SWEET & LOW  12:15 pm July 9, 2012

Everything’s Better With Crisco: Real Recipes From Rush Limbaugh

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

and we thought the secret was lardSF Weekly’s Crap Archivist may have found his greatest treasure yet: a 1980 Kansas City Royals cookbook, before Ol’ Porkbutt had conquered the world and was still a lowly Royals front office “director of group sales.”

We will let the Crap Archivist talk you through it:

The recipe is a manly one that involves frying in Crisco, wolfing down chicken, and smashing the dickens from saltines — although I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.

But is there more? There is always more. Here is Ol’ Snurfles’ recipe for saccharine-sweetened hot cocoa, which not only sounds absolutely delicious, but after his Crisco Chicken is just like washing down a dozen Krispy Kremes with a diet Coke.

yum!

[SFWeekly]

 
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{ 134 comments }

Barb July 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Lard has long been used as a personal lubricant in Wasilla.

actor212 July 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

When the blubber is still thawing

eggsacklywright July 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Gotta remember, though, this was in the year of our lard 1980. Not so much trans-fatty around back then.

Barb July 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Eggs, you are too funny.

MissTaken July 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

He left out the part where you float the Oxycontin on top like tiny marshmallows. That's how Grandma always made it for me.

SorosBot July 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

If only he'd increase his dosage a bit higher.

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

If given the chance, I'd help him out with that.

elviouslyqueer July 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

What? No Dominican Rentboy Surprise? Rush, you disappoint!

WunkRocker July 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

1 tsp bitters cocoa, depends on how much CHOCOLATE you want.
It is inferred.

IncenseDebate July 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

That was what he meant by "top your chocolate."

mookwrthwilson July 9, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Is the surprise gonorrhea?

teebob2000 July 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

He's not part of the recipe, he's for smashing your dickens INTO after wolfing down the chicken.

actor212 July 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Bet that was all white meat…

rickmaci July 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Bet his chickens only have a right wing.

va_real July 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Gotta smash the dickens outta the left wing.

el_donaldo July 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I can’t let the opportunity pass to point out that with greater regulations and a stronger FDA Americans might not have dickens in their crackers to begin with.

Even as a low-level flunky he was an insufferable dick.

el_donaldo July 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Oh, wait, that was the Crap Archivist speaking. Reading fail.

Limbaugh is still an insufferable dick.

not that Radio July 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Rush Limbaugh used to be George Costanza?

calliecallie July 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Except in Kansas, which is not exactly New York.

not that Radio July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Well, Missouri, actually. Which is also not New York.

BarackMyWorld July 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

1) The Royals are in Kansas City, Missouri.
2) Fuck New York.

actor212 July 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Errrrr, Editrix? Eagle-eyed readers might point out that you have the jpgs reversed in the post.

Not ME, of course, since everyone knows I'm a lowly unworthy…

TIED: Fixed. You may now resume commenting snark and not bother going "D-huh?"

DaveJ July 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

The first ingredient in "carbohydrate free hot chocolate" is heavy cream…which has carbs. Doy.

Guppy July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Yes, but the saturated fat cancels it out.

miss_grundy July 10, 2012 at 12:39 am

No one said this man was smart. He is a fat man with a fat brain, that's all.

ChernobylSoup July 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Isn't there a word for bachelors who contribute to the company recipe book?

actor212 July 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

So, you know who else was a bachelor and liked ovens?

Lascauxcaveman July 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The Galloping Gourmet?

sharethegrief July 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Julia Child???

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Albert Fish?

Generation[redacted] July 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Felix Unger?

freakishlywrong July 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Yep. Self-hating gay, fat guy who has married four beards and gobbles down prescription drugs to bury his pain. Like that, your mean?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Yes, but I swore off calling people fat.

teebob2000 July 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm

"Confirmed."

See Reilly, Charles Nelson.

