and we thought the secret was lardSF Weekly’s Crap Archivist may have found his greatest treasure yet: a 1980 Kansas City Royals cookbook, before Ol’ Porkbutt had conquered the world and was still a lowly Royals front office “director of group sales.”

We will let the Crap Archivist talk you through it:

The recipe is a manly one that involves frying in Crisco, wolfing down chicken, and smashing the dickens from saltines — although I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.

But is there more? There is always more. Here is Ol’ Snurfles’ recipe for saccharine-sweetened hot cocoa, which not only sounds absolutely delicious, but after his Crisco Chicken is just like washing down a dozen Krispy Kremes with a diet Coke.



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  • Barb

    Lard has long been used as a personal lubricant in Wasilla.

    • When the blubber is still thawing

    • eggsacklywright

      Gotta remember, though, this was in the year of our lard 1980. Not so much trans-fatty around back then.

      • Barb

        Eggs, you are too funny.

  • MissTaken

    He left out the part where you float the Oxycontin on top like tiny marshmallows. That's how Grandma always made it for me.

    • SorosBot

      If only he'd increase his dosage a bit higher.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        If given the chance, I'd help him out with that.

  • elviouslyqueer

    What? No Dominican Rentboy Surprise? Rush, you disappoint!

    • WunkRocker

      1 tsp bitters cocoa, depends on how much CHOCOLATE you want.
      It is inferred.

    • IncenseDebate

      That was what he meant by "top your chocolate."

    • mookwrthwilson

      Is the surprise gonorrhea?

    • teebob2000

      He's not part of the recipe, he's for smashing your dickens INTO after wolfing down the chicken.

  • Bet that was all white meat…

    • rickmaci

      Bet his chickens only have a right wing.

      • va_real

        Gotta smash the dickens outta the left wing.

  • el_donaldo

    I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.

    Even as a low-level flunky he was an insufferable dick.

    • el_donaldo

      Oh, wait, that was the Crap Archivist speaking. Reading fail.

      Limbaugh is still an insufferable dick.

  • not that Radio

    Rush Limbaugh used to be George Costanza?

    • calliecallie

      Except in Kansas, which is not exactly New York.

      • not that Radio

        Well, Missouri, actually. Which is also not New York.

      • BarackMyWorld

        1) The Royals are in Kansas City, Missouri.
        2) Fuck New York.

  • Errrrr, Editrix? Eagle-eyed readers might point out that you have the jpgs reversed in the post.

    Not ME, of course, since everyone knows I'm a lowly unworthy…

    TIED: Fixed. You may now resume commenting snark and not bother going "D-huh?"

  • DaveJ

    The first ingredient in "carbohydrate free hot chocolate" is heavy cream…which has carbs. Doy.

    • Guppy

      Yes, but the saturated fat cancels it out.

    • miss_grundy

      No one said this man was smart. He is a fat man with a fat brain, that's all.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Isn't there a word for bachelors who contribute to the company recipe book?

    • So, you know who else was a bachelor and liked ovens?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        The Galloping Gourmet?

      • sharethegrief

        Julia Child???

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Albert Fish?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Felix Unger?

    • freakishlywrong

      Yep. Self-hating gay, fat guy who has married four beards and gobbles down prescription drugs to bury his pain. Like that, your mean?

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Yes, but I swore off calling people fat.

    • teebob2000


      See Reilly, Charles Nelson.

  • Rush Limbaugh's Country Dip
    10lb Tub of Crisco

    Serves 1

    • Generation[redacted]

      Don't forget the low-calorie sweetener. No carbs!

      • I remember seeing a beer bottle whose label proclaimed it was "Cholesterol Free."

        I would hope so!

    • 12X34X

      You left out the entire box of salt. LMAO.

    • trondant

      Now that I think about it, you were right to include the bowl in the list of ingredients.

  • Antispandex

    He couldn't make it in "Group Sales" but was a success at peddling right-wing talking points to the trailer parks of this country? …Only in America?

  • not that Radio

    Lard is the tapeworm,
    in the bottle of cheap tequila.
    That comes alive at night,
    And sneaks up and bite our nipples.


    • Are tapeworms VHS archivists?

      • not that Radio

        Did a VHS archivist bite your nipples? I got to get me to one of these Meetup thingies.

    • Great Stuff !!
      I'm thinking mash-up: Jello with Hot Chocolate


      • not that Radio

        I believe in miracles!

    • I must not fear lard.
      Rush is the mind-killer.
      Lard is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
      I will face my lard.
      I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
      And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
      Where the AM talk radio has gone there will be nothing.
      Only I will remain.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, Rush was disgusting before he was famous — which just goes to show, you should do what you love. And have connected relatives.

