$100 MILLION ISN'T COOL  1:02 pm July 10, 2012

What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either

by Kris E. Benson

Romney (R-Money)Oh HI, rapidly aging baby boomers! How is that retirement planning coming? From what we hear, not so hot! Perhaps if America’s baby boomers had been as smart as Mitt Romney and found a way to siphon $100,000,000 (ONE HUNDRED MILLION) into an IRA (individual retirement account to you young ones) in spite of strict caps on contributions, and found tax loopholes to exploit and sent their moneys on exotic vacations to places like Bermuda, they would not have to suckle so hard from the government’s teat and would be able to exercise Personal Responsibility of the kind that Saint Reagan preached.

As TPM reports:

After a six-month hiatus, a Vanity Fair article about Mitt Romney’s tangled web of investments has thrust his foreign holdings and complicated tax strategies back into the center of the 2012 campaign. But questions have persisted for months about an individual retirement account held by the Romneys valued at upwards of $100 million — a stunning amount for a savings vehicle designed to provide middle class retirees comfortable, but non-lavish retirement.

His IRA raises two key questions, both of which his campaign has consistently declined to answer: How, despite a $6000 legal limit on annual contributions to an IRA, did Romney’s IRA grow to over $100 million? And did he avoid any U.S. taxes on its enormous returns?

How DID he avoid these taxes? How indeed? Are you sitting down? Good because you’ll be shocked—SHOCKED—to know that he did so through telling a very specific type of lie about the size of the initial contributions. But this lie benefits rich people, mostly, so don’t worry, it’s totally legal and above board! And then he told another kind of a lie, that also benefits rich people, so is also probably legal. Except this is less a lie than a kind of an obfuscation, which is kind of complicated so to be fair, Romney probably didn’t think of it himself:

Romney’s campaign has publicly insisted that none of Romney’s foreign investments have allowed him to avoid U.S. taxes. But the campaign has persistently declined to answer questions about a specific, but obscure tax, that Romney’s IRA may have helped him circumvent….

In other words Romney’s IRA may hold stock in Romney’s offshore funds, those funds could have levered up [in other words, been highly leveraged -ed] and yielded huge returns to the IRA [translation: "paid a lot of money to the individual retirement account"]. That would allow Romney not just to circumvent the annual contribution limits, but to avoid a 35 percent tax that would have kicked in if the IRA had taken on the debt-financed investments directly.

In other words, he was using a tax-deferred vehicle to make a bunch of investments, even though the tax-deferred vehicle was designed to help Poors and Middle Class people have a dignified retirement, NOT help rich people evade taxes. This, of course, is just a theory — it’s possible that he told different kinds of legal lies that benefit rich people, instead of or in addition to these. Except we’ll never REALLY know, since Romney is still refusing to release enough tax returns to let the experts figure it out, probably because of class warfare concerns. Anyway, you plebes wouldn’t understand how it works, because of not being educated and all.

[TPM]

 

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{ 179 comments }

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

How can Baby Boomers be getting close to retirement? When you ask them, they all say they're "middle aged."

Oblios_Cap July 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

That's because we'll all have to work another 30 years into our 80s and still have to eat dog food when we retire.

LesBontemps July 10, 2012 at 1:24 pm

You'll have dog food? Rich bastard.

HogeyeGrex July 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm

LUUUUUUUXURY!

OneDollarJuana July 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hmmm. Maybe I should be hanging on to those mice I've been catching under the kitchen sink.

JustPixelz July 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

By deferring retirement because IRAs are too low or health insurance is too high, the olds hold on to jobs that otherwise could be filled by the youngs. That's why keeping social security (and personal savings when you're older) away from stock market is a good idea: It lets you retire when the market is bad, or when your employer needs to uncreate your job due to another Bush (or clone) being elected.

Maman July 10, 2012 at 2:32 pm

That my friend, is what makes America great.

Jus_Wonderin July 10, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Dog Food? I plan to eat the dog!

Isyaignert July 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

65 is the new 40.

MOG2410 July 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Noooooooooooooooo, I thought 50 was. I'm never going to get to retire.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Don't you know, 60 is the new 40! Which is something my old-but-in-denial parents actually said.

