NOT AFRAID TO BE SERVICEY  2:55 pm July 6, 2012

Sexual Politics: How Not To Be A Male Stripper

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

6. Don't ride a pole.There is a movie out, people say it is very good, it has Channing Tatum in it and whatnot, maybe we will see it, that’s cool. That is not really “political,” we guess, but there is nothing on the entire Internet today, like, “jobs report” REALLY? Romney being pro-vacation? Blah blah blah boring thing? Well, sexual politics it is! And male strippers, because why not.

Here is a thing about male strippers, a secret that people do not want you to know: male strippers are super gross. Nobody likes it when they waggle their weenises in people’s faces. Nobody likes it when they stick their sweaty sweaty butts on a girl’s boobs. A girl’s boob set does not have pleasure receptors for having a butt on it. Your editrix was at a party recently, and there was a male stripper, and it was horrifying. A) he wasn’t attractive, with the Roid Acne and the sweaty crack and the weak chin, but that shouldn’t even be the point, poor guy. B) He would sit the ladies down in a chair and then bounce on them like he was doing calisthenics, and ladies are not made that way. There were a couple of old gay fellows at the party. “You’re gay!” said we. “Do you like that?”
The old gay fellows did not like it either.

So here, for all the male strippers in the world, is how you should be a male stripper.

1. Don’t put your butt in people’s faces.
2. Stop jackrabbiting your pee-pee about.
3. Here’s an idea! Instead of sitting the girl in a chair, make her stand up, and then sort of sway at her and smell her neck a bunch, real slow-like.
4. You could even put her hand on your pectorals!
5. Probably leave most of your clothes on.

And also try to be more attractive.

Do those five things, male strippers, and girls will stop hiding behind other girls and loudly saying “EW” when you are doing your special horny dance with the fringey stuffed pecker-sock and making it bounce bounce bounce next to a girl’s mouth. BECAUSE GIRLS DON’T LOVE PAYING MONEY TO BE RAPED IN THEIR MOUTHS.

Servicey!

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 248 comments }

DrunkIrishman July 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I decided if I ever strip, my name is going to be Hugh O'Toole.

IncenseDebate July 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

There's a somewhat famous investment/stock analyst named Hugh Johnson.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Brother to "The Big Unit" Randy, no doubt.

JustPixelz July 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Lance Romero, which is also the name I will use in witness relocation should that become necessary for some reason.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Cool! No one's taken my nym: Max Organ

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Not Hugh G. Rekshun?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Mine will be "Mezcal". You must eat the worm.

(since we're being total pigs here)

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

But you have to drink the bottle first.

C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I had to settle for Hugh Jorgen, because Dirk Diggler was taken.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Chris Christie is untaken, as well.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Hugh Jorgan is the name I give at those "Get a free lunch to hear our financial services sales spiel" thingies.

DrunkIrishman July 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

When I was a kid, we'd call a grocery store and ask them to page Mike Hunt due to a family emergency. They'd then put the phone down and you could hear seconds later, over the intercom, "Is there a Mike Hunt here…? Mike Hunt wanted at the front desk."

We'd laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh we were so Bart Simpson.

RevJuanMessycan July 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

In a, er, separate dimension, my hustling alter ego was known as "Tom Sillwasher." No, my swarthy good looks were not incongruous.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You're not concerned that when said quickly, that sounds a lot like "You're a tool"?

Chichikovovich July 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

To judge from Rebecca's advice – which seems like quality counsel to me – especially #3, a success-minded male stripper should call himself Tango Vampire.

fartknocker July 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Mine would be Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Love Machine

starfanglednut July 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Ew.

DrunkIrishman July 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You could jiggle your goods in a woman's face, rip off a pubic hair and then place it on her nose. A memento of sorts.

SoBeach July 6, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I could call myself something like Hugh Jorgan but we're talking about stripping, right? At some point they're going to figure out they've been sold the sizzle and not the steak.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:27 pm

You have to leave them with some illusion. I recommend leaving the codpiece on.

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

The more you know…

Barb July 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Strip strip hooray!

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

My agent wanted me in that movie but the producers said I was too perfect for the role.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I told them the screen wasn't long enough

Veritas78 July 6, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Huh! It wasn't thick enough for me!

