ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!And here is a fine how-de-ye-do, as word slips out of Arizona that Raul Castro, a 96-year-old former governor and ambassador to everywhere and apparently tyrannical dictator of Cuba as well, was detained by the Border Patrol in hundred-degree heat outside Nogales for being a nuclear terrorist.

Oh but he’d had a service done on his pacemaker the day before, and the first thing Border Patrol asked him, when faced with the fact that he’d set off their radiation alerts, was “have you like had a service done on your pacemaker lately, like perhaps the day before?” so it was almost as if they sort of knew that that was a possibility and maybe didn’t have to make him sit there in the heat for an hour on the way to his own 96th birthday party? This former Arizona governor and ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina? Who is 96? Sure, yeah, whatever. Dudes: total brown.

Anne Doan, who was driving the governor to his birthday luncheon, wrote in to Nogales International:

We were sent to secondary inspection and were asked to step out of the car. When they asked the governor to stand under the tent, I asked if he could remain seated in the air-conditioned car because it might be too hot for him. The agents said he could not and that they had a fan under the tent.

I explained to the agent he had undergone a medical treatment the previous day and it must be the solution that set off their system. They said he had to stay under the tent, in 100-degree hear, while dressed in a suit. They offered him a chair. I felt totally frustrated and I was worried about the governor.

I explained that he was a former governor and ambassador a true statesman and that he was 96 years old and that he shouldn’t have to be going through this. They knew it was the medical procedure that was coming us on their radar.

At that point I was begging them to leave him alone. They brought out a document for him to fill out and sign. They had a machine they ran up and down his body front and back. Finally they released us and as we were walking back to the car they stopped him and said they had to see his identification. We were standing out in the sun, by this time, and Gov. Castro reached for his identification and showed it to the agent, they registered the information they needed from his identification and they released us, again.

So we guess Ms. Doan thinks Gov. Castro should get some kind of special treatment and not have to sit under a hot tent for an hour on his way to his 96th birthday lunch, just because he is 96, and has a pacemaker, and is a former governor of the state. Perhaps Ms. Doan simply did not realize the governor has the surname of “Castro,” which is Mexican. Maybe she should remember that next time she gets so very het up about a little “papers please” between friends. [NogalesIntl, via Pocho]

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  • Come here a minute

    This is nothing compared to the time Joe Arpaio made former governor Che Guevara wear pink panties.

  • Terry

    Is that a recent photo of Gov. Castro? If so, he's looking awesome for 96 yrs old.

    "So we guess Ms. Doan thinks Gov. Castro should get some kind of special treatment and not have to sit under a hot tent for an hour on his way to his 96th birthday lunch, just because he is 96, and has a pacemaker, and is a former governor of the state."

    Don't forget that he was also ambassador to THREE countries.

    • chicken_thief

      But three furrin countries that no speaka da englese! How bout gettin a jerb in the private sector and hiring some folks (overseas) like Mitt did at Bain, commie Castro?!!!

  • Your move, Ariz- oh ok, gotcha.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    96, huh? Was he the first governor of AZ?

  • Other nations revere their elders. We treat our like terrorists..

    • Allmighty_Manos

      unless you're zombie Reagan.

    • ChernobylSoup

      As well we should. Have you seen the way old people drive?

      • thatsitfortheother1

        It's my turnsignal, damit, and I'll use it all I want.

        • Mittens Howell, III

          96 years old. Obviously a suicide bomber who failed to detonate.

          • WIDTAP

            Who's to say the Governor wasn't trying to sneak in a nuclear bomb like the security machine said. He was radioactive, swarthy and had a foreign sounding name. Hell he could have easily been Muslim or Democrat as well!

        • sewollef

          It's funny really, elderly people use their turn signals constantly and younger people don't use them at all.

          What's up with that?

          • thatsitfortheother1

            That's how you can tell an American driving in Europe. On the upside, if you buy a car from them, the turn signals aren't worn out…

    • ibwilliamsi

      They're eatin' up all the food, and usin' up all the doctors! Soylent Green!

