goodbye fortress america

Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!

Competitive indeedWhatta we got in the local clip ‘n’ save today? “Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive at the end of the month that would take him to five countries over three continents…” HMMMMM. You have to wait until you *win* the presidential election to launch world war, dingus. And then it’s perfectly acceptable. But maybe the rules are different for Republicans. What nations shall Mitt Romney delight with his arsenal of good humor, competitive sport, and decline?

The tour starts in the rogue state of England, where Mitt Romney will challenge the war-torn autocracy to begin the long march towards democratic reform. (And perhaps secure a handsie from the queen? He’ll settle for Prince Charles, if necessary.)

The presumptive GOP nominee then is slated to travel to London for the start of the Olympics and to give a speech in Great Britain on U.S. foreign policy.

Next he would meet with our other Greatest Ally of All Time, Israel, and maybe even throw in a handshake with the leader of Israel’s own Mexican-y Others.

Romney next would fly to Israel for a series of meetings and appearances with key Israeli and Palestinian officials.

Then a quick stop in the heart of Nazi Germany and hey, don’t forget about Poland:

Then, under the plan being considered, he would return to Europe for a stop in Germany and a public address in Poland, a steadfast American ally during the Bush years and a country that shares Romney’s wariness toward Russia.

Stay away from those bullets, though:

Romney officials had considered a stop in Afghanistan on the journey, but that’s now unlikely.

Your Wonkette hopes he goes through with this. A Mitt Romney Global Tour would be comedy gold! “Hello, little Arab boy, have a Werther’s candy — but don’t tell your mother” etc etc.

[Politico]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Texan_Bulldog

    If Mitt did stop in Afghanistan, it would be the closest any Romney male has been to combat.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, that would be the case if he visited Fort Hood.

      • rickmaci

        Or Fort Collins.

        • noodlesalad

          Or the south side of Chicago.

          • C_R_Eature

            In the baddest part of town.

          • Chichikovovich

            If he did that he'd look like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone.

          • C_R_Eature

            It's to be expected when you insist on messing around with Slim.

    • Terry

      Now, now. His Mexican relatives probably did fortify the compound at a couple of points of time to avoid unrest among the local population.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Most of the time, Mormans have directed their "massacring" towards Christians, not Muslims.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Not true. Romneys were at the forefront of all the following major battles:
      1. the Mountain Meadows Massacre.
      2. several skirmishes in the Utah War.
      3. the fight to save Joseph Smith from castration following the time JS was caught with a really young chick of a local family in Illinois.
      4. the Lafferty insurrection against liberalized women (See Krakauer, Jon, Under the Banner of Heaven).
      5. Ruby Ridge (oops) Different western separatist wackos.
      6. Black Monday 1987 (Mitt even has a scar on his forearm from that one)

  • metamarcisf

    That trip to England will Romney's first opportunity to introduce his inbred- dumbass sons to the Prince's inbred, dumbass sons.

    • rickmaci

      There are still a bunch of in bred ass Romneys running around in eastern England today. Even have their own town.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I thought the tea partiers were rather anti-England.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Yeah, he's just going to rub it in that we kicked their asses. And by we I mean other people.

    • rickmaci

      No, that's the other guys, the real ones who dressed up like "Indians."

    • RevJuanMessycan

      That's if they knew any history or geography. I believe for modern 'baggers "England" refers to the New one (newer's always better, right 'Murkans?), just like South America means Florida and the Middle East what us Wonkers would refer to as "DC Metro" (It IS in the middle of the Eastern seaboard, kinda, no?)

  • Barb

    Ann Romney will get along great with Camilla. They are both stay-at-home moms.

    • Nostrildamus

      Ann might take a turn in the saddle as well.

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        ISWYDT! "Ride her hard and put'er up wet!"

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    "The presumptive GOP nominee then is slated to travel to London for the start of the Olympics and to give a speech in Great Britain on U.S. foreign policy."

    Ah, fuck it. Let's just have two Presidents and end all this electioning and shit.

    • Terry

      So, whatever happened to the idea of politics ending at the border?

    • Chichikovovich

      Presidential candidates do give speeches abroad. I doubt that Romney will receive anything close to the ecstatic reception that Obama got
      <a http="www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jul/24/uselections2008.barackobama" > in Germany but Obama did do the tour too.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Holey Moroni! I hope they check to see if there are any solar flares predicted during his trip. We wouldn't want WillardBot to crash overseas, away from the factory.

    Hamas may try to take him out with an EMP.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Robotic politicians do NOT stop at the water's edge.

  • Goonemeritus

    The England trip is just cover so he can see his wife’s horse compete in the Olympics. Every other stop on his agenda is an apology tour, Germany for being on the wrong side in WII, Israel for not Nuking Iran yet and Poland cause you know….

    • rickmaci

      And you don't think he is going to make a side trip to visit his Swiss money?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He can do his Uncle Scrooge Money Swim.

    • RevJuanMessycan

      Poland cause you know…
      Polish jokes 1910-1984? (After that we knew they weren't jokes.)

    • PubOption

      Trying to win in Chicago!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Forgive me, I don't think I am a cynical man. However, isn't this going to cost gazzillonbity bucks in Secret Service protection. Yes, that's it. Gazzillonbity buck. I read it on the internet.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe the Secret Service detail can line up some hot Polish pussy back at the hotel while they are there.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Since it's a Republican's trip, I'm guessing hot Polish sausage, AMIRITE???

    • metamarcisf

      The correct figure, according to my source in Minnesota, is $200 million per day.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Phileas Fogg.

  • SexySmurf

    You know who else gave a campaign speech in Germany?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Merkel?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Eric Von Weinerschneitzel?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Eric Von Zipper?
        "Eric Von Zipper adores you. And when Eric Von Zipper adores somebody, they stay adored. "

        • TribecaMike

          "Show 'em the finger, babe."

    • UnholyMoses

      Ronald Reagan?

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        The Von Trapp family?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Reagan, at the Bitburg SS cemetery?

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        in fairness, all the graves had crosses, so how the hell was reagan supposed to know they weren't jews!!!/!??!111!??

    • C_R_Eature

      A donut?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        I believe that was a Hamburger.

        • C_R_Eature

          Would have been, but the Hamburglar got to it first.

    • An_Outhouse

      Barry? and a lot of people showed up for it. I wonder if Mittens has the balls to attempt it. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jul/24/usele

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        The difference will be as stark as Barry crooning some Al Green while MomJeans Mittens half-stroked out to an off-key rendition of America the Beautiful.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      The USAAF Eighth Air Force?

    • RevJuanMessycan

      All of them, Katie.

    • redarmyzombie

      Kaiser Wilhelm II?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    He really should spend some time in Somalia and get some ideas for getting the government out of the way of the job creators.

  • Nostrildamus

    Revised itinerary:
    Caymans: visit loved ones
    Switzerland: ditto
    Monaco: say farewell to loved ones
    BeloRus: visit the White Russians
    Spain: visit the birthplace of mayonnaise

  • RedneckMuslin

    You know who else came from Germany and gave a public address in Poland?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Tokio Hotel?

    • C_R_Eature

      Two "You know who else's" in a single Post! WOOHOO!!

    • C_R_Eature

      Krampus?

    • jodyleek

      Scorpions?

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      Burgermeister Meisterburger?

  • Not_So_Much

    He should take Lindsey Graham along since he knows so much about war. And seamen.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Is he going to knocking on doors and handing out literature?

    • Extemporanus

      Pssst! Europe!

      Pretend like you're not home!

      • Vecchiojohn

        Can't stop giggling.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I just hope they don't let him drive.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        He's murderous behind the wheel.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      Will he be visiting Planet Kolob?

    • Baconzgood

      Come back later, I'm watching my program/just got out of the shower (won't work for France or Italy)/I'd love to talk but I'm waiting for an important phone call.

      Of course once, when I was on a stay at home vacation they came to my door. I was bored so I invited them in for some lemon aid. When they came in and sat down I shut the door and latched the dead bolt then looked over my shoulder and sneered at them. They couldn't leave my house quick enough.

  • Billmatic

    Mitt Romney's foreign policy will only recognize white countries as legitimate.

  • ttommyunger

    "American FuckStick Visits Foreign FuckSticks!" FIXED!

  • Extemporanus

    I hope that SkyMall's fully stocked.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Do they have those on Air Force None?

      • Extemporanus

        Yeah, but they're really hard to order from because the pages are usually all stuck together.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It's entirely possible that the only thing Mitt Romney doesn't own yet is the SkyMall faux-ceramic statue of Bat Boy crawling out of his garden.

      • Extemporanus

        His backyard looks like a day care center run by Medusa.

  • Baconzgood

    I've been racking my brain for a "Tag" to this like:

    Mitt Tour 2012: Morman the way you want it
    or
    Romney around the World: Dogs on Roof '12

    But I just can't flush it out.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Mitt Tour 2012: Of course you have suffered enough, but I'm here to talk about me"?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    And Mitt, please don't embarrass us like W did whenever he went overseas.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      So many backs to rub. So little time.

      • comrad_darkness

        So many forced haircuts to give, so little time.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Yeah but won't Fox News make fun of him like they did to Obama when he did the exact same thing in 2008?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Absolutely!!!