ElPinche July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

You don't have roid acne?

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

As a straight guy, I find this post very difficult to fap over.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Scroll up to the kitten-with-a-whip logo. Envision her taming the construction worker with the priapism.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You seem to have spent a disturbing amount of time figuring that out …

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

These pee points don't earn themselves.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Ah, someone who knows how to grow pness.

emmelemm July 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

… but not impossible.

Crank_Tango July 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

What do girls like to pay to be raped in their mouths, a friend wants to know?

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Not just good advice for strippers but advice for life.

MissTaken July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Also:

Here is a thing about porn, a secret that people do not want you to know: facials are super gross. Nobody likes it when they waggle their weenises in people’s faces.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Go on…..?

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

An old girlfriend of mine gifted her sixty-something Jewish mother with a day-spa gift cert. A couple weeks later the three of us were headed out for dinner and her mom was gushing about how wonderful the whole experience was and was describing it. When she got to the part about "And then they gave me this awesome facial" I could not help but busting out in gales of laughter. I certainly got some curious looks from the front seat.

MissTaken July 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Haha! I get the giggles whenever I book my monthly facial appointment. I even tell Soros, "I'm getting a facial tonight. NOT that kind of facial!!".

Honestly I worry about pubescent boys thinking that girls actually enjoy it from watching so much free pron on teh interwebs. There's probably a shit-ton of horny teenage boys trying to cum all over their girls' faces not understanding why the girls don't enjoy it the same as the porn stars.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I also like it during basketball games when some tall center slam dunks the ball over the defender and Marv Albert excitedly says "And O'Neal gives Robinson a facial!"

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

There's some entertainment forums I used to frequent where a lot of people, in discussing movie making, keep referring to "the DP". That always makes me laugh; and it was a long time before I finally found out what they were actually referring to.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Was he broadcasting in his lingerie?

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Yeah, we've talked about this before but there is so much that's common with porn that is so removed from real sex and personally I don't get. I never like seeing the guy spew all over the woman, and the way so many of them wear high heels while having sex just looks uncomfortable – not to mention an easy way to accidentally hurt their partner(s).

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Stiletto heels make for good handles.

Here, let me demonstrate….Oh, Miss Taken! May I borrow you for a few days?

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm always bothered by the faces women make in porn, esp. the weird faked grimaces where they gaze at the camera and curl their lips back from their teeth. Seeing that will literally kill my lady boner in a second flat. Show me two people (women, men, mixed, I don't care) who act like they have no idea they are being filmed, and I'm good.

starfanglednut July 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I think a lot of porn that a certain type of man finds arousing is in fact demeaning to women. I do not know a single woman that wants a man to slap her on the ass or cum all over her face.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Nobody likes it when they waggle their weenises in people’s faces.

SLOW DOWN, DAMMIT!

…in…people's…faces….

OK…anymore dating tips?

bnerd85 July 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Two words: Penis helicopter.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm

That's sort of foreplay for me, you see. I want to distract her when the roofies wear off.

Nostrildamus July 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Another great band name.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

This sounds … personal.

IncenseDebate July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I agree with everything but the weenie wagglin' part. I like it. –

Lindsey Graham

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

"BECAUSE GIRLS DON’T LOVE PAYING MONEY TO BE RAPED IN THEIR MOUTHS."

I find this fact disturbing.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

She's just met the wrong girls, my friend

Billmatic July 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I knew that neck smelling thing was a good idea.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I do it to find the carotid artery.

starfanglednut July 6, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Win!!!

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

But you have to wait until they're out of the dressing room at Saks. I found that out the hard way.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Try kissing, real softly, on that little bit of muscle/tendon that stretches from the base of her neck out to the shoulder, then kinda bite it.

Trust me on this one … :-)

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

You mean the muscle behind the ear that leads to the skull…gently kiss that. It's like the Vulcan Neck Pinch of Love.

Jus_Wonderin July 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Ah, this is how I eat smoked ribs.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

This is 100% true.

ElPinche July 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I'm so penisly confused. We went from waist band challenged Chris Christie immediately to Channing Tatortots .