ManchuCandidate July 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Rush Limbaugh's Country Dip
Ingredients
10lb Tub of Crisco
Bowl

Serves 1

Generation[redacted] July 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Don't forget the low-calorie sweetener. No carbs!

Doktor Zoom July 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I remember seeing a beer bottle whose label proclaimed it was "Cholesterol Free."

I would hope so!

12X34X July 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

You left out the entire box of salt. LMAO.

trondant July 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Now that I think about it, you were right to include the bowl in the list of ingredients.

Antispandex July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

He couldn't make it in "Group Sales" but was a success at peddling right-wing talking points to the trailer parks of this country? …Only in America?

not that Radio July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Lard is the tapeworm,
in the bottle of cheap tequila.
That comes alive at night,
And sneaks up and bite our nipples.

Lard.
Lard!

weejee July 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Are tapeworms VHS archivists?

not that Radio July 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Did a VHS archivist bite your nipples? I got to get me to one of these Meetup thingies.

Blueb4sunrise July 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Great Stuff !!
I'm thinking mash-up: Jello with Hot Chocolate

[below]

not that Radio July 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I believe in miracles!

Doktor Zoom July 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I must not fear lard.
Rush is the mind-killer.
Lard is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my lard.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the AM talk radio has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

SayItWithWookies July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Wow, Rush was disgusting before he was famous — which just goes to show, you should do what you love. And have connected relatives.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Unhealthy, uninspired and bland.

The recipes are shite too.

rickmaci July 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Who makes fried chicken and only does up the white meat? Asshat needs to try some of the dark meat, legs and thighs, some of the good stuff with the real flavor..

SoBeach July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yeah. Limbaugh ate skinless chicken breast and used artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Gotcha.

emmelemm July 9, 2012 at 2:37 pm

1. Fried in Crisco.

2. Sweet N'Low… in heavy cream.

It really is the "I'll have the large Fettucini Alfredo and a Diet Coke."

ElPinche July 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Rush Limbaugh and Paula Deen should make a fried butter-dipped cheeseball baby.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

She wouldn't have to worry about gestational diabetes!

ElPinche July 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The sugars!!

Clancy_Pants July 9, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Dude.. i just threw up in my mouth. How am I gonna get the visual out of my head?

ElPinche July 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Just imagine the smell of those two girthy creatures beast fucking each other. I imagine the smell of french fries and swamp ass would be unbearable.

BenGleck July 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Paula told the audience one day that she thought that lard made the best shortening for pie crusts. This was before the diabetes.

Barb July 9, 2012 at 12:25 pm

How long as Rush been married now? It seems like just yesterday that he and his bride wrote their own vows and then their own prescriptions.

johnnymeatworth July 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

What are wedding vows but self-prescriptions, anyway?

SorosBot July 9, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Gee, I'm shocked he got into his current shape on such a healthy balanced diet.

sharethegrief July 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

All of the smashed crackers were in the Hamptons this weekend.

SoBeach July 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Win.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

…or Seattle

NorthStarSpanx July 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Can't even use saccharine as an adjective for this guy.

OkieDokieDog July 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I always use Crisco to fry up aborted fetuses. I'll have to try Lardo's tip about sticking them into (back into?) the oven to "crisp 'em up".

Blueb4sunrise July 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

How to store cordblood. For later.
http://secure.stemcyte.com/lp1/?gclid=CKis5dGEjbE

[wuz ad at Eschaton]

UnholyMoses July 9, 2012 at 12:28 pm

His recipe for "Someone Else's Viagra Surprise":

Ingrd.
3 Dominican boys
1 bottle of Someone Else's Viagra
1 bottle lube

Take Viagra, add lube and boys. Mix until asleep. The surprise comes when you try taking Someone Else's Viagra through airport security …

ElPinche July 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

After the game treat yourself to a cup of melted lard? Dominican Republic underage male hooker semen? Oxycontin smoothie?

BlueStateLibel July 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" Lard?

OneDollarJuana July 9, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"After the game treat yourself to a cup of …" STFU!