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Unhealthy, uninspired and bland.

    The recipes are shite too.

    • rickmaci

      Who makes fried chicken and only does up the white meat? Asshat needs to try some of the dark meat, legs and thighs, some of the good stuff with the real flavor..

  • SoBeach

    Yeah. Limbaugh ate skinless chicken breast and used artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Gotcha.

    • emmelemm

      1. Fried in Crisco.

      2. Sweet N'Low… in heavy cream.

      It really is the "I'll have the large Fettucini Alfredo and a Diet Coke."

  • ElPinche

    Rush Limbaugh and Paula Deen should make a fried butter-dipped cheeseball baby.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      She wouldn't have to worry about gestational diabetes!

      • ElPinche

        The sugars!!

    • Dude.. i just threw up in my mouth. How am I gonna get the visual out of my head?

      • ElPinche

        Just imagine the smell of those two girthy creatures beast fucking each other. I imagine the smell of french fries and swamp ass would be unbearable.

    • BenGleck

      Paula told the audience one day that she thought that lard made the best shortening for pie crusts. This was before the diabetes.

  • Barb

    How long as Rush been married now? It seems like just yesterday that he and his bride wrote their own vows and then their own prescriptions.

    • johnnymeatworth

      What are wedding vows but self-prescriptions, anyway?

  • SorosBot

    Gee, I'm shocked he got into his current shape on such a healthy balanced diet.

  • sharethegrief

    All of the smashed crackers were in the Hamptons this weekend.

    • SoBeach


    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      …or Seattle

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Can't even use saccharine as an adjective for this guy.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I always use Crisco to fry up aborted fetuses. I'll have to try Lardo's tip about sticking them into (back into?) the oven to "crisp 'em up".

  • UnholyMoses

    His recipe for "Someone Else's Viagra Surprise":

    3 Dominican boys
    1 bottle of Someone Else's Viagra
    1 bottle lube

    Take Viagra, add lube and boys. Mix until asleep. The surprise comes when you try taking Someone Else's Viagra through airport security …

  • ElPinche

    After the game treat yourself to a cup of melted lard? Dominican Republic underage male hooker semen? Oxycontin smoothie?

  • BlueStateLibel

    "After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" Lard?

    • OneDollarJuana

      "After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" STFU!

  • This shit is straight out of "Iron Chef Murika" (Viagra is the "Secret Ingredient").

    • Guppy

      I thought the secret ingredient is HFCS.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Life really sucked before good clipart, didn't it.

    • Guppy

      Clipart nothing, IBM never made a Comic Sans typeball!

    • sewollef

      Good clipart? Can there be such a thing??

      Using clipart is like using Comic Sans…. there should be a law against it.

  • I call bullshit. He totally stole these "recipes" from ButtaQueen Deen.

  • calliecallie

    I can't help but wonder what other delicious recipes might be in that cookbook?

    • viennawoods13

      Frankfurter Spectacular. Oh yeah.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Heh. Gotta love recipes from the 1970s.
      I have cookbooks ranging from late 1950s to the late 1970s that I've collected simply because the recipes are so weird and awful.
      I can only imagine what someone would have thought after having had frozen coffee on a stick handed to them at a summer party.

    • thebeatgoeson

      I LOVE that website. Also the Gallery of Regrettable Food by James Lileks (who's a right wing asshole, but his food pics and commentary are hilarious).

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    You too can eat like an enormous, bloviating asshole.

  • Rushbo is a classic Crisco, fat in the can.

  • Rushbo is a classic Crisco; fat in the can.

  • Crisco = Fat in a can. Just like Rush.

  • smashedinhat

    I want to smash the dickens out butter boy and dip him in gasoline.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I rather doubt an accelerant is needed with Dough Boy. He's an example of spontaneous combustion waiting to happen. If only…………

      • smashedinhat

        Yes. A grease fire hardly needs an application of more grease.

  • Come here a minute

    Minnesota's US Senator has known that Rush Limbaugh was big and fat (and an idiot) for a long time, now we know how he got so fat. Maybe the Royals made him an idiot?

    • Nahh, stupid that deep has to come naturally.

  • freakishlywrong

    The only "Real" recipe from Rushbo would involve bile, bitters and a soupcon of hate.

  • fartknocker

    It's pretty sad that this bloviating goat fuck cannot find anything to make with Velvetta. Shit, that is my favorite industrial-strength cheese. A pound of velvetta, a pound of sausage, some tomatoes and jalapenos and some Durritos dust, and will win the I can sink your tailgate party.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "Rush Limbaugh, group sales."

    Still in the same game I see, selling dumb-ass shit to the dumb-ass group.

  • Estproph

    Nowadays when Rush needs Crisco, he just squeezes on one of his tits until it comes out.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I was eating breakfast, you sick puppy.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I wasn't eating breakfast, but may never eat again. Though, I could stand to lose a few…….

    • teebob2000

      I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Urgh! Ick! Omergawd NO! Just no! I can't…! Fuuu…! *vomits, has a Tonic-clonic seizure, and passes out*

  • Callyson

    I'm sure Rushbo has smashed a few dicks…

    …what, this story is about something else?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Smash the Dicken's out of them? What? He's afraid of the classics too?

    • eggsacklywright

      Please, sir, may I have so'mores?

    • sewollef

      Exactly. typical Rush. What's wrong with 'Smash the Whitman out of them', or 'Smash the Safran Foer' out of them'?

  • TootsStansbury

    Hey Rush, why not treat yourself to a cup of shut the fuck up?

  • BarackMyWorld

    In Rush's defense, the team was really good back when he used to sell advertising for them. Not that one has anything to do with the other, but that's never stopped him from giving himself credit for something before.

  • Manhattan123

    He slathers his 10-year-old Dominican pool boys in a tasty mixture of Crisco and flour.

  • rickmaci

    RepubliKKKgoon white supremacist makes the bread crumbs for his white meat chicken from—crackers. How rich is that? LMAO. You couldn't make that up.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Crackers are good breadcrumbs.

  • Obviously Rush is obsessed about not gaining weight.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Here's the recipe for what's for dinner tonight at Rush's house: Oxycontin (smash the dickens out of them).

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I will always regret that we can't have time machines or time travel. Though, if we could I have ONE HELL of a list of "chores" to accomplish in the past.

  • bflrtsplk

    Wait a minute. I am 6 feet tall, weigh 165-170, eat healthy, watch my alcohol intake and the doctors are begging me to have quadruple bypass surgery like real soon. This tub of shit shovels it in, tops it off with a dangerous and addictive narcotic and… oh never mind.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It's just not fair. Damn.

      BTW: BOO!!

      I keeed. I keeed.

    • emmelemm

      I believe that can be summed up with the phrase: Only the good die young. Also: Life isn't fair.

      (In seriousness, I am sure you are good and I hope you live a long, long time.)

  • Ducksworthy

    I'm looking forward to the day, coming soon I suspect, when El Porko will die of a heart attack when he will be rendered into a toxic lard and used to grease the GOP machine for 10 more years.

  • TootsStansbury

    Oh chicken! I thought it said "kittens".

  • I hear he plagiarized his recipes from Elizabeth Warren.

  • Woodshedding

    Actually folks, lard is WAY healthier than hydrogenated, unmetabolizable Crisco. Which, by the way, was created to be a degreaser, not a food. Its manufacturers then mounted a massive campaign to discredit lard. Which you nimbos are still buying in to! Nyah nyah.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Smash the Dickens out of crackers??? Reverse Racist!!!

  • Wait, so Rush Limbaugh's "specialty" involves:

    White meat.
    Egg whites.

    Color me surprised.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Sounds positively Norwegian. It's where they bleach their fish.

      • bobbert

        Lutefisk libel!!!

        No, wait, it's impossible to libel lutefisk.

        Never mind.

  • Drudge Sirens!

    Popular radio host advocates "smashing the dickens" out of "crackers", in Obama's America.

    • bobbert


  • James Michael Curley

    Move proof the internet is poorly maintained. One must sweep, with a hard bristle brush, into the corners or these dregs get tracked out on to the carpet.

  • stncmchnc

    He's got an Oxycontin jones, he's got an Oxycontin jones. He can make a hookshot with his ass boil, he'll go one on one with the world.

  • sezme

    "Whip remaining cream, add sweetener, and top your chocolate."
    But there is no remaining cream. I read the recipe twice and it said to mix everything except the sweetener. Wait, does that mean you have to make more cream? Aww, gross, Rush!

  • larrykat

    Is "boned" and "filleted" two different things? Or is that like saying "stupid Rush Limbaugh"?

  • ttommyunger

    To be fair, this was well before Rush became a multi-gazillianaire and Crisco was cheap and handy, since he sweats about five pounds of it a day.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    Lardy mercy!

  • BenGleck

    "Smash the dickens out of them" is the new culinary school method.

  • NYNYNYjr

    And after the hot chocolate treat yourself to a fistful of:

    lime jello powder mix from the barrel.

    If it sticks in your throat grease up your mouth with:

    2 cups of warm Crisco. After that you'll probably be feeling like some good old-fashioned


  • thebeatgoeson

    Kramp TV Kitchen presents Fourth of July Heritage Loaf
    MMMMMM!! Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening!

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