MittBorg July 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Uh … so, BeccaLou, this is a movie review? Because I get a feeling there's not gonna be a whole Wonketz Movies Trip over this puppy.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"A girl’s boob set does not have pleasure receptors for having a butt on it."

Really?

Well then … that just ruined my weekend plans.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Maybe some German women feel differently? Based on the German porn that we used to carry in my X-rated video workplace (from way back when), you might try Berlin.

Nick July 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I've been following all of those pieces of advice my while life. Apparently I've been a male stripper for a while now.

rmjagg July 6, 2012 at 5:18 pm

the speedo wearing on all occasions may have given you away …

Nick July 6, 2012 at 8:54 pm

It does leave little to the imagination.

Oblios_Cap July 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

A girl’s boob set does not have pleasure receptors for having a butt on it.

You learn something new everyday.

Ain't life grand.

TribecaMike July 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Where I live, something like that costs a grand.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

My inbox was mouth-raped by both Mitt Romney and Jim Messina today.

Self-Uploader July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I had this stalker named "Joe" offering to "buy [me] a cup of coffee" if I gave him $141.00

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Well, maybe if your momma did dance and your daddy did rock n roll…

emmelemm July 6, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I actually get that!

Advn2rgirl July 6, 2012 at 6:30 pm

You're just about to move and you're thinking it's a breeze
There's a light in your eye and then a guy says, "Open the door, longhair!
Whooeee! You're coming with me!" and it's the police.

Bummer, that.

fuflans July 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

whatcha gonna do bro?

Jus_Wonderin July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

There was that one summer, after Dad passed, that Mom took us (the three boys) to strip class. She was forward looking, ya know.

All went well until we got to grind classes. I just couldn't bend like that. Sure, it could have been that accident at the well (my nickname for a time was Baby JWonderin') but really there was more to it. My heart just wasn't in it. Mom was like the Joan Crawford of Strip Moms and by the time I was 11…I had just had enough.

And, as much as I know I had to make my own decision, well…disappointing Mom was hard. She, of course, never forgave me.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Cool story, bro. Ever been to band camp?

La_Cieca July 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"Mom was like the Joan Crawford of Strip Moms and by the time I was 11… I had just had enough" is surely the best first line of a novel since "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Lascauxcaveman July 6, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Throw in some mild incest and trained bear, and I think you may revitalize John Irving's writing career.

emmelemm July 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Ha!

redarmyzombie July 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

…Is this too late for Anthony Weiner?

chascates July 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

And how do Republicans or the Tea Party figure into this?

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

They never, ever will.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

And the Palins, too.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You make rent and utilities on the stripper gigs. Your disposable income comes from being a rentboy.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Because they're dicks … ?

edgydrifter July 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

What next? Should we not go all Night at the Roxbury on the ladies when we're clubbing / at a wedding / in line at the airport? Once again, I have been badly misinformed by Hollywood.

Swampgas_Man July 6, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Apparently, Rom-Coms do not take into account real-world anti-stalking laws.

Canmon July 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This is bad news for Scott Brown.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Guys, the secret to taking the eeew out your sexy time dance is to include doing the dishes and laundry, cooking a nice meal and commenting whenever the ladies get their hair cut. Then your jiggling won’t seem so obnoxious.

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Thank you Alan Alda, for making the rest of us look bad.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I didn't say anything about me doing all that crap.

Mademoiselle Grumpe , if you're reading this just remember it is all in good fun and yes I will pick up dinner on the way home.
MG

starfanglednut July 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Awww…

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Wait a second — I do the dishes and the laundry all the time, and tell The Mrs how smoking hot she is every single day.*

And now you tell me that I'm supposed to get some fun sexxytime out of it?!?!

The Mrs and I are going to have quite a chat when I get home … well, and after I finish cleaning the dishes, of course.

(* That's because she is. )

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

…so a "nice meal" doesn't mean whipped cream and chocolate syrup?

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Needs moar pie.

And you know what I mean.

Extemporanus July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'm a dancer!

Franknflower July 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The Girl in the Gold Boots?

Extemporanus July 6, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Me? No…Nomi.

