you can't fire me i quit

The Totally True And 100 Percent Not Fictional Resignation Letter Of Rep. Thad McCotter, For Real

Who?You guys, we are starting to worry about former vanity presidential candidate and guy currently working from the Third Street Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf just like every other pilot-shopper, Michigan Congressman Thad McCotter. He resigned from the US House last night following “a nightmarish month” and his letter is just, how to say, Holy Cow? It is flowery and high-flown. It rends its Clothes and tears its Hair. It sweeps grandly forth into the Future while shaking its Fist at the Deceivers of the Past. For it has suffered Calumnies and Indignities, and probably merciless Savages also too! It is, ladies and gentlemen, the final missive of Rep. Thad McCotter.

“Today I have resigned from the office of United States Representative for Michigan’s 11th Congressional District.

After nearly 26 years in elected office, this past nightmarish month and a half have, for the first time, severed the necessary harmony between the needs of my constituency and of my family. As this harmony is required to serve, its absence requires I leave.

The recent event’s totality of calumnies, indignities and deceits have weighed most heavily upon my family. Thus, acutely aware one cannot rebuild their hearth of home amongst the ruins of their U.S. House office, for the sake of my loved ones I must “strike another match, go start anew” by embracing the promotion back from public servant to sovereign citizen.

I do not leave for an existing job and face diminishing prospects (and am both unwilling and ill-suited to lobby), my priorities are twofold: find gainful employment to help provide for my family; and continue to assist, in any way they see fit, the Michigan Attorney General’s earnest and thorough investigation, which I requested, into the 2012 petition filing.

While our family takes this step into the rest of our lives, we do so with the ultimate confidence in our country’s future. True, as at other times in the life of our nation, we live in an Age of Extremes that prizes intensity over sanity; rhetoric over reality; and destruction over creation. But this too shall pass, thanks to the infinite, inspired wisdom of the sovereign people who, with God’s continued blessings, will again affirm for the generations American Exceptionalism.

Truly, it is a challenging and fortunate time to live in our blessed sanctuary of liberty.

In closing, to The People of Michigan’s 11th Congressional District, I can but say this: Thank you for the privilege of having worked for you.”

~ Thaddeus G. McCotter

Can we now say, for the record, that we would very much like to read his pilot script, and we really really hope that he does indeed talk like Niles Crane, but foppier? We would definitely do at least one and a half recaps of that.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. Chichikovovich

      The reference to "helping" the Atty. General with the investigation Mccotter "requested" gives a bit of a hint. Briefly, it turned out that some huge number – i.e. almost all – of the piddling number of signatures he needed to get on the ballot for the primary were forged. Cut and pasted from earlier petitions. This doesn't count as election fraud, of course, hence no 24/7 Fox drumbeat, because IOKIYAR.

      So, can't be reelected except as a write-in, which is harder if you're under investigation for criminal stupidity. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer to begin with. Why not just pack it in right now? Thinks Thad.

      Don't feel sorry for him, though, since he's as deranged a Republican theocrat as they come.

      1. Barb

        Thanks for the information, Chic.
        Are we wagering on what company he will become a lobbyist for?

        1. Chichikovovich

          I think he may actually have some trouble. Being disgraced, under investigation and bone stupid is no impediment to a successful career as an influence peddler/Fox blatherer, as Tom Delay showed, but you need to combine the bone stupidity with low, peasant cunning of Rasputin calibre. McCotter is just kind of a dumb loser.—

      2. ProgressiveInga

        "So, can't be reelected except as a write-in, which is harder if you're under investigation for criminal stupidity"

        Not to mention how difficult it would be for republican Meeshiganders to write in "Thaddeus McCrumpelstein"!

    2. miss_grundy

      This is the guy whose staff submitted the electoral petition for the August primary that had about 86% invalid signatures. It seemed his staff culled signatures from previous petitions and copied them 3 to 4 times. So most of the signatures were thrown out and the Michigan attorney general is investigating the matter. The 11th congressional district was thought to be a "safe" Republican seat. Thanks to the McCotter crack-up, it is now up for grabs. I would like to see a Democrat win it but there is a Republican Tea-Tard running and the dufuses in the district may vote that idiot in.

      1. Negropolis

        If long-shot writ-in Nancy Cassis somehow topples the reindeer farmer, I'd say this turns back into a "lean Republican". If the reindeer farmer pulls this off – and he may very well just being the only name on the Republican primary ballot – all bets are off and this thing remains a toss-up. If the guy wins, it'll be "crazy, Paultard, burn-everything-to-the-ground reindeer farmer" up against a very sane and very traditional "save Medicare" Democrat. This isn't a crazy, exurban tea party district. It's a wealthy suburban district. That's not to say they won't elect a conservative, but it'd have to be a conservative more traditional than Bentivolio.

        1. HistoriCat

          Thanks for the analysis Negropolis. I'm happy to know there are some bright spots out there.

        2. miss_grundy

          Nancy Cassis was the Republican state representative who was against the film incentives program that Gov. Granholm signed. She met Clint Eastwood when he was in Metro Detroit to film "Grand Torino" and didn't understand why he needed incentive money to film here. According to the Detroit Free Press, he told her that the movie was being filmed here because of the "money". Originally, the film was about a Wisconsin auto worker who becomes involved with his Asian neighbors. I didn't like Cassis then, and I still don't like her or any Republican now.

          1. MittBorg

            Be sure to do your utmost to ensure that Cassis remains a pleasant post-prandial digestif rather than an obnoxious elected official.

  1. memzilla

    Calumnies, indignities and deceits.. oh my!
    Calumnies, indignities and deceits.. oh my!

    1. flamingpdog

      I initially read that as "a most corpulent letter." DAMN YOU, EDITRIX, for fixing Chris Christie in my brain!!!

  2. va_real

    He is going to "strike another match, go start anew”… Are they looking for this fellow in connection with the Colorado wildfires?

