A DIMENSION OF SIGHT  9:38 am July 10, 2012

Now Entering Wonkville, Population You!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

You unlock the door to the imaginationDear Wonkville Forums:

I never thought it would happen to me!

Hey what’s that new thing over to the right? The thing that looks like the picture in this post. Oh, you don’t see it in the right sidebar? It’s right above the box where you can buy anything you like on Amazon, and Mama gets her cut. Try refreshing. Try refreshing again. You know what, just open a new browser. There! That is Wonkville, and it is where you will spend the rest of your natural life, mining stories in the story mine.

It is pretty fancy over there. You can post stories or you can upfist stories. Double-super Wonket operative “chascates,” when he isn’t farming begonias, usually sends your Wonket an average of 2,742 story tips per day, so we have made him the Company Man, and also he can delete your stories if you try to post any FourChan pron or bullshit spam. (We actually had to lobby to get a delete button added in for the mods. Is that not adorable?)

Anyway we hope you like it. We got it just for you, and for Chascates. If you ever miss your Wonket, just click your heels three times and then press where it says home.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 109 comments }

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

If my contributions increase my income to $250K per year, I'm going to be pissed.

We do get paid for participating, right?

Barb July 10, 2012 at 9:44 am

As usual, I am confused. Which side is the "shirts" and which is the "skins?"

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 9:56 am

Men are the shirts.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

Hear! Hear! No Moobs around here!

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

Not even side moob.

LibertyLover July 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

OK, but they have to wear skorts or skirts.

comrad_darkness July 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

All I know is the girls always seem to choose the shirts side. :(

Naked_Bunny July 10, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I thought it was shorts and skins. No wonder I'm always being asked to leave.

NYNYNYjr July 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I'm also confused. It's like wonkette…. but different? It has more numbers? It's like an open thread?

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 9:46 am

You could have made the "home" button bigger. It took me a few moments to find it and I got scared while I was looking.

commiegirl99 July 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

Shhh, Puck. Shhh. It's okay. We're right here.

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

You are a jerb creator!

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

I think it's a bad idea. The not letting us link to porn sites part, that is. I have to believe the commentariat has some VERY interesting ideas regarding what is hard/easy to masturbate to and that many are dying to share with the group. On the plus side, there's a nice story over there on the other side regarding what an ass Peggeth of Nooningtonshire is, which is cool.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap…

elviouslyqueer July 10, 2012 at 10:53 am

It took me a few moments to find it and I got scared while I was looking

That's what she said.

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

I deeply resent this comment. I have a beautiful little dick…

Chill_Bill July 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

My boss is gonna love this.

Allmighty_Manos July 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

Thanks for setting this up, b/c I just made this awesome batch of lime jello mixed with Miracle Whip and green olives and want to upload picture of it so I can share it with all my Wonketteirs.

Buckminster July 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

Where's the marshmallows? "Lime jello, marshmallow, cottage cheese surprise…"

drrty_martini July 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm

With slices of pimento, you won't believe your eyes!

not that Radio July 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

Do you mean the Ben & Jerry's ad?

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:05 am

It only shows up on the home page, not the individual posts.

ProgressiveInga July 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

Is that where you put the buttsecks?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 9:49 am

I did a Ctrl+F5, and I still don't see shit.

deit: I'll be damned. the "new browser" thing worked. Astounding! What manner of editor are you that can conjure up applets without flint or tinder?

Doktor Zoom July 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

She is known by many names. But some call her …. (impressive pyrotechnic display) … Tim!

viennawoods13 July 10, 2012 at 11:10 am

Blue! No! Red! Green! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

prommie July 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

So its like Penthouse Forum? Cause you will never believe this thing that happened to me. . . .

Limeylizzie July 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

Go on…

prommie July 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

You already know.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

Enquiring minds…

prommie July 10, 2012 at 10:06 am

Well, this one time, at lawyer camp . . .

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

…prommie (not her real name)…

eggsacklywright July 10, 2012 at 10:13 am

…decided to go for a dip in the lake with her friend Cyndy. Roy was already at the lake and…

mmeetoilenoir July 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm

…he knew that those girls were kinda interesting. They seemed to touch each other all time. Once, they even…

EatsBabyDingos July 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

Is this like Penhouse Forum but with 50 shades of green cash money?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

There's nothing more irritating than reading porn. Hard to keep a book open with one hand.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

Worse. Now that I'm of a certain age, I need reading glasses. It's even harder with those things bopping up and down on my nose.

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 10:06 am

Oh, the glasses. Had me going there…

BornInATrailer July 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

I find change very upsetting.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

Be the change you seek

Me, I'm trying to be a gold pirate doubloon

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 10:16 am

Things were always better before.

eggsacklywright July 10, 2012 at 10:21 am

Yep. These ARE the good old days.

muthalovin July 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

What. Fresh. Hell.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

In Russia, Ette Wonks YOU!

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 9:58 am

I am aware of all Internet traditions, and this Wonkville ain't one of them.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

SHORTER CHERNOBYL SOUP:

Y U MAD, WONKVILLE?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

There ain't no tradition like a new tradition!

Boojum July 10, 2012 at 9:58 am

Great. More procrastinational choices.

Estproph July 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

Great! Another thing to help me avoid work!

Guppy July 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

so we have made him the Company Man

Wouldn't it have been cheaper/easier to take him out back and beat him instead?

Or is dealing with our submissions somehow a worse punishment? I could believe that…

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:00 am

Hold me, someone. I askeered of change.

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

That line ever work?

prommie July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

What do you mean "new browser? How do I open a new browser? Won't it still just be the same old browser, just re-opened?

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 10:06 am

You can't just open one; you have to go to Best Buy and pick up the latest (and hope it's not on back order).

prommie July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

How do I get it out of the box and into the computer? Is there a door or something, somewhere?

Doktor Zoom July 10, 2012 at 10:26 am

Back in the early aughts, I was working tech support for Bell South's dialup ISP service, and got a call from a frustrated customer who had been told that The Internet was on his computer, and what did he have to do to get The Internet off of it, because he only wanted to get email from his grandkids and maybe look up the weather report now and then. He didn't want the whole Internet on his computer, because he'd heard about the unchristian things that went on there.

There was also the caller who wanted to know what kind of scam Bell South was running, charging him for his dialup service and then when he went to some websites they wanted more money from him before he could even see those websites (funny, he did not name them). He refused to believe that Bell South wasn't running the whole thing, because after all, all the time he's on the web, he's using Bell South, isn't he? I tried to explain that this was sort of like complaining to Chevrolet about the prices at Sears, but he wasn't having any of my slippery analogies.

Also, it was my during my time providing customer service to Georgians that I first learned that some of them don't "hit" or "press" keys, they mash them. Or "maish," really.

thatsitfortheother1 July 10, 2012 at 10:32 am

At least you didn't have the guy who plugged the powerstrip back into itself and couldn't figure out why NOTHING worked.

viennawoods13 July 10, 2012 at 11:14 am

My first "real" job was telephone surveys. The hardest ones were when I got old Southwestern Ontario farmers on the other end of the phone, and trying to get them to just choose a damn answer, instead of making up their own.

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 11:18 am

I first learned that some of them …mash them.

Exactly. The first restaurant job I worked between semesters in northwest Georgia had you waiting tables as well as ringing up customers at a register, where the girl training me on which keys gave you "No Sale" or "Subtotal" or "Tender", she'd say "mash that button" — it sort of took me getting used to.
Also because her last name was "Mashburn." She and her sister, teenagers like myself at the time, both worked there & their family belonged to "Church of Holiness" whose denizens required, among other things, their womenfolk never dress in slacks or shorts, only skirts.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2012 at 11:29 am

Here's one of the funniest CSR accounts I've ever seen — I certainly hope it's true though who knows: http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/0034

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

Chascates has moved over to management. Don't talk about the organizing efforts if he's around.

chascates July 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

I remain a friend of the working man. I work 7 days a week on the farm (only about 55 hours tho) for $100 a week plus free rent so I must.

Doktor Zoom July 10, 2012 at 10:31 am

Cesar Chavez was never able to organize the server farm workers.

not that Radio July 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

Dammit, chascates! Slow down. (actually, you can go ahead and delete that WND one I just posted. I didn't see that you had already linked to it TWICE!)

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:05 am

UNION!

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 10:02 am

Is this the thingy Layne was muttering about some/ many months ago? I remember it showing up in the erstwhile "wonkwire" sidebar, reading it, then wondering whatever became of it.

not that Radio July 10, 2012 at 10:34 am

By George!

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

So now we get to call ourselves "wonkvilleans"?
or wonkvillains.
…wonk-vilifiers… wonk vetters..

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 10:06 am

Wasting away again in Wonk-eyville….searching for my lost shaker of crack….

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 10, 2012 at 10:31 am

Perhaps Wonkvilleins, to reflect the fact that today, we are all Wonkete indentured web-peons?

commiegirl99 July 10, 2012 at 11:13 am

I was just going to say Wonkvilleins! YOU WIN! You may have a 10 minute break today.

DerrickWildcat July 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

I am outraged!

Joshua Norton July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

I was told there wouldn't be any essay questions.

Bezoar July 10, 2012 at 10:13 am

Hey, I tried it, and it looks pretty cool!

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 10:17 am

Not a single goddamn Tom Cruise story over there. What the HELL is THAT all about? Wake up sheeple!

IonaTrailer July 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

50 Shades of Sciencetology – or as we call it here in Los Angeles – Sphincterology.

Thurman Munster IV July 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

Beat Farmer libel!

IonaTrailer July 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

I love the Beat Farmers!

Thurman Munster IV July 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Country Dick was a good friend and is sorely missed. I heard Buddy play a year before he slipped this coil. Still one of the best unknown guitarists

commiegirl99 July 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm

The late lamented Buddy Blue was the guy who set up me and Layne on our ill-fated date!

Chow Yun Flat July 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

I think the new feature is great–as long as everything remains just like it is now with no changes ever.

CrunchyKnee July 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

As an American, new things frighten me.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 10, 2012 at 10:32 am

So basically, this is Redditt, but without the FourChan pron?

WorkTheSaxofone July 10, 2012 at 10:49 am

Schoenkopf, Zuckerberg. What's the difference?

Stevola July 10, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Tits and a whip

DahBoner July 10, 2012 at 10:59 am

The Fresh Prince of Beverly Hills is gonna love this!!!

Also, buttfucking.

Extemporanus July 10, 2012 at 11:19 am

This is exactly how the Huffington Post got started, dahhh-link.

(This is a great idea that more than one of us have suggested over the years — which is what makes it great — so thank you for finally implementing it, Rebecca!)

commiegirl99 July 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

I can't take credit. Layne started it rolling, and Kate and her merry band of hackers at Pressflex took it from there. I just said yes, and made my ex boyfriend design the BEYOOTIFUL logos.

Extemporanus July 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Well, thank you for finishing Ken's sloppy seconds, then. Oh, and the logo is top drawer, which I was going to mention but didn't for fear of sounding like a suck up.

I will save that for Friday night.

Somewhat relatedly: Do you ever receive negative feedback about site performance on iPads (aside from me in the comments)? Much of the time, if I don't comment, it's because I literally can't comment because the page keeps loading and loading and bopping up and down the screen and me trying to hit the "Reply" box turns into a masochistic game of Whack-A-Mole. If the 540 Club has WiFi, I'll show you in person (though it will probably work fine then, just to spite me.)

MissTaken July 10, 2012 at 11:26 am

My God, it's full of stars

UnholyMoses July 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

So, essentially, that will be the place where Wonketteers with blogs can post links to their posts that no one would otherwise ever see.

I might have to fire up my old site just for the lulz.

Y'all are into daddy blogs, aren't ya?

chascates July 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

And Wonkville is another place to up thumb someone's Pness. On the comments I mean.

Jus_Wonderin July 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Hey now, I have trouble just attending to my duties over here? Now I have to look at stuff over there? When am I supposed to do actually work…at work???

BarackMyWorld July 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Maybe this will finally end the evil scourge of off-topic posting in comments.

(Yes, I'm being ironic.)

Chet Kincaid July 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Your new fenced in area promises "Hot Links", yet there is no downloadable coupon for spicy sausages that I can redeem at my local grocer. What the hell?!

fuflans July 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

i don't really understand but it looks shorter.

Jerri July 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Will comments there be visible in the mobile version of my Wonkette?

(Sorry Wonkette Overlords. The new(ish) mobile Wonkette looks really nice but not seeing comments or being able to comment is irritating.)

I'll stop complaining now.

chascates July 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I think that ball is in IntenseDebate's court. Even in the main article I get weird symbols every time an apostrophe is used. Mobile is the future so somebody fix it.

Jerri July 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Oh, good point. I forgot about IntenseDebate.

I haven't noticed any weird format issues when I read it on my phone. Do you get sent to "touch.wonkette.com?" (Sexy name, Mobile Wonkette.)

chascates July 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Hmm, I use my Blackberry's browser (Google, then Wonkette) so there's a multiple of possible errors. PLUS whatever Big Sis and NHS is doing to Wonkette.

gurukalehuru July 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Is that one of them there Higgs Bison I keep hearing about?

Grief_Lessons July 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I'm not sure I want to see the id to Wonkette's superego.

jackoapostrophe July 10, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I tried to submit a link but couldn't figure it out. Thanks a lot, American Public Schools!

Redgyal July 10, 2012 at 10:16 pm

This does not work on iPad so it is not good.

ttommyunger July 10, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I don't know what this is about, but that's OK 'cause I don't give a fuck. Hope you don't mind. …Not really, I don't give a fuck.

Billmatic July 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

There are forums? Is this the forum? I am confused.

Chow Yun Flat July 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

You stuck a writ up your…

prommie July 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

No, no, come now, no joking, this really happened. I was talking to one of the other lawyers, in our cabin after lights out, and I asked him, just what actually happens, you know, with this "sex" thing. And he told me, that the man, takes his penis, and actually PUTS IT INSIDE the lady's vagina! And I said "Ewwwww, gross, I am never gonna do that, ew ew ew."

Butch_Wagstaff July 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

That couldn't possibly have happened which means it probably did.

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