SF Weekly’s Crap Archivist may have found his greatest treasure yet: a 1980 Kansas City Royals cookbook, before Ol’ Porkbutt had conquered the world and was still a lowly Royals front office “director of group sales.”
We will let the Crap Archivist talk you through it:
The recipe is a manly one that involves frying in Crisco, wolfing down chicken, and smashing the dickens from saltines — although I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.
But is there more? There is always more. Here is Ol’ Snurfles’ recipe for saccharine-sweetened hot cocoa, which not only sounds absolutely delicious, but after his Crisco Chicken is just like washing down a dozen Krispy Kremes with a diet Coke.
[SFWeekly]
{ 134 comments }
Lard has long been used as a personal lubricant in Wasilla.
When the blubber is still thawing
Gotta remember, though, this was in the year of our lard 1980. Not so much trans-fatty around back then.
Eggs, you are too funny.
He left out the part where you float the Oxycontin on top like tiny marshmallows. That's how Grandma always made it for me.
If only he'd increase his dosage a bit higher.
If given the chance, I'd help him out with that.
What? No Dominican Rentboy Surprise? Rush, you disappoint!
1 tsp bitters cocoa, depends on how much CHOCOLATE you want.
It is inferred.
That was what he meant by "top your chocolate."
Is the surprise gonorrhea?
He's not part of the recipe, he's for smashing your dickens INTO after wolfing down the chicken.
Bet that was all white meat…
Bet his chickens only have a right wing.
Gotta smash the dickens outta the left wing.
I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.
Even as a low-level flunky he was an insufferable dick.
Oh, wait, that was the Crap Archivist speaking. Reading fail.
Limbaugh is still an insufferable dick.
Rush Limbaugh used to be George Costanza?
Except in Kansas, which is not exactly New York.
Well, Missouri, actually. Which is also not New York.
1) The Royals are in Kansas City, Missouri.
2) Fuck New York.
Errrrr, Editrix? Eagle-eyed readers might point out that you have the jpgs reversed in the post.
Not ME, of course, since everyone knows I'm a lowly unworthy…
TIED: Fixed. You may now resume commenting snark and not bother going "D-huh?"
The first ingredient in "carbohydrate free hot chocolate" is heavy cream…which has carbs. Doy.
Yes, but the saturated fat cancels it out.
No one said this man was smart. He is a fat man with a fat brain, that's all.
Isn't there a word for bachelors who contribute to the company recipe book?
So, you know who else was a bachelor and liked ovens?
The Galloping Gourmet?
Julia Child???
Albert Fish?
Felix Unger?
Yep. Self-hating gay, fat guy who has married four beards and gobbles down prescription drugs to bury his pain. Like that, your mean?
Yes, but I swore off calling people fat.
"Confirmed."
See Reilly, Charles Nelson.
Rush Limbaugh's Country Dip
Ingredients
10lb Tub of Crisco
Bowl
Serves 1
Don't forget the low-calorie sweetener. No carbs!
I remember seeing a beer bottle whose label proclaimed it was "Cholesterol Free."
I would hope so!
You left out the entire box of salt. LMAO.
Now that I think about it, you were right to include the bowl in the list of ingredients.
He couldn't make it in "Group Sales" but was a success at peddling right-wing talking points to the trailer parks of this country? …Only in America?
Lard is the tapeworm,
in the bottle of cheap tequila.
That comes alive at night,
And sneaks up and bite our nipples.
Lard.
Lard!
Are tapeworms VHS archivists?
Did a VHS archivist bite your nipples? I got to get me to one of these Meetup thingies.
Great Stuff !!
I'm thinking mash-up: Jello with Hot Chocolate
[below]
I believe in miracles!
I must not fear lard.
Rush is the mind-killer.
Lard is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my lard.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the AM talk radio has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Wow, Rush was disgusting before he was famous — which just goes to show, you should do what you love. And have connected relatives.
Unhealthy, uninspired and bland.
The recipes are shite too.
Who makes fried chicken and only does up the white meat? Asshat needs to try some of the dark meat, legs and thighs, some of the good stuff with the real flavor..
