You unlock the door to the imaginationDear Wonkville Forums:

I never thought it would happen to me!

Hey what’s that new thing over to the right? The thing that looks like the picture in this post. Oh, you don’t see it in the right sidebar? It’s right above the box where you can buy anything you like on Amazon, and Mama gets her cut. Try refreshing. Try refreshing again. You know what, just open a new browser. There! That is Wonkville, and it is where you will spend the rest of your natural life, mining stories in the story mine.

It is pretty fancy over there. You can post stories or you can upfist stories. Double-super Wonket operative “chascates,” when he isn’t farming begonias, usually sends your Wonket an average of 2,742 story tips per day, so we have made him the Company Man, and also he can delete your stories if you try to post any FourChan pron or bullshit spam. (We actually had to lobby to get a delete button added in for the mods. Is that not adorable?)

Anyway we hope you like it. We got it just for you, and for Chascates. If you ever miss your Wonket, just click your heels three times and then press where it says home.

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • ChernobylSoup

    If my contributions increase my income to $250K per year, I'm going to be pissed.

    We do get paid for participating, right?

  • Barb

    As usual, I am confused. Which side is the "shirts" and which is the "skins?"

  • PuckStopsHere

    You could have made the "home" button bigger. It took me a few moments to find it and I got scared while I was looking.

    • commiegirl99

      Shhh, Puck. Shhh. It's okay. We're right here.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        You are a jerb creator!

      • PuckStopsHere

        I think it's a bad idea. The not letting us link to porn sites part, that is. I have to believe the commentariat has some VERY interesting ideas regarding what is hard/easy to masturbate to and that many are dying to share with the group. On the plus side, there's a nice story over there on the other side regarding what an ass Peggeth of Nooningtonshire is, which is cool.

        • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

          fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap…

    • elviouslyqueer

      It took me a few moments to find it and I got scared while I was looking

      That's what she said.

      • PuckStopsHere

        I deeply resent this comment. I have a beautiful little dick…

  • My boss is gonna love this.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Thanks for setting this up, b/c I just made this awesome batch of lime jello mixed with Miracle Whip and green olives and want to upload picture of it so I can share it with all my Wonketteirs.

    • Buckminster

      Where's the marshmallows? "Lime jello, marshmallow, cottage cheese surprise…"

      • With slices of pimento, you won't believe your eyes!

  • not that Radio

    Do you mean the Ben & Jerry's ad?

    • It only shows up on the home page, not the individual posts.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Is that where you put the buttsecks?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I did a Ctrl+F5, and I still don't see shit.

    deit: I'll be damned. the "new browser" thing worked. Astounding! What manner of editor are you that can conjure up applets without flint or tinder?

    • She is known by many names. But some call her …. (impressive pyrotechnic display) … Tim!

      • viennawoods13

        Blue! No! Red! Green! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

  • prommie

    So its like Penthouse Forum? Cause you will never believe this thing that happened to me. . . .

    • Limeylizzie

      Go on…

      • prommie

        You already know.

        • Enquiring minds…

          • prommie

            Well, this one time, at lawyer camp . . .

          • You stuck a writ up your…

          • prommie

            No, no, come now, no joking, this really happened. I was talking to one of the other lawyers, in our cabin after lights out, and I asked him, just what actually happens, you know, with this "sex" thing. And he told me, that the man, takes his penis, and actually PUTS IT INSIDE the lady's vagina! And I said "Ewwwww, gross, I am never gonna do that, ew ew ew."

      • thatsitfortheother1

        …prommie (not her real name)…

        • eggsacklywright

          …decided to go for a dip in the lake with her friend Cyndy. Roy was already at the lake and…

          • mmeetoilenoir

            …he knew that those girls were kinda interesting. They seemed to touch each other all time. Once, they even…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Is this like Penhouse Forum but with 50 shades of green cash money?

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      There's nothing more irritating than reading porn. Hard to keep a book open with one hand.

      • Worse. Now that I'm of a certain age, I need reading glasses. It's even harder with those things bopping up and down on my nose.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Oh, the glasses. Had me going there…

  • BornInATrailer

    I find change very upsetting.

    • Be the change you seek

      Me, I'm trying to be a gold pirate doubloon

    • PuckStopsHere

      Things were always better before.