MOG2410 July 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm

It doesn't feel like it, just say'n

Fare la Volpe July 10, 2012 at 2:20 pm

My parents have given up all pretension and embraced their fifties with gusto. My mother now times herself from when she enters the door after work to see how fast she can get into her pajamas. This is an actual thing she actually does.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Mine are still all about the pretense. They're 65 and almost 64, both are retired but they still claim they're not old, my mom religiously dies her hair and they both think they pass as in their 40s (they don't).

emmelemm July 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I used to be all like that ("ha ha silly old people just wake up and smell the Aspercreme"), but just wait'll you're 40. Then remember when you were 20. Then imagine being 60. Who wouldn't try to hold on to their youth?

Maman July 10, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Yeah, I hear that from my mom too. I am 46, she is 68. I keep saying to her, "How many 136 year old women do YOU know?"

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Because I only have to work another twenty years, instead of working only 40 when I was twenty five. I'm half-way there, and it's only taken me thirty years to get here!

ibwilliamsi July 11, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I say it, but I also know it's not so.

skoalrebel July 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Stop it, Libtards! spit Romney has nothin' to do with the Irish Republican Army! The terrorist is the Kenyan Mooslimb in the White House! spit Him and his Black Panther wife are known to pal around with terrorists, y'know. Romney Libel!

MOG2410 July 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm

thanks, i was getting so confused.

Gratuitous World July 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I have a middling ROTH IRA. He must have that exclusive + supernatural THOR IRA. not for the poorz + middle class

elgin_pelican July 10, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I have a MOTH RA which will descend on Tokyo when I turn 65 (Osaka if I take early retirement).

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Did there you, see I did.

fartknocker July 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Mitt enjoys asking his chauffeur to slow down when he drives past a crowd so he can throw rocks at them.

Rosie_Scenario July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And sometimes, he'll stop the car if someone needs his hair cut.

va_real July 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

But not in West Philly.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Boy…won't he be surprised when they start throwing rocks back.

OzoneTom July 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I need to start using Mitt's travel agent for my munnies holidays abroad.

coolhandnuke July 10, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Mitt's IRA has finally matured to "just the right height" he's comfortable with.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 10, 2012 at 1:07 pm

My IRA is full of cobwebs and magic beans.

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

My IRA is full of nebbish.

Extemporanus July 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

My IRAdio is full of static.

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Try tuning it. I hear it'll work a lot better in a day or so.

not that Radio July 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

My hovercraft is full of eels.

Extemporanus July 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Ahh, that's better — turns out that one of the knobs was missing. ^^^

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

*blows raspberry*
*regards avatar*

From your dog's[?] anus to Yahweh's ears!!

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Less than 24 hours and….BOO.

EatsBabyDingos July 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I went long on Hobo Beans, and now have a hundred million hobos.

Love, Uncle Sam

Beowoof July 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Hiding money overseas and then lying about slipping money into his IRA. Well don't worry if Mitt is elected he will slip you a little something from his magic underwear. Just lay back and enjoy.

Fare la Volpe July 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Right now my retirement plan consists of a box of Magnums and prodigious amounts of shrooms. I think it's gonna work out just fine.

Crank_Tango July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Elitist.

FakaktaSouth July 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Oh man I always knew we were meant to be the dearest of friends. I wish that had been my erstwhile old man's plan too, then there would be more to steal – sometimes it's a lucky thing to be able to shroom it out.

Fare la Volpe July 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

The first time I did shrooms I hallucinated that I was visited by a girl with Wolverine-style claws coming out of every angle on her body, and her friend, the woman with humanity's collective womb in her head. They were very nice and invited me to tea and daquiris!

I've seen them both a few more times since, but next time I trip I'll try to get their Facebook accounts before I sober up.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Oh. Well. I guess I'm retired and didn't notice, then.

Tommy1733 July 10, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Please share the name of your retirement home.

prommie July 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Magnums? What the fuck are magnums? Big dickbags? You tryin' to say you gots a big one? Showoff!

