gel???

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

He's being vetted for Romney's VP.

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

I still get a manicure every week

…where they glue the nails of dead protestors over the stubs I've chewed my own nails into…

johnnyzhivago July 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

Don't laugh, our declawed cat wouldn't be caught dead without his "Lee's Press On Claws"

johnnyzhivago July 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Excuse me. Excuse me!!!!!!!!!! Syria has resort potential and the real estate is a steal. Secretary of State Donald Trump will make a spectacular deal, just world class, fantastic stuff.

chascates July 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

So nail girls have trickle down jobs?

actor212 July 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Only during pedicures.

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 10:06 am

You are soooo going to hell.

Vecchiojohn July 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

Asma really is the dictator – she was the model for the new Wonkette masthead, too.

commiegirl99 July 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

Editrix libel!

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 10:26 am

Ruh Ro.

Vecchiojohn July 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

I wonder if she'll give me a spanking. Could she Would she?

mavenmaven July 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

I don't think polish jokes are appropriate in this group.

Dudleydidwrong July 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Nails, tails, jails, fails,veils: everybody's looking for something in Syria these days.

PsycWench July 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

I plan to have my nails shaped into pincers. I feel it would be handy the next time I visit my Republican family members.

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 10:07 am

Have 'em shaped into earplugs.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

Or shovels.

HempDogbane July 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

Chignon libel !

Shady_Esperanto July 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

Nail appointment today at 5:00. Thanks for reminding me, Wonkette.

ManchuCandidate July 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

Both will know something is wrong when they're forced to wear Lee Press On Nails.

Chow Yun Flat July 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

The Nail Girls would be a great name for an all female punk band.

PsycWench July 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

The Nail Boys would be a great name for a business with a lot of Republican clientele.

Biff July 12, 2012 at 10:24 am

Or maybe Nine Inch Nails Girls?

Chow Yun Flat July 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

“I would love to work in Lebanon or the United States, of course, but at the moment, there is a lot of shooting here.”

Bombing as well.

Chet Kincaid July 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Is this another chapter in your forthcoming "Field Guide To Despots And Dictatorettes," Lisabad Al-Winez Kotb Abdul? (Also, please step to one side, there are some irregularities with your passport.)

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 10:48 am

As soon as I finish my other book, Tempting Fate: Writing About Dictators; Then Ducking.

And hey, I got a new shiny passport last summer with the chip in it so the US government can follow me into every porn shop and dive bar I visit throughout the world. (Oh, I forgot, that's what Foursquare is for. Duh). Then, the US govt can SHARE my info with their dictator friends. … I'm toast.

Doktor Zoom July 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

Wasn't "Tony Damascus" a private eye?

thatsitfortheother1 July 12, 2012 at 10:28 am

Private dick, as they say in the business.

Ducksworthy July 12, 2012 at 10:27 am

Somebody please help me out. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote somewhere about how the rich knew of a secret river of wealth and that all they had to do was to dip into it to remain rich. In the novel the protagonist is determined to find this secret river. I can't find the quote but the more I read about Rmoney's income "stream" the more the Fitzgerald thing nags at me. The Bain investments that have put over $100 million into Willard's IRA is his river of money. Once tapped into, he never had to work (or think about it) again. The money just flows and flows. I too want to find that secret river of money.

To make this more topical, most dictators also know where this river of money is. Its probably the same river.

randcoolcatdaddy July 12, 2012 at 10:43 am

The problem with the river is that people like Romney had it damned up a long time ago.

The only way to find it now is to get past the guards of the gated community by the lake.

DahBoner July 12, 2012 at 10:33 am

ME BUFF YOUR NAILS WONG THYME

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

Oh man. This reminds me of the terrorist Nails Girl I went to and when I left, most of my fingers were bleeding. When I would flinch or dare to say "Ow!" she'd look at me and laugh and say, "You so sensitive!" Like it was MY fault. I bet she votes for Romney.

Allmighty_Manos July 12, 2012 at 10:34 am

"Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. "

Guess that means she gets to be the one whose body will be dragged through the streets when this is all over. Nice move Bashar.

randcoolcatdaddy July 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

"… journalists, when trying to find out what’s really going on in Syria, head for the beauty salons."

And, when they want to know what's going on in Amerika, they head for the nearest Tea Bagger, gun nut, racist twit, the National Organization for Marriage, abortion-fixated Christian blowhard or ranting homeless person. Or some combination of all of the above.

anniegetyerfun July 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

So, we're hating the elites over there so we don't have to hate them over here?

PubOption July 12, 2012 at 11:35 am

It looks like some manicurists manage to do better on the bar exam than a certain dentist.

ttommyunger July 12, 2012 at 9:14 pm

My guess is there's a lot more shooting going on in the US than in Syria, or almost anywhere else….Look it up.

polnick August 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Poison gas has a shelf life of 48 months, it then becomes useless. Syria has not created a new batch in 10 years. But they have stinger missiles that must not fall into the hands of the Hezbollah, Nasrallah would love to down a few Israeli civilian aircraft.

lisawines July 12, 2012 at 11:36 am

Or they had a big TB outbreak because of Rick Scott!!

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