      • eggsacklywright

        Yep. These ARE the good old days.

  • What. Fresh. Hell.

  • In Russia, Ette Wonks YOU!

    • ChernobylSoup

      I am aware of all Internet traditions, and this Wonkville ain't one of them.



      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        There ain't no tradition like a new tradition!

  • Boojum

    Great. More procrastinational choices.

  • Estproph

    Great! Another thing to help me avoid work!

  • Guppy

    so we have made him the Company Man

    Wouldn't it have been cheaper/easier to take him out back and beat him instead?

    Or is dealing with our submissions somehow a worse punishment? I could believe that…

  • Hold me, someone. I askeered of change.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      That line ever work?

  • prommie

    What do you mean "new browser? How do I open a new browser? Won't it still just be the same old browser, just re-opened?

    • ChernobylSoup

      You can't just open one; you have to go to Best Buy and pick up the latest (and hope it's not on back order).

      • prommie

        How do I get it out of the box and into the computer? Is there a door or something, somewhere?

        • Back in the early aughts, I was working tech support for Bell South's dialup ISP service, and got a call from a frustrated customer who had been told that The Internet was on his computer, and what did he have to do to get The Internet off of it, because he only wanted to get email from his grandkids and maybe look up the weather report now and then. He didn't want the whole Internet on his computer, because he'd heard about the unchristian things that went on there.

          There was also the caller who wanted to know what kind of scam Bell South was running, charging him for his dialup service and then when he went to some websites they wanted more money from him before he could even see those websites (funny, he did not name them). He refused to believe that Bell South wasn't running the whole thing, because after all, all the time he's on the web, he's using Bell South, isn't he? I tried to explain that this was sort of like complaining to Chevrolet about the prices at Sears, but he wasn't having any of my slippery analogies.

          Also, it was my during my time providing customer service to Georgians that I first learned that some of them don't "hit" or "press" keys, they mash them. Or "maish," really.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            At least you didn't have the guy who plugged the powerstrip back into itself and couldn't figure out why NOTHING worked.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            That couldn't possibly have happened which means it probably did.

          • viennawoods13

            My first "real" job was telephone surveys. The hardest ones were when I got old Southwestern Ontario farmers on the other end of the phone, and trying to get them to just choose a damn answer, instead of making up their own.

          • I first learned that some of them …mash them.

            Exactly. The first restaurant job I worked between semesters in northwest Georgia had you waiting tables as well as ringing up customers at a register, where the girl training me on which keys gave you "No Sale" or "Subtotal" or "Tender", she'd say "mash that button" — it sort of took me getting used to.
            Also because her last name was "Mashburn." She and her sister, teenagers like myself at the time, both worked there & their family belonged to "Church of Holiness" whose denizens required, among other things, their womenfolk never dress in slacks or shorts, only skirts.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Here's one of the funniest CSR accounts I've ever seen — I certainly hope it's true though who knows:

  • ChernobylSoup

    Chascates has moved over to management. Don't talk about the organizing efforts if he's around.

    • chascates

      I remain a friend of the working man. I work 7 days a week on the farm (only about 55 hours tho) for $100 a week plus free rent so I must.

      • Cesar Chavez was never able to organize the server farm workers.

      • not that Radio

        Dammit, chascates! Slow down. (actually, you can go ahead and delete that WND one I just posted. I didn't see that you had already linked to it TWICE!)

    • UNION!

  • Is this the thingy Layne was muttering about some/ many months ago? I remember it showing up in the erstwhile "wonkwire" sidebar, reading it, then wondering whatever became of it.

    • not that Radio

      By George!

  • So now we get to call ourselves "wonkvilleans"?
    or wonkvillains.
    …wonk-vilifiers… wonk vetters..

    • Wasting away again in Wonk-eyville….searching for my lost shaker of crack….

    • Perhaps Wonkvilleins, to reflect the fact that today, we are all Wonkete indentured web-peons?

      • commiegirl99

        I was just going to say Wonkvilleins! YOU WIN! You may have a 10 minute break today.

  • I am outraged!

  • I was told there wouldn't be any essay questions.

  • Bezoar

    Hey, I tried it, and it looks pretty cool!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Not a single goddamn Tom Cruise story over there. What the HELL is THAT all about? Wake up sheeple!

    • IonaTrailer

      50 Shades of Sciencetology – or as we call it here in Los Angeles – Sphincterology.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Beat Farmer libel!

    • IonaTrailer

      I love the Beat Farmers!

      • Thurman Munster IV

        Country Dick was a good friend and is sorely missed. I heard Buddy play a year before he slipped this coil. Still one of the best unknown guitarists

    • commiegirl99

      The late lamented Buddy Blue was the guy who set up me and Layne on our ill-fated date!

  • I think the new feature is great–as long as everything remains just like it is now with no changes ever.

  • CrunchyKnee

    As an American, new things frighten me.

  • So basically, this is Redditt, but without the FourChan pron?

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    Schoenkopf, Zuckerberg. What's the difference?

    • Stevola

      Tits and a whip

  • DahBoner

    The Fresh Prince of Beverly Hills is gonna love this!!!

    Also, buttfucking.

  • Extemporanus

    This is exactly how the Huffington Post got started, dahhh-link.

    (This is a great idea that more than one of us have suggested over the years — which is what makes it great — so thank you for finally implementing it, Rebecca!)

    • commiegirl99

      I can't take credit. Layne started it rolling, and Kate and her merry band of hackers at Pressflex took it from there. I just said yes, and made my ex boyfriend design the BEYOOTIFUL logos.

      • Extemporanus

        Well, thank you for finishing Ken's sloppy seconds, then. Oh, and the logo is top drawer, which I was going to mention but didn't for fear of sounding like a suck up.

        I will save that for Friday night.

        Somewhat relatedly: Do you ever receive negative feedback about site performance on iPads (aside from me in the comments)? Much of the time, if I don't comment, it's because I literally can't comment because the page keeps loading and loading and bopping up and down the screen and me trying to hit the "Reply" box turns into a masochistic game of Whack-A-Mole. If the 540 Club has WiFi, I'll show you in person (though it will probably work fine then, just to spite me.)

  • MissTaken

    My God, it's full of stars

  • UnholyMoses

    So, essentially, that will be the place where Wonketteers with blogs can post links to their posts that no one would otherwise ever see.

    I might have to fire up my old site just for the lulz.

    Y'all are into daddy blogs, aren't ya?

  • chascates

    And Wonkville is another place to up thumb someone's Pness. On the comments I mean.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hey now, I have trouble just attending to my duties over here? Now I have to look at stuff over there? When am I supposed to do actually work…at work???

  • BarackMyWorld

    Maybe this will finally end the evil scourge of off-topic posting in comments.

    (Yes, I'm being ironic.)

  • Your new fenced in area promises "Hot Links", yet there is no downloadable coupon for spicy sausages that I can redeem at my local grocer. What the hell?!

  • i don't really understand but it looks shorter.

  • Jerri

    Will comments there be visible in the mobile version of my Wonkette?

    (Sorry Wonkette Overlords. The new(ish) mobile Wonkette looks really nice but not seeing comments or being able to comment is irritating.)

    I'll stop complaining now.

    • chascates

      I think that ball is in IntenseDebate's court. Even in the main article I get weird symbols every time an apostrophe is used. Mobile is the future so somebody fix it.

      • Jerri

        Oh, good point. I forgot about IntenseDebate.

        I haven't noticed any weird format issues when I read it on my phone. Do you get sent to "" (Sexy name, Mobile Wonkette.)

        • chascates

          Hmm, I use my Blackberry's browser (Google, then Wonkette) so there's a multiple of possible errors. PLUS whatever Big Sis and NHS is doing to Wonkette.

  • Is that one of them there Higgs Bison I keep hearing about?

  • Grief_Lessons

    I'm not sure I want to see the id to Wonkette's superego.

  • jackoapostrophe

    I tried to submit a link but couldn't figure it out. Thanks a lot, American Public Schools!

  • Redgyal

    This does not work on iPad so it is not good.

  • ttommyunger

    I don't know what this is about, but that's OK 'cause I don't give a fuck. Hope you don't mind. …Not really, I don't give a fuck.

  • Billmatic

    There are forums? Is this the forum? I am confused.

Previous articleFat Cat Gov’t Scientists Suggest It’s Really Hot Outside All The Time
Next articleFormer FBI Lady Saw Angels At 9/11 Crash Site, Also Happens To Be Selling A Book