Oblios_Cap July 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm

The Miacle of the Bush economy pretty much prevented me from ever having to worry about the money in my IRA. Wall Street stole it all.

cheetojeebus July 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm

IRA?

PubOption July 10, 2012 at 1:46 pm

From your avatar, very likely!

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm

He's just pissed he didn't wait until he rescinded the death tax.

not that Radio July 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

There's a tax on DYING now? I can't afford that. Will no one think of the corpse creators?

noodlesalad July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

But Rmoney has promised to share all of his investor secrets with America once we elect him! Isn't that what's supposed to happen? We all get Cayman IRAs and car elevators?

Guppy July 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Romney/Lesko 2012!

Baconzgood July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Lies are people too my friend.

OneYieldRegular July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Those Stieg Larsson books would have been much more entertaining if Lisbeth Sander had hacked into Mitt Romney's accounts.

HempDogbane July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Not to mention when she took her revenge on Karl Rove.

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

It was pretty harrowing when Dick Cheney shot her in the face, though it made her final revenge all the sweeter. "Hello, Tea Party? He's in the abandoned warehouse with his feet nailed to the floor. And he said deficits don't matter."

Antispandex July 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"— a stunning amount for a savings vehicle designed to provide middle class retirees comfortable, but non-lavish retirement."

Haven't the middle classers had it easy enough. Isn't it time we gave the super rich a break. Because if not, we're just supporting class warfare…and that's bad. Bad.

Oblios_Cap July 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm

the tax-deferred vehicle was designed to help Poors and Middle Class people have a dignified retirement

In all fairness, $100M is a pretty dignified retirement.

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It comes with a monocle and top hat!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Taxes are not people, my friends, which is why we must destroy them before they destroy us.

Fare la Volpe July 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Taxes watch you when you're sleeping, and they're coming for your wife!

ph7 July 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Taxes have an extra bone in its feet.

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I don't believe in taxes!

LesBontemps July 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

All my axes live in taxes.

LesBontemps July 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

The eyes of taxes are upon you?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That's why we have to prevent gay marriage. Otherwise everyone will avoid taxes by not having wives!

eggsacklywright July 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Taxes are the same as herpes.

mavenmaven July 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Finally, a president who will strip mine our country's finances and do for us what our former ally, Ferdinand Marcos, did for the Philippines.

Oblios_Cap July 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

So- will Horsewoman get to own 300 (more) pairs of shoes?

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm willing to bet Ann's shoe closet makes Imelda's look like a spice cabinet.

HogeyeGrex July 10, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Ferdinand did not have a car elevator.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Mitt also claims he had no idea about that Bahamian shell corporation he signed over to his wife the day before he became governor. Apparently his investments are so evolved that they've become sentient and self-aware — so, in fact, he was right — corporations are people.

nounverb911 July 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Rep. Peter King's IRA is full of terrorists.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Ah, fuck you and fuck everyone who made too many damned comments to read them all before posting! And damn, that should have way too obscure for anyone else to have thought of.

sullivanst July 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I'm kinda mad at myself for not thinking of it. Although, I do live in his district, until November, or is it January the new boundaries take effect?

Not_So_Much July 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The first hundred mil is nobody's business but his. And his car elevator company. And whoever dopes up his broken down dancing horses. But that's it.

HogeyeGrex July 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm

And this lamp…

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And the paddle ball.

Jennyjen798 July 10, 2012 at 8:16 pm

And the dog…wait someone else can keep Seamus.

Awful People July 10, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I haven't heard a politician not talk about the IRA this much since Pete King held hearings on terrist sympathizers.

Crank_Tango July 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Tax cheats are people too, my friend.

Callyson July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

On a campaign conference call in January, Romney’s trustee promised to investigate whether Romney’s IRA included investments that allowed him to avoid the UBIT. Neither he nor the campaign ever provided an answer

Can't wait to hear how Rmoney tries to flip flop this one…I'm sure we'll be hearing his complete explanation/s in 3…2…1…speak up there, Mittens…

ChernobylSoup July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I'm starting to think there's not a quiet room big enough to discuss all the things Mitt needs to explain.

OneYieldRegular July 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'm starting to think we don't know the half of it.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

even though the tax-deferred vehicle was designed to help Poors and Middle Class people have a dignified retirement

If the nails ladies can afford to retire, then the price of having one's nails done might go the wrong way. Can't you uneducated peons understand this?
~

starfanglednut July 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Stupid libtards. Romeny is a rich person and therefore morally superior. He would never cheat. Only people on welfare cheat. The explanation is simple. He's been putting $6000/yr into his IRA for 16666.666 years. Duh.

Dumbedup July 10, 2012 at 2:35 pm

He won't cheat on Anne, because he obviously can't get hard for anything but MONEY, piles and oodles of MONEY, he lays around dreaming of the stuff, clutching it, breathing hard when his minions dream up another way to keep more of it. Some men drink, and some screw around, but this man is a MONEY fetishist plainly.

sullivanst July 10, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Hey, can't everyone set up their own investment funds, issue shares to their IRAs at an artificially low par value, and declare 20% growth rates over 30 years?

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

You can! At freelegalforms.com!

sullivanst July 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Now where's that seed money… I know I left it around here somewhere, probably with Saddam's WMD's, but I can't remember where I put those either.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2012 at 1:23 pm

How, despite a $6000 legal limit on annual contributions to an IRA, did Romney’s IRA grow to over $100 million?

Don't make such a big deal out of this — anyone who's 16,666 years old would have that much in their IRA. And since Mitt's been creating jobs since before cattle were domesticated, I think he deserves it.

Thurman Munster IV July 10, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Cows? Before the fucking wheel was invented! To be fair to Mittenz, are Mormon alien planet years shorter than Earth years?

RadioSlut July 10, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Maybe he did it in quiet rooms?

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 1:24 pm

This IRA thing? when last I checked .. could inspire more Frostian* / "Outsiders" verse that should do Rebecca proud:

My IRA's first green was gold —
Contributions were few, but bold!
Its early fruit from flower
Lasted only about an hour
Then stock subsided to plunged stock
So speculations sank in disbelief
So its value's still illin' today…
While Mitts' boons rècherchè!?!

emmelemm July 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I quoted that poem in my college admission essay (moons and moons ago). Memriez!

BerkeleyBear July 10, 2012 at 1:25 pm

The thing is, I completely believe Romney's people when they say he's fully complied with the laws. Because I've read just enough corporate documentation to know that legal compliance doesn't have shit to do with right or wrong, and that the average American has no clue just how many ways there are to manipulate money if you have no conscience.

MOG2410 July 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Exactly.

Chill_Bill July 10, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This shit makes me IRAte.

Blueb4sunrise July 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I only have IPA.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I thought the IRA got money for terrorist lovers like Congressman Perter King.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"How is that retirement planning coming?"

HAHAHAHA. I'd need to actually have a job and money before I could actually think about saving for retirement! Not that I plan on retiring, since the Baby Boomers will probably eventually win on their promise to destroy Medicare and Social Security for all of us who are not yet elderly like them.

Blueb4sunrise July 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Well, it's mostly to screw Lee Camp and Jamie Kilstein, the rest of you are only collateral damage.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I don't know to which group I belong. I was born in '61. By some measures I'm a boomer (going up to 1964), by others I'm an x-er.

This is a silly question any since I'm fucked either way.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If I'm X and was born in 76, there's no way 61 is gen-X.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Probably right…besides, fucked is fucked so it matters not.—

BerkeleyBear July 10, 2012 at 4:48 pm

See, pity those of us born in the early 70s. We definitely aren't boomers (or so the statisticians tell us) but the whole Gen-X thing doesn't feel right, either. I think we are the "AIDS and Nancy Reagan scared us out of the joys of misspent youth" generation. Which might explain why we're such immature pricks even as we approach our 40s.

emmelemm July 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I dunno, I consider myself pretty solidly Gen-X.

SorosBot July 10, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Yeah, where I am is the tail end of Gen-X; my brother, just six years younger, is smack in the middle of the Gen-Y/millennials, having graduated college in 2000.

Isyaignert July 10, 2012 at 4:59 pm

On behalf of all Baby Boomers, I whole-heartedly apologize for letting the crazy right winggers destroy all that our parents worked for to give us a better life. Things like a 40 hour work week and a secure pension with safe working conditions, clean water, air, safe food, care for the mentally ill, contraception and trying to get healthcare for all (RIP Hillarycare). We fukked up the world so damn bad that it is doubtful we can ever regain the glory days of the 1950-1979. I am so very, very sorry, although I have never personally voted for a Republcon in my life.

Goonemeritus July 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

“How, despite a $6000 legal limit on annual contributions to an IRA, did Romney’s IRA grow to over $100 million?”

I’m told some of those Human Trafficking index funds can have excellent returns.

SoBeach July 10, 2012 at 1:30 pm

It looks like Romney engaged in the same bs with his kids' trust funds. They somehow managed to accumulate tens of millions of dollars with just $10k/year contributed by daddy.

The getting rich by screwing people over part people understand. It's the refusal to even give a reach around by paying taxes that's gonna really tick people off. Even some republicans.

prommie July 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Yerp, its the de riguer way to avoid the gift and inheritance taxes that we have repealed anyway, you create a security instrument with an artificially low present value which is designed to appreciate extraordinarly at some later point, and gradually move these cheap shares to the kids trust staying under the $10,000/$20,000 annual exclusion, till next thing you know, you have a $100,000,000 trust find that has avoided all estate and gift taxes! Yay heirs!

LesBontemps July 10, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Wait, guys, this is Mitt's solution to the national budget/debt crisis! He is a genius!

Ducksworthy July 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

That's it! Take all the money in the social security trust fund and invest it in aborted fetus futures-profit.

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

And as voters who voted for Romney, we collect our management fees, even if the country goes belly-up. I like it!

johnnyzhivago July 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

This is so complicated I just have to assume Romney is an honest man who would never try to avoid paying his fair share of taxes, right??

johnnyzhivago July 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Romney has actually managed to execute the Steve Martin "how to make a million dollars and don't pay any taxes" routine in real life!

EXCCCCUUUUSEEE ME!!!

MOG2410 July 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Wait, first steal a million dollars. Then don't pay any taxes. It works!

va_real July 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Why would Mitt know anything about IRA? He's probably never even HEARD of 'This American Life'…

PubOption July 10, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Ira's name reminds Mitt of that awful socialist act that tried to regulate banks.

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Fuck this guy. Just fuck this guy. No wonder he won't release his tax returns. He's stealing from all of us. He's stealing from the country he professes to love. He's stealing from the country he thinks he is going to lead. Fuck this guy.

hagajim July 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm

For the MittBot the IRA stands for Individual Rich Ass account.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Now now, everyone cheats on their taxes! The rich just have lawyers and accountants who can find the best ways to do it!

Who among us hasn't turned $3,000 a year into a $100,000,000, I ask you?

SoBeach July 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm

All Mitt had to do was put $6,000 per year in his IRA every year since 1985.

By 2010 he would have that $100,000,000.

Assuming, of course, he got a 40% return on his money every single year.

Nothing hinky about that. Let's put this nonsense behind us and talk about something Mitt wants to talk about.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yes, like how job creators have to stow their money away and not create jobs.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm

OT, but I shared that SC rape thing on my FB page and one of the folks on my list piped up and said that the centers were just places where women could learn how to squeeze more alimony and child support out of the "bad men".

This made me wonder…since when do rapists have to pay alimony and child support?

emmelemm July 10, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I don't want to live in this world any more.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Stay strong. I would prefer that you hang around and asshole like my acquaintance not live in the world any more.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Wow. Your friend needs a boot in their ass. A spiky steel-toed boot, like Gene Simmons wears onstage.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Agreed (you can see the discussion, I believe…feel free to join in)

Anyway, here's the punchline. The dude's a scientist and when I asked for a source, he declined. I'd ask him if there was a personal connection between him and rape/alimony/child support, but I'm not that mean…

Today

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yeah, I just read that. Your friend is no fucking scientist, if he can't produce some documentation.