DemmeFatale July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The hardest I have ever laughed was at a male strip show.
The thing we thought was SO funny was their stupid antics and that they thought we liked it.
The weenie-wagging was particularly funny, (it makes me laugh now, to even think of it), as it made them all look about 5 years old.

teebob2000 July 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm

If their weenies made them look like 5 year olds, they need to find a different line of work.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Having worked in a blues bar that had a "male revue" once a week (the owner needed the money) and having been to several strip clubs in my younger days, there is a HUGE difference between the way men and women handle it.

For women, it's a good-time party — lots of screaming (the happy kind) and squealing (again, happy type) and laughing and just generally having a good time with it. They point and giggle and stuff dollar bills in the dudes' Speedos, and then most go out dancing or clubbing afterward.

Men, on the other hand, sit there staring as if they were studying airplane schematics for some vitally important test the next day. No happy screams or squeals or even clapping. Just … staring and tossing money on stage during, and lots of staring (at pr0n) and tossing (off, usually) afterward.

Just very, very different views of the purpose of strippers, I guess …

OneYieldRegular July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Er…this isn't a preview of the Wonkette drinky thingy coming to a town near you, is it?

Jus_Wonderin July 6, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Dammit! You figured the Dallas "surprise" even before I had decided on my costume.

Okay, since you know. Traffic Cop or IT Guy?

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

No one ever buys the IT Traffic Cop

*tossing away business plan*

JustPixelz July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Are you listening Repubicans? Rebecca is telling you how to act toward women voters. (She didn't say "no vaginal probes" because for most humans that goes without saying.) Now, remember her nom de guerre sur des femmes is "commie girl". You're cool with obeying a commie, right?

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So, Levi Johnston was at this party you attended, Rebecca? I hope you weren't drinking wine coolers.

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Honestly I don't get the female stripping either. I was in a strip club 3 times in life (once to deliver a pizza and the other 2 times because I had to take clients there). Baconz buys his peanuts with the shells. They taste better because you have to put in some effort into it. Having a woman stuff her titties in my face for money just doesn't seem right. I'd rather take her to a museum, or on a nice autumn walk in the park, pick her some wild flowers. Then have her take her shirt off so I can play with her fun bags. It's more rewarding when the ladies make ya try a little bit.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I don't think that the idea behind titty bars is for you to form a deep and lasting relationship.

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I tell the lil' lady (which makes her think I wierd) that I think she's the most attractive slobbing about in sweats and no make up on Sunday afternoons. The fact that she's so comfortable in our relationship to not put on any kind of airs and is relaxed is a bit of a turn on. Also, being in a serious relationship I've seen her vomit through her nose when she had the flu.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

You know the honeymoon is over when she comes in and takes a big steamy dump while you're shaving.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm

You know the honeymoon is over when she comes in and takes a big steamy dump while you're shaving.

… and you don't even bother to leave the bathroom.

Of course, if you think that's bad, just wait until she has your kid and you see what happens to/come out of her body … and to the floor … and the wall behind the doctor … and the doctor … and …

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Bah!

True love is when you hold her hair back.

IncenseDebate July 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I saw the movie where you delivered the pizza to the strip club!

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Having a woman stuff her titties in my face for money just doesn't seem right.

QUIT JUDGING ME!

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Thank gawd there's another straight male who doesn't like titty bars.

It's just … I dunno. I actually feel sad that those women have to do something like that just to make a decent living. (And given how many club owners rip off the dancers, that living isn't that decent. Yes, better than fast food or waiting tables in 90% of restaurants, but still not much.)

Most are dark and stinky, too.

For me, it's only when it's bachelor or other part related. Otherwise, no thanks.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I think I've been to a titty bar twice in my life.

And I'm sure for the third marriage, it will be a third time.

aklibtard July 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I don't know about that. My friend's girl was a stripper in college and she made a ton of money. There were night's when she'd come home with $1000. It was all cash too. She was really hot though. She probably made more than most strippers.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm

It depends a lot on the club (e.g., fully nude, or partial; lap dances or not; etc.) and the owners — some take only a small cut and depend more on bar revenue.

But there are many who take up to 50% of the tips. There was even a push amongst strippers to unionize, but not sure that ever made it very far.