Yeah. Limbaugh ate skinless chicken breast and used artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Gotcha.
1. Fried in Crisco.
2. Sweet N'Low… in heavy cream.
It really is the "I'll have the large Fettucini Alfredo and a Diet Coke."
Rush Limbaugh and Paula Deen should make a fried butter-dipped cheeseball baby.
She wouldn't have to worry about gestational diabetes!
The sugars!!
Dude.. i just threw up in my mouth. How am I gonna get the visual out of my head?
Just imagine the smell of those two girthy creatures beast fucking each other. I imagine the smell of french fries and swamp ass would be unbearable.
Paula told the audience one day that she thought that lard made the best shortening for pie crusts. This was before the diabetes.
How long as Rush been married now? It seems like just yesterday that he and his bride wrote their own vows and then their own prescriptions.
What are wedding vows but self-prescriptions, anyway?
Gee, I'm shocked he got into his current shape on such a healthy balanced diet.
All of the smashed crackers were in the Hamptons this weekend.
Win.
…or Seattle
Can't even use saccharine as an adjective for this guy.
I always use Crisco to fry up aborted fetuses. I'll have to try Lardo's tip about sticking them into (back into?) the oven to "crisp 'em up".
How to store cordblood. For later.
http://secure.stemcyte.com/lp1/?gclid=CKis5dGEjbE…
[wuz ad at Eschaton]
His recipe for "Someone Else's Viagra Surprise":
Ingrd.
3 Dominican boys
1 bottle of Someone Else's Viagra
1 bottle lube
Take Viagra, add lube and boys. Mix until asleep. The surprise comes when you try taking Someone Else's Viagra through airport security …
After the game treat yourself to a cup of melted lard? Dominican Republic underage male hooker semen? Oxycontin smoothie?
"After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" Lard?
"After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" STFU!
This shit is straight out of "Iron Chef Murika" (Viagra is the "Secret Ingredient").
I thought the secret ingredient is HFCS.
Life really sucked before good clipart, didn't it.
Clipart nothing, IBM never made a Comic Sans typeball!
Good clipart? Can there be such a thing??
Using clipart is like using Comic Sans…. there should be a law against it.
I call bullshit. He totally stole these "recipes" from ButtaQueen Deen.
I can't help but wonder what other delicious recipes might be in that cookbook?
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards/czarina.html
Frankfurter Spectacular. Oh yeah.
Heh. Gotta love recipes from the 1970s.
I have cookbooks ranging from late 1950s to the late 1970s that I've collected simply because the recipes are so weird and awful.
I can only imagine what someone would have thought after having had frozen coffee on a stick handed to them at a summer party.
I LOVE that website. Also the Gallery of Regrettable Food by James Lileks (who's a right wing asshole, but his food pics and commentary are hilarious).
You too can eat like an enormous, bloviating asshole.
Rushbo is a classic Crisco, fat in the can.
Rushbo is a classic Crisco; fat in the can.
Hot Chocolate
With this recipe, everyone's a winner.
Is that a Criscotheque ?
Crisco = Fat in a can. Just like Rush.
I want to smash the dickens out butter boy and dip him in gasoline.
I rather doubt an accelerant is needed with Dough Boy. He's an example of spontaneous combustion waiting to happen. If only…………
Yes. A grease fire hardly needs an application of more grease.
Minnesota's US Senator has known that Rush Limbaugh was big and fat (and an idiot) for a long time, now we know how he got so fat. Maybe the Royals made him an idiot?
Nahh, stupid that deep has to come naturally.
The only "Real" recipe from Rushbo would involve bile, bitters and a soupcon of hate.
It's pretty sad that this bloviating goat fuck cannot find anything to make with Velvetta. Shit, that is my favorite industrial-strength cheese. A pound of velvetta, a pound of sausage, some tomatoes and jalapenos and some Durritos dust, and will win the I can sink your tailgate party.
"Rush Limbaugh, group sales."
Still in the same game I see, selling dumb-ass shit to the dumb-ass group.
Nowadays when Rush needs Crisco, he just squeezes on one of his tits until it comes out.