Chill_Bill July 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm

This shit is straight out of "Iron Chef Murika" (Viagra is the "Secret Ingredient").

Guppy July 9, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I thought the secret ingredient is HFCS.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Life really sucked before good clipart, didn't it.

Guppy July 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Clipart nothing, IBM never made a Comic Sans typeball!

sewollef July 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Good clipart? Can there be such a thing??

Using clipart is like using Comic Sans…. there should be a law against it.

Hammiepants July 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I call bullshit. He totally stole these "recipes" from ButtaQueen Deen.

calliecallie July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I can't help but wonder what other delicious recipes might be in that cookbook?
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards/czarina.html

viennawoods13 July 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Frankfurter Spectacular. Oh yeah.

Butch_Wagstaff July 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Heh. Gotta love recipes from the 1970s.
I have cookbooks ranging from late 1950s to the late 1970s that I've collected simply because the recipes are so weird and awful.
I can only imagine what someone would have thought after having had frozen coffee on a stick handed to them at a summer party.

thebeatgoeson July 9, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I LOVE that website. Also the Gallery of Regrettable Food by James Lileks (who's a right wing asshole, but his food pics and commentary are hilarious).

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

You too can eat like an enormous, bloviating asshole.

weejee July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Rushbo is a classic Crisco, fat in the can.

weejee July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Rushbo is a classic Crisco; fat in the can.

Blueb4sunrise July 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm
BarackMyWorld July 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

With this recipe, everyone's a winner.

Blueb4sunrise July 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Is that a Criscotheque ?

Chow Yun Flat July 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Crisco = Fat in a can. Just like Rush.

smashedinhat July 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I want to smash the dickens out butter boy and dip him in gasoline.

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I rather doubt an accelerant is needed with Dough Boy. He's an example of spontaneous combustion waiting to happen. If only…………

smashedinhat July 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yes. A grease fire hardly needs an application of more grease.

Come here a minute July 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Minnesota's US Senator has known that Rush Limbaugh was big and fat (and an idiot) for a long time, now we know how he got so fat. Maybe the Royals made him an idiot?

Doktor Zoom July 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Nahh, stupid that deep has to come naturally.

freakishlywrong July 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The only "Real" recipe from Rushbo would involve bile, bitters and a soupcon of hate.

fartknocker July 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

It's pretty sad that this bloviating goat fuck cannot find anything to make with Velvetta. Shit, that is my favorite industrial-strength cheese. A pound of velvetta, a pound of sausage, some tomatoes and jalapenos and some Durritos dust, and will win the I can sink your tailgate party.

Mittens Howell, III July 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"Rush Limbaugh, group sales."

Still in the same game I see, selling dumb-ass shit to the dumb-ass group.

Estproph July 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Nowadays when Rush needs Crisco, he just squeezes on one of his tits until it comes out.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I was eating breakfast, you sick puppy.

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I wasn't eating breakfast, but may never eat again. Though, I could stand to lose a few…….

teebob2000 July 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Butch_Wagstaff July 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Urgh! Ick! Omergawd NO! Just no! I can't…! Fuuu…! *vomits, has a Tonic-clonic seizure, and passes out*

Callyson July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I'm sure Rushbo has smashed a few dicks…

…what, this story is about something else?

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Smash the Dicken's out of them? What? He's afraid of the classics too?

eggsacklywright July 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Please, sir, may I have so'mores?

sewollef July 9, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Exactly. typical Rush. What's wrong with 'Smash the Whitman out of them', or 'Smash the Safran Foer' out of them'?

TootsStansbury July 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Hey Rush, why not treat yourself to a cup of shut the fuck up?

BarackMyWorld July 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

In Rush's defense, the team was really good back when he used to sell advertising for them. Not that one has anything to do with the other, but that's never stopped him from giving himself credit for something before.

Manhattan123 July 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

He slathers his 10-year-old Dominican pool boys in a tasty mixture of Crisco and flour.

rickmaci July 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm

RepubliKKKgoon white supremacist makes the bread crumbs for his white meat chicken from—crackers. How rich is that? LMAO. You couldn't make that up.

NYNYNYjr July 9, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Crackers are good breadcrumbs.

mrblifil July 9, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Obviously Rush is obsessed about not gaining weight.

PuckStopsHere July 9, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Here's the recipe for what's for dinner tonight at Rush's house: Oxycontin (smash the dickens out of them).

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I will always regret that we can't have time machines or time travel. Though, if we could I have ONE HELL of a list of "chores" to accomplish in the past.

bflrtsplk July 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Wait a minute. I am 6 feet tall, weigh 165-170, eat healthy, watch my alcohol intake and the doctors are begging me to have quadruple bypass surgery like real soon. This tub of shit shovels it in, tops it off with a dangerous and addictive narcotic and… oh never mind.

Jus_Wonderin July 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

It's just not fair. Damn.

BTW: BOO!!

I keeed. I keeed.

emmelemm July 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I believe that can be summed up with the phrase: Only the good die young. Also: Life isn't fair.

(In seriousness, I am sure you are good and I hope you live a long, long time.)

Ducksworthy July 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I'm looking forward to the day, coming soon I suspect, when El Porko will die of a heart attack when he will be rendered into a toxic lard and used to grease the GOP machine for 10 more years.

TootsStansbury July 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Oh chicken! I thought it said "kittens".

Doktor Zoom July 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I hear he plagiarized his recipes from Elizabeth Warren.

Woodshedding July 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Actually folks, lard is WAY healthier than hydrogenated, unmetabolizable Crisco. Which, by the way, was created to be a degreaser, not a food. Its manufacturers then mounted a massive campaign to discredit lard. Which you nimbos are still buying in to! Nyah nyah.

Mittens Howell, III July 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Smash the Dickens out of crackers??? Reverse Racist!!!

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Wait, so Rush Limbaugh's "specialty" involves:

White meat.
Milk.
Egg whites.
Crackers.

Color me surprised.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Sounds positively Norwegian. It's where they bleach their fish.

bobbert July 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Lutefisk libel!!!

No, wait, it's impossible to libel lutefisk.

Never mind.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Drudge Sirens!

Popular radio host advocates "smashing the dickens" out of "crackers", in Obama's America.

bobbert July 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Win.

James Michael Curley July 9, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Move proof the internet is poorly maintained. One must sweep, with a hard bristle brush, into the corners or these dregs get tracked out on to the carpet.

stncmchnc July 9, 2012 at 2:00 pm

He's got an Oxycontin jones, he's got an Oxycontin jones. He can make a hookshot with his ass boil, he'll go one on one with the world.

sezme July 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm

"Whip remaining cream, add sweetener, and top your chocolate."
But there is no remaining cream. I read the recipe twice and it said to mix everything except the sweetener. Wait, does that mean you have to make more cream? Aww, gross, Rush!

larrykat July 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Is "boned" and "filleted" two different things? Or is that like saying "stupid Rush Limbaugh"?

ttommyunger July 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

To be fair, this was well before Rush became a multi-gazillianaire and Crisco was cheap and handy, since he sweats about five pounds of it a day.

Butch_Wagstaff July 9, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Lardy mercy!

BenGleck July 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

"Smash the dickens out of them" is the new culinary school method.

NYNYNYjr July 9, 2012 at 10:46 pm

And after the hot chocolate treat yourself to a fistful of:

lime jello powder mix from the barrel.

If it sticks in your throat grease up your mouth with:

2 cups of warm Crisco. After that you'll probably be feeling like some good old-fashioned

CREAM CHEESE TOM COLLINS COCKTAILS

thebeatgoeson July 10, 2012 at 12:09 am

Kramp TV Kitchen presents Fourth of July Heritage Loaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6vJYyYrRps
MMMMMM!! Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening!

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