NOT THAT RAUL CASTRO  10:00 am July 6, 2012

Do Not Be Brown In Arizona Even If You Are The 96-Year-Old Former Governor, Obviously

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!And here is a fine how-de-ye-do, as word slips out of Arizona that Raul Castro, a 96-year-old former governor and ambassador to everywhere and apparently tyrannical dictator of Cuba as well, was detained by the Border Patrol in hundred-degree heat outside Nogales for being a nuclear terrorist.

Oh but he’d had a service done on his pacemaker the day before, and the first thing Border Patrol asked him, when faced with the fact that he’d set off their radiation alerts, was “have you like had a service done on your pacemaker lately, like perhaps the day before?” so it was almost as if they sort of knew that that was a possibility and maybe didn’t have to make him sit there in the heat for an hour on the way to his own 96th birthday party? This former Arizona governor and ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina? Who is 96? Sure, yeah, whatever. Dudes: total brown.

Anne Doan, who was driving the governor to his birthday luncheon, wrote in to Nogales International:

We were sent to secondary inspection and were asked to step out of the car. When they asked the governor to stand under the tent, I asked if he could remain seated in the air-conditioned car because it might be too hot for him. The agents said he could not and that they had a fan under the tent.

I explained to the agent he had undergone a medical treatment the previous day and it must be the solution that set off their system. They said he had to stay under the tent, in 100-degree hear, while dressed in a suit. They offered him a chair. I felt totally frustrated and I was worried about the governor.

I explained that he was a former governor and ambassador a true statesman and that he was 96 years old and that he shouldn’t have to be going through this. They knew it was the medical procedure that was coming us on their radar.

At that point I was begging them to leave him alone. They brought out a document for him to fill out and sign. They had a machine they ran up and down his body front and back. Finally they released us and as we were walking back to the car they stopped him and said they had to see his identification. We were standing out in the sun, by this time, and Gov. Castro reached for his identification and showed it to the agent, they registered the information they needed from his identification and they released us, again.

So we guess Ms. Doan thinks Gov. Castro should get some kind of special treatment and not have to sit under a hot tent for an hour on his way to his 96th birthday lunch, just because he is 96, and has a pacemaker, and is a former governor of the state. Perhaps Ms. Doan simply did not realize the governor has the surname of “Castro,” which is Mexican. Maybe she should remember that next time she gets so very het up about a little “papers please” between friends. [NogalesIntl, via Pocho]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 134 comments }

Come here a minute July 6, 2012 at 10:04 am

This is nothing compared to the time Joe Arpaio made former governor Che Guevara wear pink panties.

Terry July 6, 2012 at 10:04 am

Is that a recent photo of Gov. Castro? If so, he's looking awesome for 96 yrs old.

"So we guess Ms. Doan thinks Gov. Castro should get some kind of special treatment and not have to sit under a hot tent for an hour on his way to his 96th birthday lunch, just because he is 96, and has a pacemaker, and is a former governor of the state."

Don't forget that he was also ambassador to THREE countries.

chicken_thief July 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

But three furrin countries that no speaka da englese! How bout gettin a jerb in the private sector and hiring some folks (overseas) like Mitt did at Bain, commie Castro?!!!

Gratuitous World July 6, 2012 at 10:04 am

Your move, Ariz- oh ok, gotcha.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:05 am

96, huh? Was he the first governor of AZ?

Maman July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

Other nations revere their elders. We treat our like terrorists..

Allmighty_Manos July 6, 2012 at 10:23 am

unless you're zombie Reagan.

ChernobylSoup July 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

As well we should. Have you seen the way old people drive?

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

It's my turnsignal, damit, and I'll use it all I want.

Mittens Howell, III July 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

96 years old. Obviously a suicide bomber who failed to detonate.

WIDTAP July 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Who's to say the Governor wasn't trying to sneak in a nuclear bomb like the security machine said. He was radioactive, swarthy and had a foreign sounding name. Hell he could have easily been Muslim or Democrat as well!

sewollef July 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It's funny really, elderly people use their turn signals constantly and younger people don't use them at all.

What's up with that?

thatsitfortheother1 July 7, 2012 at 5:42 am

That's how you can tell an American driving in Europe. On the upside, if you buy a car from them, the turn signals aren't worn out…

ibwilliamsi July 6, 2012 at 11:26 am

They're eatin' up all the food, and usin' up all the doctors! Soylent Green!

ManchuCandidate July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

'Zona's motto: If they're white, be polite. If they're brown, lock'em down!

mavenmaven July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

"ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina"

That makes him a TRIPLE foreigner. Its a miracle the minutemen haven't shot up his house yet.

chascates July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

With a name like Castro . . .