    • C_R_Eature

      Nope.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if he'll tell the Israelis that his Jesus is better than their Jesus.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Of course his Jesus is better. His Jesus was American.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        He helped build the president's estate.

  • Schmannnity

    If he is going to England, he should take Scott Brown so he can hobnob with all the Kings and Queens.

    • RedneckMuslin

      I heard Scotty can really hob a knob.

    • C_R_Eature

      Is Marcus Bachmann going along too?

  • rickmaci

    FauxNews has called the election. Romoney is now the Faux Commander in Chief.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    There's a small glitch with that plan… Non US Amercians can't vote for Mittens.

    • SoBeach

      No, but they can sure find a way to contribute millions to the superpacs.

    • RevJuanMessycan

      Shhhh, don't tell his campaign that. Bro.

  • Baconzgood

    English are people too my friend.

    • Limeylizzie

      Thanks, Baconz.

    • DahBoner

      SPEAK LOUDER

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Will he have to offer customary greetings in any of these locations? Oh please, please get some vids of him bowing to foreign leaders.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      NO APOLOBluurrppuuuke!*

      *Hoping to see Mitt go on an Apology Tour culminating in his puking on the Japanese Prime Minister's dinner table

    • An_Outhouse

      bowing, holding hands, and kissing : the trifecta!

  • SoBeach

    Can't wait to see the negative campaign ads the superpacs air with the money this trip will generate.

    Life is going to be good for broadcasters over the next four months. With that much money getting spent on finite air-time we're going to see networks charging Super Bowl rates for ads running during third rate sit-coms.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, at least he has a passport, unlike, well, you know.

  • C_R_Eature

    There is precedent for this. We send automated Drones overseas all the time, now.

  • edgydrifter

    You know, a shared feeling of uneasiness about a Mormon head of state in the US might be the thing that finally brings the Israelis and Palestinians together. Khaled and Shimon might hate each other, but they both agree that basing your faith on what some dude says he saw at the bottom of a top hat is craaaazy blasphemy.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Dude, let's sign this peace agreement or that fucker is going to come back and tell us about the magic underpants again."

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Wait until Obama gets back from France! He will be really mad about this!

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt isn't personally going to bomb China on his tour? RINO!!!!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    “Hello, little Arab boy, grab my ass for hilarious comic effect — but don’t tell your mother”

  • Dildeaux

    Just go to fucking Israel five times and call it a success.

  • cheetojeebus

    So, is he just going to stroll across the sea floor or do they pack him up in nice Halliburton style crates? All rounded corners and polished stainless steel?

    • C_R_Eature

      He's going to fly, of course! Haven't you seen Iron Man?

  • Graham Cracker

    He will cancel this tour just as soon as he realizes that the people in these countries can't vote in the American election.

    Of course, he won't realize this until November 7th.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I can see Mittens rising to new heights of awkwardness and smugness on this trip, it ought to be fun.

    • Baconzgood

      "big deal, so your a prince. I'm a robber baron"

      • BlueStateLibel

        "Is that a hat you're wearing, or my dressage horse's feedbag?"

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      The woof, the woof, the woof is on fire…

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    When does he play Budokan? I'd get tickets to that.

    • An_Outhouse

      I'll wait for the bootleg.

  • C_R_Eature

    This has "Embarrassing Gaffe of the Day" written all over it.

    • Barb

      Mitt thinks that he has quite the sense of humor. I am hoping that he will ask Prince Phillip if he ever farts in bed and holds Elizabeth's head under the sheets. Yeah, they'll like that.

      • C_R_Eature

        Ha! Good one. You know he'll say something stupid, like "Hey, you guys are really Germans, right? How'd you get this ruling England gig?"

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      This nice thing is that they're a few hours ahead of us so we'll be waking up to hilarious stories.

      • C_R_Eature

        Excellent. I like a little schadenfreude with my coffee in the morning.

  • fartknocker

    From a bumper sticker I read in South Austin yesterday:

    I do not support the next war.

  • An_Outhouse

    "Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive"

    Everything Mittens does is offensive.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Romney's 'Show Me The Money' World Tour will follow right after, stopping in: Cayman Islands, Zurich, London, Monaco, Luxemborg, Bermuda.

    • RevJuanMessycan

      "Show me MY money" /fixed

  • Eve8Apples

    How about stopping in Italy to pick-up some souvenir Maseratis, Lamborghinis, and Ferraris? The garage in the La Jolla castle could use some new decorations.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Each of these countries are SOCIALIST

  • IncenseDebate

    The family dog went into hiding on the news.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Rutt Ro"

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Romney officials had considered a stop in Afghanistan on the journey, but that’s now unlikely.

    Doesn't want to be seen colluding with fanatical polygamist crazy mountain people.

  • Eve8Apples

    Maybe he will finally learn something about how to adopt a successful health care plan by visiting countries which have adopted single payer government plans.

    • Puffperney

      Ich bin nicht optimistisch.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Maybe Mitts kids can get together with Harry and William and the young Princes can explain what military service and devotion to country is all about. Mitt didn't have the time or experience.

    • Puffperney

      Excellent point! At least their inbreds have some understanding of service to country or, at least, a sense of shame that prevents them from not serving.

      • Chichikovovich

        Well, Harry and William have it easy: Mitt's kids are making the Supreme Sacrifice of helping get their father elected, which is a superior form of service. Since Liz II is a hereditary monarch, Harry and William didn't need to do all that. So they could take the easy option.

  • Chichikovovich

    Romney heading to Germany? Well it's about time! Angela Merkel's neck has been mighty sore for the last three years.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      'do not want' has to be right up there on my list of fav snark pictures.

      though to be fair, she'd probably welcome barry's massage.

  • ElPinche

    Obama killed Osama bin Laden and paralyzed one of the biggest terrorist organizations on Earth. I think that kind of trumps Mitt giving a speech in Britain on economics. Not sure what he's going to get out of this tour.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Duty-free on a Lamborghini and checking on their homes in the old country?

      • ElPinche

        haha..yeah, now that makes sense.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Major foreign policy offensive: ding dong!

    Let's see go to Israel and try to convert them, next go to Saudi Arabia and try to convert them, next go to Vatican and try to convert them.

    World tour in a nut-shell.

    • Chichikovovich

      Nah, it's easier to just wait until they're dead.

      [Which, with Mitt and his gaggle of Bush-retread neocons itching for war with Iran, may happen sooner than would otherwise be expected.]

  • mavenmaven

    I didn't know you could expense a review of your outsourcing sites as campaign financing.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I have always thought a practiced faux meltdown about anything (murdering a hooker) might work. Overwhelm them with woe that keeps them up that night.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Well, I just made a pilgrimage to Choom Gang HQ in Hawaii this morning to pay my respects to the real Commander in Chief.

  • Eve8Apples

    Meanwhile, Hopey is having the CIA update the Most Wanted Terrorist list and planning the drone attacks to make sure his foreign policy accomplishments upstage any visits Romney makes to fudge factories in Great Britain or Germany

  • widestanceromance

    Willard has to trash Europe over there so he doesn't have to trash Europe here.

    Really, Europe is among his favorite examples of awfulness, so how welcome does he expect he's gonna be? Oh, hell, he'll just brazenly trash us to them to show them the evil of their ways.

  • RevJuanMessycan

    Yes, I have overheard my Mor(m)on in-laws discussing how someone with "Hispanic outreach" should know about so and so. (They're particularly vulturey at highly emotional times – divorces, deaths, etc.

    I have once managed to strip and pour water on me to open the door in the all together claiming I was showering. They promised to return at a more convenient time even when I open the door wide and effusively invited them in.

  • sullivanst

    Prince Charles won't give Mitt a handsie, he has staff for that, but he might mistake Ann's dressage horse for Camilla…

    • PubOption

      or Princess Anne.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    This will be the funniest thing to happen to Europe since Germany conquered it.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      You're forgetting when the Griswolds went.

  • Dildeaux

    Will he wear the customary white shirt, black tie and backpack while riding his bicycle through nanny state Europe?

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Rmoney '12: Hey, AMERCIA, who needs nanny-state-ism when we have the church to tell us what to do?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    seriously? who the fuck would want to listen to mittens if you didn't have to?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Call me pedantic, but I counted just 4 countries and 2 continents.

    Also, saying "Romney officials had considered a stop in Afghanistan on the journey, but that’s now unlikely" is sort of like saying he's considering Michele Bachmann for the veep spot. The base loves to hear it, but everybody knows it was never true.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

    Poland, a steadfast American ally during the Bush years and a country that shares Romney’s wariness toward Russia.

    Really? They still call it the Soviet Union over there, too?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com ASHLEIGH_Joe

    You know who else launched a "major foreign policy offensive", in Poland?

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    WTF, that photo looks like it's out of Manos: The Hands of Fate.

  • AbandonHope

    Does somebody make a universal European power adapter to keep him charged?

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    there is a massive mormon temple just off the 5 @ in la jolla. it's all starting to make sense.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "Romney officials had considered a stop in Afghanistan on the journey, but that’s now unlikely."

    Too bad. I was hoping to see a picture of Mittens in a helmet uncomfortably posed on a tank.

  • DahBoner

    The dingus ate my baby!!!!