It's a total ripoff, especially when one considers the price of baby powder (or whatever they use that creates that universal strip-bar smell).

Eve8Apples July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"Having a woman stuff her titties in my face for money just doesn't seem right. I'd rather take her to a museum, or on a nice autumn walk in the park, pick her some wild flowers."

Baconz's momma raised him right.

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Yeah as my mom always said "If you bring her flowers and treat her nice she'll fuck you crazy style"

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh bullshit! I've done that and she still threw that slut secretary of mine in my face.

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Hell, I've never been to a strip club; don't see the appeal of it really.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I haven't been to one in years. It's just so fucking depressing that these poor girls have to do this for a living. I dated a retired "dancer" for a couple of years, overall she was pretty well adjusted but ended up having to take a job as a lunch lady in a school cafeteria since her previous career didn't really prepare her for anything else once her youth started fleeing.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Seriously. I wouldn't go to the library to watch internet porn, and that's kind of how strip clubs seem to me except way more expensive.

Not_So_Much July 6, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm no expert, but I believe it's the anonymous nekkid womens all named 'Cinnamon'.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Karamel.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm….*sigh*

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I went one time, and only because a male companion (who wasn't one much longer after this!) went there to get child support from his kid's mother. Other than the fact that he used to (apparently) eff a stripper, I felt queasy just being on premises.

And if you think it's kinda creepy to schtup someone whose job is to make themselves accessible, it doesn't take long to realize I didn't want his friendship.

Eve8Apples July 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"I've never been to a strip club"

WONKETTE FIELD TRIP!

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Strictly for research, of course.

NellCote71 July 6, 2012 at 4:13 pm

ISWYD.

viennawoods13 July 6, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I went to one with husband and another couple the month after I turned 50- bucket list sorta thing. I was more interested in crowd watching- the strippers themselves, with one exception, were just going through the motions. Interesting to see the sort of people who go there- and it was a skeevy one, too. I'm not interested in going back, but I can say now, I have been to a strip club.

Nostrildamus July 6, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Guppy July 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yeah, save second base for the parking lot of said museum.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

You're just saying this to get laid.

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Maybe…..

starfanglednut July 6, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Call me crazy, but it helps to be in love too.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Hey, now! I love myself, but you don't see me having sex with myself!

Unless, masturbation counts. Does it?

UW8316154 July 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm

What kind of clients do you have that taking them to a strip club would be appropriate, not once but twice?

Baconzgood July 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I'm in sales.

coolhandnuke July 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

My girlfriend went to a bachelorette party at some bar with the cliche male strippers. She was hungry and ordered some fish 'n' chips. She found a cod piece in her fish 'n' chips platter.
True story.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Cod are becoming pretty scarce, they've been considerably overfished; your girlfriend should consider herself lucky!

coolhandnuke July 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

But she said this fruit de mer smelled like Axe.

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

They put the Axe in there on porpoise.

rickmaci July 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

She should have tried the hell-a-butt.

C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Appalling. I just don't understand what's happening to a merkin society these days.

IncenseDebate July 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

As in baseball, placement and movement matters more than size. I tell myself that.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"It's not the horsepower of the car, but the skill of the driver," I always tell myself.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Any woman, if honest, will tell you that size does, in fact, count.

And if they say otherwise, then … well, sorry, but you most likely have a small penis.

shortsandpants July 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

It isn't too great when female strippers slap their balls in your face, either. Let's be fair.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I think you're going to the wrong strip clubs.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I see you've been to Singapore.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm

One night in Bangkok, I'd say.

bnerd85 July 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

As a radical gaymosexual, I can confirm that I do not like sweaty, acne roid ass anywhere near me…..

MissTaken July 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm

In college I knew a few guys who would hang out in the parking lot outside the local bar on Ladies Night, complete with a Male Dance Revue until 10pm. These goofy guys thought the ladies would come out of the bar all horny and ready to bang. Never worked.

This is why.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Ready to point and laugh seems more likely.

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I hate it when Wonkette gets all sexist. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I'm not valued here as a person.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Yup, its humiliating to be treated as a piece of meat, just an assortment of sexy parts to be groped and pawed at.