Maman July 6, 2012 at 10:40 am

It has to be good!

gullywompr July 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Brown. It has to be brown

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

"ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina?"

"Salvador"? It's obvious why Rebecca lets her brother write the geography posts.

chascates July 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

John didn't get the art criticism gene either.

scvirginia July 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

If you add the 'El', it sounds even more foreign…

ETA: Besides what time is it where she is?

HistoriCat July 6, 2012 at 10:49 am

Sure it's only 7 in California but it sounds like she's an early riser ” thanks for a great night but I have a website to run – get out.”

ALIVE! July 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

Yeah, that should the "The Salvador." Duh.

Beowoof July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

He was lucky he wasn't deported back to Cuba; even though he never lived there.

Crank_Tango July 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

Name database match, and all that.

SoBeach July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

Nobody gets deported back to Cuba once they're on American soil. Them's the rules.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:44 am

Unless you're a Muslim.

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

Well what's the border patrol supposed to do, not torture a 96-year-old in the brutal Arizona heat?

Baconzgood July 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

Reason 10,256 I don't like AZ.

bflrtsplk July 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

Are there any reasons TO like Arizona?

scvirginia July 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

Gabby Gifford libel!

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

There are a couple of interesting geological features, which have nothing to do with the people of Arizona.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

Grand Canyon. And this is not a Governor Brewer reference.

kissawookiee July 6, 2012 at 10:51 am

Kissawookiee is the only reason you need. Well, the Barrio Brewing Company IPA doesn't hurt.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

See, there is this cherished legal tradition in our country, the presumption of immigrance, brown is illegal until proven legitimate.

Mittens Howell, III July 6, 2012 at 10:29 am

I love 'presumption of immigrance' it's the funniest thing I've read since I started this coffee!

Mittens Howell, III July 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

*cough*deathpanel*cough*

Beowoof July 6, 2012 at 10:10 am

Yeah a brown guy with a pacemaker, he must off stole the money to buy it from some hard working Murican.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

No, I'm sure he sponged it off the medicare.

Mittens Howell, III July 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

Could I see your pacemaker's papers, please?

Mittens Howell, III July 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

I thought Jan Brewer was Arizona's 96 year old Governor.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

She is.

Cato56 July 6, 2012 at 11:15 am

She's Arizona's governor with an IQ that's the square root of 96.

Nostrildamus July 6, 2012 at 1:04 pm

irrational?

FlownOver July 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

He could have avoided all this by self-deporting, couldn't he?

Barb July 6, 2012 at 10:12 am

No wonder our Governor, Susana Martinez never leaves the state.

horsedreamer_1 July 6, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Anchor baby.

DaniloTifoso July 6, 2012 at 10:12 am

It's embarrassing to be an amurikan. Thanks Arizona!

chicken_thief July 6, 2012 at 10:12 am

Hey, the border patrol didn't make him swim the Rio Grande this time. Get off their back!

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

Was Castro riding in a Convertible?

AddHomonym July 6, 2012 at 10:31 am

ISWYDT

Come here a minute July 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

Gov. Castro was not only born in Mexico, he came here to do a job Americans don't want to do (Governor of Arizona),

Crank_Tango July 6, 2012 at 10:18 am

To be fair, when he was born, AZ was still part of Mexico.

weejee July 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

Given all the hyperbole it contains, it is not surprising that homerland security follows hyperbolic geometry with an infinite number of überparallel lines of thought and practice.

Euclid weeps.

scvirginia July 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

They're so square
Baby, Euclid don't care…

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

Talk about putting the Cartesian before the horse.

metamarcisf July 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

Wait'll Jan Brewer turns 96.

weejee July 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

She's already brown, but with a Dennis Rodman doo.

SorosBot July 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

My god, her face already looks like it's made of leather, she'll be so wrinkled that she will look like Freddy Krueger by then.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

Ehem. Distressed leather.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

You mean she didn't yet?

arihaya July 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

Dude is lucky the Border Agents didn't offer him an exploding cigar

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:18 am

I'm kinda surprised that La Migra even knew about the pacemaker/radiation connection. Figured they'd just rip his car to shreds looking for a suitcase nuke.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:18 am

In other news of Arizona insanity, Gawker reports that a mom was arrested for pouring her toddler some beer in his sippy cup. Apparently she was eating pizza somewhere and had a pitcher of beer and the toddler was all "beer, beer, beer" as toddlers will do, so she poured some in his sippy cup, and some sobriety-for-all douchetard called the cops on her.

Man, who the fuck doesn't know that BABIES LOVE BEER? My parents taught me to fetch them beers just as soon as I could walk (PBRs, and this was the 60s and we were poor, it wasn't some hipster total bullshit affectation) and they would reward me with a sip when they opened it. And to this day, I guess I associate the cold, tingly, delicious taste and feel of a sip of beer with parental love and affection! And come on, isn't that great? I will never need a psychiatrist, I just need another 6-pack!

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:21 am

"some sobriety-for-all douchetard"

I think it's only coincidence that this happened in AZ; it could have happened in any state that has assholes in it, which is all of 'em.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

You're right, this is a nation of stick-up-the-ass prudes and finger-wagging moralizing puritans. You get drunk and nekkid in public and people act all horrified and shit and some cop has to show up and ruin the party. I do declare it is just a fact that every one of the best parties I ever was at ended with me drunk AND naked. And handcuffed, dammit.

FakaktaSouth July 6, 2012 at 10:33 am

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all these fantastic ideas for my birthday party tonight. The handcuffs don't actually have to be part of a real police thing, right?

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

Just make sure you don't forget the "safe" word.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

Apparently, if you find the right purveyor of novelty items, you can even get them with nice red velvet cushions attached, so as not to chafe your wrists!

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

The South sure seems to do decadence right. Now in my trade people talk of "due diligence" all the time, but I believe that what this world needs is less due diligence and more due decadence!

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

I was , uh, thinking of, uh, having a party tonight…

Biff July 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

How unAmercian is that? Alcohol is a time-honored tradition of quieting whiny babbies everywhere!

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

You wanna hear a worse story? Some few years back, there was a flight attendant on a transatlantic flight who, in my opinion, deserved a medal, but no, instead they fired him and arrested him. And for what? Well, there was one of those screaching babies on the flight, crying and screaming for hours and torturing the 100 closest passengers, as has happened to me on long flights. So, the flight attended crushed up half a xanax and put it in the tyke's milk. Shit, I wanted to hire him to be my kid's nannie.

Biff July 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

So did the babby snitch him out? Or did he just volunteer the information? Seriously fucked up, losing your job over a public service, almost as bad as the lifeguard in Floriduh…

Crank_Tango July 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

This is bad news for noted Panamanian, John McCain.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:26 am

Maybe some of Mitt's extended family could help him out of this jam.

MosesInvests July 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Isn't that *Juan* McCain?

Monsieur_Grumpe July 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

I think he needs to cut back on those Radium enemas.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

Don't we all.

Nostrildamus July 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Another great band name!

Texan_Bulldog July 6, 2012 at 10:23 am

I'm surprised they didn't water board him, too. #ArizonaFail

Allmighty_Manos July 6, 2012 at 10:25 am

Dear Arizona Republicans: if you hate Mexicans so much, WTF did you move next to Mexico?

scvirginia July 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

Yeah, no kidding- this is just like those folks who move into a neighborhood because it's convenient & then immediately start lobbying for a speed bump on their street…

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

Montana was already full.

SpeedoFart July 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Montana… Full?

I feel like Montana is one of those states that has more cows than people.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's like people that move into condos above bars and then make noise complaints.

Ducksworthy July 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

So if Raul Castro was once Governor of Arizona, is the infant mortality rate there 1/2 what it is in Nevada?

DerrickWildcat July 6, 2012 at 10:29 am

He looks like a sneaky magician.

Vecchiojohn July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

Sneaky MESCAN magician.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:40 am

Señor Wences' brother.

TribecaMike July 7, 2012 at 1:26 am

Palming a pacemaker should be a federal crime.

not that Raul Castro July 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

they had a fan under the tent.

Are they trying to convection cook him? "Here, Governor. Sit and enjoy this nice 125F wind."

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:48 am

No kiddin. He's already nicely browned.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

I wonder, did they have him submit to a full body cavity search too?

Read the guy's bio on Wiki, pretty impressive bootstrap story.

thatsitfortheother1 July 6, 2012 at 10:49 am

I hate to get all Am exceptionalism… but this is where you find it. Not in some slick kid governor's son.

johnnyzhivago July 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

They let him off easy, I'd say they should have demanded he turn over the plans for the Russian missile sites before offering him a chair.

Goonemeritus July 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

I heard one judge refer to justice Alito’s decent on the Arizona immigration case as muddled and “Neo-Confederate”. I laughed and laughed until I realized this guy isn’t a toothless raciest without any real power. Now I just feel hopeless.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Dissent. A descent involves going down, which is often decent.

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

Actually, I don't think this story should be filed under "Asshole, Arizona" nearly as much as it should be "Asshole, INS."

Ducksworthy July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

This gives me an idea, if and when I ever want to blow up the world: Stuff a nuke into the body cavity of a 96 year old man. I bet there's a lot of room in there what with all the shriveling.

not that Raul Castro July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

Imagine if some different half-term governor had been treated this way. We'd never hear the fucking end of it.

johnnyzhivago July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

Given that it was so hot, they could have at least offered to waterboard him while he was waiting.

elburritodeluxe July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

Border Patrol or Nobama's new Death Panel!?!

BaldarTFlagass July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

Ha ha, wait until the current residents of Arizona find out that they used to have a Mexican as their governor! Eyes melt, skin explodes!!!

Vecchiojohn July 6, 2012 at 10:52 am

Plus, he was ambassador to 3 countries where Mescan is the official language.

comrad_darkness July 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

How is that different from voting for Romney?

elviouslyqueer July 6, 2012 at 10:42 am

Attention Jan Brewer:

When border agents start profiling "persons who look like a constipated drag queen doing a sad imitation of Witchiepoo," you are in for some serious grief. Just sayin'.

Regards,

EQ

neiltheblaze July 6, 2012 at 10:51 am

They're just trying to protect us from bands of marauding 90-somethings coming after our Geritol supplies.

Seriously – these dick swinging little fascists think they're "protecting freedom". What is this shit? Mass sun-stroke?

Chow Yun Flat July 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

Illinois has a much better method of dealing with former governors: convict them and send them to prison (Blagojevich, Ryan, Walker, Kerner).

Biel_ze_Bubba July 6, 2012 at 12:21 pm

They should save a ton of time, trouble and money, and just make prison the default destination for governors leaving office.

rickmaci July 6, 2012 at 11:21 am

Apparently, even having his papers was not enough to please them. SMH.

Blueb4sunrise July 6, 2012 at 11:33 am

This is kinda old news .

friendlyskies July 6, 2012 at 11:35 am

Warning: pedantry ahead. But please, oh please, **EL** Salvador. El. Oliver Stone notwithstanding. Salvador is a very festive city in Brazil, but lacks the delicious and all-important pupusa.

fawkedifiknow July 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

Musta been that other Arizona that elected a guy named Castro to anything more important than dog catcher.

fuflans July 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

hope the supremes are watching…

a_pink_poodle July 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Obviously.

Antispandex July 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Count down until "Pacemaker Bomber" becomes a story on Fox News…..

ttommyunger July 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

We've come a long way, Baby…. Unfortunately, we're going backwards.

TribecaMike July 6, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Soy demasiado viejo para esta mierda.

thebeatgoeson July 6, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Yo también. El mundo se va al infierno.

TNlibtard July 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Arizona is the new Arkansas. The ignorance of the south is creeping westward.

FakaktaSouth July 6, 2012 at 10:47 am

Someone told me to look for mink ones, so PETA can suck it at the same time. I definitely enjoy decadence over diligence, but I can be diligently decadent. HEY the wonks got a tumblr, right? All y'all yanks need to see this shit. All I gotta figure out it what tumblr is now exactly…

prommie July 6, 2012 at 10:56 am

Now see, thats what I mean by the decadence, mink handcuffs! I tried to be over the top, and all I could come up with was red velvet.

mrpuma2u July 6, 2012 at 11:16 am

Make sure to use the endangered rhino hide flogger!

FakaktaSouth July 6, 2012 at 10:59 am

See, you say red velvet and I'm thinking cake. I want that now too. Or Strawberry Shortcake, or just any fucking cake. I really like that stuff. I'll just have to not get any on my mink handcuffs, it'll get em all sticky.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 11:01 am

Someone wants to be the girl with the most cake.

FakaktaSouth July 6, 2012 at 11:11 am

Oh my god I so totally listened to that cd last night in a bar parking lot. (where else would one listen to Courtney? Besides maybe behind a dumpster)

prommie July 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

Was the sky all amethyst?

FakaktaSouth July 6, 2012 at 11:17 am

Please, I'm at the beach. It was, of course, cloudy. Hey! Rum's good in the morning, isn't it?

FlownOver July 6, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Allahu akbar" may not be the best choice.

prommie July 6, 2012 at 11:34 am

Rum drinks are healthy, lots of fruit juice! I say go for it.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Why am I imagining a cuffed girl being smeared with cake?

prommie July 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Cause you have a dirty, dirty mind.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: