The Totally True And 100 Percent Not Fictional Resignation Letter Of Rep. Thad McCotter, For Real

You guys, we are starting to worry about former vanity presidential candidate and guy currently working from the Third Street Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf just like every other pilot-shopper, Michigan Congressman Thad McCotter. He resigned from the US House last night following "a nightmarish month" and his letter is just, how to say, Holy Cow? It is flowery and high-flown. It rends its Clothes and tears its Hair. It sweeps grandly forth into the Future while shaking its Fist at the Deceivers of the Past. For it has suffered Calumnies and Indignities, and probably merciless Savages also too! It is, ladies and gentlemen, the final missive of Rep. Thad McCotter.

"Today I have resigned from the office of United States Representative for Michigan's 11th Congressional District.

After nearly 26 years in elected office, this past nightmarish month and a half have, for the first time, severed the necessary harmony between the needs of my constituency and of my family. As this harmony is required to serve, its absence requires I leave.

The recent event's totality ofcalumnies, indignities and deceitshave weighed most heavily upon my family. Thus, acutely aware one cannot rebuild their hearth of home amongst the ruins of their U.S. House office, for the sake of my loved ones I must "strike another match, go start anew" by embracing the promotion back from public servant to sovereign citizen.

I do not leave for an existing job and face diminishing prospects (and am both unwilling and ill-suited to lobby), my priorities are twofold: find gainful employment to help provide for my family; and continue to assist, in any way they see fit, the Michigan Attorney General's earnest and thorough investigation, which I requested, into the 2012 petition filing.

While our family takes this step into the rest of our lives, we do so with the ultimate confidence in our country's future. True, as at other times in the life of our nation, we live in an Age of Extremes that prizes intensity over sanity; rhetoric over reality; and destruction over creation. But this too shall pass, thanks to the infinite, inspired wisdom of the sovereign people who, with God's continued blessings, will again affirm for the generations American Exceptionalism.

Truly, it is a challenging and fortunate time to live in our blessed sanctuary of liberty.

In closing, to The People of Michigan's 11th Congressional District, I can but say this: Thank you for the privilege of having worked for you."

~ Thaddeus G. McCotter

Can we now say, for the record, that we would very much like to read his pilot script, and we really really hope that he does indeed talk like Niles Crane, but foppier? We would definitely do at least one and a half recaps of that.