        1. flamingpdog

          Hopefully he doesn't decide to take a face from the ancient gallery and walk on down the hall.

          1. C_R_Eature

            He just might. From the way he's been writing his brain is squirming like a toad.

  3. memzilla

    Since Thaddeus (Constantly Beat Up In Junior High School For My First Name) McCotter has already ordered the Caribou Barbie Word Salad, Scott Walker should send this tard some delicious Wisconsin cheese to go with his Michigan whine.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Also there, he forgot to say he wasn't retreating but going in a different direction, reloading and politically if he dies he dies and know that he knows he can sign on in his heavenly father's name. Too.

  4. weejee


    Isn't that the pink lotion you put on itchies? Did Guitar Thad have an itch he shoulda been moar careful scratchin'? Can't believe that this is just about too many robo signatures on an election petition.

  5. C_R_Eature

    I'm re-posting this, just because:


    The National Weather Service has declared Excessive Heat Watches and Warnings for a good part of the country. The Warning areas will have Heat Index values in the 100 to 110 deg. F. range, due to a combination of temperatures in the 90's and above and Dew Points in the 60's. This is dangerous weather, folks and nothing to take lightly. Heat Exhaustion and heat stroke are cumulative conditions and symptoms can present very quickly. Here are a few resources to help:

    * The NWS's Heat advisory page.
    * The Centers for Disease Control's Extreme heat advisory page
    *The CDC's eat stress in the workplace page

    Please remember that many of the areas under Heat Warnings today are still without power from last Friday's storm. If you're in any of these areas please take care and go to an air conditioned public building if you can. If you know anyone in these affected areas. please check on them to make sure they're OK.

    Thanks. everyone,. Add your links and repost as needed.

    FYI, I'm on the eastern shore of the Chesapeake in MD, lucky enough to have electricity and am doing nothing outside for more than 5 minutes at a time.Right now, at 1214 EDT, I have a heat index of 109 deg. F. and the hottest part of the day is in the mid- afternoon.

    EDIT: Wouldn't be a Wonkette post without TruckNutz.

    Sincerely, Weedlord Bonerhitler.

    Update: We're at a heat index of 111 deg. F here now, at 1243 EDT.

    1. va_real

      The best advice I can give anyone trying to get through a heatwave is: don't ever look at the heat index. Really.

      1. C_R_Eature

        There's some that believe that, beyond a certain point on the thermometer it should just read "Fuckin' Hot". There's a definite appeal to that attitude.

        1. va_real

          I absolutely agree. Where do I order my new thermometers? Think "Potty Mouth" Bloomberg might know?

          1. C_R_Eature

            Don't ask him. The last Thermometer I ordered from New York said
            F[REDACTED]n' Hot.

            That's not nearly as accurate.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Definitely false advertizing. I'm about to report them to the Better Business Bureau.

          3. va_real

            Good thought! The Butter Business Bureau needs to know when it's too fucking hot. Turns out the melting point of butter is between 90-95 degrees F so I'm down with that.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Frequent waterproof Sunscreen application. Avoid jackrabbiting your Unit for more than a few minutes at a time. Drink lots of water. Clothing, if worn, should be light colored and loose. Don't wear leather, although assless chaps provide effective air circulation. Remember, excessive lap dancing is the primary cause of heatstroke among Male Exotic Dancers, so stay safe!

          1. James Michael Curley

            The ingredients seem the same as the regular anti-monkey butt cream and we used to make our own with corn starch and calamine lotion in my hard core bicycle riding days (50 to 100 mi a day). Didn’t do a lot of good for a pair of pricey compression shorts.

          2. Lascauxcaveman

            I'm all 1% tolnaftate cream (and compression shorts) on the big long rides. Takes out the chafing and jock itch simultaneously. I buy that stuff bulk on eBay.

    2. SorosBot

      Philadelphia, it's supposed to be getting up to 100 degrees here; and that's real temperature, not the heat index. Don't plan on leaving the air conditioned apartment today.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I wouldn't go anywhere either. Here's your NWS local forecast office.
        You know when their forecast map is pretty much all one color there's some shit that's about to go down.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I was looking at AccuWeather's map porn earlier. It was very hot but I still couldn't fap.

    3. ProgressiveInga

      Here in the A T L, we are only at 90 degrees with a heat index of 93. C'mon down y'all, and cool off.

      Not even kidding, wifey is on the roof cleaning the gutters as I sit in the conditioned air laughing at the Wonketeers and watching Bill Bennett on CSPAN-2 talk about the evils of Obamacare. Bennett looks like he and Cricso Christy have been throwing back the groceries together. He's fat.

      That is all.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Hot 'Lanta's cooler than D.C. this weekend. Says it all, I think.

        "wifey is on the roof cleaning the gutters as I sit in the conditioned air "
        – Not even going to ask what deal you had to make for that one. Best not look into it.

        "watching Bill Bennett on CSPAN-2 talk about the evils of Obamacare.
        -A Gold Star to you for having the emotional fortitude to watch that. I am, sadly, unable to watch people like him any more as I've just recently gotten my Rage Issues under control and my recovery is far from assured. Must tread carefully.

        Bill Bennett: The old Reagan/Bush I Administration apparatchnik who slithered gainfully into the talkshow, lecture, radio and Wingnut Welfare circuit, published "The Book of Virtues" and was outed as a serious Gambling Addict as well as a serious cigarette addict. but that's not a contradiction of his Conservative Values because SHUT UP THAT'S WHY and my eyes are turning red so I must stop now before the furniture breaking starts…

        1. MittBorg

          In all honesty, I have to admit, CRE, that the weed has really kept the ragey-stabby-hatey under control. I was afloat in a sea of bile for at least a decade back there till MM.

          1. MittBorg

            I can guarantee you it would cause way fewer casualties than those Glocks Rep. Allen West (Pussyfart-FL) wants to mandate for us all.

          2. starfanglednut

            Unfortunately, I can't smoke weed, as if I do, it then becomes a good idea to go to the liquor store, then my drug dealer, then ultimately crawl on my knees to a detox. I have to settle for ice cream. Hence the adorable pot belly.

          3. MittBorg

            Oh, that's awful! Although if you ever decide to try, I gotta tellya what they got these days is not yer fadda's weed. Back in the old days, we used to call it "bodoh" ("stupid" in Malay or Indonesian) because it so often made you stupid in the head. These days they have a million different strains. Some of them make you very relaxed, some are great for pain, some are good for anxiety, some make you happy … It's truly amazing. I used to get really paranoid from it. These days, I get … organized. I make lists of tasks, which I complete in a totally obsessive manner. It's better than lying around in a stupor, and I get an awful lot done. Speaking of which, it's time to rush off and get stuff done, sweetie. (Hugs the girl)

          4. Jadetiger79

            It's the only thing that helps the PTSD. I am able to get so much accomplished and since I'm in the art thing (why, yes I am unemployed!) I find I do my best work in that state. I can actually concentrate!

          5. MittBorg

            Amazing, isn't it? I'm blown away by its many different medicinal powers. Especially with the sickness of the heart and head.

          1. LagunaB

            Well, actually I must confess that I used Mrs. Weedlord Bonerhitler on John Boehner's website war blog the other day. So, cheers darling.

          2. LagunaB

            Yeah. Those people were so confused and thought it was only one person commenting. What a laugh.

          3. C_R_Eature

            That was awesome. I kept posting bizarreities under different assumed names until the 2-3 RW drones threw up their hands and walked. I think Radio's on the lookout for more of those opportunities, so watch this space!

    4. flamingpdog

      It's 70 degrees Mur'can in the Mile High City at 11:35 AM MDT, with a predicted high of 78 and a 60 percent chance of rain. Looks like The Monsoon came early this year along with the extreme summer heat. Hop on an aeroplane and we'll all drive down to Barb's (she should be having the same weather) and surprise her.

        1. MittBorg

          Po' li'l goats.

          It's kind of warm here for a change. Our summers tend to be cool and foggy, which means it's a pain in the ass to grow tomatoes, but this year they're actually mostly doing OK for a change. I don't think it's going to get much hotter than maybe the 80s at most, here. Our summer weather fluctuates between 60-80 daytime, and 40-55 nighttime, usually.

          1. viennawoods13

            I left some cold water on the deck to soak apple twigs for my bbq turkey. The water is now HOT!

          2. viennawoods13

            Salmonella and a squeeze of lemon with just a hint of sugar. Very refreshing.

          3. MittBorg

            I'm feeling really sorry for everyone on the east coast — EXCEPT the global warming deniers. For them, I feel all gloaty-snickery. Anything over 70 is uncomfortable for me, and by the time it hits 90, I'm in heat-stroke mode. I hope you're taking all needed steps to stay cool.

          4. C_R_Eature

            Rationalization is a powerful thing. Even when your brains are cooking in an unprecedented heat wave, all the utilities are out from the third 100-year storm this year and your back yard is disappearing fast into the rising sea. Nothing's amiss because it was cold last winter somewhere and Al Gore is fat.

          5. MittBorg

            Also too you're not allowed to mention sciency stuff as the water slowly covers your head. IT'S NOT RISING OCEAN LEVELS!! It's just … cyclical … repeated, um … flooding, that's it. It's flooding.

            I swear, I will smite them all with a serious smoting as soon as I get elected Gawd.

        2. finallyhappy

          I'm right outside DC- and it is really hot but I have not seen any blown goats. Perhaps if I had gone back to Folklife where there are (or where) two live goats last week

      1. va_real

        A quick but effective version of this is to run cold water over your wrists for a little bit.

          1. MittBorg

            When I'm down on the hillside and it gets really hot, I'll just start watering the garden and turn the hose on myself from time to time. The water starts running down my head and it's HOT, and eventually I'm soaked and delightfully muddy and starting to cool down.

            I think I was a pig in a previous life.

    5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      It's supposed to get up to 80 up here in the northwest today. We have all donned shorts and tank tops and are blinding each other with our whiteness. It's like an entire population of albino moles just found the sun!

      1. C_R_Eature

        Woah, 80 must feel like Death Valley up there!

        Get all of your friends to stand in a semicircle. See if you can focus the sun's rays enough to start a fire. Cookout!

        1. Limeylizzie

          Come sit on the deck with me , here in sunny Hollywood, CA, the temp is about 75 right now at 11.23 am rising to a balmy 85 later on, slight breeze and I am watching the goldfinches and red-polls eat their Nijer seed as the feeders sway gently .

          1. Limeylizzie

            I spent 4 years in Texas and thought I would lose my mind in the summers, I am not meant for the heat, I am a person who has the windows open in winter. Stay safe.

          2. C_R_Eature

            That sounds awful. I live as far south as I ever want to, now and it's too hot here. I really like to have four seasons and that's getting mighty hard to find.

          3. HistoriCat

            I keep eyeing real estate in MI … if I didn't have to work for a living I would get the hell out of the land of 80 degree summer lows with 110% humidity.

          4. C_R_Eature

            That sounds far enough. I'd bug out to southeast Nova Scotia if I had my Druthers. I like to keep receiving a steady income, though.

          5. Butch_Wagstaff

            I don't think we even had a spring here this year. If we did it must have lasted only a week.

          6. viennawoods13

            SW Ontario has always had some humid spells, but the last few summers have been scorchers. God bless AC, because I was not meant to live in a hot humid climate, 70, a light breeze, and I'm happy.

          7. MittBorg

            That's what the weather is like here most of the time. Except in the winter, when it dips to, oh, 40-55. It's the mingy damp I can't stand. I miss the thunderstorms of my yoof.