I was eating breakfast, you sick puppy.
I wasn't eating breakfast, but may never eat again. Though, I could stand to lose a few…….
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Urgh! Ick! Omergawd NO! Just no! I can't…! Fuuu…! *vomits, has a Tonic-clonic seizure, and passes out*
I'm sure Rushbo has smashed a few dicks…
…what, this story is about something else?
Smash the Dicken's out of them? What? He's afraid of the classics too?
Please, sir, may I have so'mores?
Exactly. typical Rush. What's wrong with 'Smash the Whitman out of them', or 'Smash the Safran Foer' out of them'?
Hey Rush, why not treat yourself to a cup of shut the fuck up?
In Rush's defense, the team was really good back when he used to sell advertising for them. Not that one has anything to do with the other, but that's never stopped him from giving himself credit for something before.
He slathers his 10-year-old Dominican pool boys in a tasty mixture of Crisco and flour.
RepubliKKKgoon white supremacist makes the bread crumbs for his white meat chicken from—crackers. How rich is that? LMAO. You couldn't make that up.
Crackers are good breadcrumbs.
Obviously Rush is obsessed about not gaining weight.
Here's the recipe for what's for dinner tonight at Rush's house: Oxycontin (smash the dickens out of them).
I will always regret that we can't have time machines or time travel. Though, if we could I have ONE HELL of a list of "chores" to accomplish in the past.
Wait a minute. I am 6 feet tall, weigh 165-170, eat healthy, watch my alcohol intake and the doctors are begging me to have quadruple bypass surgery like real soon. This tub of shit shovels it in, tops it off with a dangerous and addictive narcotic and… oh never mind.
It's just not fair. Damn.
BTW: BOO!!
I keeed. I keeed.
I believe that can be summed up with the phrase: Only the good die young. Also: Life isn't fair.
(In seriousness, I am sure you are good and I hope you live a long, long time.)
I'm looking forward to the day, coming soon I suspect, when El Porko will die of a heart attack when he will be rendered into a toxic lard and used to grease the GOP machine for 10 more years.
Oh chicken! I thought it said "kittens".
I hear he plagiarized his recipes from Elizabeth Warren.
Actually folks, lard is WAY healthier than hydrogenated, unmetabolizable Crisco. Which, by the way, was created to be a degreaser, not a food. Its manufacturers then mounted a massive campaign to discredit lard. Which you nimbos are still buying in to! Nyah nyah.
Smash the Dickens out of crackers??? Reverse Racist!!!
Wait, so Rush Limbaugh's "specialty" involves:
White meat.
Milk.
Egg whites.
Crackers.
Color me surprised.
Sounds positively Norwegian. It's where they bleach their fish.
Lutefisk libel!!!
No, wait, it's impossible to libel lutefisk.
Never mind.
Drudge Sirens!
Popular radio host advocates "smashing the dickens" out of "crackers", in Obama's America.
Win.
Move proof the internet is poorly maintained. One must sweep, with a hard bristle brush, into the corners or these dregs get tracked out on to the carpet.
He's got an Oxycontin jones, he's got an Oxycontin jones. He can make a hookshot with his ass boil, he'll go one on one with the world.
"Whip remaining cream, add sweetener, and top your chocolate."
But there is no remaining cream. I read the recipe twice and it said to mix everything except the sweetener. Wait, does that mean you have to make more cream? Aww, gross, Rush!
Is "boned" and "filleted" two different things? Or is that like saying "stupid Rush Limbaugh"?
To be fair, this was well before Rush became a multi-gazillianaire and Crisco was cheap and handy, since he sweats about five pounds of it a day.
Lardy mercy!
"Smash the dickens out of them" is the new culinary school method.
And after the hot chocolate treat yourself to a fistful of:
lime jello powder mix from the barrel.
If it sticks in your throat grease up your mouth with:
2 cups of warm Crisco. After that you'll probably be feeling like some good old-fashioned
CREAM CHEESE TOM COLLINS COCKTAILS
Kramp TV Kitchen presents Fourth of July Heritage Loaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6vJYyYrRps
MMMMMM!! Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening!
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