  • 'Zona's motto: If they're white, be polite. If they're brown, lock'em down!

  • mavenmaven

    "ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina"

    That makes him a TRIPLE foreigner. Its a miracle the minutemen haven't shot up his house yet.

  • chascates

    With a name like Castro . . .

    • It has to be good!

      • gullywompr

        Brown. It has to be brown

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "ambassador to Bolivia, Salvador, and Argentina?"

    "Salvador"? It's obvious why Rebecca lets her brother write the geography posts.

    • chascates

      John didn't get the art criticism gene either.

    • scvirginia

      If you add the 'El', it sounds even more foreign…

      ETA: Besides what time is it where she is?

      • HistoriCat

        Sure it's only 7 in California but it sounds like she's an early riser ” thanks for a great night but I have a website to run – get out.”

    • ALIVE!

      Yeah, that should the "The Salvador." Duh.

  • Beowoof

    He was lucky he wasn't deported back to Cuba; even though he never lived there.

    • Crank_Tango

      Name database match, and all that.

    • SoBeach

      Nobody gets deported back to Cuba once they're on American soil. Them's the rules.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Unless you're a Muslim.

  • SorosBot

    Well what's the border patrol supposed to do, not torture a 96-year-old in the brutal Arizona heat?

  • Baconzgood

    Reason 10,256 I don't like AZ.

    • bflrtsplk

      Are there any reasons TO like Arizona?

      • scvirginia

        Gabby Gifford libel!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        There are a couple of interesting geological features, which have nothing to do with the people of Arizona.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Grand Canyon. And this is not a Governor Brewer reference.

      • kissawookiee

        Kissawookiee is the only reason you need. Well, the Barrio Brewing Company IPA doesn't hurt.

  • prommie

    See, there is this cherished legal tradition in our country, the presumption of immigrance, brown is illegal until proven legitimate.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      I love 'presumption of immigrance' it's the funniest thing I've read since I started this coffee!

  • Mittens Howell, III


  • Beowoof

    Yeah a brown guy with a pacemaker, he must off stole the money to buy it from some hard working Murican.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, I'm sure he sponged it off the medicare.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Could I see your pacemaker's papers, please?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I thought Jan Brewer was Arizona's 96 year old Governor.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      She is.

    • Cato56

      She's Arizona's governor with an IQ that's the square root of 96.

      • Nostrildamus


  • He could have avoided all this by self-deporting, couldn't he?

  • Barb

    No wonder our Governor, Susana Martinez never leaves the state.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Anchor baby.

  • DaniloTifoso

    It's embarrassing to be an amurikan. Thanks Arizona!

  • chicken_thief

    Hey, the border patrol didn't make him swim the Rio Grande this time. Get off their back!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Was Castro riding in a Convertible?

    • AddHomonym


  • Come here a minute

    Gov. Castro was not only born in Mexico, he came here to do a job Americans don't want to do (Governor of Arizona),

    • Crank_Tango

      To be fair, when he was born, AZ was still part of Mexico.

  • Given all the hyperbole it contains, it is not surprising that homerland security follows hyperbolic geometry with an infinite number of überparallel lines of thought and practice.

    Euclid weeps.

    • scvirginia

      They're so square
      Baby, Euclid don't care…

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Talk about putting the Cartesian before the horse.

  • metamarcisf

    Wait'll Jan Brewer turns 96.

    • She's already brown, but with a Dennis Rodman doo.

    • SorosBot

      My god, her face already looks like it's made of leather, she'll be so wrinkled that she will look like Freddy Krueger by then.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Ehem. Distressed leather.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You mean she didn't yet?

  • arihaya

    Dude is lucky the Border Agents didn't offer him an exploding cigar

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm kinda surprised that La Migra even knew about the pacemaker/radiation connection. Figured they'd just rip his car to shreds looking for a suitcase nuke.

  • prommie

    In other news of Arizona insanity, Gawker reports that a mom was arrested for pouring her toddler some beer in his sippy cup. Apparently she was eating pizza somewhere and had a pitcher of beer and the toddler was all "beer, beer, beer" as toddlers will do, so she poured some in his sippy cup, and some sobriety-for-all douchetard called the cops on her.

    Man, who the fuck doesn't know that BABIES LOVE BEER? My parents taught me to fetch them beers just as soon as I could walk (PBRs, and this was the 60s and we were poor, it wasn't some hipster total bullshit affectation) and they would reward me with a sip when they opened it. And to this day, I guess I associate the cold, tingly, delicious taste and feel of a sip of beer with parental love and affection! And come on, isn't that great? I will never need a psychiatrist, I just need another 6-pack!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "some sobriety-for-all douchetard"

      I think it's only coincidence that this happened in AZ; it could have happened in any state that has assholes in it, which is all of 'em.

      • prommie

        You're right, this is a nation of stick-up-the-ass prudes and finger-wagging moralizing puritans. You get drunk and nekkid in public and people act all horrified and shit and some cop has to show up and ruin the party. I do declare it is just a fact that every one of the best parties I ever was at ended with me drunk AND naked. And handcuffed, dammit.

        • FakaktaSouth

          I can't tell you how much I appreciate all these fantastic ideas for my birthday party tonight. The handcuffs don't actually have to be part of a real police thing, right?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Just make sure you don't forget the "safe" word.

          • "Allahu akbar" may not be the best choice.

          • prommie

            Apparently, if you find the right purveyor of novelty items, you can even get them with nice red velvet cushions attached, so as not to chafe your wrists!

          • prommie

            The South sure seems to do decadence right. Now in my trade people talk of "due diligence" all the time, but I believe that what this world needs is less due diligence and more due decadence!

          • FakaktaSouth

            Someone told me to look for mink ones, so PETA can suck it at the same time. I definitely enjoy decadence over diligence, but I can be diligently decadent. HEY the wonks got a tumblr, right? All y'all yanks need to see this shit. All I gotta figure out it what tumblr is now exactly…

          • prommie

            Now see, thats what I mean by the decadence, mink handcuffs! I tried to be over the top, and all I could come up with was red velvet.

          • FakaktaSouth

            See, you say red velvet and I'm thinking cake. I want that now too. Or Strawberry Shortcake, or just any fucking cake. I really like that stuff. I'll just have to not get any on my mink handcuffs, it'll get em all sticky.

          • prommie

            Someone wants to be the girl with the most cake.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Oh my god I so totally listened to that cd last night in a bar parking lot. (where else would one listen to Courtney? Besides maybe behind a dumpster)

          • prommie

            Was the sky all amethyst?

          • FakaktaSouth

            Please, I'm at the beach. It was, of course, cloudy. Hey! Rum's good in the morning, isn't it?

          • prommie

            Rum drinks are healthy, lots of fruit juice! I say go for it.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Why am I imagining a cuffed girl being smeared with cake?

          • prommie

            Cause you have a dirty, dirty mind.

          • mrpuma2u

            Make sure to use the endangered rhino hide flogger!

        • thatsitfortheother1

          I was , uh, thinking of, uh, having a party tonight…

    • Biff

      How unAmercian is that? Alcohol is a time-honored tradition of quieting whiny babbies everywhere!

      • prommie

        You wanna hear a worse story? Some few years back, there was a flight attendant on a transatlantic flight who, in my opinion, deserved a medal, but no, instead they fired him and arrested him. And for what? Well, there was one of those screaching babies on the flight, crying and screaming for hours and torturing the 100 closest passengers, as has happened to me on long flights. So, the flight attended crushed up half a xanax and put it in the tyke's milk. Shit, I wanted to hire him to be my kid's nannie.

        • Biff

          So did the babby snitch him out? Or did he just volunteer the information? Seriously fucked up, losing your job over a public service, almost as bad as the lifeguard in Floriduh…

  • Crank_Tango

    This is bad news for noted Panamanian, John McCain.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Maybe some of Mitt's extended family could help him out of this jam.

    • MosesInvests

      Isn't that *Juan* McCain?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think he needs to cut back on those Radium enemas.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Don't we all.

    • Nostrildamus

      Another great band name!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I'm surprised they didn't water board him, too. #ArizonaFail

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Dear Arizona Republicans: if you hate Mexicans so much, WTF did you move next to Mexico?

    • scvirginia

      Yeah, no kidding- this is just like those folks who move into a neighborhood because it's convenient & then immediately start lobbying for a speed bump on their street…

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Montana was already full.

      • SpeedoFart

        Montana… Full?

        I feel like Montana is one of those states that has more cows than people.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      It's like people that move into condos above bars and then make noise complaints.

  • Ducksworthy

    So if Raul Castro was once Governor of Arizona, is the infant mortality rate there 1/2 what it is in Nevada?

  • He looks like a sneaky magician.

    • Vecchiojohn

      Sneaky MESCAN magician.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Señor Wences' brother.

    • TribecaMike

      Palming a pacemaker should be a federal crime.

  • not that Raul Castro

    they had a fan under the tent.

    Are they trying to convection cook him? "Here, Governor. Sit and enjoy this nice 125F wind."

    • thatsitfortheother1

      No kiddin. He's already nicely browned.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder, did they have him submit to a full body cavity search too?

    Read the guy's bio on Wiki, pretty impressive bootstrap story.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      I hate to get all Am exceptionalism… but this is where you find it. Not in some slick kid governor's son.

  • They let him off easy, I'd say they should have demanded he turn over the plans for the Russian missile sites before offering him a chair.

  • Goonemeritus

    I heard one judge refer to justice Alito’s decent on the Arizona immigration case as muddled and “Neo-Confederate”. I laughed and laughed until I realized this guy isn’t a toothless raciest without any real power. Now I just feel hopeless.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Dissent. A descent involves going down, which is often decent.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Actually, I don't think this story should be filed under "Asshole, Arizona" nearly as much as it should be "Asshole, INS."

  • Ducksworthy

    This gives me an idea, if and when I ever want to blow up the world: Stuff a nuke into the body cavity of a 96 year old man. I bet there's a lot of room in there what with all the shriveling.

  • not that Raul Castro

    Imagine if some different half-term governor had been treated this way. We'd never hear the fucking end of it.

  • Given that it was so hot, they could have at least offered to waterboard him while he was waiting.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Border Patrol or Nobama's new Death Panel!?!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ha ha, wait until the current residents of Arizona find out that they used to have a Mexican as their governor! Eyes melt, skin explodes!!!

    • Vecchiojohn

      Plus, he was ambassador to 3 countries where Mescan is the official language.

    • comrad_darkness

      How is that different from voting for Romney?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Attention Jan Brewer:

    When border agents start profiling "persons who look like a constipated drag queen doing a sad imitation of Witchiepoo," you are in for some serious grief. Just sayin'.



  • neiltheblaze

    They're just trying to protect us from bands of marauding 90-somethings coming after our Geritol supplies.

    Seriously – these dick swinging little fascists think they're "protecting freedom". What is this shit? Mass sun-stroke?

  • Illinois has a much better method of dealing with former governors: convict them and send them to prison (Blagojevich, Ryan, Walker, Kerner).

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They should save a ton of time, trouble and money, and just make prison the default destination for governors leaving office.

  • rickmaci

    Apparently, even having his papers was not enough to please them. SMH.

  • This is kinda old news .

  • friendlyskies

    Warning: pedantry ahead. But please, oh please, **EL** Salvador. El. Oliver Stone notwithstanding. Salvador is a very festive city in Brazil, but lacks the delicious and all-important pupusa.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Musta been that other Arizona that elected a guy named Castro to anything more important than dog catcher.

  • hope the supremes are watching…

  • a_pink_poodle


  • Antispandex

    Count down until "Pacemaker Bomber" becomes a story on Fox News…..

  • ttommyunger

    We've come a long way, Baby…. Unfortunately, we're going backwards.

  • TribecaMike

    Soy demasiado viejo para esta mierda.

    • thebeatgoeson

      Yo también. El mundo se va al infierno.

  • TNlibtard

    Arizona is the new Arkansas. The ignorance of the south is creeping westward.

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