          8. Limeylizzie

            It's exactly the same thing, just a different name. The finches are like little crack whores for it, aren't they?

          9. MumbletyRadio

            I deleted the comment once I'd looked online and discovered THEY ARE THE SAME. Was rather embarrassed. And yes, the finches and sparrows devour the seed like crazy; I don't mind refilling since they're dreamy to watch in action, and this seed seems not to appeal to the squirrels, they show no interest in raiding the feeder.

          10. Limeylizzie

            I am obsessed with our finches, I think we have 2 flocks, one of Lesser Goldfinches which I adore and the other of Purple Finches.

          11. Limeylizzie

            Hi Darling! How are you? Is it beastly hot where you are, Arkansas maybe? If you and I were an item, as we should be in a perfect world, we would be on this deck and sipping some nice fizzy water , do you have a porch swing you could bring with you?

          12. radio-of-owls

            Bon nuit, mon cornichon. It has been egregiously overheated in Ozarklandia but worse yet, as sere as Ann Romney's nether-bits. I'm terrified of opening the next water bill. Yet today, glorious thrashing rain and right now on my screen porch, a delightful 71 degrees.

            Rather than a swing, how about if we dangle our tootsies over the edge of a lazy drifting punt with watermelon juice dribbling down our chins? Mai non?

          13. radio-of-owls

            What a bunch of hams! What's with the peek-a-boo pose? Here at Rancho Buho we've got lots of tits…as it should be. Also these, these and these lovelies.

          14. glasspusher

            Yep, we had our heat wave here yesterday, just about cracked 80F here in the Oakland Hills (Cali). Marine layer and fog returned late last night, we'll have a hard time getting up (so to speak) to 75F today…

          1. C_R_Eature

            I've given op on Peace, Love and Understanding but how much effort would a little Sanity take, Eh?

          1. C_R_Eature

            Hard to tell from the video, but ain't that a Baby Grand?

            What's shocking is this guy's 71 years old.

    6. not that Radio

      Not bragging, or making light of anyone's misfortune, because we've certainly had our share of calumnies, but here in the Desert Southwest it is a pleasant 79F, with those delightful monsoon rains expected for the afternoon. I hope I can get the gutters up before then.

      Everybody do what C_R_Eature suggests. It's no snarking matter. Even you Midwesterners and EastCoasters can get dehydrated, no matter how high the humidity is.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Enjoy pleasant weather when it's around, Radio, before it Gets Weird again.

        Thanks. Heat exhaustion's insidious. It comes on slowly and you don't realize you're in trouble until you're in real trouble.

        1. MittBorg

          I often end up weeding the hill in summer, in my favourite black sweats, With a hat, thick socks, and sturdy shoes (which you need for that fucking hill), one overheats in no time at all, a thing I didn't realize till I found myself lying at the bottom of the hill all red-faced and sweaty with a core temperature that wouldn't come down. Sneaks up on ya.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Free Saunas for all! Just step outside.

            Got my towel and It's Jinnan Tonixx time.

          2. Butch_Wagstaff

            Last week, when we first broke 100 degrees here, I saw a whole flock of joggers pass by on our street. This was in mid-afternoon.
            I don't know. Is it some sort of "extreme jogging" thing?
            Once saw a guy on Monument Avenue jogging barefoot wearing nothing but the tiniest shorts.
            Maybe some joggers are just hardcore.

          3. MittBorg

            Anybody who can get it up to MOVE in this heat, well, I just ain't got NUFFINK to say to them. (What am I bitching about, it went up to all of 77 today, or something. At 100F, those mo'fuckers are superhuman. Hey, maybe that's it. They're aliens. VERY illegal aliens.)

        2. viennawoods13

          Yes. Used to try all-day hiking in hot humid weather… MISTAKE. Took 3 days to recover from that. Keep those liquids flowing, everyone!

        3. glasspusher

          No joke! I had a friend who was visiting in-laws in Tuscon. Felt a little funny poolside when it was 110F, went to stand up, next thing he remembered is he was lying on his back in the living room with his wife kneeling over him, crying. He had stopped breathing for several minutes, she had done CPR and couldn't find a pulse.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Thank you for posting this. That's exactly what I'm warning people about! Your friend is very lucky that he survived his encounter with heatstroke. He was taken out of the heat just in time and his wife having been trained in CPR saved his life.
            I've done field work in all kinds of inclement weather and survived, but hyperthermia is the one thing that really worries me. It hits fast, recovery is difficult and there's very little margin for error.
            I believe the death toll for this current heat wave is 65 now, nationwide. It's still dangerous weather out there and there will be more casualties before this is over.

          2. glasspusher

            Happy to help. I go mountain climbing in the winter and ice climbing (not as much as I used to) so I deal with the other one, hypothermia. They are both insidious, and you can't be too careful. Of course, with hypothermia, one of the first things to go is rational thought, so you're not even capable of getting yourself out of it most of the time.My friend below, from his wife's point of view, was going to stand up, poolside, and then collapsed like a bag of mashed potatoes. She dragged him inside as quick as she could. Likely saved his life.This shit is no joke!

          3. C_R_Eature

            Yes, thanks again. You're absolutely right about hypothermia and the clouded judgement that goes along with it. That's why traveling in a team, or at the very least making sure people know where you're going, when you're due back and expecting a check-in call is best.

            There's no "likely" about your friend's wife saving his life – from what you're described. I'm positive that she did.

            Hey, be careful out there.

          4. glasspusher

            I'm convinced a lot of people don't know what they're getting into.Just because you're in shape doesn't make you immune from heat, cold or altitude!I'm a scientist, so I'm used to keeping an eye out and learning about things to be careful about in the lab, and my hiking partner used to work in an ER, so between the two of us, we're doubly cautious and prepared. Always keep a turnaround time/check in, from back in the days before cell phones (a good idea to do it now anyway).Now that I'm out west, hiking up the big hills, I see folks with altitude sickness. A few years back on the summit of Mt Shasta (14,162 ft) we encountered a woman who said she ran marathons, curled up in a fetal position. Hadn't had anything to drink in 5 hours. We told her to drink a liter of water, no matter how hard it was, and Get the Fuck Down.I usually get a headache on fast ascents, above 12,000 feet, but monitor my condition, make sure it doesn't get worse, tag the top and get the hell down.

    7. Chow Yun Flat

      Went to work at noon today in the suburbs of Detroit, temperature was already 98 with the same disgusting humidity that has been hanging around for weeks. Walked out at eight o'clock–the temperature was down and the air was a lot drier and more pleasant.

      Halle fucking luiah!

      1. C_R_Eature

        I can't wait.

        We'll get that Sunday, but we will have to endure a Pummeling by a storm front first. Oh Boy.

        1. MittBorg

          The coming storms worry me. The weather service is all finger-shaking warn-y. You better take good care of your bad self. No diving in bad weather.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Roger that. Thanks. I drive very capable vehicles and have a lot of experience in Ugly Weather Driving but I take no chances with this kind of storm. I'll button up.

      2. viennawoods13

        A few hours east of you, we're having a delightful evening. It is COOL, with a lovely breeze, and humidity gone!! YES!!

  6. sbj1964

    A member of congress out of a job? Hope he enjoys the economy,and job market he helped destroy!

    1. gullywompr

      Based on this letter, he'll join the ranks of millions of English majors (with a minor in Philosophy) working the booth at the parking lot. Maybe if he takes his guitar to work, he'll get discovered.

      EDIT: no insult intended to any underemployed brethren or cistern here…

      1. starfanglednut

        I'm getting a BS in environmental Sciences, and I'm scared shitless I'll be making soy mocha no foam caramel whatevers at starbucks for the rest of my life.

        1. gullywompr

          What school? My son wants to major in that, but it's not offered at his school. He's entering as an Anthropology major this fall, so he'll probably be the guy with the guitar outside of Starbucks.

          1. starfanglednut

            I'm going to Umass Boston. You can get a good education there for a state school. It's affordable for MA residents, and still cheaper than a private school for those from out of state. I took anth 101, and the professor was pretty clear that most anthropologists teach. Perhaps your son wants to do that? If not, I'll put money in his jar when I leave my shift at the coffee shop. Also, ES is a great major, really fun. I hope things work out for you son.

          2. gullywompr

            His vision of anthro is digging up Lucy in the Afar Valley. Sounds pretty cool to me, too. Anyway, he just picked something that the school offered (VCU, go Rams!) just to get accepted. At 18, he's got time to figure it out.

    2. Antispandex

      No problem. Pension and life time medical….unlike everyone else he helped to screw.

  7. SorosBot

    "I do not leave for an existing job and face diminishing prospects"

    A former Congressman with a 26-year career in politics faces diminishing job prospects, really?

    1. flamingpdog

      He's a fundie Christer – Jesus will provide!

      Jesus Sanchez, the manager at the local Taco Bell.

    2. Negropolis

      Well, even among the ranks of congressmen, he truly doesn't work well with others, to say the very least. So when he says he's not suited for lobbying, I believe him.

  8. Barb

    Morning Egg! Wow, that won't be the first time I say that today.

    Was there a scandal or something? ✄ Did he hold down some gay man and cut his hair? ✄ Or worse, did he hold down a lesbian until her hair grew out?

      1. Barb

        Is that the "lighting a match" reference? Did he make a stinky and someone called him on it?

        1. va_real

          He made a stinky & then hoped to change careers & make a living telling fart jokes…

    1. va_real

      If the WaPo blog is to be believed (& the letter seems to support this), the man just cracked:

      ETA: "McCotter’s bizarre period continued this week when the Detroit News reported that he had written a TV pilot with a rather odd premise — McCotter himself hosting a crude variety show that joked about flatulence and female anatomy, among other things. The script was leaked to the newspaper by a former staffer who thought it unbecoming a member of Congress."

      1. Antispandex

        Well…I think when you're a quitter (like Sarah Palin), and you talk about "god's continued blessings" (like Sarah Palin), "unhinged" is an easy call. The one thing I don't get is that , usually, "the needs of my family" means, "I was caught in a public restroom with a rentboy".

    2. SorosBot

      From what I understand, he / his staff fucked up his signatures so that he was not eligible to get on the ballot. Not really something that you'd think would make someone completely crack like this; you'd think most politicians in that position would run a write-in campaign.

      1. MittBorg

        Negropolis has all the dirt on this guy. Something like 80% of the signatures he submitted were cut-and-pasted from previous years' submissions. They were obviously and blatantly fake, although apparently someone IN his campaign felt obliged to point this out to the authorities also, too. As a result of which, Thad is currently under investigation. None of which need necessarily have led to his resignation, except that there is also a possibility of a Federal investigation, apparently. It is possible that in his entire decade or so of service at this level, McCotter has repeatedly submitted similar — bogus — signatures. In the event, he apparently did attempt to mount a write-in campaign, and gave up because he could not collect sufficient REAL signatures. He will now begone and never again darken our towels. Who could hope for more.

        1. sullivanst

          Plus, Thaddeus McCotter is not the easiest name to spell, although neither was Murkowski.

          1. MittBorg

            Yes, and she won a resounding victory, the first time a write-in Senatorial campaign has succeeded in decades. The same cannot possibly be hoped for of Thaddeus.

            Honestly, who the fuck names their kids Thaddeus?

    3. James Michael Curley

      Just in case you are not joking, his staff submitted a petition for the party primary with 2,000 signatures when a mere 1,000 were required. By the time several issues settled the State of Michigan determined it had less than 250 valid signatures as there were many duplicates, some cut and pasted from his 2010 petition and a page or two with the name of another candidate at the top. Thus he is not on the ballot and 'responding to questions' from the state about why and what happened.

