Total DreamboatOh, Bradlee Dean, don’t ever stop being you! And more importantly, please keep Larry Klayman, founder of JudicialWatch and FreedomWatch — a not at all crazy person seen here discussing a Citizens Grand Jury to indict Supreme Court justices John Roberts and Elena Kagan — as your personal attorney forever and ever. Maybe a sitcom? At the very least a road movie.

You all remember Bradlee Dean from such public-school-assembly heavy-metal hip-hop hits as “Don’t Have Mud On Your Wedding Dress” and “No Homo (No, Really, No Homo).” You also remember he sued Rachel Maddow for the piddling amount of $50 million for having played clips of his own radio show on her show, and thus defaming him, by saying what he said. Well! Since yesterday, when some broad ordered him to pay attorneys fees to Rachel Maddow (and to the since-defunct Minnesota Independent), Dean and his attorney Klayman have filed a real witch-burner of a motion! And that motion says that the judge is like “a woman scorned.”

First, Klayman spends about 175 paragraphs bitching that Judge Joan Zeldon called Maddow’s attorneys “distinguished” but did not call him “distinguished.” Like, seriously, so many paragraphs. Then it explains Judge Zeldon just mad because they filed in federal court instead of in her court, because DC has an anti-Slapp law.

That’s weird how they went with “woman scorned” instead of the more obvious “bitch be hysterical, because the rag.” Guess they were too gentlemanly to just say the truth!


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  • nounverb911

    Who's Bradleee Dean? Is he Paula Dean's sister?

  • Bezoar

    No way I can be first!

    • Extemporanus

      Sadly, no.

  • Bezoar

    This is a perfect example of the reading our editrix does so that we don't have to.

  • Hell hath no fury like a wingnut who has to answer to a woman.

  • Ducksworthy

    Who cares what Bradlee Dean says? What's Bristle up to?

  • Can you be disbarred for rampant stupidity?

    • nounverb911

      Only on TV.

    • prommie

      Nope. Stealing, thats the one thing that always will get you disbarred. I should say, stealing in a non-approved way.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No (cf. Taitz, Orly).

    • CommieLibunatic

      It happened to Jack Thompson, but he really had to work for that one.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Fish around the world could have told him not to fuck with Rachel Maddow.

  • Baconzgood

    Bradlee. Man, and I thought I hated that name before I heard of this putz.

    • Also too the long, greasy-looking hair, the serious attack of face-fungus, the poseurish-boorish style combo. I don't know what he's trying for, but it's got FAIL written all over it.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Note the dogtag around the neck – has it ever served in the military? 5 gets you ten he hasn't. Or is it there to remind him what his own name is?

        • Yeah, I can't see Bradleeee giving up the ass-length hair EVAH, so the chances of him ever serving in any military are about as good as my cat's. I was gonna say "grandma," but I remembered that every grandmother belonging to this household served in one military or another.

  • Not_So_Much

    So, this doesn't count because the judge was a chick that had the Vapors? I'm sure she'll be lenient if they come back before her.

  • Editrix, on p. 2 (bullet item 3, to be precise), Klayman– there's a name for a wingnut!– all but calls the judge a lesbian

    • I figured that had to be in there.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Klayman & Dean probably think that all women who don't submit themselves to the superior creatures that are the menz are sluts or lesbians. Or lesbian sluts.

      • It is their stunning physical attractiveness that makes them think so.

    • 12X34X

      The y used to be an n but he changed it when he went into show biz.

  • Callyson

    "Judge Zeldon mocked and ridiculed Plaintiffs and their counsel while, to the contrary, Judge Zeldon referred to Defendants’ counsel approvingly as ‘distinguished,’ stating in effect that Plaintiffs and their counsel are not.”

    Whatever would have given Judge Zeldon the idea that the plaintiff was not distinguished?

    Plaintiffs Bradlee Dean and You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International

    WTH, I think she deserves a medal for not ROTFLHAO the whole time…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think these dimwits need to keep at it, appealing all the way to the Supreme Court, racking up vastly more attorneys' fees (that they'll have to pay.) For the freedumbs.

      • I'm on tenterhooks. What have you got planned for Bradleeeeee, Biely? I assume he'll be turning up at your digs any day now.

  • Redhead

    So THAT's what Rush Limbaugh would look like if he lost 100 pounds. Interesting.

    • Girl, you never won none-a them "Guess the Weight of the Jellybeans in the Jar" contests, didja? Rush would have to lose AT LEAST 200 lb to look like Brad Lee Dean His Hatefuck Child With Paula. Maybe more like 300.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Jabba the Hutt will still look like a Hutt, no matter how much shit you squeeze out…

  • Goonemeritus

    I hear you brother no dude likes to be judged by the ladies.

    • Especially since the nasty little bitches like to point and larf.

  • Maybe he wasn't called "distinguished" because he writes like a petty toddler in his briefs.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Know what ELSE he does like a toddler in his briefs?

      (Couldn't resist.)

    • Wait till you hear what he writes like with pants on.

      • not that Radio


  • Maddow's attorneys are distinguished. Klayman is disgusting.

    Moral equivalence.

  • Sue4466

    "Judge Zeldon mocked and ridiculed Plaintiffs and their counsel while, to the contrary, Judge Zeldon referred to Defendants’ counsel approvingly as ‘distinguished,’ stating in effect that Plaintiffs and their counsel are not.”

    So, his lawyer has mommy issues?

  • neiltheblaze

    He's a real Rhodes Scholar, isn't he! Oh wait – no – that would be Rachel.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yes . . . from the back rhodes of West Virginia.

  • I believe Klayman is correct: he's rather distinguished himself:

    On February 3, 2012, the prosecutor of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, announced that Klayman had been indicted for failure to pay child support.[5] The charge of criminal non-support is a fifth degree felony which carries a maximum sentence of one year in prison. Klayman owed $78,861.76 for two children ages 11 and 14. Klayman failed to appear for his arraignment which was scheduled for March 15, 2012, and a capias (arrest warrant) was issued. The capias was withdrawn and the case was dismissed on April 20, 2012.[6]

    • neiltheblaze

      That's his appeal to conservatives! His family values.

      He should run for a house seat.

    • Callyson

      Takes after Joe Walsh, does he? Probably bitches about single mothers on welfare too.


      • What does it take to convince the pretty laydeez not to make baybeez with this type of schmuck?

        I'm perfectly serious here. My Girl is now in her 20s, and every day I live in dread that she will show up with some asshole like this, and I will spend the rest of my life eating truly shitty cuisine as a result of strangling him for daring to touch her. I could knock her out and tie her tubes, but I'm not a surgeon and don't want to risk hurting HER.

        • 1) Buy a gun. It does not have to be a real one, a prop gun from an acting company will do. It should look real tho.

          2) When he comes over, pull it out and start cleaning it, slowly and carefully

          • MaxNeanderthal

            This is SOP in Arkansas, isn't it?

          • She's away at college, halfway across the country. Otherwise there'd already be a trail of bodies, dammit. I don't really mind if she hangs out with an asshole temporarily. There's only so much a person can do to prevent that shit. But please don't let her marry and make babies with a bucket of pigslop like Klayman, anybody out there who might be listening.

    • emmelemm

      I really, really, really, really hate these assholes.

    • UnholyMoses

      So good to see all these family values types not taking personal responsibility for their actions, all while demanding everyone else do just that.

    • anniegetyerfun

      See? Women are ALWAYS trying to take advantage of poor, helpless men. It's time someone took a stand, and stopped paying for kids and stuff.

    • Jadetiger79

      My son's father who never paid a dime of court ordered support the entire 18 years and owes $168k in back support and penalties must be the most distinguished turd to ever circle the drain!

  • SorosBot

    Wait, they let women be judges now?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Before ya know it, they'll be votin'!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I told her to stay in the kitchen. Or, was that the bedroom. I forget. But, anyway, yeah!!!

        • Musta made her chain too long.

      • NellCote71

        Well, not in all states. Florida and Pennsylvania come immediately to mind.

    • TribecaMike

      In that Christian bible book Ruth comes right after Judges.

      • If this case goes down the way I'd like it to, Ruth will be coming after Klayman.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    Activist bitches!

    • Extemporanus


  • FakaktaSouth

    She may not have called him distinguished, but if she also did not call him a complete fraud upon the court, an imbecilic child, and an egregious embarrassment to the BarAssociaton who should be stripped of any and all lawyer-type-priveleges (I have no idea what that could be, possibly, like no more motions or something) then maybe she didn't do ALL the due diligence she could have, probably because of menopause.

    • It's always SOMEthing with those damn dames, innit?

      How ya doin' today, beautiful? Hatey-stabby-ragey yet? Or coasting on the first fifth, still?

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh my dear, today I feel as though I have been the one hated stabbed and raged at – I'm finding I do not care for it. I MUCH prefer to be the bitch toting the claw hammer, if you know what I mean…but now that you mention it, a fifth of something…yep, I'm in.

  • I find it fascinating how these guys seem to think "losing" is some kind of unnatural state of being that simply doesn't apply to them. "I didn't lose… I won an unrecognized stealth victory that only looks like a loss when seen through sin-colored liberal glasses!"

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I blame Charlie Sheen for this.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    “a woman scorned.” Yeah, that kind of distinguished leagalese is right up there with Cardozo and Holmes. You go Bradlee(Shouldn't it be Bradley?) Dean!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Justice delayed is justice denied, ergo procto ad hominem Judge Zeldon can't be a judge because broads are always late; star deity pro bono.

    I rest my case,
    Larry Klayman, ESQ

  • UnholyMoses

    So … he's basically arguing their case using such precedents as Rubber v. Glue, et al and Nu Uh v. Are Too.

    • elviouslyqueer

      And lest you forget Yo Momma v. Greasy Greezy Grandmaw, et seq.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      What do you expect from a guy who earned his JD from City Center Middle School?

  • Baconzgood

    I was at a show once in Cleveland. Jello Biafra was there and a guy about 10 feet in front of me noticed him and said "Hey, you're Jello Biafra aren't you?". Jello Biafra said "Yes I am it's always nice to meet a f…" and the dude punched him square in the face harder than I've ever seen a person punch another person. I wish I had that dude's # and an airline ticket to where ever Bradlee Dean lives.

    • Boy, Californians really can't forgive and forget, can they?

      • rickmaci

        Hell, we elected Jerry Brown to be Governor again, didn't we?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Jello Biatra ran for Mayor in San Francisco in '79 and never filed a financial report. By now, the fines and penalties must be about $1,000,000.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I saw Jello speak once. Now I almost feel bad for heckling his political speech with song requests.

    • This is why my brother doesn't perform in punk clubs anymore. There are too many random, violent idiots (and skinheads).

    • Being a hermit, I had to google him. This page summary stood out:

      "Biafra born and raised in Boulder, CO, six blocks from the JonBenet Ramsey murder site. So far, he has not been named as a suspect."

      Now that's a punch in the face.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Did this guy get his law degree from the Orly Taitz School of Dentistry, Real Estate and Lawyering?

    • rickmaci

      WOOZ School of Law. (Wizard of OZ)

  • rickmaci

    For those of you who are not legal eagles, attached is my quick summary of the brief.

  • spends2much

    Obviously a Constitutional Amendment needs to be added to deal with this sort of thing:

    If a Lady Judge be of egg laying age, she shall submit to the defendant a calendar with her Crazy Days circled.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, the Bible says that women on the rag are dirty and so it's sinful to associate with them. If a woman judge goes to her job during that time of the month she's violating my religious freedom!

      Either that or the Bible is a misogynistic, anti-human, immoral pile of shit.

      • Well, to be fair, SorosBot — TO BE FAIR, now — it's also a pretty misanthropic pile of shit.

      • spends2much

        If it gets me a week off work every month, I should maybe check it out!

        Except it's all those things you say.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, Oily Taints.

  • prommie

    I am truly getting sick of fucking stupid and fucking crazy. And mean and greedy and nasty and belligerent, too. I am sick of hating my life just because of the paychecks, too. I am getting to a breaking point of being sick of all this fucking shit.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I'm feelin the same way, fellow Wonketteer. So sick of this fucking inhumane stupid fucking crazy shit.

      • Baconzgood

        It's even more fucked up because I consider Wonkette one of the only bastions of sanity left in my life. This is wonkette for Christ sakes. None of us are even close to normal.

        • Baconz, not to be difficult or nothing, but when the world around you is FUCKING SCREAMING BATSHIT NUTS, it's a very good sign if you're NOT normal. (Hugs Baconz)

          • Lascauxcaveman

            My hippy brother-in-law had a bumper sticker on his old Corolla, "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." This, I found rather thought provoking, at that young impressionable time in my life. This was waaaay back in the early years of Saint Ronald of Reagan.

            We need to get more people paying attention, if we want things to improve.

          • emmelemm

            I still regularly see that bumper sticker. And it's still true.

          • I'm working on it as hard … well, OK. Ya got me. I need to work harder on this.

            Does anyone think I kinda sound like the donkey in "Animal Farm"? Because I'm starting to think I do.

        • bonghitforjesus

          feeling fucked up in a fucked up place at a fucked up time doesn't necessarily mean you are fucked up.

      • Clearly, I'm needed here today. (Hugs Nothingisamiss)

    • emmelemm

      I'm feeling particularly beaten down myself.

      • (Hugs emmelemm) NEVER give up. NEVER.

        • emmelemm

          Thank you.

          • You're welcome. I recommend the movie, if you have Netflix. It'll make you laugh, lift your spirits, and put you in a whole different place. From whence life might look just a smidgen less shitty.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I'll bring the torches if you'll bring the pitchforks.

      • prommie

        I don't even care enough; I just wanna run away and go live quietly, simply, poor but happy somewhere where noone can find me.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          This is the price we pay for being engaged in the process. I listen to NPR at the office all day and there are times I want to yell at the radio because of a story about the campaign or congress or Sister Rick Perry.

          I am totally on board for that desire. But, where on Earth could any of us go???

          • Mexico. Puerto Rico. Bali. Nepal. Bhutan. Vanuatu.

            There's lots of places. There's even lots of places right here. We are who we are. We're gonna want to be involved and change things no matter where we go. The crucial thing is to make sure it doesn't eat us alive. Prommie's being eaten alive. I wish I could help, but I'm not rich. If I were, I'd take him away from all this right now.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            "There's even lots of places right here."
            I don't have the resources to move to another country. But the possibility of joining the Twin Oaks community in Louisa is never far from my mind. A nice quiet life of makin' tofu, book indexing, and gardening doesn't sound bad.

          • Communal living in a community one can care about might be one answer. I'd love to be part of a community of gardeners and book lovers.

        • Seems like plenty of us are in league with your sentiments here.
          "We're gonna need a bigger boat ship"

        • Come away, sweetie. You can do it. You can find a place to make this happen. You've been on a steady simmer for a while now. Come out before it cooks everything you love right out of you. It'll be OK. You can do it.

        • eggsacklywright

          Prommie – FWIW, I'm a relative newbie around these parts but you've improved my day many times. And that's the opposite of stupid/fucked up. So thanks.

          Like Sam said: "I can't go on. I must go on."

    • (Hugs prommie)

      You workin' on giving it all up for the things you really want to do, sweetie?

      • prommie

        Ayup. Most sick of all of hating each and every fucking day just for some fucking money.

        • (Hugs prommie again) Let's get you outa there and into someplace where you'll be happy, or at least not constantly stewing in rage. You deserve so much better.

    • DahBoner

      There is no OFF switch on Stupid.

      • emmelemm

        At the moment, it's going to 11 and the dial is stuck.

  • One_who_wanders

    Insulting the judge, there is a winning strategy in real life. Seems to be lawyer's follies all over the intertubes this summer. Between this and the Oatmeal vs. Carreon mismatch we're popping popcorn as fast as we can…?

    • emmelemm

      It is weird, isn't it? I mean, IANAL and all, but I'm reading these "legal briefs" filed by these lunatics and thinking, Really? No, really? Does this pass muster anywhere, in any respect?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Carreon, for some reason, seems to think that dropping the lawsuit was a win for him because he got a lot of attention from it.
      Yeah, he got a lot of attention for being a shitty lawyer and an asshole.
      I hadn't read the latest. Wow, his wife Tara seems to be one…um, "interesting" piece of work.

      • That woman *really* doesn't like men at all. I wonder why she married him?

  • Lemme see…there's Larry Klayman, so beloved in the profession that he ended up opening a solo practice, versus Maddow's attorneys, Davis Wright Tremaine.

    Nine offices. 500 attorneys. 75 years old.

    I think Klayman may have a point here. If they needed 500 lawyers to defend Maddow, he must be one helluva lawyer.

  • Callyson

    Fun facts about You Can Run But You Can't Hide International from Wikipedia:

    "The ministry opens assemblies with a one hour set from Junkyard Prophet. The set incorporates a fog machine which has frequently set off school fire alarms, while the loudness of this music also led one high school staffer to warn students of permanent hearing loss at a 2005 assembly."

    Yeah, I know I wouldn't want to heat that crap. Also:

    "Following Dean's talk the assembly splits into three sections. In the first, "Under the Influence," the male students are taken aside to speak about being "on the power of music and the media to 'brainwash' young people, to encourage immoral behavior, and to obscure Truth." The female students are separated for a "Virtue Class" advocating chasteness prior to marriage. Students in the Virtue Class" have reported being "presented with a ‘treasure chest’ theory in which they were told that any sort of physical contact with a man before marriage would result in a woman becoming ‘leftovers’ for her husband." The third program, "Shock Treatment," is for teachers and administrators. In it, they are encouraged to "call bad behavior what it is and punish it." This session also "treats ADD and ADHD as diabolical fictions and emphasizes the importance of setting and adhering to rules and holding children accountable for their mistakes."

    Oh, for God's sake…

    • Baconzgood

      I was the one in the rafters working the sound system and smoking a pinch hitter.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      What? No program about when you should beat a child?

  • Guppy

    Court filings are much like municipal government meetings in that they allow crazy people to say whatever they want to an audience they think are required to care.

    • I'm surprised he didn't stoop to "The P-E-N-I-S goes in the anus"

  • hagajim

    I figure the Judge just needs to be raped in South Carolina to straighten her out.

  • Once again, thank you Nirvana for killing hair metal forever.

  • Mahousu

    For all the time Larry Klayman spent on Judicial Watch, he sure doesn't seem to have learned much about how courts work.

  • mavenmaven

    William Congreve Libel!

  • Honestly, couldn't his parents make their minds up whether to name the kid "Brad" or "Lee"?

    For fuck's sake, next time just name the crotchfruit Hayden Jayden Payden and be done with it.

    • Baconzgood

      BACONZ JR. LIBEL!!!!!!

      • OWL JR LIBELLLz, also. (Though not so sure JR works, kid is 2plus inches taller than I am.)

        • YOU named your kid Hayden Jayden Payden TOO?

          OMG. I am SO moving to a commune in Bali.

      • OMG, your kid is named Hayden Jayden Payden? No wonder he throws baseballs at your head!

        I still haven't forgiven my parents for naming me what they did, so I hope you're making enough to pay the poor kid's therapy bills.

  • So some shock jock I've never heard of who makes a living by pretending to be a "bad boy" says something shocking, and I'm supposed to be shocked?

    I say ignore him until he goes the full Nugent and threatens the President, then let the secret service handle it.

  • See? Jobs creation!

  • I'm surprised no one else has mentioned the obvs: this never would have happened in the first place if Rachel Maddow had been receiving sweet, sweet manmeat all along. Because, dykes,amirite?

    • I … really? Huh. I thought it was because she played his words back on the teev. No?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I don't know if I should be horrified enough at the news today to start doing hallucinogens again or if I should take this volcano of craziness as a sign that the right wing is having its death rattle. And then I decided they weren't mutually exclusive options.

    • Um … wut kind hallucinogens? Because, you know, I, um … have a friend.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "First, Klayman spends about 175 paragraphs bitching that Judge Joan Zeldon called Maddow’s attorneys 'distinguished' but did not call him 'distinguished.'”

    Klayman sounds more extinguished.

  • Pragmatist2

    Klayman needs to form a new group = Broken Watch

    • That would imply he'd be correct twice a day

      • Pragmatist2

        True – but you want to leave him with a goal to aspire to from his present "Never Right" position

  • Poindexter718

    Plaintiff's counsel has a point.
    Plaintiff sports the most distinguished & crisply-pressed doo-rag I have ever seen.

  • Dude needs to change his rag and take a Midol before filing motions.

    • Dude is a raasclot' if I ever saw one.

  • Estproph

    Why do I get the feeling that both these numbnutz missed their calling as used car salesmen?

  • BklynE

    First Marty Golden, now Larry Klayman? Cripes…what is in the water these last few months?

  • Antispandex

    …"Dean and his attorney Klayman …"

    Klu Klux Klayman?

  • BZ1

    Bradlee: "heavily tattooed survivor of multiple drug overdoses and stints in jail." Isn't Wikipedia fun?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Perhaps we could kidnap him and tattoo "SELF-LOATHING GAY" on his forehead.

      Oh yeah … and forcibly cut his hair. That being the new style of the times.

      • I'd settle for tattooing that on his ass.

  • Manhattan123

    Larry Klayman? What, was Orly Taitz busy?

  • Troglodeity

    I may be wrong, but I think that referring to the judge in your case, in writing, as "a woman scorned" and "jilted" maybe, just MAYBE, is an ethical violation. Unless you're referring to Scalia.

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, Bradlee Dean really screwed up. He could have easily won this thing if he had just said to Judge Zeldon "Have a Fantastic Period!"

  • sullivanst


    "When we went to that other court specifically because we realized our case was doooooomed in this one, it like totally wasn't surfing for a more favorable venue."

    Personally attacking the judge is always a genius legal move. Never fails!

  • ttommyunger

    BTW, Klayman is the one attorney I know of on Earth who has actually sued his own mother, no snark. OT, I would totally do Rachel, but in addition to the usual reasons she wouldn't go for it, she haz teh gheys.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You could turn ghey for Rachel, but then … it is quite a conundrum, isn't it?

      I've resigned myself to putting her high on my list of people I'd like to have a beer with.

      • ttommyunger

        I'm already a Lesbian trapped in a man's body, what more can I do? (whimper)

  • dennis1943

    Same Law School as Michele Bachmann………..?

  • fitley

    I'm surprised the Judge didn't order Bradlee to wear a clown costume and answer questions by honking a bulb horn.

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