Also, ASSHOLE for making a broad generalization. Maybe there are rules for different types of services that could be provided by these clinics, but fuck him in his right ear for thinking that

Now that I've read this, it pisses me off that I won't post on Facebook during work hours. I make the exception for Wonkette, because GOOGLE.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Unfortunately, his is in fact a scientist…a physicist. I know him from when we were in a band together. From what I was able to gather his ex-wife got a generous (aka fair) settlement from the divorce.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It gets better…

"Trust me, the word "crisis" is liberally applied"

Seriously…he put the word crisis from "Rape Crisis" into scare quotes?

I am so teeing up on this asshole.

Jadetiger79 July 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Personal story: yes, rapes with the consequences of unwanted pregnancies happen. I should know because it happened to me. Trust me, little boys like your friend have serious issues with women.

Dashboard Buddha July 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

No doubt…he was once married to a woman that "cleaned him out". If by cleaned out he meant he lived in a nice house, had an extensive guitar collection, and drove a Porsche, then yah…this fucker was just above the poverty line.

Just for the record…he's not my friend. Just a former bandmate.

Chichikovovich July 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The young ruffians out there won't remember this, but I remember a time, long, long ago, when Bill and Hillary Clinton bought some property, and then sold it a little while later for much more than they bought it for. It was obvious that something nefarious must have been afoot! And so the Republicans left no stone unturned, no pumpkin unshot, no insane opinion unproffered, until they could get a massive report, in the end costing untold millions of tax dollars hard working taxpayer dollars which said there had been no wrongdoing in the Whitewater transactions.

So just imagine the furor coming over this one! Right? ….. Right?

PuckStopsHere July 10, 2012 at 1:59 pm

It's all falling into place now: Mitt Romney shot Vince Foster!

Tommy1733 July 10, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Sorry, I am imagining it but my mind is blank.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Its almost like it's a whitewash or something like that…

Blueb4sunrise July 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm

HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Fare la Volpe July 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Wait. That is seriously what the terrifying "Whitewater" scandal was about? Reselling a property at a higher market price? The almighty Clinton Administration was nearly brought to its knees over what they do every week on Flip This House?

For fucking fuck's sake, what the fuck is wrong with this fucking country!?!

prommie July 10, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Well, arguably, the Clintons were cut into the investment as insiders as a way for the developer to buy influence, but then the developer went belly-up anyway so the Clinton's lost money, but the scheme was to try to throw them a piece of the action.

actor212 July 10, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Like Hillary making $100,000 in a year on a cattle deal.

va_real July 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Could she even buy a dressage horse for that pittance?

BerkeleyBear July 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Commodities futures, to be exact – and it was more like a month than a year based on a tip from her adviser (aka why Martha Stewart went to jail)

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Thanks for that bit — for you just gave me reason to re-examine that issue.
I remember some summers ago reading the Vanity Fair exposé and getting quite disgusted with how the Whitewater thing resounded within a number of apparently greed-mongering, power-playing moves the Clintons were capable of. Yet it seems some perspective is called for, albeit many years after the fact~

Generation[redacted] July 10, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Actually they bought land to build and sell summer homes just before the big recession of the late 1970s, when mortgage rates were like 20%. They lost a lot of money on the deal, so it's like investigating the guy who bought Facebook at $42/share.

But one of their business partners was siphoning off money to make up for his own losses, and went to prison. So there's that.

Dumbedup July 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

yeah, or that congressman from Illinois badmouthing the veteran lady, GOP gonna' be all over that shit soon, right, like support the troops and we love the troops and whatnot. Any second now Allen West is gonna'…..

SoBeach July 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm

It's pretty obvious that Bain paid a crapload of Romney's take to an offshore corporation, and then Romney's IRA invested in that corporation.

Christ, even the 15% "carried interest" tax loophole wasn't enough for this guy. He had to find a way to pay 0%.

He'll never release his returns going back to his Bain days. If he did there would truly be peasants with pitchforks at the gates of his mansion.

TootsStansbury July 10, 2012 at 2:01 pm

This asshole won't release his taxes, answer any questions regarding his business dealings, probably won't participate in any debates and people will still vote for him?! Fuckcicle.

Pithaughn July 10, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"at least he's not bl.. uh Obama" straight from my bosses mouth.

mavenmaven July 10, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Because he's not suspicious or hiding anything like the black guy must be.

TootsStansbury July 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Thanks guys/gals! I need to retire. To a nice padded room tor the rest of the day.

Pithaughn July 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Retirement? R U fucking kidding? My retirement plan is to get killed in such a way that in addition to the massive death benefit ( $600k ) my wife and kid can sue someone for a fucktillion dollars. Like most of friends, I'm worth way more dead than alive.

emmelemm July 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm

That's not really such a bad plan.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 10, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I predict many people will be retiring by throwing themselves under Mitt's car wheels.

DahBoner July 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Look forward to hearing about your family on that Friday night crime show…

fuflans July 10, 2012 at 2:13 pm

a great reckoning in a quiet room.

starfanglednut July 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Mitt:

"Well, I uh, errr, uhhh…

Look over there! A black single parent! She's taking your moneez!"

Gleem McShineys July 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's all very easy to explain, people.

We just won't.

QUIET ROOM 2012

prommie July 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

We don't know how the system works, we whouldn't even be allowed to vote.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

What would really be sexy is knowing that Romney's investments were handled by those Madoff and Stanford assholes…

elburritodeluxe July 10, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I'm not voting for Mitt, but I'd love him to be my financial adviser!

va_real July 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Meh! $100 million- that's just horse feed.

Dumbedup July 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

My retirement plan? A dim bar with free peanuts, Hobo Beans and monthly meetings with my "self Dentistry Club" friends (from the bar). Hey, that and a cable subscription and I'm all set.

poorgradstudent July 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm

But the people who say they applied for four jobs when they really only applied for two in a week on their unemployment benefits form are the real parasites and criminals.

DahBoner July 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Those shares in the Mexican Drug Cartel he inherited from his Mexican Papi sure paid off!

THAT COCAINE DON'T IMPORT ITSELF

BZ1 July 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Romney=R:money! (the R is sounded out like a pirate says: Rrrr)

NYNYNYjr July 10, 2012 at 6:38 pm

"I will release all my financial records, very soon."
"When, Mr. Romney?"
"Chip, when will the boys be done fixing all the records and erasing the trail and bribing everyone involved?"
"August"
"Sometime in August I will release them."

Veritas78 July 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

This one's the keeper. Skip the dressage horses, the car elevator in the tear-down house, the Bain lootings, the Swiss and Cayman accounts. This is the story that kills his candidacy.

IRAs were invented as a sop to all us middle-class types whose defined-benefit pensions were being eliminated by (Bain) consultants. Along comes this asshole and he games our sad little retirement vehicle in a way that not a one of us could even imagine. And we all do understand IRAs a little because we'd all like to have them if we could afford to fund them and so forth. He spat in our eye.

Plus, he's such a Richie Rich that the disclosure process will be excruciating and quite revealing of how he regards his wealth, and us.

Baba_NinjaCat12 July 10, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Two words to explain why Mittbot is able to have $100 million in his IRA, "Magic Underwear".

rocktonsam July 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm

today, we all Bobby Sands, to soon?

ttommyunger July 10, 2012 at 11:15 pm

So what? I want to see Obamer's college transcripts Godammit!

gogogodzilla July 10, 2012 at 11:42 pm

There's no mystery here. Romney is simply 17,000 years old. That adds up to $100M.

GunToting[Redacted] July 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Might qualify you for one of Miche1e's farm subsidies!

MumbletyRadio July 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

My IRAdio

Your aptitude for the singular wordplays at your disposal continues to astound me.

full of static

Pardon my B-52's:

"Gettin' nothin' but static;
Gettin' nothin' but static;
Static in my attic
On Channel Z" ♫

Extemporanus July 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Aw shucks, ma'am…you're much too kind. This joint is lousy with singular aptitude.

Truth is, I always feel a little dirty when I whip out too-clever word play, and fight the urge to do so at every turn.

Unfortunately, I'm a punner, not a fighter, so… [<---SEE?!]

ALSO: Roam if you want to — I'd rather sleep through the static.

Isyaignert July 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I'm too damn young to be this old!!

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