      The Dems have two relative unknowns on the primary ballot and the Reps only candidate is a Kerry Bentivolio who is supported by a number of shadowy right wing groups. He is a Viet Nam veteran who likes to wear his ribbons on his blazer pocket when he campaigns. From photos all I recognize is the CIB and the usual been there done that. (CIB – Combat Infrantyman's Badge is no small snit) "Gov Track" ranks McCotter as a 'far right Republican' and Bentivolio boasts he is more conservative than McCotter. In one appearance he agreed that after Roe v Wade is over turned, women who get abortions should be jailed.

      The Dems primary is running a Lyndon LaRoche Democrat and a municipal board member who is an MD running on a save Medicare and Social Security platform.

      1. HistoriCat

        What are the odds the MD gets beat by the LaRouchie? This is why we can't have nice things.

        1. Negropolis

          Very, very poor.

          BTW, Bentivolio – the only Republican on the primary ballot – is a complete and utter nutjob. That might do well is a less wealthy district, but it's going to be hard to compete in a district where the monied want someone competent enough to protect their money. Bent is far too crazy to be trusted with their money, that's why the panicked establishment has put up a desperate write-in campaign for an establishment former state legislator.

          The only way this district could still be designated "lean Republican" is if the write-in candidate wins the primary. Barring that, this is a classic no-holds-barred toss-up.

        2. James Michael Curley

          Not good, unless the LaRouche candidate, William Roberts, plays a good ground game – and that would be an anomaly in a primary. Dr. Taj has a considerable list of party endorsements including Carl Levin, Sander Levin and Debbie Stabenow. Ad two of the largest UAW chapters in a congressional district made primarily of auto related house holds and party politics seem quite predictable. The suburbanization of the area over the last 20 years seems to be the major reason why congressional contests went to republicans.

          1. HistoriCat

            Thanks. I just remember primaries in the late 80s which the LaRouche candidates won because their names were "more American" … I would hope we're beyond that point or at least that those idiots have all gone over the R side.

          2. James Michael Curley

            Well you can’t get more “American” than D.A.R. (Daughters of the American Revolution) member and decorated war veteran. Lt. Col. Tammy Duckworth. That’s a good old ‘Mericun name.

      2. Bezoar

        Thanks for that background; I'd not ever heard of this guy. Can't understand why not.

      1. comrad_darkness

        You can copy and paste any of these for future use:

        ✉ ✍ ✎ ✓ ☑ ☒ ✗ ⊕ ⊗ ☞ ☜ ♫ ✄ ✁ ∞ ♨ ☢ ✈ ☰ ☷ ♥ ★ ☆ ☺ ☹

        Some more goodies:
        ♔ ♕ ♖ ♘ ♆ ✠ ♂ ♀ ♠ ♣ ♥ ♦ ☣ ☮ ☃ ☂ ☯ ☠

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I am hugely disappointed that there is no pentagram to be found, in any font, on any computer.

          1. sullivanst

            Yeah, the list of fonts with support is rather short, but then, Unicode 6 is less than a year old, and had a lot of new characters for font authors to add.

  9. Vecchiojohn

    "one cannot rebuild their hearth"

    Niles was usually more gramatical.

    (Sorry – one m short of an alphabet this morning. I blame the alcohol.)

  10. HistoriCat

    What kind of a dipshit leaves a > $100K job without an idea of how he's going to pay the bills? Something's fishy here – dare we hope for a sex scandal?

    PS – thank you for the new post Rebecca. I was sick of looking at Governor Crisco.

    1. James Michael Curley

      More likely and indictment from the State of Michigan – moving slowly only because it would embarrass the recently captured Governor's and Legislative positions.

    2. MittBorg

      Look at that face. The only sex scandal it could be involved in is sucking someone's dick. And everybody already knows he does *that.*

    1. HistoriCat

      Unable to find a job, McCotter moves to Wasilla and crashes at the Palin compound. Hijinks ensue when Thad becomes romantically entangled with two generations of Palins. Special guest star – Greta Van Susteren.

    2. swordfis

      Thad McCotter returns to Congress, but this time as an S&M disciplinarian. Now he "educates" his fellow Republicans with a bullwhip. LOL!

    1. James Michael Curley

      When McCotter leaves office on 12/31/12 he will be fully qualified to receive full pension benefits immediately. He has enough years in service so age and term qualifications are not required. He will get in excess of $84,500 plus various amounts to establish his post term office staff and such which will probably run upwards of another $100,000 for about 18 months. I forget those bennies and its too hot to look up.

      Also, he and his family will have paid health care until death.

      1. finallyhappy

        actually, depending on how he structures his retirement, his wife can have fed health care after his death

      2. Comrade Wingtardd

        Yes, and in fact for him, the truly "patriotic" thing to do would be to not work, because he doesn't have to, and in doing so, is simply stealing work from someone who needs it.

    2. MittBorg

      Exactly. And with lifetime health care for himself and his family, he doesn't HAVE to work, if he doesn't want to. I hope there really is some kind of sex scandal brewing in his closet. Because when so many good people are out of work and barely making it from one day to the next, it riles me no end to see this smirking smarmy shitsmear sitting back with his feet up enjoying his ill-gotten gains.

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        From the man's appearance and attitude toward life I would assume that any possible sex scandal involves goats and chickens.

        1. MittBorg

          As an animal lover, I feel bad about that. However, based on McCotter's appearance alone, I'm inclined to give it some weight. Yech, he looks depraved.

  11. SexySmurf

    But this too shall pass, thanks to the infinite, inspired wisdom of the sovereign people who, with God’s continued blessings, will again affirm for the generations American Exceptionalism.

    McCotter added: "And then the matador gets drunk and pukes. It's totes awesome."

      1. Jukesgrrl

        He's not going to lobby, he's just going to accept the briefcase full of cash and return to his lake house in Michigan. The reason there is so much terrible violence within and between gangs is that they can't sue to address wrongs in courts of law. Same thing goes here. McGottcha might suddenly drown or meet with a hunting accident in the Upper Peninsula, but they can't take him to court to get their cash back.

  12. Mittens Howell, III

    Oh, poor Thad.

    Lovey!! Move the fainting couch nearer to me!

    swooon twirl *Ka-Thunk*

    … too slow

      1. Mittens Howell, III

        Ah, yes I've been a fool. You seem to have correctly joined the dots there.

          1. va_real

            If you mean me, I'm a she.

            I admit that it was tactless of me to remember today what Mittens said yesterday…

          2. MittBorg

            Honestly, you're *never* gonna get some of that sweet billionaire campaign cash if you don't straighten up and fly right, girl!

          3. va_real

            Well, I hadn't really envisioned any of that cash headed my way, but hell- why not? Now I just need to think of a good name for my focus group & soon I'll be lolling about in cash!

  13. rickmaci

    Oh hail sweet Columbia! We stand at the great cross roads of this epochal decade filled with the spiritual comfort of knowing the soul of America's greatest blowhole of the prior century, William Jennings Bryan, lives. In Jeebuzz's name we blog. Amen.

  14. Troubledog

    You know who else couldn't collect a thousand signatures to appear on a ballot?

    1. sezme

      Someone even less popular than Basil Marceaux?
      (by the way from Basil Marceaux's page on Wikipedia: "A Public Policy Polling poll showed that Marceaux would lose to President Barack Obama by 25 points if he were a candidate in the 2012 presidential election." What theoretical candidate could do worse than that? Alvin Greene?)

  15. PuckStopsHere

    He's just making his play, in prose, for the Veep nomination since Old RIch Guy/Crazy Asshole worked so well the last go-round.

    1. MittBorg

      EXACTLY. He's quitting before he gets booted out, and "cooperating" with the investigation into the BADLY-botched signature-collecting which resulted in visibly cut-and-pasted voter information sheets submitted by HIS campaign. In all the boo-hooing, he is completely omitting the fact that he, himself, is solely responsible for all the misfortunes that have befallen him. The miserable little putz.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      By that he meant that he was fired by Hobby Lobby. He'll have a job with some firm that lobbies for a Michigan cherry packing house. Or, better, a Michigan fudge packing company.

  16. C_R_Eature

    But you don't understand
    Just what you'll say
    When you get home
    Because something is happening here
    But you don't know what it is
    Do you, Mister Jones McCotter?

    1. C_R_Eature

      It's a fact that cavemen rode Thesaurus. There's a museum in Pennsylvania that has proof.

  17. AddHomonym

    I googled "hearth rebuild" and got, like, tons of stuff. Where's the can-do spirit, bro?

  18. not that Radio

    This is the most pretentious piece of "trying to sound smart" bullshit I have read in a long time. Every other word is a misplaced antecedent, dangling modifier, personified inanimate object, or badly constructed gerund. Just say what you fucking mean, Thad.

    There are some mighty tiresome passages here….I was operating on the motto 'Make it literary,' a piece of bad advice I made up all by myself and then took.

    -Thomas Pynchon, Slow Learner

      1. Designer_Radio

        Is that a standard diagram format for Smart English Majors? I've never seen anything like that before, but it looks like everyone's on the same page. I also don't really get the diagram's flow or what the branches imply. Oh well, probably not necessary for my continued breath and nourishment.

      2. Butch_Wagstaff

        I was the only one in my high school who could diagram sentences and, twisted young thing that I was (for the time & place), I actually enjoyed it. Haven't done it since so I probably would suck at it today.

        1. not that Radio

          I didn't realize this at the time, but 6th/7th-grade sentence diagramming was just a prelude to electronic circuit analysis and digital logic. It's just puzzles. If you can do one, you can do them all.

  19. outragedcitizen

    I'm confused. GOP congressman did what? He's quitting because he wrote a bunch of made up stuff that made fun of people?

    Hell, I thought making up shit was a congressional requirement.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not if you're a Republican. It's those pesky Democratic voters who need to be voter-ID'd.

  20. Jeri 2.0

    "As U.S. Rep. Thad McCotter's short-lived presidential run fizzled last year, the Livonia Republican turned to another aspiration: writing a TV show.

    "Bumper Sticker: Made On Motown" starred McCotter hosting a crude variety show cast with characters bearing the nicknames of his congressional staffers and his brother. They take pot shots about McCotter's ill-fated bid for the White House while spewing banter about drinking, sex, race, flatulence, puking and women's anatomy. It features a cartoon intro and closing snippet with an Oldsmobile careening through Detroit and knocking over the city's landmarks. The double-finned car has a Michigan license plate reading: "Made on MoTown."

    If this was TL;DR the shorter version is that Thad probably considers himself the next Adam Corolla and will be coming to a teevee near you. Got bricks?

  21. Antispandex

    "former vanity presidential candidate and guy currently working from the Third Street Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf "

    Ralph Nader?

    1. MittBorg

      At least Ralph Nader is a lawyer who has had a long career of triumphs behind him as well as that ill-fated Presidential run.

      Thad ain't got nuthin'.

  22. James Michael Curley

    Wonkette Posting count for the day.

    1 Excessively Fat Republican Joke.
    1 Excessively Skinny Republican Joke.

    Nice balance.

    1. Boojum

      Honey, you can whisper "vagina" to me anytime or, nay, shout "Vagina!" from the rooftops of one's hearth, rebuilt from their ashes of unlit despair!

  23. TribecaMike

    I can't decide if McCotter's style is flowery or floury, but it is more readable than John Updike.

  24. DustBowlBlues

    I guess this dude did something shitty–besides the teevee show idea. Since that's where his interests lay, he might have a willing audience on the NRA's special teevee channel that I heard existed. Or as a variety act for NRA conventions. Hell, if he perfects it, there are all kinds of meeting of reactionaries (these assholes are too crazy to be just conservatives) who would pay good money for his crap.

  25. randcoolcatdaddy

    "The recent event’s totality of calumnies, indignities and deceits have weighed most heavily upon my family."

    The Republicans in Congress have done the same thing to everyone's family…

  26. comrad_darkness

    Isn't American Exceptionalism that policy theology that ensures republicans take the resources we could use to fix problems here and use them instead to bomb the shit out of brown people?

    1. NellCote71

      Yep, that's the one. Also like school programs in the 1970s for "exceptional" children.

  27. Terry

    From FoxNews:
    "He dropped his bid for re-election last month after learning his staff hadn't filed enough valid petition signatures to get him on the Aug. 7 primary ballot. Twice as many signatures as required were turned in, but 80 percent were found to be fake or duplicates."

    Jeeze, the Fox GOP machine isn't even bothering to whitewash the frigging incompetence.

    So, two options spring to mind. One, his staff was unable to find enough people in the district willing to sign, probably because he's a horses arse on a good day, and were forced to fake the rest of the signatures. Two, his in-district staff is so fricking lazy and bone idle that they didn't bother doing the leg work and just faked the signatures.

    I think it may be a combination of the two, actually.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Ted Nugent has dozens of Paul Reed Smith custom guitars and a rare Gibson Byrdland and he still manages to be all bad. As in bad-bad, not good-bad.

      1. Boojum

        Shorter MittBorg: Pillock libel!!!

        When someone, as is inevitable, libels libel, will the resulting comment wind us downward and across the event horizon of the black hole of despair or leave us twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom?

  28. Negropolis

    BTW, no one is quite sure why this has unfolded the way that it has. It's true he's under investigation by the state AG for election fraud, but there is no way they'd have forced him from office before his term was up given that the AG is a GOP hack. There is nothing adventageous about forcing him out this late their party. Furthermore, his pension was coming regardless of when he resigned within the last month or so, so it wasn't about that.

    The only other reason I can't think of is that perhaps there are federal charges coming that don't work on the state GOP's time, of course. The state GOP seems to genuinely surprised by the timing of this. This forces the governor to figure out when to hold a special election for the old district, with the primary for the new district being in a couple weeks. So there is no way to hold the special election for the old district before the primary election for the new district.

    The timing is just bizarre.

      1. Negropolis

        I would be shocked – shocked, I tell you – if this turns out to be a sex scandal. For the time being, I'm chalking this up to his insanely unconventional style (i.e. his tenuous grasp on reality).

        1. MittBorg

          I really appreciate your insider viewpoint on this, thanks. He's been in this particular position for ten years, so why the sudden collapse? It all seems very odd.

          1. Negropolis

            Had it not been for the Secretary of State checking the signatures, there wouldn't have been a collapse. It seems like the real question is who tipped off the SoS to investigate the signatures in the first place? After they reviewed them, some people were saying that he may have been doing this for years, so it may be, in fact, that hundreds of his signatures in elections past have been invalid and just never closely checked.

            Who turned this guy in? Va_real I think hit on it: it was an inside job. I think they tolerated him up until he got the hubris to run for president.

        2. va_real

          Can't help wondering about his staff. Did they fuck up the signature collecting deliberately? And then turn him in to the local news about his plans for the stoopid teevee show? It kinda sounds like his staffers hate him & I'm thinkin' that could slow down that whole write-in campaign.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    Dude says "sovereign" a lot — he's sorta like a combination of David Koresh and James Taylor. He's a little bit calumny, he's a little bit schlock and soul…deep-fried in some crazy.

  30. Extemporanus

    With demonstratively sovereign apologies to sundry sullen-esque individuals whom yet remain assembled, as well as to those who hath haphazardly wandered through anew to converse amidst the waxing and waning wisps of the sulfurous stench of a literally metaphorical re-struck matchstick, for this calumnies-laden calamity of indeterminately onanistic tardiness, I stand with half-eaten hat in hand, and with half-eaten hat-holding hand on bended knee, and with etc. on etc., and do forthwith hereby proclaim, with unbowed humility, that yours truly unreservedly retracts the premature opinings proffered by the aforementioned yours truly whilst in the act of uncharacteristically uttering a profanity-pocked comment in response to the most previous post pillorying distant hereditary dead end and brazenly pate-poor patriot Thaddeus Galoshes McCotter.

    To wit, and in other words:

    I actually can believe that I'm related to this fucking douchehole.

  31. smokefilledroommate

    'parently, his name was 'apposed to be 'Thesaurus', but his mama was so affected by that wicked Laudanum, it done cursed her spellin'. Lil' Thad seen it right to read all pages of that ol' dinosaur dictnary and edgeucate hisself to rise to his own name.

    (why can't he be Southern? fits perfectly).

  32. e_z

    Fuck the so called "Heat Index" with the same rancid Goat Dick that is to be used on the "Wind Chill" nonsense.

    1. C_R_Eature

      That's exactly what I said yesterday when my local weather station spiked it at 116 F.

  33. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "[w]e live in an Age of Extremes that prizes intensity over sanity; rhetoric over reality; and destruction over creation."

    Sounds like a facy way of saying, "I'm sick of these fucking teabaggers."

  34. fuflans

    Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man… and give some back.

    Al Swearengen: You can't cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve.

    Dan Dority: You know you hurt my feelings.
    Al Swearengen: Dan.
    Dan Dority: That's the long and short of it, Al. You fucking pick Adams to represent you, you hurt my feelings and that is the fucking matter's end.

    Seth Bullock: I'll be the fucking sheriff.
    Al Swearengen: Starting when?
    Seth Bullock: Starting now.
    Al Swearengen: You have the tin?
    Seth Bullock: I do.
    Al Swearengen: Produce it.
    [Seth stands up, and pulls out the badge]
    Al Swearengen: On the tit.
    Seth Bullock: I know where it goes.

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