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

BECAUSE GIRLS DON’T LOVE PAYING MONEY TO BE RAPED IN THEIR MOUTHS.

::sigh:: Back to Monster.com again, I guess.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The continued existence of "male stripper" as a viable profession is somewhat bemusing to me, given it's a mostly visual show and most women say their sexuality is mostly nonvisual, and given what they have to look at, I can understand why.

pinkocommi July 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Male Stripper Rule #6: If you are a Republican, don't strip.

It's bad enough we have to put up with your terrible personality. Nobody wants to see your man boobs.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Boys and girls are different!

Extemporanus July 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm
C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Finally! A post where I can post Gratuitious pictures of BALLS!

More BALLS!

Dangling BALLS!

BALL DIVING! and

Everything you ever wanted to know about BALLS but were afraid to ask.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

There's an old AC/DC song that's just made for you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W-fIn2QZgg

TribecaMike July 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm
C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

The girls are all happy, 'cuz the BIG BALL'S in town

I love this.

Great BALLS of Fire!

prommie July 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Humph. Sounds like our resident possibly man-hating lesbo-feminist is having her time of the month!

Doktor Zoom July 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Wait, who is this "Cunning Tauntaun" person, now?

Extemporanus July 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"And I thought he smelled bad on the outside."

viennawoods13 July 6, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Best Han Solo line ever.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 6:49 pm

They're split up the middle.

WhatTheHeck July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I’m not amused; mainly because I’m about to go to lunch and lunch and stripping walk a fine line.

Eve8Apples July 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Here's my advice for male strippers:

1. Keep your clothes on.
2. Keep your genitals out of my face.
3. Get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. And I could use a refill of my martini. Please wash your hands first. God only knows where they've been.
4. My car could use an oil change and a wash. Hop to it cowboy.
5. Put those muscles to good use by moving some furniture and vacuuming underneath it.
6. And before you leave, take out the trash and walk the dog.
Thank you. Your money is on the night stand.

emmelemm July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Pretty much.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Be right over!

What? I'm not proud.

Eve8Apples July 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm

How much do you charge?

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Charge?

mavenmaven July 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Somehow in Vegas they make money off of these male stripper "revues", so go figure. Someone is paying for this "entertainment".

AncienReggie July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

This may not be the norm, but female strips shows are pretty weird too also.

I'm (well, was) mainly absorbed with embarrassment for the women and struck by what seems the very opposite of sex. This may be because I knew a couple of women, outside their show business lives, who were "dancers." Very humanizing.

Funniest strip joint moment for me was years (and years) ago at a titty bar during work hours. This novice "stripper" apparently right out of high school was doing — I am not making this up — her majorette routine, but sans baton. I actually approached her afterwards to ask, and she admitted having been a majorette in school. I tried to suggest improvements to her act, but that seemed to hurt her feelings. I can only hoped she found another career.

Jus_Wonderin July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Oh, wait, I get it; I think. The pole he has there is a stand-in, a meatphor for his strength and powess????

Biel_ze_Bubba July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

So much I'm missing . . . and with ever-fewer regrets.

rickmaci July 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I pretty much got it for all the stuff on the list but for the life of me I can not figure out what the hell this is:

"Stop jackrabbiting your pee-pee about."

The mind boggles.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Jackrabbiting is where you bounced your junk up and down. The effect ends up being more comical than sexy.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm

The effect ends up being more comical than sexy.

Isn't this true of all male stripper moves?

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Yes, and I think that's largely the point of male strippers.

HistoriCat July 6, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Some of the ladies I used to work with made a couple excursions over to the local male strip club – their big complaint was that the old women would shove everyone out of the way to rub up against the strippers. Maybe the comedy fades away when you hit the Social Security years …

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Now this explains why I was so unsuccessfull getting a date to the Sr. prom.

Gopherit July 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

As long as penis slaps are still okay…..

BloviateMe July 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I find this dismissive attitude towards weiner wagging unsettling.

rickmaci July 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Sorry. Every time I look at the photo with this string, in the back of my head I can hear the Village People singing. "Y-eM-Cee-Ayyy." And then I start LMFHO to the point the guy in the office next door is banging on the common wall.

C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Really, I don't know anyone who enjoys getting tentacles all up in their faces.
What? Oh, you meant testicles!?

never mind.

rickmaci July 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm

It's a GOTeaP thing.

C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Really!? I had no idea that the Baggers were into Tentacle Porn.

Never judge a book by it's cover.

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Well you could have meant tentacles, if we're dealing with Japanese hentai cartoon porn.

C_R_Eature July 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm

That's true. I've seen enough hentai to know that no one seems to be enjoying Tentacles in their faces – or other places – either.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 4:17 pm

But strangely there's a paying audience for watching cartoons not enjoy having tentacles all up in their places.

sati_demise July 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

From experience:

6. Do not bite the women.

that is all, the end.

neiltheblaze July 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm

What was he, Klingon?

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Ha! Meatphor.

RevJuanMessycan July 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

True story (but then, this was in Portlandia, and you know our sinful ways, especially us with teh ghey) – I would regularly eat my lunch at a downtown strip bar because it had a great taquería attached, and my best friend (now an Indian Affairs attorney, Reed College hippie) and I could sit and talk over our meals with little chance to run into clients (he was in IT then and I in immigration law).

Fuck Toad July 6, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Mary's? El Grillo?

RevJuanMessycan July 6, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Gee, however did you know???

fuflans July 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm

channing tatum may be an a-lister but that doesn't make it any safer for work.

An_Outhouse July 6, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I was afraid this was going to be another Chris Christie post.

WIDTAP July 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Rebecca says, "You're doing it wrong!"

Tundra Grifter July 6, 2012 at 7:37 pm

"He said he wanted to make love to her in the worst way.

"And then he did."

Guppy July 6, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I shall ask the question that apparently nobody has asked in two page's worth of comments:

What about teabagging?

Toomush_Infer July 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Okay, ladies, you've convinced me: you'll have to do all the stipping from now on….I wasn't so hot at it, even in my day….

sbj1964 July 6, 2012 at 4:17 pm

The life of a male stripper is a hard life.Women treating you like a piece of eye candy,touching you.Making you feel like a piece of meat.Stuffing money in your thong,and talking filthy! Where do I sign up?

NYNYNYjr July 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I like women, but I don't like strippers or strip clubs…I just don't get it. I think maybe it's partly the type of women and partly the idea of being in the presence of other men.

TribecaMike July 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Steven Soderbergh has made some good flicks, including the sadly overlooked "The Informant!' in 2009, but c'mon, Matthew McConaughey? Just copying and pasting his name from imdb creeps me out.

Speaking of movies, I saw Moonrise Kingdom this morning and highly recommend that you do likewise. Lots of silly sweet fun.

neiltheblaze July 6, 2012 at 6:07 pm

It sounds like a fun place to heckle, though.

"That explains your sports car!!"

josephbrill July 6, 2012 at 6:24 pm

In Homoland, the comment "You should be a stripper" falls in between "You should be a model" and "You should sing at a piano bar."

If a fellow gay tells you you should be a model, it's a judgement of your face, body, BMI, and perceived vacuity / vapidity (I always get those mixed up and the guys who use these words are always fat, bald, sober, and ugly).

If he tells you that you should be a stripper, it means you have a 'butter face' – perfect body, but fugly face. It also means he hopes you're a whore – most strippers make money tricking on the side.

If the asshole says you're 'Cabaret Hot' it means that you look good from far away, in a dark place, where old people drink to oblivion while singing off-key.

What does any of this have to do with pleasing womenfolk customers? All men – straight or gay – love interacting with boobies(science fact). Anyone bouncing his ass on your tits is simply goofing off on the job.

valthemus July 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

One great thing about being a gay male is that women tell you secret stuff. I've been telling straight men for ages that those half-naked muscle-flexing pics they put on their Match.com profiles are probably hurting more than they're helping.

"There were a couple of old gay fellows at the party.
'You’re gay!' said we. 'Do you like that?'
The old gay fellows did not like it either."

I'm almost positive those old gay fellows were lying.

Tundra Grifter July 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

House Rules for the San Francisco Wonkette Party:

1. Don’t put your butt in people’s faces.
2. Stop jackrabbiting your pee-pee about.
3. Here’s an idea! Instead of sitting the girl in a chair, make her stand up, and then sort of sway at her and smell her neck a bunch, real slow-like.
4. You could even put her hand on your pectorals!
5. Probably leave most of your clothes on.

And also try to be more attractive.

Tundra Grifter July 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Worst use of a big stick since Buford Pusser.

UW8316154 July 6, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Some guy wants to be sexy and turn me on? How about this. Have a job, own a car, pay your bills, and know how to make a good stiff drink. Understand basic body maintenance, don't be a prick and have a charitable heart.

And the neck kissing thing, also, too…..

gullywompr July 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Sigh. Would you settle for someone that knows how to speak Klingon?

ttommyunger July 7, 2012 at 8:16 am

Hmmmm. Sounds to me like somebody needed moar drinks…

DocChaos July 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Well excuse me for being old-fashioned, but when did sex start being about what women want?

gullywompr July 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Since Genesis, book 3.

blatherous July 7, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I new to this country. What is this "jackrabbiting" that Rebecca speaks of?

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Oh, Director of Photography. Took me a minute.

NellCote71 July 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

You guys are SO good!

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I was trying to think of a respectful and loving way of saying that.

So thank you for showing me the foolishness of my attempt!

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

It squirted out on my sleeve. Nothing like a liquid hitting you especially when it's body temp.

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Remind me to schedule that vasectomy soon.

SoBeach July 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It's the 100% fake everything that ruins it for me. Fake hair, botched fake boobs, long fake nails, fake tans…you name it, it's fake. Like watching semi-conscious mannequins. Ew.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm

And perhaps most significantly, fake enjoyment.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Yes, OMG, the NAILS. Especially during lesbian scenes. I've been with women, and I would never have let a set of fake (or real) long nails come within a mile of my lady parts.

Designer_Radio July 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I can't watch the big, round globes stretched too-tautly under skin that never wanted them. Even the tiniest titties are a thousand times sexier than The Globes.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

There are entire genres of porn that appear entirely devoted to humiliating women. I find that disturbing.

anniegetyerfun July 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I don't mind a good ass-slapping every now and again, but then, there's something very very wrong with me.

ETA: The ass-slapping CANNOT be random. It has to have a very dedicated purpose and cannot be accompanied by phrases like "Who's your daddy?"

SoBeach July 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I do not know a single woman that wants a man to slap her on the ass…

I um, have a friend who has known a few who enjoy both the slap AND the tickle.

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You'd be surprised.

Why do you think "50 Shades" is so popular?

SherlockHomey July 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I've had several women order me to slap their ass, often followed by "harder." I've had other requests for things I think are slightly demeaning, but I comply because I aim to please. Eventually I figured most women want these things but are afraid to ask, so I'll sort of work them in gently.
The vast majority of the time I get an enthusiastic response. Is my experience really so far outside the norm? Now I'm worried . . .

aklibtard July 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm

In real life it's not any good for guys either. I had a girl ask me to do the facial thing. I found out that if you're going to finish by jerking off anyway, then you might as well just skip paying for dinner, and jerk off alone.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm

It's all about the power.

That's it. Pure. Power.

As far as ass slapping goes, well … a good wife spanking every now and then can be quite a good time.

Just make sure the wife clears it first.

sullivanst July 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

When we're good, we're very good. When we're bad, we're better.

UnholyMoses July 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Quite frankly, the fact I still put my face anywhere near that area shows how much I truly love my wife …

actor212 July 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I'm afraid I'm not quite taking your imagery here. Do you have photos to share? Preferably in high resolution.

Limeylizzie July 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I love a good ass-slapping, but in my case, natch, it must be accompanied by a Waffen SS uniform, worn by a fiendishly attractive German with a sabre scar on one cheek, his not mine, and I am wearing vintage underwear that has been pulled down and left at my feet. You know, the usual.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 6:39 pm

You mean the ones that look like a pair of toilet plungers with the handles removed?

gullywompr July 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm

And a reasonable attachment point for the ropes.

gullywompr July 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Naw mang.

Spurning Beer July 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm

The money shot!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: